I try not to think about it but I know deep inside, I'm screwed. I just need to keep things stable as much as I can even if I will be at the losing end. I always have to adjust. I guess it's my fate all along. A payback of some sorts for all the inconvenience I caused decades ago. I have no problem with it in the grand scheme of things but sometimes when you get beaten down for no good reason other than being the easy target, I feel so much resentment. I don't want to feel it but small snide comments I try to brush off still cuts deep. I don't deserve to be treated that way no matter what. But I really have no choice. Maybe someday I can find some sort of happiness. I wish so. I deserve it too.
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