KN

 So I was busy today and I wanted to be productive again at night but this entertainment news caught my attention! Because the impact is massive! It's a pop culture moment! Honestly, I do need something inconsequential as distraction to real life struggles!

Wrapped 2023!

 My Spotify Wrapped 2023! I'm an Olivia Rodrigo stan, Gen Z whew hahaha

Top Artists

1. Olivia Rodrigo

2. Taylor Swift

3. SZA

4. Lauv

5. Westlife

Top 10 songs

1. bad idea right - Olivia Rodrigo

2. vampire - Olivia Rodrigo

3. Steal the Show - Lauv

4. Kill Bill - SZA

5. love is embarrassing - Olivia Rodrigo

6. Raining in Manila - Lola Amour

7. New Cool - The Cast of Grease: Rise of the Pink Ladies

8. Don't Let the Light Go Out - Panic at the Disco

9. Fighting Myself - Linkin Park

10. Forget Me - Lewis Capaldi

Top Podcasts

1. Who Weekly - discovered this year! Podcast about Hollywood Z listers

2. Dear MOR - local audio drama

3. Ang Walang Kwentang Podcast - local pop culture podcast

4. Rotten Mangoes - true crime stories weekly that I discovered this year, really good storytelling from the host

5. The Hollywood Reporter's TV's Top 5 - whew!

Vision

It's hard to see the struggle and I sometimes I do get lost with it all. I always remind myself how the close calls were to take me back to the reality that despite the situation, this is still better than the worst outcome. I really hope and pray for strength for everyone involved as this is really a tough one

Just

 Today was a holiday in advance! This is not the official day but the no-working thing was held today for long weekend economics whatsoever. I would normally go the office today because I do like the commute during a holiday like this. I chose not to. I decided to give myself a break and do nothing of significance. I need it to clear my head. It won't solve my problems but it gave me room to breathe. 

Mixed

 Some days are okay, some are not. I always have to remind myself to keep the faith because I'm the one who easily breaks internally. That's why I chose to step back a little and keep others ahead because sometimes the pressure is just too much for me to handle, I'm drowning in misery and fear. Oh dear Lord, please hear our prayer

The Sad Truth

 It was just a temporary reprieve and we are in a rough position now. Scary times and we don't know how can address it properly. There are just so many factors involved preventing us from doing some things. And honestly, there's just distrust that it could further escalate rather than help. It's so hard

Hanging on

 It is getting hard lately but I need to be strong, I need to be brave. But I really hope to see some light soon, a hope to cling on to.

Fan

 The office aircon broke today so yeah it was quite uncomfortable! There are other rooms that have aircon so they just opened the door but still it wasn't enough. I hope it gets fixed soon, I seriously can't work properly if it's humid

Tired

 I'm quite tired and scared and worried. But I need to march on and do everything I can to keep everything together because I can't manage not to do so. Oh Dear Lord, please guide and help me

Cling

 The fear is setting in again. I am afraid to leave because of the very bad images I have in my head

Not Over

It's still far from over and there are still so many things to worry about but I always remind myself that we were once again so close so I have to be stronger and be grateful my prayers were heard. I still live in fear each day but I need to muster the strength to fight back

Miracle

 Thank you Lord for once again giving us a chance. And we will do our best not to waste this opportunity. I was so scared but thankfully so many people prayed because I was losing faith and hope. Thank you so much!

Cowardice

The thoughts on my head are insane. A disgrace. But this is really how I'm dealing with this problem I am facing right now. Call it defense mechanism, call it giving up, call it pathetic. I want to cling on to hope but it's tough for a serial pessimist like me that's why I want to step back so I won't affect anyone with my negative thoughts. 

Signs

Denial. Resignation. Pain. Devastation. Regrets. Desperation. FEAR. I want to feel numb, I'm acting like I am, But I'm not devoid of emotion. I'm overwhelmed with conflicting emotions at the moment. I dread what is ahead. Very scared. 

No, no

 I fell into the nostalgia rabbit hole moments ago and it was bad. I had a feeling of emptiness after it. Because that particular nostalgia was leading to an end and it was not good. I hate this feeling. Please don't let this feeling of dread go to some place bad

Pienso

 Glad to have some good news on the horizon but other things in my life are on shaky ground. I continue to be scared but I must keep on fighting even if thinking about all the things in my life right now is driving me insane. 

