Monday, November 29, 2021

A Vibe

 Working (in the office) a day before a holiday always has that relaxing atmosphere. Of course, it isn't the same from the pre-pandemic times but still, it's nice to feel that semblance of that particular feeling again. I was able to accomplish some urgent work and also ran some errands for my family and didn't feel stressed or haggard. I hope December will run smoothly. While I know there will be a level of stress that comes with the season, I just hope there won't be life-altering problems on the horizon. Praying hard for this.

Sunday, November 28, 2021

No Deja Vu Please

A lot of countries are bringing back suspending entries from countries due to the virus new variant. It's beginning to feel like another dangerous time is upon us. Everything with this new variant are still under study/observation. I really hope the vaccines are strong enough to prevent fatal cases. No one can take another round of restrictions and lives on hold. Oh please let this be not another nightmate.

Saturday, November 27, 2021

Omicron

 So this new COVID19 has an official name OMICRON. I hope you won't be a household name like DELTA. I really hope the current vaccines will keep it at bay. I've accepted that this virus won't really go away but vaccines will keep it from being fatal thus less hospitalizations. Almost 2 years of this lifechanging event and just when you think it's finally coming to an end then boom another plot twist. But I hope it just us being so paranoid but in the end it won't really be the start of another nightmare. 

Friday, November 26, 2021

But...

So COVID19 cases reported today is just over 800 which is the lowest in a long time. The daily cases trend has been so good and I was really beginning to hope for a better 2022 but now the news of a new potentially deadly variant found in South Africa is dampening my mood. Hopefully, this won't be another cause of problem again. It's so tiring

Thursday, November 25, 2021

Need to Feel

Christmas season is upon us! There will be caroling this year as allowed by the powers that be! I haven't been inside a mall lately but the decorations are all over from what I see outside. I sincerely hope I can feel more of the jolly holiday spirit and I get out of this sullen mode I've been lately. I'll try to get in the mood, maybe watch Christmas movies? I don't know. I really hope and pray the last month of 2021 will be saved from any worrying situation that will give me so much anxieties. Please Lord give this to me.

Wednesday, November 24, 2021

Tricky

 I'm in such a weird spot lately. I just feel so confused and messed up. There are so many things bugging my mind that I don't know what to do really. But I carry on each day facing life's uncertainties the best way I can. December is next week. It used to be my favorite month but I now feel so much dread. I'm scared of so many things that I can't enjoy life as it is. I always keep in mind things could be worst and yet I can't stop thinking what awaits could be terrible too. Oh Dear Lord please help find hope and peace.

Tuesday, November 23, 2021

No Way

  I think ahead and all I see is grim. How do you try not to think of darkness when it is seeping little by little overwhelming your senses. You know a moment of peace won't last, there's always something that's gonna ruin it eventually. You can't fully experience because there's always  a price for it. You want to be mad but you can't feel ungrateful that the worst has not happened yet. You always have to be the bigger person and handle everything as calmly as possible. But you are not made of stone despite trying to be that kind of person. You can't escape because even if you do there's no way you won't feel guilty so what's the point? Just endure as long as you can. Suck every single piece of frustration you have until you feel numb. There's just simply something you can't do. 

Monday, November 22, 2021

Not Happening

 I've been seeing this tweet going around about a breadwinner already traumatized to start a family of his own. I'm no breadwinner but currently carrying a big responsibility to my family that starting my own one is just nowhere near my future. And to be honest, I don't want to. I love the idea of having one though. I dreamed of it. It's just not something possible with my current situation and responsibilities. It does make me sad sometimes that I can't make my own path. 

Sunday, November 21, 2021

Around

 I spent a good part of the afternoon watching documentaries on YouTube specifically human interest stories specific to a country. From the so-called leftover women in China, how dating works in modern Iran, water supply struggles in Pakistan, feminist movement and abuse of mentally disabled people in South Korea, rediscovering rural living in Japan, bleaching issues in South Africa to the pest struggles in the farms of Kenya! There's a lot of great professionally done narrative journalism you can find on YouTube these days and my mind is satisfied. 

Saturday, November 20, 2021

Step Inside

 So I attended a meeting at my nephew's school and they encouraged for the students to go there too under safety measures of course. While my nephew was too lazy to come first, we convinced him to come because it will be the first time he will see his school since enrolling for his high school phase last year. Since he spent his pre-school and elementary years in a small school here in our subdivision, he was so amazed to be in a bigger school. I saw the excitement in his eyes! While they won't be coming back to face to face classes anytime soon as the principal announced earlier, they encouraged the parents to get the kids vaccinated as soon as possible to make this a reality. I really hope my nephew will have his real school experience next year at the very least!

Friday, November 19, 2021

Crack

 Something happened today which I'm not gonna lie is something I was hoping would happen just to shake those who refuses to see what's totally wrong. But I'm not trying to be hopeful that this could lead to a more meaningful mindset from the general public. I've been burned too many times but maybe this could be a game changer? I hope so. We desperately need  to get out of this darkness.

Thursday, November 18, 2021

Defeatist

Negative thoughts are drowning me lately that a way for me to fight them off is to keep myself and preoccupied most of the time. It's really quite unhealthy that I always think of failing, of losing hope and letting the worst-case scenario grapple me. I'm just scared to think positive then ultimately end up losing. I'm so nervous about where everything is going. I need to stop accepting things if I can do something about it to change the fate. Oh God please guide me. 

Wednesday, November 17, 2021

You Need to Calm Down

 So after my meltdown last night, I have calmed down. Good thing I kept all those negative energy to myself and not let people know or feel what I'm going through because it would just create unnecessary stress. Unwanted tension. I had a good cry last night in bed trying to sleep and I woke up feeling better. I had a little mini meltdown to myself awhile ago too but my sensible side won thank God. I now go back feeling hopeful, very nervous but fighting for courage. I need to. 

Tuesday, November 16, 2021

Another L in the Forehead

 So I had this wake up call over a matter that has been an issue for years but I looked the other way so I won't get stressed about it and just hoped it would work out eventually. But now I'm facing the consequences of my negligence. I hope I can work this issue out soon enough. I'm a massive disappointment. I guess it's good I basically closed myself off from anyone so I embarrass myself less.  Or is it? I don't know. I'm just clueless.  

Monday, November 15, 2021

Sub

Yeah the expected political moves happened today and it's still worrying me a lot. I'm afraid that people already experience some form of freedom today will just ignore all the awful stuff that happened. The fanaticism on social media is alarming. So antagonistic. I'm scared, very scared.

Sunday, November 14, 2021

Block

 Going to the office tomorrow because there's office service so I'll take advantage of that but honesty it's also a way for me to get distracted and avoid the news tomorrow which will definitely just stress me out because of one inevitable stunt coming to fruition. I feel so scared for next year because I do feel they will win. I have so many frustrations but feel so helpless. So I'll just try to escape at every opportunity.


Saturday, November 13, 2021

Well, Well. Well?

 I jumped in the All Too Well 10 Minute Version bandwagon! Say what you want about Taylor Swift but she has really this storytelling power! This song is quite affecting in this major extended edition! It's #1 on Spotify Worldwide which is impressive because in the screaming age, the shorter the song, the more the streams it gets so for a 10-minute song to go #1 is mighty impressive!

***

Crazy days at my country. Political moves that are widely expected but still infuriating. I admit I'm scared they will win. But still clinging to hope there it won't be the case 



Friday, November 12, 2021

Still...

Traffic is really back but while there less restrictions. It still doesn't feel close too normal to me. It just is. 
Office began putting up Christmas but it just made me sad. Second year of a Christmas like this. But I will try to beat this sadness I feel and muster up as much enthusiasm as I can. 

Thursday, November 11, 2021

Five

 My family received an unexpected blessing today that made my parents so happy! Whenever I see Nanay and Tatay happy, my heart is full as well. I hope this is a good sign of better days because this has been a tough year. While there will always worries, I fight each day to stay positive and hopeful and a good day like this helps me not to lose hope completely.

Wednesday, November 10, 2021

New connections

 So today I applied for a bundle cable TV service and fiber Internet connection from a new company that is entering our town. It's local-based company and I've read reviews from its sister company from another and mostly good reviews so I can't wait to have this installed in our house. Our current cable sucks so much ever since they got bought out by a larger company, they were better when they were just a small company, good thing we never upgraded to include Internet service because all I hear about their service is horrible. Hopefully, the fiber internet connection will be good too because the prepaid WiFi we've been using for 2 years now have been failing us lately! 

Tuesday, November 09, 2021

Solidify

So I was just reminded literally a few minutes ago why I should never be complacent. Absorbing another person's anxiety is so tough but I need to do it. No room for myself to be honest. I need on constant alert all the time. I have such big fears of what is ahead that I just try to avoid thinking about it but I can't escape from it. I'm living it each day. At least my gut feel over a major call is making more sense each day.  It needs to be done for everybody's sake.

Monday, November 08, 2021

Here for the Season

 Yeah, they are still the ones that can produce a Christmas that truly makes me feel like it is the yuletide season. There's always something enchanting and sincere about it. Their song always connects to me.




