Muster

 I have things to be happy about but the feeling of sadness over some aspect of my life is overwhelming, I  wish I didn't feel this way but I already do. I hope to get some boost soon because I don't like feeling this way

March

 Struggling to finish something I could normally do without a hitch. It's because of some recent news that's making me lose enthusiasm about it. But I need to power through it and make things happen

Good News

 I've been so down lately that to go home to some good news is such a treat. It's still far from over but it's not what I'm fearing about. I hope things from hereon will be on the right track. 

Straightforward

 Problems at home. Now problems at work. I can't catch a break. The last time I had a difficult Christmas season was over 10 years and I survived. Hopefully, I survive this again. I've already decided not to go to the Christmas party this year for the first time ever. Simply because I don't want to go home late anymore for various reasons.I  just don't want the stress of holiday traffic to add to my mounting pile of stressors. 

Jaded

 I was on a bus when the earthquake hit this afternoon so I didn't really feel it but then again I had a lot of things in my mind that I probably just didn't notice it. So many problems. I'm having a hard time.

Great Story

 I'm not really in the holiday spirit but I always look forward to the ABS CBN Christmas Station ID song to boost my mood somehow and yet again, they didn't miss again this year

Pile Up

 I have so many things on my mind now. I can't focus at a time that I really need to. So many things troubling my head. What a pain. What a miserable life I have now.  And this being the holiday just adds more sadness because there's just nothing I can feel excited about. There's so much dread. 

Sit Still

 Made a mistake and let my emotions get the best of me. It's hard to stay patient under this circumstance. Some of the pressure I feel is self-inflicted so I have no one to blame but myself and now I affected another person along the way. Oh Lord, this is really hard but still thankful for this chance and I really hope I, we, can find a way to balance things out and not suffer from the pressure of it all

Canvas

 Busy weekend ahead, I need to pull off a semi miracle but hey let's do this! I need all the concentration I can get. I set myself up for this really and was at fault too because I let myself get distracted but can't afford to do so now. I really hope I can make it work

KN

 So I was busy today and I wanted to be productive again at night but this entertainment news caught my attention! Because the impact is massive! It's a pop culture moment! Honestly, I do need something inconsequential as distraction to real life struggles!

Wrapped 2023!

 My Spotify Wrapped 2023! I'm an Olivia Rodrigo stan, Gen Z whew hahaha

Top Artists

1. Olivia Rodrigo

2. Taylor Swift

3. SZA

4. Lauv

5. Westlife

Top 10 songs

1. bad idea right - Olivia Rodrigo

2. vampire - Olivia Rodrigo

3. Steal the Show - Lauv

4. Kill Bill - SZA

5. love is embarrassing - Olivia Rodrigo

6. Raining in Manila - Lola Amour

7. New Cool - The Cast of Grease: Rise of the Pink Ladies

8. Don't Let the Light Go Out - Panic at the Disco

9. Fighting Myself - Linkin Park

10. Forget Me - Lewis Capaldi

Top Podcasts

1. Who Weekly - discovered this year! Podcast about Hollywood Z listers

2. Dear MOR - local audio drama

3. Ang Walang Kwentang Podcast - local pop culture podcast

4. Rotten Mangoes - true crime stories weekly that I discovered this year, really good storytelling from the host

5. The Hollywood Reporter's TV's Top 5 - whew!

Vision

It's hard to see the struggle and I sometimes I do get lost with it all. I always remind myself how the close calls were to take me back to the reality that despite the situation, this is still better than the worst outcome. I really hope and pray for strength for everyone involved as this is really a tough one

Just

 Today was a holiday in advance! This is not the official day but the no-working thing was held today for long weekend economics whatsoever. I would normally go the office today because I do like the commute during a holiday like this. I chose not to. I decided to give myself a break and do nothing of significance. I need it to clear my head. It won't solve my problems but it gave me room to breathe. 

