Dracula

 So near yet so far away. This big burden I got myself into is nearing the finish line. I enjoy doing it but it's so time-consuming because I want to do it well. I wanted to help but then I realized I got myself into this mess because I let negative energy seep in and made me to do this thinking it would alleviate some burden but I passed it to me and it's too late to change course. It's been a chaotic every other week, I could have done better handling this but I got messy and lazy. Lame excuse but this is such a big lesson to me. Be carereful next time. I did it this week when I beg off something that would cause me so much stress! So hopefully I handle things better from now on. 

Uwan

 The images of the looming supertyphoon coming to the country is quite scary! Hopefuly, it won't really hit hard. Today's weather is good but you see I'm scared that it is the calm  before the storm. I have a lot of things in my mind and scary weather will add up to my anxiety! Oh dear Lord, please protect us. 

Andalucia

 Listening to IV OF SPADES' new album ANDALUCIA and as the kids say NO SKIPS! I love every single track! My favorites are Konsensya, Monster and Nanaman! But seriously all 12 songs are great!

Ways

 It's hard to deal with people's temper and anxiety. How to balance it so they don't go overboard and for me not lose it. It's very difficult to manage, really. I want to give up, but I can't. I don't want to feel it over and over again but it's the cycle of life I guess. And I was again reminded how the worst thing didn't happen so I should be grateful which I am really. I feel guilty sometimes too because I feel tired and I don't think I should feel that way. My life is such a mixed bag. I just want stability in all aspects but I know that isn't how life works. Lord, guide me. 

Fails

A bit annoyed that some things can't smoothly but since beggars can't be choosy so what else to do but endure as always. Make things work as you can. It's getting stressful again but hey let it be, 

Josie

 Watched a 90s romcom on streaming while doing something else. It's not really a tightly written story, it's so basic but it has its charms and that 90s vibe just makes me happy because well it just takes me back to a period of time, a period of innocence, a period of wonder. It will never be the same again but from time to time, it's nice to be reminded of that time. I totally understand what the adults were saying when I was kid when they reminisce the past.

Hear Say

 I'm in a rabbit hole of what happened to British (and adjacent) pop groups in the late 90s and early 00s aka my pre/teen era of loving pop music. Just interesting to go back in time and find out what happened to these groups because for most of the time they had hits here in my country, I just knew the songs and not the story. Which is probably for the better because this is era of parasocial relatioships with celebrities just ain't good!

Online

 I just stumbled this special feature on Canadian TV about exploring the internet 30 years ago when only a privilieged few can access it but the expert said some things here that actually happened today especially "content creation"

Ctwice

I was quite tired today and there's still a lot of things do still. But it's fine, I can manage. Hopefully, nothing untoward happens this weekend because I have a lot on my plate yet again! Plus, endless worries too. But yeah, I can manage. I will. 

Camera

 It has been release for a over a month already and it didn't caught my attention the first time but suddenly when I heard it again, it clicked to me It's not catching on unlike previous Ed Sheeran ballads, maybe because it's a new generation of young listeners but this song is just magical to me now!

Coin Purse 2

My more than a decade old coin purse is still missing and probably not gonna be seen! Gotta move on so I "bought" a new one which is the Mercury Drug coin purse which just cost me three SUKI card points! I hipe it's sturdy too!

Need

I'm worried. I'm scared. But I'm holding it in because I really don't have a choice. I don't feel resentful because I'm doing the right thing but it really is just scary. Oh dear Lord, please hear my prayer. 

Scramble

 I know this will come but still went with it. It was quite chaotic but I still made it somehow. More things are coming in though so I better pull myself together and be in a proper headspace to make it all work!

Flatter

I made a mistake taking this up because I just don't have enough energy for this to continue but I need to pull through and make it work. I need to speed it up because I don't really gain much from this aside from creative benefits! I dunno, it's just so hard! Kicking myself right now

Quezon

 I wanted to watch QUEZON movie but just don't have the time to squeeze it and frankly a bit hesistant money wise but the recent confrontation of the grandson of Quezon and the filmmakers on a Q&A sessiona after a movie got my interest to see it! Let's hope I can find the time and energy too to catch it

Chariot

 Westlife released a new song Chariot and I really like it. I love the Irish touch then it sounds quite adult and please without trying to replicate their past success from decades ago. So nice!