Fuse

There are a lot of things in my life that's stressing me out from little stuff like office internet speed so low to my phone's battery acting up to more major life concerns  that's bugging me so much right now.  Everything is not working the way I want it to be. The way I hope it would be. I'm so frustrated and maybe even depressed now at this point? So much anxiety is making my life so difficult to deal with

Weak

 Seeing the weakness and vulnerability breaks my heart. I almost want to give up but no I can't, I shouldn't, I don't want to. But it's really hard to see this in real-time. Oh Lord, please give us a miracle

Jitters

 It is starting again.  Something is different. I have an idea what it is but I'm scared to confirm it. I'm in a daze. So scared. Please Deard Lord, don't let it happen again. 

Sullen

 I wish there was something I could be excited about again. Enveloped with fears and worries, I'm struggling. I've been binge-watching a sitcom I have fallen behind when I got really preoccupied. Now I had the time to sneak some time to go for escapism which was effective for quite some time but didn't really last long enough to get me out of this modd I'm in. I hope there's something that can cheer me up soon. 

The Theme

 For the first time in a long time, I have nothing. I had something but I gave it up for "the better good" and yet I felt like I was questioned again. There was an acknowledgment of the things I did and an apology for making me feel bad but the damage has been done. My psyche is such a mess now. It was just not a good week for me in so many ways so it didn't help that I was questioned even I did something with good intentions earlier on. My mind is going to such dark places, it's driving me insane. Oh Dear Lord, let there be light please. 

Not again

 Even though you try your best to help out, efficiency will still be questioned because others can't catch up.  No time was wasted, everything pushed through without a hitch so what's the problem here? Why are there questions again? Making you feel like you did something wrong. It's as if you were flaunting luxury or delivering poor quality just to make things pop. But just in case, you are ready to prove your case because the need is there, you need to suck it up

Devastated

 I regret being scared of facing it when I knew it would catch up with me eventually. I just delayed but it never solved anything. I just delayed the pain and remorse. 

I regret wasting resources for those two stupid months because of me thinking it would make me happy but it didn't, it made things worse. I wish I backed down and saved it for better use which I feel is coming soon.

I'm so sorry. I had it coming.

Ponder

 I miss my young adult days when I had fewer real-life problems. Back then I had so much idealism. Now, it's all about survival. It's so tough. But I still cling on to any glimmer of hope. I must.

Deflect

 Scary signs. It's all over again. I'm so frustrated and lashing out to myself for the most part but I sometimes can't hide it fully anymore. I wish I was firm in handling this challenge but I am not. I'm falling apart. 

Sins

Closed out a project today and it was a journey to finish it today so many stressful things going on at the same time. I need to contain myself, I'm going a bit insane but still trying to keep things to myself to avoid further escalating things. Anyway, I liked this project and hopefully there's more to come!

Balance

 I can't deny it, it's happening. The deterioration has started. It will be painful to witness.  I can't accept it but the signs are there. I'm getting defense at the wrong ways. I need to divert my attention or else I'll lose my mind. 

Alone

 It's back to the office today and I'm all alone. Well, it's not surprising because after a 2-day holiday, people just filed leave for Friday. But I'm the type who likes going to work on "odd" days like this, Commute is a breeze and I like the general calmness of everything. There will be other people coming later but good thing I secured the office keys for today so I can enter already because I go in early. I'm quite productive already before it was 8AM. And now I'm in another pensieve mood. Thinking about a lot of my worries while I'm on my lonesome though. Deep in rhought and trying to contain my anxiety. 

7k

I need to power through for that thing I want. I got lazy yet again but there's just no adrenaline rush to push things but I need to make things happen today because I have no choice! Why do always I get myself on this kind of thing? It's such a cycle

Little

I planned to do something but I only started it then drifted off to be far from what I was hoping to accomplish. It's not urgent but I want to be ahead but I really got lazy and just want to do not so serious things. Anyway, tomorrow I hope to finish this one