Test

Nanay's blood pressure and blood sugar went up last night and it was really so stressful as we rushed her in the nearby clinics but both were closed this quarantine period. They were 24 hours before. So we went to the nearby small private hospital. She was given medicines and injections but her blood pressure was still up and my mother asked if she could be confined but the hospital begged off because apparently they think they're too small to handle it and could be risky. So went to a hospital in Dasmarinas, when she was checked upon by the nurse her blood pressure went down although still above the safe zone. The nurse told that she could go home and just take a rest and take maintenance medicines. Nanay wanted to be confined just to be safe but the nurse told her that due to the pandemic their protocol is to have anyone take the COVID-19 test before they get confinement. Of course my mother begged off. We signed a waiver that it was her decision not to take the test.

We got home around 2AM and my mother didn't have a good sleep because she was worried. We barely slept as well. Later this morning we checked her blood pressure and it was high again so we rushed to the clinic and she was given advice to just take the maintenance medicines and take a rest. She went home and she finally had a good nap. When she woke up, she's feeling better now. Right now as I type this she's taking a rest. I'm so worried but I need to calm down. God will protect Nanay.

***

Tomorrow office resumes but I won't be able to go due to lack of transportation. And honestly I just don't feel safe to be out there and get exposed. I want to go to back to the office badly but I don't have the means. It's making me feel so torn but what can I do really.

***

June is coming and usually around this time I often feel like time flies so fast. But not this year. It's so slow. 

Worried

Nanay can't sleep so we had her blood pressure checked and she has high blood pressure. She feels some chills so Tatay and Ate is currently bringing her to the nearby clinic. Hopefully, it's nothing major really. But I'm terrified. It's not the best time to get sick. Please God let not this be a big health issue.

1K

DOH delayed their daily reporting of new cases from the usual 4PM to past 9PM tonight.  They said they wanted to validate the backlog of cases and add more context in the reporting separating the "fresh" cases which are recently validated from the "late" cases.

Fresh or late, over 1000 confirmed new cases are STILL ALARMING!

Chaos

So June 1 Metro Manila will now be in GCQ. Work will resume but public transportation will be restricted and honestly I don't know if there's  a way I can go to work with vehicles limited in capacity. In the "old normal" commuting is already hard and that's with several PUVs available in full capacity. I will not to go to work on June 1 yet, too risky. But I know I eventually will have to go back to the office because the past days working from home's limitations have  stressed me out. I'm willing to go to work but HOW CAN I GO THE OFFICE? That's the question.

Proud

Today is Nanay's birthday and she ordered food for her handa from the  mother of  my brother's childhood friend. She never does this because she loves to cook or at least buy takeout at the fast food she loves. She'll never admit it but I know she did it to help someone out in this trying time. Tatay meanwhile had been consistently buying merienda from someone in the subdivision who had been selling it house to house. Sometimes we already ate but when this person comes in, he will still buy. I'm very proud of my parents, their heart is in the right place.

Dread

The anticipation of something negative happening is giving me so much anxiety. I wish I could think positively but I just feel like the forces against are just too strong. It sucks so bad. And I'm not really exactly directly affected but this dilemma just have a bigger stakes in the general scheme of things so I'm worried what happens today. I'm praying for a good result but I just don't want to raise my hopes up. It's hard to be at the bottom fighting your way up. This period just made me further realize how weak I am that in certain high moment of pressure.

Hopefully

I hope to hear good news tomorrow although all signs are pointing the opposite direction. Or maybe I'm just too pessimistic these days but it's hard not to when those who are up feel like they value being on the good side of a certain authority than be objective and think of the bigger picture. I'm dreading the worst possible outcome but I'm still trying to muster a glimmer of hope that hey maybe it could be different, maybe they will do the right and humane thing. Maybe I can still believe that there's hope that common decency can still prevail in this atmosphere where I feel the majority is complicit because it's the easy thing to do or they can't let go of an ideology that they defended to death is the right one even the signs telling it ain't so are so glaring. I don't know. I feel so restless.

Documented

This is the headline of the Sunday issues of the New York Times. No photos, no graphic but a powerful headline humanizing this crisis we are in. They are not just statistics, they are human beings we have lost due to this pandemic.  The article listed the names of people who died as earlier published in various obituaries in regional US newspapers. I've read some and it's heartbreaking. 

I applaud The New York Times for doing this, this newspaper headline is a time capsule, people in the future will see this and they will instantly find out how TRAGIC this crisis is.

I hope a local newspaper will do the same here as well.

***

One of the reasons I'm blogging again constantly is that I want to capture what I'm feeling in this life changing situation we are in right now. I want this to serve as my time capsule for me to look back someday. I really hope that future will be better and when I read all these posts I made during this pandemic it will serve as memory on how I dealt with this and what I've learned from it. I've often shared in this blog how time flies by and I can't see to catch up with it. Now everything is so slow and I'm so scare of the future.

What's the truth?

The past two days have been so alarming because of the health department lead conflicting statements. First is that we are supposedly in the second wave but other people in the government contradicted him later on so he then took his words back. Then this chief had a dangerous statement that asymptomatic COVID19 people have not been proven infectious. What on earth is that statement? I remember way back in January when the outbreak started how he was downplaying the situation and then how our country is ready for this. I'm so infuriated because IF ONLY if we had a more proactive head maybe by this point easing the lockdown would be more organic and safer than this when there's so much left to worry about when there's an average of 200 confirmed cases each day! Last week of May next week, can we really go their marketed New Normal by June? I'm afraid not. So nervous.

What else...

I minimized my exposure to news today both online and on TV. It just so upsetting. There's so much uncertainty. There's so much mess. There's so much despair. There's so much stress. Two months in and I feel there's no improvement. I feel like a lot of people are just hanging by a thread. The waiting game on what to do, on how to handle the world in disarray. There's so much nastiness as well. There are times where I feel hopeless. This pandemic exposed a lot. You can separate who can inspire and not just intimidate. But those who just intimidate are the ones in the spotlight. It just gives me more anxiety.

***

Went out to buy medicine for parents earlier today. I usually go early because of the lines but when I arrived I was first in line. The nearby grocery also didn't have its usual long lines, just two or three waiting to enter once someone goes out. Nice to see a sense of calmness.

What now?

• ABS-CBN franchise bill discussion on the congress today and once again the old accusations were raised as if it was never addressed in the senate hearing in February. There was this section on the bill that also requires them to give 10% of their airtime for free to the government. What for?I feel nervous for this network if they can get their frequencies back again or what compromise they need to do to get it back. It's been two weeks since their broadcast production was shut down, each day lost is a big damage. I know there are other avenues and channels to choose but there are areas in the country that only their local affiliates can reach to. It was evident in Ambo typhoon where there were areas that they covered and people said that they are the only ones that were  able to reach them. Sometimes this urban/city mentality is  so predominant that rural areas are often forgotten like they don't exist or worse matter to the powers that be. 
• So the spokeperson said that the government has no plans for mass testing right now and that private companies should do the testing for their employees which was also "recommended" by the labor department. I'm not surprised this happened but still so disappointing. Companies are struggling right now especially the middle to small range companies. How can they afford that?  So frustrating and I'm afraid it would cost more companies to shut down for good.
• Cavite governor shut down mall operations today due to social distancing and other quarantine violations observed over the weekend. At first I totally get the decision but then when I read the rationale one thing that I noticed is that it tried to connect that the 40 new cases is because of the GCQ over the weekend. That's likely not true because test results takes time and incubation period is 14 days. I get that the  governor is just being proactive to avoid further spread but he should be careful to use and not misrepresent information just to support a narrative. We are living in age where misinformation is so rampant.
• Our office management went to work today to discuss how operations will work out. No official announcement  relayed to us employees yet, maybe tomorrow or anytime this week. I'm torn because I wanna go back to work but I'm so afraid to commute. I want to help our company rise from this setback. I definitely see them in a new light because despite this crisis they still tried to make it work and provide for the employees. 
• One thing I don't look forward when I get back 'out there' is to actually hear thoughts I highly disagree with from random people or worst people I otherwise like. After this ordeal I dunno if I can handle problematic opinions anymore.

What If?

Private companies are encouraged to do COVID19 tests to their employees before they go back to work. It's a sound idea but how many tests are available? I'm afraid some will seize this as an income opportunity. I guess can't blame them given how the economy has collapsed but still mass testing should be free but the progress is just so slow. Not a lot of private companies can afford this but do they have a choice if they want to go back to operations? How frequent would the test be needed? Of course it can't be just one and done because you'll never know if you can catch it eventually after testing negative then you go out in the world. There's just so many things to think about in this crisis. 