Mess

 I'm so annoyed once again. I can't really catch a break; always something chaotic happening that shouldn't be happening in the first place. I'm so sick of this but can't do anything about but let out a big sigh. Once again, I remind myself that this could have been worse, so put me in perspective. I'm so exhausted but will continue to march on. 

Enveloped

 So many things I fear in my head right now. My thoughts go overdrive and I'm now thinking of worst case scenarios. Oh please Lord, I hope those negative thoughts will never happen. I'm so scared so I try my best to do other things. 

K....

 At least it got noticed but somehow I feel in the end they will make it all about them in the end instead of looking out of others and doing some changes to not affect others with such negative atmosphere. I doubt it but one can hope. 

Coins

My coin purse is missig. It has a few one peso coins in it but still that coin purse has been so sturdy for over a decade. I hope it is just here somewhere in the house. I thought I kept in on my small bag that I used on weekend errands but when I checked that bag when I got home, it's not there! I really hope I just misplaced here it at home 

Table That

 Hoping for a good week ahead. There's something that stressing me out for awhile but I just decided to just let things be and face whatever is on the horizon. I trusted my instinct with this so hopefully I'm not wrong. 

Catch Up

 So I watched some TV shows like High Potential, Only Murders in the Building and Abbot Elementary! All on Disney+ because I took the 70% discounted annual plan a few months ago! I definitely enjoy watching shows again after being focused on other things or distracted by things I see on YouTube! Hope to have more time for this again

Double Meet

 So glad something that I thought was a lost cause is still alive! And twice the blessing! So glad we get some win and came in the right time. Hoping for more and more and more and more!

Counted

 Quite glad to see something pay off without me really asking to! Thank you, Lord! Made my day! Made me feel appreciated. So glad I didn't have to say or ask for it and let the work speak for itself! This is just what I need really because I've been quite a mess internally speaking although I always hold it together on the outside! More good news please!

Strands

 Technically free and I feel sad again because it's drying up again. I wish some of the stuff I worked hard for would reap something, anything because I just need it to keep on going. *sighs* Hoping for better days ahead because uncertainty always stresses me out. And I also have to deal with something next week that I've been stressing and torn about too. Oh dear Lord, guide me

Reap

I hope someday I could really reap the awards of this hardwork. I'm not complaining because I put myself to this willingly and I actually enjoy it but I can't help feel that I'm a bit shortchanged. I fully understand the circumstances and I'm happy to help so all I wish that we'll be in a better positon that I don't have to do this or at least get some good things to come my way?  I'm frustrated and hoping things get better.

Stay In

 I do often wonder what like without baggages is? Don't get me wrong universe I don't wish the worst and I know this is still better than what most people have. But when you are always on your toes anticipating bad vibes to spread in, it's hard to live without so much negativity feelings surrounding you. It is an unpleasant feeling that I wish I am free off but I know it's not possible and nothing ever changes.  I'm tired as per always.  I just need to vent so I can feel better inside and outside.  It's been really painful in more ways that one. But I need to survive. 

Yeah

 As always, I needed to get some push to get things done quickly. I've been stalling and almost thought of doing a mistake yet again because of how frustrated I was! I saw some signs but ignored then I had to suffer yet again the brunt! But at least it was not the total misstep yet again. Thank goodness!

100+ Weeks

 Tired of everything. Exhausted of everything. But I can't lose control because who would else would suffer but me?  Constantly reminding myself that things could get a lot worse so just be grateful of the present that, in the grand scheme of things, is still okay. I acknowledge that. Grateful for that. But I'm just simply burned out. In all aspects. I just need to let this out so I'll be okay when I face the world. I just need a space to just let it all out so it won't me alive. 