Sunday, November 07, 2021

A Lesson Learned

 I  was watching the news earlier and they were asking common people what they want from a candidate. There was this man who I judged that is in the same "political fandom" just because of his background in life and how he talks but boy I was wrong. He made so much sense and very sensible with his opinions too. Not driven by propaganda, not driven by hate, not driven by antagonism but he became from a place where he just had enough of the hardships in life and simply wants accountability and fairness. I really should not judge people easily. What he said made me ponder if I am also falling in the trap of judging people easily because of how others behave. I should not be blinded by the loud antagonism and bending of truth by people out there. There are real people out there who are not easily swayed by those. And hopefully there are more.  

Saturday, November 06, 2021

Timing

  So one thing didn't go as planned today and that led to some consequences. Not MAJOR consequences but still substantial enough to stress me out so much. Admittedly, my anxiety is rooted to my incessant overthinking! I hope it will be settled tomorrow because prolonging this will just lead to unnecessary agony. 

Friday, November 05, 2021

Roundup!

With the cancellation of Mom, Superstore, American Housewife and Brooklyn Nine Nine, my regular comedy schedule has slimmed down but I still continue to watch what's left! So thoughts on the current US Broadcast live action comedies

The Goldbergs - The season premiere tribute to George Segal was so heartfelt and a great way to honor his legacy! After that, it's the same old Goldbergs formula. Sometimes it still hits those funny bones but the same beats over and over again is just tiresome


The Wonder Years 2021 - Generally good show that explores coming-of-age topics so well and sensibly but I gotta admit it's really not LOL funny, it's amusing at best. But still a pleasant show watch.


The Conners - The Darlene storyline has potential especially with her exploration of faith and existential crisis but the character is just annoying and she deserves what Ben is giving her right now! Dan-Louise wedding was the highlight of the season so far, it was so hilarious! Laurie Metcalf continues to deliver the big laughs each episode, she's just amazing!


Home Economics - The show is trying to do a mix of Happy Endings and Modern Family but the problem is? Weak cast chemistry!


The Neighborhood - It's really a good joke/banter-heavy sitcom. Pretty basic but lovable cast.


Bob Hearts Abishola - The wedding episode was so vibrant and a pleasure to watch. Now the main couple is married, they are entering interesting plotlines so far.


Young Sheldon - This season is really handing the build up to Sheldon's dad fate really well with careful study of why George is facing a crisis that will ultimately end up to what Sheldon told us on Big Bang Theory. Also like Georgie's storyline too!


Ghosts - Best broadcast comedy of the moment! The latest episode made me tear up at the same time making me laugh out loud with that Bachelor-type show the ghosts were watching!


B Positive - The second season has a major pivot! It shifted from kidney donation to now being set at a senior home! The first episodes were rough to be honest as they wrap up the previous central storyline and builded the blocks to the new focus of the show. But the last 2 episodes when they finally focused with the new setup has been good so far with new senior characters introduced with interesting storylines. However, the love angle between the leads is tiresome!!!

Side note: They changed the opening from the bloody animated organ operation to a broadway-inspired number with Annaleigh Ashford front and center and I love it!


Of the non-US broadcast comedies I've enjoyed Ted Lasso, What We Do in the Shadows, The Other Two and my favorite Only Murders in the Building!  I'll write some thoughts maybe some other day

Thursday, November 04, 2021

Unseen

 So last night Ayala avenue had its annual street lights started already. I just saw it in the news and not in person though because I was working from home yesterday but even if I work at the office I go home before 5PM so there's just no way for me to see it anymore. So for the second year in a row, I won't be able to see it again because there's no way I would stay late in the office these days. But damn 2 years of not experiencing this is making me a little sad. It was always a lovely thing to see and somehow makes me feel in the holiday spirit. Yeah, those days. Even if they are loosening up restrictions now, it's still far from normal, the real normal and not this new normal crap. I'm not sure if I will ever go back that way too. So much has changed.

Wednesday, November 03, 2021

Happy Birthday Tay!

 Tatay's 67th birthday today! Thank you Lord for keeping him healthy and strong. Please guide him always.




Tuesday, November 02, 2021

Paved

I had a good chat with an officemate today on how her family is affected by a road widening in their hometown and how they are getting the short end of the stick! They won't get compensated properly with the land they own that will be affected by it and those in power even insinuated that their land ownership over that was wrong in the first place. This a land their family owned for so long and it is only now really? She suspected that this so called widening is just for the benefit of one company because once the road widening their commercial property will now be accessible! I've read stories about this but now that I know someone personally that will get affected I really can't help but feel so frustrated even more! Are we really that powerless now?

Monday, November 01, 2021

Unknown

The start of the final 2 months of 2021! Hoping and praying things will get better personally! I want badly things to go back to normal but I also acknowledge it will never go back the way it once before. So I try my best to manage expectations, as long as it is not as terrible as I feared it will be okay. But I do wonder if this defeatist attitude will be good in the long run? Probably not but I always think of what's best for the moment. It's hard to plan for the future when a lot of things are uncertain. I do wish I was less afraid. It's so frustrating my issues are still the same all these years but my situation has gotten more complicated so whatever dreams I have are further away from reality. 

Sunday, October 31, 2021

Both Sides Now

 I watched the movie CODA today and absolutely love it. Truth be told, it didn't reinvent the coming-of-age drama wheel but it has an interesting POV as it is from a Child of Deaf Adults and they casted legit deaf actors for the role so it was more authentic. The story basically tells on how pursuing one's path but is hard if you don't want to leave your family behind because they badly need you in their lives. Are you selfish for thinking your own personal interest? How the story panned out was admittedly predictable but still it was such well done movie that the ending was earned. The last part were so moving, a scene where the father is feeling her daughter's vocal chords while she is singing absolutely destroyed me! And the final musical moment involves the song Both Sides Now that was so affecting and has now led me to singing the Joni Mitchell song frequently now! The movie is streaming worldwide on Apple TV+  if you wanna check it out!

Saturday, October 30, 2021

Another Dose

 My brother finally got his first dose of vaccine today. So that's just leave Nanay and my 13-year old nephew unvaccinated. Nanay's case we have to wait for her doctor's advice first but hopefully soon. Same with my nephew now that his age group will be allowed to get vaccinated soon. I really hope by 2022 things can have a true semblance of normalcy. 

Friday, October 29, 2021

Goes On

 So today was officially the last day of my co-workers who were retrenched.  Some approached to say goodbye and I really felt sad. And I just spent the last few hours reading their farewell messages on Facebook and sending my regards too. I don't show it that much in person but I'm sentimental  so I can't help but feel this way whenever people leave especially the ones I've worked with and have known for many years. And honestly even the ones I never had the chance to work with because we've seen each other's faces for a long time  so there's always that familiarity. I've been with the same company for 12 years so I've seen so many people come and go but each exit will always bring out a level of sadness.

Thursday, October 28, 2021

Exits

 Some of my co-workers who got retrenched said their goodbyes. I'm not really close to anyone of them to be honest but still you've seen each other's faces for years in the same office so it's still sad really especially how it's not really their choice and not what the company prefers too. It's just necessary in order to survive in this tough economic situation. November is about to begin and all I can hope is that a promise of a better tomorrow is ahead. 

Wednesday, October 27, 2021

A Year Gone

 Today marks the first death anniversary of my beloved Tito Romy. I was there when he passed away and I will never forget his last few moments, the struggle he was facing and the moment he cried for one last time. Those images you just can't forget it. I miss Tito a lot. I still can't believe he is no longer with us and his last few months he was physically suffering because of his illness. He didn't deserve it. Hope you are at peace up there Tito, I will never forget you

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

Blocked

 The minor roadblocks in life these days give me a hard time inside. I feel like I should never be happy because there could be something in exchange for it. I need to be cautious, I need to guard my thoughts. The past few months were just so traumatizing that I can't shake this feeling of dread all the time. I'm always  worried and scared but I can't allow myself for anyone to know that. 

Monday, October 25, 2021

Wood Knock

 Got stressed today because I could feel her anxiousness. But in general at least it was still manageable and she seems to relax now. Whenever I'm facing this, I can't help but imagine the worst case scenario. I don't know why I do this to myself. I'm scared everyday and I distract myself everyday. But you can't escape it really. Oh Dear Lord please soothe our souls. 

Sunday, October 24, 2021

Divide / Conquer

 Since restrictions have loosened there are now recreational areas in NCR open to the public even kids and seniors. There's this controversial "beach" that is now swarmed by people. Quite scary looking actually. A potential super spreader event. It does bother minors are allowed there and yet schools are largely closed. Oh well, it's really hard to love the country and general public these days.  But I really need to fight feeling this way to the common Pinoy. We are all being manipulated one way or another. I watched this documentary earlier about the conflict of Greek Cypriots and Turkish Cypriots in Cyprus and one comment struck me and it came from an old woman who witnessed the conflict all her life and she said politics found a way to to instill hate toward each other to better control us. I can feel that more than ever. 

Saturday, October 23, 2021

Priorities

 Finished a work task that I was supposed to be done with yesterday but I had concentrating problems. It's due on Monday so I still had enough but I was hoping not to do any work stuff on a weekend! That's really a big challenge working from home, so many distractions at home to be honest. Usually I get things better at night when there are no more errands to do. Not complaining of course and I'm just glad I have work that allows me to do a hybrid office-home setup especially with what happened to my personal life this year, I really need to have a lot of time spent at home taking care of family needs. 


