Thursday, November 21, 2019

Major

So I tomorrow I will try to end one of the things that is holding me back. It's a repercussion of me playing things safe. It's a big move from me and it involves money. I have limited funds so this decision is giving me so much anxiety right now. I could have solved this long ago if I made better decision and took risk earlier but it's too late. Now I have to salvage it before things get even more complicated and give me more anxiety.

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

Cycle

Well, I'm blogging because as expected I'm once again feeling crappy. My backpack which I have been using for years broke big time today. I had to commute so  I placed my bag on a paper bag and just when I was about the ride the van home the paper bag broke, so yeah it was such a hassle. Things got even worse because I had to give up my seat in the van to a middle-aged married couple can seat together. I could't say no because you know an adult man saying no to that is impolite. And it's really no big deal anyway. But the seat I had in return was so cramped. I'm a fat guy so I squeezed myself as tight as possible. And I had to hold this broken paper bag holding my broken bag. My butt and legs were aching all throughout the trip. Add to the stress is I learned my parents had a fight today due to a small thing actually. I filed a leave tomorrow because my parents asked me to look after my nephew because they have something to do but now that they're not in good terms, I had to accompany my father tomorrow because my mother won't go. I was planning to do some work-from-home stuff but I can't say no of course because there would be conflict. I can't openly express my feelings because if they noticed this could lead to another unnecessary issue. I don't want any of that. And it's really just a small thing so yeah as I always I need to adjust so everyone can be comfortable. I know these so-called problems is really just a small thing compared to what other people are experiencing so I need to keep things in check. But man sometimes it's just hard for me dealing with this kind of stuff. The past few years, as shown on this blog, I've been tormented by my frustrations in life. I cope up with this avoiding thinking this way, removing myself from situations where it could be triggered. Distracting myself with the frivolities of life. But ultimately I always end up feeling this way. My insecurity has gotten worst to be honest. You see whenever I see a balding man on the street, I can help but look at their bald spots and imagine that's how I look like now. I thought I could handle balding better but no. I know this is such a small issue but you see I can't deny it anymore that I feel so devastated going bald this early. Why even in this I can't catch a break?
Overweight, balding with a so-so financial status. Oh wow, I do deserve this mediocre life because I'm lazy to take risks. Such a weakling.

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

Damaged Goods

I watched the latest episode of Young Sheldon earlier and unexpectedly got me emotional because of one character. Dr. Sturgis is an old scientist who broke up with Sheldon's grandmother because he is "damaged goods". He had mental health issues and decided that he could not put someone else in this kind of relationship.  She was his first ever girlfriend in his senior year at that! He felt that he is better off alone and not trouble anyone else. Now that he found someone for him, he let it go because he does not want to be the person that drags someone down with him. This show is generally a likable pleasant comedy but it has a lot of heart which is why I'm into it. But I didn't expect to be affected this way. It was the way Dr. Sturgis described himself as "damaged goods" that touched a nerve. It felt like the perfect words to describe how I sadly see myself. I'm damaged goods so I'm better off alone and not pull someone else down with me to the gutter. For the longest time, I thought I'm okay with this. I thought about how I will be at this age back in my teens. But I know in my heart that  I hoped it won't be the case. But looks like it is where I am heading to. I've come to terms with it long ago and but maybe it wasn't really the case because how could a random moment like that on a TV show gave me such feels?

Honestly, I was planning not to dwell with this thoughts but I came home and felt anxious because of an incident. And now here I am typing my feelings away in this blog that has become a repository of my recurring and never-ending anxiety-filled thoughts.

Bury it deep.

Friday, September 13, 2019

Sucker

 Some random thing could trigger this feeling again. I feel so inadequate. At 32 years old, I haven't really achieved anything. In my college days, I felt like I was probably never going to get married and now I'm at the age where a lot of friends and acquaintances are married and raising their  own families and I feel envious. I don't admit it to anyone but yeah I do. I wish I am that stage of my life. I thought I've conditioned myself to have this fate but when reality kicks in, it hits hard. I know married life and raising a family is no walk in the park but still I wish I was in the position where it could be possible. I know still not yet late but I just feel it ain't happening. I just have no capabilities financial and emotional for that kind of life.

