Tuesday, December 31, 2019

Bye 2010s

Another decade has passed!

 The 2010s have been defined as me a working adult, facing life's challenges. Growing up and maturing. Realizing of the things I've missed out, missed expectations on life goals, general disappoinments! The latter half of this decade have been quite frustrating as shown on this blog! I started decade having this blog as a repository of pop culture interests and eventually became the place where I scream all my angst in life! But it has been very helpful at least.
 It freaks me out that I'm 32, a full-pledged adult. I sometimes I don't feel like one, sometimes I do. It has been a generally OK year to year if I'll be honest. A lot of challenges. Thankfully, I surpassed all of them. The latter half of the decade I truly felt how time is changing and saying goodbye to the ones that became a part of my life. Look back sometimes but always move forward,

2020s bring it on!

My 10 Favorite Movies of 2019

Another year of seeing fewer movies than I want to. Movies are just expensive! Anyway, my top 10 is again limited to what I just saw and it's really a slim selection­čśé


1. Quezon's Game

It's a fascinating look of a part of our history that seems have been forgotten. I never knew about this story until I've seen this film. This is a low budget but you won't feel, they maximized their resources to the full effect. Truly excellent.




2. Parasite
Thrilling with a great message of about inequality. Best seen with out any knowledge about it for full maximum surprise effect!


3. Toy Story 4

They did it again! Pixar once again formed a story with these lovable toys that resembles the journey of a real person in life. The theme about moving on to the next chapter of your life is someone will strongly feel connected to.




4. Edward
This film tells a whimsical story of a coming-of-age of a young teen boy in the midst of the seriously depressing world of public hospitals in the country. It has its whimsical charm despite the tragic stetting the character lives on. Very affecting film.



5. Alone/Together
I totally loved Tin's character journey here and how her idealism in her youth was crushed upon entering the real world. The circumstances leading to that felt a little contrived but the film totally got the feeling of disillusionment a young adult feels upon facing that being idealistic is so hard




6. Marriage Story 

This film perfectly captured how a strained relationship feels like and the conflict of doing what you heart desires vs what is practical. Excellent script and acting




7. Frozen II

A worthy follow up to the 2013 classic. While I feel the main storyline needed tightening, the powerful songs in the third act more than makes up for it. Show Yourself sequence alone is worth the ticket admission



8. Aladdin
This is so much better than initial promo suggested. I felt the production designed needed more oomph but this was such a fun remake. Will Smith's Friend Like Me is fantastic and A Whole New World still gave me goose bumps! The new song Speechless is simply divine as the re-imagining of Princess Jasmine in this live-adaptation works well




9. How to Train Your Dragon: Hidden World

The villain was a little weak but still the conclusion to this series ended on a perfect way as we see Hiccup and Toothless face the future as they follow their journey. Emotional finish but well-earned.




10. Hello, Love, Goodbye

A poignant look of the life of an OFW and how the idea of relationships in a temporary world could work (or not). I especially like how it ended, that sometimes you have to choose yourself and your dreams.




Favorites from the past years:



Monday, December 30, 2019

My 10 Favorite Comedy TV Series Episodes of 2019

Here is my annual rundown of my favorite episodes of the sitcoms/comedy programs I watched this year. Like in previous years for variety purposes I just chose one episode per show. Check out my top 10 lists over the years:  201820172016201520142013,2012


1. Speechless Season 3, Episode 22 "U-n-r-Unrealistic"
The de-facto series finale of this wonderful sweet show had heartwarming showcase of the human spirit. Sometimes all you need is to believe that even the unrealistic could be conquered.

2. The Conners Season 2, Episode 7 "Slappy Holidays"
This episode had the perfect balance of capturing real life tension between family members without losing its comedy side. The confronation between Darlene and Jackie is such a TV moment that left me gasping. It felt so real.

3. Fleabag Season 2, Episode 6
I jumped the bandwagon with this show's insane hype this year and it lived up to it. The (series) finale totally embodies why this show captured the hearts of many people, a comedic take of things not going your way but hey life goes on. Fleabag represented a lot of us with a messy side but hopeful of the life ahead.

4. Young Sheldon Season 3, Episode 5 "A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship"
This episode left a mark on me because of a seemingly stray comment made by supporting character Dr. Sturgis referring to himself as "damaged goods". It's self-depreciating made with so much earnestness and touch of heartbreak. This show is underrated because it's such a good and heartfelt coming of age sitcom a kid with peculiar mindset.