Friday, October 22, 2021

Pondering

 I made a choice although I'm not the prime decision maker but I made my voice heard and seems we're on the same page as well. To be honest, it's a scary choice but the thing is I'm trusting my gut. It also came with the sad acceptance of the inevitability. But not gonna think about it too much because it will drive me mad. But fear is engulfing me too. Lord please give us a sign it's the right choice.

Thursday, October 21, 2021

Check Up

Tatay renewed his driver's license today and a medical checkup was needed and for the first time since 2018 he finally consulted a doctor again! Thank God he is generally in good health and still fit to drive. Underlying issue is high blood pressure where doctor gave him new maintenance medicines. It's a relief and may God bless Tatay and let him have continue to have good health 

Wednesday, October 20, 2021

Safe Watch

Today media release from Cinema Exhibitors Association of the Philippines references a recent study in Germany which concluded cinemas are safer than almost any other indoor environment, as long as safety guidelines are followed like mask-wearing and proper air ventilation

Quoting the press release:

The same German research took into account the following factors in its conclusion:

1. People spend an average of only two hours at a cinema 

2. People inside the cinema simply sit down and face the same direction which is known to reduce transmission risks

3. People are not talking to each other during a movie, which minimizes possibility of infection


And the protocols that will be admitted that was patterned set by America’s National Association of Theatre Owners (NATO) and endorsed by epidemiologists. 

Monitoring of moviegoers’ body temperature as they enter the cinema

Moviegoers to present authentic vaccination card

Implement regulations set by the IATF and LGUs on facial coverings

No eating inside the cinema

Enforce socially-distanced seating

Encourage contact-less transaction in ticket-purchasing

 Improved air ventilation

Availability of hand sanitizers at the cinema entrance

 Mandatory hand-washing every 30 minutes for cinema employees

Deep cleaning between screenings

 

And as the president of the Cinema Exhibitors Association of the Philippines said

“We have devoted the past 19 months of cinema closure identifying solutions and precautions based on science.  We will implement these measures to confidently welcome back movie fans to cinemas and send them home safe.”

So yes I'm definitely in favor of the reopening of the theaters, give them a chance to prove they can do this safely! An estimated 300K lost their jobs due to the cinema closures so this would help them.

It was already announced that November 10 would be the reopening date followed by Warner Bros Philippines announcing Dune will be one of the movies opening that day.

Rooting for a safe return to the cinemas!. 




Tuesday, October 19, 2021

Not Quite

 I asked a person in the know and he said to me that like almost all cinemas are still not open despite being allowed  because well basically they have no manpower anymore. And still waiting if they can remain open for good. A lot of cinemas invested in safety protocols back in February in anticipation of a March reopening and we know what happened with that. It really crushed the hearts of many workers. Now a lot of them aiming for November reopening if things can go well but they remain skeptical and that they will be closed again. Hopefully this will work out smoothly soon enough, for people to get their jobs back and restore the way movies are best seen. Safely of course! I heard that local movie distributors are already preparing their titles! Hoping for the best really

Monday, October 18, 2021

Reel



Big thanks to my video editor James patiently searching all the hard drives on my vault to compile the title cards of the all of the programs we aired on TeleNovela Channel Philippines Our little channel's history in the decade of its existence! I'm a proud channel coordinator! :)
 

Sunday, October 17, 2021

Sent!

 Whew, that work task I procrastinated yesterday is finally done! I worked on it all day and finished just right now. But I didn't cram the work and I honestly said was very focused and didn't rush stuff. I was keen on the details because I don't want to mess this up as this could be a start for additional task that will honestly benefit me in the long run so hopefully my work will have good feedback so I can expect more to come!

Saturday, October 16, 2021

A Little Pressure

 I was supposed to do a work-related stuff today but I put it off because I just want to relax for the day but tomorrow I NEED to finish this task which is halfway done so hopefully I can pull it off.  I need to concentrate so I can do it well. It's not an easy task to be honest and I really should have worked on it today. I feel guilty but I've worked hard this week so I justify my procrastination that I need some time to do something that can relax me! Hopefully, it won't bite me in the end. Can't afford to mess this up

Friday, October 15, 2021

Curtains Up

 Cinemas are finally allowed again in Metro Manila starting tomorrow. Only fully vaccinate can enter with a limit of 30% capacity. That's reasonable. I haven't read any report anywhere in the world linking an outbreak in cinemas so I think the risk is not as high as people feared because I've read some violent reactions with this. I understand the concern but how about giving the industry a chance to prove they can open safely too? Too many jobs lost already and having this industry finally opening up again will be a small but good help to all those who lost their jobs due to the closure to get it back again. 

Thursday, October 14, 2021

Tantrum

 After a tiring commute because of rain and traffic, I got home facing stress. It's not a big issue but I had to deal with mood swings and really tested my patience. I almost lost it but was able to save a bigger problem in the end. It's so tough, I feel like giving up sometimes but I can't and won't do it. But I can't help feel this way each time I face a problem like this. Just tired and frustrated and sad and scared. 

Wednesday, October 13, 2021

Juggle

 Work from home today and it was quite hectic because our globe prepaid WIFI is having technical issues so the Internet is slow. Good thing we recently bought a Smart-PLDT prepaid WIFI too for backup so my nephew's online classes was not interrupted. I'm the one using the Globe WIFI and while it was spotty around lunch it eventually got better but still not as fast as it used to be. It has been an issue for 3 days now. I hope this is just temporary thing. Working at home ain't easy because in the middle I do house errands like buying meds and some stuff needed at home. Work load is quite hectic because I have another task on hand which I ain't complaining because it will be added income. Life is so hard so you really gonna make things work. Since we recently had retrenchment news too so I'm just thankful I'm not part of it. But still sad those who will leave in the coming weeks. There are just 7K reported cases today and hopefully start of the downward trend please

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Caught a vibe

 Checked out what the kids are listening to these days and Meet Me At Our Spot grabbed me instantly at first listen! Apparently this song was released early 2020 but this live performance went viral on TikTok (which has become the hit generator of this era) and now the record label is now promoting it as official single now. The lady Willow, is Will Smith's daughter and had a hit novelty song Whip Your Hair when she was a child. What a total turnaround! Her voice is so good for alternative/rock genre!




Monday, October 11, 2021

10!

 The Cable TV industry is facing a lot of challenges these days so for our little channel to last this long is a blessing! I was not part of the channel's team from day one but I'm the longest at 9 years! I've learned a lot overseeing the channel's operations over the years. Thank you to all people I've worked with: the production assistants, video editors, producers, engineers, OJTs, our clients, our bosses, the pay TV operators and of course the viewers! Happy 10th anniversary TeleNovela Channel. We are seen on Sky Cable Ch. 81, Cignal Ch. 126, SatLite Ch. 92, Cignal Play Premium and various local cable operators nationwide 🙂





Sunday, October 10, 2021

A little escape

 This afternoon I spent watching TV shows - Ghosts (US), The Other Two, The Conners, What We Do in the Shadows. All comedies because that's why I need right now. Light and easy to consume shows. I've also been watching documentaries on YouTube as of late Most if is about other countries, their issues and such. Maybe I just wanted an escape from this country's issues by finding out what's going in other countries. 

Saturday, October 09, 2021

Noise

 The political talk very heated now on social media and hence I'm avoiding it. I'm just not in the proper mindset to deal with the stress of political talk right now. I wish I was eloquent enough to speak my mind in a way I could convince or at least make people ponder on their choices. But I'm not. I'm meek. I can get discouraged easily in heated talks. This time is tougher too so many  aggressiveness and obnoxiousness, I can't deal with it, I get anxious and stress and I have enough stress in personal life to add that. But I'm definitely scared how social media can affect voting choices. 

Friday, October 08, 2021

Rock

So on the last day of filing of those who want to run for office, there was a last minute "stunt", someone you didn't expect to run for the top position did and it honestly felt like a mockery. He was even a mess when being interviewed. But I'm sure some people found it funny. A lot of us suspect that this is just temporary, a placeholder for a substitution. Another stunt. Same playbook from the last time. Oh goodness, please not the same result too.

Thursday, October 07, 2021

Pink

 Finally someone I like has made a decision to run for top position at next year's election. A quick scan of my social media and I see there's a lot of support but I won't be confident because the opponents are vicious and they are loud. I will be anxious until the results are in. I'm trying to manage my expectations but I really want a change to happen next year. I'm nervously hopeful. So tired of obnoxiousness and rampant anomalies center and front. Oh Dear Lord please guide the country to the right path. 

Wednesday, October 06, 2021

Clenched

 The filing of those who will run for the elections is making me so anxious! I'm just really scared those people will win again. You could feel how heavy their campaign on social media is, bot-like behavior now and of course they are clearly influencing the masses now. I overheard our van driver telling he would vote that person, I wish I was eloquent enough to speak out but I'm not. He is a very nice guy so you can't really judge their whole personality just because of this problematic politics. How many good-natured people could be influenced just like that? Oh Lord please enlighten the voting public, please.

Tuesday, October 05, 2021

Maybe next time..

 There's this buzz about this new Netflix Korean show Squid Game and isn't just here in Asia but around the world it has topped Netflix charts. Call it FOMO or what but naturally I got curious too but upon seeing the clips online, this show is not for me at this period of time. I sure get the thriller part of it but not too keen on watching a show about people experiencing so much misery. This isn't the escape I want right now. Life right now whether personal or national, there's just too much frustrations and fears that I just don't want feel or bad in my scripted media consumption for now. 

