1/3

 Today our salary was given in cash instead of ATM due to some technical issues with the bank. And having my salary in physical form is a different experience. I did a literal budget separated the paper bills to three groups: savings, house expenses, cash on hand. I allocated 1/3 each and it depressed me a little because money is so hard and I really have little room for extra cash. Of course, I'm thankful to have a job in this time but still I can't help but feel so insecure about my financial state. I hate this feeling so much,

35

So today is the EDSA People Power 35th Anniversary and I'm so sad that the memory of that historical moment feels like an afterthought now and some even degraded it. I can't believe that a time like this would happen in my lifetime. When will this madness end?

Fast and Slow

 February is ending this week and here comes March which also signals the first anniversary when COVID19 was pronounced a pandemic and lockdowns begin all over the world.  How could time fly so fast and yet it feels so painfully slow. There's still a lot of mess around vaccines and when and how to open the economy. Then what's really annoying that hey politicking is still pretty present, unwavering. So frustrating really and that I really just want to avoid the news altogether but you need to be informed so yeah just have to control what type of news can consume you and not let it drag everything down. But man it's just so hard. 

Bare

 Something I was putting off I finally made the move today and it wasn't what I hoped for. I got heartbroken but I prepared myself for that turnout eventually. However, a twist of events led me to actually getting something else and at the same time, I was able to open up all these pent-up emotions I've been storing inside me for weeks... for months. It was embarrassing but it felt good to speak it all out. Thank you.

Again and Again

I don't know if this is because of this never ending pandemic and political problems but I just feel so down lately again. I continue to worry about a lot of things to from national concerns to personal problems. I wish it stops because it's quite hard to deal with it on a constant basis while pretending in front of other people that everything's OK. There's just a lot things that remind how everything is right now. How our lives have changed so much. And how it can never be the same again.

Damaged Souls

 As we near the anniversary when the community quarantine order was announced, the more I feel really sad. One year and things just got worse. Somehow it feels like time flies but at the same time everything moves so slowly. Our lives permanently changed. One or way another, we will never come out of this the same people we were before everything went to hell!

Dash

 Went to the grocery with Nanay today and there were barely any people. In a way it's relaxing and those early lockdown days where going to the grocery felt like going to war is long gone. But still it made me think if partly the reason with the lack of people earlier is that people are just struggling right now. We are less than a month away from the 1st year anniversary of the ECQ. Time flies but everything feels so slow. The vaccine rollout is quite messy so another thing to get stresses about really. Is this what it feels like to live in a historical moment. There are so many things I have learned from this but I can't feel at ease because of the uncertainty and general lack of proper guidance and trustworthy leadership. 

Foresight

 Today there was a decision made for the future and while it is needed, I felt pressured and of course for the inevitable but I don't want to happen anytime soon. I don't know why I always think of the bad implications first even if there's a positive direction behind this particular decision. With these decisions as well, I need to be more proactive as well and accept and handle more adult decisions. I'm 33 for crying out loud so it's overdue really but I just feel like I can't handle what lies ahead. I'm just scared of the future but I should change that attitude and be braver. Dear Lord please guide me and my family. 

Knock

 I want to make one move that could help things improve but I can't shake off the feeling of fear and thus keeping me from making the first step. I keep delaying what I should have done long ago. I fear rejection. I fear the spotlight would be put on me when I want to stay as private as possible. But I badly the door that this thing will open if I can be just brave enough to knock. 

Decline

 According to WHO, the GLOBAL  number of new coronavirus cases has declined by 16 percent  and the number of deaths declined by 10% too! This is a promising development and I hope the downward trend continues. This is giving me hope that maybe by the end of the year a semblance of the old normal will return. Please oh dear Lord, let this be the start of the end of this nightmare.