Manifesting

Another weekend, another attempt to make things work and be organized. I've survived nearly past 2 months or so with this chaos I created but I really need to find that spot now to make it more manageable. I can do this! I will make it happen!

Index

 Insane heat these days. I feel like this hottest weather I've experienced in my lifetime. And I'm feeling a little off because of it. The electricity bill will be expensive but airconditioning is very much needed.

Net

 I'm getting sad with changes coming. How it is still  not the same as it was two years ago. I am still surviving and even received some good news today but as always hoping for more and this is me talking where I barely balance all of these. But I feel more comfortable if there's more assurance as a paranoid person. I always keep in mind to be not neglect the good news that are coming. 

All

 One thing you have to realize in life sometimes you have to do something that doesn't feel right and yet you know in order to survive you need to play the game. Oh well

Flick

My mind is going to paranoid places yet again. I hope this isn't the start of something more dangerous. Oh dear Lord, please hear my prayer. I'm scared right now.

Fly

 Sad to know about an impending exit but it makes sense given that time passes, there would be hungry for more especially if you still have a lot to offer.  And I know this is for the better as well, you can't be selfish and keep them at bay when they could reach more. It's sad that it's not the same place where you are but you can held them beck especially when they have already given their all and it is time to go some place else.

Some

 Better than last weekend but still not good enough because I still got distracted! But anyway, at least one thing that kept me from being productive I was able to control not falling into the rabbit hole! Hut there are still stuff that needs to be improved on so I can maximize everything!

Checked

One done. More to go. I really I hope I won't get distracted! I can't afford to do so! FOCUS PLEASE. I can't commit the same mistakes of the last 2 weeks!

A Rock and a Hard Place

Another weekend of challenge, I failed the last two weekends to maximize everything and give in to shallow time-wasting nonsense. I was reminded of the benefits, so I need to keep it up. I hope to set everything in motion by doing some things ahead (although not really because I had a leeway that could have put me in a more comfortable place but was wasted). May I be victorious this weekend. 

Piercing

 Excruciating heat! It's so uncomfortable and it's actually worrying how health hazardous it is! This isn't good and I hope this torturous heat ends soon enough!

Vastly

 The commute was quite stressful and I had to do some errands as well with this heat but still glad just to have this as a problem. I prefer this to any other stressful stuff. It's only temporary issue but in the end everything's fine. Also glad to check off bills this month. I never thought I would be the one in charge of all these in our household but grateful though

286

 I dealt with a lot today, some because of my own doing and then some unexpected stressful stuff. And the excruciating heat did not help things. But at least the night is winding on a more peaceful note. Thank God,

Feel Good

I got myself buried in seeing the success of certain people and for one it's not because of insecurity or anything but gave me a sense of happiness to see people who worked hard for long finally get what they've dreamed of. I don't know if I ever get to the point too though because I've been quite a mess to be honest but just fixing myself too. But seeng stories like that gives me temporary happiness. 

Cat

There's a stray cat who has become our unofficial pet now.  My parents used to shoo her away but the cat wore them out and they just let her be now. My nephew gave her a name now too. The cat just comes in here when it's mealtime and sleeps at night. 

Fees

 I was reminded why I have to be more responsible because of certain needs. Not complaining though because this is something I could handle and I'm glad to do something I like so I better make this work so it just keeps on coming!

17

 I though I was a little bit free but when someone picks you, trusts you, appreciates what you do, it's hard to say no. I could do it anyway! And I do like doing for genuinely nice people. 

Crossed Out

 Did great today and hoping the momentum continues! I need this kind of pace so everything works out!

Sort

 Worked on a holiday and it felt really quiet but I was busy doing things that some were done and some still left hanging. I still need a lot of time to work things out though. I hope I can get out this pile that I did do myself though!

Rectify

 Thank God for some unexpected things that helped me breathe a little. I was getting stressed already because of a mess that I started anyway. Hopefully, this time I get to do things better. I've been saying so many times already I know but I keep messing up but have the chance to have some to course correct is such a good opportunity,

Dwelling

 I never learn and now I get stressed because of my own wrong doing. I'm such a knucklehead, I really hope I won't screw up something in the coming week! So frustrated with myself for digging holes that I always fall into

Flat

 I am always worried when something looks fine because something bad might come next. I do know life is unpredictable but I really just want to be it boringly stable now. I really hope so.