Monday, October 04, 2021

Frustrating

 Current news is so infuriating like this turn of events that a supposed whistleblower changed her story! But it's so predictable because she's now in the custody of their allies! I still can't believe that stuff like this that usually happens just on TV and movies are now happening in real life! I can't help but continue feeling hopeless 

Sunday, October 03, 2021

Inadequate

 Yeah, one of those nights that I'm falling into deep into my insecurities and frustrations. I lack a lot of eveything needed in life and all I do is just whine about it. I have nothing to offer. When challenging times like this happen, I feel so helpless. I can only do so much with so little. 

Saturday, October 02, 2021

Same Old

 So filing of candidacy started yesterday and all the usual stuff. Today there was even a stunt from someone saying he won't run, whatever! We already saw this same gimmick but of course there will be people who's gonna eat this up! Yes, I'm scared that there won't be a meaningful change next year. 

Friday, October 01, 2021

Shaky

 Found out that the company will lay off some people to cut costs. Oh well, times are truly hard and I really feel bad to those who will lose their jobs. This is the second time in my 12 years with the company that this happened. The last time though our company was saved from total bankruptcy when we scored a big client - ABS-CBN. While ABS is still our client but given their state as well, the projects we have with them are not as big as before. Yeah that's why I'll forever be mad to those who rooted for their franchise denial. There are rumors that we might move to a new office too although thankfully still in Ayala, Makati. I won't deny I feel worried. I hope we survive this soon enough. 

Thursday, September 30, 2021

Extended

 Today was supposed to be the last day of registration for new voters as well as those who moved to new places or re-active theirs after skipping an election. But the unexpected turnout of people plus the loss of days due to lockdown has led to its extension until next month. I'm pleasantly surprised with how many people were willing to line up as early as dawn just to get registered. I hope I'm not romanticizing it but I feel like there's this clamor to seek a change after all that we have been through. I'm still trying to manage my expectation as the past 6 years have taught me well that things could really get to worst than one can imagine but I'm clinging to this ray of hope that I'm seeing. Oh Dear Lord please a positive change happen next year

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

Trying

 It's really unsettling to see fear in her eyes. This time I have to be the grown up and I'm not sure if I have what it takes. I'm somehow in denial of everything. I know and accept what the deal is but I'm not mentioning it because it just makes things feel more real. See this blog post, I'm being vague because I can't type out the true words because it makes me feel so sad and scared. I'm such a coward but still trying my best to be brave. I don't want them to feel how scared I am.

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

Constant Worries

 Nanay is having trouble sleeping lately again and it is mostly due to anxiety. She is just worried about her health constantly and it pains me to see her this way. Physically she's in good condition but she's currently just staying in her room as advised by her doctor. Radio and TV keeps her entertained but that can only do much because she's just not used to doing nothing so I get her frustrations. It is hard balancing comforting her but also being strict as well because sometimes she does not want to take some of her meds or wants to eat something not good for her. It's been really hard to be honest but we're making it work. Oh Dear Lord please bless my mother and soothe her soul. 

Monday, September 27, 2021

Shaken

 There was an earthquake around 1AM today, it was quite scary and woke me up from my sleep. It lasted only a few seconds but it was so memorable. Probably the hardest earthquake shake I've ever felt in my life. Thank God nothing bad happened. A life shattering earthquake is something I will never want in life

Sunday, September 26, 2021

Alert

 I wish I could stop worrying. For now everything seems fine and that worries me because of what lies ahead. Too good to be true. I don't want to be too comfortable because I'm afraid of the possibility that I get caught off guard. I don't want to feel this way all the time but I need to be prepared nowadays. I hate living a life in fear of the worst case scenario 

Saturday, September 25, 2021

Crucial

Presidentiables are popping left and right but I'm worried that this will just pave the way for them to remain in power. I'm keeping myself from obsessing about it too much because it ain't healthy. I already have a lot of personal things to deal with so no need to add more to my anxieties. But still I can't help worry where things will go. I hope this won't be a losing battle, we need meaningful change next year. 

Friday, September 24, 2021

Cable

 Real life is quite stressful these days but I'm managing things as best as I can. I'm doing a lot of work stuff lately and it's helpful to take my mind off my anxieties. Majority of my work load right now is watching/previewing TV shows. Mexican, Chinese and Filipino! It's so helpful to make me not dwell on negative thoughts! Speaking of work, new shows on TeleNovela Channel have occupied a lot of my time lately! The channel will turn 10 this year! I've been a part of this project for 9 years, supervising for  6 years. It's quite a miracle we are still here especially with many cable channels closing lately. The team working on this channel's operations is small and we have limited resources. Multitasking is the norm. I'm proud though how we manage to keep this running as smooth as possible despite the limitations. Over the years, I've worked with around 15 video editors and many engineers (mostly just e-mail / text interactions though since they are on a remote site). Also loved meeting the provincial cable operators during conventions which won't be happening anytime soon. Although the last cable convention in 2019 was smaller in scale compared before. Now with Solar channels down to 2, FOX international channels and many more  gone if there will be another convention some day it will be so different. But the cable business has changed too. More are pivoting to providing Internet as top service with pay TV just a side offering and not the focus anymore. 

It was a busy day today so I was just in random work-related nostalgic mode. 

Thursday, September 23, 2021

Switch

 Nanay's blood sugar is now on a good level after skyrocketing last week but she does have mild anemia now which the doctors say is normal for a person who went through a major operation and blood transfusion. She prescribed vitamins. I've also learned Nanay's father, my grandfather who passed away way before I was born, also had anemia. Nanay got a little anxious although the doctor said not to. When she's anxious it's really a challenge to calm her down. Not gonna lie it really puts my patience to test. I have to be stricter with her too because sometimes she does not want to take her medicine. Back when I was a child she would reprimand me when I struggle drinking my medicines especially capsules and those syrup with awful taste. Things have changed now and sometimes I still feel uncomfortable in this position now. Says so much how I matured right. Anyway, my mother's health is my top concern now and please Lord keep her healthy. 

Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Results

 Tatay is fully vaccinated now with the hard to get Moderna! He was so happy that he got his Vaccination card laminated so he could wear it as an ID of some sort! It's a sigh of relief that he had added protection. Nanay's lab results are out too, I could understand one part of it which shows good development but of course I'm no medical expert so will have to wait for the doctor explanation tomorrow for her check up. Hoping all is good.

Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Worried/Relieved

Another test tomorrow and I'm really hoping and  praying for favorable results . I always get stressed but I never show it to avoid inciting panic but I struggle with this inner worries each time. Oh Lord please guide my Nanay.

Meanwhile, Tatay will get his second dose of the Moderna vaccine tomorrow too! I feel so happy that Tatay didn't have to wait a long time to get fully vaccinated especially since his vaccine is quite hard to get here. 

Monday, September 20, 2021

Losing It

 Stressed out once more as I deal with anxiety. Not just my own but loved ones as well. I feel like giving up sometimes but I can't. I won't . But it's really testing me to be honest, I feel like breaking down. I try to console myself that there are other worst case scenario to take things into perspective but during the moments like this when I face yet another stressful situation, it's so hard to handle. It's so hard to stay sane. But I can't break down. I just can't. I don't want to. 

Sunday, September 19, 2021

Sting

Quite a stressful day as I once again became the middleman of two conflicts. The root of the conflict is a very small thing but I don't know people seek drama or pride just gets in the way. This has been so repetitive so the best thing that I do is just not added fuel to the fire because I just want peace of mind. It's so tiring and it does not help my toothache has returned. Dealing with today has been such a hassle

Saturday, September 18, 2021

Blind

 My brother shared how he overheard some of his co-workers bashing the "opponents" of the current regime. They are believing everything he says even if is already blatantly obvious how shady the deals of the people connected to him. Despite everything that is happening their really is still a lot of people supporting him no matter what. I don't understand why. We just had over 23K cases today. Second highest of all time. I feel so hopeless

Friday, September 17, 2021

Dim

 Here at the office and done with today's work. I'm actually just killing time now because my carpool will arrive at 4:30 PM.  There are a few people left  and half of the office is dark with the lights turned off. A year and a half later and I still can't help but feel with this so-called new normal. I got used to how to work now in a pandemic but I still long for the "before" times. Friday is even quieter these days as seen in the streets of Ayala. A strike contrast pre-March 2020 where Fridays are so hectic! I miss it a lot now. When will this end? How will it look once the dust settles? So much certainty. 

Thursday, September 16, 2021

What I Want This Christmas

100 days before Christmas! Another holiday season in this pandemic. Managing my expectations but hoping for the best. Praying for stress-free Christmas. I hope Nanay's recovery will continue and all other health threats will be squashed. Same goes in general to my family, save us from a life threatening diseases That's truly what I want for this Christmas.