This is also got me thinking what if our company will do this, will I be comfortable taking a test? What if it I test positive and I need really do a hard quarantine? Can my messy emotional state handle this? Imagine if the barangay and subdivisions finds out, I would cause a lockdown here and our family will be ostracized for sure. It terrifies me just thinking about the possibility. I'm scared of the virus and the fallout it will cost if I test positive. 

I often read "I'll miss _______ when this nightmare is over" and I fee iffy. It feels like counting chickens before the eggs hatched. Don't look forward to missing something we are currently experiencing right now because of this pandemic. It feels wrong really but I guess that's how other people cope in this situation. Nearly 3 months of this nightmare, WHEN WILL THIS END? 

I'm so tired really. 

Eased?

Today the restrictions during this quarantine have been eased under the Modified Enhance Community Quarantine for places like NCR and General Community Quarantine for us here in Cavite and other provinces too. What I've observed on social media posts and the news is that people flocked to the stores and there has been traffic as well. That's scary actually because this country is under tested while it continues to have more than 200 confirmed cases a day. On the other hand, I understand why we need to get economy back and running again because we simply couldn't sustained a quarantined life. Social distancing and work from home is a privilege a lot of Pinoys can't afford to so. The Social Amelioration Program has been quite a mess, so many people complaining about the system and those who were able to quality had to endure just to get the pay-out. Our government simply can't afford to give us consistent aids so people need to get back to work. We are such in a lose-lose situation.

Thinking about the "new normal" guidelines the office sent yesterday  and I continue to ponder if we can pull that off.  I know that the guideline that restricts the pantry to one person per table won't be a problem for me because I already do that but that would also require for people to eat fast to accommodate everyone. Can they really avoid eating alone and not chatting another person?  Another guideline, is that there will be one cubicle separating the employees which already works for me because the past year the two people seated next to me resigned so my desk is socially distant already. I actually used that empty cubicle next to me as an extension of mine and placed my belongings there! But how would that work out as a whole? Will the other employees moved or will there be scheduling who can on work on that and who could not to limit the number of people in the office?

 I'm just thankful I have an office to go back to. But I don't know when I can be there though. I miss it but I'm afraid to commute because the risk is still high. I'm so torn what to feel right now. I desperately want things to go back to what it used to be or at least close to it but I know we are still probably in the middle of this life changing historical moment. It's not over. Far from it.

Daze

Typhoon Ambo  hit hard today! Well, in our place just manageable rains but the other provinces the typhoon was so strong. Can you just imagine being one of the families that have to evacuate and in a middle of a pandemic. Although, most of the province hit hard by the typhoon had minimal COVID19 cases so hopefully the virus was really contained there, so not another problem. Like what choice do you have? The typhoon is also hitting Metro Manila now, the potential flooding it would cause. Right now as I type this the rains have subsided and I hope in other places too. The challenges just keep on coming. 

****

Today I also faced a surprising urgent task while working at home. It was quite stressful because of the limitations of the quarantine. I can't fully control the things I need to settle but I think it turned out fine oh well at least it didn't turn out that messy.  Well, I truly hope so but I really miss being at the office. My manager also sent guidelines for 'new normal" office operations. It's so intensive and tricky but needed. Like one person per table during lunch time, no more socializing, just eat. I mean I do that on a regular basis but for all people to do that, oh wow it would be so weird. It's gonna be so interesting how this will all work out. 

Another Level

So today our country was hit by a storm. Our province is Signal #1 but it didn't actually rain, just rain showers and it was gloomy all day. It didn't alleviate the heat though. It was still so humid. I watched the news earlier and just realized how hard the storm was in the other provinces. Those provinces gravely affected have minimal cases of COVID19 so thank goodness because can you just imagine how horrifying the situation would be for a place hit hard by the pandemic then a typhoon comes in? How would evacuation work with social distancing measures? It's so gonna be hard. The country's epicenter NCR is in Signal #1 as well but no hard rains thankfully. Just imagine the horror if they were savaged by the typhoon, the floods, the people living dense places will have no choice but to risk it all. The challenges this pandemic brought in is just endless.

Tomorrow is the last day our province will be in Enhanced Community Quarantine and we go to the next stage of General Community Quarantine. So curious how this will work out. Hopefully for the better. Authorities continues to warn to be careful for a second wave. We haven't really successful exited first wave yet to be honest, still another 200+ cases reported today. I'm envious of Southeast Asian neighbors Vietnam and Thailand who have successfully contained the virus and is now having a taste of normalcy.  The Philippines has a long way to go.

Glimmer

The first and only confirmed COVID19 case here in our barangay has now recovered. Thank God! We didn't have additional cases as the other suspects have tested negative so hopefully we stay COVID19 free. Thankfully that one case seems isolated and it didn't spread out. 

I'm warming up to the General Community Quarantine, looks like we will have a clearer guidelines tomorrow once our municipality is done setting those. I hope it won't be unreasonably strict. I'm absolutely in favor of social distancing and other safety measures but hopefully it won't go to authoritarian.

Also today my manager messaged me to inform that our company was granted SSS financial assistance and it was already transferred to our payroll ATM accounts. I haven't gone out yet so I haven't check it (no online access to it because I'm generally paranoid but maybe that should change really) but glad our company was granted that and hopefully it  helped kept our company stay afloat financially as the lockdown continues. I really miss the office, longest period of time I haven't seen it. If this crisis taught me something is to appreciate the company I work. I have lots of frustrations over the years but in this crisis, they didn't abandon us and made sure we are financially supported despite the lack of business operations. I really hope and pray our company will survive the post-pandemic aftermath. I will do my best to help out.

Lastly, the congress made a bill to grant ABS-CBN a provisional franchise that will last until 5 months. Why shorter than the 25-year application because they say they need time to discuss and for ABS-CBN to answer the alleged franchise violations in congress.. The speech made by the speaker was irritating but hey at least  finally there's some progress. Their battle isn't over yet because it's just basically a 5-month extension and they are still essentially hostage but one day at a time I guess!

Nothing

So our province Cavite will be "downgraded" to General Community Quarantine on May 16 but still basically the same really they just added some industries could now open (which still be in discussion) so some could work. But basically it's just the same. Over 200 confirmed cases again today. Two months of lockdown and it feels nothing has truly changed really. Oh wait, the major CHANGE in this two-month lockdown is the shutdown of ABS-CBN. One week has passed since they have been shutdown but the congress still not discussing their franchise, all you hear is we support ABS, we support press freedom, but no legit action has been made. The TRO appeal has made no progress at the Supreme Court. I'm afraid they are done. I hope I'm wrong. 

I've been reading news how New Zealand, Vietnam and Australia are on their way to normalcy and I'm so envious. As an archipelago I believe the Philippines had a good chance to not be affected this hard by the coronavirus, if only we were proactive back in January. If only.  

I know life will never be the same again but I still can't accept that this is our reality now. Praying for a miracle.

Changes

My nephew will enter high school and one potential school my sister is looking in to enroll him has a detailed plan for "New Normal" setup. Saw it and I like that they have a plan for students with no Internet access. But this setup still makes me wary if it will be effective. It's a small local private school which won't have that much students but what about public schools? How will a new normal school setup look like? And private school enrollment will definitely decline due to the crisis so it will clog public schools even more. Thinking about the changes schools will have to face because of the pandemic fallout is making me sad. I know it's a different situation but school done remotely is just different from having face-to-face interaction with the teachers and classmates. But what options do we have right now? School year won't start until August 24 and I really hope this virus can be contained or have a medicine already. My prayer is for it to be nearly eradicated! I want schools to have a sense of normalcy. Well, everything basically but schools are different setting. The changes this world will face after this nightmare keeps me up at night sometimes. 

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day! Nanay wanted Big Mac but the McDo near us has no stock anymore so we bought Quarter Pounder instead. She liked it but I think it made her crave for Big Mac more. Hopefully we could do more for her birthday later this month. But I do feel that the limitation of our movement is really frustrating her a lot. She can't visit the market and do groceries, those are big deals to Nanay and I hope she can do it again very soon. 

I'm gonna say it, I hope our province will be on GCQ after May 15. I expected Metro Manila to stay under ECQ but I really hope Cavite won't. I just want the checkpoints out really. Of course social distancing will still be there but checkpoints for me have been the source of a lot unnecessary stress. I'm still so frustrated that in a medical crisis a militaristic approach to lead people is what they think is the right way to go. I do get the idea for discipline but intimidating and scaring people off is causing more problems on top of the problems we already have.

