In Charge

 No results for Nanay's biopsy yet but I'm avoiding thinking about it lately to avoid getting stressed about it lately as to not affect Nanay and the rest of my family's mood as well. I went to Nanay earlier to give Tatay's monthly pension and may house contribution from my salary because Nanay is still in charge of managing the house expenses and not allowing her to do it will dampen her mood and that's what we are avoiding for her to feel too. She instructed me earlier about the grocery and the market purchases. Good thing I was basically her assistant since the pandemic began so I'm familiar with her suki and product preferences. Plus I know how to budget the money as well too

But still I hope we can do the grocery and weekly market visits soon enough.

Dear Lord please heal my mother as soon as possible.

Again

 ECQ is back next week in Metro Manila due to rising Delta variant of COVID19. It will be from Aug 6 to Aug 20. At least there's a week notice this time so I can prepare for work related stuff. But not gonna lie this new round of ECQ is already stressing me out. Thankfully, here in Cavite it will still be GCQ so visiting Nanay at the hospital won't be as complicated if it was ECQ.

Everything happening is just overwhelming. 

Coin

 It's been a week since we had the biggest scare of our lives. Nanay is doing fine at the hospital, preparing for her operation. We are still worried but we are getting by, hopeful that everything will be fine in the end. Thank you again to all who reached out and helped out. You all been a big help, not just financially speaking but also a morale booster as well. Kindness and compassion goes a long way.

***

I was at the bank earlier because I had to replace my payroll ATM card because for some reason any machine is rejecting saying invalid transaction and yet it is accepted when I use it as debit card (like in the hospital where my mother is confined) which was causing unnecessary stress at this time. Anyway, when I left the bank a little girl approached calling me "Sir" and asking for spare change.  I got emotional because the girl does not look like a typical street kid. She was dressed fine, clean and had a little sling bag. I dunno I felt like maybe this isn't really something she usually does and maybe she was forced to do it out of desperation and maybe there's a family emergency. I gave her a 5 peso coin and she was very thankful.  Maybe it's a hunch or maybe I'm just sensitive lately because of this current ordeal but I felt like I saw myself on that little girl. Doing something you don't normally do because of your family. I really hope the girl is in good hands. 

One Thing Over

 Nanay's biopsy was done late afternoon today and she was in recovery room for a couple of hours. I got a little stressed because Tatay was so anxious and worried. I'm sure he was thinking of the worst. When my sister finally texted that Nanay is already out of the recovery room and is now in her regular room, he was visibly relieved. They were able to talk awhile ago. Tatay is in a better mood now.

Next step is now we wait for the findings of the biopsy which will take a few days. Oh Dear Lord please guide my mother. It's gonna be a long wait but we need to be as calm as possible.

Next Step

 Nanay is scheduled for biopsy tomorrow. Praying for the least worrisome outcome. She'll stay there until the schedule of her operation because if she gets discharged and goes home, she'll have to get another swab test for COVID19 and the other pulmonary clearances and financially it will cost us more plus the health risk as well. We are preparing financially now, using savings and also asking for help. It really depresses me we are not in better financial state to not worry about this. But right now it's all about Nanay's recovery. Please Lord, guide my mother. 

GOLD

 The Philippines finally won a GOLD medal courtesy of weightlifter Hidilyn Diaz! I got emotional when it was finally official! What made Hidilyn's victory even more emotional is that she did against odds such as lack of funding and got red tagged by the government and was attacked by their troll army on social media wishing for her to lose. Also today is the last state of the nation address of our president which is torturous per usual but Hidilyn winning that elusive GOLD the same day, she stole the headlines rightfully so!

It was such a good personal mood booster to me too because while my mother is in good and stable condition, she will still have procedures on the horizon that's making me anxious but gotta stay strong for her and my family. This GOLD triumph at least gave me a pause of stressing things out 

1/3

It was  sight of relief when the COVID19 test result came out for Nanay and it was negative. It is mandatory to every patient who will be confined to have it and it was stressing us all out so surviving that at least gives us one less thing to worry about. Since she was no longer a PUI, she was moved to a room where visitors (one at a time) are allowed and I was able to visit. I was happy to see Nanay in good spirit and she looks better too. Still, we still have to wait some more test results for the next procedure of her condition. Praying hard for favorable result or the one that less worrying. I also settled some of the hospital bills today and 1/3 of  what I paid that came from people who helped me when they saw my tweet asking for help. It's such a big help to me and something I will never forget for the rest of my life. Deep inside I still feel ashamed that I had to resort to do that because it is a reflection of the kind of life I have but no regrets because I did this for my family. Although no one in my family knows I did this that's why I only did this on twitter and not on FB where they will know. I will never forget the generosity, compassion and kindness those people have shown to me. I promise that once our situation is better, I will find ways to give back or pay it forward.

