Could Have Been

I'm really sad this one slipped away from us and while I do believe we did a good job, this is beyond our control. It sucks though because I really wanted to work on that. I really suck for feeling so anxious and awful again when everything, in general, is OK. But I miss having that sense of pride that yes I can show off. It's a very small perk but it made me feel good. 

Encash

Each time I do this, I panic again because of a drought. Now, I'm torn giving up something again  to help out but I also get tired because of it. But I also need to look after myself as well. I wish there would be an outpour again so we get all to be happy. I need to be more assertive and not feel guilty that I could be crossing the lines. I get conscious because of some previous incidents where I was called out. I overcompensate now which I feel that I'm getting the short end of the stick. But really not. I'm just paranoid. I wish that thing was still with us so I feel more at peace. 

Hammer

I need to do something but I got lazy again. I just did my own version of fun again!  It's kind of waste of time and I kinda regret distracting myself again. But I've done it so many times, I never learn! Anyway, now I have to catch up to get this done. Good luck!

Tear Down

I kinda hate that I got interested in a recent celebrity cheating scandal but the story is just so interesting but then it made me realize how this is way too personal that people should not be informed about this. This is how "justice" for some people is these days I guess. It looks fun if done on a fictional series or movie but when it's real life, you gotta feel a little bit icky about it too. So yeah, I need to really not get so invested with this kind of things really even if it's inescapable sometimes. 

Pushover

I have to be strong and not let the repetitive things affect me that much. I'm a weakling, I just couldn't bear the thought of being the target of ill feelings especially when I know I did nothing wrong in the grand scheme of things. But I always give in, I take the high road because I thought that this would give me peace of mind but I've realized that I've opened myself to further emotional torture. I don't deserve it but I just have to deal with it. I just need to learn to be numb. But I do hope someday, I get a sincere apology for all the hurt you did to me and full realization that you did me wrong. Yes, there's a lot of love but the moments you hurt cut me deep. I didn't act out and just shoved all the pain so I could focus on more important things. But everytime I'm treated unfairly, all these feelings pour in and make me miserable in the end. I'm so tired of it all but I know I really have nowhere to go.  Sometimes I get drunk on a fantasy life, of what could have been. It gives fleeting feelings of joy but ultimately it just makes me sad. That's why I avoid thinking about it but in moments like this when I feel so down and hurt, I am defenseless to my own vulnerability.  Oh Dear Lorn, please enligthen those who need to be, get into the heart and realize all the pain I've been carrying deep inside my heart all these years. I can't speak up, I can't fight back. All i could do is just lay in bed and cry silently so I could wake up with a better feeling. 

Wrapped 2024

 Spotify Wrapped used to be more detailed when it still had a dedicated website but now that it's just app only, it got a little boring but nonetheless, as a chart geek, it's fun to see my music ranking for the year. This year I jumped the BINI bandwagon and got into many Gen Z artists! This is not me trying to be young but I just enjoyed their music and it's appealing to an older millennial like me! My top podcasts are 2/3 audio dramas that Nanay loves to listen and the other three are about my interest in entertainment business, economics and Internet pop culture!

Sink

I'm always walking on eggshells. This is not something new, but I feel awful each time it happens. I have no choice but to be level-headed, I can't join in or else we will all fall. On top of that, I have to deal with increasingly alarming signs that I try to ignore but deep inside I feel so much fear of what could happen next. All I want for Christmas is peace of mind or a semblance of it. 

Carols

 I started playing Christmas songs today to set me in the holiday mood. Yeah, it really didn't. It didn't help that the weather was gloomy and rainy, too. And I'm still a little sick, too. Hopefully, I will feel more of that vibe in the coming days. 

Shine

 

It's a yearly tradition to wait for the ABS-CBN Christmas Station ID. I have to admit this year I'm a bit underwhelmed with the song, not as instantly catchy as before but the meaning is good course. It just doesn't have the same magic but I don't know maybe it's a grower. Family is Love in 2018 I was underwhelmed too but eventually got the hang of it. 

'Tis the Season

 December us here and as usual since things happened in my life I'm not feeling the holiday joy anymore and 'I've long accepted that I will probably never feel the same excitement I had when I was a child. But I always try not to be a grinch to others and myself. I don't want to be in a miserable state so I find ways to feel positive, appreciate what I have, and be grateful that I'm not facing larger-than-life problems. It's a constant battle that even gets harder during this time. 

Snooze

 Feeling a little better but still not in top form that I want to but at least there's improvement which is nice. Hoping to fully recover soon enough because the weather is finally cold which what I've been waiting but I can't appreciate it now because I'm sick. It's such a good weather to just laze around and sleep/nap!

Sneeze

 A bit of a struggle today as I deal with sickness. And there's not comfortable place to rest really. I still deal with stress of all proportions. I hope I get better soon enough so I could function better. 

Before 4

 I don't want to say it's all good, there are still some things I need to worry about but at least it's not the worst scenario brewing in my mind. And all I want is for this to be stable and be away from more hazardous things. I know it will never be like it was before but I just hope for peace of mind and no scary suffering. I always pray hard to God for it and I'm grateful that the worst things in my mind or a repeat of past incidents haven't occurred again. I'm always worried but I take anything I can hold on to. 

Quest

 Quite a busy day and I'm glad because of those doors opening which will keep things stable for quite some time. Now, I still feel envious about that one thing that we were supposed to do but alas things didn't work in our favor!  But what can we do but move on and appreciate those in front of us. 

Unity

 There's some teleserye-level national drama in the country. I don't know what to feel because either choice is a losing one in the grand scheme of things. I also hate that I find all this chaos entertaining somehow because these are still serious things. I don't know where this country is headed!

Will

 I've been struggling to finish one task because it's a little boring like I feel sleepy doing it! But made some progress hopefully tomorrow I can finish it already so I can proceed to do something more in line with my interest. 

Atip

 No one: .....

That person: CREATES DRAMA

It's really frustrating when you are just in a regular mood and then, out of the blue, some people act strangely out of their whims! Sure, intention may be good, but is this worth all the stress you are giving everyone?  Seeking tension as always. I'm so sick of it. 

Gracias!

 Oh thank goodness, some good news finally happened, I was stressing about it already! It's here now!  Thank you Lord! This really helps my mood now because I've been so stress and down!

Sacks

I really want to say something but I can't because it will be misinterpreted and in the end, I will cave in because I just want to avoid stress. But I'm really annoyed with what I perceive as carelessness. Just going in without asking me really. It would have been fine if it had been better planned but things seem to be done in a hasty, impulsive manner and there was a mishandling earlier. I wish I could say what I really feel or something happens to get an epiphany of some sort. 

Unpleasant

 Here I go again with this feeling I can't shake off. Objectively speaking, there's not really awful to feel bad about, it's just that I worry about what could happen and I'm getting scared already. It's just affecting my mood right now. I still feel bad for all the missed shots to the point I'm already going for the "what if" scenarios in my mind which does nothing but my feelings of dread. Still thankful that this is still not that horrible, I need to remind myself that so I could put things in perspective. Heavens, I'm really hoping for good news.