For a person like me who worries a lot back in the "old normal", this extraordinary circumstance is nothing but a series of tests: of character, of patience, of faith, of where you stand under immense pressure. It's been really tough and sometimes I feel defeated but I know I need to keep the fire burning. I must.

Burnout

I just feel so exhausted with everything right now. The pandemic, quarantine restrictions, the societal problems, worries about the future, my disgust for certain actions and behavior, the soul-sucking hot weather, everything. I feel so defeated right now. I feel so hopeless. The past 2 months are nothing but a series of tests, a test of character, a test of faith, a test of one's self worth. It's been really tough. This week probably was the worst, triggered by what's happening with the country, those people in power, the divisiveness, the apathy, the selfishness, the willingness to be submissive, the general lack of kindness, the entitlement, the shrewdness, the pure nasty behavior I've been witnessing. I'm living in a moment of history that will be discussed for years and I hope to God this will have a good conclusion. But this is life and nothing ever really concludes so I guess what I'm saying is that years in the future when this is studied I hope we are at a better point in the society, better than what we are living right now.  I hope we are an evolved society by that time and I hope I will be there to witness it. If there's one thing I've learned this week is that when your hunch tells your something's gonna be wrong, follow it. If ever life will give me a chance to raise my own family, I will do my damn best to be a good model of a decent human. A person who has empathy for others' plight. A person that will not cause great suffering to a lot of people. A braver person.

Endless Worries

So there's news today that Metro Manila will likely extend the quarantine until June 15. A one month extension again. Honestly, I understand the risk is still high for a second wave as the daily confirmed cases have not dropped and Metro Manila is the epicenter. We haven't flatten the curve. So what now? I really don't know if the company I work can survive this. I'm just scared of the uncertainty.

Another thing I'm scared of? Yeah the ABS-CBN shutdown is still a cause of concern for me. The congress Speaker said he will try to fix this mess but I haven't seen anything that he has done to make progress. As expected the TRO appeal to Supreme Court is not a "priority". This is just alarming that the people in the authority are not doing ANYTHING. Do I have just to accept  that this is really the reality, they control everything. If they can do something as grave as this, what's stopping them from escalating it even further? There are so many enablers as well and not treating this matter seriously.

I honestly feel so frustrated right now with how society works. When I was a young teenager, when EDSA Dos happened, I felt so inspired with the peaceful movement that it can be done. Now that's never happening. In a way I guess a lot of people felt fatigue because life post-EDSA Dos disappointed as well. But still life and discourse RIGHT NOW is so much more toxic. 

I need to stop thinking "when this is all over I will..." because I don't feel it will be over anytime soon. I'm just raising my hopes up for nothing. I feel so defeated. But I'm still clinging to hope somehow because if I don't I will go nowhere. I need to keep this fire burning and not let it die.

Semi Comeback

So TV Patrol returned tonight but not on the main channel of course because it has been shutdown. It returned online and on cable channel ANC. It felt good to hear the main theme again. Tomorrow DZMM Teleradyo will return on cable and TV Plus. I guess they went off air to double check if they are covered by the NTC shutdown. They really need to get back on air even under this format so this issue will still be in circulation and not be swept under the rag. Until today the congress leader is still NOT DOING ANYTHING about years old franchise bills, not even scheduling a day to discuss it even if it is now a pressing concern. To be honest, I'm not sure if ABS CBN can get their franchise back but I hope they do access to information is important and the job protection of thousands of people too. 

***

I also saw in the news today that the government is already setting up how transportation will work out in the trains once NCR moves to General Community Quarantine which is marketed as the new normal. I'm not sure if this will work, I could just imagine the commuting nightmare this will entail but we really need to get a semblance of normalcy again, so we can get the economy running again and secure our finances as well, we can't rely on the government cash aids which distribution has been marred by controversies. Next Friday, May 15, is the supposed last day of the Enhanced Community Quarantine and the government is already starting to warm people up that it won't be extended anymore and will move to GCQ with less restriction. However, two days of over 300 new cases. Are we really ready to open up the economy? I'm torn really, I want to go back to work but I'm afraid of a potential second wave. This is so stressful 

Rattled

The first full day with ABS CBN off the air. I didn't expect to be affected this way. All day this was on my mind totally eclipsing my COVID19 worries now. I'm just bothered the way it was taken off the air. I'm so disgusted there are people who are celebrating this shutdown. Sure there are the copy/paste trolls but there are still actual people enjoying the misery of people who could lose their jobs for good. Heartless. I'm bothered how misinformed people are, like some of the allegations why they should not be renewed have been answered way back in February and there were no oppositions that time during the Senate hearings because they were able to give credible responses point by point. But those were all thrown away, lumabas sa kabilang tenga! 

I have a friend in college who works at the Metro Manila radio station of ABS CBN as a DJ. He just joined this year and of course there were people asking if he regretted his decision and he answered that he knew this was a risk but he is fulfilling a lifelong dream to be part of that FM station so no regrets and he is willing to go on this fight. I got teary eyed when he was explaining earlier on their FB Live show. He is just one of those people  affected by this shutdown. But they were inessential i guess. There's this "law is law" propaganda on social media conveniently forgetting that law is law only applies to their self interest. Like a few days ago the big issue was the added contributions in Philhealth as set by law! I was actually on their side that this should not be implemented at this trying time and their thoughts were heard. But this nope, even if NTC earlier issued all permits that will expire during the ECQ will be extended until after the ECQ is lifted but nope they conveniently forgot that.

There are just so many questionable things that were done so this shutdown would be fulfilled. But people don't bother to research anyway. People have short term memories especially if you have a specific bias you want validated. 

This shutdown is not just about liking the company or not. This goes beyond that, there are valid more deeper concerns because of this precedent. Some people are not realizing that and it's driving me insane. 

Shutdown

Today NTC shutdown ABS-CBN because their franchise expired yesterday and the congress didn't approve a renewal nor even start preliminary discussions despite bills for renewal filed for years already. In a national health and economic crisis, always remember that some people prioritize closing a company that employs thousands of people, even for that reason alone, no flexibility. But for Chinese-run POGOs, so much flexibility and leeway to accommodate them despite their questionable reputation. This media company, whether you like them or not, in February, during senate hearings were able to give fact-based and legally binding proof against allegations. But still congress didn't bother to even start discussing the franchise renewal. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. 

The company I work for was struggling around 7 years ago and what saved us from totally shutting down is when ABS-CBN became our client for subtitling services. Until now they remain a client. So on a personal level this shut down of this media giant hurts. On the grand scheme of things, this shutdown is a very bad precedent. This isn't about liking the company or not. Rooting for a company which employs thousands of people to shutdown is just pure heartless. 

I am so frustrated right now. I can't believe that this is happening. This is so scary because it's a show of force, of what they can do. I'm devastated as well that there are actually regular people thinking this was the right move. 

I am so sad they won.

Hopefully, not for long. 

Sub-optimal

It was so hot today, I was perspiring heavily doing a simple task like washing the dishes. It was so humid that I took bath twice. Drank so much water that of course made me pee frequently. I'm craving for Zagu, Coke Float or any kind cold shake really. But of course I can't during this quarantine. It's not essential reason to go out there. Not gonna lie, my cravings reminded me of the things I miss pre-COVID19 quarantine. That luxury and freedom to move without fear of checkpoint personnel being unreasonable and this unseen enemy that could threaten life. 

Some provinces in the country now are in General Community Quarantine which is what they are marketing as "new normal" where there are still restrictions but loosened up because some of the industries can now open and public transportation will be available but with limited capacity. I have a bad feeling it will be executed so poorly when the time comes that NCR will be under that. They are teasing that after May 15 the rest of the country will be under GCQ. I'm skeptical but we'll see how it works. I have mixed feelings because there's still more than 200 cases each day and there's a chance it would still be like that in 2 weeks time. However, I understand that a lot of people need to work now and support their families.  There have been news of people dying due to heart attack while in line for the government cash aids. All you can hear on listener feedback in radio shows and comments on LGU Facebook pages are about the cash aids mostly because they haven't received or not even qualified. A lot of frustrated people right now. And just imagine you are so anxious about your day-to-day survival then this heat torturing you physically.

When I think of what other people are going through right now, it really makes my issue of being uncomfortable with the heat and not being able to go out freely so minuscule. There are lot of  issues in this pandemic that have frustrated me so much but seeing how people are suffering more gives me perspective to check my privilege.  I do believe that we have the right to complain and criticize but still we need to get a reality check as well so you won't across as a self-absorbed whiner.