I wish I was at least rich you know where I could give at least my parents a luxurious life and where I can give them money that they request me without feeling a little anxious because I don't have that much. I wish I'm the child who was able to give them a lot more of they deserve. They are good parents especially for a sickly child like me. They are now in their 60s and I could definitely feel they are getting old and not the same as they used to be. I'm still able to help financially but just enough to cover the house expenses. I barely have extra to give them more. I wish I was the kind of child that could give my father a new car or  the very least afford all the car maintenance. I wish I was the kind of child that could give them vacations to their beloved hometown or even anywhere.  I wish I could buy my mother a new washing machine or microwave. I wish I could give my father new clothes and shoes. I wish I was able to be the child who spoils them as they enjoy their senior year. But the truth is I just give. enough to pay my share of the electricity, water bill and groceries. Just that and nothing more. It depresses me sometimes that I just can't afford it. '

I feel so envious whenever I see people my age who can buy their own car, own their own house and travel to places for vacation. I can't even shell out money these days to buy new shows and large clothes. I can't even watch a  lot of movies liked I used to. I can't even subscribe to Netflix because too expensive for me.


I really hate how I look. Obese and balding at 32. I look so older than I am supposed. Facing the mirror depresses me so much. I try to be self deprecating about it but this really bothers me a lot. But it's my fault I stress eat. My mother gave me a word earlier because I was this large bag of chips I got annoyed but I stayed quiet because what she is true. I eat too much garbage food and I'm to lazy to stop. I feel heavy. Both literary and figuratively

Earlier I was listening to the radio and the DJs were talking about them getting stressed as they balance work, life and going back to school to take master's. That dream of me again studying again came back and you know I really want to do it but guess can't afford it again.

And there's my journalist dreams. Everytime I read a great piece or listen to a podcast or a great TV show. I wish I can be the who could author that. I wish at least that even if I'm not, I have this great work of passion to be proud about. But I have nothing but just daydreams.


Yes I admit I feel so much envy these days. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I try to contain these feelings but I can't escape from it. It keeps on haunting me.


I know the reason I'm not really successful in life because I play it safe. So afraid of risk. So afraid of rocking the boat. So afraid of change.

Most importantly, I just don't have the right attitude to succeed. I'm okay with mediocrity. That's why I will  never be on top.

Saturday, September 07, 2019

Recurring

Now 32 years old.

And I still have the same issues hovering my mind and my heart. I hate this feeling. On the day itself, I tried to do things to relax which I had for a few hours but then I went back to that nagging feeling of distress that I can't seem to escape. There's always discomfort. There's always that worry. 

I have a weekly source of stress lately. It's so frustrating. It happens over and over again. Last week I tried to escape but it literally welcomed me back. And now I went to do stuff then went back to that again. Can't I catch a break? 

I made certain decisions for the convenience of others. I don't want to deal with the stress that comes with pursuing something that will make others uncomfortable. I'm a pushover. I hate it but I just want things to be as calm as possible. I don't want stress and anxiety anymore so I try to control things to avoid that but there's truly no escape because it keeps on coming back. It finds way to taunt me over and over again. 

Sunday, September 01, 2019

Looming

I'm worried again. I feel so anxious worrying about the worst case scenario. I should relax and think positively but my fear is overpowering me. I'm already thinking on how I would handle the scenario in case it happens. Can I keep myself together if my worst fears come to fruition? If that happens I really need to be strong and calm because everyone else will be in shambles, so I need to be the rock. This pessimism is really just killing my zest for life.

Yesterday I decided to do something personal to take a break from the anxiety but just as soon as I got home instantly stress welcomed at me at the door. I can't catch a break. Like I can't really do something for personal entertainment, The happiness is just fleeting so why even bother.

Now, I'm in a bad spot again but I gotta be strong and keep that facade because hey I have no choice but be that person.

Thursday, August 29, 2019

Outdated

Turning 32 a week from now.  Nothing special planned.  I'm gonna be busy at work because Thursday is always the day where my tasks are piled up. So yeah it will be an ordinary day. I will visit the chapel near the office to pray. My birthday wish is always good health for me and my loved ones and that we  are always away from any form of harm. Everytime I feel so frustrated with some family issue, I always keep in mind that this is still a minor problem and be thankful because things could be worst. And it calms me down and puts me into perspective. So when I feel upset I just keep it inside and just write my frustrations away here on this blog which I believe no I know reads anyway. Blogging in this form is kinda dead.  In a way I like it. I can be open to the universe but barely anyone can read it anymore so I can be more free? I dunno, it's silly I know but it helps me.

I've been having such petty problems that really frustrates me. The shoes I use are damaged, I can still use it so I do. But it frustrates I can't replace it immediately. I can't afford it. My belt is broken too, a superglue just keeping it together. It can't handle my fat. Speaking off, I have a pair of pants that are damaged too. The price I pay for my gluttony.

