Bye 2020

It goes without saying how terrible this year have been, biggest of it all is the loss of two uncles one month apart. So many challenges brought upon by the pandemic. A lot of frustration with the current political climate. In a year where you just can't shake hands anymore or breathe freely without a mask on, there's a new found appreciation on simple things that we take for granted before. I wish I can say I'm leaving 2020 with less anxiety but I don't want to fool myself because it isn't the case. There's a lot of matters I worry these days but one thing my favorite movie of the year (Soul) taught me is that to obsess less and appreciate more. I'm not saying we should be in denial of pressing problems but just don't let the bad energy consume you. 

May you all have a safe last day of the year and a hopeful new year ahead.

My 10 Favorite Comedy TV Episodes of 2020

 Here is my annual rundown of my favorite episodes of the sitcoms/comedy programs I watched this year. Like in previous years for variety purposes I just chose one episode per show. Check out my top 10 lists over the years: ,2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013,2012

1. One Day at a Time Season 4 Episode 3 "Boundaries"

- The show did the impossible when it got picked for a Season 4 after Netflix cancelled. Unfortunately, due the pandemic production for the fourth season was cut short to just 6 episodes and one animated special and ultimately the show got cancelled again. Those 6 episodes were precious though and had decent de-facto series finale. The third episode where Penelope got caught masturbating by her son and her mother Lydia was petrified. This is a hilarious episode and Rita Moreno's meltdown is so unforgettable. I'm sad the show has ended for good but grateful for these extra episodes we have gotten.

2. The Good Place Season 4 Episode 13/14 "Whenever You're Ready"

The two-part series finale of this wonderful show was so lovely. I'm glad they had that extra runtime to give everyone a closure! Best scene probably the heart to heart between Chidi and Leonor. The quote above waves was so beautifully written. The fun is in the mystery and not knowing what's gonna happen exactly. 

3. Superstore  Season 6 Episode 3 "Floor Supervisor"

This show faced the challenge of doing an episode about the pandemic and losing its lead character at the same time while the episodes tackling both were top notch, the third episode was for me the highlight as we see saw the show work out being set in a pandemic but not overwhelmed by it and how it maximized its ensemble so you won't miss there's lacking with Amy gone. Sadly, it was recently announced that this season is the final one! I will savor the final episodes next year!

4. The Conners Season 2 Episode 12 "Live from Lanford"

I'm a sucker for live episodes and this show pulled it off to great lengths. This episode had the extra challenge of inserting live news coverage about the democratic primaries and it was impressive how they did it so well and main props to young actors Ames McNamarra because he was the one tasked to do the live commentary of the episode as it happens 

5. What We Do In The Shadows Season 2 Episode 5 "Colin's Promotion"

This is my new discovery this year thanks to its Emmy nominations! What a gem! This dark comedy isn't really that dark unlike other cable / streaming comedies that goes too dark that it loses the humor, this one is flat out hilarious! My favorite episode is all about my favorite character Colin,an energy vampire that does not suck blood but life energy by boring his victims out! 

6.  Bob's Burgers Season 11 Episode 2 "Worms of In-Rear-ment"

Since animated shows produce episodes way in advance, it was such a coincidence that they had an episode about a mini epidemic of pinworms within the Belcher family. This was such a hilarious episode that still makes me laugh just thinking about it.

7. Mom Season 8 Episode 5 "Sober Wizard and a Woodshop Workshop"

Another show that lost its lead character with Ana Farris leaving the show this season. All the episodes without Christy didn't feel that much different and this episode was such a good showcase of the cast and it was made special by an appearance of Alvin, Bonnie's ex and Christy's dad who died several seasons ago, via a dream sequence. The rapport was still there and was also quite sweet and showed how much the character of Bonnie have grown. 

8. Modern Family Season 11 Episode 11 "Legacy"

This modern classic ended this year but while I greatly enjoyed the two-part finale episode, the 11th episode was for me the final's season highlight because this was the final appearance of Phil's dad  Franck where they spent one last great day together and then later on it was revealed that Frank passed away. The actor, Fred Willard, passed away 4 months after the episode aired. 

9. American Housewife Season 5 Episode 3 "Coupling"

This sitcom is quite underrated because it's so funny thanks to a great cast and fantastic joke writing. They also do edgy for broadcast family comedy jokes! This episode in particular made me laugh out loud on how the parents reacted when they found their college aged daughter and her boyfriend slept overnight at their house! The way they handled it was so unexpected but so hilarious!

10. Central Park Season 1 "Episode One"

I  watched this because it's from the makers of  Bob's Burgers and I was not disappointed. The best thing about the show are the musical numbers! The songs are really phenomenal! The Bob's Burgers songs are funny and all but this one they really took it to another level This one from their pilot grabbed me instantly. A great mix of witty creative lyrics and fantastic musicality and this episode featured the fantastic number and song OWN IT. 

My 5 Favorite Movies of 2020

Yeah because of the pandemic I've watched very few new films so I didn't have that much to choose from so I'll just pick five that left an impact to me this year.

5. Palm Springs

- A nice and enjoyable romcom with a time loop concept. Cristin Millioti is such a delightful actress and glad to see her around after her star turn on How I Met Your Mother

4. Onward

- May not be a top tier Pixar but still a pretty good movie with a strong message. This lovely tale about two brothers showed sometimes what we've been wanting for us was already there right in front of us but we ignored because an obsession to an idea could often blind us of what is already there. 

3. Four Sisters Before The Wedding

- The prequel to the modern classic Four Sisters and a Wedding had a tough act to follow and I'm happy to say they did a good job that serves as a nice companion to the original. The storylines were all connected seamlessly with each sister getting a fair share of spotlight. The car park confrontation scene is a riveting moment. 

2. Fan Girl

- A sensational film that dig deeps into fanaticism and how it tends to enable problematic behavior because of blind obsession. And this isn't just about showbiz fanaticism too! Charlie Dizon delivered a fantastic performance and the biggest reason why this film was so good and captivating

1. Soul

- A mediation on mortality where it gives you not just the emotional moment but thought provoking ideas on you live your life. I feel like this such a perfect movie to capture the spirit of 2020. Yes there is the loneliness and anxiety we were all been captured by this year but there is also the new found appreciation on matters that we take for granted before. One of the key moments of this movie is when a character "lived" a life through the basic senses - sight, taste, touch. It left me speechless because how often do we ignore these basic senses right? Now in this year where you just can't touch some person easily or breathe freely without a mask on, we totally realized how those basic stuff means so much more. A  movie that makes you realize about this matter is truly special.

Favorites from the past years:

2019

2018

2017

2016

2015
2014
2013
2012
2011

Justified?!

So the issue of unregistered vaccines in the country to give some 'chosen ones' is so stressful because the reach some people are giving to justify the action done is so unbelievable. Harap harapan na tayo ginaganito. There is an admission from certain units that the vaccines given were not registered to the proper authorities and yet being given excuses and requests to not make this a big deal? WHY? For the months we followed every single health protocol in this pandemic, if a simple mask wearing needs to be complied so how come this chaotic and shady unregistered vaccine administration should not be given a big deal? It's so hard to be hopeful in 2021. I feel so hopeless. 