Mixed

 Some days are okay, some are not. I always have to remind myself to keep the faith because I'm the one who easily breaks internally. That's why I chose to step back a little and keep others ahead because sometimes the pressure is just too much for me to handle, I'm drowning in misery and fear. Oh dear Lord, please hear our prayer

The Sad Truth

 It was just a temporary reprieve and we are in a rough position now. Scary times and we don't know how can address it properly. There are just so many factors involved preventing us from doing some things. And honestly, there's just distrust that it could further escalate rather than help. It's so hard

Hanging on

 It is getting hard lately but I need to be strong, I need to be brave. But I really hope to see some light soon, a hope to cling on to.

Fan

 The office aircon broke today so yeah it was quite uncomfortable! There are other rooms that have aircon so they just opened the door but still it wasn't enough. I hope it gets fixed soon, I seriously can't work properly if it's humid

Tired

 I'm quite tired and scared and worried. But I need to march on and do everything I can to keep everything together because I can't manage not to do so. Oh Dear Lord, please guide and help me

Cling

 The fear is setting in again. I am afraid to leave because of the very bad images I have in my head

Not Over

It's still far from over and there are still so many things to worry about but I always remind myself that we were once again so close so I have to be stronger and be grateful my prayers were heard. I still live in fear each day but I need to muster the strength to fight back

Miracle

 Thank you Lord for once again giving us a chance. And we will do our best not to waste this opportunity. I was so scared but thankfully so many people prayed because I was losing faith and hope. Thank you so much!

Cowardice

The thoughts on my head are insane. A disgrace. But this is really how I'm dealing with this problem I am facing right now. Call it defense mechanism, call it giving up, call it pathetic. I want to cling on to hope but it's tough for a serial pessimist like me that's why I want to step back so I won't affect anyone with my negative thoughts. 

Signs

Denial. Resignation. Pain. Devastation. Regrets. Desperation. FEAR. I want to feel numb, I'm acting like I am, But I'm not devoid of emotion. I'm overwhelmed with conflicting emotions at the moment. I dread what is ahead. Very scared. 

No, no

 I fell into the nostalgia rabbit hole moments ago and it was bad. I had a feeling of emptiness after it. Because that particular nostalgia was leading to an end and it was not good. I hate this feeling. Please don't let this feeling of dread go to some place bad

Pienso

 Glad to have some good news on the horizon but other things in my life are on shaky ground. I continue to be scared but I must keep on fighting even if thinking about all the things in my life right now is driving me insane. 

Fuse

There are a lot of things in my life that's stressing me out from little stuff like office internet speed so low to my phone's battery acting up to more major life concerns  that's bugging me so much right now.  Everything is not working the way I want it to be. The way I hope it would be. I'm so frustrated and maybe even depressed now at this point? So much anxiety is making my life so difficult to deal with

Weak

 Seeing the weakness and vulnerability breaks my heart. I almost want to give up but no I can't, I shouldn't, I don't want to. But it's really hard to see this in real-time. Oh Lord, please give us a miracle

Jitters

 It is starting again.  Something is different. I have an idea what it is but I'm scared to confirm it. I'm in a daze. So scared. Please Deard Lord, don't let it happen again. 

Sullen

 I wish there was something I could be excited about again. Enveloped with fears and worries, I'm struggling. I've been binge-watching a sitcom I have fallen behind when I got really preoccupied. Now I had the time to sneak some time to go for escapism which was effective for quite some time but didn't really last long enough to get me out of this modd I'm in. I hope there's something that can cheer me up soon. 

The Theme

 For the first time in a long time, I have nothing. I had something but I gave it up for "the better good" and yet I felt like I was questioned again. There was an acknowledgment of the things I did and an apology for making me feel bad but the damage has been done. My psyche is such a mess now. It was just not a good week for me in so many ways so it didn't help that I was questioned even I did something with good intentions earlier on. My mind is going to such dark places, it's driving me insane. Oh Dear Lord, let there be light please. 

