Next

 Today is the end of this very long month. What a start 2022! So much stressful moments up until yesterday! Today is calmer thank God. But of course there are worries that continue to haunt me. However I decide to take things on a per day basis. Today was okay and I'm thankful. Hopefully, more of this if not better days. As usual I am managing my expectations but will continue to stay hopeful. Oh Dear Lord please listen to my prayer. 

Bothered

 A stressful night again due to family matters. So many fragile factors I have to consider. It's testing me so much and honestly not handling it the best way I need to be. I feel so annoyed and terrified too. But I can't be weak right now, I need to be stern or else everything else falls. That's why I can never feel at ease. I can never be comfortable because something dreadful will happen eventually. I hate to be drowning in misery most of the time I escape sometimes but still within the vicinity where I can jump back in when needed. I don't want to give up of course but it's just so hard. 

Making Sure

 So paid my new internet/cable provider today at their office in the town proper, it's quite far and they have no online means to pay yet although there's an option to have their messenger pick up the payment here at our house but I kinda have trust issues and since this is the first payment too so I want to make sure everything is secure! Anyway, their office is small and simple but honestly I like that this company is just small and just focuses on our town as their prime customer. Service will be more accessible and focused! I do hope they get a lot of customers especially since the service is great.

Crossing My Fingers for the Nth Time

Cases are below 20K for three straight days now and I do really hope it's the start of the downward trend. I've already accepted we won't get rid of covid but I really we can enter it in the endemic territory soon enough. But the damage has been done though, things will never be the same but I hope I could see and feel what like was before. Oh God please no more deadly new variant/

Frugal

 Just finished some work from home tasks! I really worked hard this week and my goal to have all things pending and checked off my to-do list is successful and I did it earlier than needed! This secondhand laptop I bought has been very useful, sure the specs aren't top notch but it has the basic MS applications I need and works fine. Good thing this small investment I made paid off. Maybe someday I can buy a brand new laptop but for now I feel relieved that I did made a good choice because I admit I was afraid that I made a bad one because I prioritized saving money. 

I Can Get Satisfaction

 So our new cable/fiber internet had no connection early this morning so I immediately contacted them but they responded two hours later at the start of the office hours and informed me that our whole barangay was affected by a mainline issue and they are already working on a fix already. Good thing I was working from home today so I was able to load up our prepaid Wi-Fi so my nephew can use it for online school. I was a little worried because our experience with Spectrum had been great so far but you know what they were able  to fix the problem soon enough and informed me on both messenger and text message! Now that's what you call good service and I immediately posted on their FB on how satisfied I was on how they handled the problem. A high school classmate messaged me because they saw my post and asked if the service is indeed good because she was planning to change provider and I recommended it highly! I've been burned by customer service of bigger companies for years now so it was such a relief to get good service. Local business like this with focused on specific areas has its advantages. I received my first bill today and will gladly pay it on Saturday. I hope the good service will continue and not just from the beginning! I deserve it!

Lead

 So today I learned the newly elected president of Chile is just a year older than me! It's quite unsettling to know a person my age can be a president now. Me at 34 can't fully grasp adulthood and someone near my age about to handle a whole country? But I am curious how he will fare and I hope he does good, maybe my generation can be good national leaders. Hopefully.

Clogged

 It's really hard to get out of this mental prison I placed myself in. Whenever there is a lull moment, I can't help but think of negative stuff. Sometimes even if I am in the middle of doing something that feeling of dread pops in. I'm so scared of what awaits. I'm terrified if my fears will happen. I' m doubting my instinct, if I made the right choice or I just preferred what's easy for now. Lord, please don't let this fear manifest in real life. Please....

Step Away

 Political discourse is heated right now as election is just a few months away. I already know who I am voting for and praying my choice wins. But I choose not to join the chaos right now, it's too stressful and I already have a lot of personal matters to deal with to let this add up to my growing anxieties in life. I'm scared of what could happen so I'm avoiding thinking about it for now. If I dig deep into my feelings about this, I go to dark places. It's not healthy. 