Still, I wish for this nightmare to end soon or at least a light of hope that eventually things can go back to the "old" normal. 

Labor Day.

 Today is Labor Day in the Philippines and the government allowed the controversial Chinese POGO companies to operate. Supposedly, in the government's Enhanced Community Quarantine guidelines gambling operations are not allowed but they conveniently classified them as BPO (Business Process Outsourcing) just now. I will be blunt but I really don't like POGOs operating in the country because the business itself is shady because online gambling is not allowed in their home country China and yet we allow them here. There are also reports they don't pay taxes and have been linked with crimes such as human trafficking, kidnapping and prostitution. It really infuriates me that they have been allowed to go back to work while most of us can't which is actually the right thing to do because it's simply not safe yet to do so as we still have more than 200 reported confirmed new cases a day. Why allow them? Quick scan of the news and you will see multiple stories of people who lost their jobs/source of income due to the crisis. So many people hoping they will get the "ayuda" (government aid). There's so much pain and hardship right now. And you hear news like this where an inessential and questionable industry in a pandemic is allowed to operate and go back to business as usual. It's so unfair.

Stress Zone

So I survived the grocery and medicine purchase run today. With the confusing Cavite total lockdown May 1 announcement by the governor (which to be fair he later apologized on social media for bringing confusion) and the first confirmed case here in our barangay, it was really a stressful morning. I spent 2 hours lining up to a big grocery store BUT I was not allowed to enter because our quarantine pass has no address indicated. It's not our fault because that was issued by the barangay but the grocery security is now demanding certification from the barangay office where we live because they are banning the zone where the first confirmed case is living. I was so pissed but I just left because no energy to argue. Good thing the medicine purchase over at Mercury Drug was smooth sailing because I was buying on behalf of my senior citizen parents so there's a special lane. I was also able to buy some stuff there too because that branch also has a mini grocery. From then on I went from various stores in the nearby market area to buy some of the items in the grocery list then I went to other convenience stores to buy what I can't find there. It was such a hassle (especially in this heat!) but glad I was still able to buy most of what is needed in the list. We passed by the zone where the first confirmed case is living and they are on total lockdown, no one could absolutely leave for 14 days. But I feel there would be adjustments because how could people buy supplies and food? They set up their zone leaders and some counselors to help out to buy on behalf of them but can they sustain that? Hard to believe. 

When I got home I took a bath as soon as I can because it's so hot right now and paranoia as well because it's a different game now that we have a confirmed case here in our barangay. The threat is so near. Really praying hard this is an isolated case.  Praying our subdivision won't have a confirmed case ever. Or for that matter this whole barangay won't have another case anymore! I can't help but feel anxious. Also praying for the person who got infected and his/her family. Hopefully, there will be support but with the total lockdown of that area, I'm afraid they are at risk to be at the receiving end of stressed-out people. Maybe unavoidable as it is scary but I hope the neighbors won't vent their frustration out to the family. The barangay captain dispelled a fake news circulating on Facebook *where else?* that the person already died and was secretly buried in the nearby cemetery. So annoying because people are so gullible. I only get updates from the official local government pages, I don't join FB groups and group chats on messenger. So much rumors and fear mongering there. And worst, people  with toxic personalities are all over.

This crisis is just testing everyone's limits. Please let this be over soon. 

Crap!

So today it was confirmed that someone in our barangay is COVID19 positive. I can't believe that nasty virus reached here. And what a timing because on May 1 Cavite will undergo a stricter quarantine, sort of total lockdown and I was going to buy groceries and my parents' medicines tomorrow in preparation for the 2-week of lockdown.
 It will be HELL tomorrow.

I'm sure there will be panic buying and also paranoia because the virus has now reached us. I'm scared to go out tomorrow but I have no choice but to do it. Oh God please protect me tomorrow that I won't be able to get that nasty virus. I'm so stressed right now.

At Wits' End

The lockdown has once again been extended from April 30 to May 15. I understand the need to do so and at least some areas in the country will not be part of it although it will still have quarantine measures but at least that is some semblance of good news in the midst of a stress-filled era. Honestly, I'm so uncomfortable with the tone of putting the blame to ordinary people "pasaway!". I do understand and get there are stubborn people that needs to take this seriously but there's just a lack of empathy these days. I'm tired of political conflict, how people are encouraged to pick sides. Blame game is so rampant. Treating each other as enemy. We need more understanding of the plight of the people now. Everybody is stressed. Everybody is so worried. The last thing we need is this type of mindset. But I don't know anymore. I feel so disillusioned right now. I still can't believe that this is happening. We are not equipped to handle this matter but I feel so worried that this is being handled the wrong way, so much fear and suspicions. I long for the day that I will have peace of mind. I'm tired of being terrified. 

Temporary Normal

Supposedly, the lockdown will end April 30. But signs are pointing to another extension. Logically, I understand as the new reported cases are still 200 plus everyday. I do believe we can really get back to what we use to call normal  but just not yet.  However, I constantly think about the economy I'm just so scared of the aftermath. Personally, our company was still able to give us salaries but for how long can they sustain us? I worry about that nearly everyday.

I worry for other people too. The small businesses like barber shops, can they survive this? The small vendors not selling essential goods. How can they survive this? The social amelioration won't be enough and it's already causing a lot of people to get angry already. The early promise of the labor department to help companies by giving a 5K aid to employees still not felt because as expected they got overwhelmed and can't help everyone. This is what I feel so troubled about, I don't want our fates to be reliant on the government. That's why I really want people to be able to go back to work. But the risk is just there and can't be denied. It's a lose-lose situation.

Earlier, I went to buy maintenance medicines for my mother and for the first time since I've been doing this for her, two of her medicines are out of stock. This has never happened before. Demand is high so getting the supplies is harder than ever. Going to the grocery is a nightmare now. I try to check out the smaller convenience stores but they barely have anything on stock these days.  Some of the items are also more expensive than ever now.

My nephew was supposed to graduate elementary last March 31 but everything's on hold now. He seems like he doesn't care when I asked him if he misses school though. He's constantly entertained with Minecraft and YouTube. He also even likes the reruns of May Bukas Pa and Wansapanataym these days too. Good for him though, it's better for a kid to still enjoy life. Let the adults do the worrying.

I was able to pay our electricity bill online, a first! I had to convince my parents that this is legit even without a paper receipt, I had to show them the 0.00 balance on my laptop screen to ease their worries. For water, well that will really have to wait because it's a local company and no way to pay online. They did assure no penalties and continous supply so that's fine.

I recently saw this video about an uncrowded Metro Manila in this quarantine era. seeing the parts around Makati made me emotional. My father worked here for 30 years so I'm already familiar with the area  before I even started working. Nearly 12 years of employment, my current and past jobs, were all located in Makati. This is the longest time since I started working that I haven't been in Makati. I miss walking the streets, the overpass and underpass, the random people asking me for directions etc. I miss even the traffic who would have thought? I just miss the normality of everyday life. I can't wait to go back and resume our lives. I really hope it's coming very soon .

Earlier I felt so anxious again and to fight it off. I took an afternoon nap. It didn't magically delete my worries away but at least for a few hours I had peace of mind.

Life On Hold

We are going 4 weeks under Enhanced Community Quarantine which is really just a sugarcoated term for lockdown. The original end date, April 12, is nearing but we all know it will be extended as COVID-19 cases continue to rise. It's just not safe to have the masses go out in public as the danger is still there. I won't deny this situation has given me so much anxiety. But as always I try too look things on the brighter side. For one, no one in my family is suffering from this virus and by the grace of God NO ONE WILL. It's almost a month since I was last in the office. I still continue to do work at home, I supervise a cable channel and up until this week I was able to schedule new episodes but except for one show, I have run out of new episodes to air so we will go on replays starting tomorrow. What my initial plan way back in February was to be able to submit a month advance worth of episodes in preparation for the Holy Week break but of course that is a distant memory now. To be honest, I'm afraid if our company can survive this crisis. Will I still have a job to go back to once the virus had been contained and we can go out in the public now? I know MILLIONS of people worldwide is worrying about the same matter. The fear of virus at the present is at its peak but the fear with what lies ahead in the future lingers around. I've blogged many times here how I feel discontented with how much I earn in my job and how I feel I've been left behind career-wise by  lot of my peers. But now I miss having those worries ONLY. I can deal with that but this anxiety brought upon by this pandemic is on another level mainly because everything is up in the air. We don't know when will this end and what a post-COVID19 world be.
Today is Palm Sunday and the first in my lifetime to not have the usual mass. It feels so strange to not do the usual things anymore. Not a day pass by without me thinking of this crisis and how it is shaping the future of the world. I'm very, very worried. So help us God.

