I'm worried again. I feel so anxious worrying about the worst case scenario. I should relax and think positively but my fear is overpowering me. I'm already thinking on how I would handle the scenario in case it happens. Can I keep myself together if my worst fears come to fruition? If that happens I really need to be strong and calm because everyone else will be in shambles, so I need to be the rock. This pessimism is really just killing my zest for life.
Yesterday I decided to do something personal to take a break from the anxiety but just as soon as I got home instantly stress welcomed at me at the door. I can't catch a break. Like I can't really do something for personal entertainment, The happiness is just fleeting so why even bother.
Now, I'm in a bad spot again but I gotta be strong and keep that facade because hey I have no choice but be that person.
Sunday, September 01, 2019
Thursday, August 29, 2019
Outdated
Turning 32 a week from now. Nothing special planned. I'm gonna be busy at work because Thursday is always the day where my tasks are piled up. So yeah it will be an ordinary day. I will visit the chapel near the office to pray. My birthday wish is always good health for me and my loved ones and that we are always away from any form of harm. Everytime I feel so frustrated with some family issue, I always keep in mind that this is still a minor problem and be thankful because things could be worst. And it calms me down and puts me into perspective. So when I feel upset I just keep it inside and just write my frustrations away here on this blog which I believe no I know reads anyway. Blogging in this form is kinda dead. In a way I like it. I can be open to the universe but barely anyone can read it anymore so I can be more free? I dunno, it's silly I know but it helps me.
I've been having such petty problems that really frustrates me. The shoes I use are damaged, I can still use it so I do. But it frustrates I can't replace it immediately. I can't afford it. My belt is broken too, a superglue just keeping it together. It can't handle my fat. Speaking off, I have a pair of pants that are damaged too. The price I pay for my gluttony.
I have been conscious with my baldness now. I used to be okay with it but I now I wear a cap or beanie in the office. Well, it's cold because of the aircon and yeah I just hate how I look now. I look older than I really am because of my weight and my bald spot. I used to not care but then I had this moment where I looked myself in the mirror and really noticed how ugly I look with this balding hair. I look better with a cap or beanie on covering it. I feel less conscious. I hate the fact that I've lost my hair so young. So frustrating. I don't know what I could have done to stop this. Genes and stress, how can I really fight it.
I'm now again feeling frustrated with my financial status. I've been thinking of talking to my superiors to ask for a raise. But I don't know. I'm too shy and conscious. Last year I did it via e-mail but nothing really happened and I didn't follow it up anymore. So this time I need to tell them personally but I admit I feat of getting rejected. I will feel so bad and maybe resentful. But that's me thinking way too negative early on. Lord please grant me courage.
I don't want to think about it but I can't lie to myself. I feel sad that I will turn 32 in a week and I still feel I haven't achieved anything noteworthy. I'm scared where my future is heading. I feel like I have't really matured enough. And yeah I feel so lonely. I wish it wasn't this way but it's a lingering feeling I try to fight each day.
I've been having such petty problems that really frustrates me. The shoes I use are damaged, I can still use it so I do. But it frustrates I can't replace it immediately. I can't afford it. My belt is broken too, a superglue just keeping it together. It can't handle my fat. Speaking off, I have a pair of pants that are damaged too. The price I pay for my gluttony.
I have been conscious with my baldness now. I used to be okay with it but I now I wear a cap or beanie in the office. Well, it's cold because of the aircon and yeah I just hate how I look now. I look older than I really am because of my weight and my bald spot. I used to not care but then I had this moment where I looked myself in the mirror and really noticed how ugly I look with this balding hair. I look better with a cap or beanie on covering it. I feel less conscious. I hate the fact that I've lost my hair so young. So frustrating. I don't know what I could have done to stop this. Genes and stress, how can I really fight it.
I'm now again feeling frustrated with my financial status. I've been thinking of talking to my superiors to ask for a raise. But I don't know. I'm too shy and conscious. Last year I did it via e-mail but nothing really happened and I didn't follow it up anymore. So this time I need to tell them personally but I admit I feat of getting rejected. I will feel so bad and maybe resentful. But that's me thinking way too negative early on. Lord please grant me courage.
I don't want to think about it but I can't lie to myself. I feel sad that I will turn 32 in a week and I still feel I haven't achieved anything noteworthy. I'm scared where my future is heading. I feel like I have't really matured enough. And yeah I feel so lonely. I wish it wasn't this way but it's a lingering feeling I try to fight each day.
Saturday, August 24, 2019
Repetitive
It's so frustrating that you know that it's just not gonna change... ever. You should always be on alert or else chaos begins. So tired of it. I'm tired of sumbat. I'm tired of nothing is really sincere, there's always something you need to owe to someone. So tired of trying to make things OK but know their temper should always prevail and one must bow down to. So tried to bottling emotions up and keeping resentments at bay. Oh what hell-ish life this is. You really try your best to ignore it because when everything pacifies, it's all okay. But it keeps on happening in your unguarded moments.
I'm so unhappy really. But you must not show it. I keep trying to remind other people have it worst over and over again so this feeling won't eat me whole and keep things in perspective. Most of the time I succeed but there are moments like this as I type this that I am reminded it's really not the case. I don't want to whine but I want to let it all out to keep me sane so I can keep the facade that I can face this and battle all the negative energy being pushed at me.
