FIN

 So the confirmation I've been waiting for happened today. I am very sad but I can't deny that I saw it coming. I was hoping against all odds but just so many factors that practically happened at the same time that led to this result. It's just hard to keep it going so  I have no choice but to accept and make the most of what it's left. At least there's some good news though because one thing I feared didn't come to fruition and hopefully it stays that way for stability. 

Holding

 I'm still in a daze. Still worried of what's to come but also preparing myself for the worst. But I'm trying to stay positive that good thing will come our way soon. I badly need it. Not just me but all of us.

Hanging

 Another day where I am left bothered by an impending doom. I'm still hoping it still could be saved because this has been a big part of my life and losing it for good will suck so much. And of course, it is a security blanket.

Spell

 I really need to pick myself and be optimistic that this won't be the end of it all. I hope they find a way to make it work and give another least in life. It's been hanging over my head for the 2 months and the lack of resolution is really making me so anxious. 

Clean up

 I really got lazy today and I might be messy tomorrow, oh no! But let's see maybe I can do a quick fix up! But I'm getting tired of fixing things to be honest. 

Sangkalan

Another day of me trying to get things done but laziness got in the way. I sometimes question why I get myself into situations like this where I'm not directly benefitting but I don't know I just want to be nice and make things run smooth I guess because I feel like it's my responsibility as well. It's my fault for not asserting myself I guess but at the end, it really is not a bad thing. I just need to figure how to balance everything. 

Dry

 I'm starting to get worried again. Nothing of importance this week has come. I need the tank to be full again or even over capacity. That's a good problem to have and not this worry about things not working well. Plus this other thing where they are making unnecessary complicated. But I remind myself that I don't really know what's going on. I hope something comes up next week. We need MORE.

Confundido

 I regret that I did sort of wish that this one block would go away so I'll have an easier but now without it, everything seems to be in limbo. It's so disheartening that there's just no clarity right now. Hanging in the balance, doing things as they go along. No clear path. I hope my questions will be answered soon enough.

Entrada

Floating. Not really sure where the road is heading. I understand why it is being evaluated but there are just other complications for them not to at least give one more go for that remaining period. It is really making me feel listless for over a month now. What a bummer

Instant

So I immediately paid for slacking off yesterday. I hate that sometimes I need to feel pressured to overcome laziness! I don't like buzzer-beater moments and yet I am dragging myself to those moments more often these days. I need better discipline because I can't afford to mess this up. But I do need to learn how to give myself breaks so I won't feel lazy again

Pause

 I think I got tired over the weekend so I needed some pause today. Also there are personal things I need to do as well as a way to watch over things and lessen things I get stressed about. Hopefully, I'll be back tomorrow in full form

Pinky Promise

 After posting that I was "in the zone" last night, it came all crashing down and I was lured into procrastination! I had to pay for it today but at least I was able to pull it off. However, it's not a good feeling though to cram because of my laziness. I still have some things left to do and hopefully I'll do better time management this time and focus better. I really need it so much

In The Zone

 A little late but better than never. Laser-focused now to finish this up that has been long delayed. I need to get my mojo back and I'm getting it again. So here it goes!

Just Never Is

That's why I can't hold on to any positive feelings because it wouldn't last and something else would happen that would ruin everything. I always try to control not to feel upset anymore and just look on the bright side of things but how could I when there's always something that will trigger something chaotic that should not happen in the first place. So tired.  I don't want to be ungrateful but I just want to vent my never-ending frustrations in life 

On the way

 Inside a jeep right now and driving myself mad thinking of terrible scenarios. It is always like this whenever a day like this comes around. Help me be calm dear Heavens 

Level

 This is it again. I'm scared but also I feel defeated. I'm worried but I'm also tired of this feeling. But I don't want to feel this way because the other option is just scarier. Whatever happens again, I just have to be strong as much as I can.