Not again

 Even though you try your best to help out, efficiency will still be questioned because others can't catch up.  No time was wasted, everything pushed through without a hitch so what's the problem here? Why are there questions again? Making you feel like you did something wrong. It's as if you were flaunting luxury or delivering poor quality just to make things pop. But just in case, you are ready to prove your case because the need is there, you need to suck it up

Devastated

 I regret being scared of facing it when I knew it would catch up with me eventually. I just delayed but it never solved anything. I just delayed the pain and remorse. 

I regret wasting resources for those two stupid months because of me thinking it would make me happy but it didn't, it made things worse. I wish I backed down and saved it for better use which I feel is coming soon.

I'm so sorry. I had it coming.

Ponder

 I miss my young adult days when I had fewer real-life problems. Back then I had so much idealism. Now, it's all about survival. It's so tough. But I still cling on to any glimmer of hope. I must.

Deflect

 Scary signs. It's all over again. I'm so frustrated and lashing out to myself for the most part but I sometimes can't hide it fully anymore. I wish I was firm in handling this challenge but I am not. I'm falling apart. 

Sins

Closed out a project today and it was a journey to finish it today so many stressful things going on at the same time. I need to contain myself, I'm going a bit insane but still trying to keep things to myself to avoid further escalating things. Anyway, I liked this project and hopefully there's more to come!

Balance

 I can't deny it, it's happening. The deterioration has started. It will be painful to witness.  I can't accept it but the signs are there. I'm getting defense at the wrong ways. I need to divert my attention or else I'll lose my mind. 

Alone

 It's back to the office today and I'm all alone. Well, it's not surprising because after a 2-day holiday, people just filed leave for Friday. But I'm the type who likes going to work on "odd" days like this, Commute is a breeze and I like the general calmness of everything. There will be other people coming later but good thing I secured the office keys for today so I can enter already because I go in early. I'm quite productive already before it was 8AM. And now I'm in another pensieve mood. Thinking about a lot of my worries while I'm on my lonesome though. Deep in rhought and trying to contain my anxiety. 

7k

I need to power through for that thing I want. I got lazy yet again but there's just no adrenaline rush to push things but I need to make things happen today because I have no choice! Why do always I get myself on this kind of thing? It's such a cycle

Little

I planned to do something but I only started it then drifted off to be far from what I was hoping to accomplish. It's not urgent but I want to be ahead but I really got lazy and just want to do not so serious things. Anyway, tomorrow I hope to finish this one

Deep Regret

In times like this when I feel some struggle, that mistake haunts me again. I was so stupid, letting myself fall into a trap I should have seen coming. Oh well. I hope I'll be able to bounce back from that mistake. I'm surviving of course but I really wasted the buffer I had because of selfishness. 

2 days

 Only two work days this week tomorrow and Friday. Some filed leaves for that I didn't. I have things to do and honestly look forward to them, I was planning to get some work done today during election day off but did absolutely nothing. I guess let's say this is me recharging! Or just being lazy! But I'll be back in work mode tomorrow the  2 day break which will still have me working too!

Proud

 So proud who has a hit podcast on Spotify Philippines - KILABOT: Pinoy Horror Stories! This cousin has always been a radio fan and wanted to be DJ while that didn't pan out, he found the platform where he could pursue his dream and I'm so proud he was able to do so. How I wish Tito Romy is still with us to see how successful his son is but I know he is proud up there.

Above

 You always have an idea of what the situation is and you get testy because you are afraid but at the end you need to face it anyway and deal with everything. You just hope things will get better or at the very least stable in a way that you could live a less frightening life each day.

Stepping back

 I'm a mess and to protect myself and others from the harm it can cause, I'm just going to take myself out of this situation for a very short time so I can cry it all out then I'll keep the facade of being strong. I will be vulnerable for awhile so I can be a braver person later because it is apparent that I can stop this anymore. I knew it was coming, I was trying not to think about it much but here we are. Oh dear Lord please guide me to be3 strong in all aspects

Incospicous

 Here I go again with this uneasy feeling. I want to shake it off but my mind is going crazy. So many fears that result in to blame game which shouldn't be the case. I do keep it inside because I don't want to add further stress,  But bottling it up inside is making me go insane. It's hard to concentrate when I'm very bothered and very worried about things I can't control. I don't want this feeling anymore but I can't escape from it,.

