Monday, December 31, 2018

My 10 Favorite Podcasts of 2018

My new passion this year is listening to podcasts! It started when I discovered there are available podcasts on Spotify and then I fell deep into the rabbit hole and discovered a lot of podcasts about a lot of things. My particular topic that I'm very into is narrative journalism! Podcasts are perfect to listen while I do paperwork at work and commuting (it actually takes my mind off traffic!). Anyway, here are the podcast that got my ears busy this year!

1. This American Life
- My absolute favorite because it is narrative journalism at its finest. This is a radio that started over 20 years ago and tells various stories under one theme each week. My favorite are the slice of life stories the best

2. Heavyweight
- This podcast features stories of individuals trying to resolved something in their past that was left unresolved. Each episodes are funny and emotional and I absolutey the host's dry humor as well.

3. Kind World 
- Short stories of people extending their hand to other people in various ways. This podcast somehow help restore my faith in humanity in this era of outlandish aggressive toxic behavior

4. Household Name
- Each a popular company brand is featured and unknown story about them is told. The often tell fascinating and engaging stories

5. Reply All
- A podcast about the Internet but not strictly about it as well. I love the episodes when they feature Internet subcultures I don't know existed and also stories about how some online event has led to bigger impact in real life

6. Serial
-of course the most popular podcast of them all. The first season is the most popular one and that's not a suprise because the way they narrated the crime was really engrossing. The latest season released this year was also fantastic as well as it deals with the criminal system

7. Start Up
- The podcast about starting a business, the first season was about the podcast company itsefl Gimlet and it was such an engaging journey. The later seasons were more flexible and not just strictly about start ups and business just like this year they released seasons about starting a Church and a charter school.

8. Endless Thread
- A podcast about stories that were found on Reddit! It's kind like Reply All in a way because it stories that stems from the Internet. The topics are as wide as the scope of Reddit is and the stories are always so fascinating especially when they get to interview the people behind the usernames

9. Imagine Life
- This is a narrative podcast where the listener is told the story of a famous person in second person point of view and they only reveal who the person at the end of each episode This is an immersive listening experience and it's actually quite fun when you figure out who the person is before the reveal due to the context clues they drop in.

10. Dr. Death 
- This is a podcast that really made me so mad as it is about a surgeon who is so inept that ultimately led to serious damage to a lot of patiens and worse death to some. What's more infuriating about this is how the system of being afraid to fire a doctor enable him to do this big damage.

My Top 10 Favorite Movies of 2018

Another year where I watched fewer movies than I would want . Anyway, there are 2017 releases but I've only seen them this year (or was released just this year). From the movies I've seen in the theater this year here are my 10 favorites of 2018!

10. Incredibles 2
- A fun and action filled sequel to the Pixar classic.

9. The Greatest Showman
- The story is just okay but the SONGS! The musical sequences elevated it to me.

8. Teen Titans GO! To The Movies
-Teen Titans Go! To The Movies is indeed a movie about getting a movie made. It sounds a little crazy on paper but it totally worked on screen as the humor is so wicked and sharp

7. Searching
Searching is a nifty modern thriller with strong emotional core that will you keep engaged from start to finish.

6. Ralph Breaks The Internet
- An imaginative and action filled sequel to the 2012 original. The sequence with the Disney Princesses was the highlight, so funny!

5. Smallfoot 
Smallfoot is a pleasant surprise as it went beyond simple kiddie entertainment as it explored deep ideas of bending the truth and blind faith

4. Exes Baggage 
I felt that this movie was able to capture a relationship by regular folks in this modern era and the soundtrack just added to a fantastic movie experience. And the ending I love it! Not exactly new but the way they build the scene was glorious.

3. Ang Dalawang Mrs Reyes
The movie was marketed as a broad comedy about wives discovering that their husbands are gay and in a relationship. But the movie is so much more than that. It's a great dissection of not just sexual identity but also about relationships and dealing with pain.

2. Changing Partners 
This Cinema One original is a fantastic and unique musical which tells the story of four couples of various gender and age gap (played by four actors switching characters) and firmly expresses that no matter what the differences, romantic relationship have similar struggles and challenges.

1. Signal Rock
-The story of the go-to guy of a remote community. This movie perfectly captured what it's like to be the shock absorber and how one takes the extra mile just to solve out problems and issues even if you are not really directly involved. It is also a loving portrait small town life and how the social community functions.

Favorites from the past years:

My 10 Favorite Comedy TV Series Episodes of 2018

Here is my annual rundown of my favorite episodes of the sitcoms/comedy programs I watched this year. Like in previous years for variety purposes I just chose one episode per show. 

(Check out my top 10 lists over the years: 20172016201520142013,2012)

1.  The Middle Season 9, Episode 24 "One Heck of a Ride"
- The final episode of one of my all time favorite TV shows. It was perfect end to this simple but relatable show. The finale had a great final shot of just the Hecks in a car where there best scenes of the series usually occur. I will definitely not forget this show.