Outlet

 There is one constant thing that's really making my life such a pain but I just gotta give in because standing up is not an option if I want a relative peace of mind. It's simply not the case for me. In a way I understad the root of all this and I wish for the same outcome but I know the odds are just not in favor and the consistent hope is just making us lose more. The particular party is well aware of that but chooses to cling on to that one little chance it gets through. I say encouraging words but nope deep inside I know it's just a waste. But I want to be proven wrong, I desperately want to because I would benefit too right and end this one thing that's making my life extra annoying, extra inconveniet, extra painful. I'm in such a miserable state right now.  I really hope and pray things could get better. It has to. 

Extras

 I just try to shove things down because speaking up will just add to unnecessary stress. But I'm having a hard time with the never changing attitude and have the audacity to say some guild tripping things that please one of the things you do is also an unnecessary burden! It's too much! But I can't say it because drama ensues. I always try my best to be understanding but when hearing such hypocrisy triggers me. But there's really nothing I can do but just deal with those things. I'm so lost.

Spinal

 Down in the dumps yet again! Feeling a lot of restless, worry and anxiety. I can't concentrate then I will rush things again when adrenaline is high. I just feel so off again, I need something to give me that energy again. Or I'm just giving excuse to my lame behavior. I really don't know. 

Bordering

 I still feel so bitter about losing that one and them getting that. I honestly believe we did well but it's really out of our control. It really sucks because it was such a sense of pride and now it's gone. It's hopeless but I sometimes I still dream that it will come back hence I still work so hard on that one particular thing because maybe they will reconsider? It's been over a year and yet it sucks so bad. 

Adjust

There are things I wanna do but I can 't. Or choose not to do so I won't affect others. I sometimes I want to be selfish. Then I remembered I made some selfish calls 2 years ago that I deeply regret until now. So yeah, everytime I feel this frustrated again, I will remind myself of that very bad mistake. I could have so much leeway if only I didn't let that overtake me. Now, I'm in such constang stuggle. 

Rector

 Working something that is considered a classic and it just feels different looking at it with adult eyes. But it deftinitely still brings in the nostalgic feels. You also then realized how personal standards have changed as well as you deal with somethin valuable from the past and trying to give it a different spin! Anyway, can't wait to see it!

More

I'm okay with things as they are because I always fear of things going worse as I experienced that a couple of times the past few years. But I can't also feel dissatisfied at times and wishig for some better. But I'm afraid I'm attracting negativity and this could bite me back. My mind is truly chaotic most of the times. 

Bolt

Just as I thought I had some leeway, nope! Things are being rushed out so I had to get my act together and get things done immediately! Let's go!!!

Mano

 I'm excited to work on something I have childhood exposure too! I started some of it earlier but I was not off to a good pace yet hopefully tomorrow I get my groove on! Checking out the materials I will work on is quite fascining because they are from the 1980s and they are basically time capsules!

BNO

 I was never really a fan of MAGIC 89.9's Boys  Night Out because the humor is just not a fit with my personality but still they are an iconic part of Mega Manila radio for so long so for it to end in such controversial way is quite shocking even if I haven't been really listening to radio that much these days... well, on my own choice I mean because we are a radio household every since I was a child so the radio is almost always on! Anyway, it's quite sad to see things that were very much present in your younger year fade away and lost its magic.

Destir

 Very hectic past 5 days! And there are more coming in, it's been quite tiring but it helps me again to be on focus and not let the many worries eat me alive. Like there were so many challenging moments today but I have no choice but take it all in and manage to keep things stable at the very best I can. So many mood swings I have to balance out. Oh well! That's my life now and I just think it could be so much worst so I will just deal with it the best way I can!

Sweeping

 So, I've been thinking on how to handle another delicate matter. I've been on this same road multiple times, one thing I did I ultimately the right choice but now again faced with this, I'm having a difficult path. I'm already seeing early signs of panic that frankly is so difficult for them and me as well. I want to choose convenience but what if there are consequences in the future? I hate that I have to make that call. I need to balance everyone's well being versus making this sure. My gut is telling me not to go with it but I'm just afraid it is a mistake.

God please help me.

