Delta

So the cases of Delta variant of COVID19 infections are rising all over the world. Alarming and exhausting. I do hope the countries with strong vaccination rates (of reputable brands) will see lower cases of  hospitalizations and more importantly death just to show how vaccination is important and the key to ending this nightmare. I'm still unscheduled for vaccination while I'm seeing a lot of people I know ,including my brother, got their second shot. I feel envious but I'm willing to wait of course and hopefully when the times I will get a vaccine brand I prefer where I feel safer. For now, all we could is not let guard down and continue to be cautious. But I admit I'm tired of this already but I've accepted the end is so far. 

Sneaky Introspection

 So I wanted something light, basic and familiar to watch to drown these sad feelings I've been feeling lately and I watched the 1996 romcom The Mirror Has Two Faces. The movie just came into my radar lately because of a day I went through Oscar trivia about Original Song nominees (this is the movie where FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE came from). Anyway, it's a New York based romcom and I'm sucker for this. It was also nice to see younger Barbra Streisand and Jeff Bridges do romcom. The movie had the centerpiece of being in a relationship (getting married) because of a personal connection beneath the sexual passion and how sex ruins romantic relationships. It's quite ridiculous on paper but how it actually played out to the story made some quite sense in a way and touches on inner insecurities and longing people do. Of course, it did end up the way you would expect a romcom would do and of course this is what I wanted when I wanted this movie. It made me feel good! Although there was scene with Barbra's character talking to her mother played by Lauren Bacall where the mother said about in hindsight at her age she felt bad when she realized she settled and maybe she could have done something more. She thought she had more time but now she's old and yet inside her she doesn't feel it. Oh yeah that was a gut punch. Funny how I wanted a distraction yet I still ended up making me think about stuff bothering my life lately!

Stare

 During a time like this where I have so much internal struggles, I often stare at nothing and daydream. I don't know if this is healthy or not but it is soothing sometimes to dream if my life went another way. Perhaps I'm romanticizing the what ifs of my life because I'm just at a low point. I don't share to anyone what I truly feel, I have a wall where I don't let anyone take a peek. Based on past experiences and observations in general, when you open a part of your life it really does not lead to anything that makes one feel better, It just reopens wounds. Or worst people just don't get where you are coming and in the end tables are turned against you. So why bother right now? To be honest, if only I could afford one I may have consulted a therapist to help me process my life. Back in college, I loved talking to the guidance counselor just to open up and unload. I wish I had that one now in my adult life. But everything has a cost and that's why I don't have anyway. It's the source of my struggles in fact. All I can do right now deal it with myself and hope for the best. Crying helps too even if I do it quietly and late at night where no one can notice which is what I am right now. I console myself by thinking have it worst. I need to take everything into perspective so I won't stir drama or mess up even more. Of course this blog helps too. This is my emotional band-aid. 

2 Weeks

So I was approached about this concern I have and at least I didn't have to make the first move again. Just as I suspected, it got lost and was forgotten but it will be given to me. I just have to wait yet again. Here we go again but at least there's progress now but I still continue to struggle. Such a difficult time and I can't unleash what I'm truly feeling as I'm afraid to get more problems or find things to get more stressed about. I'm having a hard time. That's pretty much it. 

Another One

And once again what I was hoping to get today didn't happen. I'm so tired. In typical fashion, I'm having apprehensions on what I should do next. How can I fight for myself? My emotions are high so I don't want it to overwhelm because I need to be as calm as possible. But what if because of this mindset I have to be careful with what I say, careful to not rock the boat, is what it is really hurting me all my life. The reason why I often lose in life. Turning 34 in 2 months, a full pledged adult yet I feel like I'm not one. I'm so sad right now. 

Crossed Fingers

 Tomorrow let's see if I will finally get what I deserve or will it be conveniently forgotten again. I hope if the latter happens yet again I will be courageous enough to be assertive. I've been struggling the past 2 weeks but maybe this is what I needed to feel to push myself and fight for what is due to me because I badly need. Please let me brave tomorrow in case the worst happens yet again. But it will be better if I just get it with no more stress and hassle. 

No Please

 So a recent survey came out for next year's elections and yeah not liking it. But I guess it's a consolation that the lead is not so wide so anything can happen in less than a year. Oh please something better good happen. I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of everything and I want to look forward to something better, someone new, someone I can find hope for. I'm so worried.

#PEx22

 I was not there when PEx started, I was just 12 and had no Internet access! But I learned about it because they had a radio show Speak Easy hosted by  Mister Dean. Joined in 2004, became a moderator in 2010. PEx will always be a home to me no matter what. I made a lot of real life friends here from this platform. Happy 22 years and MORE years to come!

Hanging and Floating.

Struggling lately with expenses. I'm not in debt or anything but so many responsibilities that I haven't been able to add money on my savings account for the past 2 months and it's really making me sad. But I'm surviving day by day.. I'm just afraid I'm not investing enough for my future though. So please Lord keep me and my family safe especially health concerns. 

That's why I need to keep my mind preoccupied as much as possible so I won't be alone with thoughts. I don't want to ponder so much anymore. I need to stop whining. 

Rotura

 I was planning to do something productive today but changed my mind! After running errands in the morning, I did nothing useful but listen to Spotify and fall into the YouTube rabbit hole. However, my idle time was partly connected to my work in a way I was adding songs on the TeleNovela Channel Spotify playlist and watched "entradas" of various telenovelas for nostalgia purposes and also checking out the others. I don't know why I subjected myself to this today but it was kind of fun. I've been doing this job which mostly exposed me to Mexican soaps and it's part of my system now! 

Chin Up

 Just finished doing a bunch of work a while ago! There were a lot of circumstances that tested my patience today but I carried with the goal of finishing everything I needed to do! No time to slack! It was good though because being preoccupied like this is quite good for my well-being. I do hope all this hard work will pay off soon enough. I'm so used to underselling myself but what I did this past few days I'm quite proud of and I really hope I get my due. I deserve it.

Pumped

Hectic day at work today because I had to help out with a co-worker's task who is on leave. I think she's preparing for her wedding and she actually invited me but I had to decline attending because well it's in Bulacan so travel will be hard especially in a pandemic. She understood it and I think she invited me out of courtesy which is nice of her. Anyway, back to today's job! I didn't mind helping out but it was quite a challenge managing time as I juggle various tasks! It didn't help me I had technical issues with the other task that I was helping out! But things got resolved before the end of my working day. I just finished some tasks too! I decided to do it tonight at home even if I can do it tomorrow but I have this work adrenaline right now so I continued. Hopefully tomorrow will be a less tight because of doing this advanced work earlier. Despite the little stress I had today, it felt good to be this productive. I have no time in my mind to dwell on my anxieties.  