But for how long can I keep this?
I'm so unhappy really. But you must not show it. I keep trying to remind other people have it worst over and over again so this feeling won't eat me whole and keep things in perspective. Most of the time I succeed but there are moments like this as I type this that I am reminded it's really not the case. I don't want to whine but I want to let it all out to keep me sane so I can keep the facade that I can face this and battle all the negative energy being pushed at me.
But for how long can I keep this?
Monday, July 01, 2019
I wish there wasn't a but
Today is my 10th anniversary working for the same company. I made a blog about my first day 10 years ago here.
To be honest, I have mixed feelings. Of course I'm grateful to have a stable job for a decade already. A job in an area where I have so much interest and the company has really been a family to me
BUT
There's a but
I wish there wasn't a but.
I just feel like I should be happier and not just be okay. I don't want to leave to be honest because I really like it here. yes I hate to admit I wish it was more financially rewarding. I just feel like I deserve it. And yes a part of me is frustrated because I feel like I'm way behind where I am supposed to be financially speaking at this point of my life. I'm not broke by any means but I just have enough to be okay. I wish there was more. I wish my financial status is stronger than where I am now. I wish I could have saved more. I have savings but it's not as big as I hoped it would be. I wish I could have helped more with my family. I wish I could buy more stuff for my parents. They don't ask me that much but I wish I was the child who could really spoil them and give them luxuries. But no I can only give a little more than enough. I wish I have more so I can replace my laptop monitor. I wish I have more so I can have a printer again. I wish I have more so I can buy my nephew his own laptop. I wish I had more so I won't feel stressed when the going gets tough. I wish there was for me to buy those large clothes and pants that I need because I'm so fat right now and plus size attire is just so expensive. And yes I wish there was more for me to afford to take a risk. Try a business venture or send myself back to school to take a Master's degree.I wish I had more that I won't feel so terrible when I make an impulse purchase. I wish I had more so I can see a movie in a theater on a regular basis. I wish I had more so I won't feel so bad when I want something but I can't afford to do so.
Today is a personal milestone and I hate that there's a part of me that feels this way. This was not what I pictured my life to be 10 years ago. I hate to admit but it is what I feel right now
I want to feel better. I really do. I don't want to feel this way every single time I blog.
To be honest, I have mixed feelings. Of course I'm grateful to have a stable job for a decade already. A job in an area where I have so much interest and the company has really been a family to me
BUT
There's a but
I wish there wasn't a but.
I just feel like I should be happier and not just be okay. I don't want to leave to be honest because I really like it here. yes I hate to admit I wish it was more financially rewarding. I just feel like I deserve it. And yes a part of me is frustrated because I feel like I'm way behind where I am supposed to be financially speaking at this point of my life. I'm not broke by any means but I just have enough to be okay. I wish there was more. I wish my financial status is stronger than where I am now. I wish I could have saved more. I have savings but it's not as big as I hoped it would be. I wish I could have helped more with my family. I wish I could buy more stuff for my parents. They don't ask me that much but I wish I was the child who could really spoil them and give them luxuries. But no I can only give a little more than enough. I wish I have more so I can replace my laptop monitor. I wish I have more so I can have a printer again. I wish I have more so I can buy my nephew his own laptop. I wish I had more so I won't feel stressed when the going gets tough. I wish there was for me to buy those large clothes and pants that I need because I'm so fat right now and plus size attire is just so expensive. And yes I wish there was more for me to afford to take a risk. Try a business venture or send myself back to school to take a Master's degree.I wish I had more that I won't feel so terrible when I make an impulse purchase. I wish I had more so I can see a movie in a theater on a regular basis. I wish I had more so I won't feel so bad when I want something but I can't afford to do so.
Today is a personal milestone and I hate that there's a part of me that feels this way. This was not what I pictured my life to be 10 years ago. I hate to admit but it is what I feel right now
I want to feel better. I really do. I don't want to feel this way every single time I blog.
Friday, May 10, 2019
Unchanged
Elections on Monday and I dread the results more than ever. It will be disappointing for sure. I can feel it with actual people surround me. Their choices, the people they will vote for. Charisma is deadly. People CHOSE to ignore the obvious and believes on thing that aligns with what they want to hear.
And the "woke" crowd I find problematic as well. I'm all for educating and enlightening people but the tone is just too antagonistic most of the times. What a lot of people don't understand,the more you berate, the more they don't listen. There's that sense of arrogance and superiority complex that turns people off. I
This is such a difficult time. I blame social media in a way, easier access to misinformation propaganda.
I'm scared with the future. But you gotta hope. You need to.
And the "woke" crowd I find problematic as well. I'm all for educating and enlightening people but the tone is just too antagonistic most of the times. What a lot of people don't understand,the more you berate, the more they don't listen. There's that sense of arrogance and superiority complex that turns people off. I
This is such a difficult time. I blame social media in a way, easier access to misinformation propaganda.
I'm scared with the future. But you gotta hope. You need to.
