Saturday, December 09, 2017

Random Ramblings


I got my Christmas bonus and 13th month pay last week and very thankful. I already gave a portion to my family and also savings. There's still some left but I'm afraid of spending it because I feel like I could end up regretting it. I don't have that much disposable income. I wish I have but the truth is I don't so I need to be wise with spending. I'm always paranoid with finances. So afraid of going broke. . I just need to maximize what I have and I'm good at that. I still have some extra like when I feel like riding the P2P bus to work which is more expensive (but so comfortable) . But for anything else I'm always cautious. One thing that made me sad about cutting down on expenses is that I rarely go to the movies anymore. I love watching in the cinema but the prices are just not practical to me anymore. 

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I've been researching of finding ways to earn extra money or even a good investment. But it's hard to find something that I can do or not too risky. Sometimes I think of risking again and start a small business but the pain of our failed family business still haunts me to this day. I hope in 2018 an opportunity arises or that I will be brave enough to take a risk.

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I've been vulnerable to insecurity lately and one major trigger is Facebook. So I'm detaching myself to that as much as possible. I hate feeling envious especially to the people around my age. It's a bad feeling and it does not help me grow and instead just makes me weaker. I don't want to be that kind of loser in life. 

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I've once dreamed of becoming a college professor but that's probably not going to happen anymore. Could not afford master's degree and I'm not even sure I still have that A student inside of me. Plus I don't feel like I have what it takes to hone young minds. I have no cred so to speak. So with no master's degree and no cred, I have no business of becoming a professor.

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It's the year end countdown season and it makes me sad that I'm not as excited as I used to be. Maybe it's the age. I will still be listing year end radio countdowns on Dec. 31 which I have been doing since I was 10 years old but this is probably the last time I will be doing it. I like even numbers so I want to end this tradition at exactly 20 years. Something about turning 30 this year that made me reconsider some things in my life which includes that year end tradition. Can I really let go of something that has been part of my life for so long? Maybe. I'm no longer that interested in following daily and weekly music charts aside from Billboard which I'm losing a little interest as well as streaming era makes the chart stagnant. Billboard Hot 100 Philippines launched this year and it was underwhelming for me. But maybe because in general the whole pop music scene is not connecting to me that much anymore. I do think I'll forever be a chart geek but maybe not as passionate as I used to be, I need to move on at some point.

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One disappointment I had this year is that when our company finally decided to have HMO, majority of the employees rejected it so it's now in limbo and probably not happening anymore. Hopefully not and the company is just looking for better HMO provider that would please the majority but I'm afraid it's not gonna happen anymore. I'm still shocked with how much my other co-workers didn't warm up to it. Hopefully they just want a better plan and not really dislike the idea of having one. But it was truly something I really felt so sad about. I thought it was something  a lot of us wanted t but I was shocked that it was not the case.

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On the positive side, I 'm thankful my family, especially my parents, had generally good health this year. No major health scares and visits to the hospital like in previous years. Whenever I feel so down or frustrated with my life, I remind myself that  one of my big fears in life (major family heath scare) is not happening so I should be grateful.

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Ten years ago I was an intern for Journal Group of Publications. I mostly did proof reading job but for their Christmas supplement I was able to write two articles and both were published on People's Journal! I was so thrilled to see my byline on a national newspaper. Ten years later, print media is almost dead and it really makes me sad. I also miss the young me who dreamed of becoming a journalist. I did become a writer professionally but it's not journalism. My current job duties no longer involves writing so my writing skills (along with my grammar) is rusty now. 

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I sometimes wish I'm typical. Regular. Ordinary. Predictable. Normal. But I'm not. I wish it was in a "cool, edgy" way but no. I'm not typical in the most pathetic way I could imagine. It sucks that I feel this way about myself. I swear this line of thinking is something I've been trying to avoid or get rid of permanently but I don't know I feel like there are constant reminders that prevent me from doing so.

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