RIP Nang Carla

 A neighbor who were closed to my siblings when they were teenagers passed away yesterday. She has been struggling with her illnesses for a long time already but she fought on. I still remember her pre-pandemic attending masses weekly in the chapel inside our subdivision. She was a subdivision and church leader so she was quite a prominent figure here in our place. She will be missed. Rest in Peace 'Nang Carla. God bless your soul.

Short End of the Stick

 While I did try to manage my expectations, I still can't help but feel disappointed when I didn't get what I was hoping to receive today. But what else is new? I always lose out. Maybe there are other days but I dunno maybe it won't happen anymore. I should be used to losing out at this point but I never learn and I always get my hopes up that maybe things would be in my favor for once but nope it rarely happens. 

Snippets 14

 So I received a text earlier which hopefully finally lead to the confirmation of something I've been wanting to have for the past 4 months. I should have followed it up more but I'm so apprehensive because  I don't know what the right approach is and I'm just shy sometimes even if I deserve this one. Hopefully, it will finally happen. 

***

Tatay is finally interested in getting vaccinated. Seeing our neighbors his age getting one helped a lot to convince him. We almost did it earlier but the line was so long and there's a lot of people so not yet because we are avoiding crowds. But at least he is decided to get one once the next schedule is up. Nanay I think is getting close to getting one. I don't want to be pesky because I want them to decide on their own because if we insisted, they will just push back.

***

ABS-CBN lost a top talent last week and it really made me sad because it is a testament of how much they have lost. It will be a year since the congress denied their franchise application. It still sucks a year later. I don;t know when they will ever get it back. I wish they do soon enough

Source

 Excellent investigative journalism former VOX reporter Johnny Harris! He has his own YouTube channel and it's so good and top content. In this video,  he is digging deep into the theories where COVID19 came from but without going the "conspiracy" route. And the comments are generally sensible and respectful. A YouTube rarity! 

Waiting Game...

I checked Makati's vaccination site to check my status and I'm not yet scheduled. It's only been a week since I registered but I'm definitely envious of those people I know who already have at least one dose. But well  I have no choice but to wait. I really hope when the time comes that I will be scheduled I will receive a vaccine I would prefer but yes I will accept whatever is given to me no doubt. 

Streak

 I've been blogging daily for over a year now. It has become a habit and while sometimes I forced myself to write something, anything, just to keep the streak going this has become helpful to me in a lot of ways. It helps me declutter my mind. It helps me to unload my emotion. It definitely keeps me in check as well. Maybe it helps me improve my writing as well? Nah, I'm still a mess. But anyway this blog has existed for 16 years there were a lot of years I've only written at the end of the year but then the pandemic changed that. I hope that I will be able to write less angst in the future but glad to have this outlet and hopefully Google will not junk Blogger anytime soon. This has been a nice time capsule. 

Pieces

 The second half of 2021 has started just like that. Everything still feels slow. Everything is still bleak. I'm not sure if I have adjusted with the current situation or I'm just going through the motions. I am trying my best to not fall completely to hopelessness but it's really hard to do so. I'm just incredibly frustrated from personal matters to the state of my country. I do remind myself constantly that my life is still generally okay. It truly is but I just feel incomplete. There's a missing piece or maybe even pieces. While listening to a podcast doing work, there was a topic about if you could turn back time what would you do? I've asked myself that question. What would have I done differently? 

A Year

 So today marks the first year of my hybrid work from home and office setup. It's been really a challenge, commuting is quite expensive because of carpools, managing to maximize my time in the office and of course the dangers of being out there in the public. In that one year, I've experienced two return to ECQs that added another difficulty in fulfilling tasks but I honestly prepared for those instances thankfully because I don't want to be caught off guard and have my work affected. Anyway, despite the challenges of the past year, I'm very grateful to have a job these days. And hey it will be my 12th year working here. It amazes me that I lasted this long to be honest but I'm grateful to find a home. 

Cracks

A political squabble happened today and it's such a headache. The elections is less than a year away so the knives are out. I'm really terrified of what will happen next year. Could we really go even lower than were we already are? There's was also a recent arrest of a YouTuber for cyber libel. That person immediately spilled the beans that he is a paid troll from a political figure. It's not shocking anymore but to have it confirmed just makes me feel so frustrated. Oh dear Lord please guide this country's voters. Please....

Long Lasting

This pandemic definitely has changed me a lot, as I really have more worries personally and in the grand scheme of things in my country

I will now forever be worrying about my parents' health now more than anything really.

Worried for my nephew and generally the young students here, online school/module learning just isn't it. The quality of education for the middle and lower class is struggling pre-pandemic what more now?

So many businesses closed, struggled, just getting by. I've been back working at the office for nearly a year now and this business district where our office is located is still so eerily quiet.

The pandemic also has been used by our corrupt politicians, they just got more powerful. The elections are next year I'm worried about what the results will be. I don't trust how the general populace thinks here. I mean despite all the mishandling, once they received cash aids they are all so thankful  and forgetful like we owe it to the politicians because they are so kind and not because this is their responsibility. 

The relationship between the government and the general public here is so emotionally abusive.

More than the health hazards really, I'm just more worried and angrier with our current political climate as a result of the pandemic management. That's gonna stick for a long time I'm afraid.

What It Is

It is looking vaccination here in my hometown will take a lot of time so I decided to register in Makati because they vaccinate non-residents who are working there. I was hesitant before because the brand of vaccine they've been administering is not my preference But upon doing research, I made peace with the possibility of getting this vaccine because it still provides some protection... better than nothing. I hate that I had to lower my pride and likely settle for it but I need to thin of the bigger picture. A lot of my officemates got scheduled for vaccination quickly upon registering so that was an encouragement too. I hope I get scheduled next week. Not gonna lie, still hoping and praying I would land on a vaccine brand  I prefer just like my brother who got vaccinated this week, he was expecting that widely available but less desirable brand but surprised he got the most trusted one! May the odds be in my favor too but if not I'll accept

Decency

 Today the 15th president of the Philippines Benigno Simeon "Noy" Aquino III was laid to rest today. I didn't expect to be this emotional while watching it. As I've said before I didn't vote for him and was not really passionate with his term but after what I've witness the past 5 years, I have a new perspective now. All day people close to him or admired him would say the word 'decency'. He truly was a decent man. We can criticize him and his decisions without fear of getting trolled or attacked by 

"And I will never be dominated!"

I've been so busy at work this week that I've been in the office everyday because I need to take care of a lot of important matters including launching THREE new shows in a month! Of the new shows, this one LA CANDIDATA is my favorite because it's such a different premise for a telenovela! It's edgy and intriguing!  Below is the trailer we made and I'm really glad my new video editor is so easy to work with and is passionate with TV shows too so I have no problems with him at all! He is actually not a new editor but he is new to this project and really glad I'm now working with someone that's adaptable and truly understands what is needed for this channel! 

