Mental Note

So today I dared myself by doing something which I think will be beneficial. It's not a big deal really, just a small thing but somehow has quite affected my anxiety level. It's an experiment if this will turn out good for my well-being. It involves preventing myself from doing something I normally do. I'm doing it in just a short amount of time then if I'm successful enough then maybe it will progress to a longer commitment. It is a random thing that I thought of last night while I was having emotional episode. I'm hoping this 'dare' will be like this (blogging during this pandemic) where at first I just wanna blog again to document this historical moment in our lifetime but later on it became my way to deal with complicated emotions crippling me and it really it has helped a lot. Hopefully, this little plan I have will also have the same effect but first I need to have full commitment. Good luck to me!

Never Be The Same Again

Just like that like that, July is nearing its end. I've been back working at the office for 3 weeks now. Three days only but still glad to have a sense of normalcy in my life again. But still. it's not the same anymore. Life has changed so much in the past 5 months. Aside from the disruption this pandemic brought to our lives, there's just so much going on in society that's been really affecting me a lot. Whenever this thing ends, it won't go back to that life I knew before this nightmare happened. Uncertainty is probably the word that best encapsulates this period of time. I have so many feelings that are all boiling inside me. I need to learn how to deal with this now, finally accept what's in store. But sometimes I still think I can't be that person for so long. I need to cling on to hope no matter how small it is. I need to prevent myself from falling to the jaded oblivion. Oh Dear Lord, please guide me. 

Maybe

I've been watching a LOT of  Abroad In Japan videos on YouTube the past 2 weeks and I feel like it's the type of culture that I could fit right in. Maybe I just long for a culture that's generally respectful and polite. I'm sure their culture ain't perfect as well but the good sides are so ideal for me. Maybe it's a factor of frustration I've been feeling lately as well. I'm seeking an escape so to speak. Maybe I'm just romanticizing a concept and I'm failing to see the flaws because the present is so disheartening. An escape is not the solution but sometimes it's just too much you just want to go a comforting spot. Maybe it's fine as long as you still stay with reality. Maybe someday I could feel so much better with what we have so I won't feel the need to escape. Maybe all these extraordinary circumstances will lead to something better and stronger in the future. Maybe all hope is not lost. I just need to cling on as long as I can

When Algorithm Worked

One recent discovery I had is the YouTube channel Abroad in Japan created by a British guy named Chris Broad who is living in Japan for 8 years now. I discovered it because YouTube recommended it to me maybe because I've been watching a lot of of Vox videos the past few months especially the ones that featured international stories. The video that was suggested to me was his latest upload why he does not like Japanese TV shows so of course it got my attention as I'm also fascinated with TV culture of other countries. The video was informative and funny! I really like Chris Broad's very British dry humor and that's when I fell to the rabbit hole of his videos. This guy is very smart and funny. Unlike most Youtubers these days, he makes really quality and well-thought of videos. Some of the stuff he produced are of high quality as well with top notch production quality. Most of all, his videos are immersive! It really gives a very good look on how life in Japan is. I got fascinated how the Japanese can be so modern in technology but still very traditional in a lot of ways Anyway, this YouTube channel is a delight and a good distraction/escape from the anxiety triggering recent events in this country.

Apathy

When I was in college and a campus journalist, one of the biggest issues is student apathy. The students just don't care about school issues outside their bubble. Voting turnout during student elections is nowhere near 50% even! I remember being a giddy, idealistic freshman getting frustrated that my block is also like that. As years went by, I was proven wrong as it took a certain point in time to see them be as passionate over matters of concern. I remember that time so preciously. I was full of hope and positivity. Now in my early 30s, I'm struggling to hold on to that passion and idealism I once had. ESPECIALLY NOW.  Witnessing horrid acts of selfishness and lack of empathy is seriously disheartening. I'm at this point that I really just want to let go and not care anymore. I will just mind my own business, take care of personal concerns, don't think about the whole picture. Nice guys finish last. I guess that's true. It's a cutthroat world and I don't have it. And I'm glad actually, I can't be that vicious.  If being polite, kind and understanding is not the way to move up then I guess I'm fine in my middling state. I don't know what I feel exactly right now. I accept defeats so easily in the past maybe because I'm a pushover? But this one, accepting this defeat is so hard. It hurts deep inside and now I think maybe being apathetic is the right way to go. 

