My Top 5: Rubbing Alcohol

Aside from face masks/shield, the must have this pandemic season isrubbing alcohol. I've been the one doing the purchasing and stocking up of at home and I've tried nearly every brand available! Here are my top 5 picks

1. GREEN CROSS

2. CLEENE

3. BAND AID

4. CASINO

5.  HYGIENIX

Reactivate

So  I activated my dormant GCASH. I had it since 2017 as part of a promo when I watched Coco in Ayala cinemas. I had my ticket discounted 50% when I downloaded the app as a GCASH freebie! But I didn't it use that much after my initial use for mobile load. I just liked Paymaya better because it had a virtual card I can use for Spotify subscription. Actually, only this year due to the lockdown that I used my Paymaya outside of paying for Spotify! Paymaya was very useful in paying bills! Back to GCash, I decided to reactive it since it seems to be the more popular mobile wallet app and you never know I might have the need to use it so I better have it back.

The other online portal I reactivated is my Paypal! I actually had it since 2008! I think it was the time I was thinking of monetizing this blog so I signed up for one. But I didn't move forward because I got lazy to be honest so my Paypal became useless and eventually forgotten. When I reactivated GCASH, I've read that I can link it on Paypal so there, I was reminded I had one before! When I tried to reset my password, the mobile number saved there was my old one that I don't have anymore! But good thing, I answered the security questions correctly but it took me a second try! I reactivated Paypal because well just in case I will need it. There's no specific reason just yet but I just felt like I need to reorient myself with digital money transactions because it is essential in the world we live in right now. To be honest, I still don't fully get how Paypal works so let me study it!

Please Ber With Me

Ber months are here! Honestly, the endless and tiring Jose Mari Chan jokes has run its course! But I do love Jose Mari Chan's Christmas in our Hearts album. Whenever I listen to it, it gives me warm feelings. I will not listen to it yet, just not in the mood It's already a given this year's holiday season will be so different. I've accepted it. I hate it but what can I do right? I just hope and pray that me and my loved ones will stay healthy and away from any life threatening disease. That's all I want for Christmas.

I will listen to this though to kick things off. It's still my favorite not-so old Christmas song. I love the message it wants to send across. I need to be reminded to keep on believing even if the present feels so difficult and jaded. I need to believe. 

Battle Cry

So today, on the last day of the retrenched employees, ABS-CBN launched this music video "Tinig ng Nawalan" and it's such a powerful piece. It speaks a lot not just with what happened to them but also the general feeling of despair and frustration/

May alaala ang kasaysayan.

Unexpected

 My video editor went to the office last week to hand out his resignation and collect his stuff. He can no longer go to work in Makati because he chose to stay with his family in Tarlac. Days before the quarantine was implemented he went back home and stayed there until last week when they rented a vehicle so he can properly hand out his resignation. I  expected it and totally understand his situation. In a crisis like this, you want to be with family. But to our surprise, the administration asked if he was willing to work from home! They consulted me actually if I could arrange a work from home setup and while to be honest it will be a little difficult to do but then again it's workable so of course I said yes. In this world we live in right an opportunity to secure employment is vital. I'm happy the administration was the one who offered the opportunity because it just shows great character really. I admit I had my fair share of complaints in my 11 years with the company but I always chose to stay despite of it because well the place is really a home to me.In this crisis, I even appreciated how our company took care of  us. I'm blessed I found a home here.

Processing

I was talking earlier to a college friend  from my days at the school student publication about my beloved college course Broadcast Journalism getting dissolved for this academic year. We are trying to figure out why the school can't sustain the program anymore. The main reason given by the school administration was the financial effect of the pandemic which is understandable. I've read in the FB group of our program a post from a current student who shared that there are only 8 freshmen enrolled this upcoming school year and the school needed at least 20 to justify continuing the program. The second and third year students will continue but the freshmen were advised to shift course.  Reading the posts of the current students online, I'm impressed with how they are passionate to keep the program alive even writing directly to the admin making their case why the program should stay. I'm so far away from the university now to fully understand what happened but still, I wished the school tried to make it work. Was it really that difficult to keep the lights on?

But truth be told the lack of interest from the younger generation about the course is alarming The course has seen a major decline in the K-12 era. The current third and second year students combined is less than 40. When I was freshman we were near 40 in our block. So what's happening? It is because the lack of viable work opportunities in this field or simply disinterest especially in this era where people can self publish content online? Is there something wrong with media literacy in high school? Has social media killed traditional broadcast journalism?  You know the one that's analytical and not just doling out "content" as quickly and baity as possible to trend? 

I'm sad and bitter.

A part of my life is lost now.

Heartbreaking

 So on this day...

My course Broadcast Journalism was dissolved by DLSU-D due to small amount of freshmen who enrolled this semester.

All the regional editions of TV Patrol had their final broadcast today as the regional stations of ABS-CBN are closed now due to network's denial of franchise/

MOR 101.9 is having their farewell programming as I type this. But the jocks started saying their goodbye yesterday on their respective shows and I've watched all of it and saw a lot of DJs cry as they say their thank yous and goodbyes.

Not a good day for Philippine broadcast media. 

 

A Good Heart

We have a new receptionist at the office today and when I asked her name I found out she's the wife of the recently deceased driver of our boss. His death was so sudden really, it's not because of COVID19 but he had a disease that he was hiding apparently from his family because he didn't want to be a bother until it was too late. One day he was rushed to the hospital and sadly he didn't make it. It was a heartbreaking story because he was still young (in his 40s) and he still has a family to raise. He was also a nice and cheerful guy. He is greatly missed. I'm very happy his wife is working with the company now. I'm sure our boss made it happen. If there is one thing that made me stay this long with this company because I respect our big boss a lot. He has a good heart. May God bless him.

200K

Today the country's confirmed cases of COVID19 is now over 200K. No end in sight. Worrying. Frustrating. Infuriating.

***

 The weather is so humid today and it feels like we are back in summer. Now at night the humidity is just adding to the stress level I have right now. Actually the root issue is just a small thing but it's annoying me a lot but I have to be patient as always. So here I am just typing it all out away hoping that putting what I'm exactly feeling right now will help me relax and feel better

For Life

 

So one my childhood radio station is closing down this Friday although technically they have been off air since the ABS-CBN shutdown last May but they continue to broadcast via Facebook and their website but this Friday it all comes to an end. I became listener in the late 90s when it was still called WRR 101.9 All The Hits, All The Time and of course it was part of my childhood chart geek  era and I listened religiously to the Saturday Top 20 countdown with Martin D. I've witnessed the radio's various rebranding from For Life to Bespren to Tambayan and when it finally used the branding of the provincial ABS-CBN FM stations - My Only Radio. A college friend is one of their DJs and his journey was such a good one because he was a fan since a child too and the DJs knew him because he was an avid caller and occasionally visited the station . He did became a radio DJ for another station and made a name for himself but this was his dream station and it finally came true January this year and I'm sad it was cut short.

I've had my radio heartbreaks before (93.9 KC FM's demise, Delamar leaving Morning Rush, DJ Kelly leaving radio, Campus Radio dying twice) but this one hurts the most given the circumstance. I'll definitely listen to the farewell show this Friday. I truly hope and pray they will come back though someday.