My Hot 100 for 2020

My favorite songs for 2020

1. Blinding Lights - The Weeknd

2. Lifetime - Ben & Ben

3. exile - Taylor Swift feat Bon Iver

4. Before You Go - Lewis Capaldi

5. Pag-Ibig ang Hihilom Sa Daigdig - Raizo Chabeldin, Biv De Vera

6. Paubaya - Moira Dela Torre

7. my ex's best friend - Machine Gun Kelly feat blackbear

8. Don't Start Now - Dua Lipa

9. Adore You - Harry Styles

10. If The World Was Ending - JP Saxe feat Julia Michaels

11. Supalonely - BENEE feat Gus Dapperton

12. The Bones - Marren Morris

13. Sa Susunod na Habang Buhay - Ben & Ben

14. Love Me Anyway - Pink feat Chris Stapleton 

15. Mean It - Lauv and LANY

16. Take What You Want - Post Malone feat Ozzy Osborne 

17. Masyadong Pang Maaga - Ben & Ben

18. Nakikinig Ka Ba Sa Akin - Ben & Ben

19. Tinig ng Mga Nawalan - Danile Padilla, Kathryn Bernardo and Mga Kapamilya Pilipino

20. Ikaw Ang Liwanag at Ligaya - Various Artists

21. Physical - Dua Lipa

22. Stuck With U - Ariana Grande & Justin Bieber

23. Beautiful Scars - Maximillian

24. forget me too - Machine Gun Kelly feat Halsey

25. Kapamilya Forever - Angelo Anilao  

26. Make it With You - Ben & Ben 

27. Say So - Doja Cat

28. cardigan - Taylor Swift

29. Catching Feelings - Inigo Pascual

30. Wondering - Olivia Rodrigo, Julia Lester

31. In Your Eyes - The Weeknd

32. Be Kind - Marshmello feat Halsey

33. Levitating (remix) - Dua Lipa feat DaBaby

34. Imahe - Magnus Haven

35. Di Ka Sayang - Ben & Ben  

36. Intentions - Justin Bieber feat Quavo

37. Ice Cream - BLACKPINK feat Selena Gomez

38. Araw Araw - Ben & Ben 

39. Lose Somebody - Kygo and One Republic

40. Dynamite - BTS

41. At My Worst - Pink Sweat$

42. Mood - 24kGoldn feat Iann Dior

43. Oh Yeah - Green Day

44. How You Like That - BLACKPINK

45. WAP - Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion 

46. South of the Border - Ed Sheeran feat Camilla Cabello and Cardi B 

47. Hindi Tayo Pwede - The Juans

48. Where I Belong - Simple Plan feat We The Kings 

49. TLC - Kyla and Kikx

50. Therefore I Am - Billie Eillish 

51. So Much Better - Evan Olsen

52.  Cuz I Love You - Lizzo

53. Wonder - Shawn Mendes 

54. Banana - Conkarah feat Shaggy 

55. positions - Ariana Grande

56. Godzilla - Eminem feat Juice WRLD

57. MAMACITA - Black Eyed Peas

58. the 1 - Taylor Swift 

59. Rain on Me - Lady Gaga feat Ariana Grande

60. The Box - Roddy Rich

61. Future Nostalgia - Dua Lipa

62. MABUTI - Black Eyed Peas

63.  Say it Again - AJ Mitchell 

64. The Man - Taylor Swift

65. Kings & Queens - Ava Max

66. Que Calor - Major Lazer feat J Balvin and El Afa

67. death bed (Coffe on Your Head) - Powfu feat beadbadoobee  

68. Savage Love - Jason Derulo

69. Put a Little Love on Me - Niall Horan

70. Own It - Central Park Cast

71.  I Hope - Gabby Barrett 

72. My Oh My - Camilla Cabello feat Da Baby

73. Holy - Justin Bieber feast Chance the Rapper

74. Rare - Selena Gomez

75. Roxanne - Arizona Zervas

76. Break My Heart - Dua Lipa 

77. Do It While We Can - Central Park Cast

78. Not Losing You - Maddie Poppe 

79. Kahit Kunwari Man Lang - Agsunta feat Moira Dela Torre

80. Tattoos Together - Lauv

81. Put It All One Me - Ed Sheeran feat Ella Mai

82. Come & Go - Marshmello fet Juice Wrld

83. Bring It On Home - American Authors feat Maddie Poppe and Philipp Phillips 

84. Daises - Katy Perry

85. I Love Me - Demi Lovato

86. Perfectly Imperfect - Jayda and Jeremy G

87. Tick Tock - Clean Bandit, Mable, 24Goldn

88. Alab - SB19

89. Ang Sa Iyo Ay Akin - Aegis

90. Wrong Direction - Hailee Steinfeld 

91. Matches - Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys

92. Slide - H.E.R. feat YG

93. Fall On Me - A Great Big World feat Christna Aguilera 

94. evermore - Taylor Swift feat Bon Iver

95. Bawal Lumabas - Kim Chiu

96. Nice to Meet Ya - Meghan Trainor feat Nicki Minaj

97. Me & You Together Song - The 1975

98. Magandang Dilag - JM Bales

99. Be Like That - Kane Brown feat Swae Lee and Khalid

100.  (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction - Cast of Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist 

***

My Hot 100 for 2019

My Hot 100 for 2018

My Hot 100 for 2017

My Hot 100 for 2016

My Hot 100 for 2015

My Hot 100 for 2014

 My Hot 100 for 2013

My Hot 100 for 2012 
My Hot 100 for 2011
My Hot 100 for 2010
My Hot 100 for 2009  
My Hot 100 for 2008
My Hot 100 for 2007

Snippets 9

I was supposed to go to the office today but without my carpool shuttle around again, I decided against it. I texted my manager that I won't be able to go the office but committed I will do my tasks from home and he said it was fine. It's just 2 working day anyway with national holidays on Wednesday to Friday. But in pre-pandemic times, I loved going to work in between Christmas and New Year because it's so relaxing with no heavy traffic around. And I have an office routine at the end of the year where I clean my desk and put on new desk calendars which I won't be able to do this year. A little sad but with everything that happened this year, it's a small issue now.

***

Still no news when we will get our delayed 13th month. It still makes me sad thinking about it and I admit that perhaps it's a reason I don't have that much drive to go the office lately. I hate to admit that  but gotta let it out.

***

A new year is coming and I should be doing my routine year end list but I don't have that much enthusiasm really but I do want to continue the tradition I have here on this blog so yeah I'll do it starting tomorrow

Soul Snippet

So I saw Soul recently and what can I say? Pixar did it again. Another masterful story that goes beyond kiddie entertainment. Soul is a meditation on mortality with a final act that took it to another level. Life affirming and heartwarming, Soul is a perfect film to cap off in this unforgettable year. Glad to had the chance to see in the big screen because it's such a beautiful movie!

Leaves so much to be desired

 So yeah there was, wait it is still ongoing, press conference by the government about the latest COVID19 developments like the new strain found in other countries specifically UK. There was another questionable moment really where the health secretary said a travel ban isn't necessarily unless there's local transmission in that country. Are we going to make the same mistake twice? Like haven't we learned really? We should be proactive and not reactive. Then there's the insistence of getting a vaccine with only 50% effectivity rate because it is the one easily available for us. Oh my goodness what a  "gift" a day after Christmas. 

A 2020 Christmas

There was an earthquake this morning! What a 2020 type of greeting this holiday! Admittedly, I didn't feel it because I was still asleep when it happened. Thank God, it was not as dangerous that it could have been.

In general it was a silent Christmas. No kids roaming around to ask for Pamasko house-to-house, no videoke even. We went out to visit my uncle's grave and there was no heavy traffic. After visiting his grave, we went home and stayed here all day. Nothing much happened really, people slept or were on their phones.. I was on my laptop and streamed FAN GIRL, a movie on this year's Digital MMFF and I liked it a lot with a strong central performance from Charlie Dizon. 

This day to be honest felt more ordinary than usual but it's okay as long as the family is complete and healthy. That's all that matters really.

This holiday season is, without a doubt, different but if there is one thing I've learned from all of this is that don't let what you don't or can't have blind you from appreciating what you currently have. Be grateful because it could have been worse. 

Merry Christmas!

Silent Night

When caroling was banned this year I thought I would like it. Hindi ako nangaroling noon and I'm not exactly a fan of it but this year I do miss hearing kids outside singing (or shouting) the same song over and over again and me saying patawad. It is so eerily quiet now. It's a strange Christmas but I did try my best today and put my anxieties at the backseat. I'm grateful my family is safe and away from harm despite such a challenging year.  Oh Dear Lord, may the future be brighter. 

Demotivated

 I honestly feel bad that I have less enthusiasm to do things today and not gonna deny it's because of recent events. I'm a mess. I understand why such things happened and yet I really can't help but feel so down. I'm still hoping for some last minute reprieve but it's clear it ain't happening. I'm putting myself in their shoes and I know it must be tough to deal with this and disappoint so many people. I'm still very thankful though I had no salary delay all these months of working from home and staggered days of working at the office. It makes me feel bad that the company is in this situation right now. I feel so uneasy. I wonder if ABS-CBN didn't lose their franchise and they were still in better financial shape, would our projects with them help our company get the funds to provide what we needed? I know for a fact when ABS-CBN became the company's client, it helped the company big time. Our bosses said that before. We recently got a new project with them thankfully but probably too late or not as big to help things out. I wonder if some of my officemates who were pro-shutdown even considered this that if our biggest client didn't get shutdown, it would benefit us as well? Probably not. 

