Deep Regret

In times like this when I feel some struggle, that mistake haunts me again. I was so stupid, letting myself fall into a trap I should have seen coming. Oh well. I hope I'll be able to bounce back from that mistake. I'm surviving of course but I really wasted the buffer I had because of selfishness. 

2 days

 Only two work days this week tomorrow and Friday. Some filed leaves for that I didn't. I have things to do and honestly look forward to them, I was planning to get some work done today during election day off but did absolutely nothing. I guess let's say this is me recharging! Or just being lazy! But I'll be back in work mode tomorrow the  2 day break which will still have me working too!

Proud

 So proud who has a hit podcast on Spotify Philippines - KILABOT: Pinoy Horror Stories! This cousin has always been a radio fan and wanted to be DJ while that didn't pan out, he found the platform where he could pursue his dream and I'm so proud he was able to do so. How I wish Tito Romy is still with us to see how successful his son is but I know he is proud up there.

Above

 You always have an idea of what the situation is and you get testy because you are afraid but at the end you need to face it anyway and deal with everything. You just hope things will get better or at the very least stable in a way that you could live a less frightening life each day.

Stepping back

 I'm a mess and to protect myself and others from the harm it can cause, I'm just going to take myself out of this situation for a very short time so I can cry it all out then I'll keep the facade of being strong. I will be vulnerable for awhile so I can be a braver person later because it is apparent that I can stop this anymore. I knew it was coming, I was trying not to think about it much but here we are. Oh dear Lord please guide me to be3 strong in all aspects

Incospicous

 Here I go again with this uneasy feeling. I want to shake it off but my mind is going crazy. So many fears that result in to blame game which shouldn't be the case. I do keep it inside because I don't want to add further stress,  But bottling it up inside is making me go insane. It's hard to concentrate when I'm very bothered and very worried about things I can't control. I don't want this feeling anymore but I can't escape from it,.

Complex

 I'm so conflicted about what to feel. I don't want to feel dismissive but I can't help but feel this way again. It's hard to be calm when you need to be the strong one. I try to think about other things to distract myself but the worries keep coming back and it will probably never end. I want to be the source of comfort but how can I if anxiety is killing me inside? Lord, help me.

Due

 My mind is racing with negative thoughts. Here and there. As usual, I jump right into the negative timeline. I need to step back before I affect other people and make them feel bad. I need to contain this feeling of skepticism and helplessness. I can't be that person who crumbles.  

Blurry

 The bad feeling I have I think I don't know is really manifesting. Oh Dear Lord, please no.  I'm so scared right now. I feel like there are signs coming and I really want to dismiss it but I'm so scared, I can't function anymore. How tough can I still stay. 

Hole

 I was planing to do something in advance but eh got lazy and just went to do nothing of significance aside from family responsibilities. It's quite a stressful time here at home so I need to detach myself so I can be numb. It wont last I know but I need a breather from all of this so I won't feel resentment for a long time. I need to focus on what's valuable so I won't have regrets when some bad thing lingering in my mind really happens

Tolerate

 I kept quiet about some lingering things because  I didn't want to stress about it. Life is too complicated already for me to stress about things that happen regularly anyway. You just accept things don't really change. 

Stifle

Sometimes I just don't want to go here because problems of all sorts welcome me. There's nothing I can do but absorb all the negative energy. It's suffocating but I can't complain. I can't make a comment. Just be silent, let them unload while you just take it in. Maybe cry silently 

Lingering

 Tomorrow unless something bright happens, I have to resort to a backup plan. Oh well, all things considered still OK. But during these times, I can't help but remember that fatal mistake a few months ago. If I didn't succumb to my impulse. I would be much okay today but hey at least still thankful I woke up even if it took a hard nudge for me to realize that I can't keep going. Sometimes you really to struggle to learn the hard lessons

Lens

 While eating at my favorite fast food near the office, I noticed that there is a new crew and he really looked young. Looks like it was his first time so he was a bit slower but good thing no other customers were complaining or making a scene to make things stressful. I did think about his age, and I think he really is just the same age of the usual people working at fast food but now that I'm a full-grown adult and a generation away from the young generation, my perspective changed and I see these young adults as really young or kids now. One of those moments where you feel your age already. I try to be tough and not be a softie anymore but I can't help but feel sentimental for the young generation especially those in the working class. Life is tough. I knew it now. 