Pandemic worries

Now COVID-19 / coronavirus crisis is at the peak.
Classes cancelled
Work cancelled
Malls closed
Luzon lockdown
Shows stopped production
So many worries online

I'm asthmatic so I'm vulnerable. My parents are over 60 and they are vulnerable

I'm so anxious lately. I miss the ordinary life of going to work and only dealing with traffic to stress me out. The uncertainty of it all is making me so nervous about the future. I took an afternoon nap today so I can keep myself from constantly checking the news. I tried watching entertainment stuff TV or movie and doing more household chores but I just can't keep my mind off things really

I now regret whining about trivial stuff and personal angst/insecurities now that a bigger than life problem is affecting us worldwide.

I desperately want to go back to the old life

Bothered

I feel so uneasy about how the world operates now. How perception is easily manipulated. Culturally, I feel that even if there are new and more convenient ways to communicate now, it becomes more dangerous. I'm rattled by the fact that people can set aside basic human decency and principles, just not to be proven wrong. Just not to be on a losing side. I'm so disappointed with the way people behave now. So irresponsible. So careless. Critical thinking is dying now. People cherrypick the information content they want to consume. Heck, even a clickbait title is enough for them to believe without reading a damn word. As long as it validates what they are feeling it must be true because this is what they have been suspicious about.

Fifteen

Hey! After I posted that angst-filled entry awhile ago I realized that TODAY is the 15th anniversary of my blog. My first post was full of angst, worries and fear. It's surreal to me that 17 year old me and 32 year old me feels basically the same but just on another spectrum. Different fears but same anxiety.

For what it's worth this blog is therapeutic to me. This is how I deal with overwhelming emotions. Shouting out to the void. It's the equivalent of literal screams. It helps me process my emotions and keeps me in check

So thank you FORG FILES. This blog had been through a lot but 'm happy you are still here with me in my life journey. Don't give up on Blogger, Google! Let us have this space.

Less

Today was another reminder how I lack a lot of life skills needed to be a legit adult and basically I'm useless.

Today was also a reminder how some of things I devoted time and effort to ended up pointless in the long run.

 Today I was a reminded how careless I've been in the past and how I'm suffering the consequences of those actions

 Today life reminded me that I needed to be fearless in order for me to achieve what I've been dreaming of.

 Today I feel so helpless.

What a start

Last day of January 2020 but the events that have unfolded already felt like it's been a year! So many things have happened from earthquakes, wildfires and recently a volcano eruption and a deadly virus!

It does feel scary to think about it but one needs to relax because panicking and going paranoid won't take you anywhere really. The Taal volcano eruption hit close to home but Thank God we didn't experience that much save for ashfall. My heart broke for all those people affected and glad a lot of them are finally on the road to recovery as the alert level have been lowered now allowing them to return to their homes. And now after that problem had been showing some signs of positivity then this coronavirus is becoming an alarming problem now. It's so weird to see a lot of people in the streets wearing face masks. I hope to God no one from my loved ones will get affected from this. It is scary but we need to calm down and hope for the best. The only thing we can do now is to do precautionary measures. 

Bye 2010s

Another decade has passed!

 The 2010s have been defined as me a working adult, facing life's challenges. Growing up and maturing. Realizing of the things I've missed out, missed expectations on life goals, general disappoinments! The latter half of this decade have been quite frustrating as shown on this blog! I started decade having this blog as a repository of pop culture interests and eventually became the place where I scream all my angst in life! But it has been very helpful at least.
 It freaks me out that I'm 32, a full-pledged adult. I sometimes I don't feel like one, sometimes I do. It has been a generally OK year to year if I'll be honest. A lot of challenges. Thankfully, I surpassed all of them. The latter half of the decade I truly felt how time is changing and saying goodbye to the ones that became a part of my life. Look back sometimes but always move forward,

2020s bring it on!

My 10 Favorite Movies of 2019

Another year of seeing fewer movies than I want to. Movies are just expensive! Anyway, my top 10 is again limited to what I just saw and it's really a slim selection😂


1. Quezon's Game

It's a fascinating look of a part of our history that seems have been forgotten. I never knew about this story until I've seen this film. This is a low budget but you won't feel, they maximized their resources to the full effect. Truly excellent.

2. Parasite
Thrilling with a great message of about inequality. Best seen with out any knowledge about it for full maximum surprise effect!

3. Toy Story 4

They did it again! Pixar once again formed a story with these lovable toys that resembles the journey of a real person in life. The theme about moving on to the next chapter of your life is someone will strongly feel connected to.

4. Edward
This film tells a whimsical story of a coming-of-age of a young teen boy in the midst of the seriously depressing world of public hospitals in the country. It has its whimsical charm despite the tragic stetting the character lives on. Very affecting film.

5. Alone/Together
I totally loved Tin's character journey here and how her idealism in her youth was crushed upon entering the real world. The circumstances leading to that felt a little contrived but the film totally got the feeling of disillusionment a young adult feels upon facing that being idealistic is so hard

6. Marriage Story 

This film perfectly captured how a strained relationship feels like and the conflict of doing what you heart desires vs what is practical. Excellent script and acting

7. Frozen II

A worthy follow up to the 2013 classic. While I feel the main storyline needed tightening, the powerful songs in the third act more than makes up for it. Show Yourself sequence alone is worth the ticket admission

8. Aladdin
This is so much better than initial promo suggested. I felt the production designed needed more oomph but this was such a fun remake. Will Smith's Friend Like Me is fantastic and A Whole New World still gave me goose bumps! The new song Speechless is simply divine as the re-imagining of Princess Jasmine in this live-adaptation works well

9. How to Train Your Dragon: Hidden World

The villain was a little weak but still the conclusion to this series ended on a perfect way as we see Hiccup and Toothless face the future as they follow their journey. Emotional finish but well-earned.

10. Hello, Love, Goodbye

A poignant look of the life of an OFW and how the idea of relationships in a temporary world could work (or not). I especially like how it ended, that sometimes you have to choose yourself and your dreams.

Favorites from the past years:

2018

2017

2016

2015
2014
2013
2012
2011

My 10 Favorite Comedy TV Series Episodes of 2019

Here is my annual rundown of my favorite episodes of the sitcoms/comedy programs I watched this year. Like in previous years for variety purposes I just chose one episode per show. Check out my top 10 lists over the years:  2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013,2012

1. Speechless Season 3, Episode 22 "U-n-r-Unrealistic"
The de-facto series finale of this wonderful sweet show had heartwarming showcase of the human spirit. Sometimes all you need is to believe that even the unrealistic could be conquered.

2. The Conners Season 2, Episode 7 "Slappy Holidays"
This episode had the perfect balance of capturing real life tension between family members without losing its comedy side. The confronation between Darlene and Jackie is such a TV moment that left me gasping. It felt so real.

3. Fleabag Season 2, Episode 6
I jumped the bandwagon with this show's insane hype this year and it lived up to it. The (series) finale totally embodies why this show captured the hearts of many people, a comedic take of things not going your way but hey life goes on. Fleabag represented a lot of us with a messy side but hopeful of the life ahead.

4. Young Sheldon Season 3, Episode 5 "A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship"
This episode left a mark on me because of a seemingly stray comment made by supporting character Dr. Sturgis referring to himself as "damaged goods". It's self-depreciating made with so much earnestness and touch of heartbreak. This show is underrated because it's such a good and heartfelt coming of age sitcom a kid with peculiar mindset.

5. Superstore Season 4, Episode 22 "Employee Appreciation Day"
This episode was thrilling, funny with a shocking end. The race to hide Mateo was so expertly executed and the final scenes will leave you in shock. I also appreciate how the show portrays the life of a regular worker and the complicated corporate world.

6. The Big Bang Theory Season 12, Episode 24 "Stockholm Syndrome"
The series finale of this 12-year old series was so sweet and true to itself. Ending it with Sheldon's speech appreciating his friends for all the years they have loved and cared for him in their special ways.

7. The Good Place Season 3, Episode 11 "The Book of Doughs"
I love how this dug deep into a person's character, that doing what's wrong and right is not all the time sometime you can judge in black and white. There's always a grey because life is so complicated

8. Mom Season 7, Episode 10 "Higgledy-Piggledy and a Cat Show"
The show rarely does holiday-themed episodes unlike other sitcoms so the fact that they made one this year piqued my interest quickly. This episode knocked it out of the park! Funny, heartbreaking and heartwarming. It was also good to see how far Bonnie and Christy have come.