Teetering

 Definitely regret not organizing things better because I'm all stressed out now. I knew about it before but I always made it in the end so I got complacent and lazy.  I'm now trying to fix all my mess because it could lead to more dangerous results. Maybe this time I will finally learn my lesson before it goes to a point of no return. 

Bounded

Thinking about the free time last week where I didn't use it to free myself from tue load and now yet again I have to face a lot of things I needed to finish. Oh boy, good luck!!!

Ajar

 I'm getting scared of a possible threat. Things have been fine lately on that front so please Lord let it be this way for as long as possible. I'm begging you, please. It seems like a small thing for now but I'm afraid of being caught off guard. 

58

I can't help but feel annoyed but somehow I know it's wrong to do so because it's not really their fault I knew it was coming anyway and I had to urge to help but now I kinda regret it because I might be caught in a difficult situation. Not really grave but I'm just paranoid. And their some things that I find annoying maybe because I'm extra tense that it could screw up the thing I worked hard for. But I need to be relaxed though and not be irrational about it. Oh, boy why does that thing have to happen, It sucks so much.

May 31

 I can make it happen. At least try and not wonder anymore. But I do hope to get something.  I will work my best to make it happen. Now is the time. Now or never

3am

 I had a dream about a thing I procrastinated on and I woke up at 3AM and I took it as a sign that I needed to make up for lost time so I did that thing I was supposed to start on earlier but got lazy to do it and instead, I wasted my free time on frivolities. Finished it and ready for the week ahead, I really hope I can be productive again!

Scattered

Lent break is almost over now. It's just not the same anymore but not gonna lie I'm okay with it not as boring as it was before but still do make it a point to pray especially for my family where my life has revolved lately. I do lose it sometimes because of stress. But of course whatever is happening I'm okay, that we were able to survive together. 

Sound

 I feel okay today. Generally fine. Although there's something per usual hanging that I chose to delay doing. Laziness strikes again. Hopefully, tomorrow I get into the groove as the song says!

Break

 As a child, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, and Black Saturday were really borefest.  But this got me into reading actually to not get bored. I read everything I could find sa bahay, old newspapers, magazines, textbooks of my siblings. I read Bata Bata Pano Ka Ginawa because my sister reviewed it for a college class. I even read her Tagalog romance pocketbooks too! There was a year when ABS-CBN showed classic Filipino movies, it was my first to watching Insiang, Himala, Oro Plata Mata among others. Then later on I got hooked on watching the 7th Heaven marathon on Studio 23 which basically got me into US TV shows. Nowadays is just different. 

GB1

Greenbelt 1 is closing for a major renovation (it will be demolished I heard).  So I guess that was a major reason why the NBS branch here closed last year. The last day is on March 31, Easter Sunday. So before I went home today, I dropped by just to see it for the last time in its 'original form'. I've always liked this mall, from my OJT days when it was just walking distance until I started working. I also like watching movies here because of the cheaper ticket price. When this mall reopens years from now, the redesign will probably be good but I will miss the current "old-school" vibe which it will likely lose.

Inquire

 Something from the past made me think again.  I am concerned that their era is ending soon or shifting fully to what is now but I really want to see my presence before it goes away so I have this desire to try to get a spot. I'm thinking of a plan but not sure if I have the guts to do it. Then there goes the insecurity as well so I don't know. But it did lit up a fuse inside of me. I miss that feeling. 

Breads

 I had a mini meltdown when I arrived home because the heat just increased my exhaustion. But I mostly kept it to myself because I didn't want to stir drama. Now, that I've cooled down I'm glad I didn't have a public meltdown or what because mostly everybody here is in a good mood, so why ruin it right?  I feel okay now too. Just tired really. I'll just recharge. 

40 minutes

 The bad thing when you know some stuff is that you get too complacent. Oh boy, this is getting habitual already. I need to find a way to combat those things holding me back from what I need to finish. It's all me though.

Age

So there's this thing online about Gen Z looking older than millennials.  Maybe just a western thing because here in the country, Gen Z in general looks their age and some even younger. But I do see a lot of people in my age (mid to late 30s) that do really look younger. I wish I could say  the same, my baldness made me look older than I should earlier on plus all the stress I've faced in my 30s but all is good though. It's fine, I've long accepted that physical appearance will never be my edge. 