 

Farewell PNoy

 Former president Noynoy Aquino died today. I was shocked. While I admit I didn't vote for him and I did had my fair share of complaints during his administration but in hindsight, he is a competent and most importantly a decent man. I miss having common decency with those people in power. I long for those times especially during the last 5 years. Farewell PNoy, you are missed. 

PreVax

 I'm so excited to get vaccinated! But the demand is high right now and I have no schedule yet but a lot of people surrounding me are getting vaccinated so I really hope to get one soon but I really want to get a brand I like!!! But I'm coming to terms that whatever I'll get, I'll accept as long as I get the protection. But please let an ideal brand land on my shoulder once the time comes!!! I've been reading and watching materials relating to COVID19 vaccines to get myself educated. I trust science of course and never really doubted it despite so much skepticism is being spread around. But researching is helping me better understand this and also if I ever be in the situation where I have to explain this to people who are skepticl or worst fear mongering, I have a fact-based statements to say! This one from VOX which explains why side effects are a good thing is so educational and made me understand our immunity system more.

FOMO

 I'm definitely feeling envious about getting vaccinated now but I really need to time it carefully when the vaccine I'm more comfortable with is widely available. The demand right now is very high but hey I need to be patient and also careful as well. 

Conscious Effort

If the past days are telling me something is that today will be hell and I'm escaping it. Just for a couple of hours today because I will still deal with endless stressful situations later on but I choose not to bury myself with stress all day. I've had it. I need a break for a few hours. 

Exhausted

...... in more ways than I can handle.

I'm training myself to not care that deep anymore even though it's in my nature. Maybe caring a little less will make me happier or at the very least not to sink further in the abyss of frustrations. How much can I even do anymore at this point? Maybe just caring right in the middle will make me feel less troubled. I should give some space for selfishness.... or self care whatever. Maybe apathy is the way to go? I don't know, I'm just sick of the cycle. 

Medium

 So some family members are having conflict right now with each other that I'm the one being the bridgeway for them to communicate.  All the issues are so so shallow but I don't know pride takes over? I know it will eventually die down and they will just talk normally as if nothing happened. It's a common thing here, it's so exhausting but what can I do and be the mature one? I can't afford to be annoyed, I can't afford to blow up, I have to be the one who will give way, I have to be the one to understand. It's so stressful to be the shock absorber but I can't not care at all. It's in my nature. Nothing ever changes.

Connected

 My nephew is turning 13 in a 2 months and yeah I definitely see the teenager now. While I do like that he is becoming more independent with some stuff but I do miss the kid in him. We used to love watching  movies but now he's kinda over it as he is into more playing Roblox with his friends online. It makes sense of course that he is finding where he fits in and in a pandemic this is the way kids socialize now and I like that he finds a group where he is having a good time. I can't help but feel sentimental though because I've been part of his life every step of the way. I'm not sure I'll be a parent of my own but glad I had a taste of being one as I help raised my nephew. Now that his childhood is essentially over, I do hope I can help guide him the best way I can in his teen years too because it's a tricky phase of one's life. May God bless my nephew always. 

Shieldless

So hot topic today is if face shields will be no longer be enforced to be used by the general public. And various people from the admin are giving different answers. What else is new? Personally, I don't mind face shields but I don't want it to be mandatory, let people choose if they want so or not. Face masks are fine of course. But seriously over a year of this crisis and this is the stuff we are talking about. So exhausting. 

No Changes

 It's been almost a year since I went back to the office after a 3-month work from home setup due to the virus. Time flies yet it feels so slow. It's been a year of hearing "unti unti pagbubukas ng ekonomiya"  and  yet there's no real progress. The streets of Ayala are still sad to look at. It's been almost a year of going to the office twice or thrice a week because carpool is expensive so I can't do it everyday. it's been almost a year of surviving and struggling. Almost but still not quite enough.

More Push

 So once again I didn't do something I should have done long ago: speak up about a concern. I just feel so apprehensive and afraid of rejection. I've been through a lot of those in my life that I always condition myself of losing before even finding the result is, lower expectations, lower chances of feeling bad? Not really but I still do to it myself over and over again. Okay maybe tomorrow, I'll finally do it.

Good Push

 Mother's checkup went nice today thankfully. We also got an explanation why the clinic branch near us is temporarily closed due to lack of staff and doctors as some are doing vaccination drives and some doctors (including my nanay's favorite) left. Her diseases are controlled although her sugar level was a little hight compared to three months ago but not on an alarming level yet. The doctor also gave sound advice regarding vaccination and hopefully Nanay will be convinced later on take it.

Tomorrow Too Please

 So a felt better, there's still some pinches of pain from time to time but overall all was good and no excruciating life wrecking tooth ache. Thank God! Tomorrow, I pray for favorable results too. I always get nervous and trying my best to stay positive by not dwelling too much with thoughts like this. But it always lingers,  But please Dear Lord, don't my worries happen tomorrow. 

Sting

My toothache was really a challenge today! I did some errands for the family and it was struggle to function. I drank paracetamol and there was some relief but it wouldn't last that long. I will do ponstan tor advil tomorrow if the pain still persists. I know the best option is to go to a dentist but I can't afford to do so right now. My health card has dental but on select dental clinics only and they're in NCR so accessibility is an issue too and based from an officemate our dental package does not cover all fees especially during this pandemic with added protocol-set added fees to be shouldered by the patient. So I really hope this toothache like the previous ones I had won't last long or gets more complicated. I can't right now. 

ComebACHE

 My tooth ache is back after months of not having it. The sting is punching! What's weird is that this came back a day after I talked to a friend who was waiting inside a dental click to have his tooth extraction. What kind of signal is this? 

Out of Comfort

So the routine medical test for my mother had an unexpected hurdle because her clinic is closed and won't re-open until next year due to some unexplained reasons! We were recommended to another branch nearby which was fine but their lab tests services are currently on hold for unexplained reasons again! I don't know what's happening but I'm guessing it because this clinic chain is reconstructing as their old name was dissolved and now carries the name of the bigger health care organization. But it's  hassle because my mother likes going to this clinic as she feels more comfortable and my mother being comfortable is my #1 priority. Anyway, we will do a lab test on another clinic which she is fine with tomorrow but still have her checkup and read of the lab results at the other branch of the clinic she likes. Anyway, like always I pray to God that her lab results will be not alarming. We do this every 3 months but I can't help myself from worrying but of course I hide it from her because that's the last thing she needs. 