Panic Comeback

 So yeah an hour ago, we had another medical panic because my mother couldn't sleep and she was worried her blood sugar is hig. Because of the stress my father was panicking so my mother got irritated and scolded him. Some good minutes of anxiety-driven arguments later we arrived at the nearby small hospital to have her blood sugar checked and thankfully it was at a normal level. We are at home now but I decided that tomorrow we will visit the clinic she regularly has her check up on. Well, next week was the scheduled for her tests anyway for her diabetes management so better have a check up again just to make things sure. It was a stressful night. I need to constantly remind myself to not let the anxiety win because I should be on top of things,I must be the sensible person, I have to be the rock they can lean on. It's so difficult because I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with it but I have no time to dwell on negative thoughts and just do it, just be the stronger one. 

1 > 7

I've read today a tweet stating that the total confirmed COVID19 cases here this month already exceeded the total cases from the first seven months. We have over 94K in August compared over 92K combined from January to July. Very alarming and scary. The reported confirmed today is over 2K which is actually the lowest in awhile. We have gone from averaging 200 cases a day in summer to over 4K consistently the past few fays. I've learned to accept that life will never be the same again. I resent it but what can I do about it? I admit the past few weeks I've been avoiding to think about this pandemic anymore by choosing to focus my attention elsewhere. But you simply cannot escape this. I remain hopeful we can see the light soon even if I feel like everything is so chaotic with no clear direction to safety. I need to cling on to hope.

A Good Kind of Suck

Thanks to the Emmy nominations it received this year including Outstanding Comedy Series, I checked out the series WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS. It's so hilarious! It's a mockumentary about 4 vampires and their human familiar living together. In a way, it's like a modern version of The Addams Family but bloodier! The writing is so sharp and most importantly the acting is top notch. My favorite character is Colin Robinson, an "Energy Vampire'. He is not your typical vampire because he does not drink blood and can be exposed in daylight. What he sucks is people's energy by boring and annoying people out! The show had two seasons so far with 10 episodes each so if you can, check it out!

Distance Learning

 So my nephew's Grade 7 class has started by receiving the video materials and the books.The videos  were given to my sister via a flash drive while also being available through Google Drive. My sister and my nephew are also part of official Facebook group chats of the school and class while there's also the official student online platform where modules are uploaded and the schedules of submissions and such are posted. I watched the videos, some are provided by a textbook supplier which are quite good and has the Encarta feel but what I really like the videos produced by the school themselves especially the Math one. The teacher was in the video while there's a Powerpoint slide presentation for the visuals of what she's discussing. The teacher's voice is clear and she conducts herself as if she was really in the classroom. It was able to dig up my Math nightmares memories too! I'm glad my sister enrolled my nephew in this school as they are really quite competent so far. It's very essential because this new system is such a big challenge. 

Two Sounds of Silence

 Yesterday I had the chance to go to a chapel and a mall for the first time since March. The chapel I went to is actually closed but the design of the chapel is open-air so you could still see inside as you stand by the locked gate. It had a calming effect when I was there and began praying. We live in such uncertain times, the biggest life-changing event a lot of people are experiencing and sometimes your faith could keep help you to keep holding on despite everything that's happening. While we pray at home and watch the masses on TV, it's still different when you are there. 

When I entered a mall it really made me feel so sad because it's so empty. Not literally of course but this mall which used to be a busy one has very few people inside outside the employees. There are stores open but mostly with no one around. Out of curiosity, I checked out the cinemas and it's even more depressing as it is literally dark there as there were barely any lights on and the nearby food stalls and fast food were all closed as expected. It was also frozen in time when you see the movie posters around. It truly hit me that the moviegoing experience could really die. I hope it won't be the case. Countries like Japan and Korea who have theaters back in business are showing good signs of life in the box office so I hope it will be the case eventually worldwide but it's gonna be tough to convince people to go back. 

Another month is gonna end soon and we are entering the ber months still pretty much in a chaotic world so guaranteed the holiday season is gonna be different this year. Oh dear Lord please let us have holiday season the way we knew it or the very least not as restrictive that you can't feel the spirit anymore.

Over

 So just a few minutes ago I found out that one major aspect in my life that I've been involved in for many years will likely be coming to an end. I won't go to specifics because it's not yet a sure thing and I could be jumping the gun. However, all signs are pointing to the doors closing. I didn't expect this to happen because I thought it will find a way to make it work like it always does. This thing had face so many obstacles in the past but it always finds a way to survive despite very challenging situations thrown at it. But sadly it can't survive this pandemic. I feel deflated because you know that thing has become a part of my life so for long and I devoted a lot of time, energy, and effort to it. Despite its many flaws, I loved it and it fulfilled one dream I have. Although I won't deny there are times before that I wished it was over so I can be free of the pressure but I know it was just the stressed soul talking and I really didn't mean it. I've would not be involved with it for so long if I didn't love it, right? But maybe as this door is gonna close maybe it will open doors. Or maybe reopen a door I thought I closed already. 

Back II

 The carpool driver texted me today telling me he's back in service tomorrow with the country easing the restrictions. He asked me if I would ride and I said yes. He texted in ALL CAPS!, He's excited I guess to go back to work after two weeks. I'm glad to have my regular carpool back. I'm so grateful with the company shuttle for the past two weeks but it was never gonna be a regular thing so I'm glad to have the carpool accessible once more. Also, glad more people will have their source of livelihood back again. The threat of the virus is always scary but we can't afford another total shutdown of the economy any longer. 

***

My nephew was shocked to see his former classmate in elementary added in their Grade 7 class online group. He's annoyed with him but treated him kindly compared to their other classmates so I said to him that he might have followed you in that school haha! I could relate so much because I had classmates in the past who were quite annoying but I was still very kind to them because in general they're really harmless and do not deserve to be treated rudely. I admitted they tested my patience too but whenever there's a choose your own group activity on school, they will lean on me and of course I accepted them. I remember one teacher told me that initially, he thought I was "like that" too but later on he realized that they just gravitate toward me because I'm patient and approachable.  I'm an introvert but I try not to alienate people. I never had a "barkada" to be honest but I like it that way, I can be friends with anyone and was never tied to one group. I do think people don't see me as intimidating so I can work with practically anyone. Flexibility and adaptability are so essential when you work. 

Early Morning Panic

 So yesterday I received a text about a very big and urgent work concern that really drove me sleepless. I admit this concern was because of something I overlooked so it really stressed me out. I had to go to the office today and it was raining hard as our shuttle heads to the office and it added to my anxiety really. Then we arrived at the office, it was locked as the one who usually opens the office couldn't go to work because his carpool was not available. The stress level was through the roof because that work concern was very urgent. The other person who has key arrived over an hour later! Once we got in I immediately went to the editing computer and gathered the stuff I needed. This urgent concern also made three other people come to work earlier than they normally do to help out. Thankfully, the concern was settled around 9AM! Nabunutan ako ng tinik. I really appreciated how everyone was helpful. You know I admit I like working alone but you really need to know when to get help and not be shy about it. Also, learn to admit your mistake. I was careful not to give excuses and I also appreciate the fact the managers didn't give me a hard time even though they got stressed as well. I know I'm lucky because other people would have berated me. I had my experiences of that as well during my early years at work, I even had one shouting match to a co-worker that led me to walk out HAHA! I would never forget that. That's really the only instance I ever lost my cool at work and got visibly angry. Of course that incident was a learning experience and that person I argued with became a good friend through the years (she resigned last year).  Anyway, hopefully I won't experience that kind work-related stress again..I need to be alert all the time and be extra mindful to avoid being in that situation.  

Snippets

 Today is my nephew's 12th birthday. Time flies. He's gonna be a teenager next year. I'm just grateful he is healthy and generally happy kid.  May God Bless him more.