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
Embrace the Meltdown
So tonight my mood was again ruined. It's so tough to deal with out of the blue meltdown. The emotional torture is too much. But I have to be understanding. I have to be sensible. I have to be kind.
Think that other people have it worst! Think that life isn't that hard compared to other people. Just think that way.
Think that other people have it worst! Think that life isn't that hard compared to other people. Just think that way.
Thursday, February 28, 2019
FOURTEEN
This month this blog turned 14 years old! I'm really happy Blogger still exists up to this day. I kinda regretted that some of my key blogs died with Multiply before, I should have backed it up here hahaha
Anyway, this place has become a safe place for me of some sort. I hope that I will be able to write better this year and less with angst. Writing my angst here has been a good outlet for me to feel catharsis. But I wish I will be able to write some happier things soon. Less angst, more hope.
God please guide me
Anyway, this place has become a safe place for me of some sort. I hope that I will be able to write better this year and less with angst. Writing my angst here has been a good outlet for me to feel catharsis. But I wish I will be able to write some happier things soon. Less angst, more hope.
God please guide me
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
Ten
On my first job interview, I was asked how do I see myself 10 years from now. I remember answering it confidently, “I will be working here on a managerial position fulfilling my passion as I lead the company to greater heights”. I pictured myself earning so well that I’ll be raising my own family with a comfortable lifestyle. Flash forward today and those 10 years have already passed. This coming March, it had already been eleven years since I graduated from college. So where am I at this point in my life?
I was hired by that company but I lasted only three months because I felt that the working culture does not suit me. A few weeks later I accepted a job that is barely connected to the degree I finished but the salary was above average for an entry-level employee so why not? I did very poorly on that job and I resigned after five months. I wanted to spare myself of the embarrassment of getting fired so I quit before they could even do so. In less than a year after I graduated, I already had two short stint jobs. Things are not going the way I was hoping. Scratch that, my life is not heading to the path I wanted. I was so frustrated because back in school I was a very diligent student. I make cautious decisions because I want everything in order and fool-proof. Back-to-back failures are something I didn’t expect I would face post-graduation. Still, I marched on hoping to eventually find my place in the working world.
One day I actually found myself facing an opportunity to work for a dream company. A job that I’ve been dreaming of since I was a child. But before I could say “yes”, the person interviewing me asked if I’m okay with the starting salary. Only at that moment did I realize that I didn’t think what I will be earning. I was just too excited that I’m so close on finally landing that dream job. When I found out how much it is, my heart sank. It was too low. The interviewer was frank and told me that financial growth in that industry is slow and that only passion can help you last longer. With a heavy heart, I declined the job offer. On my way home, I kept on thinking if I made the right choice. What if that was the only window of opportunity to pursue my passion? My heart wanted to take the risk but my brain stopped me. It was simply not practical to pursue a job where I would be on the losing end financially. Passion will not pay the bills. Back in college, I was so committed to pursuing my passion but the real world will indeed find a way to challenge the way you view life.
Letting go of a lifelong dream was hard but I had to move on. When I entered my third job I swore to myself that no matter what challenge or stressful situation I face I won’t back down easily. Fortunately nearly ten years later I’m still here doing a job I’m interested in with a good enough income. But am I near where I envisioned myself ten years ago? Not even close. Now in my early 30s it does worry me that I may never reach that goal. As much as my idealism withered over time, there’s still that fire in my heart telling me to not give up. Perhaps it will take another ten years or so before I will be the person I wanted to be ten years ago but I will continue walking forward.
Monday, December 31, 2018
My 10 Favorite Podcasts of 2018
My new passion this year is listening to podcasts! It started when I discovered there are available podcasts on Spotify and then I fell deep into the rabbit hole and discovered a lot of podcasts about a lot of things. My particular topic that I'm very into is narrative journalism! Podcasts are perfect to listen while I do paperwork at work and commuting (it actually takes my mind off traffic!). Anyway, here are the podcast that got my ears busy this year!
1. This American Life
- My absolute favorite because it is narrative journalism at its finest. This is a radio that started over 20 years ago and tells various stories under one theme each week. My favorite are the slice of life stories the best
2. Heavyweight
- This podcast features stories of individuals trying to resolved something in their past that was left unresolved. Each episodes are funny and emotional and I absolutey the host's dry humor as well.
3. Kind World
- Short stories of people extending their hand to other people in various ways. This podcast somehow help restore my faith in humanity in this era of outlandish aggressive toxic behavior
4. Household Name
- Each a popular company brand is featured and unknown story about them is told. The often tell fascinating and engaging stories
5. Reply All
- A podcast about the Internet but not strictly about it as well. I love the episodes when they feature Internet subcultures I don't know existed and also stories about how some online event has led to bigger impact in real life
6. Serial
-of course the most popular podcast of them all. The first season is the most popular one and that's not a suprise because the way they narrated the crime was really engrossing. The latest season released this year was also fantastic as well as it deals with the criminal system
7. Start Up
- The podcast about starting a business, the first season was about the podcast company itsefl Gimlet and it was such an engaging journey. The later seasons were more flexible and not just strictly about start ups and business just like this year they released seasons about starting a Church and a charter school.
