Monday, October 29, 2018

Levels

I don't like how I easily get stressed lately. Such small and minor things will lead me to think of the worst case scenario. I need to manage my emotions. Need to be braver. Need to be the rock they need me to be. I need to stop whining. I need to stop panicking. Breathe in. Breathe out. It's not a big deal. Don't make a mountain out of mole hills. Just no.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Discomfort

This never ends. The same crap happens over and over again. I predicted this to happen. I wanted to speak out but I want to avoid drama because there's no point. All those bad energies creeping into me again. They are always in a bad mood. I hate it so much. Then this one makes a messy decision again and drags us all over again. Why do you keep on doing this? I'm so tired of being the person to mediate and the be the shock absorber. I have no choice. This is it and I have nowhere to go. Sometimes I wonder if anyone of you thinks how your actions and decisions affects other people big time. Probably not. The cycle continues. I daydream of being away from here but it's not gonna happen. I can't do it. I can't leave them behind. I can't try to do things on my own. I can't. I wish I didn't feel this way but it's a losing battle. This is what I have become. It's good thing I kept a good distance from anything else. There's no point to be something else, to do anything else, to be somewhere else because I know I will always go back here. To look over them. To try to pacify the situation. To make them feel better. To make them worry less. Be not a problem. Don't be a hassle. Other people are doing it already. No need to add to the chaos anymore. You can't afford to be selfish.
Oh Lord please grant me the strength and more patience because it's just so hard to be this way, to feel this way. I can't lose my guard down. Can't afford it/

Sunday, September 30, 2018

Random Ramblings 9

Tomorrow is October and the start of the last quarter of the year.. Not gonna lie I'm so looking forward to the Christmas bonus. I really need extra money to buy new eyeglasses. My current eyeglasses has a broken frame and is just being held together by a paper clip. Yeah poor me! I wanted to buy for so long but keep putting it off because the type I want is expensive so I'm saving up money for it but something comes along that needs money so yeah I can't gather the funds to get what I want. Yeah one of those times I feel really bad I don't earn that much to afford stuff like it.

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 Watched Exes Baggage and I really like it. I admit the added factor that it stars two actors of my generation helps a lot. I love the music. I have been singing the movie's theme song Maybe The Night by Ben & Ben for days already. Beautiful music. As for the story I felt like it was able to capture a real relationship by regular folks in this modern era. And the ending I love it! Not exactly new but the way they build the scene was glorious.

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I filed a leave tomorrow simply because I have too many unused vacation leaves and might as well used one to take a rest and yes save money from transportation. All the stuff I'm working on has been well taken care off so I'm free to do it. I really have no plans tomorrow but stay at home and do nothing of importance.

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I turned 31 this month and honestly unlike when I turned 29 and 30, I didn't freak out this time around. Yeah older again but I don't feel as bad anymore that I haven't accomplished any of my dreams before. I don't know maybe I just accepted things as they are and just make the most of what I have right now. Or I gave up dreaming altogether.

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I've been trying to ignore political news whether online or real life interactions. This is really the worst era I've experienced. I just can't believe how things are right now. It's so frustrating.

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I'm so uncomfortable with changes lately but I've been doing a good job not panicking that much this time although there are stray moments where I go paranoid but I don't dwell on it as much as possible.

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I ended a long time activity because I felt the interest already subsided and it's just not the same anymore. I felt that I made the right call because things went as expected. It sucks to accept that hey it's not the same anymore.

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The new season of the Serial podcast is fantastic narrative journalism. The chances of me being a journalist is very low right now but hey but my love for well-researched and produced journalism will never die. I can't be one but I can support one. My blood boils how this era journalism is being degraded by fake news propaganda.

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I hate to admit but I do like being in my comfort zone. It frustrate me at times that growth is stunted but I do like not being overwhelmed by another type of stress  I can deal with this empty feeling than get stressed again. I could not lose the last stands of hair I have in my head to stress.

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For practicality purposes, i can't quit social media for good but I've successfully avoided lingering on Facebook and Twitter unlike before where I spend so much time wasted browsing the feed and feel bad about my life or get annoyed reading obnoxious opinions. It's a step. Social media is just too toxic for me nowadays.