***

I woke up with a clogged nose. Before it's nothing to be alarmed about but not anymore in this era. Fortunately, I feel better now and no coughs or fever or anything very scary. The anxiety drove me nuts really. 

***

Received a text about a work concern that is driving me nuts.

Shield

 It's now mandatory to wear face shields while on public commute and  at work. Personally, I'm fine and I do wear face shields when I'm outside anyway. However, today I went out to buy my parents' medicines and found out that the drug store won't let out anyone without face shield. Again, I do wear one already so it was not an issue but just surprised that stores could now be doing the same. I guess it just bothers me that it has come to this, the situation is this terrible that face shields are now gonna be a regular thing like face masks. Yesterday, there were over 6K cases again. It's midway of August. We will start the BER months still in such precarious situation. I'm guessing the stricter quarantine in Mega Manila will be extended. How are business and jobs gonna survive? Terrible time and it feels so endless. 

TeleNovela Channel Philippines General Plug 2020

I just tried the "blog this" button on YouTube so might as well make it today's post😂! I'm studying our channel's YouTube channel which has existed for several years now which was really just used to upload videos for promotion. Now we will try if we can get monetized. Well, actually we applied already but got rejected because there's no "original input" on the videos we uploaded. The freelance social media manager who handled this is no longer working for us so I was asked to check this one and see what could we work out. The channel has 17K subscribers so there's a potential. I'm still a noob when it comes to this though but I have to learn now.

Kalakal

While I was walking to our subdivision earlier, I saw two older kids collecting kalakal (junk they can sell) who were then chastised by a barangay officer because they are not allowed to go out under quarantine rules. I heard one kid telling the official that they will go home now as they already collected enough for the day. I continued walking so I didn't get to hear what happened next. But when I was near the subdivision's gate, I looked back to see what happened to them, I saw the officer was still talking to both kids but later on he left and so did the kids. I know the officer was just doing his job but I can't help but feel sad because that incident is like a gut punch. I feel that unlike other kids they don't really have the  privilege to stay at home and they need to find a way to earn a living. Life before this pandemic was already hard what more now. School is another issue for sure, will they be able to go back to school especially with the online/blended learning setup? How many more kids will be deprived of education because of what's happening? I sometimes want to avoid thinking about these matters because I just end sad and frustrated but I can't help it because life will find a way to remind you that the problem is too severe to not to care. 

One Hundred

My 100th post this year. My most active blogging year since 2013 when I was still doing Chart Recaps! I initially just wanted to blog to document my life in lockdown but later on it helped me process my rollercoaster of emotions because of all that's happening in this country and the world.  I've been so used to tweeting the past few years but now I feel like this blog is the safer place to share what I am feeling.  It also has been a good writing exercise as well. And boy I do need to polish my writing skills. I often myself editing after initial publishing because I spot so many errors and incoherent thoughts. I've noticed how I often use same words twice in one sentence! Write, publish, edit, publish, edit, publish! Of course there are times I don't bother to check for errors if I'm overwhelmed with emotions and sometimes just plain laziness. But I did realize during this time that I really need to strive to be better  and not just settle for mediocrity. One can only improve if you acknowledge the mistake and not be in denial about it.

It's been a pleasure to blog frequently again. My day is not complete without posting something here. I hope to continue doing this and write better essays along the way! 

Wiki

 For the first time ever I edited a Wikipedia article! Well, it's the channel I handle for work. I just updated it because it's been months since it was last updated. Truth be told, no one in our company created that page or updated it before. Must be just a viewer but no false information was posted so we just let it be. It didn't do harm anyway. I also often use it as a reference for the timeline of the programs that aired on the channel! That's actually why I made a Wikipedia account using the official e-mail of the channel when I saw that the programming timeline was not updated. Upon editing the page, I checked the history to see who was editing, and true enough it was one of the viewers who also posted before on the channel's Facebook page. I clicked his account and HE WAS BANNED! Apparently, he made sock puppet accounts! I guess it was an IP ban. Oh well!

Health is Wealth

 My uncle is in better condition now and will be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. Thank you Lord. Honestly, yesterday's incident left a really a mark me. Just like when my mother lost consciousness in the bathroom a few months ago. It's so surreal to see the strong figures of your life in such weak moments. I was worried for my father too, he is already a worrywart on a regular day then this year seeing your wife and youngest brother have medical crisis will raise the anxiety level to a different degree. I was worried for his health so I was always on alert assisting that he does stretch himself too thin. Thank God my mother's health is better now and hopefully my uncle will recover quickly as well. I also pray hard to keep Tatay healthy as always. Health is Wealth seems to be one of those cliches you use to say when people ask you what's your motto in life but as years pass and you see people in medical emergencies, you would really feel the value of it. I pray to God as well that I will stay healthy as well. 

2020 Won't Stop

Late this morning my cousin rushed to our house to inform us my uncle couldn't speak although he is conscious. Tatay and I rushed to their house and it was so unforgettable because we were all crying as we are trying to talk to him but he was just sitting but would not respond. He would just look at us and we hear nothing but moaning. Good thing their neighbor who has an emergency van was there so we were able to rush my uncle to the hospital. When we got there he was immediately admitted and we found out he had very low sugar that's why he was acting that way. An hour later my uncle regained consciousness and according to my aunt who was with him (only one companion inside the hospital due to pandemic restrictions) he had no memory of what happened today. He was actually shocked to wake up inside a hospital. In a way, it's good thing he has no memory of what happened earlier because it was so traumatic really. It would not help him. My cousin said that uncle had been feeling not well for weeks already but he would rebuffed any suggestion of going to the hospital because of COVID19 fears. I totally get him but his body basically made the decision and forced him to go to the hospital. Thank God, he is in better condition now. He is confined in the hospital for observation. What a day really. Getting sick in a pandemic is extra complicated and raises the stress level. This year is so challenging. Lord please better days ahead. 

Just One

 My brother shared to me a story that he went to a mall earlier this week and it was a ghost town. The atmosphere is so sad and while there are stores open, barely any people are inside. The reason he went to a mall because he saw a vlog telling that one shop there is selling top brand rubber shoes heavily discounted. I told him maybe the store is just clearing out the stocks because they will close. He does not know and he didn't even ask when he went to the store. True enough the rubber shoes are on sale. But not surprisingly, he was the only one there. My brother got conscious thinking if the employees were judging why on earth is he buying shoes in the middle of this crisis . Well, I told him I think they were thankful there's a customer and  a sale. I've never been inside a  mall since March 15, the last day of the normal we knew. I admit I miss strolling in one, walking aimlessly sometimes just to kill time. I like malls that are busy, with many people because I feel sad whenever I see empty stores thinking their business will go under soon. Now malls are clinging on to dear life. Definitely something I didn't expect anytime soon. 

Uno

Philippines is now #1 in Southeast Asia with the most number of confirmed COVID-19 cases with nearly 120K cases. Health officials say to be careful comparing it to other countries because of population and number of tests done. Regardless of relative comparison, it is clear that the situation is NOT GOOD and VERY ALARMING. While some countries are now on the record to recovery, we are still far away from that. So frustrating. Five months and we are still in such dire state. 

A Ride

Grateful I was able to work at the office for my 'regular quarantine' schedule of Tuesday to Thursday this week. Still not sure if there will be shuttle service again next week because it really depends if the admin personnel will need to go to the office next week. I hope she does so I can go to the office again although if that won't be case, I was able to prepare all the assets for broadcast until September. Life under the stricter quarantine again is such a challenge but I hope this will be worth it, may cases stop rising.