Move

I'm still hoping for this thing to have some development already. I've been worried about it for so long but I still keep on hoping each week for some news but nada. Hopefully, the news will come this week or at least before the month ends just to secure stuff. The waiting has been really a rollercoaster for me.  I wish I didn't know about this like before but it's better than being oblivious. 

No, Please

 Seeing signs again of a potentially alarming situation. I'm scared again. I hope whatever negative thought I have right now will not happen. I'm just trying to keep it in and not panic. Oh boy

Life

 I'm so stressed because I feel like nobody cares as long as they unburdened themselves and let the shock absorber deal with everything, suffering inside but you can't speak it up because you don't want to make things a lot worse. You have to be a rational adult, you have to understand where they are coming from. Thinking back on the several mistakes I committed a few months ago, I would still continue doing that thing if I didn't get a huge wake-up call. That mistake gave me a temporary escape from my reality but still glad I was able to get that out of my system before more significant problems could set in and that's the last thing I need in my already miserable life. 

Remove

 I'm sick of being on the receiving end of other people stressing out. But I really have no choice but sweep things under the rug and just not make any comment not to aggravate things. I feel so trapped times dealing with so  many burdens I never thought I would actually be carrying at this point of my life. But it is what is is and I just have to deal with the best that I can do

Stare

 There's an international crisis right now that I've been sort of avoiding reading because it's stressing me out thinking of scenarios. I care but I know I am powerless. It sucks and I hope and pray we will never experience that kind of horror in our lifetime.

60

 Here I go again spiraling out instead of being more caring. But I do care of course, I've been doing the heavy lifting the past few years and I have no regrets. But it's just that my fears can really get me at times. I feel sorry after having mini meltdowns in my head. It's just hard really but I can't break down. No, I can't lose it. Dear Lord please give me strength and help me ease my worries

Alarming

 So much vulnerability around me right now. I'm quite scared to be honest. I need to stay strong. I need to stay focused. I must try to keep my spirits up. I need to muster all the energy I can to not crumble to the overwhelming worries clouding my mind. So help me God.

73

 Looks like another hectic weekend ahead but you know a door was opened so why not? I need it really especially with some things lately reminding me how integral it is in my life now. It's stressing me out but I'm trying to shove it down because this isn't the time for me to dwell on it. I have bigger things to work on

Tri

I did a LOT today but at least I'm now down to one major thing I need to finish by Wednesday! My mind was so busy because I had to do some other things to but hey this is good and hopefully there's more to come. 

Ant

 Yes, I made it! I was able to finish what I needed to take care of. Why do I have to do this in such a buzzer-beater kind of way again? I was really focused though and didn't rush things even if I wanted to because I can't bear to give something substandard. Oh well still busy days ahead but I am ready to face it

Ambivalent

 Another struggle. I know what I should do but my mind is putting it off. There's just something in me that's not clicking I guess. Hopefully tomorrow I can do so much better. I HAVE to really.

Woohoo

 Another busy weekend but grateful really! It's a really good thing that I like this current project I'm doing so even if has a tight schedule and quite challenging too creatively speaking, it's so fun! I hope I will be able to pull this off and fight the allure of procastination! 

Molehills

I made the right to just let something that annoyed me deep inside. I was just being sensitive and good thing my rational side prevailed. You really have to understand where people are coming from sometimes. It will likely happen I guess but I will always do my best to handle things well and not make things blow up unnecessarily. 

Flicker

I am currently doing a project that I really love! I hope I can see it when it's out already. But I'm getting ahead of myself because we are just basically starting but with a very rapid turnaround! It's such an interesting concept and got me hooked so doing it doesn't feel much work. I enjoy it probably a little too much that I might forget to do some of the things I need to do in lieu of work! 

Bottle

 I'm not a person that chases drama. I don't need that kind of stress in my life. As long as I can, I stay away from it. But yesterday I had another trigger. My rational side understands everything hence I try to act normal and unbothered. But deep inside I'm so offended. I know nothing good will come out of it if I speak about it, so I'm just trying to let it slide. Controlling what I truly feel is hard and eating me inside. But I have no choice but march on regardless. 

Nah

 Oh here again, I'm the one who's going to adjust. It's as if I'm not actually doing a big help too. Oh well, what else can I do, right? It really annoys me but it is what it is. 

Nokia 106

 Bought tatay a new phone. Still the basic keypad phone. We tried to give him a smartphone 2 years ago but he didn't like it and reverted to using his old phone. That old phone's battery died so finally bought him a new one. Nokia brand still. He's a text and call guy anyway and wants long battery life. Nokia basic phones are still dependable on that regard, one full charge can last almost a week!