This is What It Feels Like

 Another I'm tired of everything post incoming. Still the same thing over and over again. Stirring up trouble when there should be none. Always complaining, always whining. When there is relative peace, you find ways to find problems when there are none. Let's face it you don't like calmness, you crave for drama and be the victim as always. Sick of it. I can't speak up because it will not solve anything when it just falls to deaf ears. So I endure. Minimize my feelings because you want to avoid unnecessary stress. Because that is all you bring. Sure, you do things to assist but there's a caveat of resentment when it's conveniet to you, right? Yeah. Always the same case. I've lost hope that you will realize your flaws. I will just carry on no matter despite the heavy burden I carry everyday. 

Too Thin

 I knew this would happen, but I still got myself into this. Proud of what I can do but it is hard and tiring. And I wish I can just sit all day and give my 100% focus but there will always be distractions from all sides. I'm also guilty as well. Okay, carry on. 

The 3rd

 Feeling a little bitter. Well, no. I'm VERY bitter. I can't have that thing anymore. I have something else, but it's not as "brag worthy" I hate that I think of that but I won't deny that the fact that I was able to showcase that was a source of pride. Now, it's gone. And it wasn't in our control despite working our best. I still wish something changes and we get it again. 

Whiplash

 So the photos of my speaking engagement last week have been uploaded on FB and I hate to feel this way, but I really didn't like how I look! I'm never really conscious of how I look before but now seeing my present sel,f I can't help but feel sad. I just look different, with my bald head and generally stressed face. It's a good thing I'm not really conscious of how I look daily, I rarely look at the mirror much less take photos of myself but during moments like that when I am captured by another point of view, I feel uncomfortable looking at myself. 

Momentum

 Okay, I have a lot of things on my plate that I'm willingly put myself into. It's quite difficult but this is what I wanted and volunteered for!  So, yeah let's get moving!

Overcast

 Rainy weather the past 2 days! There's typhoon up north and another on the horizon! I hope it changes direction though. I like cold weather but not really feeling a gloomy atmosphere days, affects my mood to be honest. Let the sun shine please!

35

 So watched a news feature about how in some industries, 35 years old is already too old. As a 38 year old person, this is really chilling. My industry thankfully doesn't have this kind of age ceiling but then it makes me wonder how employable I am these days. Really thankful I have a stable job right now. 

921`

 March against corruption happening the whole country. It is inspiring however just as I was afraid, there are certain groups who will mess this up by doing chaotic stuff in guise of protest but really they just want to stir trouble! It ruins the true meaning of this protest movements. So frustrating. 

Docus

 I watched two documentaries today, one on YouTube about South Korean international adoptions and I was really surprised of the history of it and got sad with the personal stories I've watched. The other one I watched is Unknown Number on Netflix and I had to pause when it was revealed who the perperator was! It's really shocking and just gross!

The Paper

Watched The Paper (streaming on HBO Max here) and I loved it. I'm a bit biased because I have a degree in Broadcast Journalism and was news writer and editor on the school paper, so a show about journalism is up in my alley! The show is really different from The Office, just set in the same universe but they're totally have different angle. It has a good cast and captures a good emotional beat too. I hope people will discover it eventually because for me it is a gem

Tract

 Everything will be fine. If not I will do my best to make things appear fine for everyone else's sake. The sacrifice I have to make. The inner turmoil. Lord, please guide me because I could break down again deep inside. Help me be strong in this trying time yet again. 

Full Circle

I was invited be a resource speaker for today's General Assembly of DLSU-D's Heraldo Filipino and the yearbook team under the revived Student Media and Publications Office. It's truly an honor to be part of the landmark 40th year of HF and the revival of the SPMO. I started with Team 20, and being the speaker this time for Team 40 holds special meaning. It's a full circle moment. I was also inspired by Br. Victor and Sir Christian's talk about integrity and the power of critical thinking. Seeing how the students reacted to my talk and Q&A also made me really happy.  We may be two decades apart, but the current generation of HF still has that same fire and spirit of the batches I was part of. 

Overload

 This song turned 25 year old and it still sounds so fresh! It has this hypnotic vibe!