Fifth

 

I have the first four Young Blood compilations then I stopped (maybe because subconsciously I knew back then I would never get published here so I guess I was bitter hahaha!). So years passed and when I decided to get back to reading again, I couldn't find a copy of Young Blood 5 until today at the National Book Store in Glorietta. I just randomly visited NBS today before going home with no plans of buying anything because I haven't finished reading the book I bought recently (Patricia Evangelisa's Some People Need Killing which is a great book but a heavy read) but of course, I can't just pass up not buying this because I thought this could be out of print already like the earlier compilations. This one had a Powerbooks pricetag on it so this was probably stuck in some warehouse for a while. The personal essay compilation is my favorite type of book to read, I just love being immersed in other people's worlds while I relate to and learn from them too.

Inconsistent

My messy handling of this is coming to bite me now. I did bit more than I can chew so here I am. But I also struggled because of my own complacency so now I need to fix it before the thing gets even bigger. I need to get rid of distractions which I use an as excuse to take a break. The distraction did nothing but waste precious time. No more. I need to be more focused before I lose everything I've worked so hard for. There's no room for mistakes again. 

Bits and Pieces

 After going hard yesterday, slowed down a bit today. Hopefully, will be more active so I can get more things done! Still hoping for some more amazing stuff even if my plate is quite full. I just need more, to feel secure and I think I excel better when there's a long list to finish up. 

Is there anyone here?!!

 This thing I'm doing is a bit repetitive and overwhelming but it does draw me in sometimes then there's stuff that makes me question it too. But well, I should not let other thoughts creep in and just be objective. Anyway, I need to finish this so my other thing won't be scrutinized! I already feel that the other thing got screwed up because of some odd behavior although overall it still good in general and deserving but I just don't want things to get messy. 

00:42

I still miss doing my old job as a channel coordinator. Grateful that I'm still very busy with my dubbing-related work but I did the same job for nearly a decade so it's still a strange feeling. Our recent Digital Cable TV upgrade made me miss it more. It was a sense of pride and now it's gone.

Mindles

Some things are just so addictive even if it's not that good for you, you can't help but be drawn on it! Good it's not really that big of a deal but still it's affecting somehow. Maybe if I don't try, I could make it work better.

59

 Failed again. Let's see tomorrow if I could make it work!  I really let myself get distracted oh well! Tomorrow let's make it work!

Notes

 Another challenging weekend ahead, I really hope I can pull this off!  I need to fix some things as well next week so I won't get into trouble. I need to write it down again. So I can be more organized and not be complacement anymore. Wish me luck!

Digital

 We have our cable upgraded to Digital today. Well it was forced because they shut down analog! Oh, well I do love it, especially the HD channels. But I do miss my old cable channel!Oh well!

Catch Up

 Another mixed bag of a day. I need to get my act together, my mind knows that but I can't see to fully do what I intend to do. Why is it so hard to focus?!! I wanted to do something that I used to do that aids my focus but tonight was another reminder why I can do it again but it's for good reason so it's all on me to manage everything better.

MC

 I messed up something. My fault because of my chaotic way of handling things. I knew it would eventually happen because the way I handle those stuff and took in more than I can deal with. But thankfully still on the grander scale of errors but still it serves as a lesson that I need to get my act together.

Back

 I'm back into nostalgia mode and this song takes me back! First heard it on radio on 99.5 RT to be exact and I really liked it. And it's cool to find that this was uploaded on YouTube when it was released in 2007, such a different time on YouTube on those days!

Break

 Another busy work week ahead, may I survive it! That's why I chose to do nothing today to free my mind because next week will be hectic again!

4 Years

I haven't thought of the pandemic in awhile but it will be 4 years since our lives have changed. I'm glad it's been practically back to normal now. I don't wish to experience the same thing ever again but it was definitely a learning experience. The fact I'm doing this is a result of that. I dealt with anxiety through my ramblings here and it has helped a lot 

Markings

 Alright, glad I was able to finish some of the things I need to check off my list. Still have some things I need to finish but nothing immediate but hoping to keep this momentum up because now more than ever that I needed to be productive. 

Lessened

 Some more good news today which really made me happy although my paranoid self peaked to say, is there a catch? But nope, not gonna let that bad energy dampen the good news today. Thank you Lord so much!

21

 It's been quite a struggle to finish something because I'm feeling a little off and also it's kinda a boring thing to do but I NEED to finish it so I could free up sometime to do something else. It's not easy but then something happened that reminded why I need to strive hard. Hopefully, I could be meet my target tomorrow. 

