So there's a super typhoon coming today in the country and the warning is quite alarming. Here in Cavite it is signal #2 but it is humid as I type this which is alarming because this could be the calm before the storm? I hope it won't be a s bad Yolanda, Ondoy and Milenyo. This year is already tragic.
I went back to the office today and my mind was occupied with work but I have this flickering moments where I suddenly think of my departed Tito again. Flashes of his final moments especially when he suddenly cried after a long moment of his eyes just staring blankly. That flash of emotion, his last one, really left a big mark on me. Those were tears of heartbreak as he is about to leave us. As much as I try to console myself that my uncle's passing is for the better, so that the pain of his bone cancer will no longer be felt, but still I'm still so heartbroken that I will no longer see him. That I will no longer hear his voice. Tatay said he just wants to pretend that Tito is just away at work so busy and has no time to visit us which was actually the usual thing with him. I wish it were true.
My uncle was laid to rest today. Last night it was raining hard and we were worried that today will have a typhoon but thank God the weather was good and we were able to say our farewell without the difficulty that a rain could bring.
I'm gonna miss my Tito so much, he is young just recently turned 56 years old. I'm looking out over my father, his older brother, he handled it as best as he can but I know it was really hard for him to lose his youngest brother so early and add to the fact he lost his two other brothers, one just last month and the other exactly a year ago. Earlier on he asked me to delete the phone numbers of his deceased brothers on his phone. It made me sad to do that but I totally get where he is coming from. It's his process of letting go. He was really hungry when we ate a fast food after the funeral service. He didn't have an appetite earlier too and just ate one pandesal and drank milk. I was with him during the service and he was asked to speak but he could only last a minute before he passed the mic to a cousin. He was just emotional to carry on. He also couldn't look when Tito's coffin was being buried to the ground already. I went with him when we were standing under a tree nearby and chatted him to ease the burden.
Dear Tito, please guide my father and help him stay strong. It will take a lot of time before he can get move on from this grief but please guide him from up there so he can stay strong. Don't worry as well, we will be there for Auntie Rose and Ralph & Daniel's family.
No words can fully explain how I will miss you so much.
My uncle will be laid down to rest tomorrow Thursday because due to the pandemic protocols we can't have the traditional weeklong wake. Even if we could only have the wake for 2 nights still glad we still get to honor his life because if he passed on during the peak of the lockdown here, he will have to be cremated immediately even if the cause of death is not COVID19. I went to work today to fix some things needed because of course I will be there to witness his final resting place. Nanay won't come though because she will look over my nephew who still has online school to attend to. She also admitted that she doesn't want to see my uncle lifeless and wants to preserve his memory of being alive and healthy. My uncle is close to Nanay and one of his last requests was to have Nanay's homecooked meal of a fish dish he loves which Nanay of course willingly did it for him. Tatay is so far holding up fine, he is chatty person and was able to take care of the people who visited the wake today be it relatives or my uncle's co-workers. He actually met the company president of my uncle's workplace. He had nothing but good words to my uncle and he expressed what I've been feeling as well that he truly didn't deserve to have such debilitating illness because of how hardworking, responsible and honest person he is. Life is so unfair.