Planet

 So today I paid our cable service at their office because as per their social media they have billing issues that  prevents paying via third party like online wallets like GCash or even Bayad Center. You can only pay through their app or website which based on the comments on their social media pages have issues too! So no choice but to go straight to their office so I can get paper receipt as well just in case! Our cable service was better channel lineup, signal and customer service before when they were just simply an independent company but since they got acquired by a bigger company the service have gone worst. Good thing we never subscribed to their internet service which is expensive but has mediocre connection based on the hundreds  of complaints on their social media page! I thought of cutting this connection too  but the monthly fee is cheap and it never changed since we subscribed to them back in 2007. Our only other pay TV option is Cignal which is appealing but they don't have certain channels we regularly watch (ANCT/Teleradyo/MYX/C1). I'll considering leaving if they force us to move to digital cable because we are still in analog SD cable system. If I'm gonna go digital might as well go for the superior service. For now, like most aspects of my life gonna frustratingly settle for mediocrity. 

Interlaced

 I made some technical errors at a work task which sucks because I had to redo everything that had an error. However, with these mistakes, I do learn more especially a lot of things I wasn't aware of before and that keeps me more alert to not make the same mistake again and I learn more. I need to be more like this and make each mistake into something more on the positive side instead of beating myself up over and over again. I gain nothing from it but additional angst which just keeps me from moving forward. Note to self: More of this, less of that

Faith

 This vlog of Nicole Hyla had me in tears! I can't imagine  going through this kind of ordeal. Same time last year, we had major health issues with Nanay and I was so scared what more a parent of a child going through a life threatening illness! This was heartbreaking to watch also inspiring that fight for your faith because it's really hard these days but when you see stories like this, it gives you hope

Resisting

 I posted this on Facebook exactly a year ago

Maybe I'm just in denial but I can't fully embrace the "new normal". I would just like to think of this period as "temporary normal". I don't want to lose hope, we can still go back to the life we knew before

 I still feel the same a year later. I'm dealing with it because I have to and I have no choice. But I can't accept that this is the "normal", no way it is and should be that we just give up that there's a road to go back to a life without these restrictions, without these fear.. I need to keep hope alive.

Menial

 I watched a TV show today that made me reflect about my life. I love and hate it at the same time. I love because a good show like that stimulate one's mind but hate because it ends up making me evaluate my life's choices again. It sucks because it just reminds me what I don't and can't have. It's an ongoing cycle too that just have pauses because hey pandemic and frustrating government! I really should have been doing more productive things in my life than watch TV.  I wanted an escape but reality won't really let me do it. I hate feeling this way over and over again. No real growth and I just continue to beat my self up everyday. 

Step Back

I'm in a dilemma right now on how to speak up over a concern. I know I have a point but I feel so apprehensive saying it because I just think it won't work out in the end or I don't know if I have the right words to say. to send my message across. Also I'm shy. Or scared?  I'm 33 and I can't really be assertive sometimes. That's why I never get ahead in life because my fears control my decisions in life. The fear of making things more complicated than it should be. Afraid to rock the boat. I always do. 

Then and Now

 Just finished attending the virtual premiere of the digitally restored and remastered SOLTERA staring Maricel Soriano. This year I've been lucky because I've attended a lot of digital premieres  this year thanks to the generosity of the ABS-CBN Film Restoration head Mr. Leo Katigbak! I knew Sir Leo when he was still the head of Studio 23 and he would post on the channel thread at Pinoyexchange! I was able to interview him too for my thesis and I feel flattered that he still remembers me! Anyway, we are Facebook friends so after I've watched three digital premieres this year (Radio Romance, Tinimbang ang Langit and Soltero) , he have been inviting me to their digital premieres this year. And I've watched the digital premieres of Separada, Hey Babe, Paano Kita Iiibigin, Prinsesa at ang Pulubi and now Soltera. It's been my theatrical experience this year and great trip back memory lane. This movie SEPARADA I've actually watched in a theater when I was a kid back in 1999! My mother wanted to watch it so she tagged me along so I really didn't have a choice haha! Anyway, it's such an experience to watch a movie again now that I'm older and have more experience and insights so to speak! Anyway, the Sagip Pelikula Film Festival continues on KTX.ph and for this week here are the featured films! 

Cooler

 So it rained hard today and thankfully on my commute to the office and back home it wasn't  because that would have been stressful! Earlier tonight though the rain and winds were strong and there was another power outage! I actually fell asleep and just woke up a few minutes ago because power's back. And now I can't sleep so I opened my laptop and here I am! The rains have subsided though and I hope there won't be  hard rains again tomorrow. But at least the weather is cooler now after weeks of torturous heat! I was planning to do some work tonight but hey the brownout prevented me so there's that. 

Power

So today we had power outage for over 2 hours in the afternoon this is because of the rotational brownout that's happening right now because of the energy crisis! Oh my goodness, another one to make our lives harder than it already is. The heat is unbearable and without electricity it's becoming more intolerable! Of course, the disruption with  people working from home and studying from home. And you know what the Energy department secretary was doing yesterday instead of addressing this issue - a political party meeting in preparation for next year's elections. I am so frustrated. When will this end? Will it ever end? 

Nice!

 Received my digital certificate a few minutes ago! I feel like my grade year old excited for school medals  haha! It's a nice to feel that again though - be enthusiastic about something again. I hope this will lead to somewhere. It depends on me I know.

Transition

Today made me clearly see how my nephew is entering his angsty teenage years now after how I see him react after he got reprimanded by his mother. I found it cute at first but then I realized I should take it more seriously since he is confiding his frustrations to me. I should definitely listen to him and guide him as good as possible. This is  very important period in his life as he gets to know himself. I should be glad he chose to open his heart to me, that's a good thing! Anyway, by the end of the day whatever tampo he had with my sister largely disappeared as my sister's foul mood subsided already but I will definitely be on the lookout with my nephew. Time flies, the little kid who loves to watch cartoons on TV and play with his blocks is no longer there a Roblox-loving preteen is here now and about to enter the precious teen years which will have an unusual beginning with no face-to-face classes yet. May God bless my nephew always and keep him on the right track. 

Smile

 "Congratulations, Jec, for finishing the course! I went through your remaining exercises. I enjoyed seeing the development of your plot outline on the travails of multi-level marketing. I personally liked the unsuccessful but happy ending."

"I hope that you enjoyed the course and that it gave you the needed respite from the daily grind of work during this pandemic. Cheers!"

Messages I received a while ago from the workshop admin. She was just probably patronizing or massaging my ego so I'll enroll in another  class soon enough but maybe I stop with the cynicism and I appreciate the kinds words I've read. It did gave me a smile.