9. Bob's Burgers Season 10 Episode 5, "Legends of the Mall"
This wonderful animated family comedy is always and the current season is an embarassment of riches. I ultimately picked this episode because of the subplot of Bob finding it hard to buy pants on his own. The episode also captured the charm of a mall to a kid which I could relate to a lot.

10. Kim's Convenience Season 3 Episode 8, "To Him It May Concern"
This sitcom I just discovered this year on Netflix and binged all three seasons. Of the episodes that their aired this year, I picked this one because it's funny but insightful look of the life of a migrant through the use of their adopted language "English". It shows that even if years have passed living in a foreign land, there are moments when you realized you are still an outsider and it's okay.

My Hot 100 of the 2010s (2010-2019)

1. Dati - Sam Concepcion and Tippy Dos Santos feat Quest (2013)
2. Just The Way You Are - Bruno Mars (2010)
3. Closer - The Chainsmokers feat Halsey  (2016)
4. Rolling in the Deep - Adele (2011)
5. Maybe The Night - Ben & Ben (2018)
6. Perfect - Ed Sheeran (2017)
7. Lost Stars – Adam Levine (2014)
8. Somebody That I Used to Know - Gotye feat Kimbra (2012)
9. Shut Up and Dance - Walk The Moon (2015)
10.  Lover - Taylor Swift (2019)

11. Moves Like Jagger - Maroon Five feat Christina Aguilera (2011)
12. Buwan - Juan Karlos (2018)
13. Uptown Funk - Marc Ronson feat Bruno Mars (2015)
14. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry (2010)
15. Some Nights - fun.   (2012)
16. Thinking Out Loud – Ed Sheeran (2014)
17. Remember Me - Coco cast (2017)
18. Versace on the Floor - Bruno Mars (2016)
19. Ikot Ikot - Sarah Geronimo (2013)
20.  Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi (2019)

21. Walang Natira - Gloc 9 feat Sheng Belmonte (2011)
22. Just Give Me a Reason - Pink feat Nate Ruess (2013)
23. Love The Way You Lie - Eminem feat Rihanna (2010)
24. Secret Love Song - Little Mix feat Jason DeRulo (2016)
25. Dahil Sa'Yo - Inigo Pascual (2017) 
26. All of Me – John Legend (2014)
27. Gangnam Style – PSY (2012)
28. Pumped Up Kicks - Foster The People (2011)
29. Mundo - IV of Spades (2018)
30.  Cake By The Ocean - DNCE (2015)

31. Hello - Adele (2015)
32. Shape of You - Ed Sheeran (2017)
33. Hey, Soul Sister - Train (2010)
34. Rude – MAGIC!  (2014)
35. Falling In - Lifehouse (2011)
36. Let It Go - Idina Menzel (2013)
37. When We We're Young - Adele  (2015)
38. Sila - Sud (2016)
39. The Greatest Show - The Greatest Showman Ensemble (2018)
40.  Tala - Sarah Geronimo (2016)

41. Shake It Out - Florence + The Machine (2012)
42. Sana - I Belong to the Zoo (2018)
43.Say You Won't Let Go - James Arthur (2016)
44. Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen  (2012)
45. Stay With Me – Sam Smith (2014)
46. That's What I Like - Bruno Mars (2017)
47. Love Yourself - Justin Bieber (2015)
48.  Mahal Ko o Mahal Ako – KZ Tandingan (2014)
49. Clarity - Zedd feat Foxes (2013)
50.  Kung 'Di Rin Lang Ikaw  - December Avenue feat. Moira Dela Torre (2018)

51. Triangulo - Thyro & Yumi feat Jeric Medina (2015)
52. Kilometro – Sarah Geronimo (2014)
53. Never Enough - Loren Allred (2018)
54. Someone Like You - Adele (2011)
55.  Love Me Like You Do- Ellie Goulding (2015)
56. Hangover - Sugarfree (2010)
57. It's Time - Imagine Dragons (2012)
58.  Di Lang Ikaw - Juris (2010)
59. Counting Stars - One Republic (2013)
60. Sa’yo – Silent Sanctuary (2014)

61. Shake It Off – Taylor Swift (2014)
62. Airplanes - B.o.B feat Hayley Williams (2010)
63. Payphone - Maroon Five feat Wiz Khalifa (2012)
64. Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots (2016)
65. Bang Bang - Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj and Jessie J (2014)
66. Royals - Lorde (2013)
67. High Hopes - Panic! at the Disco (2018)
68. Ikaw – Yeng Constantino (2014)
69.  In The Name of  Love - Martin Garrix feat Bebe Rexha  (2016)
70. Thunder - Imagine Dragons (2017)

71, Sugar - Maroon Five (2015)
72. Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke feat Pharell & T.I (2013
73. Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO feat. Lauren Bennett and GoonRock (2011)
74. She's So Mean - Matchbox Twenty (2012)
75. Sidekick - Dawin (2017)
76, Rumour Has It - Adele (2011)
77. Pyramid - Charice feat Iyaz (2010)
78. Happy- Pharell Williams (2013)
79. Hotline Bling - Drake (2015)
80. Price Tag - Jessie J feat B.o.B (2011)

81. Buko - Jireh Lim (2013)
82. She's Kinda Hot - 5 Seconds of Summer (2015)
83. Love Runs Out – One Republic (2014)
84. Between the Raindrops - Lifehouse feat Natasha Bedingfield (2012)
85. Circles - Post Malone (2019)
86. Nothing - The Script (2010)
87. Mirrors - Justin Timberlake (2013)
88. Pagtingin - Ben & Ben (2019)
89. It Will Rain - Bruno Mars (2011)
90. Girls - 1975 (2014)

91. 20 / 20 - Pupil (2011)
92. Bad Guy - Billie Eilish (2019)
93. Hurricane - Lifehouse (2015)
94. Kahit Ayaw Mo Na - This Band (2018)
95. Rhythm of Love - Plain White Ts (2010)
96.  If You Ever Change Your Mind - Marion Aunor (2013)
97. Where My Love Goes - Lawson (2016)
98. I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz (2012)
99. Heavy - Linkin Park feat Kiarra (2017)
100. Somebody To You – The Vamps feat Demi Lovato (2014)

My Hot 100 for 2019

My favorite songs of the year!

1. Lover - Taylor Swift
2. Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi
3. Circles - Post Malone
4. Pagtingin - Ben & Ben
5. Bad Guy - Billie Eilish
6. Hindi na Nga - This Band
7. Ikaw at Linggo - Eamarie Gilayo
8. I Love It - Rob Thomas
9. Speechless - Naomi Scott
10. Blow - Ed Sheeran feat Bruno Mars & Chris Stapleton

11. Bulong - December Avenue
12. ME! - Taylor Swift feat Brendon Urie
13. Walk Me Home - Pink
14. Sunflower - Post Malone & Swae Lee
15. Here With Me - Marshmello feat CHVRCHES
16. Raise Your Flag - KZ Tandingan feat Kritiko
17. Truth Hurts - Lizzo
18. Balang Araw - I Belong to the Zoo
19. Dulo ng Hangganan - IV of Spades
20. Kahit Na Anong Sabihin ng Iba - Unit 406

21. Wow - Post Malone
22. I Don't Care - Ed Sheeran feat Justin Bieber
23. Memories - Maroon Five
24. Dancing with the Stranger - Sam Smith feat Normani
25. Goodbyes - Post Malone feat Young Thug
26. Ex - Callalily feat Yeng Constantino
27. Beautiful People - Ed Sheeran feat Khalid
28. Di Ba Halata - Agsunta
29. I'm So Tired - Lauv & Troye Sivan
30. Call You Mine - The Chainsmokers feat Bebe Rexha

31. Please Me - Cardi B & Bruno Mars
32. Timebomb - Walk The Moon
33. Talk - Khalid
34. A Whole New World - Mena Massoud and Naomi Scott
35. Di Na Babalik - This Band
36. Patawad, Paalam - Moira De La Torre and I Belong to the Zoo
37. Nagbabalik - Rico Blanco and IV of Spades
38. Ikaw at Ako - Moira Dela Torre & Jason Marvin
39. Lie to Me - 5 Seconds of Summer feat Julia Michaels
40. Bad Liar - Imagine Dragons

41. Timeless - Rob Thomas
42. Paalam - Moira Dela Torre and Ben&Ben
43. Dahan - December Avenue
44. Simula ng Dulo - Davey Langit
45. Sweet But Psycho - Ava Max
46. Into the Unknown - Idina Menzel and Aurora
47. Senorita - Shawn Mendes and Camilla Cabello
48. Slow Dance - AJ Mitchell feat Ava Max
49. Lost in the Woods - Jonathan Groff
50. Trip a Little Light Fantastic - Lin-Manuel Miranda