5. Superstore Season 4, Episode 22 "Employee Appreciation Day"
This episode was thrilling, funny with a shocking end. The race to hide Mateo was so expertly executed and the final scenes will leave you in shock. I also appreciate how the show portrays the life of a regular worker and the complicated corporate world.

6. The Big Bang Theory Season 12, Episode 24 "Stockholm Syndrome"
The series finale of this 12-year old series was so sweet and true to itself. Ending it with Sheldon's speech appreciating his friends for all the years they have loved and cared for him in their special ways.

7. The Good Place Season 3, Episode 11 "The Book of Doughs"
I love how this dug deep into a person's character, that doing what's wrong and right is not all the time sometime you can judge in black and white. There's always a grey because life is so complicated

8. Mom Season 7, Episode 10 "Higgledy-Piggledy and a Cat Show"
The show rarely does holiday-themed episodes unlike other sitcoms so the fact that they made one this year piqued my interest quickly. This episode knocked it out of the park! Funny, heartbreaking and heartwarming. It was also good to see how far Bonnie and Christy have come.

9. Bob's Burgers Season 10 Episode 5, "Legends of the Mall"
This wonderful animated family comedy is always and the current season is an embarassment of riches. I ultimately picked this episode because of the subplot of Bob finding it hard to buy pants on his own. The episode also captured the charm of a mall to a kid which I could relate to a lot.

10. Kim's Convenience Season 3 Episode 8, "To Him It May Concern"
This sitcom I just discovered this year on Netflix and binged all three seasons. Of the episodes that their aired this year, I picked this one because it's funny but insightful look of the life of a migrant through the use of their adopted language "English". It shows that even if years have passed living in a foreign land, there are moments when you realized you are still an outsider and it's okay.

Wednesday, December 25, 2019

My Hot 100 of the 2010s (2010-2019)


1. Dati - Sam Concepcion and Tippy Dos Santos feat Quest (2013)
2. Just The Way You Are - Bruno Mars (2010)
3. Closer - The Chainsmokers feat Halsey  (2016)
4. Rolling in the Deep - Adele (2011)
5. Maybe The Night - Ben & Ben (2018)
6. Perfect - Ed Sheeran (2017)
7. Lost Stars – Adam Levine (2014)
8. Somebody That I Used to Know - Gotye feat Kimbra (2012)
9. Shut Up and Dance - Walk The Moon (2015)
10.  Lover - Taylor Swift (2019)

11. Moves Like Jagger - Maroon Five feat Christina Aguilera (2011)
12. Buwan - Juan Karlos (2018)
13. Uptown Funk - Marc Ronson feat Bruno Mars (2015)
14. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry (2010)
15. Some Nights - fun.   (2012)
16. Thinking Out Loud – Ed Sheeran (2014)
17. Remember Me - Coco cast (2017)
18. Versace on the Floor - Bruno Mars (2016)
19. Ikot Ikot - Sarah Geronimo (2013)
20.  Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi (2019)

21. Walang Natira - Gloc 9 feat Sheng Belmonte (2011)
22. Just Give Me a Reason - Pink feat Nate Ruess (2013)
23. Love The Way You Lie - Eminem feat Rihanna (2010)
24. Secret Love Song - Little Mix feat Jason DeRulo (2016)
25. Dahil Sa'Yo - Inigo Pascual (2017) 
26. All of Me – John Legend (2014)
27. Gangnam Style – PSY (2012)
28. Pumped Up Kicks - Foster The People (2011)
29. Mundo - IV of Spades (2018)
30.  Cake By The Ocean - DNCE (2015)

31. Hello - Adele (2015)
32. Shape of You - Ed Sheeran (2017)
33. Hey, Soul Sister - Train (2010)
34. Rude – MAGIC!  (2014)
35. Falling In - Lifehouse (2011)
36. Let It Go - Idina Menzel (2013)
37. When We We're Young - Adele  (2015)
38. Sila - Sud (2016)
39. The Greatest Show - The Greatest Showman Ensemble (2018)
40.  Tala - Sarah Geronimo (2016)