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

Good Doctor

 Nanay's checkout went well but some lab results for her diabetes management needs some work to get it back to the level three months go but the doctor was so reassuring and answered our every inquiry very well. That's the kind of doctor I really like and you could see how Nanay is comfortable with her too. That's really important. Glad Nanay decided to continue going to this clinic where her records are there and the clinic is so good. The doctor that handled her diabetes concerns at the hospital where she had her operation has a schedule that's way too packed that when we had her post-operation checkup we waited for nearly 3 hours for her to arrive and past 5PM too! Not ideal and honestly during the consultation I felt like she was rushing us off because of the queue of patients. Major red flag and her consultation fee is 700! In our regular clinic it's less than 400 pesos. It really was a no brainer and glad I didn't have to convince Nanay  because she made the decision herself.  Getting a good doctor is so essential and glad we found one that Nanay trusts and makes her feel safe. 

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Worries, Worries

Nanay's regular checkup for her diabetes tomorrow. I checked the lab results and while I'm no expert but since I've been accompanying her for over a year now I have some idea how it works and I think the results are something that we should be cautious about but of course will have to wait for the doctor's professional advice tomorrow. I'm preparing myself now though but hopefully my worst fears won't come to fruition. It's been a challenge monitoring Nanay's health these days. She does look okay and not frail but I do feel she's quite worried about her health. I hate to see Nanay in that state but still it could have been worst and she's still in better condition. Oh Lord please bless Nanay. Tatay too whose experiences arthritis too but he's quite active doing some household chores so that's good I guess. I'm 34 and it's normal stage of life now but I sometimes I still feel nervous and pressured about looking after my parents' health. It's been one heck of an emotional ride and still surviving the best way I can. 

Monday, September 13, 2021

No!

 Nanay had trouble sleeping last night and got so anxious. Tonight she's sleeping well. She will have some routine lab tests tomorrow. Hoping and praying for good results. I was glad one medical decision I really wanted to happen but she rejected initially will now happen as she changed her mind earlier. I do think it's for the best and Nanay realized that too. It's been a challenge handing her recovery but she's in good spirits and sometimes I forget her condition because everything feels normal these days. But sometimes negative stuff crosses my mind, imagining a bad scenario. It's so hard to feel this way but I'm trying my best to fight it off because right now there's no room for that kind of bad energy. No way. 

Sunday, September 12, 2021

A1

 My laptop keyboard is having issues with letter A and number 1. Sometimes they don't appear as instant as it should. It's making some of my work quite a hassle. Yeah I really need a new laptop but I can't afford right now. Things like this makes me frustrated. What to do but deal with it the best way I can. It's still function decently but days like this makes me wish I'm in a better financial state. 

Saturday, September 11, 2021

26, 303

 Record breaking COVID19 cases today in the Philippines! Meanwhile, admin is busy defending their shady deals in relation to the pandemic deals, attacking those who are scrutinizing their very very very questionable transactions. One official too was caught bad mouthing health workers for daring to demand what they deserve. We are truly living such horrible times. May pagbabago ba next year? Sana meron

Friday, September 10, 2021

Floating

 Went to the office today and definitely made the right call as I was so engrossed with work today that I didn't have time to linger on unhealthy thoughts. I definitely more focused when I'm at the office. More productive too. I can't work regularly at the office for a lot of reasons from financial to family matters to attend at the house and of course it still isn't safe with the never-ending nightmare of this virus. I don't really know when things can go back to how it used to be. Will it ever go back? I sure hope so. 

Thursday, September 09, 2021

Overwhelmed

I'm trying to stay positive despite all the negative stuff surrounding me. It's hard really to have a happy disposition when I have so many worries in life. Personal to National. Maybe even  the world. I don't know why I feel this way. Drowning with so much anxiety but I need to stay strong. Being patient is hard as well. But I keep reminding myself about worst situation. I'm torn of whether to seek for personal happiness as well, I just can't right now. 

Wednesday, September 08, 2021

Necessary Distraction

 Typhoon hit parts of the country today. I was supposed to go to the office but didn't push through thankfully as commuting would have been extra hard. I'm a bit swamped at work due to an additional task but honestly I don't mind because it keeps me busy to not dwell with the frustrating news each day/ Things are so much worst right now that's really driving me mad. I'm so tired of feeling this way. God please help this country. 

Tuesday, September 07, 2021

Messy

 So after a backlash and a lot of concerns, Metro Manila won't go back to GCQ tomorrow. What a mess. Good thing I was so preoccupied at work today so I didn't have the time to bury myself deep into the ever confusing pandemic management. I'm really scared where we really are heading. So disorganized. 

Monday, September 06, 2021

Face palm

Over 22,400 cases today. All time high yet restrictions will loosen up in Metro Manila and then flights coming to the country will be more open than ever. I don't know that plan anymore. Is there a plan really? My brother told me a Facebook post of a college classmate where he is ranting about the VP, yeah of all the issues in this country, it's the VP she's ranting about because according to him all she does is to be a contrarian. . That person is an OFW by the way. He's not here experiencing the hell we are going through. This kind of thinking just makes me more nervous for next year's elections. God help us

Sunday, September 05, 2021

34

 34 today. My birthday wishes are:

1. Good health for my family especially Nanay who is recovering from her operation last month 

2. This pandemic finally ends. 

3. Meaningful and sensible change for 2022.  


Saturday, September 04, 2021

On Hold

Nanay is doing good so far recovering from her operation but we still need to get clearance from the doctor on what to do next. So we are still waiting but I'm hopeful that everything will be fine soon. But not gonna lie from time to time scary thoughts cross my mind but please Lord don't let my fears happen. 

Friday, September 03, 2021

20K

 Over 20K covid cases today, 2nd highest of all time. And you could feel how fast it is spreading now. I've known so many people who have caught it recently. Thankfully a lot of them vaccinated so it didn't get worst and mostly mild cases. But damn this is so scary. When will this end? I'm so tired of this feeling. 

Thursday, September 02, 2021

Fighting Hopelessness

May 2022 scares me. They are just too powerful that they can still win or find ways to stay in power. Even with all the blatant faults and issues, they are unwavering and they still have support. They have mastered how to control everything that benefits them. I'm so scared of them staying in power but one thing I can't afford it to lose hope that we can still have meaningful change. They can't take that away from us. I feel so much despair but I can't let it affect how I view things in the future. Please I hope I'm not wrong.

Wednesday, September 01, 2021

VaxMas

 Received my second dose of the vaccine today and hopefully COVID and its Delta variant backs off! At the vaccination site earlier they were playing Christmas song. Yeah the ber months have started but it's an even harder sell than last year. It's gonna be hard to have the holiday spirit. The pandemic, the political situation dampens everything. But really as long as my family especially my parents are in good health status, I'll be so happy. Please Lord bless my family and guide my parents most especially

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Adjustment

 I received some good news - salary increase! I had been in talks about this for months with the bosses and hit a couple of snags  and today I finally signed the document making it official. I felt crying earlier. My salary still pales in comparison with people working for a BPO  I admit but nevertheless I'm happy and satisfied. It's  something hard to ask in these challenging times so the fact I was still able to get one is such good news. I especially need it more than ever with the concerns at home. Thank you to the company so much and I will definitely work harder than ever. Thank you Lord for the blessing.

Monday, August 30, 2021

22K

Over 22K cases today. It was inevitable but nonetheless frustrating. Where are we going? Will we even have a HAPPY holiday season? I feel so sad and hopeless. How can we get out of this? Will enough people wake up? I want change so bad.




Sunday, August 29, 2021

Desalmada

So glad to finish this side project ahead of deadline. Hoping it works out and that I get to do more so I can  earn more. The balancing act will be a challenge but I'm at this point of my life where I'm so determined to make things work. I hope this will be a start of something that can lead me to good things. I also hope the support I have gotten to do this continues, I'm really careful not to break their trust and mess any tasks that could lead to them questioning their decision. I hope this pays off. I deserve it.

Saturday, August 28, 2021

Side

 I was busy doing something I had to go some process and get permission first because I don't want to get in trouble. I want things are cleared before I go to do this. I could have this done long ago in secret or downlow but I won't be comfortable at all. Honestly, if I didn't have to do the right process, I could have more money by now but yeah I'm not that kind of person (maybe to a fault sometimes). But I'm proud I still stuck to my principles no matter what and hopefully I gain something from this in the long run. It's hard to believe that doing the right process can you take to a road to success given how a lot of people do otherwise in the guise of diskarte. I'm quite jaded lately but I still hang on to whatever idealism I still have left. I have to. I need to,

Friday, August 27, 2021

Short

 So my father asked help from a neighbor who supposedly has connections with a politician for financial assistance for my mother's medical condition. The neighbor was helpful but I think he raised my father's hopes way too much that he will get immediate financial help which wasn't the case and we will still have to wait for awhile. My father was so disappointed and he rants about it everyday this week. It's quite tiresome because it has become repetitive and he just can't let it go. He gets irritated about other unrelated things too because of that. It tested my patience but I need to be the bigger person. It's a shame we have come to this, practically begging. I wish I had enough money that finances won't be a worry for Nanay's future treatments. It truly sucks. I avoid thinking about the future and I just value things one day at a time 

Thursday, August 26, 2021

Occupied

Busy all day attending to family errands like going to the market, buying food, paying my nephew's tuition and at the same time doing some work from home stuff. It's hard to balance things out to be honest but I need to do what I have to do. Aside from that, I still do the usual dealing with other people's moods. It's a challenge really. But you gotta count the good things especially in these trying times. The pandemic, the scary prospect of the election results next year and of course facing a health crisis of a loved one. I need to stay busy so I won't go insane worrying endlessly. 