Lousy Feeling

So we received a message from management apologizing for the delay of the 13th month pay and also explaining why it is the case. I understand it totally and I know they are committed to give it to us but the question is when. Tomorrow is the last banking day and I doubt we can make it in time. So for the first time ever, I won't have it before Christmas. It shouldn't be a big deal, right? My sensible side speaks to that but no matter how I try to contain this feeling, I'm just not successful. This unfortunate incident just opened a can of worms. Mostly financial. I really love this job and company, I won't be here for 11 years if I didn't but man it's really hard to not feel  like this. I got left behind. That's the truth. I wish I didn't feel this way. 33 and nowhere in life but stagnant. I know in a time of pandemic and little job opportunities I should be more grateful and I truly am. I just hate the feeling triggered by the delayed 13th month pay. If I were in better financial state, I wouldn't feel this way. But I'm not. I've lived in so much mediocrity for years now. I know it and I thought I've accepted it. But yeah it clearly wasn't the case. 

We Need to Care

 So yeah another day in 2020, another tragedy enters mainstream consciousness. A policeman shot a middle aged mother and and his 25-year old in broad day light in front of his daughter. There was an argument between  the mother and the the policeman's daughter due to disturbance created by a homemade firework. It's a small claims conflict that led to a big tragedy. The video of the shooting went viral and of course people are mad but of course unsurprisingly, there's still those who justify the appalling behavior of the policeman.  I wish I can say I can't believe it but no, this nation had been desensitized by crimes like this. This is what happens when aggressive behaviors are coddled.  I am afraid.

5 Days

 Christmas is near and at least the weather is cold now so at least something from the old normal is felt now. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude towards the holiday season because focus on the positive because it could have been worst, right? It's a different Christmas, the atmosphere is just so sad but hey I think after what we've been through this year the celebration of the holiday should be more meaningful. Yeah, I should keep that in mind and not let myself go down the rabbit hole of sadness. 

OK-ish

 After yesterday's disappointment, I felt  better today basically because I didn't think about it that much. If I don't dwell on those thoughts, then I don't have to feel bad about it again. Anyway, there's still next week and hopefully we can receive it as soon as possible. In a way, I feel bad for wanting to get this money so bad, I feel like I'm desperate for it with the way I reacted yesterday. Oh well. 

Disappointed

 So today we had an office Christmas lunch care of the admin and we really all thought this is the day that we get our 13th month but unfortunately due to unforeseen circumstances it was delayed to next week. Oh well. I totally understand the situation but I can't help but feel down today. I really should have not raised my hopes up and already planned in my head what I will buy. I'm quite ashamed to say this but I shed some tears on my way home. The traffic was bad. The rainy weather made me even more sad. Good thing it was dark inside the shuttle and I was alone in the fourth row so no one noticed I was having an emo moment. I keep reminding myself other people had it worst so I shouldn't act this way The admin committed we will get it next week and I believe them of course. However, I can't help myself because today really made me feel so lonely. I really hate this year. 

Soul

 SM announced today on  Facebook that Pixar's latest SOUL will be shown here in CINEMAS! Of course in MGCQ areas only. It will be shown here on Dec. 25 since Metro Manila Film Festival will go digital this year so the open cinemas needed to find something to screen on that day! I really hope I could watch it on the big screen since there's an open SM Cinema near me! I truly miss being immersed in the cinema. 

Good Sign

An officemate went around the office with a menu from a restaurant asking to pick what meal we like. Apparently, there will be a Christmas lunch here in the office from the administration. I think this will be in lieu of a Christmas party which is banned this year because of you know what. Hopefully, that will be the day we receive our 13th-month pay! Really looking forward to it especially this year. 

Forward

So I learned about some positive development in a major work responsibility I have. I was worried that this certain project was going to end soon due to economic reasons but glad to have confirmation that it won't be the case. I'm glad to be able to continue working on that project because hey it secures my employment first and foremost. There are some changes about it too which for now since quite messy because plans are not yet solid, there's just the general idea and I guess I have to figure things out along the way? It will be extra difficult with the current 'new normal' work setup but I'll manage. I will get stressed but I will find a way like I have always been the past few years in this job. This certain change will also push me to do something I've been mulling to do anyway! In such a tough year, I'm glad to have something to look forward to next year.

Down

 So Google was down awhile ago so all of the platforms it owns were down as well - Gmail, YouTube and  Blogger. Gmail is the one I used for both work and personal so it stressed me a bit although I had no pending email to receive and send but that's just my nature I guess, I just worry! Anyway, I thought my blogging streak of posting daily will end tonight but nope Google services are back just in time! Anyway, it is another hot day today. Summer weather in December, nothing could be more annoying! But this year has brought nothing but strange things really. 

There's a report today about COVID19 cases rising in Metro Manila for the past week, well not surprised given how complacent people have become. But honestly I understand because there's this lockdown fatigue already. However, the threat of this virus is still here. I sincerely hope next year we could see some recovery already. 

Snippets 8

 It's insanely hot today. It feels like we are back in the summer. Yeah one more thing to make this season less-Christmasy! Actually, the humid weather started last night. I do hope there's no big storm coming though because sometimes a weather like this is followed by a typhoon. Hopefully, not! 

***

Apparently, our barangay is now free of active cases which is good news but I feel like it made people more complacent? I saw a birthday party earlier with no social distancing whatsoever then there's a newly opened mini-mall here and lots of people went there! Social distancing in the line entering the mall was observed but still many people. It almost feel like everything's back to normal here, I wish I could be happy with this but I can't help but feel worried. Never be too complacent really.

***

I watched Four Sisters Before The Wedding on iWant TFC PPV. It's showing in a theater near me  and honestly I would have seen it there but the traffic is heavy in that area so not worth the stress! I liked the movie, it's so enjoyable and captured the original movie's essence. Good casting with the younger versions, I really liked Gillian Vicencio, she totally felt like she was a young Angel Locsin.

Whew!

The stuff I was worried about is something medical related to my mother and today felt like it was going the wrong way because her usual doctor  had to take the day off and we were scheduled today to have her laboratory results reading and follow up check up. My mother likes this doctor so much because he explains things thoroughly and has a pleasant appearance that relaxes her. He'll be back Monday but my mother decided to have her lab results still checked by the doctor who is present. We were the only people in the clinic but the doctor took about 20 minutes before he called us to the consultation room. I was worried during those 20 minutes thinking that he found something wrong in the lab results. I knew my mother felt nervous too. When we were finally called in, the doctor apologized that it took so long because he checked all my mother's records in the clinic since this is the first time he will be checking up on her. The lab results were good, nothing really alarming to worry. What a relief! My mother's mood definitely brightened for the rest of the day. 

 Everything just seems scarier than usual these days so glad at least this one concern didn't end up in another stressful situation

Thank you Lord!

Fidgety

 I'm feeling a little paranoid again about some personal stuff. Something pending that really should have been done a few days ago but I didn't push it because maybe I wanted more time to process or I dunno I was scared to know the results early on? But I really should have pushed on that day to get it over with it. I admit I was just scared to face an unfavorable outcome but what's the difference if the waiting game also made me anxious. Next time really I would face it head-on and just deal with the next steps right away.

Grapple

We are near the middle of December and I'm just not feeling it. I try my very best to not dive deep into what I'm feeling these days but there's always that reminder of how things are so different now. How lives have changed so much. I already had the trouble of not feeling the festive season the past few years so what more now in such a horrible year? Then the added sadness of losing a beloved loved one this year just makes it so much more painful really. I don't know what to say anymore. I still worry about a lot of things too. Recently, some of my pre-pandemic anxiety came back in a big way. I've forgotten about it because this year's unbelievable events distracted me from those lingering frustrations I've been having the past few years. Now it's back and coupled with this horrible situation we are in right now, it just makes things even harder to process. I'm just rambling here because hey I'm such a mess right now and I just needed to put to words what I feel and yet I can't find the right words. 

