Return

I went back to the office today after 3 months of working from home. It was quite calming to just focus on the tasks that I can't do working remotely. It actually felt like a break from the anxiety of the current situation we are in. My mind was too occupied for me to get fixated over my anxieties.

Tomorrow also marks my 11th year with 20 Plus and I'm truly grateful to the company especially this year more than ever. I'm just happy and relieved to have a job to return to.

Inching Closer

Watched the first new episode of Ang Probinsyano to see how they pulled off shooting with "new normal" protocols. Most scenes are indoors (house or some room) The senior citizen and kid characters are gone (they are in the room one character explained). Each sequence only involves few people on screen, usually just three. Lots of phone calls. Social distancing is visibly seen. Oh wait one senior citizen character appeared briefly but he is in bed and alone with the lines in his mind only. There was a major action scene with Cardo is running while he is being shot by one villain with just 4 goons. The other villains are watching a "live stream" on their TV sets of the action which was funny to watch. All in all, it was a solid production given the limitations. 

****

After 4 months, I finally had a haircut (head shave in my case)! It feels refreshing really. Tomorrow, I will go back to the office in Makati. I bought a face shield just to be safe and will bring an alcohol and hand sanitizer with me. I've arranged my transportation tomorrow with a carpool of some sort but I need to wake up very early tomorrow again so after blogging this off to sleep!

***

I made a conscious effort today to avoid situations/things that would stress me out. These are stuff beyond my control anyway. I want to some peace of mind. But still hoping and praying everything will turn out fine in the end. 

Another Challenge

My uncle will have a surgery next week and his brother, my Tatay, is of course worried for him. My tito is the bunso and my father looked over him and helped him finish a vocational course. The operation is on his gall bladder and we were told it's not a really major surgery and he'll be perfectly fine after it. But knowing my Tatay I know he'll be so worried especially just last year he lost his oldest brother.

He visited him earlier (they live in the same subdivision) he offered words of encouragement to calm him down because my auntie said Tito is having trouble sleeping because he is worried too about the upcoming operation both on the actual operation and the cost of it. That's really one of the tough things when you get sick these days, you only not worry for your health but how much it will cost. That's one of my worries too. I wish it wasn't the case but that's the reality of life.

What a tough year but I'm positive my Tito will be fine. Lord please guide him.

Four

And now the confirmed cases here in our barangay is up to 4. Quite worrisome as this the location where the patient is living is near our subdivision. But apparently he got tested because he was about to work abroad and likely he has gotten it in Metro Manila. Hopefully, no local transmission. In some good news, our second case has recovered and it's a 76 year old woman so thank you Lord. Hopefully, our third and fourth cases will recover soon enough as well.

And another good news our barangay won Showtime's weeklong competition Barangay Fiestars and our barangay will receive our prize. I think it's medical aid, I forgot but that's still good news for our place. 

I will return to the office next week, likely Tuesday. There's bus I can ride now and I plan to catch the first trip 5:15 AM, hopefully not too crowded please. The fare is expensive since it's a point to point bus and I hope that's a factor so less people will try to do it, I'm scared of crowd especially at this time.

My plan is to go the office at least once a week, I won't be going everyday for health safety and also money because it's expensive to ride that bus. 

Three months of not going to the capital. I miss it but I'm worried as well. Please Lord guide me.

One Two Three

So our barangay reported its third confirmed case today who is a frontliner from another town. The location is still far from where we live but still I continue to worry. Gone are the days the country is averaging 200 cases a day. The number of cases are higher now, we have gone over 1K cases  recently. And yet because the economy is in shambles people are now slowly going back to work. Honestly, I probably would have worked back in the office earlier on if only they allowed jeeps to finally operate. But they are still left hanging along with UV Express vans. The past few days I've watched interviews of these drivers who are so devastated because of their current situation right now. My heart is broken. 

I don't know what to feel anymore. I still deal with some family stuff as well, not as worrisome as the past few weeks but it's still not back what it used to be Sometimes I feel it won't be going back to that phase anymore but I don't want to lose hope, I need to keep marching on. I need to.

Apt

Maybe I'm being over dramatic but this song just takes on a whole new meaning to me right now. I could feel every single word now more than ever. 