2. Young Sheldon Season 2, Episode 3 "A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens"
- Sheldon's mother Mary had a crisis of faith and Sheldon unlikely helps her restore it. This is such a sweet episodes that showcased that no matter what the difference of beliefs, love can unite us all.

3. Superstore Season 4 Episode 5 "Delivery Day"
- Dina and Amy goes to labor at the same day and the episode showcased in a funny yet enlightening way the importance of health insurance you get from work and how drastically different it is for the working class. 

4.  Will & Grace Season 10 Episode 4 "Who's Sorry Now" 
-  Grace reads an old letter from Will back in the day they were dating and how he was struggling to tell her who he really is. I've been enjoying this series' revival and I'm glad that in an episode like this they never forger the root for the duo's strong friendship

5. The Big Bang Theory Season 11 Episode 24 "The Bow Tie Symmetry" 
- Amy and Sheldon gets married! Such a fun episode and glad to see it didn't have the classic sitcom wedding hijinks because that would be predictable. Later on they released two scenes that didn't make the final cut and it's a pity because those scenes involve MeeMaw and the late Stephen Hawking

6. The Good Place Season 2 Episode 9 "Leap of Faith"
-  In this episode, Michael reveals to Eleonor and company that they are indeed in the bad place and just when you thought the story jumps the shark but nope it takes them to another level which is exciting. I'm constantly amazed how this could reboot itself and still not run out of creative ways to move the story forward.

7. Speechless Season 2 Episode 18 "N-o-Nominee"
JJ wins two awards at a film festival and discovers one chose him because of his disability. I'm impressed with how the show handles having the central character with special needs without the usual patronizing like a lot of shows do and this episode perfectly showcased it

8. Bob's Burgers Season 9 Episode 3 "Tweentreprenuers"
- The Belcher kids encounter a taste of "corporate life" for a school activity. This show is just so clever on how they presented the essence of corporate politics on an Elementary school setting. 

9. Mom Season 6 Episode 9 "Jell-O Shots and the Truth about Santa"
- After nearly two years of absence, Christy talks to her daughter Violet again but in a podcast! This episode is again another example of how the show masterfully balances comedy and it's more serious tone of the struggles of redemption.

10. Disenchantment Season 1 Episode 1 "A Princess, an Elf and a Demon Walk into a Bar"
- My favorite new show of the year is this animated comedy from Netflix, Disenchanted is not the fairy tale you expect s it shakes up the medieval fantasy genre with its brand of imaginative wit and sharp puns

Sunday, December 30, 2018

My Hot 100 for 2018

My favorite songs of the year!