I hope all the sacrifices made by a lot of Pinoys will not be wasted. Yes, we are known to be resilient but everything has a breaking point.  

Beirut

When I got home and tuned it to the news I was shocked to see what happened to Beirut, Lebanon today. The explosion captured on video looked so surreal! As I type this, there's no official confirmation yet what is the cause of the explosion but what is known is that several have died and are missing. This year just continues to be horrific.

Door-to-Door

First day of the return of stricter quarantine and thankfully the company had shuttle service for today. One of the admin personnel who resides in Imus needs to go the office today so other employees residing here in Cavite were able to join as well. I was fetched directly at our house and was also taken home exactly here as well. It was convenient actually and also safe since it lessened my contact with outside people. Just office and our house. The usual people in the office were actually there since a lot of them go to work via a bike or motorcycle. Anyway, I worked my ass off today because I was thinking this is my only chance to go to the office during this quarantine period so I need to edit a lot of videos and I was able to secure materials for airing until third week of September. Later on I found out that the admin personnel needs to finish some stuff tomorrow so there will be another shuttle service for tomorrow and of course I will go because I need to finish editing videos that can secure the entire programming of my channel for September, if I can October as well. You'll never know how long will this last again. But I really hope it won't be extended beyond two weeks. However, today the reported confirmed new cases is a new single day record 6,352. Oh boy. Lord help us.

Back

While a lot of us were asleep earlier, the government declared that NCR and neighboring provinces are back to stricter quarantine measures. I can no longer go back to the office again. I'm not even sure how or if office operations can actually resume. I'm devastated. I understand the plea of the medical frontliners of course but still, I can't help but feel so anxious because this is hard. Back to stressful restrictions again. Back to shutting down the majority of the economy. Back to intimidation. Back to a greater feeling of uncertainty. Back to more chaos. Back to more fear. 

I wish I can turn back time. 

Never Ending Cycle of Despair

COVID19 infections in the Philippines crossed over 100 thousand cases today with a single day high of over 5,000 new confirmed cases. Medical frontliners and health workers are calling for the return of stricter quarantine measures in Mega Manila as the health system is already overwhelmed. I totally understand their case as I know people in the industry experiencing this.

However, I also worry a lot if another major lockdown happens. Even under this GCQ, a lot of companies and business are barely hanging on. One more major lockdown will be a big blow or worst a death sentence.

What is the right balance? I don't know. I'm so anxious. 

And it goes on

The COVID19 cases here in our barangay have risen to more than 20. Mostly from people who got tested by the companies they work for. Majority are also asymptomatic so thankfully no fatalities and hopefully it will stay that way. The country will near 100K cases soon. Things have gotten worst. Yet seems like we won't go back to stricter quarantine measures like from March toMay. Not gonna lie, I'm thankful for that because I want to continue going to work at the office. I want to have a semblance of normalcy really. However, I stay worried about everything. I stay paranoid all the time. I have so much anger as well because with the way things are handled, the way this could have been prevented from getting this bigger, the way there are so many distractions, the way some still couldn't see what's wrong , the way situation is being used for other intentions. It's so exhausting really. But I always remind myself to continue fighting on. To continue praying as well. Not gonna lie I feel so hopeless and question everything. But I know in my heart things really have to get worst before it gets better, the dark times are needed to appreciate when there's a ray of light and we go back to how it used to be. Each day is a lesson that will build one's character.  Just hold on. Don't let it beat you. 

Nostalgia Trigger

Found this 25th Anniversary issue of Pilipino Funny Komiks for Children randomly today! I was 15 when this was published in 2003. Even if I was no longer the target market that time, I was still regularly buying for collection purposes until they just disappeared. I learned how to read because of this. My first "publishing" experience was when they selected my submitted drawing (that I just traced really) but my handwriting was awful the published name was Jecusp Asumbruelo. I wish I can find those 90s copies, they are lost somewhere in our house... hopefully. The store/newsstand where I used to buy this still exists but with new owners now. I still feel nostalgic whenever I see it. Good times.

A Month

It's been a month since I returned to the office and thankfully things went smoothly. My set up is three days there (Tuesdays to Thursdays) while I work at home on Mondays and Fridays. I need to go to the office basically for the video editing which I can't do at home. I was able to edit a lot this month although just basic cut-to-cut editing because I'm no expert but thankfully I was able to survive without a video editor for the entire month and accomplished really a lot. I might try to do more advanced editing next month because I might not be having a video editor anytime soon so I really need to learn to do things on my own for now as everything has yet to be normal. Plus it would help me as well to polish video editing skills. Only a few people go to the office to work daily as most are still working remotely.  It's quite sad sometimes to be at the office because it's generally quiet most of the time. I'm an introvert so eating alone at lunch is like I do for years now but still not seeing the pantry as busy as it used to, makes me a little sad. But oh well very thankful that our company is surviving in this pandemic world. Seeing so many people lose jobs, heartbreaking! A new month on the horizon *sighs* There's not a day that goes by that I think of how lives changed so much this year and there's still so much uncertainty but in order to carry on you need to face each struggle one day at a time. 

Hope

So today my background while working was the NPR podcast Rough Translation which tells slice of life and human stories of various countries. I listened to three inspiring stories about how people of various nationalities have been affected by the pandemic. and how they dealt with the challenges they faced. All stories gave me hope for humanity.

Hotel Corona tells the story of how people of opposing religions and beliefs became one community while they are quarantined in a hotel. This episode was a good tale that shows how we can co-exist as long as there is mutual respect. You can be on opposite sides and not treat each other as enemies.

Hello, Neighbor is a story of a town in Ireland where the community went out of their way to help the senior citizens who were ordered to stay at home. They even had a community radio show to help them cope with the situation playing songs of their generation and just giving me a lot of pleasant vibes.

El Hilo: Walking To Venezuela is a story about how hundreds of Venezuelans working in Ecuador walked back to their home and how they succeeded by looking after another. This story is so close to home as many our fellow Pinoys are experiencing this right now, stuck in various terminals waiting for the chance to go back to their provinces. I was touched by how their de-facto leader chose to accompany the "weaker" ones so they won't be alone in the journey back home. They have been through a lot but their resilience is commendable. 

An Attempt

A lightning without sound

Digs all the way down

Blinded by a piercing light

Overwhelmed by a shivering fright

Come on, just rain!

And take away the pain

Pour it hard, pour it fast

Until the last

🗲🗲🗲🗲🗲🗲🗲🗲🗲

Claps

Would a clap matter if you were fishing for it?

Would a clap matter if the sound is too faint?  

Would a clap matter if  adjusted to one's whims?

What do claps even mean, really?

A sign of approval?

A mean to stay out of trouble?

To express politeness?

A clap is getting two palms closer to each other 

but breaks them apart as quickly as well

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

Savvy

I have never bought anything online from the likes of Shopee and Lazada. Even under this pandemic era. But I already have online sales transaction experience with a Facebook seller - CDs Atbp. This page is owned by an online friend who actually knew me because of this blog when I used to post music charts back in the early 2010s. He was an employee of Astrovision and he would send me the weekly bestsellers lists of their shop! Sadly, he got laid off as record stores started closing one by one but he started a business of selling CDs, VCDs and DVDs which he bought from various warehouse/clearance sales also later on sold second hand physical media as well. Eventually, he was able to get new albums pressed abroad to sell locally here so his reach became wider! He could also look for hard to find CDs for the customer. I can attest to it because he was able to find my request before which was Lifehouse's self-titled 3rd album CD which the only album I don't have in my collection!