Payslip

Today is payday and very glad when I saw that my salary for this period is in full. It just takes a whole new meaning these days. Very grateful I still have a job and they are still in good shape to give us full salaries. With what the world is experiencing right now, keeping a job is so important. My sister had to hustle hard with her online selling as her workplace is temporarily closed due to the pandemic. I honestly don't have the skills and confidence like my sister has to sell stuff to her friends, our relatives, and even just acquaintances. If I don't have a job, I honestly don't know how I can fend for myself with just diskarte. But the world today many people have their lives disrupted and finding ways to survive. Some have vulnerable jobs too with so much uncertainty (thinking about those who work for embattled ABS-CBN, the jeepney and UV express drivers, those who work for the tourism industry, those who work in entertainment, those in the food business and so many more). Yesterday, I noticed a sign over at Splash Island that says "Hope to see you December 2020", a marketing campaign that's hopeful but very cautious. I've never seen anything like that before. I do truly hope and pray we will be on the road to recovery by that time. I can't imagine the Christmas season under this devastating situation. 

Near

There's now a positive case here in our subdivision. Scary. We need to be extra careful now. Thankfully, there's no hard lockdown. That was my concern because I want to go the office still. We really need to learn how to deal with this without locking everyone down. The battered economy needs to move and can't afford another pause. Of course, we can't pretend this menace is over or even less threatening. We should always be careful and mindful of our surroundings. It is still of course frustrating that the country seems far from containing this. It makes me hopeless sometimes but that's why I need to be at the office and work. Even if it's just three times a week now because when I'm in the office I get to be more productive and forget about the anxiety I have in this situation. It's not back to normal as the office is half empty now  but at least I get myself preoccupied and not dwell too much with negativity. Working makes me feel hopeful that eventually we will be okay. 

Plug In

So my sister bought a desktop PC for my nephew and I was asked to set it up! I got pressured because I'm not really that type of guy who set things up. When I had a desktop PC in high school, my brother was the won who assembled it. Then I moved to laptop where I don't need any physical set up! Anyway, tt took me an hour to do so but it's working fine now! At least I had basic knowledge which cords and wires needed to be placed. Of course I didn't do it right away the first try, I needed to make mistakes like setting up the wi-fi!  My nephew is excited and glad I didn't disappoint him! My sister and her husband worked hard to get the money to buy this PC so the online school setup for my nephew will be more comfortable for him. It made me think of the other students this coming school, the vast majority won't be able to afford to buy this and also the needed internet connection. My mother even said that since my nephew is the only child this makes it easier, imagine if my sister had more kids, it would be extra complicated.

I worry about the upcoming school year. New system even for the teachers. I hope it can work out fine or at the very least the pandemic would be contained or over soon enough so face to face classes can resume now.

PEx @ 21!

Happy 21st anniversary to my beloved PinoyExchange!

Grateful to all the fun times I had here, all the stuff I've learned and the friendships I made both online and offline. I sometimes read old threads from many years ago for a nostalgia trip and to take a look back at a piece of history. I know it's not the same forum as it was before with Reddit and Social Media in general taking its place but PEx was here when the Internet reach among Filipinos was still very limited. For a time, it was the microcosm of the Philippine society and a witness to several key events. It's a time capsule and I honestly miss the time when message boards were the place where people communicate online and people wy anonymous. Social media has a lot going for it but nowadays it feels chaotic. PEx may be a thing of the past now, but I'm glad PEx is still around. 

Give me this

I had a personal matter that I hoped and prayed will have a positive result. Yesterday's big issue made me forget about worrying about it but later that night I had a hard time sleeping because I thought about that matter that really scared me. I was trying to prepare myself in case of bad news. I've been a big worry wart and "worst case scenario" type of guy as I grow older. It's so hard really but  I need to be tougher in life. I acknowledge that I still have a lot to work on that regard. Anyway, today I faced it and it is not as scary as I initially thought, there are some concerns but workable. Thank God. It's a sigh of relief. It's been tough emotionally. I have to be honest, yesterday's events really affected me so much. Mad, sad, scared. All those emotions I had it all boiled up and it probably affected on why I was so anxious because I just felt like everything is going wrong so perhaps that matter was the next one. Thankfully it wasn't the case. I needed a win.

The Sad Inevitable

So yeah the congress denied ABS CBN's franchise bill . It' done, they will no longer be back on Free broadcast television. I'm truly sad with what happened. No words. I'm tired as well. I expected this to happen but still when it was finally confirmed I can't help but feel heartbroken. This has so many implications really. I'm sad with those who can't feel empathy to those who will lose their jobs. I don't get how can someone be happy with this. Or maybe I can, I just can't  accept people can be like that. I'm not that brave person so I guess I will just do what they want, stay silent from now on. But can I do that? Can I take it? I should just focus with my personal life I guess, I have personal issues especially in the world we live in now. I have a lot of fears right now and I hate feeling this way. 