  1. Maybe The Night - Ben & Ben
  2. The Greatest Show - The Greatest Showman Ensemble
  3. Buwan - Juan Karlos
  4. High Hopes - Panic! at the Disco
  5. Mundo - IV of Spades
  6. Sana - I Belong to the Zoo
  7. Never Enough - Loren Allred
  8. Finesse (Remix) - Bruno Mars feat Cardi B
  9. This Feeling - The Chainsmokers feat Kelsea Ballerini
  10. Eastside - Benny Blanco, Halsey and Khalid
  11. New Light - John Mayer
  12. Isa Pang Araw - Sarah Geronimo
  13. The Middle - Zed, Marren Morris and Grey
  14. Akala - Marion
  15. Solo - Clean Bandit feat Demi Lovato
  16. Kung 'Di Rin Lang Ikaw  - December Avenue ft. Moira Dela Torre
  17. This is Me - Kealla Settle 
  18. Rewrite The Stars - Zac Efron & Zendaya
  19. Kathang Isip - Ben & Ben
  20. Done for Me - Charlie Puth feat Kehlani
  21. Happier - Ed Sheeran
  22. Sit Next to Me - Foster the People
  23. Takipsilim - Autotelic
  24. Sa Ngalan ng Pag ibig - December Avenue
  25. Girls Like You - Maroon Five feat Cardi B
  26. Hunger - Florence + The Machine
  27. Have it All - Jason Mraz
  28. Connection - One Republic
  29. Cebuana - Karencitta
  30. Kababata - Kritiko feat Kyla
  31. Dura - Daddy Yankee
  32. Say Amen (Saturday Night) - Panic! at the Disco
  33. These Days - Rudimental feat Jess Glyne and Macklemore
  34. Ako Muna - Yeng Constantino
  35. Stay - All American Rejects
  36. Di Na Muli - Itchyworms
  37. Don't Go Breaking My Heart - Backstreet Boys
  38. All The Stars - Kendrick Lamar feat SZA
  39. A Million Dreams - The Greatest Showman cast
  40. One Kiss - Calvin Harris feat Dua Lipa
  41. Give Yourself a Try - 1975
  42. Say Something - Justin Timberlake feat Chris Stapleton
  43. Rise - Jonas Blue and Jack & Jack
  44. Happy Now - Zedd and Elley 
  45. Just My Type - The Vamps
  46. Psycho - Post Malone  feat Ty Dolla Sign
  47. I Like It  - Cardi B, Bad Bunny and J. Balvin
  48. Pinipigil - Yeng Constantino
  49. One Day - Logic feat Ryan Tedder
  50. In My Prison - IV of Spades
  51. Fix You and Me - Kyla
  52. Kahit Ayaw Mo Na - This Band
  53. Happy for You - Jayda
  54. Side Effects - The Chainsmokers feat Emily Warren
  55. In My Feelings - Drake
  56. Boo'd Up - Ella Mai
  57. Youngblood - 5 Seconds of Summer
  58. No Tears Left to Cry - Ariana Grande
  59. Happier - Bastille
  60. Thru These Tears - LANY
  61. Para sa Tabi - BoybandPH
  62. Sa Mga Bituin na Lang Ibubulong - JM De Guzman
  63. Love Someone - Lukas Graham
  64. Di Ba Halata - Agsunta
  65. Tagpuan - Moira
  66. Taki Taki - DJ Snake feat Selena Gomez, Ozuna and Cardi B
  67. IDGAF - Dua Lipa
  68. No Excuses - Meghan Trainor
  69. Capital Letters - Haille Steinfeld
  70. Meant to Be - Bebe Rexha feat Florida George Line
  71. Never Be The Same - Camila Cabello
  72. I'll Be There - Jess Glyne
  73. Shallow - Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga
  74. Malibu Nights - LANY
  75. If You Leave Me Now - Charlie Puth and Boyz II Men
  76. Want You Back - 5 Seconds of Summer
  77. No Apology (Wala Akong Paki) - Karencita
  78. In My Blood - Shawn Mendes
  79. Sangria Wine - Pharell Williams feat Camila Cabello
  80. I'll Never Love Again - Lady Gaga 
  81. Only Gonna Love You - Kyla feat Req
  82. Whatever It Takes - Imagine Dragons
  83. Mic Drop (Steve Aoki Remix) - BTS
  84. Level Up - Ciara
  85. Come on To Me - Paul McCartney
  86. Di Na Muli - Janine Tenoso
  87. Nadarang - Shanti Dope
  88. Lake Effect Kid - Fallout Boy
  89. 2002 - Anne Marie
  90. Natural - Imagine Dragons
  91. You Are the Reason - Callum Scott
  92. Mas Mabuti Pa - Janine Berdin
  93. Love Lies - Khalid and Normani
  94. Lumang Tugtugin - Inigo Pascual
  95. Tahimik - Yeng Constantino
  96. Better Now - Post Malone
  97. End Game - Taylor Swift feat Ed Sheeran and Future
  98. Without Me - Halsey
  99. Midnight Sky - Unique
  100. Going Going Gone  Maddie Poppe

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Cold Uncertain

There's a cold war from two people close to me and it all started from such a petty issue but harsh words were said (on text!) and now pride couldn't make them set their differences aside. It's affecting the people surrounding them. I want to make a move to patch things up but not working. It's hard to be in the middle of such conflict. It makes me so uncomfortable and what sucks is that literally the day after I had a good day that incident happened. I can't be fully happy. It seems like there are things always stopping me from feeling complete bliss. I can't win.
I've been praying so hard the two work their issue out. Please let them work this out. Let me have this at least

Another key part of my life will undergo another change. I'm very worried about it to be honest. Not only my status there but that place as whole. All the people I knew who took care of that place have left one by one and now who is there left to take care of things? I'm so worried that it's the start of the end. The place is actually so different. A shadow of its former glory but it is still thriving and I hope in years to come

So much changes happening


Moments ago I tried to do something to fix an issue but looks like it failed. I don't know if I can handle this anymore

Sunday, December 02, 2018


I have a dream where I can be free
Free from emotional drama
Free from being a shock absorber
Free of anxiety
Free of insecurity
Free of resentment
Free of guilt
Free of fear
But it's only a dream
Because life will never be totally free

Friday, November 23, 2018


There's a big major change happening near me. Objectively it's a good thing but I can't stop myself from feeling certain discomfort and from there a lot of unwanted feelings like resentment pop out. But hey I chose this because it's a security blanket. But I know deep inside I want more than this. I'm afraid of failing  though. I fear the unknown. I wish I can be brave enough but as I grow old my anxiety over negative results just grows and grows.

Monday, October 29, 2018


I don't like how I easily get stressed lately. Such small and minor things will lead me to think of the worst case scenario. I need to manage my emotions. Need to be braver. Need to be the rock they need me to be. I need to stop whining. I need to stop panicking. Breathe in. Breathe out. It's not a big deal. Don't make a mountain out of mole hills. Just no.

