Filter

A lot of things happening at the same time and tomorrow will likely be another soul-crushing moment. Hopefully, it won't be. But I'm trying to manage expectations because the air of negativity has been overwhelming lately it's so hard not to get sucked in.  I did manage to avoid some things that would bring me unnecessary stress!

Pen

I sometimes wonder what my life could be if I'm not weak-minded. If I think more about myself. If I were more audacious. If I don't feel guilty easily.  If I don't evade discomfort. I hate "What ifs" but I always fall into that trap. Especially when I feel so frustrated with my present. I wish I wasn't the rock. I  wish I wasn't the glue. I wish I didn't take the initiative. I'm tired of taking in all the negative energy because no one else will. 

Fly

 The last thing I need, there's already too much as it is, and yet it keeps pouring in. I'm so exhausted already and yet you can't speak up because it will not alleviate things but will just make things a lot worse because you know at this point there's no way people will see eye to eye. That's why I would rather be alone as much as I can. Because in solitude I can find even for just a moment peace of mind. I know it won't last but it's okay too much solitude will make me anxious about things outside my own self-imposed bubble. I'm whining I know. But I need it because if I don't put this bottled up emotions out there, I will go insane.

Bound

 I have a lot in mind right now, and then I let myself get drawn to things unnecessary in my life that cause me stress. It's not worth it to get my headspace where there are many things I need to fix and handle. I should have not room for this kind of nuisance anymore. I need to focus on things that matter. 

Judith

 Maximize my time today which is good because well I always get messy during weekends. I was able to balance things and duties. Hopefully, I can keep this up. A balance of responsibilities, productivity and some brain junk food is needed to be a well-rounder person and not fall hard to one's anxieties!

Row

 Here I go again. Thinking of so many things. You want to know but you don't want it to be confirmed. It's really so chaotic and stressful. You want to balance what your gut says and what needs to be done officially. It's nerve-wracking because you see some signs but you don't want to take the plunge. Then there's another matter bugging you. My life in the last 4 years has been nothing but this endless cycle of anxiety and worries.  That just when you think things are OK, you feel that this is too good to be true. 

Shorts

Facing increasing stress again. I don't want to feel this frustration because at the bottom of it it's all abou caring and looking after out of love. But I feel a sense of struggle because I am facing so many things to handle, it's so overwhelming! Do I still have the mental capacity to handle all these load? It's incredibly soul sucking. 

Downpour

 Work was suspended today because the typhoon really hit Metro Manila hard! It's been awhile that a typhoon of that gravity happened again in this area. I like a cold weather but typhoon really is stressful, I could tolerate the intense heat more that happen this year. Weather is just so extreme these days

Truck

 Rainy weather. Some inconveniences and dampened spirit. But it's nothing, there is something to be happy and excited about. That's what should I should focus

160

 Yeah, no matter how smooth you try to cover all bases, there's always this mishap that you will always get the short end of the stick. It's so annoying. I'm freaking tired. I want those involved to realize it on their own because despite doing all your best, you still get that awful treatment. They should know better how to treat things better. Speaking up to deaf selfish ears won't matter. A lose-lose situation so what's the point of fighting back, setting things right. Just bury deep inside like what you always do, right? Just pretend you didn't get hurt. Maybe you'll finally feel free without guilt. Without worry. But this is not it. Just bottle it all up and divert attention. That's what you always do anyway, right? Maybe someday you'll get the appreciation you deserve, Maybe it will be all worth it in the end. Maybe

Cuts

 I'm exhausted looking after things. I don't want to feel this way because the alternative is much worst given how I am such a paranoid person but I'm just perpetually tired. It's something beyond my control even if I try not to feel it but I just can't help it. I feel trapped because even if I try to escape the guilt and fear will linger on so there's no sense of peace anyway. I have no choice but deal with these things every single day. Last year, I tried to do an escape and just led to bigger consequences. So yeah, just sit down and deal with it. 

Strains

 Another thing added to my list of stressors right now. But praying hard that this will not lead to bigger and more complicated things because frankly speaking I'm having difficulty dealing with what I'm shouldering now but I just carry on. Another one will just push me even harder to misery. And I don't want to feel this way especially it affects loved ones.  I really need to be strong yet again but I'm so overwhelmed with everything.  

Eyy!

As things dry up, I am getting paranoid again!  I hope something comes up soon because I really don't want to be stressed again about this matter. But I need to calm down and just hope and pray, new windows will open soon. 

Yeah, Again.