 He now has a physical shop in a small mall in Pasay. I asked him before how the sales were, he admitted that it wasn't really good but he needed to have the store so he can store his stock plus having a physical shop added credibility to his business. He pays taxes and has business permits now so there's more consumer trust that he isn't a scammer. Through his physical shop as well, he was able to connect with a lot of independent bands and artists and was able to sell their CDs on his shop as well. He was able to organized a mini concerts in the mall featuring those indie artists. I'm so impressed with how he was able to pull this off. He really has the perseverance to succeed. During the lockdown, I checked on him to ask he was doing and as expected he was struggling because obviously the business was affected but luckily the mall waived rental fee during the months the mall is closed so that was a relief. I made a mental note to buy something - anything - once he could return to help him out. I recently purchased a DVD player he was selling because it was cheap and also could play any DVD  - no region restrictions (remember that was a thing before?!) . When I received the package there was a face mask freebie with a sticker of his store logo! He really is a good marketing guy! When I sent him a message to thank him because the product was good and worth the money, he took hours to reply which was odd because he usually replies quickly.  When I checked the FB page I found out why - He became an accredited official merchandise seller of popular local young band IV of Spades so naturally he got swamped with hundreds of messages for orders! I was very happy to see him get a good deal like this. Nice  to see a good business story in this time of life changing crisis especially happening to a  hardworking guy.

Own It

Binged the animated musical TV show CENTRAL PARK today and I really loved it. I watched this because it came from the creators behind my other favorite animated show Bob's Burgers so I was confident I will like and I did! At first the characters felt way too similar with The Belchers with a dorky dad, perky mom. boy-crazy daughter and sweet goofy soon but eventually as the season progressed I've grown to like them and separate them from Bob's Burgers. One thing I also liked about the show the serialized nature of the story which Bob's Burgers never does since it's a network show in the US so standalone in nature. But the best thing about the show are the musical numbers!The songs are really phenomenal! The Bob's Burgers songs are funny and all but this one they really took it to another level This one from their pilot grabbed me instantly. A great mix of witty creative lyrics and fantastic musicality. 

I think I’ve seen this film before, and I didn’t like the ending.

I'm sort of a closet Taylor Swift fan haha. Closet because I think was kinda embarrassing because I'm not part of her usual fan base and her earlier songs were teenybopper stuff but a good and catchy song I can't resist. I admit her personality is an enigma and the songs about her exes and vindictiveness got tiring and toxic too but I would always like a song or two from her albums especially the ballad / midtempo stuff which I'm generally a sucker for. Anyway, she had a "surprise" release of new album folklore today and I listened to it earlier and I really, really like it. So mature and sophisticated. This is the type of music that suits her at this point of her career. My favorite track is her collaboration with Bon Iver called "exile". I was enamored at first listen. The line "I think I’ve seen this film before, and I didn’t like the ending" hit me hard that I've been listening to this song on repeat! It's exquisite and captures a whole lot of emotions. 

Promising

A COVID19 vaccine developed by Oxford University is showing signs of promise! Read the full article on BBC here. Of course, I'm cautiously optimistic because vaccine development takes a lot of time to ensure safety but  this situation is on a whole new level  and unprecedented in modern times so I'm hopeful the vaccine development will be faster than usual especially with all the great scientific minds in the world working on this. I'm not expecting the vaccine will be out within this year but maybe early 2021? A vaccine would of course be the key to get back to the life we once knew but then again once a vaccine has been developed and already proven to be safe to use with no grave side effects, mass production will also be an issue. It can't be widely available just yet so I can't get too excited. Still, a news like this from a reputable source is enough to give me hope and that's enough morale booster to continue marching on. 

Sales

So I have two new face masks, one my sister bought from nephew's former teacher and one I bought earlier from a co-worker. That mask I bought is packaged with a face shield. That is my THIRD new face shield in a week! I have one that my brother bought from a co-worker and another my father bought from my cousin. What will I do with all those new face masks and shields? Well, I'll use it alternately!  The thing is buying from someone you know these days is more of a sign of support to that person more than anything. If you can afford to buy something then go ahead. We have our needs as well and we are on a tight budget but even in this level, this is our way to help one another. My sister is also into online selling so we benefited from this "phenomena" as well. We are living in a challenging moment in history and not gonna lie there are days I just feel so hopeless but hey small acts like this can go a long way. But man, I hope this is already the worst of times and sooner or later we can see the light in this tunnel of darkness. 

Shake

My brother's friend has recovered from COVID-19. He was asymptomatic so we were confident he'll recover but still it was quite unnerving to finally know someone who had this virus. This friend was very careful but he still caught it. He had no symptoms but it was a mandatory testing they had on the company he works for. He was in the quarantine facility of our town for two weeks and I could imagine what he must have been feeling. The cases continue to rise in the country, it seems like there's no foreseeable end to this. I really hope this virus will be less contagious soon enough. I'm worried that this nightmare will last until the end of the year, if we are lucky.

Mental Note

So today I dared myself by doing something which I think will be beneficial. It's not a big deal really, just a small thing but somehow has quite affected my anxiety level. It's an experiment if this will turn out good for my well-being. It involves preventing myself from doing something I normally do. I'm doing it in just a short amount of time then if I'm successful enough then maybe it will progress to a longer commitment. It is a random thing that I thought of last night while I was having emotional episode. I'm hoping this 'dare' will be like this (blogging during this pandemic) where at first I just wanna blog again to document this historical moment in our lifetime but later on it became my way to deal with complicated emotions crippling me and it really it has helped a lot. Hopefully, this little plan I have will also have the same effect but first I need to have full commitment. Good luck to me!

Never Be The Same Again

Just like that like that, July is nearing its end. I've been back working at the office for 3 weeks now. Three days only but still glad to have a sense of normalcy in my life again. But still. it's not the same anymore. Life has changed so much in the past 5 months. Aside from the disruption this pandemic brought to our lives, there's just so much going on in society that's been really affecting me a lot. Whenever this thing ends, it won't go back to that life I knew before this nightmare happened. Uncertainty is probably the word that best encapsulates this period of time. I have so many feelings that are all boiling inside me. I need to learn how to deal with this now, finally accept what's in store. But sometimes I still think I can't be that person for so long. I need to cling on to hope no matter how small it is. I need to prevent myself from falling to the jaded oblivion. Oh Dear Lord, please guide me. 

Maybe

I've been watching a LOT of  Abroad In Japan videos on YouTube the past 2 weeks and I feel like it's the type of culture that I could fit right in. Maybe I just long for a culture that's generally respectful and polite. I'm sure their culture ain't perfect as well but the good sides are so ideal for me. Maybe it's a factor of frustration I've been feeling lately as well. I'm seeking an escape so to speak. Maybe I'm just romanticizing a concept and I'm failing to see the flaws because the present is so disheartening. An escape is not the solution but sometimes it's just too much you just want to go a comforting spot. Maybe it's fine as long as you still stay with reality. Maybe someday I could feel so much better with what we have so I won't feel the need to escape. Maybe all these extraordinary circumstances will lead to something better and stronger in the future. Maybe all hope is not lost. I just need to cling on as long as I can

When Algorithm Worked

One recent discovery I had is the YouTube channel Abroad in Japan created by a British guy named Chris Broad who is living in Japan for 8 years now. I discovered it because YouTube recommended it to me maybe because I've been watching a lot of of Vox videos the past few months especially the ones that featured international stories. The video that was suggested to me was his latest upload why he does not like Japanese TV shows so of course it got my attention as I'm also fascinated with TV culture of other countries. The video was informative and funny! I really like Chris Broad's very British dry humor and that's when I fell to the rabbit hole of his videos. This guy is very smart and funny. Unlike most Youtubers these days, he makes really quality and well-thought of videos. Some of the stuff he produced are of high quality as well with top notch production quality. Most of all, his videos are immersive! It really gives a very good look on how life in Japan is. I got fascinated how the Japanese can be so modern in technology but still very traditional in a lot of ways Anyway, this YouTube channel is a delight and a good distraction/escape from the anxiety triggering recent events in this country.