Ang layo layo pa talaga

Stepping Out

I had a slightly stressful day because of a work task I needed to fulfill. It was eventually taken care off but takeaway is that I need to go back to the office even for just a day this week or next week. Hopefully, this week I could return to the office. It depends if the company driver that is based on the Uplink facility near our place will go to the office this week so I could hitch a ride to go there! Public transportation is so limited especially for us here living outside Metro Manila but works there. Options are so few much more because traditional jeeps are still not allowed to go back, same with UV express vans. If there are only jeeps, I could have gone back to the office at least once the past few weeks. Oh well, this life is so challenging. Virus cases are still high in Metro Manila but it's been 100 days since we started quarantine and no improvement. I have no choice to be brave because at least I still have job security. So many people have lost their jobs this pandemic. Oh Dear Lord please guide me when I finally step out of this house and go to work, please keep me away from the virus.

Father's Day

Another special occasion that this pandemic has crossed. My brothers went home this weekend and bought food and other treats to celebrate the day. It's simple but still always good to have something this celebrate. I wish my Tatay good health he will turn 66 later this year and he still keeps himself busy watching over us and taking care of us. He will always be the head of the family. The fast few weeks had been rough because of Nanay getting sick and insomnia. Tatay worries A LOT even in under regular days so what more having a loved one have medical concerns in a pandemic? He has high blood pressure and the recurring pain from his hernia surgery a few years ago but he powers it through to be the source of strength of the family. I don't deny him being so overprotective at times irritated me especially as I grew up but now in my 30s, I appreciate it and I just feel lucky I have a responsible and caring father. I've met a lot of people over the years who have terrible fathers. I'm glad I'm not one of those. 

Dear Lord, please guide my Tatay and keep him strong and healthy. I still hope one day, I could repay him and Nanay for all the hard work they did to us. I know I've been a good son but seriously I lack more, I could give more.

Fixated

I'm fixated over an issue that's not directly affecting me but I think of the bigger picture and how it is very bothersome. It scares me because I know it won't be solved as soon as possible as the cut is so deep.

On The Losing Side

As much as I don't want to dwell with negative thoughts but I feel the need to process this for my well-being. I know it's normal to feel this way as we are in a middle of a pandemic, our lives have been disrupted and there is so much uncertainty of when will this end and when we can get the life we knew back again. But this feeling of hopelessness is creeping in. There is so much to worry right now. I don't feel secure the way the things are being handled. There is so much to question but one thing I've fully realized in this time that even if we are in this life changing crisis, there are still people who will take advantage of the situation to service their own agenda. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who are not brave enough to speak up. I try to avoid conflict so I stay silent. And by choosing to stay silent, I lose. I deplore what's happening and I'm so bothered that there are people are okay with it. Seriously, they're not seeing what's wrong here? I feel so hopeless. But I must not. I need to carry on. Deal with the present and hope for a better future. I just feel so frustrated right now.  So powerless. 

Pinch

Tatay was taking an afternoon nap earlier when he got woken up because Nanay shouted out loud to call me because there was someone in the gate (it was just a neighbor picking up an item he ordered from my sister who is into online selling now). Tatay got annoyed that his sleep was interrupted so he was quite moody when Nanay asked him what he would like for dinner. When Tatay answered with an irritated voice, Nanay responded asking him why is he answering like that she just was asking. It was striking because it was the first time I saw Nanay like that, her face was so sad. Usually, if you answer Nanay back with a raised voice, she would snap at you and put you in your place. But today was the first time I saw her like that. Tatay of course eventually apologized and things are okay now. However, I can't seem to erase in my mind how Nanay looked earlier. I'm so not used to Nanay being vulnerable like that, she has always been this strong woman and yes has a short temper that also easily subsides, she could berate you in the morning but then lovingly take care of you during meal time. I'm sure her recent health scare has affected her a lot. It's making me realize even more that right now I really have to be a stronger person now because my parents would need someone they can lean on as they grow old. I admit I'm a bit struggling with these responsibilities because I'm also scared but I need to be a full-pledged adult now. It's my turn to look after them. Oh God I'm quite nervous but please guide me. I know deep inside I have resentments but it's all okay now, I can deal with those things, accept how things are but please keep my parents safe and healthy.