 I really should have not raised my hopes up because now I'm disappointed and admittedly prematurely at that. It's the same rodeo with so much uncertainty. Same process and perhaps the same result. I wish it was not but I've seen this before and most of the time it ends up like this. I will just have to carry on again and hope for the best later on. 

Hope so

In less than an hour, something will happen which I hope will lead to fruitful results. We really need it.  As I see things dwindle, I start to panic already although I need to relax really because it's not an alarming level yet but I'm just so paranoid that any signs of weakness gives me so much scared already. I hope to hear good news tomorrow. 

Interrupted

I could do so much if I didn't get interruptions every now and then. Some of my own doing but some are out of the blue anxiety inducing moments that really ruins my process because my goes haywire and I can't find the energy to finish things. And I need it so bad now. 

17811

 Finished quite a lot today then tomorrow, I will take on yet another challenge, it's something that's more difficult but I survived it last week so I can again this time. But still kinda scared of things because it is drying up but hopefully something comes soon enough!

Junk

I've been trying to avoid exposing my self too much with anxiety-inducing world affair news . Sometimes, I can't resist and everytime I do, it instantly reminds why I avoid it in the first place. I just don't the head space to handle those things anymore. 

YR

I got sucked again in a time warp of some sort. Drunk in nostalgia! But there's always that nice, comfortable feeling that this gives you. But it could be misleading so you need to manage everything as well and not fall too deep into just everything all good in the past, everything now bad. We just look sometimes at rose-colored glasses. 

CALL

I hope this potential will come to fruition. I've learned to manage expectations and not raise my hopes but always cling to hope. Chapters are closing so I really hope there will be new chapters to open soon. Praying hard for it. 

Oh My

 I'm feeling better now physically speaking but mentally troubled again with so many things bothering me again. And I chose to escape by doing inconsequential nonsense stuff. Let tomorrow be where I get things back to usual. It's been quite chaotic past 2 days for me.

Sick

Under the weather now. First time in awhile I have gotten sick so I took a leave from work today. I had a throbbing head and had chills but good thing I feel a little better now, not totally cured yet so I'm taking another leave tomorrow just to be sure. I have things to do but I won't be thinking about it that much.

Argh!

Out of all times that I feel under the weather it had to be today when I'm close to finishing something quite hard to do. I'm really struggling to finish it off because the medicine I drank is making me sleepy! I want to finish this tonight but the bed is calling! What to do? 

Clear

Accompanied my mother for her cataract surgery and things went well. It's just one eye though because we just want to take it slowly so she won't get overwhelmed. The wait was long but the actual operation was short and Nanay said she didn't feel anything bad, thank God

Kuan

 

Nanay enjoyed this. Hearing her mother tongue spoken by celebrities was a treat for her. She enjoyed explaining some things to me. I do understand a little bisaya because growing up my parents would say it or mix it up with their tagalog. This is such a good idea for a show and looking forward to the next episodes. 

Dig

 Went to some places today to handle some stuff and it was okay in general except for some areas with traffic due to roadworks which conveniently happens when elections are near. So yeah!

Back

 In another twist, what I thought canceled was reversed! So it will happen now. I'm quite pleased although it gave me some stress but what's important is it is pushing though! Hoping for more positive news in the days to come. 

Kibosh

 Something I was working hard on the past 2 days had an unexpected change. Honestly, I'm annoyed but what I can do about it right? No one's fault though. Circumstances just weren't ideal. Anyway, there are still to work and I do hope I'll be able to make things happen. Stil hoping for some new doors to open again because I'm a little anxious already. 

Charts

 As a chart geek, seeing the Philippines Hot 100 licensed by Billboard was nice. This is not the first time though, there was an authorized Billboard PH Hot 100 too in 2017 but it shut down in early 2018 barely lasting a year. I hope this will last longer. I would have killed to have worked for Billboard PH a decade ago but I'm not that kind of chart geek anymore. Still, chart watching will always be a thing I would love to casually follow now. 

Is there?

There is something not really connected in my personal life but I'm too attached that  I try to avoid because I get too engrossed. Most of the time it is entertaining but can't help but feel bad sometimes because of it. Like right now there's some incident that triggered my annoyance, frankly anger because of past events. I should avoind getting into deep that again. I'm too old now to get lost in something inconsequential in my life. 

Kinse

My 15th year working for the same company! Time flies and cheers to more years! Grateful to have found a stable job in an area I enjoy doing. I might not earn that much but I do like my comfort zone here
especially as I grow old.