Hybrid Cufflinks

 I was able to finish something on my goal list today and now focusing on doing something that will give me some breathing room because I still have like two major things left to do, But I like this, I hope more of this all througout the year!

Here we go!

 I'm swamped again with many things to do! I like it but I also blaming myself because the load could have been lighter if I wasn't so lazy last weekend! But well, time to focus again and do stuff as fast as possible without sacrificing quality!

Closed

I felt saw when I saw my favorite meat shop closed already. I had a feeling it was going under because nearly every time when I bought there for the past year or so, I was the only one. They are not that pricey compared to the ones sold in the wet market and they have quality stuff but oh well that is just how life is.

Thinking About It

 Despite some happy stuff the past few days,  I'm here again pondering on things that are making me so sad. I wish I could stop this feeling but I really can't. There are just so many things making me feel so sad. Worries and anxieties, if they would only go away

375

 Got new eyeglasses today after more than 5 years. The previous was still generally usable but had scratches already that had been bothersome lately and well I haven't bought myself anything last Christmas so why got gift myself something quite useful too!

Nice!

 I was not expecting it anymore but I just learned to have lower expectations so I won't get hurt that much but this time, I'm so happy to be wrong! It's the pick-me-up I much needed after everything really, It's really giving me a boost right now and more driven to do better!

Qiqi

    I'm so busy because I need to finish a lot of things, I accepted a lot of stuff thinking I could do some things in advance during the holiday break but nah I was lazy then. I was wrong that I could be in the mood to do work during those days but hey I'm playing catch up and it's all good. I feel driven because I always to start the year right work-wise!

Ch. 126

 So it finally happened today but still, I'm clinging on to hope that maybe they change their mind. There's some reaction when it's missing so it wasn't totally ignored. I know in the grand scheme it's still a small thing but I hope they listen. 

1095

 Three straight years of posting something daily on my 18-year-old blog! Well, it's mostly just random and vague angst-filled musings but it definitely helped me process emotions when I'm anxious. It's like screaming into the void these days since no one really blogs anymore but I like it that way. As long as Google keeps Blogspot around, I'll be posting.