Complex

 I'm so conflicted about what to feel. I don't want to feel dismissive but I can't help but feel this way again. It's hard to be calm when you need to be the strong one. I try to think about other things to distract myself but the worries keep coming back and it will probably never end. I want to be the source of comfort but how can I if anxiety is killing me inside? Lord, help me.

Due

 My mind is racing with negative thoughts. Here and there. As usual, I jump right into the negative timeline. I need to step back before I affect other people and make them feel bad. I need to contain this feeling of skepticism and helplessness. I can't be that person who crumbles.  

Blurry

 The bad feeling I have I think I don't know is really manifesting. Oh Dear Lord, please no.  I'm so scared right now. I feel like there are signs coming and I really want to dismiss it but I'm so scared, I can't function anymore. How tough can I still stay. 

Hole

 I was planing to do something in advance but eh got lazy and just went to do nothing of significance aside from family responsibilities. It's quite a stressful time here at home so I need to detach myself so I can be numb. It wont last I know but I need a breather from all of this so I won't feel resentment for a long time. I need to focus on what's valuable so I won't have regrets when some bad thing lingering in my mind really happens

Tolerate

 I kept quiet about some lingering things because  I didn't want to stress about it. Life is too complicated already for me to stress about things that happen regularly anyway. You just accept things don't really change. 

Stifle

Sometimes I just don't want to go here because problems of all sorts welcome me. There's nothing I can do but absorb all the negative energy. It's suffocating but I can't complain. I can't make a comment. Just be silent, let them unload while you just take it in. Maybe cry silently 

Lingering

 Tomorrow unless something bright happens, I have to resort to a backup plan. Oh well, all things considered still OK. But during these times, I can't help but remember that fatal mistake a few months ago. If I didn't succumb to my impulse. I would be much okay today but hey at least still thankful I woke up even if it took a hard nudge for me to realize that I can't keep going. Sometimes you really to struggle to learn the hard lessons

Lens

 While eating at my favorite fast food near the office, I noticed that there is a new crew and he really looked young. Looks like it was his first time so he was a bit slower but good thing no other customers were complaining or making a scene to make things stressful. I did think about his age, and I think he really is just the same age of the usual people working at fast food but now that I'm a full-grown adult and a generation away from the young generation, my perspective changed and I see these young adults as really young or kids now. One of those moments where you feel your age already. I try to be tough and not be a softie anymore but I can't help but feel sentimental for the young generation especially those in the working class. Life is tough. I knew it now. 

Move

I'm still hoping for this thing to have some development already. I've been worried about it for so long but I still keep on hoping each week for some news but nada. Hopefully, the news will come this week or at least before the month ends just to secure stuff. The waiting has been really a rollercoaster for me.  I wish I didn't know about this like before but it's better than being oblivious. 

No, Please

 Seeing signs again of a potentially alarming situation. I'm scared again. I hope whatever negative thought I have right now will not happen. I'm just trying to keep it in and not panic. Oh boy

Life

 I'm so stressed because I feel like nobody cares as long as they unburdened themselves and let the shock absorber deal with everything, suffering inside but you can't speak it up because you don't want to make things a lot worse. You have to be a rational adult, you have to understand where they are coming from. Thinking back on the several mistakes I committed a few months ago, I would still continue doing that thing if I didn't get a huge wake-up call. That mistake gave me a temporary escape from my reality but still glad I was able to get that out of my system before more significant problems could set in and that's the last thing I need in my already miserable life. 

Remove

 I'm sick of being on the receiving end of other people stressing out. But I really have no choice but sweep things under the rug and just not make any comment not to aggravate things. I feel so trapped times dealing with so  many burdens I never thought I would actually be carrying at this point of my life. But it is what is is and I just have to deal with the best that I can do

Stare

 There's an international crisis right now that I've been sort of avoiding reading because it's stressing me out thinking of scenarios. I care but I know I am powerless. It sucks and I hope and pray we will never experience that kind of horror in our lifetime.