Ready

 My mother finally visited my departed uncle at the cemetery. She didn't go to the wake or the funeral because she said that she wanted to have her last memory of my uncle is when he is alive. I told my father to just let Nanay be and once she's ready, she'll be the one to ask to take her there and she did. Out of the blue she wanted to go to the cemetery to visit my uncle. Nanay is fond of Tito because when he first set foot in Manila, he lived with my parents and he was the one who assisted Nanay in taking care of my sibling who were young kids back then. They really had a close relationship. I remember when he first visited my uncle when he was bed ridden, she was really giving him words of encouragement but when we left the house Nanay said to me that Tito will not be able to survive it, I then said to her to don't lose hope. She said that it was painful to see Tito that powerless. A couple of weeks before he passed, Tito asked my cousin to tell Nanay to cook his favorite sinigang na isda and Nanay of course happily did so. Who knew it will be the last time he will be able to eat Nanay's dishes. Until the very last moment, I was still hoping for a miracle

I grew up with a strong image of Nanay, she's a tough one but the past few years I've been really seeing her vulnerable side. The way she handled her grief with Tito's death is a testament to that. I'm not used to it but I need to be the adult now and look after her more than ever. Same with Tatay too.

So please Dear Lord, always guide my parents to always stay healthy and strong. Please guide me too so I can be as strong as I can to help them. 

A Step

 

Historic day with the UK starting its mass vaccination program against COVID19! The first person to receive the vaccination is a 90-year old woman followed by a man named William Shakespeare hahaha!

I've also read that a year ago the first case of what be called COVID19  was reported in China. The timing of thinsg really! Anyway, this a hopeful sign that soon this will be over. 

Subconscious

 I had an unusual dream earlier this morning before I woke up. It felt like it was a manifestation of some current fears I have right now. I hope this isn't a sign or something. I hope that fear won't come to fruition. I should definitely just ignore but my nature is always to worry even in things like this that really is inconsequential. I easily dwell in negativity. Oh Dear Lord, please guide me.

Dated

 So I inherited my brother's old phone, it's an old model of android phone. It only has like 4 GB phone storage! How primitive! But it's just fine for me. The apps I need are just Spotify and YouTube really. I don't do social media apps, I'm still a desktop user for social media! Anyway, my former phone after 6 years is near dying already so I need to switch already and I'm not feeling to buy a new one really because you tight with money! I use two phones ever since, I need a backup because I'm a just in case person. Technology is moving so fast and I'm actually behind especially with phones! But I don't mind really, I'm more of a laptop person and I don't like having too many apps! I'm contemplating of buying a cheap basic phone really for a third backup phone that I can rely for battery longevity. We'll see if the budget is right!

40 Days

 Today is the 40th day of my uncle's passing. We had the traditional padasal at the cemetery earlier and a small salo-salo after to celebrate his life. It's been 40 days but the sadness is still here. From time to time I still question why he had to leave us soon. Why he had to suffer in such painful way before he passed away. He didn't deserve it. I've accepted that I will never find out the reason. Christmas is near and it will be weird not to see him drop by to greet us. It's still odd not to have him in our lives anymore. 

Changing Screens

So today Warner Bros announced that all their 2021 movies will be streaming on their streaming platform HBO Max the same day as the theatrical release. HBO Max basically just available in the US, so for international theaters, it will still be in theaters just like the upcoming release of Wonder Woman 1984. I have mixed feelings about this because well this is the future I guess but I'm afraid it could kill the cinema experience for good or make it too premium just like Vinyl records are these days. And of course piracy. A good HD quality will be out on torrent once their movies are out on HBO Max. 

Locally, Star Cinema is doing the same with the movie Four Sisters Before The Wedding where it will be available for video-on-demand online and cable/satellite TV but also will screen in cinemas that are open which are the areas under Modified GCQ. So no Metro Manila theaters where the lion's share of the box office comes from. But of course, I'm glad the provincial theaters have something major to play. The business struggled so much this year.

What a moment in entertainment right now we are seeing. The industry is changed forever. 

Admiration

 So there was a meeting at the office earlier and it was actually for just one department but since you know pandemic protocols that meeting had to be done in the open space in the office proper than in the meeting room so yeah even us not part of the department de-facto joined in especially when the company owner spoke which was not planned but he felt the urge to speak out and shared that while the company was affected, like nearly every company in the world, by the pandemic he never thought of giving up and not giving salaries to us. This is totally true and one of the reasons why I admired what the company did for us this year and motivated to do all means to get back to work at the office. Apparently, there are issues with employees (they were not named) that affected a certain project that led to this meeting. One of the managers got emotional when he spoke up and definitely shocked us because he is the silent type. I still have no clue what the problem was but I honestly don't want to because hey it is not my business but this meeting validated my feelings about staying here. I know it's not a high-paying job but I've been here for 11 years because I found a home here and the owner is the person I truly admire. When he said earlier that the company will only close down if he is poor already, I know he meant every word. He then announced that for us not to worry that we will have our 13th-month pay. I didn't worry because I know sir will not allow the possibility of not giving it to us and I was actually not surprised when it was revealed that our 13th month will not come from the company's funds but from his own pocket. He is that kind of man. 

So yeah it ain't easy but hey I will work hard to help the company even more. When he said he treated us as family, I believe it because I feel it. 

Wrapped

 Since subscribing to Spotify in 2015, the year end Wrapped is always something I look forward to. The presentation of my listening habits of the year is so well done and eye-catchy. And of course, as a chart geek I love the stats! I'm just annoyed this year, the Wrapped presentation is available only at the mobile app! I like seeing it on my laptop! Anyway, my my most played song is BLINDING LIGHTS. Released late last year, this song is still a bop, not tired of it yet! My #2 is the pandemic song Pag-ibig Ang Hihilom sa Daigdig from ABS-CBN. The rest of my top 5 are Taylor Swift's and Bon Iver's Exile, Lewis Capaldi's Before You Go and Ben & Ben's cover of Make It With You. My music preference is so adult contemporary now which is apt for my age. I will have my annual "Hot 100" blog post where I rank songs subjectively at the end of the year, will Blinding Lights still be on top? We shall see

On the podcast side, four out of five are local ones! The past 2 years were dominated by American podcasts! My top podcast is The Eve's Podcast hosted by former RX 93.1 jocks Delamar, Monica, Gelli and Jude Rocha followed by the radio drama Dear MOR and another radio-based one is at #5 which is The Morning Rush. Even if they are no longer together, still loyal to my radio idols Chico and Delamar! My only foreign podcast in the top 5 is The Hollywood Reporter's'TV's Top 5 at #3 while at #4 is the podcast from filmmakers Tonet Jadaone and Juan Miguel Severo called Walang Kwentang Podcast which is a funny conversational podcast that was just launched this year.

I love Spotify, it's my new radio really.

Light & Joy

There is a tinge of sadness with a hopeful end in this music video that resonated to me.

It's been a tough year and everything is far from ever but  we can hope that brighter days are ahead. 

 

Qs

 The announcement for the quarantine levels next month is that my province will stay in Modified General Community Quarantine but NCR still unchanged in GCQ. Honestly, there's not much difference between the two essentially these days. At least in the Mega Manila area. Everybody is trying to go back to the semblance of normalcy we had before. Traffic back is a testament to that.  But of course, it still isn't the same as the various closed establishments and the daily over 1K cases would remind you.  Anyway, on a personal interest level, I was hoping NCR will be downgraded for the sake of the cinemas. NCR still in GCQ means cinemas will still be closed and even if MGCQ areas can open their cinemas,  major movies won't still be shown without the biggest markets available. So yeah the chance of seeing Tenet in the cinema here is probably over. Wonder Woman 1984 is eyed for January 8 but a high-def pirated copy will be floating in the Internet by then as the movie will be out in streaming in the US  on Dec. 25 so yeah tough luck!

December na bukas!

Also, nine months of quarantine. 

Damn.