Apathy

When I was in college and a campus journalist, one of the biggest issues is student apathy. The students just don't care about school issues outside their bubble. Voting turnout during student elections is nowhere near 50% even! I remember being a giddy, idealistic freshman getting frustrated that my block is also like that. As years went by, I was proven wrong as it took a certain point in time to see them be as passionate over matters of concern. I remember that time so preciously. I was full of hope and positivity. Now in my early 30s, I'm struggling to hold on to that passion and idealism I once had. ESPECIALLY NOW.  Witnessing horrid acts of selfishness and lack of empathy is seriously disheartening. I'm at this point that I really just want to let go and not care anymore. I will just mind my own business, take care of personal concerns, don't think about the whole picture. Nice guys finish last. I guess that's true. It's a cutthroat world and I don't have it. And I'm glad actually, I can't be that vicious.  If being polite, kind and understanding is not the way to move up then I guess I'm fine in my middling state. I don't know what I feel exactly right now. I accept defeats so easily in the past maybe because I'm a pushover? But this one, accepting this defeat is so hard. It hurts deep inside and now I think maybe being apathetic is the right way to go. 

Payslip

Today is payday and very glad when I saw that my salary for this period is in full. It just takes a whole new meaning these days. Very grateful I still have a job and they are still in good shape to give us full salaries. With what the world is experiencing right now, keeping a job is so important. My sister had to hustle hard with her online selling as her workplace is temporarily closed due to the pandemic. I honestly don't have the skills and confidence like my sister has to sell stuff to her friends, our relatives, and even just acquaintances. If I don't have a job, I honestly don't know how I can fend for myself with just diskarte. But the world today many people have their lives disrupted and finding ways to survive. Some have vulnerable jobs too with so much uncertainty (thinking about those who work for embattled ABS-CBN, the jeepney and UV express drivers, those who work for the tourism industry, those who work in entertainment, those in the food business and so many more). Yesterday, I noticed a sign over at Splash Island that says "Hope to see you December 2020", a marketing campaign that's hopeful but very cautious. I've never seen anything like that before. I do truly hope and pray we will be on the road to recovery by that time. I can't imagine the Christmas season under this devastating situation. 

Near

There's now a positive case here in our subdivision. Scary. We need to be extra careful now. Thankfully, there's no hard lockdown. That was my concern because I want to go the office still. We really need to learn how to deal with this without locking everyone down. The battered economy needs to move and can't afford another pause. Of course, we can't pretend this menace is over or even less threatening. We should always be careful and mindful of our surroundings. It is still of course frustrating that the country seems far from containing this. It makes me hopeless sometimes but that's why I need to be at the office and work. Even if it's just three times a week now because when I'm in the office I get to be more productive and forget about the anxiety I have in this situation. It's not back to normal as the office is half empty now  but at least I get myself preoccupied and not dwell too much with negativity. Working makes me feel hopeful that eventually we will be okay. 

Plug In

So my sister bought a desktop PC for my nephew and I was asked to set it up! I got pressured because I'm not really that type of guy who set things up. When I had a desktop PC in high school, my brother was the won who assembled it. Then I moved to laptop where I don't need any physical set up! Anyway, tt took me an hour to do so but it's working fine now! At least I had basic knowledge which cords and wires needed to be placed. Of course I didn't do it right away the first try, I needed to make mistakes like setting up the wi-fi!  My nephew is excited and glad I didn't disappoint him! My sister and her husband worked hard to get the money to buy this PC so the online school setup for my nephew will be more comfortable for him. It made me think of the other students this coming school, the vast majority won't be able to afford to buy this and also the needed internet connection. My mother even said that since my nephew is the only child this makes it easier, imagine if my sister had more kids, it would be extra complicated.

I worry about the upcoming school year. New system even for the teachers. I hope it can work out fine or at the very least the pandemic would be contained or over soon enough so face to face classes can resume now.

PEx @ 21!

Happy 21st anniversary to my beloved PinoyExchange!

Grateful to all the fun times I had here, all the stuff I've learned and the friendships I made both online and offline. I sometimes read old threads from many years ago for a nostalgia trip and to take a look back at a piece of history. I know it's not the same forum as it was before with Reddit and Social Media in general taking its place but PEx was here when the Internet reach among Filipinos was still very limited. For a time, it was the microcosm of the Philippine society and a witness to several key events. It's a time capsule and I honestly miss the time when message boards were the place where people communicate online and people wy anonymous. Social media has a lot going for it but nowadays it feels chaotic. PEx may be a thing of the past now, but I'm glad PEx is still around. 

Give me this

I had a personal matter that I hoped and prayed will have a positive result. Yesterday's big issue made me forget about worrying about it but later that night I had a hard time sleeping because I thought about that matter that really scared me. I was trying to prepare myself in case of bad news. I've been a big worry wart and "worst case scenario" type of guy as I grow older. It's so hard really but  I need to be tougher in life. I acknowledge that I still have a lot to work on that regard. Anyway, today I faced it and it is not as scary as I initially thought, there are some concerns but workable. Thank God. It's a sigh of relief. It's been tough emotionally. I have to be honest, yesterday's events really affected me so much. Mad, sad, scared. All those emotions I had it all boiled up and it probably affected on why I was so anxious because I just felt like everything is going wrong so perhaps that matter was the next one. Thankfully it wasn't the case. I needed a win.

The Sad Inevitable

So yeah the congress denied ABS CBN's franchise bill . It' done, they will no longer be back on Free broadcast television. I'm truly sad with what happened. No words. I'm tired as well. I expected this to happen but still when it was finally confirmed I can't help but feel heartbroken. This has so many implications really. I'm sad with those who can't feel empathy to those who will lose their jobs. I don't get how can someone be happy with this. Or maybe I can, I just can't  accept people can be like that. I'm not that brave person so I guess I will just do what they want, stay silent from now on. But can I do that? Can I take it? I should just focus with my personal life I guess, I have personal issues especially in the world we live in now. I have a lot of fears right now and I hate feeling this way. 

Stop Think

I'm here at the office killing time while waiting for my videos to finish rendering. I'm quite happy that my goal to have all episodes set to air this month finished editing, so just in case there will be another lockdown or stricter restrictions will be in placed again, the cable channel I work on will have new episodes to air for the entire month while I can work on the daily program grids at home. I still hope it won't be the case although I understand that the rising cases are alarming, however,  we simply can't go back to square one now that the economy is suffering so hard. We are in a lose-lose situation no doubt. How can we balance public health and the economy? I don't have clear answers, to be honest. I'm still scared of course and God knows how much I pour alcohol on my hands lately. The scent of rubbing alcohol is already normal now and has a calming effect. For the first time since the pandemic began, I bought disposable face masks since my cloth masks are in the laundry bin and I was a little taken aback that five pieces now cost over 100 pesos. Just last December it was just 15 pesos for 3 pieces! It's not actually hard to find face masks of all kinds these days so I hope the abundant supply will lower the price eventually. I've also observed that alcohol supply is also good but most sold in stores are the little ones you can put in your pocket. I guess that's a way to keep the supply intact. I do see the bigger bottles but only a few are on display but there's no more panic buying at least. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the situation we are in. So much has changed and it pains me to think that the light is still so far away. For now, I pray hard that my family and loved ones will stay safe and healthy. I also hope by Christmas time, the situation will be better so we can celebrate Christmas the way we used to. This year's Christmas will definitely be different but more meaningful. 