My Hot 100 for 2023

My Hot 100 for 2023

1. Raining in Manila - Lola Amour

2. Ere  - Juan Karlos

3. Bad Idea, Right? - Olivia Rodrigo

4. Kill Bill - SZA

5. Steal The Show - Lauv

6. Uhaw - Dilaw

7.  Vampire - Olivia Rodrigo 

8. Forget Me - Lewis Capaldi

9.  New Cool - Grease: Rise of the Pink Ladies Cast 

10.  Beso Prohibido - Rio Roma

11.  Langyang Pag-ibig  - Ben & Ben

12. Cruel Summer - Taylor Swift

13. This is Why - Paramore 

14. Don't Let The Lights Go Out - Panic at the Disco

15. Nobody Gets Me - SZA 

16. Heaven - Niall Horan

17. Love From The Other Side - Fallout Boy

18. Gusto - Zack Tabudlo and Al James 

19. I Think I Like You - The Band Camino

20. Dance The Night - Dua Lipa

21. Wild Dogs - Matchbox Twenty

22.  Fighting Myself - Linkin Park 

23. Bahala Na - Kenaiah 

24. Fallen - Lola Amour 

25. Love is Embarrassing - Olivia Rodrigo

26. Midnight Rain - Taylor Swift

27. Pasilyo - Sunkissed Lola 

28. GENTO - SB19 

29. Huwag Muna Tayong Umuwi - BINI  

30. Tumitigil Ang Mundo - BGYO

31. Can't Catch Me Now - Olivia Rodrigo

32. What Was I Made For - Billie Eilish

33. Naatu Naatu - RRR Cast

34. Akin Ka - Zack Tabudlo

35. Wonderful Life - Two-Door Cinema Club

36. Cupid - Fifty Fifty

37. Pinadama - Zack Tabudio

38. Lowkey - Niki

39. Tally - BLACKPINK

40. Get Him Back - Olivia Rodrigo

41.  Snooze - SZA 

42. Super Shy - New Jeans 

43. Yakap  - Zack Tabudlo

44. Paint The Town Red - Doja Cat

45.  Edging - Blink 182 

46.  un x100to - Grupo Fontera and Bad Bunny 

47. Seven - Jungkook feat Latto

48. Greedy - Tate McRae 

49.  Hold Me Like a Grudge - Fallout Boy

50. Dear - Ben & Ben

51. Victoria's Secret - Jax

52. Wish You The Best - Lewis Capaldi 

53. Mine - Kelly Clarkson

54. Eyes Closed - Ed Sheeran

55. Flowers - Miley Cyrus

56. Die For You - The Weekend and Ariana Grande 

57. Chemical - Post Malone

58. Lost - Linkin Park

59. Lovin on Me - Jack Harlow

60. Is It Over Now - Taylor Swift

61. I Don't Think That I Like Her - Charlie Puth

62. Clap Snap - Icona Pop

63. The Ones We Once Loved - Ben & Ben  

64. Fall In Love Alone - Stacey Ryan

65. 10:36 - Beabadobee 

66. Eme - Moira

67. Water - Tyla

68. Calm Down - Rema and Selena Gomez

69. Diba - Zack Tabudlo

70. Pienso En Ti - Dulce Maria and David Zeoeda

71. Heartbreak Feels So Good - Fallout Boy

72. Me - Kelly Clarkson

73. I'm in Love With You - 1975

74. Pasko Ang Pinakamagandang Kwento - Various Artis

75. Esa Hembra Es Mala - Gloria Tevi

76. Kisame - rhodessa

77. Lihim - Arthur Miguel

78, Musika - Dionela

79. Here With Me - d4vd

80.  Leonora - Sugarcane 

81. B.A.D- Denise Julia feat PLO

82.  Saan? - Maki

83. Tingin - Cup of Joe feat Janine

84.  My Love Mine All Mine - Mitski 

85. YK - Sean Jr

86. Angels Like You - Miley Cyrus

87. ETA - New Jeans

88. Could Be Something - Ben&Ben

89. Festival - Sandara Park

90. Karma - Taylor Swift feat Ice Spice

91. Am I Dreaming -  Metro Boomin, ASAP Rocky and Roisee

92. Never Gonna Dance Again - Pink

93.  New Love - Boys Like Girls 

94. Houdini - Dua Lipa

95.  711 - Toneejay

96.  homebdy - DĖMI, Madman Stan

97. I Hate Love - Kelly Clarkson feat Steve Martim

98. Autumn - Ben & Ben

99. Lil Boo Thang - Paul Russel

100. Shakira: Bzrp Music Sessions, Vol. 53 - Shakria and Bzrp

My Hot 100 for 2022

My Hot 100 for 2021

My Hot 100 for 2020

My Hot 100 for 2019

My Hot 100 for 2018

My Hot 100 for 2017

My Hot 100 for 2016

My Hot 100 for 2015

My Hot 100 for 2014

 My Hot 100 for 2013

My Hot 100 for 2012 
My Hot 100 for 2011
My Hot 100 for 2010
My Hot 100 for 2009  
My Hot 100 for 2008
My Hot 100 for 2007

Lists!

 Favorite Movies of 2023

1.  Elemental

2.  Rewind 

3.  Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse

4.  Oppenheimer

5.  Killers of the Flower Moon

Previous:

2022

2021

2020

2019

2018

2017

2016

2015
2014
2013
2012
2011

Favorite TV Comedy Episodes of 2023

1. The Marvelous Mrs Maisel Season Episode 9 "Four Minutes"

2. Abbott Elementary Season 2 Episode 13 "Fundraiser"

3. Young Sheldon Season 6 Episode 14 "A Launch Party and a Whole Human Being"

4, Never Have I Ever Season 4 Episode 8 "....set my Mom up"