8. Endless Thread
- A podcast about stories that were found on Reddit! It's kind like Reply All in a way because it stories that stems from the Internet. The topics are as wide as the scope of Reddit is and the stories are always so fascinating especially when they get to interview the people behind the usernames
9. Imagine Life
- This is a narrative podcast where the listener is told the story of a famous person in second person point of view and they only reveal who the person at the end of each episode This is an immersive listening experience and it's actually quite fun when you figure out who the person is before the reveal due to the context clues they drop in.
10. Dr. Death
- This is a podcast that really made me so mad as it is about a surgeon who is so inept that ultimately led to serious damage to a lot of patiens and worse death to some. What's more infuriating about this is how the system of being afraid to fire a doctor enable him to do this big damage.
1. This American Life
- My absolute favorite because it is narrative journalism at its finest. This is a radio that started over 20 years ago and tells various stories under one theme each week. My favorite are the slice of life stories the best
2. Heavyweight
- This podcast features stories of individuals trying to resolved something in their past that was left unresolved. Each episodes are funny and emotional and I absolutey the host's dry humor as well.
3. Kind World
- Short stories of people extending their hand to other people in various ways. This podcast somehow help restore my faith in humanity in this era of outlandish aggressive toxic behavior
4. Household Name
- Each a popular company brand is featured and unknown story about them is told. The often tell fascinating and engaging stories
5. Reply All
- A podcast about the Internet but not strictly about it as well. I love the episodes when they feature Internet subcultures I don't know existed and also stories about how some online event has led to bigger impact in real life
6. Serial
-of course the most popular podcast of them all. The first season is the most popular one and that's not a suprise because the way they narrated the crime was really engrossing. The latest season released this year was also fantastic as well as it deals with the criminal system
7. Start Up
- The podcast about starting a business, the first season was about the podcast company itsefl Gimlet and it was such an engaging journey. The later seasons were more flexible and not just strictly about start ups and business just like this year they released seasons about starting a Church and a charter school.
8. Endless Thread
- A podcast about stories that were found on Reddit! It's kind like Reply All in a way because it stories that stems from the Internet. The topics are as wide as the scope of Reddit is and the stories are always so fascinating especially when they get to interview the people behind the usernames
9. Imagine Life
- This is a narrative podcast where the listener is told the story of a famous person in second person point of view and they only reveal who the person at the end of each episode This is an immersive listening experience and it's actually quite fun when you figure out who the person is before the reveal due to the context clues they drop in.
10. Dr. Death
- This is a podcast that really made me so mad as it is about a surgeon who is so inept that ultimately led to serious damage to a lot of patiens and worse death to some. What's more infuriating about this is how the system of being afraid to fire a doctor enable him to do this big damage.
My Top 10 Favorite Movies of 2018
Another year where I watched fewer movies than I would want . Anyway, there are 2017 releases but I've only seen them this year (or was released just this year). From the movies I've seen in the theater this year here are my 10 favorites of 2018!
10. Incredibles 2
- A fun and action filled sequel to the Pixar classic.
9. The Greatest Showman
- The story is just okay but the SONGS! The musical sequences elevated it to me.
8. Teen Titans GO! To The Movies
-Teen Titans Go! To The Movies is indeed a movie about getting a movie made. It sounds a little crazy on paper but it totally worked on screen as the humor is so wicked and sharp
7. Searching
Searching is a nifty modern thriller with strong emotional core that will you keep engaged from start to finish.
6. Ralph Breaks The Internet
- An imaginative and action filled sequel to the 2012 original. The sequence with the Disney Princesses was the highlight, so funny!
5. Smallfoot
Smallfoot is a pleasant surprise as it went beyond simple kiddie entertainment as it explored deep ideas of bending the truth and blind faith
4. Exes Baggage
I felt that this movie was able to capture a relationship by regular folks in this modern era and the soundtrack just added to a fantastic movie experience. And the ending I love it! Not exactly new but the way they build the scene was glorious.
3. Ang Dalawang Mrs Reyes
The movie was marketed as a broad comedy about wives discovering that their husbands are gay and in a relationship. But the movie is so much more than that. It's a great dissection of not just sexual identity but also about relationships and dealing with pain.
2. Changing Partners
This Cinema One original is a fantastic and unique musical which tells the story of four couples of various gender and age gap (played by four actors switching characters) and firmly expresses that no matter what the differences, romantic relationship have similar struggles and challenges.
1. Signal Rock
-The story of the go-to guy of a remote community. This movie perfectly captured what it's like to be the shock absorber and how one takes the extra mile just to solve out problems and issues even if you are not really directly involved. It is also a loving portrait small town life and how the social community functions.
10. Incredibles 2
- A fun and action filled sequel to the Pixar classic.
9. The Greatest Showman
- The story is just okay but the SONGS! The musical sequences elevated it to me.
8. Teen Titans GO! To The Movies
-Teen Titans Go! To The Movies is indeed a movie about getting a movie made. It sounds a little crazy on paper but it totally worked on screen as the humor is so wicked and sharp
7. Searching
Searching is a nifty modern thriller with strong emotional core that will you keep engaged from start to finish.