I have been conscious with my baldness now. I used to be okay with it but I now I wear a cap or beanie in the office. Well, it's cold because of the aircon and yeah I just hate how I look now. I look older than I really am because of my weight and my bald spot. I used to not care but then I had this moment where I looked myself in the mirror and really noticed how ugly I look with this balding hair. I look better with a cap or beanie on covering it. I feel less conscious. I hate the fact that I've lost my hair so young. So frustrating. I don't know what I could have done to stop this. Genes and stress, how can I really fight it.

I'm now again feeling frustrated with my financial status. I've been thinking of talking to my superiors to ask for a raise. But I don't know. I'm too shy and conscious. Last year I did it via e-mail but nothing really happened and I didn't follow it up anymore. So this time I need to tell them personally but I admit I feat of getting rejected. I will feel so bad and maybe resentful. But that's me thinking way too negative early on. Lord please grant me courage.

I don't want to think about it but I can't lie to myself. I feel sad that I will turn 32 in a week and I still feel I haven't achieved anything noteworthy. I'm scared where my future is heading. I feel like I have't really matured enough.  And yeah I feel so lonely. I wish it wasn't this way but it's a lingering feeling I try to fight each day.

Saturday, August 24, 2019

Repetitive

It's so frustrating that you know that it's just not gonna change... ever. You should always be on alert or else chaos begins. So tired of it. I'm tired of sumbat. I'm tired of nothing is really sincere, there's always something you need to owe to someone. So tired of trying to make things OK but know their temper should always prevail and one must bow down to. So tried to bottling emotions up and keeping resentments at bay.  Oh what hell-ish life this is. You really try your best to ignore it because when everything pacifies, it's all okay. But it keeps on happening in your unguarded moments.

I'm so unhappy really. But you must not show it. I keep trying to remind other people have it worst over and over again so this feeling won't eat me whole and keep things in perspective. Most of the time I succeed but there are moments like this as I type this that I am reminded it's really not the case. I don't want to whine but I want to let it all out to keep me sane so I can keep the facade that I can face this and battle all the negative energy being pushed at me.

But for how long can I keep this?

Monday, July 01, 2019

I wish there wasn't a but

Today is my 10th anniversary working for the same company. I made a blog about my first day 10 years ago here.

To be honest, I have mixed feelings. Of course I'm grateful to have a stable job for a decade already. A job in an area where I have so much interest and the company has really been a family to me

BUT

There's a but

I wish there wasn't a but.

I just feel like I should be happier and not just be okay. I don't want to leave to be honest because I really like it here. yes I hate to admit I wish it was more financially rewarding. I just feel like I deserve it.  And yes a part of me is frustrated because I feel like I'm way behind where I am supposed to be financially speaking at this point of my life. I'm not broke by any means but I just have enough to be okay. I wish there was more. I wish my financial status is stronger than where I am now.  I wish I could have saved more. I have savings but it's not as big as I hoped it would be. I wish I could have helped more with my family. I wish I could buy more stuff for my parents. They don't ask me that much but I wish I was the child who could really spoil them and give them luxuries. But no I can only give a little more than enough. I wish I have more so I can replace my laptop monitor. I wish I have more so I can have a printer again. I wish I have more so I can buy my nephew his own laptop. I wish I had more so I won't feel stressed when the going gets tough. I wish there was for me to buy those large clothes and pants that I need because I'm so fat right now and plus size attire is just so expensive. And yes I wish there was more for me to afford to take a risk. Try a business venture or send myself back to school to take a Master's degree.I wish I had more that I won't feel so terrible when I make an impulse purchase. I wish I had more so I can see a movie in a theater on a regular basis. I wish I had more so I won't feel so bad when I want something but I can't afford to do so.

Today is a personal milestone and I hate that there's a part of me that feels this way. This was not what I pictured my life to be 10 years ago. I hate to admit but it is what I feel right now

I want to feel better. I really do. I don't want to feel this way every single time I blog.

Friday, May 10, 2019

Unchanged

Elections on  Monday and I dread the results more than ever. It will be disappointing for sure. I can feel it with actual people surround me. Their choices, the people they will vote for. Charisma is deadly. People CHOSE to ignore the obvious and believes on thing that aligns with what they want to hear.

And the "woke" crowd I find problematic as well. I'm all for educating and enlightening people but the tone is just too antagonistic most of the times. What a lot of people don't understand,the more you berate, the more they don't listen. There's that sense of arrogance and superiority complex that turns people off.  I

This is such a difficult time. I blame social media in a way, easier access to misinformation propaganda.

I'm scared with the future. But you gotta hope.  You need to.