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Had a frightening experience today that knocked my senses off. It's quite traumatizing but I'm working myself through it. Thank you dear Lord that the worst-case scenario didn't happen but still something to learn fromespecially to the person directly involved. Change needs to happen. 

Stones

 Things went okay and what I was hoping for. But it was not full clear. It just a right now it's okay so let's keep it like that. I don't for how long but I'm okay that things will not be complicated. I long for stability although at the back of my mind there's the fear of the inevitable but I will just take things day by day. 

Goes On and On.

 I felt sad again for no reason. Well, there is but honestly I'm worrying in advance like I always do. I don't know I'm just at this point of my life where I can't rest easy because I always bad things could happen. Or stressful things will be on my way soon. Always anticipating stress. Sometimes I wish I was a free spirit. But I could never be that, I just feel the need to look after everything I care for. It's burdensome but not caring is something that's not in my nature.  It's a heavy feeling that I just try to shove because there are more important things to do. 

6,400

 Finished something today which I could have finished earlier but I got lazy because it's not due yet, I still was able to finish it ahead of time but I could have done better. Anyway, I still have things on my plate. And I like it, hopefully I won't slack up because of the holidays and all! I want to be productive so good luck to me!

Pile Up

 End of the year barrage of problems. Some shouldn't be a problem but I don't know some people seek to create problems when you can just conserve your mental health and let it go or do something that won't trigger more stressful of situation. One is a valid concern but when you dole out advice, not listening at all and it insists on doing their way. Then when the problem becomes bigger I will shoulder all the stress again as if I don't have a lot weighing me already. I want to be supportive and also protect myself as well because it can be so overwhelming that I'm already acting out somehow because it's too much. It frustrates me because some things can be avoided if we actually aim for peace of mind. I'm just in a daze with complex feelings. Worried and scared and exhausted. And there are things on the horizon too to keep me awake at night. Where do I go?

Lunch

Warning signs are here again and I'm getting nervous about it then some annoying things happen. I couldn't take this all in. One at a time please. Or maybe stop digging for problem when there is none and focus on something that's actually quite alarming instead of finding ways to avoid it and let others deal with it. Unnecessary annoyance!

IYD

 Ok, I set myself up so I can finish something on schedule but not working so far! Let's try tomorrow and hopefully I'll be more successful because I really have to! No choice but to do so! May I find enough motivation!

Loss

 A friend recently lost his wife after battling an illness. Every time I see him, I can see the pain in his eyes. When he received his 13th-month pay, he said to me that it made him sad because it just reminded him how happy his wife was during this time of the year. It broke my heart to hear that. I just can't imagine what he is feeling right now. I try my best to console him as much as I can but I sometimes don't know what to say so I just listen to him. I hope it helps him process what he feels. I easily get affected when it comes to things like this. I guess I'm an empath? Sometimes I don't want to care because it gets overwhelming at times but I can't help it.

Amber's

 We didn't have a Christmas party this year but had a Christmas lunch at the office. It was a very challenging year, but we made it through again. Next year will be a better one for us, manifesting it. Things are changing, but we still managed to get through this. I'm grateful for that. 

Patches

 Good intentions, bad executions. It's so hard to handle it because it is irritating. After all, it's reckless and so out of the blue. But then again the intention is good so how could you fault that. I just have to let it go and pretend to be in favor. It's still good to be polite, lashing out won't do any good, especially for such a small thing. I'm just in a weird place lately. I feel so down for some reason but I just keep it in because I don't stir bigger drama that is unnecessary. When everything is OK, let it be. 

Could Have Been

I'm really sad this one slipped away from us and while I do believe we did a good job, this is beyond our control. It sucks though because I really wanted to work on that. I really suck for feeling so anxious and awful again when everything, in general, is OK. But I miss having that sense of pride that yes I can show off. It's a very small perk but it made me feel good. 