Thursday, October 11, 2018


This never ends. The same crap happens over and over again. I predicted this to happen. I wanted to speak out but I want to avoid drama because there's no point. All those bad energies creeping into me again. They are always in a bad mood. I hate it so much. Then this one makes a messy decision again and drags us all over again. Why do you keep on doing this? I'm so tired of being the person to mediate and the be the shock absorber. I have no choice. This is it and I have nowhere to go. Sometimes I wonder if anyone of you thinks how your actions and decisions affects other people big time. Probably not. The cycle continues. I daydream of being away from here but it's not gonna happen. I can't do it. I can't leave them behind. I can't try to do things on my own. I can't. I wish I didn't feel this way but it's a losing battle. This is what I have become. It's good thing I kept a good distance from anything else. There's no point to be something else, to do anything else, to be somewhere else because I know I will always go back here. To look over them. To try to pacify the situation. To make them feel better. To make them worry less. Be not a problem. Don't be a hassle. Other people are doing it already. No need to add to the chaos anymore. You can't afford to be selfish.
Oh Lord please grant me the strength and more patience because it's just so hard to be this way, to feel this way. I can't lose my guard down. Can't afford it/

Sunday, September 30, 2018

Random Ramblings 9

Tomorrow is October and the start of the last quarter of the year.. Not gonna lie I'm so looking forward to the Christmas bonus. I really need extra money to buy new eyeglasses. My current eyeglasses has a broken frame and is just being held together by a paper clip. Yeah poor me! I wanted to buy for so long but keep putting it off because the type I want is expensive so I'm saving up money for it but something comes along that needs money so yeah I can't gather the funds to get what I want. Yeah one of those times I feel really bad I don't earn that much to afford stuff like it.

 Watched Exes Baggage and I really like it. I admit the added factor that it stars two actors of my generation helps a lot. I love the music. I have been singing the movie's theme song Maybe The Night by Ben & Ben for days already. Beautiful music. As for the story I felt like it was able to capture a real relationship by regular folks in this modern era. And the ending I love it! Not exactly new but the way they build the scene was glorious.

I filed a leave tomorrow simply because I have too many unused vacation leaves and might as well used one to take a rest and yes save money from transportation. All the stuff I'm working on has been well taken care off so I'm free to do it. I really have no plans tomorrow but stay at home and do nothing of importance.

I turned 31 this month and honestly unlike when I turned 29 and 30, I didn't freak out this time around. Yeah older again but I don't feel as bad anymore that I haven't accomplished any of my dreams before. I don't know maybe I just accepted things as they are and just make the most of what I have right now. Or I gave up dreaming altogether.

I've been trying to ignore political news whether online or real life interactions. This is really the worst era I've experienced. I just can't believe how things are right now. It's so frustrating.

I'm so uncomfortable with changes lately but I've been doing a good job not panicking that much this time although there are stray moments where I go paranoid but I don't dwell on it as much as possible.

I ended a long time activity because I felt the interest already subsided and it's just not the same anymore. I felt that I made the right call because things went as expected. It sucks to accept that hey it's not the same anymore.

The new season of the Serial podcast is fantastic narrative journalism. The chances of me being a journalist is very low right now but hey but my love for well-researched and produced journalism will never die. I can't be one but I can support one. My blood boils how this era journalism is being degraded by fake news propaganda.

I hate to admit but I do like being in my comfort zone. It frustrate me at times that growth is stunted but I do like not being overwhelmed by another type of stress  I can deal with this empty feeling than get stressed again. I could not lose the last stands of hair I have in my head to stress.

For practicality purposes, i can't quit social media for good but I've successfully avoided lingering on Facebook and Twitter unlike before where I spend so much time wasted browsing the feed and feel bad about my life or get annoyed reading obnoxious opinions. It's a step. Social media is just too toxic for me nowadays.

Monday, August 27, 2018

Random Ramblings 8

Today is a holiday and I went to work. BUT I ACTUALLY ENJOY IT. The commute is so breezy. No heavy traffic and everything is so fast. Ayala Makati is also so serene that I liked walking to the office. Inside the office there's few people as well and I quite like the calmness of it all. Now I kinda dread going to work tomorrow because the commute will be stressful again.  Anyway,. In two weeks 10 years na akong parte ng working class! My first two jobs I lasted less than 9 months COMBINED then my third (and current) 9 years na ako! One thing I can say eh yung "iba na kapag real world" na sinasabi nila nung nag aaral pa ako eh TOTOO NGA! Iba nga talaga! There are things that you will learn about yourself and life in general as you go along. Minsan iniisip mo hindi ka pa mature to handle this and that but I feel na you won't really notice that you are maturing as it happens and in hindsight na lang marerealize na nag iiba na perspective of that you handle matters differently now. Of course there are regrets along the way, i think part naman talaga yun ng buhay but you really need to try your best not to to dwell on it too much. There's still a long road ahead and it's imperative to get rid of thoughts that will just keep you from moving forward.