41. Shake It Out - Florence + The Machine (2012)
42. Sana - I Belong to the Zoo (2018)
43.Say You Won't Let Go - James Arthur (2016)
44. Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen  (2012)
45. Stay With Me – Sam Smith (2014)
46. That's What I Like - Bruno Mars (2017)
47. Love Yourself - Justin Bieber (2015)
48.  Mahal Ko o Mahal Ako – KZ Tandingan (2014)
49. Clarity - Zedd feat Foxes (2013)
50.  Kung 'Di Rin Lang Ikaw  - December Avenue feat. Moira Dela Torre (2018)

51. Triangulo - Thyro & Yumi feat Jeric Medina (2015)
52. Kilometro – Sarah Geronimo (2014)
53. Never Enough - Loren Allred (2018)
54. Someone Like You - Adele (2011)
55.  Love Me Like You Do- Ellie Goulding (2015)
56. Hangover - Sugarfree (2010)
57. It's Time - Imagine Dragons (2012)
58.  Di Lang Ikaw - Juris (2010)
59. Counting Stars - One Republic (2013)
60. Sa’yo – Silent Sanctuary (2014)

61. Shake It Off – Taylor Swift (2014)
62. Airplanes - B.o.B feat Hayley Williams (2010)
63. Payphone - Maroon Five feat Wiz Khalifa (2012)
64. Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots (2016)
65. Bang Bang - Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj and Jessie J (2014)
66. Royals - Lorde (2013)
67. High Hopes - Panic! at the Disco (2018)
68. Ikaw – Yeng Constantino (2014)
69.  In The Name of  Love - Martin Garrix feat Bebe Rexha  (2016)
70. Thunder - Imagine Dragons (2017)

71, Sugar - Maroon Five (2015)
72. Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke feat Pharell & T.I (2013
73. Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO feat. Lauren Bennett and GoonRock (2011)
74. She's So Mean - Matchbox Twenty (2012)
75. Sidekick - Dawin (2017)
76, Rumour Has It - Adele (2011)
77. Pyramid - Charice feat Iyaz (2010)
78. Happy- Pharell Williams (2013)
79. Hotline Bling - Drake (2015)
80. Price Tag - Jessie J feat B.o.B (2011)

81. Buko - Jireh Lim (2013)
82. She's Kinda Hot - 5 Seconds of Summer (2015)
83. Love Runs Out – One Republic (2014)
84. Between the Raindrops - Lifehouse feat Natasha Bedingfield (2012)
85. Circles - Post Malone (2019)
86. Nothing - The Script (2010)
87. Mirrors - Justin Timberlake (2013)
88. Pagtingin - Ben & Ben (2019)
89. It Will Rain - Bruno Mars (2011)
90. Girls - 1975 (2014)

91. 20 / 20 - Pupil (2011)
92. Bad Guy - Billie Eilish (2019)
93. Hurricane - Lifehouse (2015)
94. Kahit Ayaw Mo Na - This Band (2018)
95. Rhythm of Love - Plain White Ts (2010)
96.  If You Ever Change Your Mind - Marion Aunor (2013)
97. Where My Love Goes - Lawson (2016)
98. I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz (2012)
99. Heavy - Linkin Park feat Kiarra (2017)
100. Somebody To You – The Vamps feat Demi Lovato (2014)



My Hot 100 for 2019

My favorite songs of the year!

1. Lover - Taylor Swift
2. Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi
3. Circles - Post Malone
4. Pagtingin - Ben & Ben
5. Bad Guy - Billie Eilish
6. Hindi na Nga - This Band
7. Ikaw at Linggo - Eamarie Gilayo
8. I Love It - Rob Thomas
9. Speechless - Naomi Scott
10. Blow - Ed Sheeran feat Bruno Mars & Chris Stapleton

11. Bulong - December Avenue
12. ME! - Taylor Swift feat Brendon Urie
13. Walk Me Home - Pink
14. Sunflower - Post Malone & Swae Lee
15. Here With Me - Marshmello feat CHVRCHES
16. Raise Your Flag - KZ Tandingan feat Kritiko
17. Truth Hurts - Lizzo
18. Balang Araw - I Belong to the Zoo
19. Dulo ng Hangganan - IV of Spades
20. Kahit Na Anong Sabihin ng Iba - Unit 406