USB

I spent a good amount of time looking for a flash drive which I distinctly remember taking out of my bag but when I was about to insert it on my laptop I can't find it! Until now I just can't find it. I don't know what's happening to me that I'm so absent-minded that I lost a simple thing like that. I can't help but wonder if this is a sign of a bigger problem? Oh my mind goes that direction again!  I hope I can find the flash drive tomorrow.

Overcast

 January is about to end it feels like this month has lasted for so long and this year has so much challenges left. I'm very scared of the future. I think about what could go wrong every single day. I wish I could stop this but there is always something out there that would remind me. I can't avoid it completely. I'm beginning to think that I will never have peace of mind and I will live in constant fear. I hope I'm wrong/ I really hope so. I'm clinging to hope as long as I can.

My Worries

My mind is filled up with so many thoughts that bother me not just at night but all day long...

My family's health and well-being.

My company's situation.

My country's future.

My path's direction.

My life in general the past two years had been governed by endless fears, I wish I could easily just everything off but I have nothing else to do but just endure all of it and try my best not to get drowned. 

Same

 I knew this no vaccine, no ride will cause chaos because they just don't think of practical application of it, how it will be done on the ground. Sure intention to promote vaccination is good but not at the expense of making the life of the ordinary commuting worker a living hell. But what else is new right? This has been going for a long time, directives that are not carefully planned and so many loopholes. I'm so sick of this but there's nothing I can do but just be exasperated.

Opening

 The manager has asked my help if I know someone who is looking for a job and recommend to apply for us. I actually don't know anyone right now but I still helped by posting job opening our channel's Facebook page. I hope it helps us! I can feel how stressed she was earlier! The timing just not on our side really but we will survive this, I know we can. 

More or Less

 There are multiple new projects coming in at the office which is good news but manpower is a challenge right now. With the people in quarantine plus those who recently resigned (add to the fact that there was retrenchment in November), we are definitely going to face a lot of challenges handling these projects plus there are potential projects that will add too. I'm preparing myself because I might have additional tasks on top of the things I already do right now. I was not asked yet but given the situation, I need to be prepared if they will ask for my help. Getting new projects is such great news but I wish it happened late last year and who knows maybe the retrenchment could have been stopped. How tricky the situations are right now! Good Lord please us survive this.

Taken Off the List

I've been feeling a lot of dread lately so I needed an escape and what's the best that I can do that is to watch stuff! The past 2 nights I've checked out MY LIST on Netflix. I returned to Netflix last month because my nephew wants to watch some anime programs he is into right now. Now, I realized why not watch some of the stuff I put on MY LIST and there I watched the films Tick...Tick..Boom, Shawshank Redemption and documentary Shrinkers. I watched Tick..Tick...Boom! without knowing much of the background of the real life story behind it so I was so captivated with what I saw. So moving and engaging. Heartbreaking too! I've been meaning to watch Shawshank Redemption for a long time because it is famous and has been considered a must-see and I was not disappointed. That was a riveting tale of finding hope in the worst case possible and the "twist" also blew my mind. It is indeed classic adult filmmaking that truly resonates. Lastly, the Singaporean documentary Shrinkers has a nice hook of a "lost film" that came back to the life of the documentarian so many years later. It was so engrossing how it all happened and also to see the footages they did in 1992 was such a time capsule. 

So yeah I had a good weekend I guess!

Everywhere

 Cases are closing in to 40K. Well, officially that is because many are not getting tested because it's not practical because of the expensive PCR tests. Also, there are people who just take the antigen test at home. It's all messy. We are all now assuming this virus is everywhere at this point. I don't know what to think or feel anymore. Still hoping and praying for better days ahead.  

