It's hard to concentrate when I can't shake this feeling off my system. I know I need to be grateful because it could have been worst but no matter how hard I try I just can't suppress this feeling of despair. How I wish the situation was different, how I wish we were in a better position. It's selfish but I wish I was able to maximize life and enjoy it right now but every moment when I feel a tinge of joy, I'm quickly reminded things could still get worse. I want to look forward to something, to feel excitement again but that feeling that anything bad could happen keeps me in check all the time. I wish to be free of this feeling and yet I know deep inside that being freed from this internal prison comes with a price I don't want to happen. It's hard to feel that because no matter what, there's simply nothing I can do no matter how hard to try to change everything. It's an ugly feeling I wish I can just erase from existence.
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