5. Jury Duty Season 1 Episode 2 "Opening Arguments"

6. Only Murders in the Building Season 3 Episode 9 "Thirty"

7.  What We Do In The Shadows Season 5 Episode 3 "Pride Parade"

8. Disenchantment Season 5 Episode 10 "Goodbye Bean"

9. Frasier Season 12 Episode 1 "The Good Father"

10. Futurama Season 8 Episode 1 "The Impossible Stream"

Previous: 2022, 2021 2020,2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013,2012

Momentous

    Stress here, there and everywhere. I understand the suffocation but it is just an awful feeling to have especially under the circumstances. It's so hard, even if you try your best to keep yourself together, there's always something that will you push to the limit. I dread the past, the present and the future. Where can I go then? Misery all over. 

ATC

 I want to do something for myself but I can't do it due to various reasons. It has been so exhausting really. So much unnecessary stress but I need once again to be the person who can't break down. Who needs to understand other people. The person who needs to think of the worst-case scenario first so I can't complain of the present stress. It's driving me mad but I need to hold it together

Until Further Notice

 I'm hoping for a last-minute reprieve for this something close to my heart but looks like, the decision is already final. It sucks and puts me in another sullen mood but I need to rise from this setback and hope for something better on the horizon. That's all I can do right now. 

Fly

 I was planning to do some advanced work as I head back to the office tomororow but I got the holiday lazyness bug! Ob well, hopefully I will get things done!

Grateful

 Not an easy year but I'm so grateful I got to celebrate Christmas with Nanay. Praying hard for more years of celebrating it with her

Believe

 This Christmas Eve, there are happy moments, and there are worrying moments. Story of my life but I'm  still trying to believe

Boost

 Late and I can't sleep because I have so many things in mind. I'm trying my best not to fall into the same miserable state I've been in for the past few months. I've tried to distract myself and do something to boost my mood and be motivated to fight on. But it always comes back to this. I hate it so much. I'm trapped with so much miserable feelings either way. 

Get Some Air

 Quite a long day for me so many things I did and I'm still not done, hopefully, I can finish them this Christmas 4-day holiday weekend! It won't be easy for sure but glad to be busy and have some things to hope for in 2024 as well! Thank you Lord!

Nowhere to go

 The signs are here again, I am scared, I am tired. I am down, and I don't know what to do anymore, This rollercoaster ride of emotion is draining all the energy I have left   I am so exhausted but I don't want to give up but it's so damn hard to keep fighting when any glimmer of hope fades away and we always to back to the same state and maybe even worst.

Difficulty

 It never ends or evolves. It just repeats and gets worse. I'm trying to keep it in but boy it's so hard. Trying to keep the faith but I'm struggling real bad. I always need to reminede to be grateful that the darker route was avoided. But I'm wondering if this will be it, neverending stress for all of us. Lord, please help me to be strong

Can't Focus

 Struggling to finish something maybe because it ain't needed yet, maybe because the holiday lazybug is biting me, or maybe I just lack the passion. I don't know, I want to finish this fast but there's always something that ruins my focus. Some due to my own volition but some like right now because of a recurring problem that will probably never go away

I Do Mind

That mistake is haunting me once more because of another blow lately. What a mistake I made,all because I wanted to feel something I'd never felt before but in the end, it was not worth it. Good, I pumped the break before it got even more problematic. But still that mistake continues to haunt me as I struggle in life 

Hanging

 I didn't do something I was planning to do because it's not immediate. This will likely give me stress later but I just need something to take my mind off things again so next week I'll be ready again to face the world's endless challenges!

Mixed

 I was expecting this but seeing it confirmed a while ago was still a blow. But I always try to look on the positive because there are things that to be happy about and I'm grateful to that. Bawi next year!