Notes

 I was invited to speak for Heraldo Filipino Team 40's year start assembly. I'm given 15 minutes to give a speech. Now, what will I say? I'm contemplating preparing a written speech but I don't know I want to speak from the heart and impromptu? But I'm not eloquent and talks fast! Anyway, planning to have my talk circle around overcoming your fear to try something your heart has been wanting for. I joined HF on my second year in college. I wanted to try on my freshman year but I was so insecure and also scared! But I took my chance on my second year and I made it! Another story I will share is that I was rejected on my first try to become an editor (News and OCM) which broke my heart a little but then a year later I had the audacity to try to jump from mere senior statff to EIC and I made it! So yeah, I will work around those topics, hopefully I can deliver something vital!

Four Down

 So happy to have finished one very important task! First batch done! Still have more than half to go while I balance another weekly thing I let myself do because I both want to and need to. My plan this weekend didn't go the way I hoped for because of things I allowed myself. I rationalize that I need to take some time off to freshen up but let's face it I got lazy at some point. 

Stove

 Bought an appliance today for our home - a stove. Our more than a decade old stove broke down already. I'm glad there's a good enough local brand that isn't costly too! I still don't know how to cook though so this is my contribution! 

Omph!

I know this will be a challenge and I put myself willingly to do this. Creative wise, I really want to do it but it's quite a struggle to finish everything on time. Of course it's my fault because concentrating is quite hard!  Anyway, back on it!

Askin Tarifi

Recipe of Love aired its finale on SolarFlix tonight! Proud of the work I've done for this project especially the final episode that I've adapted. I really enjoyed this show Until the next one!

Spine

I have a lot of things to finish in 4 days so good luck but I live for this kind of challenge, keeps me my mind busy. It's a struggle to start to get a head start but once I get the right I'm all in. I could accomplish more if the situation was less complicated than before but I can manage. I will manage. 

But still we need more, so please come to us!

VMAs

 Saw some VMA 2020 performances online and it's nice to see they are doing all out with the productions, lots of visually appealing performances. Alex Warren's production so good, made the songs sound epic same with Tate McRae's. First time to see sombr perform and while I like his songs he is so awkward to watch, does not have stage presence yet. Maybe he should have been preshow. I wish Katseye was main show but the crowd energy at close proximity was great for a song like Gnarly so all good.

Tight

 I've asked for it. And now I have to make it all work. But I will do it. I can do it. Let's go! 

Phrasing

 I had to make sacrifices to help out and pitfalls are unavoidable. I know outsiders will say I should just step out for something better but in my heart I truly don't want to. Sure, there's fear of the unknown but I genuinely want to help. Praying that things will get better soon.

Stock Up

 Something unexpected happened and I grabbed the opportunity! Now more than ever do I need to collect as much as I can so I can keep things afloat and not derail everything. I need to focus on things so nothing will be affected. This is what I wanted after that 2 months of dry spell so rev up!

38

Another year older today! Life gets tougher as I grow older but thank God I'm still surviving. Lord please give me strength as I navigate through life. My birthday prayer is for my family's safety and well-being. Please keep them away from any kind of harm and danger. 

Press

 I was checking Heraldo Filipino's website and to my surprise, na-quote ang sinulat ko from 18 years ago sa isang column! It's bittersweet because it is touching to have a piece you wrote resonate nearly 2 decades later, but a little sad because the sentiment I had then is still felt by today's generation of campus journalists. 

Survive

Things are coming, but there are still many obstacles to make it run smoothly. You understand all sides, but there's really no choice but to compromise because the other option is grim. I hate that we are in this situation yet again. So difficult. 

HeartBuds

 So I finally bought a bluetooth earphone because I saw it was on sale, 50% off and a price point I could afford! I still like the sound of writed earphones better but I acknowledge going wireless is more ideal when I commute and also ideal to use when in bed as well. It's a heart-shaped earbud because it is marketed to women but I don't care it's cheap and works well so far. I hope it will last long!

Unpleasant

I'm tired of dealing with people seeking drama. Loud mouth but when you get into trouble for over stuff that you can just let go, what's gonna happen then? Unnecessary stress! Boredom is not an excuse to seek stress!