Matic

 37K cases today and despite the all time high number the health department is encouraging less PCR testing and quarantine days now for those who got infected and close contact. I get it for practical purposes especially for those vaccinated but it seems careless, speaks a lot of the " bahala na" mentality. It also feels like an admittance we don't have the capability anymore. I was at the pharmacy and all paracetamol  and over the counter products for colds and fever are sold out. Even strepsils for sore throat. Two years of this pandemic and yet it is giving me new ways to scare us. Oh Lord please let this be final wave, please

Scary Times

 Cases reached an all time high again and the virus is just literally everywhere. The streets are essentially empty. Saw many stores in Ayala that are "temporarily closed". In this pandemic I have seen a lot of these temporary closures that ultimately led to full time closures one of which is the FamilyDoc clinic here in our place. Imagine a clinic closing in this era. There are fewer people going to work onsite these days as seen in the number of commuters now. Even in our office we are so few. I've been in the office for the past 3 days and I will go work from home tomorrow. I contemplated going to the office again to finish some task in advance but I decided against it in the end because I can do it next week anyway and I need some time off commuting because it is scary to be exposed out in the streets. Paracetamols and other medicines going scare is quite disturbing too., Hoping and praying hard this is the last big wave. Please let it be. 

Go!

 Loving our new cable / internet provider! I joined their Facebook promo and won an HBO Go voucher! I really wanted to watch the sequel to one of my all time favorite - On The Job and it's streaming there so I will now finally be able to see it! Also planning to watch shows I've been meaning to watch but haven't yet like I May Destroy You and Enlightened! Some movies like Dune and Godzilla vs Kong which are available there too! I will really make sure my one month free access with this platform!

Strange

 Commuting to work is a different experience lately. Traffic is light because there are just few people around. This is happening definitely because of the rise in cases. Even at the office we are even fewer than usual in the pandemic era. The shuttle van I'm riding also has fewer passengers. It's a mix of feeling of relaxing but uneasiness too. I like the calmness it exudes but still I can't deny the reason behind all of this. With the fast transmission it is scary to be out there but my work needs to be done at the office especially with my video editor in a quarantine facility right now,. A lot of things to be done and grateful that I am busy because when I'm not, negative thoughts simply rule over me. I can't live my life like that.

Substandard

 I always get broken things. Things that have issues. Things that don't work smoothly. I always have to deal with imperfection. I settle for less. I settle for mediocrity. Most of it is my fault because I just accept it. Tolerate. I work with what I have. But I deserve better. I should ask for more. I should ask for better. But aiming for better always have complications. Add to the fact that I'm trapped with so many limitations. I'm tired of this endless cycle of my life. Nothing really works out. 

28,707

 Highest cases ever and I fear this is just this is just start of more record cases. Vaccine cards being an entry pass is now getting more common. I'm worried but managing to be as relaxed as possible. Life has to go on, we can't afford to do lockdowns anymore . I'm currently watching the latest season of The Amazing Race and this was the season that was affected by the pandemic so  it's so eerie to watch this episode knowing it was just weeks away when the world changed forever. But also love to see life again when it was really normal. 

What Ifs Cycle

 My life is always about a test of patience and how to control the situation from escalating to unnecessary drama and source of stress. It's so unbelievably hard because there are just so many intersecting factors I have to address. Most of the time I sacrifice my own happiness. I know I'm doing the right thing but whenever I faced troubling times I can't help but wonder if I followed the path I really wanted to take where would my life will be right now? I think this will forever haunt me. It's just the stress talking right now because ultimately I would have regretted it big time if I chose not to prioritize this matter in my life. It would have been more painful if I didn't make this choice. But I wish this line of thought will not cross my mind again. It's a real internal torture. 

