Kutitap

Hey, there! It's December tomorrow! I wish I could feel the same excitement I had but oh well I long accepted it will never be the same. But we put on a lantern at our house today, it was a hand me down from my brother's boss. It's an expensive lantern and it looks lovely. It brought some magic but then some things just gave me another sinking feeling. Oh well, let's go and move on. 

Zumba

 Always finding an issue to get worked up on. I am so tired but hey gotta put on a brave face and and pretend not to get affected by the endless barrage of ranting and feeling victimized.  Oh well. Another day, same dillemma. 

Shade

Yeah, beginning to see some problematic patterns. Still generally nice, but I've been seeing the loopholes here and there. I also feel like they are constantly seeking trouble too when they could avoid it. Unfortunate for me because I am trapped in the middle of it all. No where to go. Just need to soldier on as always. 

Pup

 Only 15 minutes left and I'll check off one thing on my to-do list, I have two, actually 3 more to do. Come on, let's do this. I really need it badly! I'm just annoyed because there are underlying things that comes with pushing to do this. I made accommodations for the last 3 years or so to my detriment. Recently, I chose to put my foot down because I've had enough of the unnecessary stress that I have to face. Hopefully, nothing will happen to force me to do it again. 

Environment

 I'm getting stressed absorbing other people's stress! Why do I have to be this person who people are comfortable venting their worries, annoyance and grudges! I totally get it, people need an outlet to speak their heart and I appreciate that they trust me but it's getting too much and I'm afraid I will snap at them one time and say don't make things such a big deal! I don't want to happen. Lord, please help me be strong mentally and emotionally, it's so hard. 

Juggle

Oh, so many things to do this week and I hope I can accomplish them excellently! Things will be overwhelming, but this is what I wanted anyway! So let's go and do it all! But now I have to sleep to recharge!

Kevin

 Listened to a very good episode of the podcast Heavyweight (Kevin). It's about two long-lost friends who finally got in touch with each other again. Both had difficult and traumatic childhoods but their childhood friendship held them together. What happened all those years when they got separated abrupty was quite riveting to listen to. They were open and vulnerable when they were telling their storie and it really left a huge impact to me! I will listen to it again!

By Proxy

While doing my weekly palengke run, I bought on a fish stall that I haven't tried before because my usual sukis are jampacked with people and this one had no one it so might as well try and while the vendor was cleaning he asked me if I'm the brother mentioning my Kuya's name and when I confirmed it, he suddently gave me a discount. That's quite nice and yeah maybe I'll buy again next week!

Flash

During moments of impatience and weakness, I try my best to get over it quickly because I'm scared that I'm neglecting the present so much and things could go worse so I should be thankful. I really am. Especially every once in while I will see things that really makes me sad and scared too. I feel like that it's some kind of reminder to me to be appreciative and not give up no matter what. 

Bare

 So without planning to do I became totally honest someone moments ago. Something I've been keeping for so long. Something that has been torturing me for quite some time. Let's just say I pushed myself to do things because of pressure. I felt free. There's a tinge of worry too but at least I spoke my mind. What I truly feel. May I make better decisions soon. 

Wild Boar

 Glad something pulled through just when I needed it the most! As the year is nearing the end, really hoping for more good news! There has a lot of things that stresses me out on a daily basis that I even other people's negativity so I really needed a win, any kind of win!

Keys

 Saw something where I'm interested in  pursuing but I can't due to other factors. It makes me feel bad but I don't want complications. I do wonder though how things could be better for me if I can pursue it but then again I know it entails a lot more and given how messy my mind had been, might not be good fit. 

#16

 So all day I've been so paranoid because of this mistake. I really hope I'm just overthinking per usual and nothing really awful happens because I don't know what I will do if it happens. Really praying hard for no repercussions.

Bite and Chew

 And now I'm worried again because of me getting to complacent, I opened up a possible problem. But I worked hard for it not to happen but my time management was a mess so yeah it got messed up. Please, don't let this be a big problem. Lesson learned for me not to allow myself to carry so much burden just for other people to feel better. Yes, I can help but learn my limits. Oh dear Lord, don't let my fears happen. 

Tree

 Christmas tree is now up at our house today. I wish I'm still that kid who feels excitement over the holiday. Just not the same and  I know many adults feel that way. Just sucks. But I won't be a grinch and try not to let negativity feel my spirit. I have things to be happy and grateful for. I should be thankful for that. 