Today we lost our beloved uncle Tito Romy. An unforgettable moment because I was there on his last few moments. I heard his last breath. The last time he cried will forever be in my mind. It is bittersweet because the physical pain finally ended but still losing him will leave a big hole in our hearts. I'm looking out for my Tatay because he lost 3 brothers in a span of a year. So far he seems to be handling it as best as he could but I know he is in deep pain. I woke up early this morning because my phone was ringing and it was Tatay but I missed the call. I thought he was just waking me up to eat breakfast but when I went to the dining table, he wasn't there and Nanay said he went to Tito's house because my aunt called. After breakfast, I went there and saw my aunt crying and their neighbors and friends were all there consoling her. Tatay told me Tito is dying so he asked me to go to him and say my goodbyes. And there it was I saw my uncle having difficulty time breathing and his eyes were blank. I knew it immediately the end was near. I said to him that don't worry that we will look out for his family and that if he wants to rest, he can do so. I thanked him a lot for all the things he has done for us all these years. My father left because he had something to do at home and I stayed by my Tito's side while my aunt was calling her sons. My youngest cousin was driving because he just arrived at work when he was informed of my uncle's situation so he had to leave fast. My other cousin was on his way. My aunt was telling my uncle to hold on and wait for his sons to arrive but my uncle was struggling. One of their neighbors initiated a prayer and after the prayer ended, he held his last breath. We shouted his name but he was no longer responding. It hurts because his sons didn't make it on time to say goodbye. Tatay too wasn't there at his last moment but he did say his goodbyes earlier on. But maybe Tito wanted it that way, that his beloved Kuya and sons won't see him die in person.
What made this day even sadder? Today is also my auntie's birthday. Did he fight to make it on her birthday at least? We will never know but I won't be surprised if in his heart he did try to make it to celebrate his wife's birthday but sadly he didn't make it the entire day.
To be honest, I still can't fathom why a kind, responsible, and loving man had to suffer like that. Maybe I won't know the reason why it had to happen this way anytime soon. For now, all we can do is pray for his soul. Maraming salamat Tito. Mahal na mahal ka namin.
Typhoon Quinta hit hard last night and well until earlier today especially in the southern Luzon provinces. Here where I live we were on Signal #2 and last night the typhoon hit hard with strong winds pushing our windows. There was a short power interruption too! There were cancellation of classes too even if it is now remote/online because there could be power interruptions, floods at home and Interne signal problems too that will affect classes. Good thing I'm work from home today and tomorrow so I won't have to worry because this weather could be a reason to get a common cold or flu and that's a no-no during these times.
To be honest, I prefer the inconvenience typhoon brings because at least we could still function normally unlike this pandemic with its long-term effects and endless uncertainty. Oh well.
I had a stressful morning today because of an uncle in a health crisis and there was some emotional moments that led to a misunderstanding. But good thing a bigger conflict was halted and cooler heads prevailed. It was just a conflict driven by the stress and frustration of what's currently happening to our uncle who is in a state that's so depressing to see him struggle. To be honest, a miracle is needed to save his life. It's so painful to see him in pain, we don't want to give up but is better to let go? I really feel for my cousin and auntie, they are in an unbelievable situation right now. Oh Dear Lord guide us. It's against realistic odds but can there be a miracle, please?
I've been doing the grocery halfway when the lockdown started and continues to do so until now. My parents stayed in the car while I was inside the grocery. They just want to go out really even if they don't step outside. Totally understand, especially my mother who was mostly stuck at house due to the lockdown and the medical issues she had this year. She's already happy she can go to the market now. Anyway, since the provincial government already allowed entering the malls and groceries without quarantine pass, it was less strict to enter the grocery now. Just the usual temperature check and log in. I still wore our quarantine pass just to be sure really but inside I noticed I was the only one still wearing one! I like grocery shopping because it is kinda relaxing in a way? Ever since I was a child actually because I was one of those kids who rode the big cart when I was small! I've always accompanied my mother even in teenage years. We even had experiences of carrying 4-5 grocery bags while commuting from Alabang or even Makati to Cavite. The two jeepney rides we took and even crossing the streets! Quite a hassle really but looking back now I was trained early on! But damn what you could buy with 1000 back then but now oh well 1K won't be enough for a big family really. The experience I had doing grocery shopping by myself for the family is a good learning experience to me.
Traffic on the way home is horrendous. As if we are back to normal times. It annoyed me so much because while restrictions are loosened up, there are still restrictions. We are not back to regular programming despite the return of traffic back into our lives. The holidays will be guaranteed different now and it saddens me so much. No bright Christmas lights in malls can brighten up the atmosphere.