Seven Days In

 Spent nearly 5 hours waiting to get my nephew's second dose of vaccine. First dose last December was just an hour. There were so MANY people today. I was pissed off how disorganized they were, the minors should have separate schedule or they should have allow the adults first dose and booster on the same schedule or same site. They could be short staffed I know but still they should have had better planning. Many people rushing to get vaccinated because of the restrictions now for the unvaccinated. I have mixed feelings about that, I get the idea of encouraging people to get vaccinated already but I feel like the implementation of this would be messy and could be abused for power trippers.

First week of 2022 and so chaotic already. 

17K

 Cases are rapidly rising and as someone who still goes to the office, it is quite scary but I gotta march on. Paracetamol are now gone in pharmacies, it's quite unsettling. While for sure there are hoarders out there but there is legit demand for it. What a way to start the year. How many have I said that I hope this ends soon but it's now 2 years and we still can't escape this virus. How long are we gonna wait?

It's here

So last week cases were down to less than 300 and in just a few days we are now at 10K. Cases are surging all over the world to alarming numbers. Omnicon effect. I know quite a few personally now who have teste positive. The office earlier was so bare with people. In a way that feels safer with less people around but also nerve wracking to think what's happening. Trying to remain as calm as possible too, devoted a lot of time focusing on work. It's somewhat encouraging that according to reports most cases are mild. I'm quite hoping this is it for Covid. The last alarming variant. And after this we could now live a life as close to what it once was, I don't expect to covid to fully disappear but just less deadly. Please let this be Lord.

Secondhand

 So I bought this used HP laptop for a cheap price yesterday and currently using it to type this post. My current laptop works fine but has monitor issues which I haven't replaced yet but now that I have another laptop I can use for work purposes then I will finally have it fixed as soon as I have the extra money to do so. This laptop has issue like battery is dead so it needs to be plugged in always which is not new thing for me because my current laptop has the same issue and honestly I've been using laptops like a desktop and just at home. The only time I brought a laptop out in the open is when I used it for my thesis defense! This laptop also has limited storage/memory which is fine because I will just mainly use this laptop for work so word and excel are all I need. On that secondhand store where I bought this, there was also a secondhand Mac available that I was tempted to buy but it went above my budget and I've never really used a mac outside the video editing one I used at work so I got more practical picked this one because it was the cheapest. Anyway, I hope this laptop will last me a long time. In fairness to me I've had 3 laptops in my lifetime and all were used for than 5 years at least. 

Here We Go Again and Again and Again

 Covid cases are rising again that it's hitting close to me. My video editor is isolating right now after her sibling tested positive although his test result was negative. Looking like restrictions are here again and the annoying comeback of the mandatory face shield use is imminent. I'm worried but I need to stay calm. It doesn't help that lingering thought of my family's safety especially Nanay's health is affecting me that much. I'm reading up that at least hospitalizations are not as high and just many mild cases and South Africa where this was officially discovered is seeing a fast trend of lowering cases. Hopefully, it won't be deadly.  Come on let this end already. 

Resolution

 Good thing my family decide not to go out on New Year's Day. I actually had a good 4-hour afternoon nap which is quite refreshing! Back to work on Monday and looking forward to it because I have a lot of things to do and I'm thankful because I need to stay busy to keep my mind from thinking of negative things. I will attemp to have a New Year's resolution by trying to control my pessimism and alarmist attitude. I won't say I will be completely off it but I will try to remain as calm as possible when facing life's pressures. I owe myself that/

365 Days

So I blogged every single day in 2021 365 days. First time ever in 16 years of my blog's existence. Yes, I combined my yearend TV and Movies retrospective in one post so I would have exactly one post per day hahah! Anyway, I  know majority of my posts since I started posting daily are not polished! With mostly random vague thoughts filled with rants, fears and anxieties. Basically my shock absorber but it has really help grapple with complicated feelings the past 2 years or so. I'm fearful of what could happen this 2022. Where I will be 365 days from now? Hopefully, the worst case scenarios will just stay in my mind and will not manifest. It's really rough but I will carry on and face everything life throws at me the best way I can/