21. Wow - Post Malone
22. I Don't Care - Ed Sheeran feat Justin Bieber
23. Memories - Maroon Five
24. Dancing with the Stranger - Sam Smith feat Normani
25. Goodbyes - Post Malone feat Young Thug
26. Ex - Callalily feat Yeng Constantino
27. Beautiful People - Ed Sheeran feat Khalid
28. Di Ba Halata - Agsunta
29. I'm So Tired - Lauv & Troye Sivan
30. Call You Mine - The Chainsmokers feat Bebe Rexha

31. Please Me - Cardi B & Bruno Mars
32. Timebomb - Walk The Moon
33. Talk - Khalid
34. A Whole New World - Mena Massoud and Naomi Scott
35. Di Na Babalik - This Band
36. Patawad, Paalam - Moira De La Torre and I Belong to the Zoo
37. Nagbabalik - Rico Blanco and IV of Spades
38. Ikaw at Ako - Moira Dela Torre & Jason Marvin
39. Lie to Me - 5 Seconds of Summer feat Julia Michaels
40. Bad Liar - Imagine Dragons

41. Timeless - Rob Thomas
42. Paalam - Moira Dela Torre and Ben&Ben
43. Dahan - December Avenue
44. Simula ng Dulo - Davey Langit
45. Sweet But Psycho - Ava Max
46. Into the Unknown - Idina Menzel and Aurora
47. Senorita - Shawn Mendes and Camilla Cabello
48. Slow Dance - AJ Mitchell feat Ava Max
49. Lost in the Woods - Jonathan Groff
50. Trip a Little Light Fantastic - Lin-Manuel Miranda

51.  Before it Sinks In - Moira Dela Torre
52. Masyado Pang Maaga - Ben&Ben
53. A Cover is Not a Book - Emily Blunt and Lin-Manuel Miranda
54. Branches - Ben&Ben
55. You Need to Calm Down - Taylor Swift
56. Hey Look Ma, I Made It - Panic at the Disco
57. One Less Day (Dying Young) - Rob Thomas
58.  How Do You Sleep - Sam Smith
59. Take That Man - IV of Spades
60. Show Yourself - Idina Menzel

61. Lost in the Middle of Nowhere - Kane Brown feat Becky G
62. F*** I'm Lonely - Lauv and Anne-Marie
63. Araw Araw - Ben&Ben
64. Con Calma (Remix) - Daddy Yankee feat Katy Perry
65. Hello My Love - Westlife
66. Never Really Over - Katy Perry
67. Old Town Road (remix) - Lil Nas X feat Billy Ray Cyrus
68. Di Ka Mahirap Mahalin - Silent Sanctuary
69. Mabagal -  Moira Dela Torre and Daniel Padilla
70. Where I Belong - Simple Plan, State Champs, We The Kings

71. Motivation - Normani
72, Talk of the Town - Andy Brown
73. Stay Around - American Authors
74. If I Can't Have You - Shawn Mendes
75. Who Do You Love - The Chainsmokers and 5 Seconds of Summer
76. Pauwi Na Ko - PDL, Skusta Clee et al
77. Hanggang Dulo - Paraluman
78. Better Man - Westlife
79. Juice - Lizzo
80. Love Me Anyway - Pink feat Chris Stapleton

81. Alaala - Alekzandra
82. Sucker - Jonas Brothers
83. One Thing Right - Marshmello feat Kane Brown
84. Kills You Slowly - The Chainsmokers
85.  So Am I - Ava Max
86. 7 Rings - Ariana Grande
87. Carry Me Away - John Mayer
88. Ano Bang Meron - Rayt Carreon
89. Good As Hell - Lizzo
90. Pangarap Kong Pangarap Mo - Zephanie

91. Lose You to Love Me - Selena Gomez
92. Boy with Luv - BTS feat Halsey
93. Pag-ibig Fortune Cookie - MNL48
94. Harder - Jax Jones feat Bebe Rexha
95. Kill This Love - Blackpink
96. 3 Nights - Dominic Finke
97. Christmas Tree Farm - Taylor Swift
98. Dance Monkey - Tones and I
99. 10,000 Hours - Dan & Shay feat Justin Bieber
100. The Ballad of the Lonesome Cowboy - Chris Stapleton

***


Tuesday, December 24, 2019

Believe

One of my favorite modern Christmas songs. It just speaks to me on a deeper level now that I'm an adult.