6. Ralph Breaks The Internet
- An imaginative and action filled sequel to the 2012 original. The sequence with the Disney Princesses was the highlight, so funny!
5. Smallfoot
Smallfoot is a pleasant surprise as it went beyond simple kiddie entertainment as it explored deep ideas of bending the truth and blind faith
4. Exes Baggage
I felt that this movie was able to capture a relationship by regular folks in this modern era and the soundtrack just added to a fantastic movie experience. And the ending I love it! Not exactly new but the way they build the scene was glorious.
3. Ang Dalawang Mrs Reyes
The movie was marketed as a broad comedy about wives discovering that their husbands are gay and in a relationship. But the movie is so much more than that. It's a great dissection of not just sexual identity but also about relationships and dealing with pain.
2. Changing Partners
This Cinema One original is a fantastic and unique musical which tells the story of four couples of various gender and age gap (played by four actors switching characters) and firmly expresses that no matter what the differences, romantic relationship have similar struggles and challenges.
1. Signal Rock
-The story of the go-to guy of a remote community. This movie perfectly captured what it's like to be the shock absorber and how one takes the extra mile just to solve out problems and issues even if you are not really directly involved. It is also a loving portrait small town life and how the social community functions.
Favorites from the past years:
My 10 Favorite Comedy TV Series Episodes of 2018
Here is my annual rundown of my favorite episodes of the sitcoms/comedy programs I watched this year. Like in previous years for variety purposes I just chose one episode per show.
1. The Middle Season 9, Episode 24 "One Heck of a Ride"
- The final episode of one of my all time favorite TV shows. It was perfect end to this simple but relatable show. The finale had a great final shot of just the Hecks in a car where there best scenes of the series usually occur. I will definitely not forget this show.
2. Young Sheldon Season 2, Episode 3 "A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens"
- Sheldon's mother Mary had a crisis of faith and Sheldon unlikely helps her restore it. This is such a sweet episodes that showcased that no matter what the difference of beliefs, love can unite us all.
3. Superstore Season 4 Episode 5 "Delivery Day"
- Dina and Amy goes to labor at the same day and the episode showcased in a funny yet enlightening way the importance of health insurance you get from work and how drastically different it is for the working class.
4. Will & Grace Season 10 Episode 4 "Who's Sorry Now"
- Grace reads an old letter from Will back in the day they were dating and how he was struggling to tell her who he really is. I've been enjoying this series' revival and I'm glad that in an episode like this they never forger the root for the duo's strong friendship
5. The Big Bang Theory Season 11 Episode 24 "The Bow Tie Symmetry"
- Amy and Sheldon gets married! Such a fun episode and glad to see it didn't have the classic sitcom wedding hijinks because that would be predictable. Later on they released two scenes that didn't make the final cut and it's a pity because those scenes involve MeeMaw and the late Stephen Hawking
6. The Good Place Season 2 Episode 9 "Leap of Faith"
- In this episode, Michael reveals to Eleonor and company that they are indeed in the bad place and just when you thought the story jumps the shark but nope it takes them to another level which is exciting. I'm constantly amazed how this could reboot itself and still not run out of creative ways to move the story forward.
7. Speechless Season 2 Episode 18 "N-o-Nominee"
- JJ wins two awards at a film festival and discovers one chose him because of his disability. I'm impressed with how the show handles having the central character with special needs without the usual patronizing like a lot of shows do and this episode perfectly showcased it
8. Bob's Burgers Season 9 Episode 3 "Tweentreprenuers"
- The Belcher kids encounter a taste of "corporate life" for a school activity. This show is just so clever on how they presented the essence of corporate politics on an Elementary school setting.
9. Mom Season 6 Episode 9 "Jell-O Shots and the Truth about Santa"
- After nearly two years of absence, Christy talks to her daughter Violet again but in a podcast! This episode is again another example of how the show masterfully balances comedy and it's more serious tone of the struggles of redemption.
10. Disenchantment Season 1 Episode 1 "A Princess, an Elf and a Demon Walk into a Bar"
- My favorite new show of the year is this animated comedy from Netflix, Disenchanted is not the fairy tale you expect s it shakes up the medieval fantasy genre with its brand of imaginative wit and sharp puns
Sunday, December 30, 2018
My Hot 100 for 2018
My favorite songs of the year!