Hoping

 That time again when I really don't want to be complacent and always expecting the worst. But I really hope and pray for favorable results. I'm always scared but I try to avoid thinking negatively by making self busy but those bits of anxiety always creeps in

Maintain

Already a lot of things I need to do this week again, actually the next 2 weeks or so. It's good and hoping for more because we need it! But always grateful for having the current things to do. I always want to be busy and last week I did well and hoping to keep that momentum

3 hours

 I had a good afternoon nap today. I really worked hard this week just to make a lot of my to do list checked off! Glad I was able to accomplish that, cheers to more next week!

Missing

 I can't really focus on something, there will always be a distraction [SIGHS]. It's really hard but I also fault myself for not really learning from previous stuff and continuing to make the same mistakes over and over again. Anyway, back to trying to focus again!

¡muchas gracias!

And TeleNovela Channel has reached its end. When the clock turned 12 AM, I gave a small applause on my desk facing my laptop. I am proud of what we've accomplished here. 

Goodbye TeleNovela Channel Philippines

 Today is the end of Telenovela Channel Philippines. I've transitioned to other job responsibilities within the company now but still I'm gonna miss doing everything for this channel. I'm proud of my work here. 

3 in 3

 Yeah, I need to fulfill this all! But it's hard to fight "not feeling it" but I have to force myself really so I won't screw it up! Whew! But this is a good problem to have of course better than nothing of course

Hang of It

I'm so tired but glad to accomplish some things, still not on  my full goal but it's clicking to me now after struggling in the beginning. I still have some pending stuff to do and hopefully I can pull it off!

Hours

Set some goals and almost accomplished them but still have a way to go! Tomorrow is another tough, let's see if I can pull this off! I need to keep myself busy to keep the other stuff I do on balance! I definitely miss having that safety cushion

34 MINUTES

 Okay, progress! Hopefully, I can finish it all today. The beginning is a struggle then when I get into it, I can do it non-stop then I get interrupted so going back to that kind of mode is quite hard. But this is all me and I need to focus really! Let's do this!

Struggling

I'm always in this constant battle of doing more and getting so overwhelmed that I just can't focus on one thing. I'm so confused at times about what I should do. If I could just sit down and not get any other thing to drive my focus away but it's impossible because I have to do a lot to keep things in order. And then I fight off this exhaustion by distracting myself with trivial things under the guise that I deserve it so I won't too overwhelmed but does it really? I'm in this constant battle now. I don't know how to win,.

00:42

 

FIN. 

After nearly a decade of doing the daily channel grid non-stop,  I've submitted the last one for TeleNovela Channel's final day of broadcast on Feb. 29.  Doing the channel grid is basically arranging the order of the broadcast assets that will air each day. I do it in Excel with a format that was designed by our Uplink facility. It was confusing at first and I made a lot of mistakes in the beginning but eventually got the hang of it and enjoyed doing so. Honestly, I could have finished this last one days ago but I've been quite busy (thank God for the new projects at work!) so I held it off. And well, I guess subconsciously I purposely delayed so it won't feel real yet.

Full Slate

 One of those days that I am swamped but of course this is all good! Trying my best to maximize time and resources and hopefully, I will not mess this up. But it's gonna be hard especially something that I feld I need to do to justify the other thing and also help out. I handle some of it awhile and boy it was hard! But I can do it, I just need to organize my time better. 

Wind

 I'm so close to finishing this thing that I should have done long ago but I got lazy and gave excuses. But I can't afford to be like that again. So many things in queue now, which is good! No room for laziness! 

Breeze

Goodbye, cold weather. I'll be missing those comfortable bed-worthy days. Now it's hot again. Uncomfortable days ahead! Sometimes I'm tempted to do work at home so I can wake up later but nope I won't be able to function well with this weather. I love aircon, I'm not ashamed of it! If only it won't be costly in electricity bills, I would have loved to have an airconditioned room but oh well I do still get aircon for about 4 hours each night then when we turn it off to save electricity! Oh life of the working class!

Pardon

 So wasted a few hours funny YouTube shorts. I faced some minor inconvenience earlier that made me lose some of my marbles but I pulled myself back again and honestly watching something fun, relaxes me because long days ahead again!