In just a few hours, it's Christmas. It just not the same but you know I'm thankful because despite my general feeling of negativity the past few years, I still get to spend Christmas with my family who are all healthy and away from harm. I feel so ungrateful at times when I feel so resentful about certain aspects of my life but times like this, it does give me a reminder of what I have and how I should cherish the moment,



Thursday, November 21, 2019

Major

So I tomorrow I will try to end one of the things that is holding me back. It's a repercussion of me playing things safe. It's a big move from me and it involves money. I have limited funds so this decision is giving me so much anxiety right now. I could have solved this long ago if I made better decision and took risk earlier but it's too late. Now I have to salvage it before things get even more complicated and give me more anxiety.

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

Cycle

Well, I'm blogging because as expected I'm once again feeling crappy. My backpack which I have been using for years broke big time today. I had to commute so  I placed my bag on a paper bag and just when I was about the ride the van home the paper bag broke, so yeah it was such a hassle. Things got even worse because I had to give up my seat in the van to a middle-aged married couple can seat together. I could't say no because you know an adult man saying no to that is impolite. And it's really no big deal anyway. But the seat I had in return was so cramped. I'm a fat guy so I squeezed myself as tight as possible. And I had to hold this broken paper bag holding my broken bag. My butt and legs were aching all throughout the trip. Add to the stress is I learned my parents had a fight today due to a small thing actually. I filed a leave tomorrow because my parents asked me to look after my nephew because they have something to do but now that they're not in good terms, I had to accompany my father tomorrow because my mother won't go. I was planning to do some work-from-home stuff but I can't say no of course because there would be conflict. I can't openly express my feelings because if they noticed this could lead to another unnecessary issue. I don't want any of that. And it's really just a small thing so yeah as I always I need to adjust so everyone can be comfortable. I know these so-called problems is really just a small thing compared to what other people are experiencing so I need to keep things in check. But man sometimes it's just hard for me dealing with this kind of stuff. The past few years, as shown on this blog, I've been tormented by my frustrations in life. I cope up with this avoiding thinking this way, removing myself from situations where it could be triggered. Distracting myself with the frivolities of life. But ultimately I always end up feeling this way. My insecurity has gotten worst to be honest. You see whenever I see a balding man on the street, I can help but look at their bald spots and imagine that's how I look like now. I thought I could handle balding better but no. I know this is such a small issue but you see I can't deny it anymore that I feel so devastated going bald this early. Why even in this I can't catch a break?
Overweight, balding with a so-so financial status. Oh wow, I do deserve this mediocre life because I'm lazy to take risks. Such a weakling.

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

Damaged Goods

I watched the latest episode of Young Sheldon earlier and unexpectedly got me emotional because of one character. Dr. Sturgis is an old scientist who broke up with Sheldon's grandmother because he is "damaged goods". He had mental health issues and decided that he could not put someone else in this kind of relationship.  She was his first ever girlfriend in his senior year at that! He felt that he is better off alone and not trouble anyone else. Now that he found someone for him, he let it go because he does not want to be the person that drags someone down with him. This show is generally a likable pleasant comedy but it has a lot of heart which is why I'm into it. But I didn't expect to be affected this way. It was the way Dr. Sturgis described himself as "damaged goods" that touched a nerve. It felt like the perfect words to describe how I sadly see myself. I'm damaged goods so I'm better off alone and not pull someone else down with me to the gutter. For the longest time, I thought I'm okay with this. I thought about how I will be at this age back in my teens. But I know in my heart that  I hoped it won't be the case. But looks like it is where I am heading to. I've come to terms with it long ago and but maybe it wasn't really the case because how could a random moment like that on a TV show gave me such feels?

Honestly, I was planning not to dwell with this thoughts but I came home and felt anxious because of an incident. And now here I am typing my feelings away in this blog that has become a repository of my recurring and never-ending anxiety-filled thoughts.

Bury it deep.

Friday, September 13, 2019

Sucker

 Some random thing could trigger this feeling again. I feel so inadequate. At 32 years old, I haven't really achieved anything. In my college days, I felt like I was probably never going to get married and now I'm at the age where a lot of friends and acquaintances are married and raising their  own families and I feel envious. I don't admit it to anyone but yeah I do. I wish I am that stage of my life. I thought I've conditioned myself to have this fate but when reality kicks in, it hits hard. I know married life and raising a family is no walk in the park but still I wish I was in the position where it could be possible. I know still not yet late but I just feel it ain't happening. I just have no capabilities financial and emotional for that kind of life.