Limited

 My laptop's monitor had been flickering for over two years now but I didn't replace it because well - money reasons - and it is still workable but yesterday it has gotten quite worst that makes it extra hard to work on now. This laptop is just secondhand one I bought from an officemate over 5 years ago. I got it for cheap really and worked so well except for this monitor thing. Now I'm thinking if I should have it fixed or should I just buy another cheap one. It's quite hard because I have limited money to spare so I need to make the wise decision. Honestly, this just highlights how I don't earn strong enough and it makes me sad . I'm so insecure over finances really. I wish I had more but this isn't the year to complain about it because I'm so lucky to still have a job. I have savings of course but I'm so cautious about it that I don't want to spend a huge amount. But this could be the time I might need one. Still, I hate how this simple problem is  giving me such trouble. 

Stuck

 Traffic has been insane near our place! Yesterday, I had a smooth commute back home until we reached the road which normally is just a 5 minute drive away to our barangay but we got stuck for nearly an hour! I had to walk because I can no longer stand the traffic and I was hungry for dinner! Earlier today, we went out to buy medicines and there was traffic at 2PM on the same road! So unusual and annoying really! And we are still not in normal times, right? Just imagine if it was. 

Jolt

 I've been anticipating ABS-CBN's Christmas Station ID this year because of everything that happened in 2020, I was wondering if it can rekindle some Christmas spirit in me which I've been struggling lately. This week our office was already decorated and instead of bringing holiday cheers, it just made me feel sad. This year is just horrible that I can't muster the enthusiasm. Anyway, the lyric video was release and it brought me some smiles. I can't say I'm really in the holiday mood yet but listening to the song and reading the lyrics, it gave me at least some of jolt of happiness. It's a beautiful song, a hopeful one. That's what I need. 

 

Backlash

 A friend made a snarky tweet about a certain foreign music star and it caught the ire of the fanbase of that artist. His tweet went viral to the fandom and they went in droves to bash him on his twitter account. I've read some of the tweets and nasty stuff were said. My friend didn't delete his tweet about that artist but he went private and took some time off the social media platform. I asked him if he's okay and he said he is fine and he can laugh about it now but he admitted he got anxious too. I got anxious too just reading the attacks against him. Social media is such a nasty place sometimes. Even more so now. It takes a lot of mental power to handle that kind of nastiness. I personally won't be able to handle that kind  of online rage thrown at me so that's why I'm careful what I tweet these days especially I easily get anxious too. It makes me sad that the Internet that once was an escape to me feels so dangerous too. Oh life.

Emote

Ever since I watched this performance on ASAP last Sunday, this song has been on repeat. When I first heard it when it was released, I didn't leave that much mark on me but what an excellent live performance can do, eh? This song is so obviously emotional sometimes to a fault but then again it feels cathartic to listen to it! To be clear, I have no love issues similar to this song's story 😛 but Moira is such a good storyteller with her music really. It's immersive! 

Relief

 Accompanied my mother again for her check up regarding her thyroid nodules and we were so relieved that doctor has cleared her for any major disease and that she no longer needs medication for it as the lab results showed her thyroid function is back to normal. My mother was nervous before we went to the clinic so I was really cautious not to show I was nervous as well. Thank you Lord! It's been such a difficult year and just glad at least one worry on the medical side is over. Next month is my mother's routine blood chemistry tests for her diabetes management and praying for good results as well. 

Snippets 7

 Some routine thing for tomorrow that is making me worry a little. I think I should not be but this year just intensified my worries that I can't really be complacent. But please Lord, let us have some good news tomorrow/

***

I usually look forward to December because well the 13th Month Pay/Christmas Bonus but now I'm sure we will have both this year or just 13th Month. Of course, we would understand if it just the 13th Month pay given the year it was. I do feel like the company is in good shape, as best as one could hope for in this economy. I have one project though which fate is up in the air though. I was given a heads up that it could end in January. But not sure yet, there's still some pending matters that could change things. I hope this project continues but of course only if it makes financial sense for the company.

***

I have no more thoughts of leaving my job and the company. I feel blessed and grateful that this company really took care of us in this crisis. I may not have the salary I desire but at least I found a home here. 

It Continues...

 I've been reading news about the second wave of COVID19 in a lot of countries. Some went back or about to return to stricter lockdowns. Here in the Philippines, we have an average over 1K cases everyday, down from the usual 2K but still not a number where people can rest easy to say this is over. It's not. Although I've observed life here in our place is not as strict anymore. Shops don't require quarantine passes. When I went grocery yesterday I was the only one wearing the quarantine pass! It's not a requirement anymore actually but I still wore it because I got used to it and also to remind that this isn't over yet and I should not be complacent. The news of two pharmaceutical companies announcing that they have vaccine that had good effectivity results in the test trials at least gives us hope that by 2021 we can find the road to normalcy again. Of course mass manufacturing and distribution are another story but at least there's something to look forward to, one uncertainty over. But for now we should stay alert. The finish line is still far away but this won't be a never-ending leg now. 

Ice Cream

 Nutrition Month 1996! I was in Grade 3 and this was my first time to ever speak in front of a crowd. This costume was made by my sister's high school boyfriend, haha! He actually used to do a lot of my projects that needs art because he is a good artist! I saw this photo again just recently. Apparently, my sister was hiding our photo albums because his husband was looking for it one time because he is curious to see my sister's ex to tease her lol! Anyway, nice flashback to see this again. I was adorable when I was a kid haha! It also gave me some weird feeling of wanting to have my own mini me someday. I'm not sure if it's gonna happen if you ask me now but you'll never know

200th

 This is my 200th blog post this year! Yeah, this has become part of my routine now. I now feel compelled to write something each day. Anything really. Random ramblings and whatnot. It has helped me greatly to manage what I'm feeling. Especially this year, an unforgettable year. November is about to end and less than 40 days before Christmas. I still get anxious from time to time. I get paranoid still. I can't help it. I just pour my attention to work or distract myself with entertaining stuff. But I don't live in denial of course. You can't escape reality and you just have to deal with a lot of stuff head-on. It's just the way it needs to be. 

Calls

 I read someone's tweet that says you won't be able to change their minds if you call them names. I totally agree with it because even if you have a valid argument but insult them in the process. it will fall on deaf ears to that person because all they can remember are the insults. When you fight with negativity, then they fight back by ramping up the negativity even more. However, I can't blame those who are losing their cool because the level of crassness is just unbelievable. I wish I was an eloquent  guy where I can speak my mind with words that can actually make people ponder but I'm a mess so most of the time I just stay quiet or change topic whenever I encounter people in real life with a problematic opinion. I wish I can enlighten them nicely but really it's hard when some people are so used to crassness, aggressiveness and obnoxiousness already. That they feel the louder, the better. This is the difficult part of this era. Each day I'm so alarmed with what's happening especially the attitude of some people. I really don't like cancel culture because you just close doors without truly hearing each other's side and giving people benefit of the doubt.  What if you can change their mind? What if you can gain further insight why they stick with problematic belief? What if you are blinded by your biases/mindset as well? But those things are not happening right now because healthy discourse is dead. Can we ever have that back?

Cling

There was a meltdown last night and once again overshadowed the true issue. To the surprise of no one, course the cheerleaders and and enablers are doubling down on the negativity and turning things around to make them the "victim". So sick of this merry-go-round. I hope there's a silent majority out there. People like me who are so fed up but just not vocal both in real life and social media. I hope those people will be enough to lead a desirable change in the future. It can't be like this way for so long, right? There's got to be a breaking point that will result to an awakening. I want to continue to believe that there's still hope somehow even if it's so hard because you just feel that there's nothing changing.

Double Crisis

The heavy flooding in many provinces in the country were so depressing that I actually avoided watching the news  and also lessened my time in social media. Watching people suffer is just giving me indescribable feelings. While there's a lot of good thing going on social media like campaigns and calls for donation for those affected but there's a lot of anger too! Justified of course but still it just gives me anxiety. Then of course there's always the dirty side of politics in this even in time of crisis. I can't even fathom how some people act these days, still defending and giving excuses and the worst of it still demonizing those who criticize and turning the tables against them. That's what they are good at really. And sadly they still have clout. It's really frustrating how the discourse have turned to the past few years. I'm so sick and afraid that it will have an repairable damage in the long run. 