The Long Wait

 I was quite embarrassed with what I did yesterday by asking for financial help here and on twitter but I just felt desperate, my mind is swarmed with so many thoughts, possibilities, problems. Nevertheless, I'm extremely grateful to those who were generous to share what they can, I even got help from total strangers. One day I will find a way to give it back and pay it forward as well. I will never those who didn't think and helped right away. Currently, we are waiting test results and I'm going mad waiting but when I talk to Nanay on the phone, I'm composed and positive because she's not showing any signs of fear and even still did her Nanay duties and remind us on what to cook, the laundry and stuff. Oh Dear Lord please heal my mother, please don't let the bad scenario happen. I'm begging you God please

Help

My mother was rushed to the hospital due to bleeding in her breasts. She will likely be operated. I never thought one day I would do this but tough times. If you can help us financially, please send it on my GCash 09154528448. Thank you and pls help pray for my mother too.

Pain

 Nanay is rushed to the hospital because one of her breast is bleeding. My siblings are with her right now and I'm here with Tatay and my nephew awaiting news. There's so much in my mind right now. Is it my karma for being irritated at her earlier? Why Lord? I did nothing but take care of her despite my frustrations, her healthy is always a top priority. Am I being punished for complaining about some of my grievances which in hindsight feels so small with what we are facing right now?  Oh Dear Lord please protect my mother, Please....

Comfy

Raining all day and there's a typhoon. I made sure to finish work tasks at the office today so I can just work from home tomorrow because it does not seem like the rain will stop tomorrow. The weather is so cold that I drank paracetamol because I felt cold and have some body aches, you know signs of flu but no coughs and colds so all good. You can't have flu at this moment of time really. And now I'm sleepy because of the medicine and the cold weather is so inviting to just stay comfy in bed. I do hope this won't be a disruptive typhoon.

Alarming

 It was raining all day and the tonight the weather is cold. I feel so sleepy but I'm still waiting for some work related thing. I hope it doesn't rain hard tomorrow so my commute to work won't be a hassle. I'm thinking of working from home tomorrow but I do have an urgent task I need to take care off early because delta variant cases are rising and I'm afraid another stricter quarantine is on the horizon and may affect my work. This endless cycle is so frustrating, non-stop worries. 

Delta

So the cases of Delta variant of COVID19 infections are rising all over the world. Alarming and exhausting. I do hope the countries with strong vaccination rates (of reputable brands) will see lower cases of  hospitalizations and more importantly death just to show how vaccination is important and the key to ending this nightmare. I'm still unscheduled for vaccination while I'm seeing a lot of people I know ,including my brother, got their second shot. I feel envious but I'm willing to wait of course and hopefully when the times I will get a vaccine brand I prefer where I feel safer. For now, all we could is not let guard down and continue to be cautious. But I admit I'm tired of this already but I've accepted the end is so far. 

Sneaky Introspection

 So I wanted something light, basic and familiar to watch to drown these sad feelings I've been feeling lately and I watched the 1996 romcom The Mirror Has Two Faces. The movie just came into my radar lately because of a day I went through Oscar trivia about Original Song nominees (this is the movie where FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE came from). Anyway, it's a New York based romcom and I'm sucker for this. It was also nice to see younger Barbra Streisand and Jeff Bridges do romcom. The movie had the centerpiece of being in a relationship (getting married) because of a personal connection beneath the sexual passion and how sex ruins romantic relationships. It's quite ridiculous on paper but how it actually played out to the story made some quite sense in a way and touches on inner insecurities and longing people do. Of course, it did end up the way you would expect a romcom would do and of course this is what I wanted when I wanted this movie. It made me feel good! Although there was scene with Barbra's character talking to her mother played by Lauren Bacall where the mother said about in hindsight at her age she felt bad when she realized she settled and maybe she could have done something more. She thought she had more time but now she's old and yet inside her she doesn't feel it. Oh yeah that was a gut punch. Funny how I wanted a distraction yet I still ended up making me think about stuff bothering my life lately!