One

My nephew is the class valedictorian of his elementary class. And now he is trying to write his speech! At first my sister asked me to write his speech but I said my nephew should be the one to write this as this is his experience, seven years of his life in this school and so it should be his own words. I will help by editing it for clarity but I will definitely keep his words. He will have a virtual graduation so his speech will be shot on phone. His original graduation date was March 31 but we all know what happened. I remember I was about to file a leave so I could attend his graduation and also the blowout we were planning. But alas it feels like it was a lifetime ago now. It sucks we won't have a traditional ceremony for this but still very grateful. Glad to have something to celebrate in these hard times. 

Floating

There's a new confirmed case of COVID19 here in our barangay but the barangay has announced that the strict quarantine will just be implemented in the block that was affected. Such a bummer that after the first one didn't spread and recovered successfully we have another case a month later. Hopefully this one didn't spread and she recovers too. But still worrisome. Cases in the country continues to rise, no longer the 200 cases average but higher than that. I feel so hopeless with this pandemic. So envious of countries that have returned to relative normalcy.

Middleground

So Nanay has some Thyroid Nodules which the doctor said can be treated by medicines although he was honest as well that we should be cautious as well as it could lead to something more concerning but for now just medicines and we will just have a follow up check in 6 weeks.  Hopefully, medicines will be enough. Please Lord guide my mother and help her heal. I could feel my mother is very worried as well and I really need to try my best to not make her worry even more. Thankfully, she's been getting good sleep, still not as long as she used to before, but better than last week where she had little sleep.

It's so tough to have a loved one sick especially in a pandemic world.

Oh Dear Lord please let this end soon.

Worries

Worried about Nanay's health. We got her lab results today and nothing grave but still it reminded me how fragile she is right now with her high blood pressure and diabeter inevitably affecting her kidney as well. Doctor said it's a moderate case but to prevent further damage we must be very vigilant.

Nanay also had her thyroid undergo ultrasound to check if she has nodules. She has hyperthyroidism which has been affecting her sleep and why she's getting some tremors as well.  We find out tomorrow the ultrasound results and I really hope and pray it's not a complicated case too. I'm worried because Nanay is visibly worried, A while ago she had trouble sleeping again likely because she is worried about her health. Tried to calm her down but I think I got a little snippy which I deeply regret now. I was doing the same thing I hated when I got sick when i was a child and I see her snipping at me but I know it was because she was just too worried but back then I felt so guilty getting sick. Now it's the reverse.  I'm the person making her uncomfortable because I get too stressed about her condition. I feel so guilty. I need to calm down and be strong because Tatay and my siblings are worried too and I think for some reason I became THE person that should be the rock. Can I handle it? Oh dear Lord please guide me. 

***

In the middle of me accompanying my mother to the clinic I was reminded of some work duties and I know my manager didn't meant it but I felt so pressured today. I do really want to go back to the office but there's no public transportation available and I'm so afraid to travel Metro Manila and the thought that I might get stranded. I also feel uncomfortable not being at my family's side especially with Nanay's health concerns. I'm so torn.  This pandemic raised the stress level to a higher degree. How can I work this out? 

Tough

The past two nights I was basically sleepless because of Nanay's health concerns. We got rejected by two hospitals last night because they don't have the capacity anymore! Good thing when we found a hospital in Carmona that could address her concern immediately in the ER. We waited for about three hours to get the results and thankfully nothing major and my mother calmed down. The doctor said some of the stuff she's experiencing is likely due to anxiety which I agree. We got released around 2AM and got home safely. Tatay was so worried too and that's why I need to be the stronger and sensible one to handle this matter. I don't have the strongest personality but in  family crisis I need to toughened it up and not be panicky. I've never felt so "adult"  but it did give me a lot of perspective in life. I'm thankful to God Nanay is in generally safe state. Please continue to guide my family dear Lord.

Rollercoaster

So Nanay can't sleep again and blood pressure went up. We rushed to a small public hospital in nearby town which finally opened up to non-residents. Good thing there were basically no other patients when we came in. She was given medicine for high blood pressure while she rested on the emergency room. After an hour, her blood pressure went to normal again and we were sent home. Back at home, she lost consciousness in the CR and good thing I was there so a bigger accident was prevented. The sleeping pill she took the night before finally took in effect. But we panicked because it was first time we saw her like that so we tried to wake her up at first she didn't response but we screamed so hard she finally woke up and she didn't realize she has fallen asleep in the CR. Now in bed she got scared of what transpired and she couldn't sleep and she asked to be taken back to the hospital so we went there and nurse upon checking her up said all her vitals are fine that her only enemy is her mind and that she should ease up on her worries so she could sleep better.