51.  Before it Sinks In - Moira Dela Torre
52. Masyado Pang Maaga - Ben&Ben
53. A Cover is Not a Book - Emily Blunt and Lin-Manuel Miranda
54. Branches - Ben&Ben
55. You Need to Calm Down - Taylor Swift
56. Hey Look Ma, I Made It - Panic at the Disco
57. One Less Day (Dying Young) - Rob Thomas
58.  How Do You Sleep - Sam Smith
59. Take That Man - IV of Spades
60. Show Yourself - Idina Menzel

61. Lost in the Middle of Nowhere - Kane Brown feat Becky G
62. F*** I'm Lonely - Lauv and Anne-Marie
63. Araw Araw - Ben&Ben
64. Con Calma (Remix) - Daddy Yankee feat Katy Perry
65. Hello My Love - Westlife
66. Never Really Over - Katy Perry
67. Old Town Road (remix) - Lil Nas X feat Billy Ray Cyrus
68. Di Ka Mahirap Mahalin - Silent Sanctuary
69. Mabagal -  Moira Dela Torre and Daniel Padilla
70. Where I Belong - Simple Plan, State Champs, We The Kings

71. Motivation - Normani
72, Talk of the Town - Andy Brown
73. Stay Around - American Authors
74. If I Can't Have You - Shawn Mendes
75. Who Do You Love - The Chainsmokers and 5 Seconds of Summer
76. Pauwi Na Ko - PDL, Skusta Clee et al
77. Hanggang Dulo - Paraluman
78. Better Man - Westlife
79. Juice - Lizzo
80. Love Me Anyway - Pink feat Chris Stapleton

81. Alaala - Alekzandra
82. Sucker - Jonas Brothers
83. One Thing Right - Marshmello feat Kane Brown
84. Kills You Slowly - The Chainsmokers
85.  So Am I - Ava Max
86. 7 Rings - Ariana Grande
87. Carry Me Away - John Mayer
88. Ano Bang Meron - Rayt Carreon
89. Good As Hell - Lizzo
90. Pangarap Kong Pangarap Mo - Zephanie

91. Lose You to Love Me - Selena Gomez
92. Boy with Luv - BTS feat Halsey
93. Pag-ibig Fortune Cookie - MNL48
94. Harder - Jax Jones feat Bebe Rexha
95. Kill This Love - Blackpink
96. 3 Nights - Dominic Finke
97. Christmas Tree Farm - Taylor Swift
98. Dance Monkey - Tones and I
99. 10,000 Hours - Dan & Shay feat Justin Bieber
100. The Ballad of the Lonesome Cowboy - Chris Stapleton

***

My Hot 100 for 2018

My Hot 100 for 2017

My Hot 100 for 2016

My Hot 100 for 2015

My Hot 100 for 2014

 My Hot 100 for 2013

My Hot 100 for 2012 
My Hot 100 for 2011
My Hot 100 for 2010
My Hot 100 for 2009  
My Hot 100 for 2008
My Hot 100 for 2007

Believe

One of my favorite modern Christmas songs. It just speaks to me on a deeper level now that I'm an adult.

In just a few hours, it's Christmas. It just not the same but you know I'm thankful because despite my general feeling of negativity the past few years, I still get to spend Christmas with my family who are all healthy and away from harm. I feel so ungrateful at times when I feel so resentful about certain aspects of my life but times like this, it does give me a reminder of what I have and how I should cherish the moment,

Major

So I tomorrow I will try to end one of the things that is holding me back. It's a repercussion of me playing things safe. It's a big move from me and it involves money. I have limited funds so this decision is giving me so much anxiety right now. I could have solved this long ago if I made better decision and took risk earlier but it's too late. Now I have to salvage it before things get even more complicated and give me more anxiety.

Cycle

Well, I'm blogging because as expected I'm once again feeling crappy. My backpack which I have been using for years broke big time today. I had to commute so  I placed my bag on a paper bag and just when I was about the ride the van home the paper bag broke, so yeah it was such a hassle. Things got even worse because I had to give up my seat in the van to a middle-aged married couple can seat together. I could't say no because you know an adult man saying no to that is impolite. And it's really no big deal anyway. But the seat I had in return was so cramped. I'm a fat guy so I squeezed myself as tight as possible. And I had to hold this broken paper bag holding my broken bag. My butt and legs were aching all throughout the trip. Add to the stress is I learned my parents had a fight today due to a small thing actually. I filed a leave tomorrow because my parents asked me to look after my nephew because they have something to do but now that they're not in good terms, I had to accompany my father tomorrow because my mother won't go. I was planning to do some work-from-home stuff but I can't say no of course because there would be conflict. I can't openly express my feelings because if they noticed this could lead to another unnecessary issue. I don't want any of that. And it's really just a small thing so yeah as I always I need to adjust so everyone can be comfortable. I know these so-called problems is really just a small thing compared to what other people are experiencing so I need to keep things in check. But man sometimes it's just hard for me dealing with this kind of stuff. The past few years, as shown on this blog, I've been tormented by my frustrations in life. I cope up with this avoiding thinking this way, removing myself from situations where it could be triggered. Distracting myself with the frivolities of life. But ultimately I always end up feeling this way. My insecurity has gotten worst to be honest. You see whenever I see a balding man on the street, I can help but look at their bald spots and imagine that's how I look like now. I thought I could handle balding better but no. I know this is such a small issue but you see I can't deny it anymore that I feel so devastated going bald this early. Why even in this I can't catch a break?
Overweight, balding with a so-so financial status. Oh wow, I do deserve this mediocre life because I'm lazy to take risks. Such a weakling.

Damaged Goods

I watched the latest episode of Young Sheldon earlier and unexpectedly got me emotional because of one character. Dr. Sturgis is an old scientist who broke up with Sheldon's grandmother because he is "damaged goods". He had mental health issues and decided that he could not put someone else in this kind of relationship.  She was his first ever girlfriend in his senior year at that! He felt that he is better off alone and not trouble anyone else. Now that he found someone for him, he let it go because he does not want to be the person that drags someone down with him. This show is generally a likable pleasant comedy but it has a lot of heart which is why I'm into it. But I didn't expect to be affected this way. It was the way Dr. Sturgis described himself as "damaged goods" that touched a nerve. It felt like the perfect words to describe how I sadly see myself. I'm damaged goods so I'm better off alone and not pull someone else down with me to the gutter. For the longest time, I thought I'm okay with this. I thought about how I will be at this age back in my teens. But I know in my heart that  I hoped it won't be the case. But looks like it is where I am heading to. I've come to terms with it long ago and but maybe it wasn't really the case because how could a random moment like that on a TV show gave me such feels?

Honestly, I was planning not to dwell with this thoughts but I came home and felt anxious because of an incident. And now here I am typing my feelings away in this blog that has become a repository of my recurring and never-ending anxiety-filled thoughts.

Bury it deep.

Sucker

 Some random thing could trigger this feeling again. I feel so inadequate. At 32 years old, I haven't really achieved anything. In my college days, I felt like I was probably never going to get married and now I'm at the age where a lot of friends and acquaintances are married and raising their  own families and I feel envious. I don't admit it to anyone but yeah I do. I wish I am that stage of my life. I thought I've conditioned myself to have this fate but when reality kicks in, it hits hard. I know married life and raising a family is no walk in the park but still I wish I was in the position where it could be possible. I know still not yet late but I just feel it ain't happening. I just have no capabilities financial and emotional for that kind of life.

I wish I was at least rich you know where I could give at least my parents a luxurious life and where I can give them money that they request me without feeling a little anxious because I don't have that much. I wish I'm the child who was able to give them a lot more of they deserve. They are good parents especially for a sickly child like me. They are now in their 60s and I could definitely feel they are getting old and not the same as they used to be. I'm still able to help financially but just enough to cover the house expenses. I barely have extra to give them more. I wish I was the kind of child that could give my father a new car or  the very least afford all the car maintenance. I wish I was the kind of child that could give them vacations to their beloved hometown or even anywhere.  I wish I could buy my mother a new washing machine or microwave. I wish I could give my father new clothes and shoes. I wish I was able to be the child who spoils them as they enjoy their senior year. But the truth is I just give. enough to pay my share of the electricity, water bill and groceries. Just that and nothing more. It depresses me sometimes that I just can't afford it. '

I feel so envious whenever I see people my age who can buy their own car, own their own house and travel to places for vacation. I can't even shell out money these days to buy new shows and large clothes. I can't even watch a  lot of movies liked I used to. I can't even subscribe to Netflix because too expensive for me.