Push

Done doing the writing exercises for the online writing workshop I joined before the grace period ends tonight at 11:59PM. I'm eligible for a digital certificate! Yay! Although to be honest I'm not really after it but I'm for the experience and glad I pursued this one because I love the learning experience I had here. The Google Classroom setup was perfect, the teacher explained the course so coherently and I feel like it was done in person. The online video conference Q&A was also insightful. The exercises while quite lengthy actually helped to collect my thoughts and ideas in a gradual process. I'm planning to sign up for another basic writing workshop which is scheduled in September so I still have time to save up for the fee!

Once again thanks to my friend JP who gave a contribution so I can pursue this workshop after reading it here on my blog! While I'm a little embarrassed that he had to read my rants here, I'm so grateful for the kindness. What he did really gave me the push to do something that my heart wants. 

MBTC

 Nanay was moody yesterday so I was worried that her birthday will be spoiled thankfully it wasn't the case! Although early in the morning she was still testy like she was saying that we should not post on Facebook that it's her birthday (my older brother who's not living with us already did but I didn't tell her) but later on her mood suddenly got better. I spent the morning buying her handa while she and tatay wait on our vehicle. We bought dishes from Fish to Go, Chooks to Go, Chowking, a panciteria and the local bakery for puto. My brother in law bought the cake. All in all, it was a good day. As always, my birthday wish for my mother is good health.. I can tolerate her mood swings even if it's quite hard at times as long as she is healthy. Oh Dear Lord please guide and protect my parents at all times. 

SPAM

 So I received a text message earlier from an unknown number and the content basically connecting the availability of vaccines to next year's elections. Oh my goodness, they really have a team set up for this, eh? I'm afraid of what will happen next year. I'm scared that my worst fears will happen yet again. I'm praying for a sign of hope. Please, this can't last longer than it should have right?

Hectic

 I worked at the office today which was unplanned but I decided to take care of task earlier on because I won't go to the office on Thursday because it's Nanay's birthday so will give her a treat. I did a lot of things today and time wasn't even enough so I took home some work and will also go to the office again tomorrow to finish more stuff. But no complaints, glad to have work and love to be in the office really. As always, I just feel more productive there! I had so many things to do and yet I didn't feel that stressed. Maybe because it's a taste of normalcy. Oh how I miss the old life.

With Reservations

 So a loved one is trying a new business venture and to be honest I'm not confident with it but I don't want to give out negative energy so I didn't speak up about it. It's still starting though and I could be wrong so I don't want to discourage her as she's so enthusiastic about it. And who am I to speak against it considering I would never dare take a big risk in my life? But I worry as always that this will not yield favorable results but I really hope and pray I am wrong, oh God please let me be wrong. 

Worth It

One tip about concentration I got yesterday actually worked and my progressed with the writing activities improved so much today. I've been quite productive doing the writing exercises today. I do really need heart pumping music when I write! It helps set the mood when I type! I'm really liking the writing exercises because it's so step by step and the written explanation is great too! It really is helping me organized my thoughts. I can happily say the money I paid for this is worth it! Anyway, halfway done with the exercises and my target is to finish everything by Thursday a day before the deadline. Wish me luck

Notes

 Just finished the Q&A session with the workshop facilitator and it was done via Google Meet. It's actually my first time to do an online group video conference although I turned my video and audio off because I'm comfortable just listening and just posting my thoughts/queries on the chat box. I posted a question about tips on improving concentration when writing because God knows I need one and learned some insightful tips. I jot down notes via notepad because when I was a student this helped me process information. I'm gonna post the notes I took as it is as reminder to myself:

Ideas can not be copyrighted

Tangible things only can be copyrighted

Authenticity over originality

same premise but not necessarily same beats/ending

Motive will give to potential

Action give you trajectory

Look 4 elements work in the logline, must exciting

if it doesn't push you to write, then rewrite the logline

nuances make the difference

if you are concrete, you avoid being a clone

not being about the best, but be good with the writing

if you are not good enough, start by drawing inspiration

allow influences to guide your writing

Pace

 I've been slow in handling the writing exercises on the online workshop I'm in right now. It is self-paced though so there's no really time pressure but there is reward if you finished early like if I finished all the writing exercises by tonight I would have an-eBook about Creative Writing from the workshop lecturer who is a Palanca winning writer! But I'm not even halfway yet! I did attempt to cram but I took a step back because this isn't the right way to handle this and it's a bad habit I want to free myself from. This is not the end result I want when I signed up for this. The online lectures and writing exercises are great. Forget the rewards and focus on your creative progress - that's what I've been telling myself. Tomorrow, there's an online Q&A session and looking forward to it. I sent in a question about tips about concentrating when writing. I hope to get a good insight because I badly need it. 

Racing

 Quite a hectic day  as I finished a couple of work tasks and I really feel more productive at the office. The energy is just different when I'm there. Currently, I work from home Mondays to Wednesday and at the office Thursdays and Friday. It's working out for me but I wish I could be in the office more but of course safety first and also financial reasons as well. I still feel so sad about my financial situation but I felt happy earlier because after 2 months I was finally able to deposit in my savings account again. Of course, not gonna lie whenever I see my passbook  I wish there were more but hey I worked hard for it and maybe in time I'll feel very satisfied whenever I look at my bank account but for now I'm just glad I'm getting by.

Apprehensions

 Vaccination drive started already here in our barangay and ours is AstraZeneca but sadly both my senior citizen parents are no comfortable getting vaccinated due to side effects fear. I tried to convince them that it is safe and recommended for their age and not a health risk at all but I could see their apprehension and didn't want to push them into doing something they are so anxious about that could raise their blood pressure. Hopefully in time when they see more people they know vaccinated with no side effects they'll be more comfortable to do so.

Lanes

The past 3 days have been quite hectic as I balance my fulltime work, my part-time gig and activities catering to areas of interests and family duties. I also admit I have been distracted too that led to me wasting some precious time. The Internet speed at night lately haven't been kind as well! My connection right now is so intermittent and slow it's really frustrating. All day the connection was good then turned to crap tonight. Whenever I face stressful situations like this it also leads me to thinking frustrations beyond what I'm currently facing. It does not help that person in authority had another stunt last night that's really maddening and yet powerless. 

Introduction

 Today there was  thread on the Google Classroom of my writing workshop where we were ask to introduce ourselves and state our goals why we signed for the workshop  and just like back in my student days, I was the first one to raise my hand and posted away. Last I checked the responses was just 6 and I am the oldest at 33! It made me conscious to be honest but hey learning has no age limit! But it does kinda reflect how I am so late in so many things. No point pondering about these useless things anymore but I can't help it.  Carry on, that's all I can do.

Stimulated!

