7,999

 That's the number of cases reported today and I'm more annoyed that really it had to end with 999? What is this sales marketing trick because 8000 cases look more horrifying?  Nevertheless, we are really spending the pandemic anniversary with no positive signs or any progress at all. I feel so scared and hopeless. 

Circle

After yesterday's angsty post, today was back to normal as if nothing happened last time. It's normal and I'm used to it but I don't know each time it happens it really pushes my buttons. Incidents likes will still happen in the future and dear Lord please guide me more patience and strength because I love them so much and I don't want to feel what I felt last night again

In other news, over seven thousand confirmed cases! It never ends. 

Tired

 One of those days where I once again question myself if I made the right decisions in life. Two small incidents where I got castigated. The first one is a simple mistake on a matter which to be honest is so inessential but I tolerated and perhaps spoiled him because  he had a terrible time last year and all I can do is to make him feel better. But because I forgot one of his request I got berated by hurtful words. I don't deserve it but I stayed quiet and apologetic so the issue won't be big but I'm getting the cold treatment right now. The second one is I got accused, although not directly, that I'm stealing money  because I was questioned of the price of a medicine I've been regularly buying and for some reason she didn't understood the quantity and prices.  I have receipts of course and explained things thoroughly and I just got a dismissive "ok" response but I still feel like I did something wrong.  I don't deserve it but I got to stay the mature one as I'm the younger person  and the one who should be patient that maybe because they are getting older, they are more sensitive and paranoid. But it's hard especially because I feel so insecure where my life is right now. I could have reached for the stars but I kept thinking about their welfare so I adjusted my life choices so I can look after their concerns. I want to say that I don't have regrets because ultimately I love and care about them so much but moments like this where I feel like I'm being treated unjustly makes me ponder what if I made the call to prioritize what I really wanted to do even if I had to leave them behind. Would I be happier?

Light

 Just talked to a friend working at a Los Angeles hospital and she's really optimistic because the cases in their hospital dropped dramatically in the last few weeks and this is the effect of more people getting vaccinated. If the trend continues, she's hopeful by May there would be a legit semblance of normalcy. That really made me feel better at least because my country is such a mess right now, cases rising again, very few vaccines available (the one available here has shady dealings that makes people really uncomfortable) and a very horrible government. I need to see some light in this dark alley. 

Deep Well

 Once again I'm fighting hard not to fall hard with my cynical thoughts. Anxiety is through the roof with the never ending pandemic, never ending mismanagement, never ending patronizing and enabling. I'm tired of overthinking. I'm tired of thinking the worst case scenario. I'm tired of feeling so frustrated all the time. So many problems. So many worries. So many insecurities. 

Brink

 No office work tomorrow due to disinfection as precautionary measure to the rising cases of COVID yet again. Some of notable public figures reported that got infected as well. Confirmed cases today is nearly six thousand. Alarming and worrying. A return to stricter quarantine measures is inevitable. I feel so hopeless. 

Home

 My brother is back home after staying a month in Bohol to be with his wife. When I told nanay earlier that tatay texted that my brother already arrived, she said out loud "SALAMAT SA DIYOS". She was really worried because of the complications that pandemic brought in. Much more know with the alarming rise in cases and stricter lockdowns are making a comeback. The anxiety from one year ago is really returning and having your family as close as possible really matters these days. 

5,000

 So today the reported new COVID19 cases reached 5,000. It's odd that it's a flat number so kinda makes me a little suspicious but to be honest the total reported cases of over 600K cases in the past year or so I feel does not reflect the whole picture, maybe we are over 1M cases already if there were more tests done. Anyway,  this so stressful but I'm hopeful there won't be a super strict lockdown again that hurts the economy and much worst be a platform for abuse of power

One Year Later

 Last year when the community quarantine was announced to take effect on March 15 I was really worried because this is something I have never experienced in my life. A lockdown, what a concept. And a lot of fears came to fruition. I was worried about my job, me, and my family's safety and the country, the world, in general. I knew that life will never be the same again. It sucks that my fears about the aftermath in society came true and until now there's so much suffering everywhere while there's a lot of side issues as well that's raising my frustration to another level. But of course, there are things to be thankful for, I and my family's health are good although there were non-pandemic health concerns last year that became complicated because of the restrictions but still, it could have been worst, and thank God it wasn't. My country is still a mess and right now the restrictions are making a comeback with the rising I cases. I still stand my ground that a medical problem should not be managed by using a militaristic style but what can I do but just bite my tongue and hope for the best. One year later I'm still scared. 