- Maybe The Night - Ben & Ben
- The Greatest Show - The Greatest Showman Ensemble
- Buwan - Juan Karlos
- High Hopes - Panic! at the Disco
- Mundo - IV of Spades
- Sana - I Belong to the Zoo
- Never Enough - Loren Allred
- Finesse (Remix) - Bruno Mars feat Cardi B
- This Feeling - The Chainsmokers feat Kelsea Ballerini
- Eastside - Benny Blanco, Halsey and Khalid
- New Light - John Mayer
- Isa Pang Araw - Sarah Geronimo
- The Middle - Zed, Marren Morris and Grey
- Akala - Marion
- Solo - Clean Bandit feat Demi Lovato
- Kung 'Di Rin Lang Ikaw - December Avenue ft. Moira Dela Torre
- This is Me - Kealla Settle
- Rewrite The Stars - Zac Efron & Zendaya
- Kathang Isip - Ben & Ben
- Done for Me - Charlie Puth feat Kehlani
- Happier - Ed Sheeran
- Sit Next to Me - Foster the People
- Takipsilim - Autotelic
- Sa Ngalan ng Pag ibig - December Avenue
- Girls Like You - Maroon Five feat Cardi B
- Hunger - Florence + The Machine
- Have it All - Jason Mraz
- Connection - One Republic
- Cebuana - Karencitta
- Kababata - Kritiko feat Kyla
- Dura - Daddy Yankee
- Say Amen (Saturday Night) - Panic! at the Disco
- These Days - Rudimental feat Jess Glyne and Macklemore
- Ako Muna - Yeng Constantino
- Stay - All American Rejects
- Di Na Muli - Itchyworms
- Don't Go Breaking My Heart - Backstreet Boys
- All The Stars - Kendrick Lamar feat SZA
- A Million Dreams - The Greatest Showman cast
- One Kiss - Calvin Harris feat Dua Lipa
- Give Yourself a Try - 1975
- Say Something - Justin Timberlake feat Chris Stapleton
- Rise - Jonas Blue and Jack & Jack
- Happy Now - Zedd and Elley
- Just My Type - The Vamps
- Psycho - Post Malone feat Ty Dolla Sign
- I Like It - Cardi B, Bad Bunny and J. Balvin
- Pinipigil - Yeng Constantino
- One Day - Logic feat Ryan Tedder
- In My Prison - IV of Spades
- Fix You and Me - Kyla
- Kahit Ayaw Mo Na - This Band
- Happy for You - Jayda
- Side Effects - The Chainsmokers feat Emily Warren
- In My Feelings - Drake
- Boo'd Up - Ella Mai
- Youngblood - 5 Seconds of Summer
- No Tears Left to Cry - Ariana Grande
- Happier - Bastille
- Thru These Tears - LANY
- Para sa Tabi - BoybandPH
- Sa Mga Bituin na Lang Ibubulong - JM De Guzman
- Love Someone - Lukas Graham
- Di Ba Halata - Agsunta
- Tagpuan - Moira
- Taki Taki - DJ Snake feat Selena Gomez, Ozuna and Cardi B
- IDGAF - Dua Lipa
- No Excuses - Meghan Trainor
- Capital Letters - Haille Steinfeld
- Meant to Be - Bebe Rexha feat Florida George Line
- Never Be The Same - Camila Cabello
- I'll Be There - Jess Glyne
- Shallow - Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga
- Malibu Nights - LANY
- If You Leave Me Now - Charlie Puth and Boyz II Men
- Want You Back - 5 Seconds of Summer
- No Apology (Wala Akong Paki) - Karencita
- In My Blood - Shawn Mendes
- Sangria Wine - Pharell Williams feat Camila Cabello
- I'll Never Love Again - Lady Gaga
- Only Gonna Love You - Kyla feat Req
- Whatever It Takes - Imagine Dragons
- Mic Drop (Steve Aoki Remix) - BTS
- Level Up - Ciara
- Come on To Me - Paul McCartney
- Di Na Muli - Janine Tenoso
- Nadarang - Shanti Dope
- Lake Effect Kid - Fallout Boy
- 2002 - Anne Marie
- Natural - Imagine Dragons
- You Are the Reason - Callum Scott
- Mas Mabuti Pa - Janine Berdin
- Love Lies - Khalid and Normani
- Lumang Tugtugin - Inigo Pascual
- Tahimik - Yeng Constantino
- Better Now - Post Malone
- End Game - Taylor Swift feat Ed Sheeran and Future
- Without Me - Halsey
- Midnight Sky - Unique
- Going Going Gone Maddie Poppe
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Cold Uncertain
There's a cold war from two people close to me and it all started from such a petty issue but harsh words were said (on text!) and now pride couldn't make them set their differences aside. It's affecting the people surrounding them. I want to make a move to patch things up but not working. It's hard to be in the middle of such conflict. It makes me so uncomfortable and what sucks is that literally the day after I had a good day that incident happened. I can't be fully happy. It seems like there are things always stopping me from feeling complete bliss. I can't win.
I've been praying so hard the two work their issue out. Please let them work this out. Let me have this at least
***
Another key part of my life will undergo another change. I'm very worried about it to be honest. Not only my status there but that place as whole. All the people I knew who took care of that place have left one by one and now who is there left to take care of things? I'm so worried that it's the start of the end. The place is actually so different. A shadow of its former glory but it is still thriving and I hope in years to come
So much changes happening
***
Moments ago I tried to do something to fix an issue but looks like it failed. I don't know if I can handle this anymore
I've been praying so hard the two work their issue out. Please let them work this out. Let me have this at least
***
Another key part of my life will undergo another change. I'm very worried about it to be honest. Not only my status there but that place as whole. All the people I knew who took care of that place have left one by one and now who is there left to take care of things? I'm so worried that it's the start of the end. The place is actually so different. A shadow of its former glory but it is still thriving and I hope in years to come
So much changes happening
***
Moments ago I tried to do something to fix an issue but looks like it failed. I don't know if I can handle this anymore
Sunday, December 02, 2018
Free
I have a dream where I can be free
Free from emotional drama
Free from being a shock absorber
Free of anxiety
Free of insecurity
Free of resentment
Free of guilt
Free of fear
But it's only a dream
Because life will never be totally free
Free from emotional drama
Free from being a shock absorber
Free of anxiety
Free of insecurity
Free of resentment
Free of guilt
Free of fear
But it's only a dream
Because life will never be totally free
Friday, November 23, 2018
Change
There's a big major change happening near me. Objectively it's a good thing but I can't stop myself from feeling certain discomfort and from there a lot of unwanted feelings like resentment pop out. But hey I chose this because it's a security blanket. But I know deep inside I want more than this. I'm afraid of failing though. I fear the unknown. I wish I can be brave enough but as I grow old my anxiety over negative results just grows and grows.