We went home she was able to sleep but only a little but it's better than be totally sleepless. 

Yesterday she took some laboratory tests at Family Doc clinic so today we are waiting the text from them that the lab results and doctor are ready to check her up.

Please God don't let this be a  bad thing, keep my Nanay safe.

Vex

The past two days the humidity is unbearable. I feel like we are being boiled. It's so uncomfortable to do anything. Because of this my Nanay's blood pressure went up again and what's stressful that the clinic she usually goes to is temporarily closed because of lack of doctors due to the pandemic. The nearby small hospital is also understaffed. But good thing we found a good clinic earlier today - Family Doc - and she's feeling so much better now. I really like Family Doc, it's so professional and comfortable. My parents loved it too, nanay said that the clinic made her feel more at ease than the local hospital we went to which was quite a mess because it is under renovation. It's our first time to actually experience how hard the medical situation is right now. It's hard to get sick in a pandemic. 

***

My brother finally came home after a month of being stuck at work and avoiding to come home here due to the lockdown restrictions. The first thing he said to me is his frustration with what happened to ABS-CBN then general frustration with what's happening. I can tell he was holding this for so long because he can't share this to anyone at work to avoid political discussion. 

***

My video editor said to me he is planning to resign since he can't go back to the office because of the lack of transportation and his worries about the cases in Metro Manila. I said to him to think about it carefully first because it's hard to find a job these days although if he can't really find a ride to work or he is not comfortable just tell it to our managers first. They will understand because it's just so hard and risky.

I still continue to worry about our company's future.

***

Maybe I'm just in denial but I can't fully embrace the "new normal". I would just like to think of this period as "temporary normal". I don't want to lose hope, we can still go back to the life we knew before.

Fragile

A pandemic still very much a threat
A controversial bill that could threaten big time if misused
Protests all over the world due to racism

I'm overwhelmed with everything that is happening in the world today. I feel so uneasy with the future. I'm living in such a pivotal moment in history. Life will never be the same. Everything that's happening right now will change the course of all of our lives. I definitely long for the days of normalcy. But I should stop romanticizing the past now and face the future. Be brave but also be careful. We are on uncharted grounds. I'm nervous with what lies ahead but I really hope and pray the this too shall pass and we all survive this multilevel crisis we are experiencing.

Walking on Eggshells

Everything is so fragile. One need to be cautious or else a small mistake could lead to a fatal blow. It's hard both physically and mentally. Distractions don't have the same effect anymore. One needs to face everything. One can't escape the reality, the harsh reality. Try the very best to handle all the frustrations brewing up because that's the best way to cope with the struggle.

Hopes

Nanay is feeling better now and she's been getting good sleep again. Thank God. But I did notice she's more cautious now with what she eats so as not to trigger another blood sugar rise again. It makes me sad that she can't eat whatever she wants now but that's the sacrifice needed to stay healthy. Seeing my parents, both in their 60s, experiencing health vulnerability makes me worry all the time but I'm still thankful they're not suffering from bigger life threatening illness. Please God let them stay healthy for a long time. I may have some issues in the past with them worrying so much but I love my parents a lot, they may not be close to perfect they are good and loving parents and after knowing people who had difficult parents, I'm very grateful how my parents are not like that.

***

First day of GCQ and as expected many experienced commuting hell because of the limited public transportation available. I had the chance to go to work today because a co-worker could fetch me but I opted not to because of the recent health scare of my mother I want to stay home to help out and to be honest I'm not comfortable yet to go back to Makati which had a lot of confirmed cases. I have asthma and deathly afraid of contacting the virus for myself and my family. But I know eventually I will have to go back. Honestly, if public transportation is more accessible I probably take the risk. I miss working at the office but life post-pandemic has changed so much.

***

ABS-CBN franchise hearing today and once again their president Carlo Katigbak has shown so much class and intelligence answering each allegation with fact-based statement. He is respectful even if being taunted by the skeptics.  hope the network can get their franchise back.