Rock Paper Scissors

 

Worked on the Filipino localization for Squid Game: The Challenge and I genuinely enjoyed the show as well! I love the new games Battleship and Circle of Trust. And the winner was the person I was rooting or as well

Liter

I had an unnecessary cause of stress because of my own insistence on being in the know. I hope I didn't really didn't start any trouble and I'm just overthinking things again. Argh. Lesson learned.

Calm

 It has not happened a lot recently so when there is less stress, I cherish it because you don't know for how long. I hate to think this way but I need to let it out to process everything I feel. I wish things could be okay again. Rather, I pray for it every single day. But I take it one day at a time and glad for a night like this.

Care

 How can I give it all? I'm very exhausted. I'm tired ot it all. But I can't give up. I don't want to give up. But it can't seem to stop. It never stops. 

Just a few more

My long queue is about to be done finally but my eyes are giving up so yeah I will just finish tomorrow instead! Because I can not deliver something substandard. I do feel like I'm not handling this stuff well because I'm doing a lot of things that I don't have to but I was just being too nice I guess! Anyway, tomororw it is!

Speed

 Just a few minutes and I will finish! And there was an obstacle that I needed to control. It's so hard really how to control everything in your power. 

Muster

 I have things to be happy about but the feeling of sadness over some aspect of my life is overwhelming, I  wish I didn't feel this way but I already do. I hope to get some boost soon because I don't like feeling this way

March

 Struggling to finish something I could normally do without a hitch. It's because of some recent news that's making me lose enthusiasm about it. But I need to power through it and make things happen

Good News

 I've been so down lately that to go home to some good news is such a treat. It's still far from over but it's not what I'm fearing about. I hope things from hereon will be on the right track. 

Straightforward

 Problems at home. Now problems at work. I can't catch a break. The last time I had a difficult Christmas season was over 10 years and I survived. Hopefully, I survive this again. I've already decided not to go to the Christmas party this year for the first time ever. Simply because I don't want to go home late anymore for various reasons.I  just don't want the stress of holiday traffic to add to my mounting pile of stressors. 

Jaded

 I was on a bus when the earthquake hit this afternoon so I didn't really feel it but then again I had a lot of things in my mind that I probably just didn't notice it. So many problems. I'm having a hard time.

Great Story

 I'm not really in the holiday spirit but I always look forward to the ABS CBN Christmas Station ID song to boost my mood somehow and yet again, they didn't miss again this year

Pile Up

 I have so many things on my mind now. I can't focus at a time that I really need to. So many things troubling my head. What a pain. What a miserable life I have now.  And this being the holiday just adds more sadness because there's just nothing I can feel excited about. There's so much dread. 

Sit Still

 Made a mistake and let my emotions get the best of me. It's hard to stay patient under this circumstance. Some of the pressure I feel is self-inflicted so I have no one to blame but myself and now I affected another person along the way. Oh Lord, this is really hard but still thankful for this chance and I really hope I, we, can find a way to balance things out and not suffer from the pressure of it all

Canvas

 Busy weekend ahead, I need to pull off a semi miracle but hey let's do this! I need all the concentration I can get. I set myself up for this really and was at fault too because I let myself get distracted but can't afford to do so now. I really hope I can make it work

KN

 So I was busy today and I wanted to be productive again at night but this entertainment news caught my attention! Because the impact is massive! It's a pop culture moment! Honestly, I do need something inconsequential as distraction to real life struggles!

Wrapped 2023!