Monday, October 29, 2018
Levels
I don't like how I easily get stressed lately. Such small and minor things will lead me to think of the worst case scenario. I need to manage my emotions. Need to be braver. Need to be the rock they need me to be. I need to stop whining. I need to stop panicking. Breathe in. Breathe out. It's not a big deal. Don't make a mountain out of mole hills. Just no.
Thursday, October 11, 2018
Discomfort
This never ends. The same crap happens over and over again. I predicted this to happen. I wanted to speak out but I want to avoid drama because there's no point. All those bad energies creeping into me again. They are always in a bad mood. I hate it so much. Then this one makes a messy decision again and drags us all over again. Why do you keep on doing this? I'm so tired of being the person to mediate and the be the shock absorber. I have no choice. This is it and I have nowhere to go. Sometimes I wonder if anyone of you thinks how your actions and decisions affects other people big time. Probably not. The cycle continues. I daydream of being away from here but it's not gonna happen. I can't do it. I can't leave them behind. I can't try to do things on my own. I can't. I wish I didn't feel this way but it's a losing battle. This is what I have become. It's good thing I kept a good distance from anything else. There's no point to be something else, to do anything else, to be somewhere else because I know I will always go back here. To look over them. To try to pacify the situation. To make them feel better. To make them worry less. Be not a problem. Don't be a hassle. Other people are doing it already. No need to add to the chaos anymore. You can't afford to be selfish.
Oh Lord please grant me the strength and more patience because it's just so hard to be this way, to feel this way. I can't lose my guard down. Can't afford it/
Oh Lord please grant me the strength and more patience because it's just so hard to be this way, to feel this way. I can't lose my guard down. Can't afford it/
Sunday, September 30, 2018
Random Ramblings 9
Tomorrow is October and the start of the last quarter of the year.. Not gonna lie I'm so looking forward to the Christmas bonus. I really need extra money to buy new eyeglasses. My current eyeglasses has a broken frame and is just being held together by a paper clip. Yeah poor me! I wanted to buy for so long but keep putting it off because the type I want is expensive so I'm saving up money for it but something comes along that needs money so yeah I can't gather the funds to get what I want. Yeah one of those times I feel really bad I don't earn that much to afford stuff like it.
***
Watched Exes Baggage and I really like it. I admit the added factor that it stars two actors of my generation helps a lot. I love the music. I have been singing the movie's theme song Maybe The Night by Ben & Ben for days already. Beautiful music. As for the story I felt like it was able to capture a real relationship by regular folks in this modern era. And the ending I love it! Not exactly new but the way they build the scene was glorious.
***
I filed a leave tomorrow simply because I have too many unused vacation leaves and might as well used one to take a rest and yes save money from transportation. All the stuff I'm working on has been well taken care off so I'm free to do it. I really have no plans tomorrow but stay at home and do nothing of importance.
***
I turned 31 this month and honestly unlike when I turned 29 and 30, I didn't freak out this time around. Yeah older again but I don't feel as bad anymore that I haven't accomplished any of my dreams before. I don't know maybe I just accepted things as they are and just make the most of what I have right now. Or I gave up dreaming altogether.
***
I've been trying to ignore political news whether online or real life interactions. This is really the worst era I've experienced. I just can't believe how things are right now. It's so frustrating.
***
I'm so uncomfortable with changes lately but I've been doing a good job not panicking that much this time although there are stray moments where I go paranoid but I don't dwell on it as much as possible.
***
I ended a long time activity because I felt the interest already subsided and it's just not the same anymore. I felt that I made the right call because things went as expected. It sucks to accept that hey it's not the same anymore.
***
The new season of the Serial podcast is fantastic narrative journalism. The chances of me being a journalist is very low right now but hey but my love for well-researched and produced journalism will never die. I can't be one but I can support one. My blood boils how this era journalism is being degraded by fake news propaganda.
***
I hate to admit but I do like being in my comfort zone. It frustrate me at times that growth is stunted but I do like not being overwhelmed by another type of stress I can deal with this empty feeling than get stressed again. I could not lose the last stands of hair I have in my head to stress.
***
For practicality purposes, i can't quit social media for good but I've successfully avoided lingering on Facebook and Twitter unlike before where I spend so much time wasted browsing the feed and feel bad about my life or get annoyed reading obnoxious opinions. It's a step. Social media is just too toxic for me nowadays.