I really hate how I look. Obese and balding at 32. I look so older than I am supposed. Facing the mirror depresses me so much. I try to be self deprecating about it but this really bothers me a lot. But it's my fault I stress eat. My mother gave me a word earlier because I was this large bag of chips I got annoyed but I stayed quiet because what she is true. I eat too much garbage food and I'm to lazy to stop. I feel heavy. Both literary and figuratively

Earlier I was listening to the radio and the DJs were talking about them getting stressed as they balance work, life and going back to school to take master's. That dream of me again studying again came back and you know I really want to do it but guess can't afford it again.

And there's my journalist dreams. Everytime I read a great piece or listen to a podcast or a great TV show. I wish I can be the who could author that. I wish at least that even if I'm not, I have this great work of passion to be proud about. But I have nothing but just daydreams.


Yes I admit I feel so much envy these days. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I try to contain these feelings but I can't escape from it. It keeps on haunting me.


I know the reason I'm not really successful in life because I play it safe. So afraid of risk. So afraid of rocking the boat. So afraid of change.

Most importantly, I just don't have the right attitude to succeed. I'm okay with mediocrity. That's why I will  never be on top.

Recurring

Now 32 years old.

And I still have the same issues hovering my mind and my heart. I hate this feeling. On the day itself, I tried to do things to relax which I had for a few hours but then I went back to that nagging feeling of distress that I can't seem to escape. There's always discomfort. There's always that worry. 

I have a weekly source of stress lately. It's so frustrating. It happens over and over again. Last week I tried to escape but it literally welcomed me back. And now I went to do stuff then went back to that again. Can't I catch a break? 

I made certain decisions for the convenience of others. I don't want to deal with the stress that comes with pursuing something that will make others uncomfortable. I'm a pushover. I hate it but I just want things to be as calm as possible. I don't want stress and anxiety anymore so I try to control things to avoid that but there's truly no escape because it keeps on coming back. It finds way to taunt me over and over again. 

Looming

I'm worried again. I feel so anxious worrying about the worst case scenario. I should relax and think positively but my fear is overpowering me. I'm already thinking on how I would handle the scenario in case it happens. Can I keep myself together if my worst fears come to fruition? If that happens I really need to be strong and calm because everyone else will be in shambles, so I need to be the rock. This pessimism is really just killing my zest for life.

Yesterday I decided to do something personal to take a break from the anxiety but just as soon as I got home instantly stress welcomed at me at the door. I can't catch a break. Like I can't really do something for personal entertainment, The happiness is just fleeting so why even bother.

Now, I'm in a bad spot again but I gotta be strong and keep that facade because hey I have no choice but be that person.

Outdated

Turning 32 a week from now.  Nothing special planned.  I'm gonna be busy at work because Thursday is always the day where my tasks are piled up. So yeah it will be an ordinary day. I will visit the chapel near the office to pray. My birthday wish is always good health for me and my loved ones and that we  are always away from any form of harm. Everytime I feel so frustrated with some family issue, I always keep in mind that this is still a minor problem and be thankful because things could be worst. And it calms me down and puts me into perspective. So when I feel upset I just keep it inside and just write my frustrations away here on this blog which I believe no I know reads anyway. Blogging in this form is kinda dead.  In a way I like it. I can be open to the universe but barely anyone can read it anymore so I can be more free? I dunno, it's silly I know but it helps me.

I've been having such petty problems that really frustrates me. The shoes I use are damaged, I can still use it so I do. But it frustrates I can't replace it immediately. I can't afford it. My belt is broken too, a superglue just keeping it together. It can't handle my fat. Speaking off, I have a pair of pants that are damaged too. The price I pay for my gluttony.

I have been conscious with my baldness now. I used to be okay with it but I now I wear a cap or beanie in the office. Well, it's cold because of the aircon and yeah I just hate how I look now. I look older than I really am because of my weight and my bald spot. I used to not care but then I had this moment where I looked myself in the mirror and really noticed how ugly I look with this balding hair. I look better with a cap or beanie on covering it. I feel less conscious. I hate the fact that I've lost my hair so young. So frustrating. I don't know what I could have done to stop this. Genes and stress, how can I really fight it.

I'm now again feeling frustrated with my financial status. I've been thinking of talking to my superiors to ask for a raise. But I don't know. I'm too shy and conscious. Last year I did it via e-mail but nothing really happened and I didn't follow it up anymore. So this time I need to tell them personally but I admit I feat of getting rejected. I will feel so bad and maybe resentful. But that's me thinking way too negative early on. Lord please grant me courage.

I don't want to think about it but I can't lie to myself. I feel sad that I will turn 32 in a week and I still feel I haven't achieved anything noteworthy. I'm scared where my future is heading. I feel like I have't really matured enough.  And yeah I feel so lonely. I wish it wasn't this way but it's a lingering feeling I try to fight each day.

Repetitive

It's so frustrating that you know that it's just not gonna change... ever. You should always be on alert or else chaos begins. So tired of it. I'm tired of sumbat. I'm tired of nothing is really sincere, there's always something you need to owe to someone. So tired of trying to make things OK but know their temper should always prevail and one must bow down to. So tried to bottling emotions up and keeping resentments at bay.  Oh what hell-ish life this is. You really try your best to ignore it because when everything pacifies, it's all okay. But it keeps on happening in your unguarded moments.

I'm so unhappy really. But you must not show it. I keep trying to remind other people have it worst over and over again so this feeling won't eat me whole and keep things in perspective. Most of the time I succeed but there are moments like this as I type this that I am reminded it's really not the case. I don't want to whine but I want to let it all out to keep me sane so I can keep the facade that I can face this and battle all the negative energy being pushed at me.

But for how long can I keep this?

I wish there wasn't a but

Today is my 10th anniversary working for the same company. I made a blog about my first day 10 years ago here.

To be honest, I have mixed feelings. Of course I'm grateful to have a stable job for a decade already. A job in an area where I have so much interest and the company has really been a family to me

BUT

There's a but

I wish there wasn't a but.

I just feel like I should be happier and not just be okay. I don't want to leave to be honest because I really like it here. yes I hate to admit I wish it was more financially rewarding. I just feel like I deserve it.  And yes a part of me is frustrated because I feel like I'm way behind where I am supposed to be financially speaking at this point of my life. I'm not broke by any means but I just have enough to be okay. I wish there was more. I wish my financial status is stronger than where I am now.  I wish I could have saved more. I have savings but it's not as big as I hoped it would be. I wish I could have helped more with my family. I wish I could buy more stuff for my parents. They don't ask me that much but I wish I was the child who could really spoil them and give them luxuries. But no I can only give a little more than enough. I wish I have more so I can replace my laptop monitor. I wish I have more so I can have a printer again. I wish I have more so I can buy my nephew his own laptop. I wish I had more so I won't feel stressed when the going gets tough. I wish there was for me to buy those large clothes and pants that I need because I'm so fat right now and plus size attire is just so expensive. And yes I wish there was more for me to afford to take a risk. Try a business venture or send myself back to school to take a Master's degree.I wish I had more that I won't feel so terrible when I make an impulse purchase. I wish I had more so I can see a movie in a theater on a regular basis. I wish I had more so I won't feel so bad when I want something but I can't afford to do so.

Today is a personal milestone and I hate that there's a part of me that feels this way. This was not what I pictured my life to be 10 years ago. I hate to admit but it is what I feel right now

I want to feel better. I really do. I don't want to feel this way every single time I blog.

Unchanged

Elections on  Monday and I dread the results more than ever. It will be disappointing for sure. I can feel it with actual people surround me. Their choices, the people they will vote for. Charisma is deadly. People CHOSE to ignore the obvious and believes on thing that aligns with what they want to hear.

And the "woke" crowd I find problematic as well. I'm all for educating and enlightening people but the tone is just too antagonistic most of the times. What a lot of people don't understand,the more you berate, the more they don't listen. There's that sense of arrogance and superiority complex that turns people off.  I

This is such a difficult time. I blame social media in a way, easier access to misinformation propaganda.

I'm scared with the future. But you gotta hope.  You need to.

Embrace the Meltdown

So tonight my mood was again ruined. It's so tough to deal with out of the blue meltdown. The emotional torture is too much. But I have to be understanding. I have to be sensible. I have to be kind.
Think that other people have it worst! Think that life isn't that hard compared to other people. Just think that way.