 My Spotify Wrapped 2023! I'm an Olivia Rodrigo stan, Gen Z whew hahaha

Top Artists

1. Olivia Rodrigo

2. Taylor Swift

3. SZA

4. Lauv

5. Westlife

Top 10 songs

1. bad idea right - Olivia Rodrigo

2. vampire - Olivia Rodrigo

3. Steal the Show - Lauv

4. Kill Bill - SZA

5. love is embarrassing - Olivia Rodrigo

6. Raining in Manila - Lola Amour

7. New Cool - The Cast of Grease: Rise of the Pink Ladies

8. Don't Let the Light Go Out - Panic at the Disco

9. Fighting Myself - Linkin Park

10. Forget Me - Lewis Capaldi

Top Podcasts

1. Who Weekly - discovered this year! Podcast about Hollywood Z listers

2. Dear MOR - local audio drama

3. Ang Walang Kwentang Podcast - local pop culture podcast

4. Rotten Mangoes - true crime stories weekly that I discovered this year, really good storytelling from the host

5. The Hollywood Reporter's TV's Top 5 - whew!

Vision

It's hard to see the struggle and I sometimes I do get lost with it all. I always remind myself how the close calls were to take me back to the reality that despite the situation, this is still better than the worst outcome. I really hope and pray for strength for everyone involved as this is really a tough one

Just

 Today was a holiday in advance! This is not the official day but the no-working thing was held today for long weekend economics whatsoever. I would normally go the office today because I do like the commute during a holiday like this. I chose not to. I decided to give myself a break and do nothing of significance. I need it to clear my head. It won't solve my problems but it gave me room to breathe. 

Mixed

 Some days are okay, some are not. I always have to remind myself to keep the faith because I'm the one who easily breaks internally. That's why I chose to step back a little and keep others ahead because sometimes the pressure is just too much for me to handle, I'm drowning in misery and fear. Oh dear Lord, please hear our prayer

The Sad Truth

 It was just a temporary reprieve and we are in a rough position now. Scary times and we don't know how can address it properly. There are just so many factors involved preventing us from doing some things. And honestly, there's just distrust that it could further escalate rather than help. It's so hard

Hanging on

 It is getting hard lately but I need to be strong, I need to be brave. But I really hope to see some light soon, a hope to cling on to.

Fan

 The office aircon broke today so yeah it was quite uncomfortable! There are other rooms that have aircon so they just opened the door but still it wasn't enough. I hope it gets fixed soon, I seriously can't work properly if it's humid

Tired

 I'm quite tired and scared and worried. But I need to march on and do everything I can to keep everything together because I can't manage not to do so. Oh Dear Lord, please guide and help me

Cling

 The fear is setting in again. I am afraid to leave because of the very bad images I have in my head

Not Over

It's still far from over and there are still so many things to worry about but I always remind myself that we were once again so close so I have to be stronger and be grateful my prayers were heard. I still live in fear each day but I need to muster the strength to fight back

Miracle

 Thank you Lord for once again giving us a chance. And we will do our best not to waste this opportunity. I was so scared but thankfully so many people prayed because I was losing faith and hope. Thank you so much!

Cowardice

The thoughts on my head are insane. A disgrace. But this is really how I'm dealing with this problem I am facing right now. Call it defense mechanism, call it giving up, call it pathetic. I want to cling on to hope but it's tough for a serial pessimist like me that's why I want to step back so I won't affect anyone with my negative thoughts. 

Signs

Denial. Resignation. Pain. Devastation. Regrets. Desperation. FEAR. I want to feel numb, I'm acting like I am, But I'm not devoid of emotion. I'm overwhelmed with conflicting emotions at the moment. I dread what is ahead. Very scared. 

No, no

 I fell into the nostalgia rabbit hole moments ago and it was bad. I had a feeling of emptiness after it. Because that particular nostalgia was leading to an end and it was not good. I hate this feeling. Please don't let this feeling of dread go to some place bad

Pienso

 Glad to have some good news on the horizon but other things in my life are on shaky ground. I continue to be scared but I must keep on fighting even if thinking about all the things in my life right now is driving me insane. 

Fuse

There are a lot of things in my life that's stressing me out from little stuff like office internet speed so low to my phone's battery acting up to more major life concerns  that's bugging me so much right now.  Everything is not working the way I want it to be. The way I hope it would be. I'm so frustrated and maybe even depressed now at this point? So much anxiety is making my life so difficult to deal with

Weak

 Seeing the weakness and vulnerability breaks my heart. I almost want to give up but no I can't, I shouldn't, I don't want to. But it's really hard to see this in real-time. Oh Lord, please give us a miracle

Jitters

 It is starting again.  Something is different. I have an idea what it is but I'm scared to confirm it. I'm in a daze. So scared. Please Deard Lord, don't let it happen again. 