Just finished the first lesson on my writing workshop and I really like how this virtual workshop is set up! At first I got confused how to work around Google Classroom but thankfully I figured it out. I had trouble concentrating at first but I kept rereading the first to get in the groove and I did! And the explanations really are so good, it does feel like something a teacher would say in front of a class. It's so professionally done and really worth the money! I finished the first two short prep exercises and I honestly feel thrilled to a student again!. I still have a lot of things to do for this but glad my first day on this was good. The setup of doing it at your own pace is so convenient to me and the Google Classroom is a great platform for virtual learning!

First line

 My Storywriting Basics: Story Design online workshop started today with the lectures and writing exercises now uploaded on Google Classroom. The administrator also contacted to schedule a 30-minute live session and my preference of just phone call and not video call was accommodated too. What I read so far is very detailed and educational but I have to admit I have trouble concentrating but hey I remind myself I paid for this (plus a friend helped out) so I need to persevere to make it all worth it.

Cash Out

 My family finally received that financial aid from the government aka ayuda. We will use it to buy groceries and pay the water bill for this month. My parents are really happy about it, they've been waiting for so long. I have mixed feelings. This is very needed of course in a time like this but I'm not really comfortable with the way people have been reacting based on what I read on the mayor's FB page. Some feel too entitled, some are too judgmental, some are too accusatory, some are totally twisting this to favor a political flavor and most of all I feel a lot of sadness behind this. There's something off even if ultimately this is a good thing. 

Slow

So annoying that the past three days our Internet is so slow. My other family members can do their video streaming and zoom stuff but on my end it takes longer than usual. It's so frustrating but good thing our Internet is just prepaid and on an affordable because if this is postpaid and we get this kind of service while paying a high monthly fee it will be so stressful. I was a postpaid Internet user via Smart Bro canopy and the earlier years but turned crap when they merged it to PLDT Home Bro and I had a stressful time with customer service even until the disconnection request! I really got traumatized since then, I hate dealing with CSR and template replies! 

I really hate having third world Internet!

Manageable

I'm currently being challenged financially yet again. I hate that I feel a little resentful that I'm getting the lion's share of the burden but I need to be the one to understand everyone's situation. I hate that I feel I'm being tricked. Perhaps that thought is something of an excuse I made because I'm so frustrated. I wish my financial situation was better so I won't feel bad for feeling this way. Still, I just think that in the grand scheme of things this is not that big of a problem and I'm just stressing myself out for something that is manageable anyway. I just need to tighten my belt even further and be more patient. Also, I better control myself so it won't show that I feel a little resentful because I know I'm in the wrong here. I don't want to ignite anything that would just add more to my anxiety. Hey, that's why I write it even if I do vaguely because it helps process what I feel and feel a little better. Or as better as one I could hope for. 

Should I?

 There was an incident today that's annoying but also worrying at the same time. I'm not sure if there's a truth with this person was claiming or just a case of being absent-minded. It's been a recurring incident over the years though and I'm worried if there's a bigger implication in the future. It is me again thinking the worst case scenario yet again but I can't help it. Oh dear Lord please don't let my fears happen.

Assist

 I've been helping my nephew with his modules because his computer broke down and is currently getting fixed but it will take a while because there's a major replacement needed and my sister is still looking for an affordable replacement. I've been downloading his modules and uploading them on their school's site. He does the modules on his phone, it's quite amazing how can he do it via MS Word app. I can never do that, I need a keyboard! Just two weeks left for this strange school year which even my nephew says doesn't feel like real school. I hope next school year he can finally return to school safely of course. This module mode is not working out in actually educating today's students. Just not effective. 

A Visit

 My nanay's Mother's Day was special because she had a surprise visit from her older sister after a year of not seeing each other! I definitely felt my mother's happiness to see her sister again. My auntie just decided out of the blue to visit because she and my cousin went to a place that's a littler near our town. They really had a long chat today and I'm very please to see how she's in a good mood afterwards. 

Snippets 13

 It's so hot today! It's almost 12AM as I type this and it's so uncomfortable with this humid! The weather is also one of the reasons I like working at the office with the cold aircon! Anyway, tomorrow is Mother's Day. Second one in quarantine. Nanay just wants pancit and of course we will buy one. But I do miss the times we used to go out even just in the fast food to eat out. I hope next year will be better!

****

My nephew's PC broke down and it's tricky to have it fixed due to the pandemic. Thankfully he can do his school stuff on his phone. Good thing he's so used to do this. I can't do typing stuff on phone! I need a keyboard! His school year ends later this month and he can't wait for it. He said to me he didn't like zoom school especially his Math class where he is not satisfied how it is being taught! I feel for him because math is better understood with a good teacher in person. I hope next school year will be better.

****

Elections a year from now. I'm so nervous but trying to remain hopeful things can change. It must change please.

The Boss

Today our big boss treated us with McDonalds for everyone present in the office to celebrate his birthday. He turns 76 tomorrow but he still has the same energy when I started working year nearly 12 years ago. God bless him more because he is the heart of the company. One of the reasons I've stayed here for so long because of my respect to him and his genuine care for his employees. Back in 2012 our company had a major financial crisis where I thought it's gonna be the end but I remember him entering our office and talking to one of out then senior employees and he apologized to her with our delayed salaries and promised he will do all his best to rise from this. I was really touched and a pivotal moment in my working career. Our company is not perfect and still has a lot to work on but I wouldn't stay here for this long if I didn't at home and he is one of the reasons why. 

Thank You!

So yeah today I made the payment for an online writing workshop  which I registered like two weeks ago but I only had the money just today to pay for it. I had to save up money for it but big thanks to a friend who also helped out after he read it here. His nice gesture was actually the driving force for me to push through. Truth be told, I don't receive this act of kindness often so I'm deeply touched. Thank you JP!

Whole Again

 It's been a year since ABS-CBN free TV and radio operations were shutdown. I spent the day reading stories about that fateful  day as past and present employees process their emotions then and now. The report TV Patrol had earlier left me with goosebumps. While they're down they continue to fight.  I'm glad they still exist in various platforms. They are scattered with pieces of what they used to be. Not as wide as they used to be but at least they're not totally out of the picture. I can't wait for the day when they can be whole again.  A vindication. 

Endure

Checking out the news is so exhausting because of the level of shamelessness and absurdity present. And the vitriol as well, so suffocating. I still can't believe there's millions of people here that is okay with how he handles everything. The excuses to justify bad behavior are insane. The incoherence. The trolling. The delusion. I'm seriously worried that pandemic will continue on until next year and they found to suspend the elections. Please God no. While it's not really an assurance things could change by next year's election given the ridiculous public support this person but still I'm clinging on to hope common decency can still prevail. Please. Let us see the light.