Monday, August 27, 2018

Random Ramblings 8

Today is a holiday and I went to work. BUT I ACTUALLY ENJOY IT. The commute is so breezy. No heavy traffic and everything is so fast. Ayala Makati is also so serene that I liked walking to the office. Inside the office there's few people as well and I quite like the calmness of it all. Now I kinda dread going to work tomorrow because the commute will be stressful again.  Anyway,. In two weeks 10 years na akong parte ng working class! My first two jobs I lasted less than 9 months COMBINED then my third (and current) 9 years na ako! One thing I can say eh yung "iba na kapag real world" na sinasabi nila nung nag aaral pa ako eh TOTOO NGA! Iba nga talaga! There are things that you will learn about yourself and life in general as you go along. Minsan iniisip mo hindi ka pa mature to handle this and that but I feel na you won't really notice that you are maturing as it happens and in hindsight na lang marerealize na nag iiba na perspective of that you handle matters differently now. Of course there are regrets along the way, i think part naman talaga yun ng buhay but you really need to try your best not to to dwell on it too much. There's still a long road ahead and it's imperative to get rid of thoughts that will just keep you from moving forward.


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Absorbing so much stress lately. So far I'm still holding on. I'm praying though one potential source of another stressful time will not come to fruition. I know it will be such a mess so i really hope it won't happen. This thing that may or may not happen already occurred years ago and it was just a mess I don't know why people can't learn from it. I see the rationale behind the trying again but why is the planning not any better? Why are people are in a rush to do things their way without going to the proper channels. I wish I can speak out but it's not gonna work out because I'm in no position to do so. I really hope that things will turn out in my favor

Saturday, August 25, 2018

The Rock

I recently watched this movie SIGNAL ROCK about a guy and his small remote island community. I was able to relate to the lead character in a way as he is the one who absorbs  all the stressful stuff thrown at him. I'm not as strong and as skilled as him though. I'm so limited in a lot of ways but for some reason I have become some sort of shock absorber. I can not fall apart but I wish I could do something more. Financially of course.I'm stable but I wish had more disposable income. Life is harder today to be honest. Luckily I am still able to save some money but I wish I could save more. I've recently appealed for a salary increase which hopefully works out. I really need it. I thought of getting an SSS loan but you see I'm reserving that when there's really a big need. All I need now is better cash flow monthly and one time loan won't improve things.

As I type another stressful stuff is going on and the source if it all is just a small incident. It's actually not that a big of an issue but alas mood swings. You really have be so strong or maybe frigid to take it all in without breaking apart. I remember in December a small incident created such big chaos and it all started because I opened my mouth instead of just staying quiet or diverting the issue. I remember how emotionally damaging that day was. Of course in the end I've set my pride aside and did the move to make it all okay. And in the end all is okay as it often does when emotions are no longer high.  That moment taught me that it's not really worth it to fight back sometimes. I'm too weak and yeah a pushover. Just be quiet or talk minimally. Ignore since it will pass anyway. No need to let myself go through such an emotional torture for small things that could be ignored or not treat as a big deal. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore for less stressful existence.



Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Wall

I have a wall. I have a space left for myself. I don't let people come near it. I think it's for the better. I'm not totally alienated but I always keep a safe distance. I don't want to be too close for comfort. I'm an introvert but functions good enough socially to survive. Even during moments I let my guard down it's not 100%. This blog's recent posts are somewhat giving a glimpse of some of things that's inside the wall. That's why I keep this blog updated. This is where I let myself out in the open, where I say things I can't tell anyone directly. Although I know at this point there's few legit people reading this anymore. Maybe an old acquaintance or someone googles me discover this blog. Hi there. This is me. Don't get freaked out. I'm just full on angst and anxiety. I'm trying to work things out. Hoping and praying that one day I can be that man I wish could be. For now, i'm far from it. It's frustrating me a lot. Nearly everyday. There are things I'm trying to work on myself. I wish I could look back one day and read this post and smile because I was able to overcome this and be in a better place.

So blogspot don't die. I want to be able to keep these memories online for years to come. It's a piece of me out there in the world.

Sunday, July 08, 2018

Resisting Resentment

It's nearly an everyday struggle for me these  days to resist being resentful. I feel like I wasted so much time in my life. I missed out on possible opportunities. The feeling is something I try to escape from but it willl always find its way back to my mind. I distract myself. Focus on work. Listen to music and podcast. Watch TV. I need to keep my mind preoccupied because if I don't (like in  this moment as I type this) the resentments are attacking me at every corner. Yesterday was generally a good day, finally resolved a long time issue that actually quite inspired me to make a few more steps to do a thing I've been wanting to do for so long. However today I was reminded again why I couldn't do it in the past and why I stilll couldn't do it. There's a valid reason why I can't and there's no way I wouldn't choose it as my #1 priority. But then this thing I've been wanting so long is delayed for a decade already and I feel like time running out for that thing to happen, the window of opportunity lessens as days go by.
Maybe I should just accept that thing was possibly not meant for me. Maybe I should so I can start the process of moving on.