60

 Here I go again spiraling out instead of being more caring. But I do care of course, I've been doing the heavy lifting the past few years and I have no regrets. But it's just that my fears can really get me at times. I feel sorry after having mini meltdowns in my head. It's just hard really but I can't break down. No, I can't lose it. Dear Lord please give me strength and help me ease my worries

Alarming

 So much vulnerability around me right now. I'm quite scared to be honest. I need to stay strong. I need to stay focused. I must try to keep my spirits up. I need to muster all the energy I can to not crumble to the overwhelming worries clouding my mind. So help me God.

73

 Looks like another hectic weekend ahead but you know a door was opened so why not? I need it really especially with some things lately reminding me how integral it is in my life now. It's stressing me out but I'm trying to shove it down because this isn't the time for me to dwell on it. I have bigger things to work on

Tri

I did a LOT today but at least I'm now down to one major thing I need to finish by Wednesday! My mind was so busy because I had to do some other things to but hey this is good and hopefully there's more to come. 

Ant

 Yes, I made it! I was able to finish what I needed to take care of. Why do I have to do this in such a buzzer-beater kind of way again? I was really focused though and didn't rush things even if I wanted to because I can't bear to give something substandard. Oh well still busy days ahead but I am ready to face it

Ambivalent

 Another struggle. I know what I should do but my mind is putting it off. There's just something in me that's not clicking I guess. Hopefully tomorrow I can do so much better. I HAVE to really.

Woohoo

 Another busy weekend but grateful really! It's a really good thing that I like this current project I'm doing so even if has a tight schedule and quite challenging too creatively speaking, it's so fun! I hope I will be able to pull this off and fight the allure of procastination! 

Molehills

I made the right to just let something that annoyed me deep inside. I was just being sensitive and good thing my rational side prevailed. You really have to understand where people are coming from sometimes. It will likely happen I guess but I will always do my best to handle things well and not make things blow up unnecessarily. 

Flicker

I am currently doing a project that I really love! I hope I can see it when it's out already. But I'm getting ahead of myself because we are just basically starting but with a very rapid turnaround! It's such an interesting concept and got me hooked so doing it doesn't feel much work. I enjoy it probably a little too much that I might forget to do some of the things I need to do in lieu of work! 

Bottle

 I'm not a person that chases drama. I don't need that kind of stress in my life. As long as I can, I stay away from it. But yesterday I had another trigger. My rational side understands everything hence I try to act normal and unbothered. But deep inside I'm so offended. I know nothing good will come out of it if I speak about it, so I'm just trying to let it slide. Controlling what I truly feel is hard and eating me inside. But I have no choice but march on regardless. 

Nah

 Oh here again, I'm the one who's going to adjust. It's as if I'm not actually doing a big help too. Oh well, what else can I do, right? It really annoys me but it is what it is. 

Nokia 106

 Bought tatay a new phone. Still the basic keypad phone. We tried to give him a smartphone 2 years ago but he didn't like it and reverted to using his old phone. That old phone's battery died so finally bought him a new one. Nokia brand still. He's a text and call guy anyway and wants long battery life. Nokia basic phones are still dependable on that regard, one full charge can last almost a week!

Read

 I went off work early yesterday fearing heavy rains but when I was at the One Ayala bus station, I decided to look around what shops are now open and saw Fully Booked and randomly bought a book! 56 by Bob Ong! Prior to this, the last Bob Ong book I bought was Kapitan Sino. I used to collect Bob Ong books along with Pugad Baboy, Kiko Machine, Beerkada Young Blood, and Jessica Zafra. A collection started in High School until the early years of working. I stopped when life got in the way. I was reading 56 inside the bus while stuck in traffic and this is the kind of collection of personal essays that I really love reading. I really need to go back to reading again and not just scrolling aimlessly on my phone during idle times. 