I wish I was at least rich you know where I could give at least my parents a luxurious life and where I can give them money that they request me without feeling a little anxious because I don't have that much. I wish I'm the child who was able to give them a lot more of they deserve. They are good parents especially for a sickly child like me. They are now in their 60s and I could definitely feel they are getting old and not the same as they used to be. I'm still able to help financially but just enough to cover the house expenses. I barely have extra to give them more. I wish I was the kind of child that could give my father a new car or  the very least afford all the car maintenance. I wish I was the kind of child that could give them vacations to their beloved hometown or even anywhere.  I wish I could buy my mother a new washing machine or microwave. I wish I could give my father new clothes and shoes. I wish I was able to be the child who spoils them as they enjoy their senior year. But the truth is I just give. enough to pay my share of the electricity, water bill and groceries. Just that and nothing more. It depresses me sometimes that I just can't afford it. '

I feel so envious whenever I see people my age who can buy their own car, own their own house and travel to places for vacation. I can't even shell out money these days to buy new shows and large clothes. I can't even watch a  lot of movies liked I used to. I can't even subscribe to Netflix because too expensive for me.


I really hate how I look. Obese and balding at 32. I look so older than I am supposed. Facing the mirror depresses me so much. I try to be self deprecating about it but this really bothers me a lot. But it's my fault I stress eat. My mother gave me a word earlier because I was this large bag of chips I got annoyed but I stayed quiet because what she is true. I eat too much garbage food and I'm to lazy to stop. I feel heavy. Both literary and figuratively

Earlier I was listening to the radio and the DJs were talking about them getting stressed as they balance work, life and going back to school to take master's. That dream of me again studying again came back and you know I really want to do it but guess can't afford it again.

And there's my journalist dreams. Everytime I read a great piece or listen to a podcast or a great TV show. I wish I can be the who could author that. I wish at least that even if I'm not, I have this great work of passion to be proud about. But I have nothing but just daydreams.


Yes I admit I feel so much envy these days. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I try to contain these feelings but I can't escape from it. It keeps on haunting me.


I know the reason I'm not really successful in life because I play it safe. So afraid of risk. So afraid of rocking the boat. So afraid of change.

Most importantly, I just don't have the right attitude to succeed. I'm okay with mediocrity. That's why I will  never be on top.

Saturday, September 07, 2019

Recurring

Now 32 years old.

And I still have the same issues hovering my mind and my heart. I hate this feeling. On the day itself, I tried to do things to relax which I had for a few hours but then I went back to that nagging feeling of distress that I can't seem to escape. There's always discomfort. There's always that worry. 

I have a weekly source of stress lately. It's so frustrating. It happens over and over again. Last week I tried to escape but it literally welcomed me back. And now I went to do stuff then went back to that again. Can't I catch a break? 

I made certain decisions for the convenience of others. I don't want to deal with the stress that comes with pursuing something that will make others uncomfortable. I'm a pushover. I hate it but I just want things to be as calm as possible. I don't want stress and anxiety anymore so I try to control things to avoid that but there's truly no escape because it keeps on coming back. It finds way to taunt me over and over again. 

Sunday, September 01, 2019

Looming

I'm worried again. I feel so anxious worrying about the worst case scenario. I should relax and think positively but my fear is overpowering me. I'm already thinking on how I would handle the scenario in case it happens. Can I keep myself together if my worst fears come to fruition? If that happens I really need to be strong and calm because everyone else will be in shambles, so I need to be the rock. This pessimism is really just killing my zest for life.

Yesterday I decided to do something personal to take a break from the anxiety but just as soon as I got home instantly stress welcomed at me at the door. I can't catch a break. Like I can't really do something for personal entertainment, The happiness is just fleeting so why even bother.

Now, I'm in a bad spot again but I gotta be strong and keep that facade because hey I have no choice but be that person.