Lights

 Ayala Avenue Christmas Lights are now up! Back in the pre-pandemic days, this excites me because the lights are always a sight to see and makes everything so festive. Now, I won't be able to see the lights as I go home early now. Maybe it's for the better because maybe seeing the lights with so few people around will just trigger sadness yet again. No matter how beautiful the Christmas lights are, it just isn't the same anymore. 

Photo from Jeff Hernaez

Trip

I watched the TRIP TO QUIAPO series on iWant TFC site today and it's the TV adaptation of Ricky Lee's  book which has become the local scriptwriting bible. I saw copies back in college and I wanted to but but then backed down because I don't think I'll be ever script writer anyway. But after watching the TV series, it' rekindled something in me yet again. One takeaway I got from the series is the journey is more important than the journey. I could so relate when Ricky Lee said that many wants to be a writer but dislikes the actual process of writing. I'm daring to dream again really but of course having an actual output is a different thing. Who knows. I never thought I will blog again everyday but I did it again this year. But what this year thought me among things is that life is so uncertain that I need to stop putting things off because you'll never know what happens. 

Unnoticed

The images I saw of the heavy flooding in the Northern provinces left me shocked. The Typhoon Ulysses aftermath was focused on the damage in Marikina and Rizal that everyone was shocked when images, videos from citizens spread online last night and finally entered national news on how Cagayan province is in deep trouble with heavy flooding affecting a lot of towns, with families needing rescue. How can vital information such as this came in so late to mainstream and antional consciousness? This is so alarming. There's something truly broken right now.  

Unlucky

Friday the 13th! This day just reminded me of the last one which was in March. The last day of the "old normal". The next day the community quarantine was imposed and lives were put on hold.  Last Friday the 13th was the last time the office was full of many people. It was last time I saw a lot of co-workers too. Some are still working from home, some left. I went back to the office in July but up until now each time I pass by the empty cubicles, it makes me sad. 

It was also the last time that I saw the streets of Ayala busy.  Full of life. Even if the volume of vehicles increased and there's traffic again, there's still a kind of silence that's deafening. That day was also the last time I saw my favorite eatery near the office open. Now, there's a FOR LEASE sign in front of it. I also remember, planning on that day to take a leave to attend my nephew's elementary graduation scheduled later that month. It was cancelled and we didn't see my nephew on stage to deliver his valedictory speech. 

People often say to be extra careful when it's Friday the 13th because bad luck could happen. But nearly everyday since that day in March feels like Friday the 13th anyway.

Off Guard

 So Typhoon Ulysses brought bigger damage than expected. In places like Marikina and Rizal, the floods were so huge that many people were stranded in their homes and for some on their rooftops! Here in our area, there was a brownout from 2AM and last until 930 AM. I was in deep sleep during the peak of the typhoon but I woke up around 4AM with the strong winds slamming the windows and doors. Quite scary, I woke up around 8AM and while it was still raining, it was a lot calmer. Thank God, our place didn't get hit badly. Watching the news and I was so sad to see how so many areas got hit pretty badly. Seems like a lot of people didn't expect that this typhoon will be this bad. There were warning but it was not on the same level of awareness Rolly had, there was a sense of dread during the briefings. 

This news report caught my attention because of the interview of the mayor. His voice was somber and he almost cried. You could see how sad he feels for all those fishermen whose livelihood is in jeopardy

Empathy. It doesn't take that much to emphasize but sadly there are people who have other priorities in this crisis. Not surprised anymore but  I hope the narrative changes soon.

Another Day, Another Typhoon.

Today we are hit by Typhoon Ulysses. Signal #3 in Mega Manila. All day it was raining in Makati but soft rains so I didn't think it will be that hard but on my way home, the raindrops are harder. When I step off the van, the winds were strong and almost broke my umbrella. I've decided to work from home tomorrow instead to stay safe and frankly commuting is a hassle when it is raining.  As I type this, it is still raining with strong winds! Hopefully, there won't be a brownout. I feel for Albay and nearby provinces who were ravaged by Typhoon Rolly just recently and now another typhoon is upon us. While forecast say this isn't super typhoon but still it just making life so hard for a lot of people right now especially now in a pandemic. *sighs*

New Screen

 Over the weekend, we purchased a Smart TV and everybody at the house is excited! Our old boxset TV in the living room wouldn't open and instead of having it fixed my mother said that to buy just a new one, yung uso as she said. I was quite shocked she suggested it since she's very thrifty but she said she has some money saved up and it's better to use it since paper bills were still signed by the previous president. I said that it was still valid anyway since it's still the same money but she insisted that she wants to buy a new one. So she asked my brother to drive him and Tatay to the appliance store to canvass. She actually didn't go inside the shop and stayed inside the car for health precautions. Anyway, my brother was able to find an affordable one which was on sale. It's not the latest version but we really don't care about it as long as it is from a credible brand and has a warranty. Anyway, we set the TV up, setting up the cable was easy but the Internet-based one I was dumbfounded at first but my 12-year-old nephew helped me figure it out! Glad to have a kid here who is techie! I really enjoyed the casting feature the most really. I actually pondered on cutting the cord because our cable company of more than 10 years is annoying me lately because they pulled out Kapamilya Channel after a week and not even carrying the free TV channel A2Z. I complained multiple times but all I get are template replies. Something fishy going on there but that's another story. But do they ANC/Teleradyo/Cinema One/Jeepney TV and well my TeleNovela Channel so I guess I will keep it around for the meantime. It's still the same monthly payment all these years and it's actually cheap. Anyway, my parents enjoyed watching on the YouTube app, they even watched my brother's wedding last year which is uploaded there. The problem of course is that the Internet is sometimes not reliable especially since our Wi-Fi modem is located a bit far from the TV. Anyway, I think it's nice to have something like this at our house, we've been careful with our expenses and I think we deserve a little luxury from time to time. 

I Wish I Was..

 On the alumni FB page of my college course, my former prof who is the department head now asked for our job hunting stories after graduation especially those who didn't land a job in the broadcast journalism or media industry. Initially, I was not interested to answer because I don't feel like sharing because it will open up wounds but then the responses were all engaging to read so I was compelled to share my story. Here is what I posted:

I waited for 4 months to land a job sa isang news media company but exams and interviews lang po eh. I have no connections, just tried my luck but I never really came close. So the first job offer I had - content writing for Internet marketing  - tinanggap ko agad because I wanted to have a job before Christmas. But since it was not the type of writing I like, I lasted only 3 months. Next job was as an editor but for academic journals abroad and it's more on technical editing based on their guidelines. It paid well because it's a BPO company but I struggled because it's not really something I like to do. I continued looking for a new job in my 5 months with that company and finally landed one in a small media production company. The starting salary was minimum but it's a media-related job finally so I carried on. I'm still here 11 years later. But to be honest,  I still had multiple attempts in between those years to look for another job mainly because of financial reasons. My income is adequate but you have to be thrifty to survive, so little room for luxuries. I also have a side job for nearly 10 years (writing movie reviews and community management for a local website) to supplement my income. I won't deny sir that financially speaking working in the media industry is a big challenge. In my mid-20s, I actually had a job offer from a dream media company but then the salary was way lower than my current job so I sadly turned it down. I just couldn't risk leaving my stable job where I am already a regular employee (something that's hard to get in this industry). If that offer happened in my early 20s and still fresh from college I would have accepted it in a heartbeat but I was at a point in my life that I can't afford to do so. I wish it wasn't the case but there I fully realized what "the real world" they were talking about before.

It felt good to share it on a public space. But also sad because I'm not a success story 12 years after I graduated. I wish I was but hey 2020 thought me things could be so much worst.

Hope

 And what a week it was! Biden has been officially won the Presidential Race! His and VP Kamala Harris speech were so beautiful. The past few years I have been so sick of hateful and antagonistic speeches from top leaders that I felt like I was numb already. Those speeches were sensible. coherent and full of empathy. I know the road won't be easy and won't really fix the problems at once but at least today gave me hope that hey there's still room for basic decency in a world where aggressive, in your face pandering to extremes have taken the spotlight. For now I can breathe. 