Invitation

 So I received from one of the officers of the current team of my beloved Heraldo Filipino. They're inviting me to be a guest speaker at their year-start activity. Of course, I said yes! I would love to visit my school again, the last time I was there was over a decade ago when I was again invited by the HF EB then to be a panelist for their EB application interview. It's also a nice touch because it was 2005 when I was accepted by HF so 2 decades later I will be a guest to a whole new generation of idealistics campus journalist! It makes my heart smile. I'm not an eloquent person but I will try my best to impart how HF has become instrutmental on how I became as an adult navigating the real world. 

AD

I've been doing audio description writing for some streaming movies lately and it's quite fascinating. It's a feature I didn't know existed until I learned it on my job about two years ago. I now find myself turning audio description features more frequently, first to study how they are written but I'm actually digging it now and it enhances my viewing experience. I've been a dubbing/ADR writer for more than a decade already so nice to have another writing skill that watching TV/movie is needed!

Amor

I'm so happy that after nearly two months, we will be fed! It's still not the ideal amount to keep things in a safer zone, but definitely better than the dry spell for nearly 2 months. Thank you Lord and please keep them coming!

Wrong Send

It was so weird that I suddenly felt something emotional then apparently there was something that happened almost at the same time when I felt it that is actually connected to it.  It was a surprise discovery really and I was really upset. But I composed myself and didn't tell anyone. It's not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Now I think I'm okay. There's just a lot of stressful things bugging my mind and hopefully I will get over this phase soon.

Gaps

Nothing again. 

Next day awaits.

But now spiralling internally. 

So many contingency plans in my head. 

So many I would do things differently 

So many wishes and regrets.

A tinge of reproachments too

I know it's unjustified though.

So I keep all those thoughts in.

It will be a recurrence

Until I feel secure and safe.

When....

Nothing again. It really sucks. Maybe tomorrow. 

Just Keep Moving

Hoping this would be the week where we receive some good news. It has been such a struggle mentally speaking to handle all these worries and uncertainty but I kept on moving along. But really, please let it be this week!

Facts First

 I first knew of Christian Esguerra when I attended UST's campus journalism workshop INKBLOTS nearly 20 years ago and he was one of the speakers. Then and until now one of my favorite journalists! I

5k

 Not exactly a good month, although I always remind myself that I had far worse experiences around this time in recent years to keep things in perspective. But it has been a struggle; it's so hard to be happy

I tried so hard....

 Falling into nostalgia rabbit holes again on YouTube! Always bittersweet, trying my best not to be that sad because of feeling things! But I guess it's okay to have an outlet to let those feelings be out there. I always try to bury those feelings inside. I just can't be paralyzed with these thoughts. I just can't. And I know I feel these things because of external factors. Hopefully, things will brighten up soon. I'm holding like always but I'm such a mess inside. 

408

 Day didn't go as planned.... or rather didn't go as hoped. But oh well, still had some moments when I escaped from the usual. Made me feel a little nostalgic too. And you know with nostalgia comes a tinge of sadness. Anyway, back to the grind tomorrow. 

Next Page

I bought a book after a year! This is the sequel to the Three Body Problem book that I really loved and it says something because I'm not really into sci-fi but this one just grabbed my attention. With Three Body Problem, I saw the TV show first so I have an idea already when I was reading but this sequel I know nothing about so excite to dive in!

 

It's Okay!

 Glad to have something on the horizon to look forward to now! I still want more of course but nonetheless this is a good start. Now, I kinda worry that things could will be overwhelming next month but that's a good problem than what we have been subjected to the past few weeks of barely walking. Still praying hard for more to come especially as the 4th quarter is coming near, we badly need it!

Openings

 There's some pathways I saw today but there's still worry about them actually becoming a thing and if it does become a thing it could be chaotic and disorganized but I still it willl push through because it is so much needed and whatever obstacles that we could face, let's just cross the bridge when we get there and find solutions because now more than ever we needed something, anything to keep things afloat. T.H.E.S.T.R.U.G.G.L.E

Give Thanks

 Oh Dear Lord, I admit when I am overwhelmed with stressful stuff I do tend to neglect the good things happening and blessing and today I was reminded of how things could have been so much worse and thank you God for guiding my family and keeping them away from harm. I will strive my best not to forget this whenever I face uncertain stressful moments. 