Encash

Each time I do this, I panic again because of a drought. Now, I'm torn giving up something again  to help out but I also get tired because of it. But I also need to look after myself as well. I wish there would be an outpour again so we get all to be happy. I need to be more assertive and not feel guilty that I could be crossing the lines. I get conscious because of some previous incidents where I was called out. I overcompensate now which I feel that I'm getting the short end of the stick. But really not. I'm just paranoid. I wish that thing was still with us so I feel more at peace. 

Hammer

I need to do something but I got lazy again. I just did my own version of fun again!  It's kind of waste of time and I kinda regret distracting myself again. But I've done it so many times, I never learn! Anyway, now I have to catch up to get this done. Good luck!

Tear Down

I kinda hate that I got interested in a recent celebrity cheating scandal but the story is just so interesting but then it made me realize how this is way too personal that people should not be informed about this. This is how "justice" for some people is these days I guess. It looks fun if done on a fictional series or movie but when it's real life, you gotta feel a little bit icky about it too. So yeah, I need to really not get so invested with this kind of things really even if it's inescapable sometimes. 

Pushover

I have to be strong and not let the repetitive things affect me that much. I'm a weakling, I just couldn't bear the thought of being the target of ill feelings especially when I know I did nothing wrong in the grand scheme of things. But I always give in, I take the high road because I thought that this would give me peace of mind but I've realized that I've opened myself to further emotional torture. I don't deserve it but I just have to deal with it. I just need to learn to be numb. But I do hope someday, I get a sincere apology for all the hurt you did to me and full realization that you did me wrong. Yes, there's a lot of love but the moments you hurt cut me deep. I didn't act out and just shoved all the pain so I could focus on more important things. But everytime I'm treated unfairly, all these feelings pour in and make me miserable in the end. I'm so tired of it all but I know I really have nowhere to go.  Sometimes I get drunk on a fantasy life, of what could have been. It gives fleeting feelings of joy but ultimately it just makes me sad. That's why I avoid thinking about it but in moments like this when I feel so down and hurt, I am defenseless to my own vulnerability.  Oh Dear Lorn, please enligthen those who need to be, get into the heart and realize all the pain I've been carrying deep inside my heart all these years. I can't speak up, I can't fight back. All i could do is just lay in bed and cry silently so I could wake up with a better feeling. 

Wrapped 2024

 Spotify Wrapped used to be more detailed when it still had a dedicated website but now that it's just app only, it got a little boring but nonetheless, as a chart geek, it's fun to see my music ranking for the year. This year I jumped the BINI bandwagon and got into many Gen Z artists! This is not me trying to be young but I just enjoyed their music and it's appealing to an older millennial like me! My top podcasts are 2/3 audio dramas that Nanay loves to listen and the other three are about my interest in entertainment business, economics and Internet pop culture!

Sink

I'm always walking on eggshells. This is not something new, but I feel awful each time it happens. I have no choice but to be level-headed, I can't join in or else we will all fall. On top of that, I have to deal with increasingly alarming signs that I try to ignore but deep inside I feel so much fear of what could happen next. All I want for Christmas is peace of mind or a semblance of it. 

Carols

 I started playing Christmas songs today to set me in the holiday mood. Yeah, it really didn't. It didn't help that the weather was gloomy and rainy, too. And I'm still a little sick, too. Hopefully, I will feel more of that vibe in the coming days. 

Shine

 

It's a yearly tradition to wait for the ABS-CBN Christmas Station ID. I have to admit this year I'm a bit underwhelmed with the song, not as instantly catchy as before but the meaning is good course. It just doesn't have the same magic but I don't know maybe it's a grower. Family is Love in 2018 I was underwhelmed too but eventually got the hang of it. 

'Tis the Season

 December us here and as usual since things happened in my life I'm not feeling the holiday joy anymore and 'I've long accepted that I will probably never feel the same excitement I had when I was a child. But I always try not to be a grinch to others and myself. I don't want to be in a miserable state so I find ways to feel positive, appreciate what I have, and be grateful that I'm not facing larger-than-life problems. It's a constant battle that even gets harder during this time.