Stare

 Recurring worries are bogging my mind right now. I feel so exhausted to be honest. I don't know what to do anymore. But I always need to carry on and fight every struggle. I guess this is what being an adult really is. I'm so down again. But hopefully, it's just a momentarily feeling. The last time I let this feeling, I went on to do things that I thought would make me happy but did nothing but give me more regrets. Oh  dear heavens help me please

Hey

Another week where there's no progress on some things. It is so sad but you need to hold on to that hope that things you wish for will finally come true. I hope it's pretty soon. I've been panicking already but I really need to chill. So good thing I made myself sure I will be occupied so I won't constantly think about it

Dice

Rolled the dice and pulled in some wins. While there are still things I really wish for longterm security taking things one day at a time is also good for my well-being. Finding things to enjoy lessens up the anxiety that could eat you alive.  I'm still scared of many things but I need to be stronger and to do so is to compartamentalize and it's working at times like today. Hoping for good days ahead

Blowing Air

 Anxiety through the roof yet again. Worrying about multiple things at once. Scared of possible scenarios. Getting sad about the lack of progress. Fearing the worst. Letting those thoughts flow in here is how I cope with it. It's how I process what I feel

Lion

 I have so many rejection stories that I thought I was numb about this stuff already but as it turns out I'm not! Although this rejection is not directly for me still, as part of the group, it hurts me as well! I kinda of wish those days, I didn't know about the process because now that I know too much, I always hold my breath whenever opportunities knock in so now seen many closed doors the past few months. I've been feeling so much disappointment and yeah hurt as well. And the never-ending anxiety as well now fortified with this added stress which I really shouldn't have resorted myself in the first in the first place but what can I do, I care too much

Nano

 Worked on something very hard and complicated and very glad I was able to finish it. But I think I will check it again tomorrow just to make sure I didn't mess up! I don't want to mess up this one in particular! Anyway, hopefully good news ahead! Like I always hope with each start of the week

Forward

 Lying to oneself is something I guess a lot of us do. We know we it is a lie but we try to convince ourselves otherwise. But I guess it's trying to make sense of everything we have or the struggle we are facing. The hope is always to get to a place where you don't to yourself or notice at all

To Come

 I was very busy the past two days and another busy weekend ahead too. But this is kind of busy that I love so much. Hope to be as booked as busy for the last 3 months of 2023! I'm really hoping more things to come really, we need it! But I am patient but also anxious but so far we are always kept afloat, so that's good! 

Exist

Oh yeah, a tight schedule ahead but not gonna lie I'm living for the moment! It helps that I have a genuine interest over this matter so it shouldn't be such a pain to do it. Hopefully, everything will be smooth sailing but I do need to finish something firts before I fully dive in there

Body

 Some good news although it's gonna be a challenging one to pull off but still than just waiting and waiting. This is a door that opened that hopefully will lead to more. So tomorrow I'll focus on finishing some stuff so I can free my mind to make this one really pop.

137

Fear came knocking again. At least I handled things better now. It was a reminder that it will never go away so I just have to do my best to handle it and lessen the fear they feel and contain the fea I have as well. Lord, please always guide me and them. Help me not break apart. 

900

I wish I didn't know too much. Now I'm worried sick of things not working out. But I need to know because a lot things are on the line. Too much pressure I guess. But I can't imagine the pressure they are receiving too. One of those days where I feel so down. 

Don't Jinx It

A new week is upon us and really hoping for good news to come like I've been the past few weeks or so. Maybe this is the week where the things I'm hoping will finally come true

Chill

 Good thing I don't have anything urgent so I just did nothing outside some few household chores. It's a good time to defreeze as well. But hopefully, it won't be for long and my weekends will be busy for productivity purposes again!

Flow

Reaping what I sow, especially something I worked very hard on is a nice feeling but after my worries are back again that it could end pretty soon. There are leads this week but I hope they will materialize, all of it, because I just want to feel more secure. I kinda miss the time I wasn't too involved with this but then again that was a mediocre time unlike this time where it is more fruitful but nerve-wracking!