Recalibrate

 Same story for me again this weekend. Planned to do something but I didn't! But my life will face some changes soon so I need to work on some things so I can do better. I can't afford to slack off because of the vulnerabilities in life. I regret neglecting one thing before because it's going to be gone soon. Oh well! I'm just a mess these days but not totally messing up to make things catasthropic though!

Look back

My brother and I were talking about how we see people being nostalgic about 2015 era and such because it just feels new to us but then again it isn't that fresh anymore and those in their 20s are now really in their nostalgia phase as well. The passage of time is really fascinating

9

 After nearly a decade of doing the daily channel grid non-stop, I'm now down to the last 9 days (Feb. 21-29).  I'm really gonna miss doing this. Of course, there were times, when I thought it was such a hassle to do it but it has become a part of my life. And to be honest, I got it into podcasts because I listen to it while doing the daily channel grids.  I can finish all the 9 days in a matter of a days but maybe I'll take it slow and savor while it lasts 

19 Years

 I forgot to blog again on the exact this blog started lol but hey it's awesome that I get to keep this blog 19 years later. I'm basically screaming in the void now but I love it. I can be open yet somehow not at the same time. Oh well, a lot of long-running things in life has ended or will about to end but I sure do this digital space I have here will remain. 

Winding Down

 As the days are coming by and it's nearing the end of the channel I devoted practically the last decade of my life, I still can't help but feel sad about a chapter closing.  It sucks it couldn't continue anymore because I really liked doing it. Now, I'm gonna face new challenges at work and while I'm ready and grateful to still to have work despite the ending of my main task, it's still gonna to not do daily channel grids anymore. Not plan what new programs to acquire and planning the year programming flow. Oh well. It is what it is.

Read Again

 Paid all the bills today and I rewarded myself by buying another book    again! The Three Body Problem which I had been looking for since last year. I haven't finished the book I read book last week yet though 😅 But I do feel I deserve to buy something I want though. And it is just recently that I'm trying to back to reading books again so I'm loading up!

240

 So glad to see some good news today after I've been stressing about it. At least some security in the next months ahead. But hoping for more good news this week just to make things more secure. Doors are closing so hopefully other doors will open soon enough. 

Absorb

 So spent the weekend doing nothing that productive aside from my usual family responsibilities but I don't feel guilty this time since there's a good window for me to unload and forget all the stress away even for just a few hours, I'll take it

3

 I've seen this and it's really good. Also, can't wait for the Netflix adaptation as well, it's such engrossing novel

Passage

The Recording Academy / GRAMMYs uploaded on their site Fast Car live performance of Tracy Chapman and Luke Combs. I can't get over how good this performance is. When I heard Luke Combs' cover I was pretty meh about it and I was annoyed when it peaked higher (#2) on the Billboard Hot 100 than Tracy's original (#6). But this performance gave me a new perspective on the cover. Seeing him performing it live I appreciated his vocals and especially the sincerity in paying tribute to Tracy. His cover being a hit reminded people of how great Tracy Chapman is as well as reaching a new generation as well. This song is almost as old as me and it was one of the songs that I heard over the years on radio. But hearing Tracy Chapman perform it live at this age just hits differently. The passage of time just makes it more special. There was another Grammys performance that embodied this kind of sentiment as well - Joni Mitchell singing Both Sides Now at age 80! Music is a very powerful time capsule.

Food for the Brain

 I went to a bookstore earlier just to check around and found a copy of journalist Patricia Evangelista's book. Immediately bought it. I read the first few parts on the bus home. A heavy but engrossing read. It's about her coverage of the drug war in the country. I've been feeling hopeless a lot lately so you know reading this book isn't the best thing but I will always have journalism in my heart and about a journalist's journey is something I will not resist.

Thrill

 I almost gave in. Good thing I really did learn from what happened last year. Never again. But moments like this happen from time to time, I just need to have presence of time so I won't commit that mistake again. It's hard but doable

Orange Juice

Today I witnessed a good gesture. Letting go was the easier choice but they didn't do it. Highly appreciated. I had some qualms before but glad to know that I made the right choice.

Fast Car

 Because of the Grammys performance tonight, it reminded me of how BEAUTIFUL and TIMELESS this song is. The song is almost as old as I am and now I'm at this age and experience some lifechanging, this just takes a new meaning

Lights Off

On a seemingly okay day then something happens that should have not happened if only they don't seek drama where there is none. But well, I try to understand that maybe it's just a result of pressure of being needed all the time so meltdowns happen but it's pretty exhausting. I do act as if nothing stressful is happening because the last thing needed is to add more drama. Pretend is the key.

