Closer

 Well, it's been a really challenging couple of weeks, months. I do see a ray of light, but I don't want to jinx it, so managing my expectations. But seriously, it has been so tough and really tested my patience and resilience! I hope everything settles soon. Badly need it!

Calmer

 The one thing I'm good at is pacifying things, controlling things from escalating. I had a rough couple of days but thank God I didn't lash out at anyone because it would just have made it worse. Venting here on the internet really helps me process what I feel and let out all the toxins in my mind. I really don't want to make other people uncomfortable because of the things that make me go insane. I've been at the receiving end of those kind of meltdowns so I know better.

Cooler

 It's really hard out there so I really hope I won't have to do it but the longer I wait the harder it gets. It's taking too long and the pressure increases. Struggling really hard now. 

Romanticizing

 Now I'm dreaming of a scenario where I'm in a much better spot but then skepticism comes in. I'm just afraid to take a leap. I'm afraid I missed my shot.  I don't know I'm so confused because of this uncertainty for months. It's so hard, this is consuming me so much. 

4pm

 Annoyed but what can I do but be the one to adjust since I'm at fault for tolerating it to avoid conflicts. Yeah, I'm a pushover. I don't know maybe someday all the things I endure could lead to good things. 

Stretched

That's why I can never be confident. Disappointed with myself but I'm at fault. I need to get rid of things dragging me. I get lazy and complacent. I need to get back to my old self again and focus better. I am whining deep inside when I knew why things have turned out that way. I need to change my mindset.

Fumbled

 Tired of waiting, but I don't have a choice. But moments like this make me wonder if I should have been bold enough. I closed some doors because I believed it was the right thing to do, but now it's making me reconsider those decisions I made. Well, things were still okay then but these past few months have really challenged me. Waiting and waiting, hoping this will be okay, but it looks like nothing is gonna happen soon. I'll be okay once something actually happens, but there is no movement at all. I'm worried sick. I get irritated easily because of that, but of course I don't lash out at anyone; I just keep it all in. Sometimes I even to talk myself outloud when I'm alone or even when I'm along just to release those thoughts in my head.It's so hard. 

Bugs

Struggling is the game, doubting is the same.

Keeping afloat, afraid to rock the boat.

Itching to do something, but things are keeping it from happening.

It hurts when you reflect,  look away and deflect. 

Who Said

 Still nothing. I'm getting worried but life goes on. Hoping and praying always that this week will be it. It's been that way for the past 3 months but as much as I'm really desperate to have that finally I know the situation right now is so shaky. Oh dear Lord, please guide us!

A little more!

 Close to finish! I've been productive, although I snuck in some leisurely time so I won't get too pressured. I think it worked but as always I could do better!

Everyday

 I planned to do something this weekend but predictably chose not to do it. I do feel a little off for various reasons and I wanted to give myself a break from everything. But honestly, it's not a total reprieve, just a little. I'm all kinds of exhausted but the ones bugging my mind constantly is so hard to deal with. But I move along and always hoping, praying, for the best.

Tango

 Binging Georgie and Mandy on HBO Max PH and I really enjoy having some light to watch with so many things on my mind lately. I need an escape even for a short time. Life is so tough,

Moving Around

 So many stressful things going on behind everything. I'm okay not to know the whole story but this tidpits that I receive every now and then is not really helping things though! I'm getting scared, I want to make my plans but I have my apprehensions too. There's a lot at stake but I've faced many battles before that I survived but this is just on a next level of stress! Oh dear Lord, guide us.

Goals

 So I've been watching reactions on the Argentina vs England game at the World Cup today! Yes, I don't know anything about football, but I love big events like this and seeing how people react. The communal experience just gives me a good feeling!

Swings

 Not really a good start of the day when you continue to get bothered. I don't want to feel this way especially when I was reminded yesterday of the worst case scenario. However, I can't stop myself to feel annoyed from time to time but as always I always have to be the one to adjust and keep everything in to prevent things from escalating. All I really want is to have a peace of mind, even just a semblance of it from time to time because I know life is this way and will always throw curveballs. I just feel so annoyed, frustrated and deep down just plain sad.

6.2k

 Still nothing, and things keep piling. I'm getting so worried and frustrated! But no choice but wait, overthink, struggle then go along anyway. It's so hard sometimes... or maybe all the time. I don't know I just feel so restless with everything going on. Oh Dear Lord please guide me.

Turning Point!

 The pandemic! Before that I was thinking of resigning then COVID hit and our company managed to survive although there are ups and downs (downsizing with office space and personnel), I learned to appreciate my workplace kasi they fought hard to keep us afloat and now very flexible sa time, pwede mag WFH anytime which was so essential when my family had health issues from time to time. Sa pandemic din naging breadwinner na ako sa bahay, basically taking care of the bills and medicines for my parents. I was a bit of a free spirit pre-pandemic but sobrang nabago during the pandemic, I never thought I could handle big responsibilities but somehow thank God I was able to manage. And eto rin period na 'to what made me decide na I would rather stay single na lang and focus on taking care / looking after my family because I don't think I can be fair if I'll ever have my own family kasi divided attention ko (plus practically speaking di kaya ng finances)

Two-Way

 For the first time in two months, I won't have something to stress about the next day! Admittedly, I've been so messy on Mondays due to my own lapses. I still have things to improve but at least I didn't let myself get caught up with avoiding doing things. Hopefully, I can keep this up next week and perhaps improve and get things in order.

Annoyed and Stressed

All the time. One thing happens every other time, or worse both. I couldn't express my frustration because I don't want to escalate things further. So many things on my shoulders... on my mind. Oh, well. I know that's life. Just venting here as usual so I could be normal in practical apperances. 

Rain Drop

Heavy rainfall today, and I'm so glad, working at home is an option! Commuting when it is raining is extra hard, so even if the humidity is also a pain, I prefer that because I function better. But I know we need rains too but typhoons are scary! Glad the rainfall today wasn't as hard as expected. Thank God.