Closer

 The US Presidential election is insanely close! Edge-of-your-seat race! And because of this I've been reading how US elections work, how the electoral works and I feel like theymade things so complicated when a simple popular vote could suffice but oh well I'm no Political Science expert nor a resident there to say what works or not. But the system is fascinating though. I imagine if this was a system here and if there will be any difference. Probably not though.

Biden is thisclose to winning. Some say it's just a formality now. But you see I will wait once everything is official and hopefully it will come tomorrow. 

Still Counting

 The US election counting of votes is still not over! I'm quite hooked to it actually. I could even say this is exciting if weren't for the anxiety-triggering result if the incumbent wins. This is like a rollercoaster ride and I hope the result will be favorable to my preference. Although I know even if that happens, pandering to division and conspiracy theories will still continue on but still we need to have steps back to respectful and sensible leadership to the most powerful country in the world. Hoping for the best!

Nail Biter

 So the US Presidential Elections is still too close to call. I admit I don't fully understand their electoral college system but based on what I've read it is a neck-and-neck race. It actually made me anxious because even though I prepared myself for an unfavorable result but I'm still holding on to hope for the opposite! I should probably not care because I'm not a citizen but the incumbent is just so deplorable and if he wins again, he will be emboldened to what unfortunately seems to be working for his supporters. I just want basic decency in leadership in the most powerful country to return. I'm so worried. 

Please...

 I'm not even from the US but I'm nervous about their election results today. In the past, I never really cared even in 2016. Now, it's so different because whatever happens today will have an effect, directly or not, on the rest of the world. It's still the most powerful country in the world and all eyes are on this election. I'm nervous because the opposite of what I hope happens then it will just send a statement that the abrasive style will still be loud and pandered on. It will still be chaotic and divisive with respectful discourse still shafted. I'm quite losing hope really with the way things are happening now. I don't know what to feel right now. Maybe I should just stop caring? Is even worth it? I'm powerless anyway. 

Update 4 hours later

Yeah looking like it will be the same again. While I prepared myself for this result, now that this closer to reality it truly sucks

Messages

 Today is Tatay's 66th birthday. It is bittersweet because today also marks the first week since my Tito, his youngest brother, passed away. He actually said earlier that he misses Tito because he will always be one of the first people to greet him via text message. He actually does greet of all of us happy birthday through text message. That's how thoughtful he is. My siblings posted birthday messages to tatay on Facebook and since they are the ones with a wide friend list among Tatay's relatives and former co-workers, there were a lot of sweet messages that came our way and my sister read it to him earlier. There were also a couple of who called Tatay (one video call) to greet him including his eldest sister, who is the only remaining sibling Tatay has now. They usually don't communicate that much because she lives in Mindanao for so long already so this was quite something. But I'm glad because they need each other more than ever now. I've also appreciate the messages that my Tatay received today. I know part of it is also looking out for him after the deaths of his two brothers the past two months. It's been tough for him but he is handling the best way he can, fighting off the sadness and worries.

Oh Dear God, please bless and guide my Tatay. Keep him and our family safe from any form of harm and danger. 

Resilience Ain't Enough

 After yesterday's super typhoon today the sun was shining brightly. It was relaxing to see calm, normal weather again. Mega Manila got lucky the wrath of Rolly didn't hit the areas hard. Unfortunately, not the same case in Albay, Batangas, Aurora, Quezon, and Catanduanes among others. There are places that all systems of communications are down so they can't be reached so no clear information yet of the extent of the damage. Typhoons are so normal in this country but this year is just extra difficult. Imagine if you are one of those who have to evacuate. You are in an evacuation with other people, many families, with the danger of exposure to the virus. So many worries. So much stressful situations. And oh some will romanticize their hardship as "Filipinos are always resilient" yeah that's true but stop romanticizing it. There should be more, we couldn't just rely on resilience forever. We deserve more

Signal #4

 Cavite is now under Signal 4. The expected landfall of Rolly here is between 4-7PM tonight. As I type this the rain is minimal but STRONG winds. Lakas ng kalampag ng mga yero sa paligid

I hope this won't be as hard that will affect electricity. Major concern right now although we have prepared for batteries and all phones are charged up but still a stable electric connection is needed. This is the most alarming typhoon since Yolanda. Apparently, this is the most hard hitting typhoon of the year, not just here in the Philippines but the world! Oh my goodness. God help us

Rolly

So there's a super typhoon coming today in the country and the warning is quite alarming. Here in Cavite it is signal #2 but it is humid as I type this which is alarming because this could be the calm before the storm? I hope it won't be a s bad Yolanda, Ondoy and Milenyo. This year is already tragic.

Wavering

 I went back to the office today and my mind was occupied with work but I have this flickering moments where I suddenly think of my departed Tito again. Flashes of his final moments especially when he suddenly cried after a long moment of his eyes just staring blankly. That flash of emotion, his last one, really left a big mark on me. Those were tears of heartbreak as he is about to leave us. As much as I try to console myself that my uncle's passing is for the better, so that the pain of his bone cancer will no longer be felt, but still I'm still so heartbroken that I will no longer see him. That I will no longer hear his voice. Tatay said he just wants to pretend that Tito is just away at work so busy and has no time to visit us which was actually the usual thing with him. I wish it were true.

Strong

 My uncle was laid to rest today. Last night it was raining hard and we were worried that today will have a typhoon but thank God the weather was good and we were able to say our farewell without the difficulty that a rain could bring.

I'm gonna miss my Tito so much, he is young just recently turned 56 years old. I'm looking out over my father, his older brother, he handled it as best as he can but I know it was really hard for him to lose his youngest brother so early and add to the fact he lost his two other brothers, one just last month and the other exactly a year ago. Earlier on he asked me to delete the phone numbers of his deceased brothers on his phone. It made me sad to do that but I totally get where he is coming from. It's his process of letting go. He was really hungry when we ate a fast food after the funeral service. He didn't have an appetite earlier too and just ate one pandesal and drank milk. I was with him during the service and he was asked to speak but he could only last a minute before he passed the mic to a cousin. He was just emotional to carry on. He also couldn't look when Tito's coffin was being buried to the ground already. I went with him when we were standing under a tree nearby and chatted him to ease the burden. 

Dear Tito, please guide my father and help him stay strong. It will take a lot of time before he can get move on from this grief but please guide him from up there so he can stay strong. Don't worry as well, we will be there for Auntie Rose and Ralph & Daniel's family. 

No words can fully explain how I will miss you so much. 

Unfair

My uncle will be laid down to rest tomorrow Thursday because due to the pandemic protocols we can't have the traditional weeklong wake. Even if we could only have the wake for 2 nights still glad we still get to honor his life because if he passed on during the peak of the lockdown here, he will have to be cremated immediately even if the cause of death is not COVID19. I went to work today to fix some things needed because of course I will be there to witness his final resting place. Nanay won't come though because she will look over my nephew who still has online school to attend to. She also admitted that she doesn't want to see my uncle lifeless and wants to preserve his memory of being alive and healthy. My uncle is close to Nanay and one of his last requests was to have Nanay's homecooked meal of a fish dish he loves which Nanay of course willingly did it for him. Tatay is so far holding up fine, he is chatty person and was able to take care of the people who visited the wake today be it relatives or my uncle's co-workers. He actually met the company president of my uncle's workplace. He had  nothing but good words to my uncle and he expressed what I've been feeling as well that he truly didn't deserve to have such debilitating illness because of how hardworking, responsible and honest person he is.  Life is so unfair. 