Sullen

 I wish there was something I could be excited about again. Enveloped with fears and worries, I'm struggling. I've been binge-watching a sitcom I have fallen behind when I got really preoccupied. Now I had the time to sneak some time to go for escapism which was effective for quite some time but didn't really last long enough to get me out of this modd I'm in. I hope there's something that can cheer me up soon. 

The Theme

 For the first time in a long time, I have nothing. I had something but I gave it up for "the better good" and yet I felt like I was questioned again. There was an acknowledgment of the things I did and an apology for making me feel bad but the damage has been done. My psyche is such a mess now. It was just not a good week for me in so many ways so it didn't help that I was questioned even I did something with good intentions earlier on. My mind is going to such dark places, it's driving me insane. Oh Dear Lord, let there be light please. 

Not again

 Even though you try your best to help out, efficiency will still be questioned because others can't catch up.  No time was wasted, everything pushed through without a hitch so what's the problem here? Why are there questions again? Making you feel like you did something wrong. It's as if you were flaunting luxury or delivering poor quality just to make things pop. But just in case, you are ready to prove your case because the need is there, you need to suck it up

Devastated

 I regret being scared of facing it when I knew it would catch up with me eventually. I just delayed but it never solved anything. I just delayed the pain and remorse. 

I regret wasting resources for those two stupid months because of me thinking it would make me happy but it didn't, it made things worse. I wish I backed down and saved it for better use which I feel is coming soon.

I'm so sorry. I had it coming.

Ponder

 I miss my young adult days when I had fewer real-life problems. Back then I had so much idealism. Now, it's all about survival. It's so tough. But I still cling on to any glimmer of hope. I must.

Deflect

 Scary signs. It's all over again. I'm so frustrated and lashing out to myself for the most part but I sometimes can't hide it fully anymore. I wish I was firm in handling this challenge but I am not. I'm falling apart. 

Sins

Closed out a project today and it was a journey to finish it today so many stressful things going on at the same time. I need to contain myself, I'm going a bit insane but still trying to keep things to myself to avoid further escalating things. Anyway, I liked this project and hopefully there's more to come!

Balance

 I can't deny it, it's happening. The deterioration has started. It will be painful to witness.  I can't accept it but the signs are there. I'm getting defense at the wrong ways. I need to divert my attention or else I'll lose my mind. 

Alone

 It's back to the office today and I'm all alone. Well, it's not surprising because after a 2-day holiday, people just filed leave for Friday. But I'm the type who likes going to work on "odd" days like this, Commute is a breeze and I like the general calmness of everything. There will be other people coming later but good thing I secured the office keys for today so I can enter already because I go in early. I'm quite productive already before it was 8AM. And now I'm in another pensieve mood. Thinking about a lot of my worries while I'm on my lonesome though. Deep in rhought and trying to contain my anxiety. 

7k

I need to power through for that thing I want. I got lazy yet again but there's just no adrenaline rush to push things but I need to make things happen today because I have no choice! Why do always I get myself on this kind of thing? It's such a cycle

Little

I planned to do something but I only started it then drifted off to be far from what I was hoping to accomplish. It's not urgent but I want to be ahead but I really got lazy and just want to do not so serious things. Anyway, tomorrow I hope to finish this one

Deep Regret

In times like this when I feel some struggle, that mistake haunts me again. I was so stupid, letting myself fall into a trap I should have seen coming. Oh well. I hope I'll be able to bounce back from that mistake. I'm surviving of course but I really wasted the buffer I had because of selfishness. 

2 days

 Only two work days this week tomorrow and Friday. Some filed leaves for that I didn't. I have things to do and honestly look forward to them, I was planning to get some work done today during election day off but did absolutely nothing. I guess let's say this is me recharging! Or just being lazy! But I'll be back in work mode tomorrow the  2 day break which will still have me working too!