Leanne

 I watched this new sitcom on Netflix - Leanne. It's from the same team who did my other sitcoms faves Mom, Bob Hearsts Abishola and the Sheldonverse. It's not as  funny as those shows yet but it has a good heartwarming and comforting feel to it. I enjoyed binging it today. I hope it gets a season 2 but if it doesn't the end was quite nice already. 

Floats

 Another about to end with so many questions in my mind. So many lingering thoughts that really scare me. I'm really hoping and praying that next week will bring in good news because it has been so difficult struggling to stay positive. 

Enfeoffed

This has been the longest drought and I'm really stressed about it. I still get to do stuff but it's not enough. This task I made for myself I was able to stretch it for a few more days so I have something to do but it's really making me sad that we are struggling at the moment. It sucks so bad. :(

Unexpected

It has been quite the struggle lately so to finally receive some good news just moments ago is such an euphoric feeling. And it came out of nowhere. Something that we have forgotte already because it seems like a loss cause but well we were in for a surprise. Thank you Lord, it just came in at the right time!

Flows

 The dry spell continues. So frustrating but there's always glimmer of hope. And I hold on to that. I'm also glad I got another day to fix some things with this one I was working on but started late because it is kinda boring but this is all I've got for now. Hopefully, more things will come soon.

Bits

 It is getting depressing! We are still not receiving stuff that will make things secure. I'm very worried that while I do get things done, I feel like I'm not giving my best capacity because of this cloud over my head. Oh dear Lord, please give us some good news soon.

Should've

A "what if I was there" situation. I hate that I saw that because I feel more envious than ever. Although the truth is, that's not really my line of interest but with my current struggle I should have let this stupid passion rule my head and tried to expand my horizon for better opportunities. Now I'm stuck with something that makes he happy but also makes me incredibly frustrated with how unstable it is. 

Get 'Em

 Since I've been a little messed up the past weeks I tried to avoid things that will give me unneccessary and shallow stress! I failed at the start because I was leading into another of those but good thing I scaled back past before it annoys me too much. I need to control my impulse sometimes, or maybe most of the time!

Cycle

 Dealing with so many problems and trying to put a brave face on. I am so exhausted. I will try to make an escape and check out because thinking about the many things that bother me is just overwhelming. Endless worries. Endless anxieties. Endless stress. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I am lost. Lord, please guide me and the people I hold dear. 

Deli

 I was so worried of so many things but after talking it out it was not that horrible afterall and realize some of your gut feel was right all along. That's why sometimes it is need to clarify things head on and not torture yourself with assumptions. 

Signals

Sometimes I wish I didn't know much but it's still a good thing that I know enough so I will be conscious enough of my surroundings and the current status. It is a tricky situation because I know the practical side but also the more emotional, human side that makes things complicated. I'm a bit glad I'm not really the one in position to make big calls because it's a tough one!

Well

 Finished with one thing and now back to emptiness! I hope more stuff will come our way soon. This situation is stressing me out as I fear for a lot of things. While there some blessings today, I'm already worried sick of the future when the well runs dry. God forbid. Oh dear Lord, please hear my prayers and have good news come to us soon. 

Biscuits

 I always try to remind myself that things could get so much worse whenever I feel so frustrated with so many aspects of my life, but there are just simply moments in life when it is just so hard to keep a straight face with so many UNNECESSARY annoyance in life. I'm just really tired dealing with so many things that should not be a problem in the first place. But I really have no choice but deal with it because no one else would step up and take care of things.

Water

 Oh well, instead of just taking things calmly, you go overdrive and make things more complicated than it should be. Always complaining, always finding faults. You simply don't want peace of mind and just want to seek stress all the time. You will never change. I'm so tired of it but I have no choice anyway but deal with all your whining, ranting and meltdowns. I will just try my best to be numb. 

Embrace

 A bit of sigh of relief now with two things coming in so next week won't be a complete waster of resources. One of the most worried I've been in the past couple of years but still hoping for something with a longer leash. Hopefully, it comes soon enough

Hard to Be Happy

Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas has a new song, and how apt it is at this point in my life!

Some days get hold of me

Sometimes it’s hard to just be happy

And I could try

Don’t seem no use to me

Sometimes it’s hard to just be happy