Thank You Tito

 Today we lost our beloved uncle Tito Romy. An unforgettable moment because I was there on his last few moments. I heard his last breath. The last time he cried will forever be in my mind. It is bittersweet because the physical pain finally ended but still losing him will leave a big hole in our hearts. I'm looking out for my Tatay because he lost 3 brothers in a span of a year. So far he seems to be handling it as best as he could but I know he is in deep pain. I woke up early this morning because my phone was ringing and it was Tatay but I missed the call. I thought he was just waking me up to eat breakfast but when I went to the dining table, he wasn't there and Nanay said he went to Tito's house because my aunt called. After breakfast, I went there and saw my aunt crying and their neighbors and friends were all there consoling her. Tatay told me Tito is dying so he asked me to go to him and say my goodbyes. And there it was I saw my uncle having difficulty time breathing and his eyes were blank. I knew it immediately the end was near. I said to him that don't worry that we will look out for his family and that if he wants to rest, he can do so. I thanked him a lot for all the things he has done for us all these years. My father left because he had something to do at home and I stayed by my Tito's side while my aunt was calling her sons. My youngest cousin was driving because he just arrived at work when he was informed of my uncle's situation so he had to leave fast. My other cousin was on his way. My aunt was telling my uncle to hold on and wait for his sons to arrive but my uncle was struggling. One of their neighbors initiated a prayer and after the prayer ended, he held his last breath. We shouted his name but he was no longer responding. It hurts because his sons didn't make it on time to say goodbye. Tatay too wasn't there at his last moment but he did say his goodbyes earlier on. But maybe Tito wanted it that way, that his beloved Kuya and sons won't see him die in person. 

What made this day even sadder? Today is also my auntie's birthday. Did he fight to make it on her birthday at least? We will never know but I won't be surprised if in his heart he did try to make it to celebrate his wife's birthday but sadly he didn't make it the entire day.

 To be honest, I still can't fathom why a kind, responsible, and loving man had to suffer like that. Maybe I won't know the reason why it had to happen this way anytime soon. For now, all we can do is pray for his soul. Maraming salamat Tito. Mahal na mahal ka namin.

Quinta

 Typhoon Quinta hit hard last night and well until earlier today especially in the southern Luzon provinces. Here where I live we were on Signal #2 and last night the typhoon hit hard with strong winds pushing our windows. There was a short power interruption too! There were cancellation of classes too even if it is now remote/online because there could be power interruptions, floods at home and Interne signal problems too that will affect classes. Good thing I'm work from home today and tomorrow so I won't have to worry because this weather could be a reason to get a common cold or flu and that's a no-no during these times. 

To be honest, I prefer the inconvenience typhoon brings because at least we could still function normally unlike this pandemic with its long-term effects and endless uncertainty. Oh well. 

Praying for a Miracle

I had a stressful morning today because of an uncle in a health crisis and there was some emotional moments that led to a misunderstanding. But good thing a bigger conflict was halted and cooler heads prevailed. It was just a conflict driven by the stress and frustration of what's currently happening to our uncle who is in a state that's so depressing to see him struggle. To  be honest, a miracle is needed to save his life. It's so painful to see him in pain, we don't want to give up but is better to let go? I really feel for my cousin and auntie, they are in an unbelievable situation right now. Oh Dear Lord guide us. It's against realistic odds but can there be a miracle, please? 

Groceries

I've been doing the grocery halfway when the lockdown started and continues to do so until now. My parents stayed in the car while I was inside the grocery. They just want to go out really even if they don't step outside. Totally understand, especially my mother who was mostly stuck at house due to the lockdown and the medical issues she had this year. She's already happy she can go to the market now. Anyway, since the provincial government already allowed entering the malls and groceries without quarantine pass, it was less strict to enter the grocery now. Just the usual temperature check and log in. I still wore our quarantine pass just to be sure really but inside I noticed I was the only one still wearing one! I like grocery shopping because it is kinda relaxing in a way? Ever since I was a child actually because I was one of those kids who rode the big cart when I was small! I've always accompanied my mother even in teenage years. We even had experiences of carrying 4-5 grocery bags while commuting from Alabang or even Makati to Cavite. The two jeepney rides we took and even crossing the streets! Quite a hassle really but looking back now I was trained early on! But damn what you could buy with 1000 back then but now oh well 1K won't be enough for a big family really. The experience I had doing grocery shopping by myself for the family is a good learning experience to me. 

Dim

 Traffic on the way home is horrendous. As if we are back to normal times. It annoyed me so much because while restrictions are loosened up, there are still restrictions. We are not back to regular programming despite the return of traffic back into our lives. The holidays will be guaranteed different now and it saddens me so much. No bright Christmas lights in malls can brighten up the atmosphere. 

When?

I'm not really an outspoken guy. I try to avoid toxic personalities. They stress me out. But sometimes I just can't handle it anymore. Especially in this era. I'm so sick of obnoxious people and the people who cheer them on. But I'm not gonna lie I'm scared as well because they have clout. They are in position of control. I'm not really brave. I worry easily. I chicken out of confrontations. I'm quite ashamed of this. It's so frustrating because there's so much maddening and alarming things happening around. I hate that they are winning. When will it end? When will common decency and respectful discourse return? 

Hopeful

 Jeepney rides from our place to Alabang will finally return tomorrow! Very happy for the drivers after those agonizing months of not being allowed to. Traffic will be a lot more difficult but hey people can finally have their livelihood again. The governor also announced today that malls in the province will no longer require quarantine pass to enter the mall. That's good for the business inside the malls, may they have a fighting chance right now. Today's reported confirmed cases is 1, 509 which the lowest since early September.  That's a good sign but of course nothing to celebrate just yet because tomorrow cases could go back to 3K again but really hoping it's truly a sign of a good downward trend. Life will still not go back to the normal we knew anytime soon but I'm holding on to hope that the worst could be over. Please dear Lord, please let this be the start of something better soon. 

New Ride

 We have a new carpool driver starting today as the previous one texted us passengers that he won't be available for the next two weeks. I didn't ask why but I'm a bit worried for him. I hope it's not a health issue. The past few months I've been riding his vehicle, I've felt really comfortable and safe to go to work. He really takes good care of his passengers so I hope the reason for his absence is not something delicate. Anyway, the new driver is also a good one alert and makes sure his vehicle is clean and he is quite OC so that's good. It was raining all day so having an accessible and comfortable way to commute is such a relief. 

Struggling

 My sister told us how the company she's working for is really struggling right now. It's a small company that was directly hit by the pandemic. The restrictions just made it more difficult for that line of business to survive. For now, her boss will try to make it work but the challenge is very high that her boss asked her if she's okay with a pay cut just until the company recovers. She agreed because well she wants to show her support to her boss. Tough times really. Recently, there was news that there are companies that may not able to give 13th month pay for the holiday season. It made me think of my company as well. I'm quite confident our big boss will of course give us one because even in the years the company had financial troubles, he still made it work. I feel the company right now is in good shape relatively speaking of course. I'm quite thankful for that really. The economic fallout of this pandemic will linger on for so long. I'm quite scared with what the future beholds. 

Snippets 6

 I was able to listen to mass today after SEVEN months! So glad the subdivision chapel finally had a mass. There's pandemic protocol of course, we had to register before entering and we were given "Seat numbers". The allowed capacity is a little over 100 people. In my estimate the total number of mass attendees were above 90. So not bad really and only two people were allowed each bench. Prayed hard today and it was soothing to the soul.

***

Nanay finally had to chance to go the market today! During the months that we were the ones doing it, we could never satisfy,there's always something wrong with the fish or produce we bought, hindi sariwa, masyado raw mahal etc. She's really good at this, she was able to haggle to such good prices to her sukis!. Glad she was able to finally do this again.

****

My sister needed something printed for work and all the Internet shops near us closed down during the lockdown. Found one with 15-20 minute walk from our house. Printing cost was cheap just one peso per page so it was worth the walk! The shop also issues receipts which my sister neede for reimbursement. The shop is a part of a family business located in one commercial space composed of a barber shop, pharmacy and sari-sari store. Glad to see some business thrive.

Some Steps

 Earlier I noticed the checkpoints here in our barangay have been dismantled. I guess it is because they have been causing traffic with more vehicles on the road now. But I did read in our official barangay Facebook that there are now 4 active cases and we haven't had a new case in a few days. So that's good news. Also read that the jeepney routes here to Alabang will come back soon! Happy for the jeepney drivers here, finally! I will still ride the carpool to be honest because it's more convenient but at least good to know I now have another option which hopefully will be cheaper. There was also an announcement that the chapel in our subdivision will finally hold mass tomorrow! Daily cases here in the country is still over 3K regularly so yeah still no signs of this virus not posing a threat anytime. But still, these pieces are good enough to give me some hope things will be fine eventually.