Absorbing so much stress lately. So far I'm still holding on. I'm praying though one potential source of another stressful time will not come to fruition. I know it will be such a mess so i really hope it won't happen. This thing that may or may not happen already occurred years ago and it was just a mess I don't know why people can't learn from it. I see the rationale behind the trying again but why is the planning not any better? Why are people are in a rush to do things their way without going to the proper channels. I wish I can speak out but it's not gonna work out because I'm in no position to do so. I really hope that things will turn out in my favor

Saturday, August 25, 2018

The Rock

I recently watched this movie SIGNAL ROCK about a guy and his small remote island community. I was able to relate to the lead character in a way as he is the one who absorbs  all the stressful stuff thrown at him. I'm not as strong and as skilled as him though. I'm so limited in a lot of ways but for some reason I have become some sort of shock absorber. I can not fall apart but I wish I could do something more. Financially of course.I'm stable but I wish had more disposable income. Life is harder today to be honest. Luckily I am still able to save some money but I wish I could save more. I've recently appealed for a salary increase which hopefully works out. I really need it. I thought of getting an SSS loan but you see I'm reserving that when there's really a big need. All I need now is better cash flow monthly and one time loan won't improve things.

As I type another stressful stuff is going on and the source if it all is just a small incident. It's actually not that a big of an issue but alas mood swings. You really have be so strong or maybe frigid to take it all in without breaking apart. I remember in December a small incident created such big chaos and it all started because I opened my mouth instead of just staying quiet or diverting the issue. I remember how emotionally damaging that day was. Of course in the end I've set my pride aside and did the move to make it all okay. And in the end all is okay as it often does when emotions are no longer high.  That moment taught me that it's not really worth it to fight back sometimes. I'm too weak and yeah a pushover. Just be quiet or talk minimally. Ignore since it will pass anyway. No need to let myself go through such an emotional torture for small things that could be ignored or not treat as a big deal. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore for less stressful existence.

Tuesday, July 10, 2018


I have a wall. I have a space left for myself. I don't let people come near it. I think it's for the better. I'm not totally alienated but I always keep a safe distance. I don't want to be too close for comfort. I'm an introvert but functions good enough socially to survive. Even during moments I let my guard down it's not 100%. This blog's recent posts are somewhat giving a glimpse of some of things that's inside the wall. That's why I keep this blog updated. This is where I let myself out in the open, where I say things I can't tell anyone directly. Although I know at this point there's few legit people reading this anymore. Maybe an old acquaintance or someone googles me discover this blog. Hi there. This is me. Don't get freaked out. I'm just full on angst and anxiety. I'm trying to work things out. Hoping and praying that one day I can be that man I wish could be. For now, i'm far from it. It's frustrating me a lot. Nearly everyday. There are things I'm trying to work on myself. I wish I could look back one day and read this post and smile because I was able to overcome this and be in a better place.

So blogspot don't die. I want to be able to keep these memories online for years to come. It's a piece of me out there in the world.

Sunday, July 08, 2018

Resisting Resentment

It's nearly an everyday struggle for me these  days to resist being resentful. I feel like I wasted so much time in my life. I missed out on possible opportunities. The feeling is something I try to escape from but it willl always find its way back to my mind. I distract myself. Focus on work. Listen to music and podcast. Watch TV. I need to keep my mind preoccupied because if I don't (like in  this moment as I type this) the resentments are attacking me at every corner. Yesterday was generally a good day, finally resolved a long time issue that actually quite inspired me to make a few more steps to do a thing I've been wanting to do for so long. However today I was reminded again why I couldn't do it in the past and why I stilll couldn't do it. There's a valid reason why I can't and there's no way I wouldn't choose it as my #1 priority. But then this thing I've been wanting so long is delayed for a decade already and I feel like time running out for that thing to happen, the window of opportunity lessens as days go by.
Maybe I should just accept that thing was possibly not meant for me. Maybe I should so I can start the process of moving on.

Friday, June 22, 2018

Random Ramblings 7

I have three former classmates who got married recently. And as expected it triggered something inside of me. While browsing at their photos all I can think is that I could never afford this. Huh! Oh well I don't know. Okay I admit I feel a little envious they are entering that stage of their lives.  I admit since I was a teen  I felt like I will still end up like this at this age, I think even blogged about it here. But of course deep in my heart I wished I was wrong. But oh well things happened as I've always predicted it would be. It sucks but that's life. Not really sure if that is something that could still happen in the future. But I have so many unfulfilled matters that to be honest that's the least of things I care about. But still I'm human and feels this kind of things when reminded of. It will pass like it always do but right at this moment writing about what I'm feeling helps me cope with the frustration. 


I also recently found out one of my college professors migrated to Canada. I felt sad I was not able to see her before she left. She's one of my favorite professor because she was also part of my student journalist life and gave me all the support I needed especially during tough times. It also made me sad that she had to migrate so she can provide a better future for her family. It's totally understandable especially with the current political climate. To be honest I also thought about it. Moving to another country and start a new life. But I can't do it. I know I can't.  But you know what I never thought I would someday even entertain the thought of leaving the country. 