***
Watched Exes Baggage and I really like it. I admit the added factor that it stars two actors of my generation helps a lot. I love the music. I have been singing the movie's theme song Maybe The Night by Ben & Ben for days already. Beautiful music. As for the story I felt like it was able to capture a real relationship by regular folks in this modern era. And the ending I love it! Not exactly new but the way they build the scene was glorious.
***
I filed a leave tomorrow simply because I have too many unused vacation leaves and might as well used one to take a rest and yes save money from transportation. All the stuff I'm working on has been well taken care off so I'm free to do it. I really have no plans tomorrow but stay at home and do nothing of importance.
***
I turned 31 this month and honestly unlike when I turned 29 and 30, I didn't freak out this time around. Yeah older again but I don't feel as bad anymore that I haven't accomplished any of my dreams before. I don't know maybe I just accepted things as they are and just make the most of what I have right now. Or I gave up dreaming altogether.
***
I've been trying to ignore political news whether online or real life interactions. This is really the worst era I've experienced. I just can't believe how things are right now. It's so frustrating.
***
I'm so uncomfortable with changes lately but I've been doing a good job not panicking that much this time although there are stray moments where I go paranoid but I don't dwell on it as much as possible.
***
I ended a long time activity because I felt the interest already subsided and it's just not the same anymore. I felt that I made the right call because things went as expected. It sucks to accept that hey it's not the same anymore.
***
The new season of the Serial podcast is fantastic narrative journalism. The chances of me being a journalist is very low right now but hey but my love for well-researched and produced journalism will never die. I can't be one but I can support one. My blood boils how this era journalism is being degraded by fake news propaganda.
***
I hate to admit but I do like being in my comfort zone. It frustrate me at times that growth is stunted but I do like not being overwhelmed by another type of stress I can deal with this empty feeling than get stressed again. I could not lose the last stands of hair I have in my head to stress.
***
For practicality purposes, i can't quit social media for good but I've successfully avoided lingering on Facebook and Twitter unlike before where I spend so much time wasted browsing the feed and feel bad about my life or get annoyed reading obnoxious opinions. It's a step. Social media is just too toxic for me nowadays.
Monday, August 27, 2018
Random Ramblings 8
Today is a holiday and I went to work. BUT I ACTUALLY ENJOY IT. The commute is so breezy. No heavy traffic and everything is so fast. Ayala Makati is also so serene that I liked walking to the office. Inside the office there's few people as well and I quite like the calmness of it all. Now I kinda dread going to work tomorrow because the commute will be stressful again. Anyway,. In two weeks 10 years na akong parte ng working class! My first two jobs I lasted less than 9 months COMBINED then my third (and current) 9 years na ako! One thing I can say eh yung "iba na kapag real world" na sinasabi nila nung nag aaral pa ako eh TOTOO NGA! Iba nga talaga! There are things that you will learn about yourself and life in general as you go along. Minsan iniisip mo hindi ka pa mature to handle this and that but I feel na you won't really notice that you are maturing as it happens and in hindsight na lang marerealize na nag iiba na perspective of that you handle matters differently now. Of course there are regrets along the way, i think part naman talaga yun ng buhay but you really need to try your best not to to dwell on it too much. There's still a long road ahead and it's imperative to get rid of thoughts that will just keep you from moving forward.
***
Absorbing so much stress lately. So far I'm still holding on. I'm praying though one potential source of another stressful time will not come to fruition. I know it will be such a mess so i really hope it won't happen. This thing that may or may not happen already occurred years ago and it was just a mess I don't know why people can't learn from it. I see the rationale behind the trying again but why is the planning not any better? Why are people are in a rush to do things their way without going to the proper channels. I wish I can speak out but it's not gonna work out because I'm in no position to do so. I really hope that things will turn out in my favor
Saturday, August 25, 2018
The Rock
I recently watched this movie SIGNAL ROCK about a guy and his small remote island community. I was able to relate to the lead character in a way as he is the one who absorbs all the stressful stuff thrown at him. I'm not as strong and as skilled as him though. I'm so limited in a lot of ways but for some reason I have become some sort of shock absorber. I can not fall apart but I wish I could do something more. Financially of course.I'm stable but I wish had more disposable income. Life is harder today to be honest. Luckily I am still able to save some money but I wish I could save more. I've recently appealed for a salary increase which hopefully works out. I really need it. I thought of getting an SSS loan but you see I'm reserving that when there's really a big need. All I need now is better cash flow monthly and one time loan won't improve things.
As I type another stressful stuff is going on and the source if it all is just a small incident. It's actually not that a big of an issue but alas mood swings. You really have be so strong or maybe frigid to take it all in without breaking apart. I remember in December a small incident created such big chaos and it all started because I opened my mouth instead of just staying quiet or diverting the issue. I remember how emotionally damaging that day was. Of course in the end I've set my pride aside and did the move to make it all okay. And in the end all is okay as it often does when emotions are no longer high. That moment taught me that it's not really worth it to fight back sometimes. I'm too weak and yeah a pushover. Just be quiet or talk minimally. Ignore since it will pass anyway. No need to let myself go through such an emotional torture for small things that could be ignored or not treat as a big deal. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore for less stressful existence.
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