Wednesday, August 25, 2021

Moderna!


Tatay is finally vaccinated! He received Moderna which is even more amazing! The vaccination process here is so slow and still not open outside Senior Citizens so glad Tatay finally got one. I'm envious too because he got the brand I want too! Glad he got this dose which is at least one less thing to worry about.

 

Tuesday, August 24, 2021

Sick

 So the current president wants to run for vice president next elections. He is moving things like it is local politics where the political clans just exchanges positions and abuse the loopholes. While we saw this coming, the fact that this is confirmed now it just making me feel so bad. In normal times, this should not be allowed or that he should not win at all but different times. The blatant manipulation and power play is sickening. I feel so hopeless yet again. 

Monday, August 23, 2021

Bad Energy

 Another day when patience is tested. We already facing a major and the last thing is bad energy. I feared that this would happen because this behavior is so predictable. Yes it came out of love and concern but this is going overboard. It is becoming so embarrassing. Please dignity. 

Sunday, August 22, 2021

Need

 So today was a test of patience and I almost broke down. But good thing I managed to stay on course, on what should be done. I had mini meltdowns to myself but I need to constantly remind myself when things could get worse. The stress led me to think about some hurtful thoughts which thankfully I kept to myself,, I would so regret if I said it out loud. Lord, please guide me, please give me strength. 

Saturday, August 21, 2021

Keep Hope Alive

 Nanay had her follow up check earlier and things went fine. The doctor is really nice and accommodating. He makes Nanay feel relaxed so that's a good thing. She was allowed to do some simple things like taking a bath. Nanay is strong so nice to see. We still have to wait for the next step and the doctor will just inform when is the next checkup. Oh dear Lord please let this be the start of a good path to full recovery. 

Friday, August 20, 2021

17K

 Today's COVID19 cases hit an all time high of 17, 231 cases. So scary So frustrating. So maddening. It's been two weeks since Tatay inquired to get vaccinated and they told him to just come back to see if a first dose is already available again. Nothing!. That's why I get annoyed with "magpabakuna na kayo!' and proposals of separating vaccinated people in some services. Fix the supply distribution first! Sure there's antivaxxers but how about focusing on those millions who are still waiting to get vaccinated first? I don't know when and how will this end. It's just making me feel so hopeless. 

Thursday, August 19, 2021

Hotspot

 We had an electric fan fixed and when my brother claimed it earlier, the repairman after finding out where we lived remarked that our subdivision has a lot of positive cases lately. We knew there were cases and some on our street as well but I didn't realize it was that many. The barangay Facebook does not do the daily covid cases updates anymore and frankly I stopped monitoring long ago too. But I did see an update where there was a disinfection drive here last weekend. If this happened last year, we would definitely be on hard lockdown and just imagine my mother won't be able to come home just yet.

I don't know what to feel. Should I be thankful? But the cases are alarming. I'm getting paranoid to be honest. 

Wednesday, August 18, 2021

When?

Because of Nanay's situation, I've been trying to avoid the news about the rising cases of the delta variant because it just makes me even more anxious. But you can't get away it and you have to learn what's going on. It's alarming, It's scary. It's exhausting. When will this end?

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

Sir Jun

 Sad to learn that former ABS-CBN/CNN Philippines newsman Jun Del Rosario passed away. He was my college professor and I've always enjoyed his classes where he basically just shares his experiences. He was also such a nice man and so accommodating. I was able to interview Henry Omaga Diaz back in college because of him. I remember the ABS-CBN guard was so strict and he wouldn't allow us but one call from sir Jun and we were let in that easily. To be honest, he is not really academic type and his classes tend to go all over the place but I LOVE when he shares his experiences as a broadcast journalist. I learned a lot with his insights. He has also has this warm presence. 

It was a privilege to know you sir! Rest in Peace.

Monday, August 16, 2021

13

 My nephew turned 13 today! Our little boy is now officially a teenager! An angsty teenager at that! But he has a sense of maturity especially how he handled Nanay's situation. My nephew is a brave one. It sucks he is entering his teenage years in a pandemic and not interacting with kids his own age in person. He has a circle of online friends on Roblox which makes him happy and I definitely can relate to that as I have formed friendships online via forums, some even lasting more than a decade too! My birthday wish for my nephew is good health as always and that he can go back safely in face to face school at least first quarter of 2022 at least!

Sunday, August 15, 2021

Hopeful

A full day of Nanay back at home and I'm really happy to see her recovering well. She just stays in the room as instructed by the doctor. So far she's handling things good. I was in a bad spot when I learned about the condition but seeing my mother's disposition is making me feel stronger and hopeful that she will beat this battle and come out victorious. 

Saturday, August 14, 2021

Home!



After 3 weeks at the hospital, Nanay is finally home! She's so happy to finally be here and has positive attitude toward her recovery. Than you Lord! Please continue guiding my mother

 

Friday, August 13, 2021

Battle

 In the biggest challenge of my life, I feel like I'm losing. I'm managing to be tough and brave when talking to Nanay and my family but inside I'm losing it. I'm thinking a lot of negative scenarios. I'm just worried and so scared. To be honest, my faith is in crisis too. I just can't understand WHY. I hate feeling that. I hate questioning that. I'm shaken by everything that's happening. Lord please heal my Mother, I'm begging you. 

Thursday, August 12, 2021

Fear

 I still can't accept Nanay has cancer. While I did research that the chances of beating this is high, I'm still scared. I'm worried for Nanay's mental health. I'm sure she's so scared right now. The same with Tatay. He lost 3 brothers the past 2 years and now his wife's health is in jeopardy. I'm so scared as well but I need to be brave for them even if I'm dying inside. I just talked to Nanay awhile ago and her voice is weak, granted she's in medication and still recovering from surgery but still I can't help but think that we are starting to lose her. NO! I want to stop thinking like this but I can't help it. Oh God please don't let it happen. 

Wednesday, August 11, 2021

Three

 My mother's breast removal surgery has just been finished and it was successful thank God. However, it was confirmed that she has cancer. Stage 3 breast cancer. She will have to go chemotherapy. I'm feeling a of emotions right now but what's important is for Nanay to survive. Please Lord guide and bless my mother. 

Tuesday, August 10, 2021

Mastectomy

 Nanay is scheduled for operation tomorrow. Talked to her a few minutes ago and she's more than ready. . My sister told me that at least it didn't reach her armpit which would make the surgery more complicated. I feel my father is nervous too so I need to boost his confidence tomorrow because it is a major operation so it will take longer than her biopsy and Tatay was so worried at that. After the operation, Nanay will have 3-4 days to recover and that will give us time to settle bills too. But I'm not gonna think deep about it for now and just focus on Nanay's operation tomorrow. Praying that everything will run smoothly and complication free

Monday, August 09, 2021

Pleas

 My sister told me that Nanay's biopsy results could finally be released tomorrow. Still not definitive but chances are good. To be honest, I'm quite nervous what the results will be but we need to know soon enough so we can proceed to the next procedure which is the operation. If she gets the results tomorrow, she could be scheduled for operation on Wednesday. I hope things will turn out fine. Please Dear Lord, listen to our pleas.

Sunday, August 08, 2021

Protect

 My sister said Nanay's biopsy results could come out on Tuesday and operation the next or Thursday. Praying hard for favorable results. Also praying Tatay will finally get his first dose of the vaccine tomorrow too. Last week he planned to do so but no first dose was available. The rising cases of the delta variant is really worrisome, please protect my family particularly my parents dear Lord.

Saturday, August 07, 2021

1-2-1

 Tokyo Olympics almost over and my country had its best Olympics performance ever with 4 medals (1-2-1) winning the Gold for the first time ever! Came close for a 5th medal at Men's Gymnastics landing 4th and in the top 10 for women's skateboarding and women's golf plus first pole vaulter to make it to the finals. I've followed the Olympics when I was 9 in 1996 when we won a silver in boxing but succeeding Olympics ZERO until 2016 with a surprise silver win in women's weightlifting who eventually gave our first gold this year! We won 3 more medals in boxing which were all so fun to watch. It was just so fun to follow this year because we are so used to losing lol. I hope this isn't just a fluke year and we could do as good if not better in 2024

Dealing withmy nanay's health issue plus with the rising COVID cases here again, my anxiety was on another level but the Olympics gave me a temporary reprieve.

Friday, August 06, 2021

Another Day 1

 First day of another ECQ and we basically stayed at home. Nanay was able to talk to Tatay via video chat this time around and they were quite happy about it. Still another day with no biopsy results but hopefully this is worth the wait. Favorable results please!!! Worked from home today and very glad I have a video editor who is so efficient. I can go to office actually but maybe just once a week, I'll observe first how this system work. I don't want so much hassle or stress from checkpoints and all. Day 1s are always messy. There are over 10K cases again today. What's worse pandemic never stops politicking. I'm afraid of next year's election. Please Lord, free the Philippines from this chaos. Let more people please see the light. I'm so worried and sick of everything that's happening. 