Roadblock

 I had some issues with the carpool ride today. The driver is new although we are still coordinating the original driver so there was some miscommunication early in the morning which was a little irritating. Then today on our way home, he informed us that for today we will be dropped off to a spot where we still had to ride a jeep to get to our barangay. Very annoying. He was apologetic because to be fair there was only three of us today destined to that location so I guess he wants to save gas or what. Our fare was not the same too so we weren't cheated on but still it was my first time to ride a jeep again and while being an open air vehicle is good for virus safety, I still felt uncomfortable. The original driver would have still driven us to our location even if we were only that few because he did it before. The timing was just not good considering the rise of COVID cases again. Oh well. I hope this was just an isolated case and won't be a regular thing. 

Square One

 So yeah almost a year after the first community quarantine was imposed, NCR cases are surging, local officials imposing localized lockdown again, the police wants to prohibit public display of affection, some areas will have checkpoints again and there's that feel again of Deja vu. We are going back how we started. For now Cavite won't be as strict again and I hope it stays that way because I don't know if I can handle that again, the anxiety of being in a strict lockdown is too much. So damn frustrating really. 

Alert

 So PHIVOLCS has raised Alarm Level 2 (increasing alert) on Taal Volcano so meaning there's imminent danger of another eruption. It happened in January last year before the pandemic started and while our place was not directly affected we witnessed ash fall! It was surreal to witness that in my life. Our subdivision chapel became a temporary evacuation center for some people in Batangas Oh Dear Lord please don't let it happen again. Please protect us from this.

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So tired

 I try to avoid or not too think much about current events lately because it's so frustrating but the heartless justifications of EJKs. I can't believe I live in such a time when people just shrug it off or worst defend it. Honestly, I'm more affected that there are a lot of people still standing by this person. Unbelievable. It's not just online but people in real life. How can they digest all this rampant toxicity? Because that person make them laugh with offensive, in your face, insensitive, crass jokes? I can't believe anyone still believes that everything is alright, that everything is being handled well. I'm so angry and frustrated. Hopeless because there's nothing much I can do but just witness how everything is unfolding before my eyes.

Remember

My nephew reminded me today that it's been a year since our dog of more than a decade passed way. He called the dog "Bow wow wow" when he was a little and we stuck with that name too. I was really sad when the dog passed away even if I never really touched him over the years because I'm asthmatic and I'm generally afraid of getting bitten. But he was a constant  presence in our family, so it felt like it was losing a loved one. Little did we know that the dog's death will be just the beginning of such terrible year. 

Still Hanging

 Metro Manila mayors decided to not open the cinemas again  due to rising cases the past week or so. Such awful timing and I really feel bad for the theaters. While there has been legal streaming now but let's face it a lot will not shell out money for that instead wait for pirated stuff on line commonly seen on Facebook which has always been awful in guarding pirated content. While cinemas are open in MGCQ areas but without the capital open, big movies won't dare open as the biggest market is NCR. Oh well, the fact the cases are rising again dampens my hope that we could see a road to recovery. 

P360

 I'm in a moment where I should have moved forward on a decision that I thought of earlier. I should have trusted my guts but oh well what kept me from doing it because it involved finances and I want to save money so I didn't push through with it. Now, I'm regretting that I didn't make that decision but already stuck so just gonna deal with this matter right now. I really hate that my limited financial capability is making some simple decisions more difficult than it should have. Even the little things like this situation I'm in at the moment frustrates me big time. 

More, More, More

 Astra Zeneca vaccines arrived in the country a few hours ago. That's one of the brand of vaccines I'm more confident about! Hopefully, Pfizer, Moderna and Johnson & Johnson brands will find their way here too very soon. Anyway, supply is limited so likely won't get vaccinated anytime soon but having a vaccine gives me hope things could be relatively normal by year's end

Verified

 So I have to verify my GCASH account so I can do money transfer. It was stressful at first because the app won't accept the screen shot of my ID then I figure out maybe because I have an old smart phone and it doesn't capture clear enough photos so I borrowed my brother's phone to do it and it took me multiple tries actually before it got accepted. Then came the selfie verification and it took a few more hours before I received a text notification that my selfie verification was rejected! I thought maybe because I have a beard and I looked different from my ID photo? So I shaved! Maybe it worked because my selfie verification was approved in just a few minutes! Anyway, I tried the bank transfer  and it was smooth flowing! I'm quite behind with all these things but better late than never!

Aid

I'm quite relieved right now because my work load is lighter because there are people who are helping me with some of the tasks. I still micromanage stuff but at least not everything all depends on me. The truth is I'm always hesitant to ask for help because I don't want to be a bother but this pandemic era made me realized that I need to be more assertive for my own welfare. I need to learn to let things go and trust people more. 

March To Where?

 First day of March and in 2 weeks, it would have been a full year since the community quarantine and the normal life we knew changed forever. So where are we heading? So messy. So alarming. So infuriating. Aside from the fear of getting the virus itself, the mental toll this ordeal has put upon is excruciating. No thanks to so many questionable decisions. My frustration just grows each day. It's hard not to lose hope. It's such a big test to hold on despite everything/.