Not There

 Another night where I feel sentimental which ended up me enveloped in sadness. What's the reason? To be honest nothing in particular but more of a collective feeling from my various issues in life. A mix of personal drama and frustrations in society. I feel so incomplete. I have so many regrets. I'm trying to repress my frustrations because I can't do anything about it right now. There is always something in my life that will remind of what I don't have, of what I can't do, on how far I'm behind. It's so hard to catch up. 

Relief

So yesterday's alarming news had a good development and the worst fears didn't come true. What a relief because it was so worrying. It's quite exhausting but no complaints because things turned out fine in the end.  Thank you Lord!

Control

 So there's a cause of concern today and I really hope and pray the worst fears will not come to fruition. I got panicky and lashed out a little which I later on regretted and immediately made up for it. It really is quite hard for me to deal with stress sometimes because my mind automatically goes to the worst case scenario. I wish I would stop because it is really stunting my growth. Especially now as an adult I need to be more calm and patient. Or at least do a better job hiding my fear.

Oh my Dear Lord please protect him for any immediate danger. 

Spot

I was happy to know that barber shops and salons are now allowed to open because I badly need a hair shave. I'm balding and it's at the worst spot possible. I look so much older with my weight and hair. I'm not a cap guy that much too so I exposed my bad spots publicly! I don't care if I don't think about it or no one points it out. But of course not gonna lie it's a source of insecurity, I wish I had early onset of grey hairs instead of balding. But of course I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. But I can be shallow from time to time. 

Handle

 So this Medyo ECQ 2021 edition, I work from home from Mondays to Wednesdays and at the office Thursdays and Fridays where I handle tasks that are better done at the office where it saves times and I'm more efficient. During my office time, I also prepare materials I will need for my WFH sessions for next week which admittedly I sometimes do some advanced task a littler early during weekends to eased my load. I do really love working in the office, my attention is there and I don't get easily distracted by the real world. Today I was so happy to finish a specific task because it provides security for a major work responsibility. Then I got home and watched the news. Upsetting. I feel so frustrated and question life. Why do these bad guys always find a way to turn things around to their favor. And so many gullible people too hence they can do whatever they want and suffer no consequences at all.

Life today is just on another level of insanity. Working in the office keeps me sane. At this point it's now my escape. 

44th

 Today is my parent's  44th wedding anniversary and we treated them with a simple handa of  roasted chicken, pancit bihon and cake. I hope they had a good day. My world right now basically revolves looking after their concerns and while I admit there are times I feel frustrated because of some limitations in life but at the end of the day, I have no regrets this is the path I chose. I won't deny that there will always be time I will feel sad and frustrated but deep inside I know I'm doing the right thing. I love my parents so much and I always pray to God to keep them healthy always. In this pandemic, I've been protective of them the most and dear Lord please my protect my parents, my entire family always. 

A Taste

 Today is the 2nd wedding anniversary of my brother. They got married in Bohol were my sister in law lives. All of the family except me went to the wedding because I decided to stay due to work and also I'm worried of no one is left in the house for 3 days. It was my first time ever to be totally alone at the house for such long period of time (well not counting our dog who was still alive then). At 31, I felt some kind of independence and it was kind of exciting! I cleaned the house, did laundry too! But I didn't cook but just ate boiled eggs I placed in the rice cooker and also bought takeout food. It was funny how my parents were worried at first like I'm a teenager! Two years later, I did miss being totally alone with just my thought for a longer period of time but with the current pandemic where a lot of us feel isolated, yeah I appreciate not being alone. 

A Bad Milestone

 The country has reached the inevitable 1 million COVID19 cases. Saddening. Maddening. Frustrating. 

Over a year later and we are nowhere near the end.

Snippets 12

* I find it endearing that my father is worried about our neighbor who owns a bakery because there's a new bakery in the subdivision. He observed how there are fewer people buying pandesal lately. He feels that that he could lose a lot of business and may end up letting go of some our neighbor's employees. My Tatay is such a good and caring friend. He does not need to worry about this stuff but he does.

* Tomorrow is the Oscars and first time after a decade that I won't be a doing a Oscar Pool at Pinoyexchange. I decided to end it last year due to declining interest. I miss doing it but it was past its prime. 

* I prepared some work from home stuff last Friday that I will do tomorrow but I decided to some of it this weekend and felt good really to accomplish some stuff early on. 

* April is about to end and it will be a year since our baranggay had its first COVID case. It still felt like yesterday. The panic that ensued after that. Nowadays even if we're still in this neverending quarantine, things are less restrictive but still sad.

Groceries

 It's been over a year that I took over handling the grocery for our household and I learned so much really over the past year. I've been my mother's companion to the grocery since I was a kid and I honestly liked doing grocery, it's fun! But now that I've been the major contributor of the grocery budget, it gave me  whole new perspective. I've been really cautious now with prices and such, I've been familiar with basic expenditures costs and also how to maximize a good "sale' deal on the grocery. I'm not expert because at least I'm not clueless impulse buyer anymore. I've been really cautious. I should have learned this long ago, I've been too reliant and I lacked some practical skills now. One thing this extraordinary year deal taught me is to step up more and not be complacent anymore. 

Loss

 I was about to finish a task earlier at the office when Kuya Bernie approached me to help him write the message he will post on the special dedication board the office is setting up in memory of Kuya Pat, our dearly departed co-worker who passed away a few weeks ago. The message is humorous with him telling Kuya Pat that if he misses him he's free to visit him anytime. But you know what I could definitely feel Kuya Bernie's sadness and his eyes were misty despite making jokes. He then shared that he does not even look at Kuya Pat's photo posted in the office door because it makes him feel sad and I told him I feel the same, he then replied "Di ba lang no" and you could see in his eyes that this feeling of sadness is something he is keeping inside and when I said I felt the same way he sort had a feeling of validation. They were really close friends. They're both in their mid40s and shared a lot of interests. I still can't believe Kuya Pat's gone. Life is so fragile. 

A Nice Gesture

So this new carpool I'm in now the regulars passengers are already so close to each other. I think most of them live in one subdivision but I'm not sure because I don't engage in small talk too unless someone initiates to talk to me. I'm quite an introvert that way. Today someone treated the driver and passengers with milk tea and donut and the person included me even if I've only ridden this carpool just three times in two weeks. I didn't even have time to beg off because they were quick and I said a big thank you. I thin that maybe that was intended to another regular passenger who didn't come in on the ride home but still the fact that this person offered it to me is touching. Any act of kindness is appreciated especially in this world we live in right now.