Not Quite

 Close to finish but not there yet. I still missed my target because I just can't focus at certain times and now some unnecessary drama blocked my way again. Oh well, it's so tiring. But I need to march on and deal with stuff head-on like I always do. There's no other choice unless I want to fully wreck everything, I'll never do that. I'm tired but not a fool

17 minutes

 Another challenging weekend ahead, I made some strides today but still not enough to reach the goal I wanted. Hopefully, I won't fail tomorrow. 

Another Farewell

 When I was younger, one of my so-called peculiarities was that I played armchair program scheduler where I made schedules for TV or radio stations, real and imagined! So the fact that I was able to do actual programming planning for a real cable channel was something I really enjoyed. We are a niche cable channel but we have dedicated viewers, especially the senior citizens who watch our channel in the wee hours of the morning because they either woke up early or they can't sleep yet. If there is one thing that's making me sad about the channel's impending end is thinking of those viewers especially those who would regularly message or post on our Facebook page over the years. They were the viewers who would bombard their cable operators when our channel had no signal. Alas, the changing landscape of cable television eventually caught my beloved TeleNovela Channel as well. Job-wise, I'm fine because for the past few years, I have been on double duty doing other projects and in charge of other responsibilities for the company. However, being the channel coordinator was my main job and for the better part of my working life - it was my world. I'm gonna miss this channel so much but definitely grateful for the experience.

126

 More things to worry about I guess. Oh my. It just never ends but after learning about what happened to a friend just today, it kept me in check to not ignore the fact that my worst fear is not here. I'm grateful to that of course but it just worrying

Size 8

 I don't have much but at least I can give something that is appreciated. I wish I could give more but this is the best I could do given everything I'm dealing with. Oh dear Lord, please hear our prayers, I always get nervous each time it happens but I'm trying my best not to be engulfed by fear again. 

One Month

 It's hard to let go of something that has been quite in my life for the last decade or so. But I knew someday it would happen and I thought I prepared myself for this already but now that it is a reality, it really sucks. But you gotta march on and hopefully opportunities will still come in. 

Headspace

 Here I go but only slightly better but I need to do better as this will be my sole focus now in just a few weeks. I need to balance everything and be more focused. Before everything gets too messed up

Questions

 Seeing some concerns and yet we can't address it yet is breaking my heart. We are just very small community but I still cherish every single one who valued us. I hate seeing this happen.

Era

 So many things happening and I'm really sad and devastated. I'm trying to keep it in and trying to remain positive. I deeply regret the times I felt that this was a nuisance that was stopping me from focusing on this other thing. Everything is so vulnerable now so I am nervous but I need to continue marching on.

FIN

 So the confirmation I've been waiting for happened today. I am very sad but I can't deny that I saw it coming. I was hoping against all odds but just so many factors that practically happened at the same time that led to this result. It's just hard to keep it going so  I have no choice but to accept and make the most of what it's left. At least there's some good news though because one thing I feared didn't come to fruition and hopefully it stays that way for stability. 

Holding

 I'm still in a daze. Still worried of what's to come but also preparing myself for the worst. But I'm trying to stay positive that good thing will come our way soon. I badly need it. Not just me but all of us.

Hanging

 Another day where I am left bothered by an impending doom. I'm still hoping it still could be saved because this has been a big part of my life and losing it for good will suck so much. And of course, it is a security blanket.

Spell

 I really need to pick myself and be optimistic that this won't be the end of it all. I hope they find a way to make it work and give another least in life. It's been hanging over my head for the 2 months and the lack of resolution is really making me so anxious. 

Clean up

 I really got lazy today and I might be messy tomorrow, oh no! But let's see maybe I can do a quick fix up! But I'm getting tired of fixing things to be honest. 

Sangkalan

Another day of me trying to get things done but laziness got in the way. I sometimes question why I get myself into situations like this where I'm not directly benefitting but I don't know I just want to be nice and make things run smooth I guess because I feel like it's my responsibility as well. It's my fault for not asserting myself I guess but at the end, it really is not a bad thing. I just need to figure how to balance everything. 

