Thursday, August 29, 2019

Outdated

Turning 32 a week from now.  Nothing special planned.  I'm gonna be busy at work because Thursday is always the day where my tasks are piled up. So yeah it will be an ordinary day. I will visit the chapel near the office to pray. My birthday wish is always good health for me and my loved ones and that we  are always away from any form of harm. Everytime I feel so frustrated with some family issue, I always keep in mind that this is still a minor problem and be thankful because things could be worst. And it calms me down and puts me into perspective. So when I feel upset I just keep it inside and just write my frustrations away here on this blog which I believe no I know reads anyway. Blogging in this form is kinda dead.  In a way I like it. I can be open to the universe but barely anyone can read it anymore so I can be more free? I dunno, it's silly I know but it helps me.

I've been having such petty problems that really frustrates me. The shoes I use are damaged, I can still use it so I do. But it frustrates I can't replace it immediately. I can't afford it. My belt is broken too, a superglue just keeping it together. It can't handle my fat. Speaking off, I have a pair of pants that are damaged too. The price I pay for my gluttony.

I have been conscious with my baldness now. I used to be okay with it but I now I wear a cap or beanie in the office. Well, it's cold because of the aircon and yeah I just hate how I look now. I look older than I really am because of my weight and my bald spot. I used to not care but then I had this moment where I looked myself in the mirror and really noticed how ugly I look with this balding hair. I look better with a cap or beanie on covering it. I feel less conscious. I hate the fact that I've lost my hair so young. So frustrating. I don't know what I could have done to stop this. Genes and stress, how can I really fight it.

I'm now again feeling frustrated with my financial status. I've been thinking of talking to my superiors to ask for a raise. But I don't know. I'm too shy and conscious. Last year I did it via e-mail but nothing really happened and I didn't follow it up anymore. So this time I need to tell them personally but I admit I feat of getting rejected. I will feel so bad and maybe resentful. But that's me thinking way too negative early on. Lord please grant me courage.

I don't want to think about it but I can't lie to myself. I feel sad that I will turn 32 in a week and I still feel I haven't achieved anything noteworthy. I'm scared where my future is heading. I feel like I have't really matured enough.  And yeah I feel so lonely. I wish it wasn't this way but it's a lingering feeling I try to fight each day.

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