Fingers Crossed

 I'm really hoping for best results and more to come as well! Badly need it! But also it's an interesting subject that I want to know more about! Oh dear heavens please give it to us!

Quick

 Things are getting released quite fast and I'm a bit overwhelmed and also a little paranoid that it will run out quick! But I do still have things at hand so all good. I hope more good news will arrive as soon as possible!

Physics

 Worked on something that could to lead to a door that I really want to open for us. I needed to be extra resourceful so I hope it works out! It is badly needed because it's getting worrisome already

Breathe In

 So happy I was able to accomplish two things I needed to do in a short time which admittedly was my own doing due to procrastination! I normally was able to estimate things better but I got complacent this time. Hopefully, nothing negative ensues as while I was cramped with time, I still made sure it won't be a crap job!

Few more

 Now paying for my procrastination! But still doing my best and not slacking off! I won't give a messy one and still deliver a quality output! I hope I can battle my procrastination next time! I've been too complacent lately 

Back

 I've been watching G-Mik on YouTube now.  It's a time capsule that takes me back to a simpler time. I hate falling into that nostalgia trip yet again, but I can't help it! As I grow older, I just feel more sentimental! 

Potential

 So some good lead hopefully to a new opportunity. But I've seen quite a number lately that don't go anywhere which really bums me. Hopefully, this one will really open the door. I really hope so because it is quite needed already. Crossing my fingers it works out. Please Lord!

Fired Up

 Finished two important things today and I have two that I need to get done in 3 days! I can do this. I'm glad this is what my mind is busy with and not resentment and frustrations. I also really some good news I've been hoping, waiting for will finally arrive in the coming days if not tomorrow because I've been anxiously waiting each day but for now I deal with the immediate matters on hand

Packed

 Did a lot of things today and hopefully tomorrow I can my goal. Wasting my weekend away doing nothing is kinda costing me now but well I did need a break as well, right? Hopefully, all the things I need to finish will be done and over with. I always like being this busy though. It helps me focus my mind on worthwhile rather than drowning in anxiety!

36

 I turn 36 today and I'm truly grateful for all the blessings I received and surviving the many challenges in life as I grow older. Thank you Lord for keeping my family safe. My birthday is for my family to stay healthy and safe and for the company I work to have consistent and more projects!

Cake

 It's not a good day. It was a waste. Now hopefully tomorrow will be better. It should be. I hope I won't get distracted with nonsense anymore.  Today was a mixed bag of annoyance from other sources and my own chaotic mind. 

Nothing

I have a stack week ahead. I could have had a headstart today but I chose not to because there's still enough time. I slacked off a little I guess but I do think I need a break so I can be fully charged to do things for the week ahead. Hopefully it all goes all well.

Ref

Another realization because of that fatal mistake I made is how I could have gotten something else if all the resources I used for that mistake were given to that other thing instead. The thing is when I was in those moments, all I wanted was to be selfish because I thought it would give me happiness after all the stressful things I've been dealing with. What's worst is I kept repeating those mistakes in quest to get the goal I wanted and in the end it took a big blow for me to finally realize the mistake I've done. Somehow, I'm still grateful I wasn't at the deepest end yet before I came to my senses. The past few weeks, I was testing myself if I would give in to it again and thankfully there were no close calls despite some floating thoughts about it once in a while but the feeling of regret overpowered me.  I truly hope I can be free of this feeling again but I know I need to learn the hard way. 

Course Correct

 So I made a call today that is disadvantageous to me but I need to do it so I will be out of the limelight. And also help people out. I have to admit I've been somewhat selfish in protecting my interests. But after the big mistake I committed a few weeks ago, I felt like it was a result of me rationalizing how I was selfless so I needed to indulge myself. But I made the wrong choice. So here I am, doing things not just to help myself but others as well. The big picture so to speak. It's quite a task given the fragility of it all but I do really think this is for the best.