Thursday, August 05, 2021

ECQ Eve

 Eve of the return of ECQ in Metro Manila while the status here in Cavite remains in question as there are talks that pushes to be move from GCQ to ECQ. I really hope not because it will add more difficulty especially as my mother is still in the hospital. It's been 2 weeks and Nanay is still in the hospital waiting for the biopsy results before she can proceed to the operation. Good thing is she is in good condition but the waiting for the results is a challenge. She could actually be discharged and come back when the biopsy results are out and to prepare for the operation but that means she'll have to take the COVID19 test again and room availability could be an issue. So we decided to just wait it out at the hospital for her safety especially with the delta threat. But the bills.... We are still managing the best way we can (thanks to those who helped around!) as Nanay's health is the priority. Tough but we are hopeful.

Wednesday, August 04, 2021

First Dose

 Finally had my first dose of the vaccine. It's not the brand that I prefer but it's hard to get vaccinated here. It took 2 months from registering to getting scheduled so whatever was available I took it. And to be honest, I really want to have a vaccination card since sooner or later it will really become essential on how things will operate here. The upcoming ECQ season 3 feels like it's gonna be messy so I decided to work from home tomorrow as it is the last day before ECQ in Metro Manila so I think it will be extra stressful going home. That's why I needed to have that vaccination card just in case it will be needed to move around and do stuff. 

Continuing to worry for Nanay's health in the middle of all this pandemix anxiety is really driving me insane. 

Tuesday, August 03, 2021

Please Please Please

 I received financial assistance from the office for my Nanay's hospitalization. Truly grateful for the company as it is a big help too as expenses pile up every day as we wait for her biopsy results and hence the operation schedule. It's hard to think about Nanay's health at the same time the expenses. My father was also busy trying to ask for financial help too and I really feel so bad that he has to do that because none of us 4 kids earned strong enough that this stuff should have not been a problem as we just prioritize Nanay's health and not worry about finances, worried about savings getting wiped out because of a medical emergency. This is truly one of my heartbreaks in this crisis we are experiencing. But anyway as long as Nanay will be safe and healthy in the end, nothing else matters. So please Lord listen to our prayers

Monday, August 02, 2021

Scheduled

 A few minutes ago I finally received the text message from Makati where I work that I finally have my schedule of vaccination on Wednesday 11AM at Makati Coliseum. Most likely I will get Sinovac which I won't like not my preferred brand but at this point I'll take what I can get because I just want to be vaccinated at this point especially with the Delta variant spreading like wildfire. 

Sunday, August 01, 2021

Waiting Continues

 Nanay will have blood transfusion tomorrow while we're still waiting for the biopsy results. Hopefully, we get it next week and the schedule for operation too. Waiting is hard but we need to be patient. Today I went to the market and grocery. It's quite touching when the vendors ask where Nanay is especially Ate Aida, her suki for tilapia. She was so concerned. I hope Nanay will get home soon enough.

Saturday, July 31, 2021

In Charge

 No results for Nanay's biopsy yet but I'm avoiding thinking about it lately to avoid getting stressed about it lately as to not affect Nanay and the rest of my family's mood as well. I went to Nanay earlier to give Tatay's monthly pension and may house contribution from my salary because Nanay is still in charge of managing the house expenses and not allowing her to do it will dampen her mood and that's what we are avoiding for her to feel too. She instructed me earlier about the grocery and the market purchases. Good thing I was basically her assistant since the pandemic began so I'm familiar with her suki and product preferences. Plus I know how to budget the money as well too

But still I hope we can do the grocery and weekly market visits soon enough.

Dear Lord please heal my mother as soon as possible.

Friday, July 30, 2021

Again

 ECQ is back next week in Metro Manila due to rising Delta variant of COVID19. It will be from Aug 6 to Aug 20. At least there's a week notice this time so I can prepare for work related stuff. But not gonna lie this new round of ECQ is already stressing me out. Thankfully, here in Cavite it will still be GCQ so visiting Nanay at the hospital won't be as complicated if it was ECQ.

Everything happening is just overwhelming. 

Thursday, July 29, 2021

Coin

 It's been a week since we had the biggest scare of our lives. Nanay is doing fine at the hospital, preparing for her operation. We are still worried but we are getting by, hopeful that everything will be fine in the end. Thank you again to all who reached out and helped out. You all been a big help, not just financially speaking but also a morale booster as well. Kindness and compassion goes a long way.

***

I was at the bank earlier because I had to replace my payroll ATM card because for some reason any machine is rejecting saying invalid transaction and yet it is accepted when I use it as debit card (like in the hospital where my mother is confined) which was causing unnecessary stress at this time. Anyway, when I left the bank a little girl approached calling me "Sir" and asking for spare change.  I got emotional because the girl does not look like a typical street kid. She was dressed fine, clean and had a little sling bag. I dunno I felt like maybe this isn't really something she usually does and maybe she was forced to do it out of desperation and maybe there's a family emergency. I gave her a 5 peso coin and she was very thankful.  Maybe it's a hunch or maybe I'm just sensitive lately because of this current ordeal but I felt like I saw myself on that little girl. Doing something you don't normally do because of your family. I really hope the girl is in good hands. 

Wednesday, July 28, 2021

One Thing Over

 Nanay's biopsy was done late afternoon today and she was in recovery room for a couple of hours. I got a little stressed because Tatay was so anxious and worried. I'm sure he was thinking of the worst. When my sister finally texted that Nanay is already out of the recovery room and is now in her regular room, he was visibly relieved. They were able to talk awhile ago. Tatay is in a better mood now.

Next step is now we wait for the findings of the biopsy which will take a few days. Oh Dear Lord please guide my mother. It's gonna be a long wait but we need to be as calm as possible.

Tuesday, July 27, 2021

Next Step

 Nanay is scheduled for biopsy tomorrow. Praying for the least worrisome outcome. She'll stay there until the schedule of her operation because if she gets discharged and goes home, she'll have to get another swab test for COVID19 and the other pulmonary clearances and financially it will cost us more plus the health risk as well. We are preparing financially now, using savings and also asking for help. It really depresses me we are not in better financial state to not worry about this. But right now it's all about Nanay's recovery. Please Lord, guide my mother. 

Monday, July 26, 2021

GOLD

 The Philippines finally won a GOLD medal courtesy of weightlifter Hidilyn Diaz! I got emotional when it was finally official! What made Hidilyn's victory even more emotional is that she did against odds such as lack of funding and got red tagged by the government and was attacked by their troll army on social media wishing for her to lose. Also today is the last state of the nation address of our president which is torturous per usual but Hidilyn winning that elusive GOLD the same day, she stole the headlines rightfully so!

It was such a good personal mood booster to me too because while my mother is in good and stable condition, she will still have procedures on the horizon that's making me anxious but gotta stay strong for her and my family. This GOLD triumph at least gave me a pause of stressing things out 

Sunday, July 25, 2021

1/3

It was  sight of relief when the COVID19 test result came out for Nanay and it was negative. It is mandatory to every patient who will be confined to have it and it was stressing us all out so surviving that at least gives us one less thing to worry about. Since she was no longer a PUI, she was moved to a room where visitors (one at a time) are allowed and I was able to visit. I was happy to see Nanay in good spirit and she looks better too. Still, we still have to wait some more test results for the next procedure of her condition. Praying hard for favorable result or the one that less worrying. I also settled some of the hospital bills today and 1/3 of  what I paid that came from people who helped me when they saw my tweet asking for help. It's such a big help to me and something I will never forget for the rest of my life. Deep inside I still feel ashamed that I had to resort to do that because it is a reflection of the kind of life I have but no regrets because I did this for my family. Although no one in my family knows I did this that's why I only did this on twitter and not on FB where they will know. I will never forget the generosity, compassion and kindness those people have shown to me. I promise that once our situation is better, I will find ways to give back or pay it forward.

Saturday, July 24, 2021

The Long Wait

 I was quite embarrassed with what I did yesterday by asking for financial help here and on twitter but I just felt desperate, my mind is swarmed with so many thoughts, possibilities, problems. Nevertheless, I'm extremely grateful to those who were generous to share what they can, I even got help from total strangers. One day I will find a way to give it back and pay it forward as well. I will never those who didn't think and helped right away. Currently, we are waiting test results and I'm going mad waiting but when I talk to Nanay on the phone, I'm composed and positive because she's not showing any signs of fear and even still did her Nanay duties and remind us on what to cook, the laundry and stuff. Oh Dear Lord please heal my mother, please don't let the bad scenario happen. I'm begging you God please

Friday, July 23, 2021

Help

My mother was rushed to the hospital due to bleeding in her breasts. She will likely be operated. I never thought one day I would do this but tough times. If you can help us financially, please send it on my GCash 09154528448. Thank you and pls help pray for my mother too.

Thursday, July 22, 2021

Pain

 Nanay is rushed to the hospital because one of her breast is bleeding. My siblings are with her right now and I'm here with Tatay and my nephew awaiting news. There's so much in my mind right now. Is it my karma for being irritated at her earlier? Why Lord? I did nothing but take care of her despite my frustrations, her healthy is always a top priority. Am I being punished for complaining about some of my grievances which in hindsight feels so small with what we are facing right now?  Oh Dear Lord please protect my mother, Please....



Wednesday, July 21, 2021

Comfy

Raining all day and there's a typhoon. I made sure to finish work tasks at the office today so I can just work from home tomorrow because it does not seem like the rain will stop tomorrow. The weather is so cold that I drank paracetamol because I felt cold and have some body aches, you know signs of flu but no coughs and colds so all good. You can't have flu at this moment of time really. And now I'm sleepy because of the medicine and the cold weather is so inviting to just stay comfy in bed. I do hope this won't be a disruptive typhoon.