Alarming

Over two thousand cases today and it is the single highest day of the country. Total of 50K cases now.

I don't know what to say anymore. I need to finish some stuff at work tomorrow because I do feel a lockdown in Metro Manila will be coming back again. Four months and no signs of ending soon. Four months and no signs of progress. Four months and looks like it will be back to square one. 

Horrible times.

Quieter Moments

It's been in a week since I returned working here at the office. Right now I'm actually here, I'm just waiting for the videos I edited to finish before I can go home. There are fewer people in the office than last Friday when I was here. I think we are just around 12 here. The near-empty office is seriously making me feel a little sad. It's just so different right now. As I was walking earlier to our office building I saw that the Burger King outlet near our office has closed down. Well, the sign says it's just temporary but who knows now. There are just a few people back in the office and for sure that affected their sales. And this pandemic is far from over. Cases continue to rise. When I'm busy I tend to forget about the world we live in right now but right now when I have nothing more to do that would occupy my mind these thoughts are returning. When can we ever go back to what it used to be? We all don't know the answer. I still refuse to accept this so-called "new normal", this is just temporary I keep telling it to myself. But am I just fooling myself? Will ever go back to that state again? This is such a big test for humanity. Four months of this, how long will this last?  

Seek

An old friend messaged me on Twitter because he wants someone to talk to about the current political situation in the country. We haven't talked in years since he left the company years ago but we still connect on social media from time to time but still not frequently. It surprised me a little but maybe a little flattered that he thought that I'm the right person to talk to, do I look smart enough? haha. Anyway, basically what I got from him is that from all the rage surrounding the current issues, he wants enlightenment, he wants clarity because all he can see are people mad. It was actually a nice experience to hear that kind of perspective really. He wants to understand both sides and I tried to share my insights as well but also was honest to him that at this point now I'm incredibly frustrated and full of angst with a lot of things that sometimes it's hard for me to give certain individuals the benefit of doubt because the wrong things are just so amplified it's so hard to ignore now. I hope he got something from me, maybe he did. I dunno. But what this little online conversation made me think so much the discourse problem we have right now. People asking but not wanting to hear something when it is not what they want to hear, people judging quickly without understand where all of this is coming from. We are really in a crucial point of history where critical thinking and sound reasoning is being engulfed by agendas and extreme opinions. I hope there will come a time, hopefully soon enough, that the level of discussion on issues will improve. 

Good New, Bad News

My uncle's gall bladder operation went smoothly today, thank God! My aunt said he's gonna be released tomorrow. He was supposed to be operated yesterday but got postponed as he was moved to another hospital as advised by the doctor as the original hospital he was confined in just had cases of multiple nurses testing positive for COVID-19 so the operation couldn't be done there and he had to be moved to another one where the doctor is also a resident. That was so scary and my father was visibly worried. He was in a daze that he got the operation time today wrong, he thought it was 6PM but it was actually 6AM. So when he called my aunt he was surprised when she said that the operation is over and it was a success. My father's mood definitely changed today as you can see he is happier now compared to yesterday where you could feel how he was worried for his brother. Thank God things went well.

Now for the bad news, the COVID19 cases in the country is in an all time high over 2,000 cases! Meanwhile, Thailand is now back to normal after more than a month of no new cases! I feel so envious. I don't know when this situation is gonna be contained here. I feel so restless. 

Decision

On Monday, the committee level will decide if ABS-CBN will be given a franchise or not. This is just the first level, there are still more to come before it can finally totally happen. I'm afraid with the way the hearings went, ABS-CBN will not be given one. It really makes me sad. For me, they answered all allegations of violations clearly and even have the backing of some government agencies to validate there was no violation in some of the issues. But it's clear those who were prominently involved in the questionings have already decided what they feel about this and just wants to provoke reactions. This week another blow hit the network when NTC ordered ceast and decease order to the network's digital channels in TV Plus digibox and their direct to home satellite service Sky Direct. This is after the Solicitor General suggested NTC to do so after some congressmen chastised them during the hearing. I don't know what to say anymore. There were multiple cases of lapsed franchise that were still allowed to broadcast as the case of their franchise renewal is still being discussed. The writing is on the wall.  What upsets me is that there are ordinary people enjoying this situation as if this would benefit their lives at all. No empathy to those who will lose their jobs. I don't know what to feel anymore. I will try to the avoid of news of this on Monday, my heart will just be broken. But who am I kidding? I won't be able to avoid this piece of news on Monday. I dread it. 

Read More?

Just noticed my previous blog posts have "read more..". I don't know why. I'm not a techie so I have no clue! Update: Oh I fixed it now, apparently accidentally put in a line break on the first line of the post!

 Anyway,  I'm here at the office and I was able to go to work thanks to company vehicle which goes to Makati from our Cavite satellite uplink facility once a week, he fetched some of us who live here in Cavite. There are 4 of us in the van so physical distancing was observed. On the ride to the office, I had a lengthy conversation with them, and it all boiled down to our shared anxieties during the lockdown and how life it is today. It actually feels better to be able to blurt it all out to another person and also hearing their stories.  It is somehow felt therapeutic. 

Adjustments

A talk I had with a co-worker today is about how much our lives have changed because of this virus and how some of our co-workers decided to leave because they have health concerns and working under this pandemic is not safe for them. It made me sad because one of those who left during the lockdown is our front desk personnel who is like a mother figure to us and it made me sad that we didn't have a proper goodbye here at the office. She's literally the first person I met in this company when I took the exam and had the job interview. But I do feel once everything is safer, our boss will definitely offer their jobs back if they want to.

The people who go to the office? Less than half so having the rule of having one per table at the pantry isn't hard to implement because we ate not many anyway. Some don't work 5 days a week, they rotate schedules. A lot continue to work from home. I would also not go to work 5 days a week because well I can't afford to do so because my current transportation expense doubled due to paying quite high for the carpool. My one day expense is equivalent to two days back in the "old normal". So I really worked hard the past 3 days to maximize my time. I'm in the office before 6:30 AM and I leave around 4PM. Today I was glad to meet some work goals because it will allow me to not go to the office frequently next week. I'm still terrified of the virus and I have been so cautious like I have face masks and face shield and it's quite uncomfortable when walking but hey little sacrifices. Each fast food and restaurant that I pass by makes me sad because there's so few people.  

I definitely miss the busy atmosphere and I hope sooner or later, I get to the feel that again.

Day 2

So my second day of returning to work and I maximized my time a lot. I've been doing the editing of the new episodes of the shows airing on the cable channel I coordinate for now since my editor is in his hometown in Tarlac and can't go here which I totally understand. I do think he is on the verge of resigning as well as some of his closest friends at work apparently resigned in the middle of the lockdown. I've been here for 11 years and I've noticed when there's a close group of young employees, once someone leaves eventually nearly all part of the group will leave one by one. Anyway, I'm not a video editing expert all I know is just the basics so yeah I have no choice but do the task now since the channel had been in reruns for 3 months already.