I saw on social media that HF announced their Team 33 Editorial Board. It has been that long. I was part of Teams 20-22. Anyway, for some reason I had to urge to post congratulations to the exiting EIC and "words of wisdom" to the incoming EIC.  Those kids probably got weirded out that on old editor randomly commented. Thinking about it is kinda embarrassing because they don't know me and never met me!  I guess I just love my HF experience so much that I still try to stay connected with it somehow over a decade later but I should probably let it go and stop reliving that moment when I felt like I had the biggest achievement of my life because I admit my editorial stint was a disappointment. 


July 1 marks my 9th year here at my job. I will definitely go for 10 years now that I have gone this far. I'm grateful that I have a stable job where I get to do something I like. I even survived the stressful years where our salaries were delayed for a year and I thought the company would close down. I experienced a lot in those 9 years. I treat a lot of the people I worked with as family.  But I'm sad that deep inside I still feel such a disappointment and that I sometimes I regret pursuing a job that I like than a job that's more financially rewarding. That feeling has been lingering inside of me for a long time already and despite my best efforts shoving it down it just won't die. 

Thursday, June 07, 2018


 I'm 30 for crying out loud but I feel so inadequate. My life right now is on a loop but I hate to admit that I like the safe blanket I have right now. But I know something is lurking or the future is shaky if  I don't do something drastic. I worry a lot, I need to be ready but I can't make the first step. I second guess myself all the time. This is what frustrating me the most because the problem is me. I'm just so afraid of taking a risk. I really want to be selfish and do something that will only benefit me but I always think about them. They need me. I need them too. I hate to admit that I feel like I can't handle bigger adult problems. My confidence is at an all time low right now.

Saturday, May 19, 2018


I've been trying my best not to think about personal issues lately and I've been mostly successful as I focused more on work and other personal interests. But the previous day was rough it as if  life said to me "oh you think you can escape? Nope". But I think it's fine. Keeps me grounded. Keeps me from slacking off. Insecurity is such a nasty enemy that is so hard to defeat. But you just need to fight if off the best way that you can. I believe that acknowledging what you are truly feeling is a good step.
But for now, can I just wallow for  awhile? I'll get over this but for now I just want to put into words the feeling I have now. I'm drowning with "I'm a loser" thoughts right now. A few hours ago, I was folding our family's laundry which I usually do every Friday night.  The humid weather did  not help me as I just got more irritable and had these "poor me" thoughts. The thing is lately I've been witnessing friends entering new phases in their lives: Getting married. A baby on the way. A new job. Advancing in career. And where I am? Here perspiring like a mad man folding laundry. The truth of the matter this choice I made in my life is something I really don't hate or even regret lately.  I feel like I was really meant to be in this spot at this time. But damn I can't help but think of WHAT IF scenarios.

Friday, April 27, 2018


I want to learn to drive. I'm the only man in the family aside from my 9 year old nephew who doesn't know how to. No one ever encouraged me to do or even asked about it. I guess they know my fear. I want to learn but I'm afraid to drive. I'm a clumsy person. I'm afraid  of getting into an accident. Or worst run over a person. I know I'm so paranoid. But I just can't shake off the feeling

I know to get this over with. I have so many deficiencies in life and a lot of this is my fault because I let feat take over my life. I'm posting this so I can finally admit this fear in my life. I hope this is a first step.

I'm so behind a lot of things in life. There need to be changes. There must be

Saturday, April 21, 2018


You always try your best not to blame anyone but sometimes you just couldn't handle it anymore. You keep on thinking, if you did not let it happen, it wouldn't turn out to be this way. If you didn't let your paranoia creep into other people, maybe those people won't grow up being so.damned.afraid.of.doing.certain.things.. 

Of course you acknowledge that for things not to happen to you, you need to fight back the forces that brings you down or keeps you stagnant. You were simply not brave to test the waters and go against the grain. You choose to stay in the comfort zone to avoid stress, to avoid dealing with backlash, to avoid the possibility of failure. Instead of  thinking "what if it works", you automatically think "what if it doesn't" and bury your thoughts to the 

 You let fear beat you to the punch until you realize one day time is running out. Or maybe it already ran out. You are not sure if there's still time. You are not sure where are you going to end up anymore. What's worse you keep on comparing yourself to others and see how you are so behind with everything. You try not to think about it anymore. Focus your attention to something else. Focus to what matters to you right now but then there always things, instance, people that will keep  reminding you of the shitty feelings you are trying to bury into oblivion.

You acknowledge that self loathing, whining and complaining will not help you get anywhere. But you just need to let it out because everything is all bottled up. You are second guessing yourself all the time. You like giving advice to other people when you yourself have so many issues to deal with. You hate looking yourself in the mirror. You look like crap. But you know that goes beyond the physical but your reflection speaks so much of what you have become. 