Playbook

 I read the Vox The Pandemic Playbook series which is a series of comprehensive reporting of how 6 countries handled the COVID19 pandemic. Two stories are now featuring South Korea and Germany. Four more articles will come about UK, US, Senegal and Vietnam. It's such an engrossing read and learned a lot on how South Korea and Germany handled this pandemic, their mistakes and also the right things they have done. The articles also highlighted the human conflict involved and as with the case of Germany on how after successfully containing it early in the pandemic, politics and public exhaustion led to a surge bigger than the first wave. South Korea's story is a fairly successful one as they learned from previous virus surge however there were questions raised on how their intense contract tracing system are violating privacies. Looking forward to read the rest of the series. Great journalistic work! Reading it is also break too from the frustrating situation this country is in right now. 

Community

 Today's hot issue is the red tagging of the community pantry in QC that started it all. Another day, another head ache inducing national concern. Although to be honest when this community pantry eventually jump started a nationwide movement I knew it was too good to be true. I knew that eventually some people will abuse it, twist its motive and use the movement for political maneuvering. It sucks all these negative thoughts I have actually happened. That's how predictable everything is right now. So depressing.

On the good side awhile ago I received a social media private message from a schoolmate  asking for donations as he will also spearhead a community pantry here in our area. I donated via GCash because I trust this person even if we don't really know each on a personal level but he has a track record of good leadership and social responsibility. In this small way I can show my support and also keep me from being totally jaded.  

Keeping it Together

 Yeah today a family member had a mood swing and made out of the blue tantrum that gave me some stressful moments but in the end nothing really bad happened and we just dropped this subject. I guess this is the effect of the pandemic right? Yesterday, it was my nephew who shared to me his frustrations and now this other family member acting out. It really is struggle to keep your sanity on in these trying times. 

Advice

 So today my nephew opened up to me that he's feeling a little bad because he got reprimanded by my sister due to the time he spends with the computer and when he defended himself, he got even more trouble because  my sister said that his tone was not good and he was talking back to her. I told him that it's normal for mothers to be that way and I told him that's how Nanay is to us too. I also said to him that sometimes we get to be the shock absorbers too for other stuff our parents are stressed about. But I did let him speak up what his heart feels and I said that it's good that he talks about it and allow himself to be sad and frustrated but after you should also learn how to deal with it and not let it consume your life. I didn't tell my sister anymore what my nephew told me because I knew my nephew told this to me in confidence. It will blew over anyway but this day just made me realize how my nephew is growing up now. He'll turn 13 this August and I'm now witnessing in real time as he is entering the angst-filled teen years. I made a mental note to not be hard on him because he is on those delicate period where he figures himself out and I won't add to the pressure he will be facing transitioning to teen years. 

Errands

 It is exceptionally hot today especially because I went out to do errands (market, grocery, medicines, withdrawing my sister's salary). But I do really like doing errands like this because it feels normal. But of course I know it is not, I've felt uncomfortable earlier with how packed the market is that I hurriedly left the vegetable stall I was in without even checking if what I bought was weighed properly and priced accordingly  because there were too many people! Grocery and pharmacy trip was more relaxing because fewer people but the ATM line was so long! Anyway, compared to last year's very strict lockdown today was a walk in the park. The confirmed cases are over 10K the past few days and I find it alarming that things are not getting any better and the handling messier than ever. I'm tired of ranting about this but I can't help but feel it. I minimized my news exposure especially whatever uncouth words that person has said again public, Nothing has changed. Tired. So tired.

A few kinks

I had a new carpool ride starting yesterday because my old carpool is on hiatus due to few passengers because of the quarantine. Good thing I still found a new carpool shuttle though my drop off point is not exactly as near to where I live compared to my previous carpool but still better and most importantly safer way to commute in this scary pandemic times. Yesterday's start wasn't smooth one as there was a miscommunication regarding pickup time. He was so apologetic when he arrived that whatever annoyance I had evaporated and I assured him that everything's fine. We live in such stressful times, let's pick our battles. We all just starting to survive in this tough world we are in right now. Anyway, today's ride was smoother because miscommunication like what happened yesterday helps work out the issues and improve. If I choose to be hot headed, it would just cause unnecessary stress from the both of us. 

Lead

 So today my video editor for 2 years handed his resignation letter as he will soon leave the country to migrate to Canada to be with his mother. This editor started here when he was 20 years old and it really showed a couple of times how young and unpolished he is but despite that I have a soft spot for the kid because he is genuinely nice and quite talented too, just unfocused haha. I hope I made some good impact being his direct head for the past 2 years. I sometimes think I'm too nice but I just don't want to be the person who puts unnecessary pressure. Although, I did realized I can't be too lenient as well for the benefit of the staff as well. Last week, I received some kinds from a college friend, a co-staff at the college student publication where I became EIC in my senior year and he said that I was the best editor he had. It really meant a lot of me because I felt like my EIC stint was a big disappointment but hearing that I least somewhat made a good impact to someone warms my soul. 

Upended

 Going back to the office tomorrow to do task I can only do there. Looking forward to it because to be honest, I just feel more comfortable working at the office. Of course, the virus scare still looms so praying hard I will be safe from it. How long will this uncomfortable situation last? I will never get used to living this way really even if it's been over a year. It's quite depressing to see so many "condolences" on Facebook while so much frustration and anger on Twitter. Then I went out earlier to buy some stuff for the house and the emptiness of the stress gave me a gut punch. 

Survive

 Just finished work at this ungodly hour! This is really what I don't like working from home because it extends my working time but what is important is that I get the job done. We are now back to Medyo ECQ so restrictions are a little loose especially curfew which has been a hurdle for my carpool shuttle! It's now back to 10PM here in Cavite and 8PM in Metro Manila, more reasonable time but I still think curfews and checkpoints are not really needed and they have became avenues for power tripping but oh well what can I do right? Nothing but do my best to deal with each's day struggle

Morale Boost

 Today I received a very touching gesture from a friend. It was so unexpected especially in a time like this where many people are struggling. I've been feeling so down lately that this unexpected surprise gave me a morale boost. Thank you and I will make sure this act of kindness will not go to waste. 

Tipping the Balance.

 So yeah that fleeting feeling I had yesterday of signing up to that online writing workshop faded away. I just returned to reality that I just can't afford it. My practical side always win. Not gonna lie it makes me sad that I can't do it due to financial constraints but hey I needed the money to help out house expenses and maintenance medicines for my parents too. The money I would have paid for that seminar could already buy many of my mother's prescriptions. Our car will need oil change soon as well so i contribute on that. Then of course bills after bills. Not gonna lie I do dream of living an independent life you know where all I think about is just me. But I don't regret looking out for my parents' welfare and really I could have done more if I made better career choices, money wise.  I really won't stop feeling inadequate so pursuing something of personal interest at the expense of general family needs is something I just can't do. It hurts when I think about it so I just avoid so I won't drown.