Friday, June 22, 2018

Random Ramblings 7

I have three former classmates who got married recently. And as expected it triggered something inside of me. While browsing at their photos all I can think is that I could never afford this. Huh! Oh well I don't know. Okay I admit I feel a little envious they are entering that stage of their lives.  I admit since I was a teen  I felt like I will still end up like this at this age, I think even blogged about it here. But of course deep in my heart I wished I was wrong. But oh well things happened as I've always predicted it would be. It sucks but that's life. Not really sure if that is something that could still happen in the future. But I have so many unfulfilled matters that to be honest that's the least of things I care about. But still I'm human and feels this kind of things when reminded of. It will pass like it always do but right at this moment writing about what I'm feeling helps me cope with the frustration. 

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I also recently found out one of my college professors migrated to Canada. I felt sad I was not able to see her before she left. She's one of my favorite professor because she was also part of my student journalist life and gave me all the support I needed especially during tough times. It also made me sad that she had to migrate so she can provide a better future for her family. It's totally understandable especially with the current political climate. To be honest I also thought about it. Moving to another country and start a new life. But I can't do it. I know I can't.  But you know what I never thought I would someday even entertain the thought of leaving the country. 

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I saw on social media that HF announced their Team 33 Editorial Board. It has been that long. I was part of Teams 20-22. Anyway, for some reason I had to urge to post congratulations to the exiting EIC and "words of wisdom" to the incoming EIC.  Those kids probably got weirded out that on old editor randomly commented. Thinking about it is kinda embarrassing because they don't know me and never met me!  I guess I just love my HF experience so much that I still try to stay connected with it somehow over a decade later but I should probably let it go and stop reliving that moment when I felt like I had the biggest achievement of my life because I admit my editorial stint was a disappointment. 

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July 1 marks my 9th year here at my job. I will definitely go for 10 years now that I have gone this far. I'm grateful that I have a stable job where I get to do something I like. I even survived the stressful years where our salaries were delayed for a year and I thought the company would close down. I experienced a lot in those 9 years. I treat a lot of the people I worked with as family.  But I'm sad that deep inside I still feel such a disappointment and that I sometimes I regret pursuing a job that I like than a job that's more financially rewarding. That feeling has been lingering inside of me for a long time already and despite my best efforts shoving it down it just won't die. 

Thursday, June 07, 2018

Vulnerable

 I'm 30 for crying out loud but I feel so inadequate. My life right now is on a loop but I hate to admit that I like the safe blanket I have right now. But I know something is lurking or the future is shaky if  I don't do something drastic. I worry a lot, I need to be ready but I can't make the first step. I second guess myself all the time. This is what frustrating me the most because the problem is me. I'm just so afraid of taking a risk. I really want to be selfish and do something that will only benefit me but I always think about them. They need me. I need them too. I hate to admit that I feel like I can't handle bigger adult problems. My confidence is at an all time low right now.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Stunted

I've been trying my best not to think about personal issues lately and I've been mostly successful as I focused more on work and other personal interests. But the previous day was rough it as if  life said to me "oh you think you can escape? Nope". But I think it's fine. Keeps me grounded. Keeps me from slacking off. Insecurity is such a nasty enemy that is so hard to defeat. But you just need to fight if off the best way that you can. I believe that acknowledging what you are truly feeling is a good step.
But for now, can I just wallow for  awhile? I'll get over this but for now I just want to put into words the feeling I have now. I'm drowning with "I'm a loser" thoughts right now. A few hours ago, I was folding our family's laundry which I usually do every Friday night.  The humid weather did  not help me as I just got more irritable and had these "poor me" thoughts. The thing is lately I've been witnessing friends entering new phases in their lives: Getting married. A baby on the way. A new job. Advancing in career. And where I am? Here perspiring like a mad man folding laundry. The truth of the matter this choice I made in my life is something I really don't hate or even regret lately.  I feel like I was really meant to be in this spot at this time. But damn I can't help but think of WHAT IF scenarios.