Friday, September 13, 2019


 Some random thing could trigger this feeling again. I feel so inadequate. At 32 years old, I haven't really achieved anything. In my college days, I felt like I was probably never going to get married and now I'm at the age where a lot of friends and acquaintances are married and raising their  own families and I feel envious. I don't admit it to anyone but yeah I do. I wish I am that stage of my life. I thought I've conditioned myself to have this fate but when reality kicks in, it hits hard. I know married life and raising a family is no walk in the park but still I wish I was in the position where it could be possible. I know still not yet late but I just feel it ain't happening. I just have no capabilities financial and emotional for that kind of life.

I wish I was at least rich you know where I could give at least my parents a luxurious life and where I can give them money that they request me without feeling a little anxious because I don't have that much. I wish I'm the child who was able to give them a lot more of they deserve. They are good parents especially for a sickly child like me. They are now in their 60s and I could definitely feel they are getting old and not the same as they used to be. I'm still able to help financially but just enough to cover the house expenses. I barely have extra to give them more. I wish I was the kind of child that could give my father a new car or  the very least afford all the car maintenance. I wish I was the kind of child that could give them vacations to their beloved hometown or even anywhere.  I wish I could buy my mother a new washing machine or microwave. I wish I could give my father new clothes and shoes. I wish I was able to be the child who spoils them as they enjoy their senior year. But the truth is I just give. enough to pay my share of the electricity, water bill and groceries. Just that and nothing more. It depresses me sometimes that I just can't afford it. '

I feel so envious whenever I see people my age who can buy their own car, own their own house and travel to places for vacation. I can't even shell out money these days to buy new shows and large clothes. I can't even watch a  lot of movies liked I used to. I can't even subscribe to Netflix because too expensive for me.

I really hate how I look. Obese and balding at 32. I look so older than I am supposed. Facing the mirror depresses me so much. I try to be self deprecating about it but this really bothers me a lot. But it's my fault I stress eat. My mother gave me a word earlier because I was this large bag of chips I got annoyed but I stayed quiet because what she is true. I eat too much garbage food and I'm to lazy to stop. I feel heavy. Both literary and figuratively

Earlier I was listening to the radio and the DJs were talking about them getting stressed as they balance work, life and going back to school to take master's. That dream of me again studying again came back and you know I really want to do it but guess can't afford it again.

And there's my journalist dreams. Everytime I read a great piece or listen to a podcast or a great TV show. I wish I can be the who could author that. I wish at least that even if I'm not, I have this great work of passion to be proud about. But I have nothing but just daydreams.

Yes I admit I feel so much envy these days. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I try to contain these feelings but I can't escape from it. It keeps on haunting me.

I know the reason I'm not really successful in life because I play it safe. So afraid of risk. So afraid of rocking the boat. So afraid of change.

Most importantly, I just don't have the right attitude to succeed. I'm okay with mediocrity. That's why I will  never be on top.

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