Walking the streets of Ayala Avenue on my way to my ride home felt sad because it's so empty. Not literally of course but there's a sense of quietness but not the calm kind. I've also seen so many convenient stores and jollijeeps closed and buildings with signs they have office spaces for leases. The road also feels strange not seeing any jeep around anymore. There are a few buses too. I terribly miss life before this nightmare happened.

Return

I went back to the office today after 3 months of working from home. It was quite calming to just focus on the tasks that I can't do working remotely. It actually felt like a break from the anxiety of the current situation we are in. My mind was too occupied for me to get fixated over my anxieties.

Tomorrow also marks my 11th year with 20 Plus and I'm truly grateful to the company especially this year more than ever. I'm just happy and relieved to have a job to return to.

Inching Closer

Watched the first new episode of Ang Probinsyano to see how they pulled off shooting with "new normal" protocols. Most scenes are indoors (house or some room) The senior citizen and kid characters are gone (they are in the room one character explained). Each sequence only involves few people on screen, usually just three. Lots of phone calls. Social distancing is visibly seen. Oh wait one senior citizen character appeared briefly but he is in bed and alone with the lines in his mind only. There was a major action scene with Cardo is running while he is being shot by one villain with just 4 goons. The other villains are watching a "live stream" on their TV sets of the action which was funny to watch. All in all, it was a solid production given the limitations. 

****

After 4 months, I finally had a haircut (head shave in my case)! It feels refreshing really. Tomorrow, I will go back to the office in Makati. I bought a face shield just to be safe and will bring an alcohol and hand sanitizer with me. I've arranged my transportation tomorrow with a carpool of some sort but I need to wake up very early tomorrow again so after blogging this off to sleep!

***

I made a conscious effort today to avoid situations/things that would stress me out. These are stuff beyond my control anyway. I want to some peace of mind. But still hoping and praying everything will turn out fine in the end. 

Another Challenge

My uncle will have a surgery next week and his brother, my Tatay, is of course worried for him. My tito is the bunso and my father looked over him and helped him finish a vocational course. The operation is on his gall bladder and we were told it's not a really major surgery and he'll be perfectly fine after it. But knowing my Tatay I know he'll be so worried especially just last year he lost his oldest brother.

He visited him earlier (they live in the same subdivision) he offered words of encouragement to calm him down because my auntie said Tito is having trouble sleeping because he is worried too about the upcoming operation both on the actual operation and the cost of it. That's really one of the tough things when you get sick these days, you only not worry for your health but how much it will cost. That's one of my worries too. I wish it wasn't the case but that's the reality of life.

What a tough year but I'm positive my Tito will be fine. Lord please guide him.

Four

And now the confirmed cases here in our barangay is up to 4. Quite worrisome as this the location where the patient is living is near our subdivision. But apparently he got tested because he was about to work abroad and likely he has gotten it in Metro Manila. Hopefully, no local transmission. In some good news, our second case has recovered and it's a 76 year old woman so thank you Lord. Hopefully, our third and fourth cases will recover soon enough as well.

And another good news our barangay won Showtime's weeklong competition Barangay Fiestars and our barangay will receive our prize. I think it's medical aid, I forgot but that's still good news for our place. 

I will return to the office next week, likely Tuesday. There's bus I can ride now and I plan to catch the first trip 5:15 AM, hopefully not too crowded please. The fare is expensive since it's a point to point bus and I hope that's a factor so less people will try to do it, I'm scared of crowd especially at this time.

My plan is to go the office at least once a week, I won't be going everyday for health safety and also money because it's expensive to ride that bus. 

Three months of not going to the capital. I miss it but I'm worried as well. Please Lord guide me.

One Two Three

So our barangay reported its third confirmed case today who is a frontliner from another town. The location is still far from where we live but still I continue to worry. Gone are the days the country is averaging 200 cases a day. The number of cases are higher now, we have gone over 1K cases  recently. And yet because the economy is in shambles people are now slowly going back to work. Honestly, I probably would have worked back in the office earlier on if only they allowed jeeps to finally operate. But they are still left hanging along with UV Express vans. The past few days I've watched interviews of these drivers who are so devastated because of their current situation right now. My heart is broken. 

I don't know what to feel anymore. I still deal with some family stuff as well, not as worrisome as the past few weeks but it's still not back what it used to be Sometimes I feel it won't be going back to that phase anymore but I don't want to lose hope, I need to keep marching on. I need to.

Apt

Maybe I'm being over dramatic but this song just takes on a whole new meaning to me right now. I could feel every single word now more than ever. 

Ang layo layo pa talaga

Stepping Out

I had a slightly stressful day because of a work task I needed to fulfill. It was eventually taken care off but takeaway is that I need to go back to the office even for just a day this week or next week. Hopefully, this week I could return to the office. It depends if the company driver that is based on the Uplink facility near our place will go to the office this week so I could hitch a ride to go there! Public transportation is so limited especially for us here living outside Metro Manila but works there. Options are so few much more because traditional jeeps are still not allowed to go back, same with UV express vans. If there are only jeeps, I could have gone back to the office at least once the past few weeks. Oh well, this life is so challenging. Virus cases are still high in Metro Manila but it's been 100 days since we started quarantine and no improvement. I have no choice to be brave because at least I still have job security. So many people have lost their jobs this pandemic. Oh Dear Lord please guide me when I finally step out of this house and go to work, please keep me away from the virus.

Father's Day

Another special occasion that this pandemic has crossed. My brothers went home this weekend and bought food and other treats to celebrate the day. It's simple but still always good to have something this celebrate. I wish my Tatay good health he will turn 66 later this year and he still keeps himself busy watching over us and taking care of us. He will always be the head of the family. The fast few weeks had been rough because of Nanay getting sick and insomnia. Tatay worries A LOT even in under regular days so what more having a loved one have medical concerns in a pandemic? He has high blood pressure and the recurring pain from his hernia surgery a few years ago but he powers it through to be the source of strength of the family. I don't deny him being so overprotective at times irritated me especially as I grew up but now in my 30s, I appreciate it and I just feel lucky I have a responsible and caring father. I've met a lot of people over the years who have terrible fathers. I'm glad I'm not one of those. 

Dear Lord, please guide my Tatay and keep him strong and healthy. I still hope one day, I could repay him and Nanay for all the hard work they did to us. I know I've been a good son but seriously I lack more, I could give more.

Fixated

I'm fixated over an issue that's not directly affecting me but I think of the bigger picture and how it is very bothersome. It scares me because I know it won't be solved as soon as possible as the cut is so deep.

On The Losing Side

As much as I don't want to dwell with negative thoughts but I feel the need to process this for my well-being. I know it's normal to feel this way as we are in a middle of a pandemic, our lives have been disrupted and there is so much uncertainty of when will this end and when we can get the life we knew back again. But this feeling of hopelessness is creeping in. There is so much to worry right now. I don't feel secure the way the things are being handled. There is so much to question but one thing I've fully realized in this time that even if we are in this life changing crisis, there are still people who will take advantage of the situation to service their own agenda. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who are not brave enough to speak up. I try to avoid conflict so I stay silent. And by choosing to stay silent, I lose. I deplore what's happening and I'm so bothered that there are people are okay with it. Seriously, they're not seeing what's wrong here? I feel so hopeless. But I must not. I need to carry on. Deal with the present and hope for a better future. I just feel so frustrated right now.  So powerless.