Stop Think

I'm here at the office killing time while waiting for my videos to finish rendering. I'm quite happy that my goal to have all episodes set to air this month finished editing, so just in case there will be another lockdown or stricter restrictions will be in placed again, the cable channel I work on will have new episodes to air for the entire month while I can work on the daily program grids at home. I still hope it won't be the case although I understand that the rising cases are alarming, however,  we simply can't go back to square one now that the economy is suffering so hard. We are in a lose-lose situation no doubt. How can we balance public health and the economy? I don't have clear answers, to be honest. I'm still scared of course and God knows how much I pour alcohol on my hands lately. The scent of rubbing alcohol is already normal now and has a calming effect. For the first time since the pandemic began, I bought disposable face masks since my cloth masks are in the laundry bin and I was a little taken aback that five pieces now cost over 100 pesos. Just last December it was just 15 pesos for 3 pieces! It's not actually hard to find face masks of all kinds these days so I hope the abundant supply will lower the price eventually. I've also observed that alcohol supply is also good but most sold in stores are the little ones you can put in your pocket. I guess that's a way to keep the supply intact. I do see the bigger bottles but only a few are on display but there's no more panic buying at least. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the situation we are in. So much has changed and it pains me to think that the light is still so far away. For now, I pray hard that my family and loved ones will stay safe and healthy. I also hope by Christmas time, the situation will be better so we can celebrate Christmas the way we used to. This year's Christmas will definitely be different but more meaningful. 

Alarming

Over two thousand cases today and it is the single highest day of the country. Total of 50K cases now.

I don't know what to say anymore. I need to finish some stuff at work tomorrow because I do feel a lockdown in Metro Manila will be coming back again. Four months and no signs of ending soon. Four months and no signs of progress. Four months and looks like it will be back to square one. 

Horrible times.

Quieter Moments

It's been in a week since I returned working here at the office. Right now I'm actually here, I'm just waiting for the videos I edited to finish before I can go home. There are fewer people in the office than last Friday when I was here. I think we are just around 12 here. The near-empty office is seriously making me feel a little sad. It's just so different right now. As I was walking earlier to our office building I saw that the Burger King outlet near our office has closed down. Well, the sign says it's just temporary but who knows now. There are just a few people back in the office and for sure that affected their sales. And this pandemic is far from over. Cases continue to rise. When I'm busy I tend to forget about the world we live in right now but right now when I have nothing more to do that would occupy my mind these thoughts are returning. When can we ever go back to what it used to be? We all don't know the answer. I still refuse to accept this so-called "new normal", this is just temporary I keep telling it to myself. But am I just fooling myself? Will ever go back to that state again? This is such a big test for humanity. Four months of this, how long will this last?  

Seek

An old friend messaged me on Twitter because he wants someone to talk to about the current political situation in the country. We haven't talked in years since he left the company years ago but we still connect on social media from time to time but still not frequently. It surprised me a little but maybe a little flattered that he thought that I'm the right person to talk to, do I look smart enough? haha. Anyway, basically what I got from him is that from all the rage surrounding the current issues, he wants enlightenment, he wants clarity because all he can see are people mad. It was actually a nice experience to hear that kind of perspective really. He wants to understand both sides and I tried to share my insights as well but also was honest to him that at this point now I'm incredibly frustrated and full of angst with a lot of things that sometimes it's hard for me to give certain individuals the benefit of doubt because the wrong things are just so amplified it's so hard to ignore now. I hope he got something from me, maybe he did. I dunno. But what this little online conversation made me think so much the discourse problem we have right now. People asking but not wanting to hear something when it is not what they want to hear, people judging quickly without understand where all of this is coming from. We are really in a crucial point of history where critical thinking and sound reasoning is being engulfed by agendas and extreme opinions. I hope there will come a time, hopefully soon enough, that the level of discussion on issues will improve. 

Good New, Bad News

My uncle's gall bladder operation went smoothly today, thank God! My aunt said he's gonna be released tomorrow. He was supposed to be operated yesterday but got postponed as he was moved to another hospital as advised by the doctor as the original hospital he was confined in just had cases of multiple nurses testing positive for COVID-19 so the operation couldn't be done there and he had to be moved to another one where the doctor is also a resident. That was so scary and my father was visibly worried. He was in a daze that he got the operation time today wrong, he thought it was 6PM but it was actually 6AM. So when he called my aunt he was surprised when she said that the operation is over and it was a success. My father's mood definitely changed today as you can see he is happier now compared to yesterday where you could feel how he was worried for his brother. Thank God things went well.