Thursday, August 29, 2019

Outdated

Turning 32 a week from now.  Nothing special planned.  I'm gonna be busy at work because Thursday is always the day where my tasks are piled up. So yeah it will be an ordinary day. I will visit the chapel near the office to pray. My birthday wish is always good health for me and my loved ones and that we  are always away from any form of harm. Everytime I feel so frustrated with some family issue, I always keep in mind that this is still a minor problem and be thankful because things could be worst. And it calms me down and puts me into perspective. So when I feel upset I just keep it inside and just write my frustrations away here on this blog which I believe no I know reads anyway. Blogging in this form is kinda dead.  In a way I like it. I can be open to the universe but barely anyone can read it anymore so I can be more free? I dunno, it's silly I know but it helps me.

I've been having such petty problems that really frustrates me. The shoes I use are damaged, I can still use it so I do. But it frustrates I can't replace it immediately. I can't afford it. My belt is broken too, a superglue just keeping it together. It can't handle my fat. Speaking off, I have a pair of pants that are damaged too. The price I pay for my gluttony.

I have been conscious with my baldness now. I used to be okay with it but I now I wear a cap or beanie in the office. Well, it's cold because of the aircon and yeah I just hate how I look now. I look older than I really am because of my weight and my bald spot. I used to not care but then I had this moment where I looked myself in the mirror and really noticed how ugly I look with this balding hair. I look better with a cap or beanie on covering it. I feel less conscious. I hate the fact that I've lost my hair so young. So frustrating. I don't know what I could have done to stop this. Genes and stress, how can I really fight it.

I'm now again feeling frustrated with my financial status. I've been thinking of talking to my superiors to ask for a raise. But I don't know. I'm too shy and conscious. Last year I did it via e-mail but nothing really happened and I didn't follow it up anymore. So this time I need to tell them personally but I admit I feat of getting rejected. I will feel so bad and maybe resentful. But that's me thinking way too negative early on. Lord please grant me courage.

I don't want to think about it but I can't lie to myself. I feel sad that I will turn 32 in a week and I still feel I haven't achieved anything noteworthy. I'm scared where my future is heading. I feel like I have't really matured enough.  And yeah I feel so lonely. I wish it wasn't this way but it's a lingering feeling I try to fight each day.

Saturday, August 24, 2019

Repetitive

It's so frustrating that you know that it's just not gonna change... ever. You should always be on alert or else chaos begins. So tired of it. I'm tired of sumbat. I'm tired of nothing is really sincere, there's always something you need to owe to someone. So tired of trying to make things OK but know their temper should always prevail and one must bow down to. So tried to bottling emotions up and keeping resentments at bay.  Oh what hell-ish life this is. You really try your best to ignore it because when everything pacifies, it's all okay. But it keeps on happening in your unguarded moments.

I'm so unhappy really. But you must not show it. I keep trying to remind other people have it worst over and over again so this feeling won't eat me whole and keep things in perspective. Most of the time I succeed but there are moments like this as I type this that I am reminded it's really not the case. I don't want to whine but I want to let it all out to keep me sane so I can keep the facade that I can face this and battle all the negative energy being pushed at me.

But for how long can I keep this?

Monday, July 01, 2019

I wish there wasn't a but

Today is my 10th anniversary working for the same company. I made a blog about my first day 10 years ago here.

To be honest, I have mixed feelings. Of course I'm grateful to have a stable job for a decade already. A job in an area where I have so much interest and the company has really been a family to me

BUT

There's a but

I wish there wasn't a but.

I just feel like I should be happier and not just be okay. I don't want to leave to be honest because I really like it here. yes I hate to admit I wish it was more financially rewarding. I just feel like I deserve it.  And yes a part of me is frustrated because I feel like I'm way behind where I am supposed to be financially speaking at this point of my life. I'm not broke by any means but I just have enough to be okay. I wish there was more. I wish my financial status is stronger than where I am now.  I wish I could have saved more. I have savings but it's not as big as I hoped it would be. I wish I could have helped more with my family. I wish I could buy more stuff for my parents. They don't ask me that much but I wish I was the child who could really spoil them and give them luxuries. But no I can only give a little more than enough. I wish I have more so I can replace my laptop monitor. I wish I have more so I can have a printer again. I wish I have more so I can buy my nephew his own laptop. I wish I had more so I won't feel stressed when the going gets tough. I wish there was for me to buy those large clothes and pants that I need because I'm so fat right now and plus size attire is just so expensive. And yes I wish there was more for me to afford to take a risk. Try a business venture or send myself back to school to take a Master's degree.I wish I had more that I won't feel so terrible when I make an impulse purchase. I wish I had more so I can see a movie in a theater on a regular basis. I wish I had more so I won't feel so bad when I want something but I can't afford to do so.