You hate that you are a cliche. You hate that you actually fell into a stereotype. But you are okay with living in mediocrity because  it's still not the worst case scenario, Sometimes you wish you didn't take a leap of faith before because in hindsight you didn't really have what it takes to be that person you thought you could be. You should have chosen the safer road.because you just set yourself up with disappointment by following what you think is closer to your heart. You now think you made a bad call despite that path gave you one of the best memories of your life. 

You continue to daydream yet you don't want to aspire anymore. You just want yourself to be completely OK with the present. Yet you still couldn't shake off the feeling but maybe things will still turn around. You pray so hard that this isn't i. You can't help but still hope maybe this is just a roadblock that you will look back in the future and smile because you have survived and beat your worst enemy - you. 

Friday, March 30, 2018

Random Ramblings 6

I tried to sleep earlier but I couldn't do so. Instead, my mind was preoccupied of things that bother me. Both shallow stuff and real life issues. Maybe because it's Holy Week and I'm in a contemplative mood. I dunno maybe it's just typical me.


It's Holy Week and a lot has changed. When we were going to church yesterday we've noticed almost every fast food and grocery stores are open to business! Back in the day, there's hardly any business open and the atmosphere is quiet but now it feels like just a normal day. Back in the pre-Internet days as well, there's hardly any "entertainment" because the TV and radio stations go dark or have religious themed programming. Now it's just different. I admit I do like some of things we experience right now but I can't help but miss the simpler times. 


On the 10th anniversary of my college graduation, I resisted the urge to post something commemorating it on social media. I know that post will lead me to a road I don't want to go. Even if I try to mask it with positivism I know it wont sound true and I'm just kidding myself because I will wallow in self pity and make things bigger deal than it really is. I was successful in "ignoring" it on social media. No post whatsoever but not gonna lie on that day (heck days leading to that) I would have random thoughts about it. I even made the mistake of reading old blog posts 10 years ago and I was reminded me of one error I committed on my campus journalist days which until now still haunts me of how I was such a weakling back then which was probably was a sign how I will fare in the real world I guess. I hope someday I won't feel this way anymore. I don't like feeling like such a big loser in life.

My nanay is taking new medicines and we observed that she has been so moody and very impatient. I won't deny it's frustrating and draining. However, when she acts out I always think of the worst case scenario to put me in perspective and make me appreciate what I have now. "Others have it worst" I always say that to myself so I won't let my frustration beat me. It's really tough but you do what you have to do. 


We watched the local movie SEVEN SUNDAYS on TV earlier, I found myself relating to one character. It's a family (light) drama and it strikes a chord. It also made me wish some things about my present that I wish went on a different route. Overall I enjoyed the movie. 

Monday, February 19, 2018

Random Ramblings 5

Hey this blog turned 13 years old last Feb 5. I'm very glad blogger still exists despite social media stealing its thunder and people don't blog that much anymore in the traditional way (you know as an online journal). I hope blogger continues to stay for a long time. I would be sad to see it go like Multiply which had a lot of my college memories that went down with it when it closed down. This blog is my time capsule.


Also happy is still around. I've been a user since 2004 and a part of the moderating team since 2010. I admit I'm a little sad that the forum is not active as it used to be. I still keep in touch with a lot of friends I made there through social media. I've also been friends with the people behind the site and it's also a little sad because I was also a witness when a lot of them moved on to different careers and endeavors over the years. I wish for more years of PEx, this is also a great time capsule, not just personally but the Pinoy pop culture. I sometimes look up for some things and it's not unusual to see some old PEx threads show up. 


I had some mini-health scare recently. Well to be honest it really was just a simple coughs but I'm just really paranoid. What's great though is that I used our new HMO card for the first time and felt good to have to expensive lab tests free of charge. Medicines are expensive though! Still, I'm 30 and obese so I really have to take care of myself. I'm trying to lose weight, nothing drastic yet and it will take me a long time but I'm kinda proud of myself for eating more vegetables now. I just need more discipline with junk foods and sweets. Hopefully I can do it


I've been working for nearly ten years and I've been with my present company for nearly nine years and one thing I've noticed is that first quarter of the year is the "resignation season".  And as expected some office mates resigned in the past weeks. One of them is my video editor for TeleNovela Channel. I've been working with him I think almost four years. He was an intern that got absorbed in the company and is actually one of the longest video editor I had for this project. To be honest, it will be a hassle for me to deal with a new editor as I'm already used to our work rhythm but it was inevitable. People need to grow and sadly I know the video editing spot for this project doesn't offer that much in that regard. It's a good entry level job but has limitations . And the task gets boring as it really has a basic template on what to do. Wishing the best for my departing editor and hopefully the company will be able to hire someone as competent as him and easy to work with