Now for the bad news, the COVID19 cases in the country is in an all time high over 2,000 cases! Meanwhile, Thailand is now back to normal after more than a month of no new cases! I feel so envious. I don't know when this situation is gonna be contained here. I feel so restless. 

Decision

On Monday, the committee level will decide if ABS-CBN will be given a franchise or not. This is just the first level, there are still more to come before it can finally totally happen. I'm afraid with the way the hearings went, ABS-CBN will not be given one. It really makes me sad. For me, they answered all allegations of violations clearly and even have the backing of some government agencies to validate there was no violation in some of the issues. But it's clear those who were prominently involved in the questionings have already decided what they feel about this and just wants to provoke reactions. This week another blow hit the network when NTC ordered ceast and decease order to the network's digital channels in TV Plus digibox and their direct to home satellite service Sky Direct. This is after the Solicitor General suggested NTC to do so after some congressmen chastised them during the hearing. I don't know what to say anymore. There were multiple cases of lapsed franchise that were still allowed to broadcast as the case of their franchise renewal is still being discussed. The writing is on the wall.  What upsets me is that there are ordinary people enjoying this situation as if this would benefit their lives at all. No empathy to those who will lose their jobs. I don't know what to feel anymore. I will try to the avoid of news of this on Monday, my heart will just be broken. But who am I kidding? I won't be able to avoid this piece of news on Monday. I dread it. 

Read More?

Just noticed my previous blog posts have "read more..". I don't know why. I'm not a techie so I have no clue! Update: Oh I fixed it now, apparently accidentally put in a line break on the first line of the post!

 Anyway,  I'm here at the office and I was able to go to work thanks to company vehicle which goes to Makati from our Cavite satellite uplink facility once a week, he fetched some of us who live here in Cavite. There are 4 of us in the van so physical distancing was observed. On the ride to the office, I had a lengthy conversation with them, and it all boiled down to our shared anxieties during the lockdown and how life it is today. It actually feels better to be able to blurt it all out to another person and also hearing their stories.  It is somehow felt therapeutic. 

Adjustments

A talk I had with a co-worker today is about how much our lives have changed because of this virus and how some of our co-workers decided to leave because they have health concerns and working under this pandemic is not safe for them. It made me sad because one of those who left during the lockdown is our front desk personnel who is like a mother figure to us and it made me sad that we didn't have a proper goodbye here at the office. She's literally the first person I met in this company when I took the exam and had the job interview. But I do feel once everything is safer, our boss will definitely offer their jobs back if they want to.

The people who go to the office? Less than half so having the rule of having one per table at the pantry isn't hard to implement because we ate not many anyway. Some don't work 5 days a week, they rotate schedules. A lot continue to work from home. I would also not go to work 5 days a week because well I can't afford to do so because my current transportation expense doubled due to paying quite high for the carpool. My one day expense is equivalent to two days back in the "old normal". So I really worked hard the past 3 days to maximize my time. I'm in the office before 6:30 AM and I leave around 4PM. Today I was glad to meet some work goals because it will allow me to not go to the office frequently next week. I'm still terrified of the virus and I have been so cautious like I have face masks and face shield and it's quite uncomfortable when walking but hey little sacrifices. Each fast food and restaurant that I pass by makes me sad because there's so few people.  

I definitely miss the busy atmosphere and I hope sooner or later, I get to the feel that again.

Day 2

So my second day of returning to work and I maximized my time a lot. I've been doing the editing of the new episodes of the shows airing on the cable channel I coordinate for now since my editor is in his hometown in Tarlac and can't go here which I totally understand. I do think he is on the verge of resigning as well as some of his closest friends at work apparently resigned in the middle of the lockdown. I've been here for 11 years and I've noticed when there's a close group of young employees, once someone leaves eventually nearly all part of the group will leave one by one. Anyway, I'm not a video editing expert all I know is just the basics so yeah I have no choice but do the task now since the channel had been in reruns for 3 months already.

Walking the streets of Ayala Avenue on my way to my ride home felt sad because it's so empty. Not literally of course but there's a sense of quietness but not the calm kind. I've also seen so many convenient stores and jollijeeps closed and buildings with signs they have office spaces for leases. The road also feels strange not seeing any jeep around anymore. There are a few buses too. I terribly miss life before this nightmare happened.