Dry

 I'm starting to get worried again. Nothing of importance this week has come. I need the tank to be full again or even over capacity. That's a good problem to have and not this worry about things not working well. Plus this other thing where they are making unnecessary complicated. But I remind myself that I don't really know what's going on. I hope something comes up next week. We need MORE.

Confundido

 I regret that I did sort of wish that this one block would go away so I'll have an easier but now without it, everything seems to be in limbo. It's so disheartening that there's just no clarity right now. Hanging in the balance, doing things as they go along. No clear path. I hope my questions will be answered soon enough.

Entrada

Floating. Not really sure where the road is heading. I understand why it is being evaluated but there are just other complications for them not to at least give one more go for that remaining period. It is really making me feel listless for over a month now. What a bummer

Instant

So I immediately paid for slacking off yesterday. I hate that sometimes I need to feel pressured to overcome laziness! I don't like buzzer-beater moments and yet I am dragging myself to those moments more often these days. I need better discipline because I can't afford to mess this up. But I do need to learn how to give myself breaks so I won't feel lazy again

Pause

 I think I got tired over the weekend so I needed some pause today. Also there are personal things I need to do as well as a way to watch over things and lessen things I get stressed about. Hopefully, I'll be back tomorrow in full form

Pinky Promise

 After posting that I was "in the zone" last night, it came all crashing down and I was lured into procrastination! I had to pay for it today but at least I was able to pull it off. However, it's not a good feeling though to cram because of my laziness. I still have some things left to do and hopefully I'll do better time management this time and focus better. I really need it so much

In The Zone

 A little late but better than never. Laser-focused now to finish this up that has been long delayed. I need to get my mojo back and I'm getting it again. So here it goes!

Just Never Is

That's why I can't hold on to any positive feelings because it wouldn't last and something else would happen that would ruin everything. I always try to control not to feel upset anymore and just look on the bright side of things but how could I when there's always something that will trigger something chaotic that should not happen in the first place. So tired.  I don't want to be ungrateful but I just want to vent my never-ending frustrations in life 

On the way

 Inside a jeep right now and driving myself mad thinking of terrible scenarios. It is always like this whenever a day like this comes around. Help me be calm dear Heavens 

Level

 This is it again. I'm scared but also I feel defeated. I'm worried but I'm also tired of this feeling. But I don't want to feel this way because the other option is just scarier. Whatever happens again, I just have to be strong as much as I can.

Hybrid Cufflinks

 I was able to finish something on my goal list today and now focusing on doing something that will give me some breathing room because I still have like two major things left to do, But I like this, I hope more of this all througout the year!

Here we go!

 I'm swamped again with many things to do! I like it but I also blaming myself because the load could have been lighter if I wasn't so lazy last weekend! But well, time to focus again and do stuff as fast as possible without sacrificing quality!

Closed

I felt saw when I saw my favorite meat shop closed already. I had a feeling it was going under because nearly every time when I bought there for the past year or so, I was the only one. They are not that pricey compared to the ones sold in the wet market and they have quality stuff but oh well that is just how life is.

Thinking About It

 Despite some happy stuff the past few days,  I'm here again pondering on things that are making me so sad. I wish I could stop this feeling but I really can't. There are just so many things making me feel so sad. Worries and anxieties, if they would only go away

375

 Got new eyeglasses today after more than 5 years. The previous was still generally usable but had scratches already that had been bothersome lately and well I haven't bought myself anything last Christmas so why got gift myself something quite useful too!

Nice!

 I was not expecting it anymore but I just learned to have lower expectations so I won't get hurt that much but this time, I'm so happy to be wrong! It's the pick-me-up I much needed after everything really, It's really giving me a boost right now and more driven to do better!

Qiqi

    I'm so busy because I need to finish a lot of things, I accepted a lot of stuff thinking I could do some things in advance during the holiday break but nah I was lazy then. I was wrong that I could be in the mood to do work during those days but hey I'm playing catch up and it's all good. I feel driven because I always to start the year right work-wise!

Ch. 126

 So it finally happened today but still, I'm clinging on to hope that maybe they change their mind. There's some reaction when it's missing so it wasn't totally ignored. I know in the grand scheme it's still a small thing but I hope they listen. 

1095

 Three straight years of posting something daily on my 18-year-old blog! Well, it's mostly just random and vague angst-filled musings but it definitely helped me process emotions when I'm anxious. It's like screaming into the void these days since no one really blogs anymore but I like it that way. As long as Google keeps Blogspot around, I'll be posting.