Tuesday, July 20, 2021

Alarming

 It was raining all day and the tonight the weather is cold. I feel so sleepy but I'm still waiting for some work related thing. I hope it doesn't rain hard tomorrow so my commute to work won't be a hassle. I'm thinking of working from home tomorrow but I do have an urgent task I need to take care off early because delta variant cases are rising and I'm afraid another stricter quarantine is on the horizon and may affect my work. This endless cycle is so frustrating, non-stop worries. 

Monday, July 19, 2021

Delta

So the cases of Delta variant of COVID19 infections are rising all over the world. Alarming and exhausting. I do hope the countries with strong vaccination rates (of reputable brands) will see lower cases of  hospitalizations and more importantly death just to show how vaccination is important and the key to ending this nightmare. I'm still unscheduled for vaccination while I'm seeing a lot of people I know ,including my brother, got their second shot. I feel envious but I'm willing to wait of course and hopefully when the times I will get a vaccine brand I prefer where I feel safer. For now, all we could is not let guard down and continue to be cautious. But I admit I'm tired of this already but I've accepted the end is so far. 

Sunday, July 18, 2021

Sneaky Introspection

 So I wanted something light, basic and familiar to watch to drown these sad feelings I've been feeling lately and I watched the 1996 romcom The Mirror Has Two Faces. The movie just came into my radar lately because of a day I went through Oscar trivia about Original Song nominees (this is the movie where FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE came from). Anyway, it's a New York based romcom and I'm sucker for this. It was also nice to see younger Barbra Streisand and Jeff Bridges do romcom. The movie had the centerpiece of being in a relationship (getting married) because of a personal connection beneath the sexual passion and how sex ruins romantic relationships. It's quite ridiculous on paper but how it actually played out to the story made some quite sense in a way and touches on inner insecurities and longing people do. Of course, it did end up the way you would expect a romcom would do and of course this is what I wanted when I wanted this movie. It made me feel good! Although there was scene with Barbra's character talking to her mother played by Lauren Bacall where the mother said about in hindsight at her age she felt bad when she realized she settled and maybe she could have done something more. She thought she had more time but now she's old and yet inside her she doesn't feel it. Oh yeah that was a gut punch. Funny how I wanted a distraction yet I still ended up making me think about stuff bothering my life lately!

Saturday, July 17, 2021

Stare

 During a time like this where I have so much internal struggles, I often stare at nothing and daydream. I don't know if this is healthy or not but it is soothing sometimes to dream if my life went another way. Perhaps I'm romanticizing the what ifs of my life because I'm just at a low point. I don't share to anyone what I truly feel, I have a wall where I don't let anyone take a peek. Based on past experiences and observations in general, when you open a part of your life it really does not lead to anything that makes one feel better, It just reopens wounds. Or worst people just don't get where you are coming and in the end tables are turned against you. So why bother right now? To be honest, if only I could afford one I may have consulted a therapist to help me process my life. Back in college, I loved talking to the guidance counselor just to open up and unload. I wish I had that one now in my adult life. But everything has a cost and that's why I don't have anyway. It's the source of my struggles in fact. All I can do right now deal it with myself and hope for the best. Crying helps too even if I do it quietly and late at night where no one can notice which is what I am right now. I console myself by thinking have it worst. I need to take everything into perspective so I won't stir drama or mess up even more. Of course this blog helps too. This is my emotional band-aid. 


Friday, July 16, 2021

2 Weeks

So I was approached about this concern I have and at least I didn't have to make the first move again. Just as I suspected, it got lost and was forgotten but it will be given to me. I just have to wait yet again. Here we go again but at least there's progress now but I still continue to struggle. Such a difficult time and I can't unleash what I'm truly feeling as I'm afraid to get more problems or find things to get more stressed about. I'm having a hard time. That's pretty much it. 

Thursday, July 15, 2021

Another One

And once again what I was hoping to get today didn't happen. I'm so tired. In typical fashion, I'm having apprehensions on what I should do next. How can I fight for myself? My emotions are high so I don't want it to overwhelm because I need to be as calm as possible. But what if because of this mindset I have to be careful with what I say, careful to not rock the boat, is what it is really hurting me all my life. The reason why I often lose in life. Turning 34 in 2 months, a full pledged adult yet I feel like I'm not one. I'm so sad right now. 

Wednesday, July 14, 2021

Crossed Fingers

 Tomorrow let's see if I will finally get what I deserve or will it be conveniently forgotten again. I hope if the latter happens yet again I will be courageous enough to be assertive. I've been struggling the past 2 weeks but maybe this is what I needed to feel to push myself and fight for what is due to me because I badly need. Please let me brave tomorrow in case the worst happens yet again. But it will be better if I just get it with no more stress and hassle. 

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

No Please

 So a recent survey came out for next year's elections and yeah not liking it. But I guess it's a consolation that the lead is not so wide so anything can happen in less than a year. Oh please something better good happen. I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of everything and I want to look forward to something better, someone new, someone I can find hope for. I'm so worried.

Monday, July 12, 2021

#PEx22

 I was not there when PEx started, I was just 12 and had no Internet access! But I learned about it because they had a radio show Speak Easy hosted by  Mister Dean. Joined in 2004, became a moderator in 2010. PEx will always be a home to me no matter what. I made a lot of real life friends here from this platform. Happy 22 years and MORE years to come!




Sunday, July 11, 2021

Hanging and Floating.

Struggling lately with expenses. I'm not in debt or anything but so many responsibilities that I haven't been able to add money on my savings account for the past 2 months and it's really making me sad. But I'm surviving day by day.. I'm just afraid I'm not investing enough for my future though. So please Lord keep me and my family safe especially health concerns. 

That's why I need to keep my mind preoccupied as much as possible so I won't be alone with thoughts. I don't want to ponder so much anymore. I need to stop whining. 

Saturday, July 10, 2021

Rotura

 I was planning to do something productive today but changed my mind! After running errands in the morning, I did nothing useful but listen to Spotify and fall into the YouTube rabbit hole. However, my idle time was partly connected to my work in a way I was adding songs on the TeleNovela Channel Spotify playlist and watched "entradas" of various telenovelas for nostalgia purposes and also checking out the others. I don't know why I subjected myself to this today but it was kind of fun. I've been doing this job which mostly exposed me to Mexican soaps and it's part of my system now! 

Friday, July 09, 2021

Chin Up

 Just finished doing a bunch of work a while ago! There were a lot of circumstances that tested my patience today but I carried with the goal of finishing everything I needed to do! No time to slack! It was good though because being preoccupied like this is quite good for my well-being. I do hope all this hard work will pay off soon enough. I'm so used to underselling myself but what I did this past few days I'm quite proud of and I really hope I get my due. I deserve it.

Thursday, July 08, 2021

Pumped

Hectic day at work today because I had to help out with a co-worker's task who is on leave. I think she's preparing for her wedding and she actually invited me but I had to decline attending because well it's in Bulacan so travel will be hard especially in a pandemic. She understood it and I think she invited me out of courtesy which is nice of her. Anyway, back to today's job! I didn't mind helping out but it was quite a challenge managing time as I juggle various tasks! It didn't help me I had technical issues with the other task that I was helping out! But things got resolved before the end of my working day. I just finished some tasks too! I decided to do it tonight at home even if I can do it tomorrow but I have this work adrenaline right now so I continued. Hopefully tomorrow will be a less tight because of doing this advanced work earlier. Despite the little stress I had today, it felt good to be this productive. I have no time in my mind to dwell on my anxieties.  

Wednesday, July 07, 2021

RIP Nang Carla

 A neighbor who were closed to my siblings when they were teenagers passed away yesterday. She has been struggling with her illnesses for a long time already but she fought on. I still remember her pre-pandemic attending masses weekly in the chapel inside our subdivision. She was a subdivision and church leader so she was quite a prominent figure here in our place. She will be missed. Rest in Peace 'Nang Carla. God bless your soul.

Tuesday, July 06, 2021

Short End of the Stick

 While I did try to manage my expectations, I still can't help but feel disappointed when I didn't get what I was hoping to receive today. But what else is new? I always lose out. Maybe there are other days but I dunno maybe it won't happen anymore. I should be used to losing out at this point but I never learn and I always get my hopes up that maybe things would be in my favor for once but nope it rarely happens. 

Monday, July 05, 2021

Snippets 14

 So I received a text earlier which hopefully finally lead to the confirmation of something I've been wanting to have for the past 4 months. I should have followed it up more but I'm so apprehensive because  I don't know what the right approach is and I'm just shy sometimes even if I deserve this one. Hopefully, it will finally happen. 

***

Tatay is finally interested in getting vaccinated. Seeing our neighbors his age getting one helped a lot to convince him. We almost did it earlier but the line was so long and there's a lot of people so not yet because we are avoiding crowds. But at least he is decided to get one once the next schedule is up. Nanay I think is getting close to getting one. I don't want to be pesky because I want them to decide on their own because if we insisted, they will just push back.

***

ABS-CBN lost a top talent last week and it really made me sad because it is a testament of how much they have lost. It will be a year since the congress denied their franchise application. It still sucks a year later. I don;t know when they will ever get it back. I wish they do soon enough