I'm not really an outspoken guy. I try to avoid toxic personalities. They stress me out. But sometimes I just can't handle it anymore. Especially in this era. I'm so sick of obnoxious people and the people who cheer them on. But I'm not gonna lie I'm scared as well because they have clout. They are in position of control. I'm not really brave. I worry easily. I chicken out of confrontations. I'm quite ashamed of this. It's so frustrating because there's so much maddening and alarming things happening around. I hate that they are winning. When will it end? When will common decency and respectful discourse return?
Jeepney rides from our place to Alabang will finally return tomorrow! Very happy for the drivers after those agonizing months of not being allowed to. Traffic will be a lot more difficult but hey people can finally have their livelihood again. The governor also announced today that malls in the province will no longer require quarantine pass to enter the mall. That's good for the business inside the malls, may they have a fighting chance right now. Today's reported confirmed cases is 1, 509 which the lowest since early September. That's a good sign but of course nothing to celebrate just yet because tomorrow cases could go back to 3K again but really hoping it's truly a sign of a good downward trend. Life will still not go back to the normal we knew anytime soon but I'm holding on to hope that the worst could be over. Please dear Lord, please let this be the start of something better soon.
We have a new carpool driver starting today as the previous one texted us passengers that he won't be available for the next two weeks. I didn't ask why but I'm a bit worried for him. I hope it's not a health issue. The past few months I've been riding his vehicle, I've felt really comfortable and safe to go to work. He really takes good care of his passengers so I hope the reason for his absence is not something delicate. Anyway, the new driver is also a good one alert and makes sure his vehicle is clean and he is quite OC so that's good. It was raining all day so having an accessible and comfortable way to commute is such a relief.
My sister told us how the company she's working for is really struggling right now. It's a small company that was directly hit by the pandemic. The restrictions just made it more difficult for that line of business to survive. For now, her boss will try to make it work but the challenge is very high that her boss asked her if she's okay with a pay cut just until the company recovers. She agreed because well she wants to show her support to her boss. Tough times really. Recently, there was news that there are companies that may not able to give 13th month pay for the holiday season. It made me think of my company as well. I'm quite confident our big boss will of course give us one because even in the years the company had financial troubles, he still made it work. I feel the company right now is in good shape relatively speaking of course. I'm quite thankful for that really. The economic fallout of this pandemic will linger on for so long. I'm quite scared with what the future beholds.
I was able to listen to mass today after SEVEN months! So glad the subdivision chapel finally had a mass. There's pandemic protocol of course, we had to register before entering and we were given "Seat numbers". The allowed capacity is a little over 100 people. In my estimate the total number of mass attendees were above 90. So not bad really and only two people were allowed each bench. Prayed hard today and it was soothing to the soul.
***
Nanay finally had to chance to go the market today! During the months that we were the ones doing it, we could never satisfy,there's always something wrong with the fish or produce we bought, hindi sariwa, masyado raw mahal etc. She's really good at this, she was able to haggle to such good prices to her sukis!. Glad she was able to finally do this again.
****
My sister needed something printed for work and all the Internet shops near us closed down during the lockdown. Found one with 15-20 minute walk from our house. Printing cost was cheap just one peso per page so it was worth the walk! The shop also issues receipts which my sister neede for reimbursement. The shop is a part of a family business located in one commercial space composed of a barber shop, pharmacy and sari-sari store. Glad to see some business thrive.
Earlier I noticed the checkpoints here in our barangay have been dismantled. I guess it is because they have been causing traffic with more vehicles on the road now. But I did read in our official barangay Facebook that there are now 4 active cases and we haven't had a new case in a few days. So that's good news. Also read that the jeepney routes here to Alabang will come back soon! Happy for the jeepney drivers here, finally! I will still ride the carpool to be honest because it's more convenient but at least good to know I now have another option which hopefully will be cheaper. There was also an announcement that the chapel in our subdivision will finally hold mass tomorrow! Daily cases here in the country is still over 3K regularly so yeah still no signs of this virus not posing a threat anytime. But still, these pieces are good enough to give me some hope things will be fine eventually.