Stare

 During a time like this where I have so much internal struggles, I often stare at nothing and daydream. I don't know if this is healthy or not but it is soothing sometimes to dream if my life went another way. Perhaps I'm romanticizing the what ifs of my life because I'm just at a low point. I don't share to anyone what I truly feel, I have a wall where I don't let anyone take a peek. Based on past experiences and observations in general, when you open a part of your life it really does not lead to anything that makes one feel better, It just reopens wounds. Or worst people just don't get where you are coming and in the end tables are turned against you. So why bother right now? To be honest, if only I could afford one I may have consulted a therapist to help me process my life. Back in college, I loved talking to the guidance counselor just to open up and unload. I wish I had that one now in my adult life. But everything has a cost and that's why I don't have anyway. It's the source of my struggles in fact. All I can do right now deal it with myself and hope for the best. Crying helps too even if I do it quietly and late at night where no one can notice which is what I am right now. I console myself by thinking have it worst. I need to take everything into perspective so I won't stir drama or mess up even more. Of course this blog helps too. This is my emotional band-aid. 

2 Weeks

So I was approached about this concern I have and at least I didn't have to make the first move again. Just as I suspected, it got lost and was forgotten but it will be given to me. I just have to wait yet again. Here we go again but at least there's progress now but I still continue to struggle. Such a difficult time and I can't unleash what I'm truly feeling as I'm afraid to get more problems or find things to get more stressed about. I'm having a hard time. That's pretty much it. 

Another One

And once again what I was hoping to get today didn't happen. I'm so tired. In typical fashion, I'm having apprehensions on what I should do next. How can I fight for myself? My emotions are high so I don't want it to overwhelm because I need to be as calm as possible. But what if because of this mindset I have to be careful with what I say, careful to not rock the boat, is what it is really hurting me all my life. The reason why I often lose in life. Turning 34 in 2 months, a full pledged adult yet I feel like I'm not one. I'm so sad right now. 

Crossed Fingers

 Tomorrow let's see if I will finally get what I deserve or will it be conveniently forgotten again. I hope if the latter happens yet again I will be courageous enough to be assertive. I've been struggling the past 2 weeks but maybe this is what I needed to feel to push myself and fight for what is due to me because I badly need. Please let me brave tomorrow in case the worst happens yet again. But it will be better if I just get it with no more stress and hassle. 

No Please

 So a recent survey came out for next year's elections and yeah not liking it. But I guess it's a consolation that the lead is not so wide so anything can happen in less than a year. Oh please something better good happen. I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of everything and I want to look forward to something better, someone new, someone I can find hope for. I'm so worried.

#PEx22

 I was not there when PEx started, I was just 12 and had no Internet access! But I learned about it because they had a radio show Speak Easy hosted by  Mister Dean. Joined in 2004, became a moderator in 2010. PEx will always be a home to me no matter what. I made a lot of real life friends here from this platform. Happy 22 years and MORE years to come!

Hanging and Floating.

Struggling lately with expenses. I'm not in debt or anything but so many responsibilities that I haven't been able to add money on my savings account for the past 2 months and it's really making me sad. But I'm surviving day by day.. I'm just afraid I'm not investing enough for my future though. So please Lord keep me and my family safe especially health concerns. 

That's why I need to keep my mind preoccupied as much as possible so I won't be alone with thoughts. I don't want to ponder so much anymore. I need to stop whining. 

Rotura

 I was planning to do something productive today but changed my mind! After running errands in the morning, I did nothing useful but listen to Spotify and fall into the YouTube rabbit hole. However, my idle time was partly connected to my work in a way I was adding songs on the TeleNovela Channel Spotify playlist and watched "entradas" of various telenovelas for nostalgia purposes and also checking out the others. I don't know why I subjected myself to this today but it was kind of fun. I've been doing this job which mostly exposed me to Mexican soaps and it's part of my system now! 

Chin Up

 Just finished doing a bunch of work a while ago! There were a lot of circumstances that tested my patience today but I carried with the goal of finishing everything I needed to do! No time to slack! It was good though because being preoccupied like this is quite good for my well-being. I do hope all this hard work will pay off soon enough. I'm so used to underselling myself but what I did this past few days I'm quite proud of and I really hope I get my due. I deserve it.