Proud

 So proud who has a hit podcast on Spotify Philippines - KILABOT: Pinoy Horror Stories! This cousin has always been a radio fan and wanted to be DJ while that didn't pan out, he found the platform where he could pursue his dream and I'm so proud he was able to do so. How I wish Tito Romy is still with us to see how successful his son is but I know he is proud up there.

Above

 You always have an idea of what the situation is and you get testy because you are afraid but at the end you need to face it anyway and deal with everything. You just hope things will get better or at the very least stable in a way that you could live a less frightening life each day.

Stepping back

 I'm a mess and to protect myself and others from the harm it can cause, I'm just going to take myself out of this situation for a very short time so I can cry it all out then I'll keep the facade of being strong. I will be vulnerable for awhile so I can be a braver person later because it is apparent that I can stop this anymore. I knew it was coming, I was trying not to think about it much but here we are. Oh dear Lord please guide me to be3 strong in all aspects

Incospicous

 Here I go again with this uneasy feeling. I want to shake it off but my mind is going crazy. So many fears that result in to blame game which shouldn't be the case. I do keep it inside because I don't want to add further stress,  But bottling it up inside is making me go insane. It's hard to concentrate when I'm very bothered and very worried about things I can't control. I don't want this feeling anymore but I can't escape from it,.

Complex

 I'm so conflicted about what to feel. I don't want to feel dismissive but I can't help but feel this way again. It's hard to be calm when you need to be the strong one. I try to think about other things to distract myself but the worries keep coming back and it will probably never end. I want to be the source of comfort but how can I if anxiety is killing me inside? Lord, help me.

Due

 My mind is racing with negative thoughts. Here and there. As usual, I jump right into the negative timeline. I need to step back before I affect other people and make them feel bad. I need to contain this feeling of skepticism and helplessness. I can't be that person who crumbles.  

Blurry

 The bad feeling I have I think I don't know is really manifesting. Oh Dear Lord, please no.  I'm so scared right now. I feel like there are signs coming and I really want to dismiss it but I'm so scared, I can't function anymore. How tough can I still stay. 

Hole

 I was planing to do something in advance but eh got lazy and just went to do nothing of significance aside from family responsibilities. It's quite a stressful time here at home so I need to detach myself so I can be numb. It wont last I know but I need a breather from all of this so I won't feel resentment for a long time. I need to focus on what's valuable so I won't have regrets when some bad thing lingering in my mind really happens

Tolerate

 I kept quiet about some lingering things because  I didn't want to stress about it. Life is too complicated already for me to stress about things that happen regularly anyway. You just accept things don't really change. 

Stifle

Sometimes I just don't want to go here because problems of all sorts welcome me. There's nothing I can do but absorb all the negative energy. It's suffocating but I can't complain. I can't make a comment. Just be silent, let them unload while you just take it in. Maybe cry silently 

Lingering

 Tomorrow unless something bright happens, I have to resort to a backup plan. Oh well, all things considered still OK. But during these times, I can't help but remember that fatal mistake a few months ago. If I didn't succumb to my impulse. I would be much okay today but hey at least still thankful I woke up even if it took a hard nudge for me to realize that I can't keep going. Sometimes you really to struggle to learn the hard lessons

Lens

 While eating at my favorite fast food near the office, I noticed that there is a new crew and he really looked young. Looks like it was his first time so he was a bit slower but good thing no other customers were complaining or making a scene to make things stressful. I did think about his age, and I think he really is just the same age of the usual people working at fast food but now that I'm a full-grown adult and a generation away from the young generation, my perspective changed and I see these young adults as really young or kids now. One of those moments where you feel your age already. I try to be tough and not be a softie anymore but I can't help but feel sentimental for the young generation especially those in the working class. Life is tough. I knew it now.