The latest season of The Amazing Race premiered yesterday and in the beginning of the program Phil Keoghan, the host, made a disclaimer that this season was shot before the pandemic. Actually, this was shot in 2018, it really got delayed for so long. I was glad to have this show back on air, it gave me an escape from reality but I felt sad later on because I realized this could be the final season of the show as the show's concept is impossible to produced in a pandemic.
Sometimes I forget but there are reminders everywhere of what we are living right now. We are in the midpoint of October. The last two months of this unforgettable year are coming. Can there be a glimmer of hope?
I just stayed at home today as the carpool driver had a personal errand. There's another way for me to commute to work but I had qualms about it because it will take me 2 rides and it will be more expensive on my end. Thankfully, I didn't have an urgent task that needs my physical presence at the office so I can work from home for today. Also, it rained all day so not really an ideal weather to commute. I do love the cold breeze as it has a relaxing and calming effect however right now as I type the rain is pouring hard so it's stressing me a little. I will go back to the office tomorrow and hopefully the weather will be better.
So today I faced one of the things that I've been worried about for months. It's a medical concern involving my mother and we had a lab test out today and THANK GOD my worst fears didn't happen. My mother will still be in regular maintenance medicines and will need lab tests every 6 weeks to monitor the situation but at least the bigger potential medical concern is ruled out and hopefully it stays that way and she maintains good health. It's a such a relief to me really. In this stressful year, my main concern is the health of my loved ones. Oh Dear Lord, please guide us each day and keep us way from big harm.
Tomorrow there's something that it making me worry again. I need to prepare myself in case of the worst case scenario, hopefully I can handle the stress better and not fall apart. On the other side, maybe it is just me overthinking things again which I normally do. But this year, so many fears happened. So I can't be panatag, I should always be alert and mentally prepared. But please God, let tomorrow be not negative, please, please.
There was a religious procession earlier in our barangay but of course due to the pandemic protocol, it was a different one without the usual karakol, the procession was done with people in motorcycles and vehicles. It was odd really. I understand this is a safety measure and they just want to salvage the tradition but it just doesn't have the same feeling. I've accepted that this is how life is gonna be for the foreseeable future but moments like this will remind you of what you can't have right now. Earlier this week I dined in at a fast food and I was the only one there. It felt so eerie and sad. A friend also told me a story about how one private hospital is struggling because they lack manpower now with some of the staff left due to various reasons like the fear of getting the virus or compensation dissatisfaction. it's not on mainstream news because the hospital is trying to keep the problem on their own for now.
That's why I can't help but feel dread with the holidays coming. I hear a Christmas song but it just makes me sad.
The new James Bond movie No Time To Die moved to next year, Pixar's latest SOUL will now be a streaming release in the US via Disney+, local microcinema Cinema Centinario closed down, a new mainstream local horror movie U Turn will now be on pay-per-view online and cable on demand. MMFF just announced that the annual December fest will go online. Major cinema chains in the US will close down for the time due to lack of new major releases. Here in the Philippines have closed down since March and still no signs of returning soon.
I'm worried for the cinema experience. I hope this pandemic won't kill it for good.
Check out this web show my friend from the college student paper created and starred in! I'm envious to be honest because he is living one of the dreams I have hehe
Make no mistake though, I'm so proud of Gelo!
The first episode of TRYING HARD will be out on YouTube Oct. 11. Check out the trailer below!
Meet Makisig Bonifacio. Maki for short. A gay Filipino young professional living in Nashville, Tennessee.
There's this recent national survey that made me feel so frustrated. After all that happened the trust is still that high? I wish I could say it is fake and not really representing the general view but I have anecdotal experience with some people I interact with and yeah they still trust and defend him. I don't know what to say anymore. I feel hopeless. Will that perception ever change?
This is the last movie I paid to watch in a theater this year. Onward back in March. Just a few days before our lives changed in ways we didn't imagine. I miss the cinema. I miss being immersed in a world and escape reality. Watching a movie on your laptop much less your phone isn't the same. I hope this pandemic won't totally kill the movie theater industry.