Stark

 I finally said something I've been keeping for quite some time. It felt good to be honest and  I hope I was understood. I overcompensated on some things plus I tried to please people to my detriment. Hopefully, things can get better. 

Don't Dwell

 If I flip out for real everytime I feel stressed or frustrated, the world around me will crumble. Or at least that's how I feel it. I'm tired of people choosing to be stressed rather than letting it go and focus on thing that will alleviate that negativity. Yeah, it does not really solve anything but at least you don't make yourself miserable. It's so frustrating!

Usury

Excited to work on some new things soon but still hoping for more. And this is me after doing a LOT of this the past weeks but it just isn't enough to maintain things and be stable. Also, hoping to squeeze in some personal leisure time soon, I deserve it!

Pole

 What you don't know won't hurt. Ignorance is bliss. Yeah, they are true. But still being aware that you are aware of something looming but you just want to look the other way is terrible too. No winning option. Suffering all over. You just have to toughen it up because there's no other option. Face it. Deal with It. Be strong for them. 

Skated

 I held off the truth. Okay, I lied. It's to protect them and me too. But I'm know I'm just delaying things but there's no point in making them worry now because they don't handle things like this well. It sucks really but I have to balance everything. But I really hope and pray things will get better. I'm trusting my instincts here. I really hope and pray this is right. 

Reliable

 It was quite distressing to be without electricity for 5 hours just when a typhoon was about to hit (no hard rains here but strong winds). The data signal was not stable as well but texting and calling were working fine.  The battery powered radio kept us updated and it really has some comforting effect to me. Yeah, modern technology is so convenient but never count out on how old tech can still be reliable in times like this so I don't take them for granted.

Standby

 It's gloomy and raining but thankfully not on a supertyphoon level. At least not yet, but hopefully not. Heavy rains are scary, so I really hope and pray that things will not be as terrible as they could be. 

Dracula

 So near yet so far away. This big burden I got myself into is nearing the finish line. I enjoy doing it but it's so time-consuming because I want to do it well. I wanted to help but then I realized I got myself into this mess because I let negative energy seep in and made me to do this thinking it would alleviate some burden but I passed it to me and it's too late to change course. It's been a chaotic every other week, I could have done better handling this but I got messy and lazy. Lame excuse but this is such a big lesson to me. Be carereful next time. I did it this week when I beg off something that would cause me so much stress! So hopefully I handle things better from now on. 

Uwan

 The images of the looming supertyphoon coming to the country is quite scary! Hopefuly, it won't really hit hard. Today's weather is good but you see I'm scared that it is the calm  before the storm. I have a lot of things in my mind and scary weather will add up to my anxiety! Oh dear Lord, please protect us. 

Andalucia

 Listening to IV OF SPADES' new album ANDALUCIA and as the kids say NO SKIPS! I love every single track! My favorites are Konsensya, Monster and Nanaman! But seriously all 12 songs are great!

Ways

 It's hard to deal with people's temper and anxiety. How to balance it so they don't go overboard and for me not lose it. It's very difficult to manage, really. I want to give up, but I can't. I don't want to feel it over and over again but it's the cycle of life I guess. And I was again reminded how the worst thing didn't happen so I should be grateful which I am really. I feel guilty sometimes too because I feel tired and I don't think I should feel that way. My life is such a mixed bag. I just want stability in all aspects but I know that isn't how life works. Lord, guide me. 

Fails

A bit annoyed that some things can't smoothly but since beggars can't be choosy so what else to do but endure as always. Make things work as you can. It's getting stressful again but hey let it be, 

Josie

 Watched a 90s romcom on streaming while doing something else. It's not really a tightly written story, it's so basic but it has its charms and that 90s vibe just makes me happy because well it just takes me back to a period of time, a period of innocence, a period of wonder. It will never be the same again but from time to time, it's nice to be reminded of that time. I totally understand what the adults were saying when I was kid when they reminisce the past.

Hear Say

 I'm in a rabbit hole of what happened to British (and adjacent) pop groups in the late 90s and early 00s aka my pre/teen era of loving pop music. Just interesting to go back in time and find out what happened to these groups because for most of the time they had hits here in my country, I just knew the songs and not the story. Which is probably for the better because this is era of parasocial relatioships with celebrities just ain't good!

Online

 I just stumbled this special feature on Canadian TV about exploring the internet 30 years ago when only a privilieged few can access it but the expert said some things here that actually happened today especially "content creation"