Pumped

Hectic day at work today because I had to help out with a co-worker's task who is on leave. I think she's preparing for her wedding and she actually invited me but I had to decline attending because well it's in Bulacan so travel will be hard especially in a pandemic. She understood it and I think she invited me out of courtesy which is nice of her. Anyway, back to today's job! I didn't mind helping out but it was quite a challenge managing time as I juggle various tasks! It didn't help me I had technical issues with the other task that I was helping out! But things got resolved before the end of my working day. I just finished some tasks too! I decided to do it tonight at home even if I can do it tomorrow but I have this work adrenaline right now so I continued. Hopefully tomorrow will be a less tight because of doing this advanced work earlier. Despite the little stress I had today, it felt good to be this productive. I have no time in my mind to dwell on my anxieties.  

RIP Nang Carla

 A neighbor who were closed to my siblings when they were teenagers passed away yesterday. She has been struggling with her illnesses for a long time already but she fought on. I still remember her pre-pandemic attending masses weekly in the chapel inside our subdivision. She was a subdivision and church leader so she was quite a prominent figure here in our place. She will be missed. Rest in Peace 'Nang Carla. God bless your soul.

Short End of the Stick

 While I did try to manage my expectations, I still can't help but feel disappointed when I didn't get what I was hoping to receive today. But what else is new? I always lose out. Maybe there are other days but I dunno maybe it won't happen anymore. I should be used to losing out at this point but I never learn and I always get my hopes up that maybe things would be in my favor for once but nope it rarely happens. 

Snippets 14

 So I received a text earlier which hopefully finally lead to the confirmation of something I've been wanting to have for the past 4 months. I should have followed it up more but I'm so apprehensive because  I don't know what the right approach is and I'm just shy sometimes even if I deserve this one. Hopefully, it will finally happen. 

***

Tatay is finally interested in getting vaccinated. Seeing our neighbors his age getting one helped a lot to convince him. We almost did it earlier but the line was so long and there's a lot of people so not yet because we are avoiding crowds. But at least he is decided to get one once the next schedule is up. Nanay I think is getting close to getting one. I don't want to be pesky because I want them to decide on their own because if we insisted, they will just push back.

***

ABS-CBN lost a top talent last week and it really made me sad because it is a testament of how much they have lost. It will be a year since the congress denied their franchise application. It still sucks a year later. I don;t know when they will ever get it back. I wish they do soon enough

Source

 Excellent investigative journalism former VOX reporter Johnny Harris! He has his own YouTube channel and it's so good and top content. In this video,  he is digging deep into the theories where COVID19 came from but without going the "conspiracy" route. And the comments are generally sensible and respectful. A YouTube rarity! 

Waiting Game...

I checked Makati's vaccination site to check my status and I'm not yet scheduled. It's only been a week since I registered but I'm definitely envious of those people I know who already have at least one dose. But well  I have no choice but to wait. I really hope when the time comes that I will be scheduled I will receive a vaccine I would prefer but yes I will accept whatever is given to me no doubt. 

Streak

 I've been blogging daily for over a year now. It has become a habit and while sometimes I forced myself to write something, anything, just to keep the streak going this has become helpful to me in a lot of ways. It helps me declutter my mind. It helps me to unload my emotion. It definitely keeps me in check as well. Maybe it helps me improve my writing as well? Nah, I'm still a mess. But anyway this blog has existed for 16 years there were a lot of years I've only written at the end of the year but then the pandemic changed that. I hope that I will be able to write less angst in the future but glad to have this outlet and hopefully Google will not junk Blogger anytime soon. This has been a nice time capsule. 

Pieces

 The second half of 2021 has started just like that. Everything still feels slow. Everything is still bleak. I'm not sure if I have adjusted with the current situation or I'm just going through the motions. I am trying my best to not fall completely to hopelessness but it's really hard to do so. I'm just incredibly frustrated from personal matters to the state of my country. I do remind myself constantly that my life is still generally okay. It truly is but I just feel incomplete. There's a missing piece or maybe even pieces. While listening to a podcast doing work, there was a topic about if you could turn back time what would you do? I've asked myself that question. What would have I done differently?