ABS-CBN will return -somewhat- to free TV this Saturday via blocktime deal with Zoe TV Channel 11 on Analog TV and their joint venture is called A2Z. A to Z get it? The name, aesthetically, looks a little off with 2 and Z looking so similar but hey small issue! What matters is that they will be able to get back in the free TV advertising arena. I hope the network can earn good enough to avoid a potential next wave of retrenchment. I still have friends working there and hopefully they can keep their jobs. Hopefully, there won't be any hindrance and those people will back off and leave the channel alone.
So just awhile ago you saw someone in deep physical pain. You want to help but nothing you can do can make the person feel better. You could feel the frustration and all you can do is to reassure the person that it's fine, nothing to worry about. But the person isn't dumb, you could easily feel what people feel deep inside. Stress. Worries. Fear. All mixed into one ball of excruciating emotion. You don't want to lose hope yet all signs are pointing to a bad conclusion. How can you stir optimism with everything that is happening? You don't want to question life but you can't help but wonder why this is person is suffering like this. They don't deserve to suffer like this. They didn't live a bad life. Why?
So tomorrow is the start of the classes for public schools and I've been watching the news and there is just so many challenges for both students and teachers. Majority have no access to a gadget much less Internet connection to do online school. Of course there is the physical module but still could students really learn by answering just the modules? A guidance is needed but a lot of parents are not equipped to teach as well due to various reasons as some are just too tired and exhausted working to have time to teach and o simply not understanding the lessons too as well.
My nephew have been doing online school for more than a month now and so far he is doing alright. I'm glad since he is already in Grade 7 so he could adapt easily now but still being inside a school is still different and he misses it a lot too. But for now we have to deal with what we have right now.
I hope though before the school year ends, he will be able to go back to school safely and actually meet his teachers and classmates in person.
My brother put up our Christmas tree already and I was surprised because we usually do the decorating post-All Saints/Souls Day but then again Undas is cancelled this year basically because the government are not allowing people to visit cemeteries this year to avoid spreading of the virus. But still I feel it is too early but I guess my brother wants to feel the Christmas spirit already. For me, I don't have any enthusiasm right now. I'm still sad that we have reached this far and no signs of going back to normal yet. There are so many things that frustrates me too. I wish I can avoid what I feel but I can't lie to myself. Seeing Christmas decoration is just making me sad more than ever. Because I dread how will it look like in this horrible year. I wish when 2020 is actually over, we can have an actual restart in 2021 and things will better automatically. But life does not work that way.
No office work tomorrow as the building will have full disinfection for precautionary measures. I got a little stressed because I have a pending task for tomorrow that I will have to do next week now. So I will have time constraints but oh well I'll deal with it next week. It's pointless to stress about something beyond my control.
***
My sister will go back to working at the office next week but only on MWF while she works at home TTHS. While she got used to working at home now, going back to the office is still a good sign for their company's future at least. Having a stable job during this time is so essential.
***
I dined in at Jollibee this week and the branch where I ate was nearly empty. In a way it is safe because few people means lower risk of the virus spreading but still makes me sad really how life has changed so much. Can we ever really go back to the normal life we once knew?
***
I was at the grocery earlier and they were playing ABS-CBN Christmas Station ID songs. It made me feel sad because well Christmas this year won't be the same due to the pandemic and well ABS-CBN's fate this year. I'm sure they would still try to produce one this year but I feel it will have a tinge of sadness to it because of what happened this year.
***
I was listening to a podcast earlier and one of the host opined how she recently felt like her job is so inferior compared to her brother. It triggered something in me again because at 33 years old I just have many insecurities where my life is right now. Before this pandemic, my occasional blog posts mostly covered my insecurities and frustrations. 2020's horrible streak of events made me forget about those but it came back to say hello today. I don't know if I can ever feel fulfilled again.