I've been addicted to podcasts lately. At first it was because I just recentlyy discovered you can listento it on Spotify hahaha! The two I listen the most are Anna Faris' Unqualified which is celebrity interviews and counselling to callers and The Hollywood Reporter's Awards Chatter which is of course celebrity interviews but with focus on how they started in the industry which I find very interesting. I like celerity interviews on podcasts, the celebrities are more natural and less-PR driven. I like hearing their stories. 
And I also finally  understood the hype of the true crime podcast Serial which was so popular in 2014. I downloaded and listen to Season 1 and the case was really engaging and the production was top notch! But the case is sad and left me with a heavy heart. I probably won't listen to any true crime podcast anytime soon. I'll stick with the celebrity interviews

Monday, January 29, 2018

Random Ramblings 4

*Last week I did something that I was trying to avoid which was to watch 2 movies in the theater. I'm on a budget and watching movies especially in Metro Manila is just expensive to me now but that night I felt a little off for some reason so I needed an escape. I watched The Greatest Showman which got my interest because I really love the soundtrack and I love movie musicals. The movie was very enjoyable although I can definitely see why many critics did not like it. It felt a little rushed and there's some off pacing and story. I also read the real story behind the main character is so different than what was presented to the movie. But as a form of entertainment I really enjoyed. I liked most of the songs and I've been listening to the soundtrack on Spotify every day! The music is infectious!.
The other movie I saw is a local movie Ang Dalawang Mrs Reyes which surprised me a lot. The trailed made it look like a broad comedy about wives discovering that their husbands are gay and in a relationship. But the movie is so much more than that. It's a great dissection of not just sexual identity but also about relationships and dealing with pain. The "kabit" genre is so popular in Pinoy pop culture because A LOT of Pinoys could relate to it. The catty remarks these movies are so known for are probably a form of catharsis to a lot of Pinoys. But to be honest  most kinda felt shallow and does not really connect to a deeper level which what impressed me with Ang Dalawang Mrs Reyes because of the way they presented the pain that happens to people that got cheated on. It's thought provoking.On the sexual identity side, the movie was also quite educational. I didn't know there were so many facets to it. Not just gay, lesbian and bisexual. 
So yes I went over my budget but I somehow don't regret it because I watched two good movies. One great escapist entertainment and the other one made me ponder on things. How I wish I could afford to watch movies again on a weekly basis. Yes there are "ways" to watch at home but I love watching in the cinema. I feel more connected.

*The Good Place is one of my favorite TV shows right now and as the season comes to a close, I just want to say once again how this show fascinates. It's so unpredictable and I like how they discuss philosophy and ethics. Thought provoking but it never loses the humor.

*I had one tradition that I've been doing for the last few years that I thought of not doing anymore. It involves other people and I know the interest with this activity have dwindled over the years. I thought why should I bother anymore but I decided the last minute to continue doing it. The result is pretty much what I expected  but I'm okay with it and decided that I'll continue doing this as long as possible.  I still find it fun to do so it's OK if the interest is not as high as it used to be. 

*I hate looking myself in the mirror. I need to do something about this

Tuesday, January 09, 2018

Random Ramblings 3

*New year but still the same old feeling of discontent. I will do my best to get out of this phase as soon as possible. I was actually in good spirits for awhile because there were things to distract  me I guess. But today I blame my phone whose battery drained faster than usual so I was not able to listen to Spotify or radio on my commute back home. You see, I have at least an hour travel  and during the lull moments I often find myself thinking a lot of things so that's why I needed something to listen to so I won't have these thoughts overtaking my mind again. 

* A few weeks ago I had a chat with a friend and we were talking about her youngest kid who is entering senior high this coming school year. I asked what track is he planning to take and she said humanities because he wants to have a career in mass media. I jokingly told her that it's not the practical decision "look at me". We laughed it off. Earlier we had  a chat again and she told me that his son will still pursue that track even though she told him that it may not be practical and actually used my words as piece of advice. I was a surprised because I didn't mean to be that kind of cynical person who will trample on a young person's dream. What have I become? I admit I'm mostly pessimistic but of course deep in my heart I'm still a dreamer. 

*Browsing Facebook never fails to bring out a side of me I really hate. I rarely browse and the time I do I still stumble to something in my timeline that will once again trigger emotions I hate feeling. I saw a post from an acquaintance I met at a campus journalism workshop a decade ago. He is now based abroad and was interviewed by a local news channel to get his insights on a national issue. I was impressed and of course felt little again. He is going places and while I am basically.... I'll stop..

*Which brings me to this: This March will mark the 10th year since I graduated from college. I will try not to feel bad that whatever my goal back then never happened nor am I near where I thought would be at this point of my life. I will try to avoid 'how time flies" or "napag iwanan" thoughts. 

*I made a big deal in previous posts about my year end chart tradition if I should stop or not. Well basically I didn't fully abandon it but made some changes. I no longer tried to listen and list down multiple radio year end charts at once. I just listened to one station at night and stopped when we were about to eat (in previous years I had my headphones while eating). I guess I can call it a progress.