Today is a personal milestone and I hate that there's a part of me that feels this way. This was not what I pictured my life to be 10 years ago. I hate to admit but it is what I feel right now

I want to feel better. I really do. I don't want to feel this way every single time I blog.

Friday, May 10, 2019

Unchanged

Elections on  Monday and I dread the results more than ever. It will be disappointing for sure. I can feel it with actual people surround me. Their choices, the people they will vote for. Charisma is deadly. People CHOSE to ignore the obvious and believes on thing that aligns with what they want to hear.

And the "woke" crowd I find problematic as well. I'm all for educating and enlightening people but the tone is just too antagonistic most of the times. What a lot of people don't understand,the more you berate, the more they don't listen. There's that sense of arrogance and superiority complex that turns people off.  I

This is such a difficult time. I blame social media in a way, easier access to misinformation propaganda.

I'm scared with the future. But you gotta hope.  You need to.

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Embrace the Meltdown

So tonight my mood was again ruined. It's so tough to deal with out of the blue meltdown. The emotional torture is too much. But I have to be understanding. I have to be sensible. I have to be kind.
Think that other people have it worst! Think that life isn't that hard compared to other people. Just think that way.

Thursday, February 28, 2019

FOURTEEN

This month this blog turned 14 years old! I'm really happy Blogger still exists up to this day. I kinda regretted that some of my key blogs died with Multiply before, I should have backed it up here hahaha

Anyway, this place has become a safe place for me of some sort. I hope that I will be able to write better this year and less with angst. Writing my angst here has been a good outlet for me to feel catharsis. But I wish I will be able to write some happier things soon. Less angst, more hope.

God please guide me

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Ten


On my first job interview, I was asked how do I see myself 10 years from now. I remember answering it confidently, “I will be working here on a managerial position fulfilling my passion as I lead the company to greater heights”. I pictured myself earning so well that I’ll be raising my own family with a comfortable lifestyle.  Flash forward today and those 10 years have already passed. This coming March, it had already been eleven years since I graduated from college. So where am I at this point in my life? 

 I was hired by that company but I lasted only three months because I felt that the working culture does not suit me. A few weeks later I accepted a job that is barely connected to the degree I finished but the salary was above average for an entry-level employee so why not? I did very poorly on that job and I resigned after five months. I wanted to spare myself of the embarrassment of getting fired so I quit before they could even do so. In less than a year after I graduated, I already had two short stint jobs. Things are not going the way I was hoping. Scratch that, my life is not heading to the path I wanted. I was so frustrated because back in school I was a very diligent student. I make cautious decisions because I want everything in order and fool-proof. Back-to-back failures are something I didn’t expect I would face post-graduation. Still, I marched on hoping to eventually find my place in the working world. 

One day I actually found myself facing an opportunity to work for a dream company. A job that I’ve been dreaming of since I was a child. But before I could say “yes”, the person interviewing me asked if I’m okay with the starting salary.  Only at that moment did I realize that I didn’t think what I will be earning. I was just too excited that I’m so close on finally landing that dream job. When I found out how much it is, my heart sank.  It was too low.  The interviewer was frank and told me that financial growth in that industry is slow and that only passion can help you last longer.  With a heavy heart, I declined the job offer. On my way home, I kept on thinking if I made the right choice. What if that was the only window of opportunity to pursue my passion? My heart wanted to take the risk but my brain stopped me. It was simply not practical to pursue a job where I would be on the losing end financially. Passion will not pay the bills. Back in college, I was so committed to pursuing my passion but the real world will indeed find a way to challenge the way you view life. 

Letting go of a lifelong dream was hard but I had to move on. When I entered my third job I swore to myself that no matter what challenge or stressful situation I face I won’t back down easily. Fortunately nearly ten years later I’m still here doing a job I’m interested in with a good enough income.  But am I near where I envisioned myself ten years ago? Not even close. Now in my early 30s it does worry me that I may never reach that goal. As much as my idealism withered over time, there’s still that fire in my heart telling me to not give up. Perhaps it will take another ten years or so before I will be the person I wanted to be ten years ago but I will continue walking forward.