Monday, August 27, 2018

Random Ramblings 8

Today is a holiday and I went to work. BUT I ACTUALLY ENJOY IT. The commute is so breezy. No heavy traffic and everything is so fast. Ayala Makati is also so serene that I liked walking to the office. Inside the office there's few people as well and I quite like the calmness of it all. Now I kinda dread going to work tomorrow because the commute will be stressful again.  Anyway,. In two weeks 10 years na akong parte ng working class! My first two jobs I lasted less than 9 months COMBINED then my third (and current) 9 years na ako! One thing I can say eh yung "iba na kapag real world" na sinasabi nila nung nag aaral pa ako eh TOTOO NGA! Iba nga talaga! There are things that you will learn about yourself and life in general as you go along. Minsan iniisip mo hindi ka pa mature to handle this and that but I feel na you won't really notice that you are maturing as it happens and in hindsight na lang marerealize na nag iiba na perspective of that you handle matters differently now. Of course there are regrets along the way, i think part naman talaga yun ng buhay but you really need to try your best not to to dwell on it too much. There's still a long road ahead and it's imperative to get rid of thoughts that will just keep you from moving forward.


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Absorbing so much stress lately. So far I'm still holding on. I'm praying though one potential source of another stressful time will not come to fruition. I know it will be such a mess so i really hope it won't happen. This thing that may or may not happen already occurred years ago and it was just a mess I don't know why people can't learn from it. I see the rationale behind the trying again but why is the planning not any better? Why are people are in a rush to do things their way without going to the proper channels. I wish I can speak out but it's not gonna work out because I'm in no position to do so. I really hope that things will turn out in my favor

Saturday, August 25, 2018

The Rock

I recently watched this movie SIGNAL ROCK about a guy and his small remote island community. I was able to relate to the lead character in a way as he is the one who absorbs  all the stressful stuff thrown at him. I'm not as strong and as skilled as him though. I'm so limited in a lot of ways but for some reason I have become some sort of shock absorber. I can not fall apart but I wish I could do something more. Financially of course.I'm stable but I wish had more disposable income. Life is harder today to be honest. Luckily I am still able to save some money but I wish I could save more. I've recently appealed for a salary increase which hopefully works out. I really need it. I thought of getting an SSS loan but you see I'm reserving that when there's really a big need. All I need now is better cash flow monthly and one time loan won't improve things.

As I type another stressful stuff is going on and the source if it all is just a small incident. It's actually not that a big of an issue but alas mood swings. You really have be so strong or maybe frigid to take it all in without breaking apart. I remember in December a small incident created such big chaos and it all started because I opened my mouth instead of just staying quiet or diverting the issue. I remember how emotionally damaging that day was. Of course in the end I've set my pride aside and did the move to make it all okay. And in the end all is okay as it often does when emotions are no longer high.  That moment taught me that it's not really worth it to fight back sometimes. I'm too weak and yeah a pushover. Just be quiet or talk minimally. Ignore since it will pass anyway. No need to let myself go through such an emotional torture for small things that could be ignored or not treat as a big deal. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore for less stressful existence.



Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Wall

I have a wall. I have a space left for myself. I don't let people come near it. I think it's for the better. I'm not totally alienated but I always keep a safe distance. I don't want to be too close for comfort. I'm an introvert but functions good enough socially to survive. Even during moments I let my guard down it's not 100%. This blog's recent posts are somewhat giving a glimpse of some of things that's inside the wall. That's why I keep this blog updated. This is where I let myself out in the open, where I say things I can't tell anyone directly. Although I know at this point there's few legit people reading this anymore. Maybe an old acquaintance or someone googles me discover this blog. Hi there. This is me. Don't get freaked out. I'm just full on angst and anxiety. I'm trying to work things out. Hoping and praying that one day I can be that man I wish could be. For now, i'm far from it. It's frustrating me a lot. Nearly everyday. There are things I'm trying to work on myself. I wish I could look back one day and read this post and smile because I was able to overcome this and be in a better place.

So blogspot don't die. I want to be able to keep these memories online for years to come. It's a piece of me out there in the world.

Sunday, July 08, 2018

Resisting Resentment

It's nearly an everyday struggle for me these  days to resist being resentful. I feel like I wasted so much time in my life. I missed out on possible opportunities. The feeling is something I try to escape from but it willl always find its way back to my mind. I distract myself. Focus on work. Listen to music and podcast. Watch TV. I need to keep my mind preoccupied because if I don't (like in  this moment as I type this) the resentments are attacking me at every corner. Yesterday was generally a good day, finally resolved a long time issue that actually quite inspired me to make a few more steps to do a thing I've been wanting to do for so long. However today I was reminded again why I couldn't do it in the past and why I stilll couldn't do it. There's a valid reason why I can't and there's no way I wouldn't choose it as my #1 priority. But then this thing I've been wanting so long is delayed for a decade already and I feel like time running out for that thing to happen, the window of opportunity lessens as days go by.
Maybe I should just accept that thing was possibly not meant for me. Maybe I should so I can start the process of moving on.

Friday, June 22, 2018

Random Ramblings 7

I have three former classmates who got married recently. And as expected it triggered something inside of me. While browsing at their photos all I can think is that I could never afford this. Huh! Oh well I don't know. Okay I admit I feel a little envious they are entering that stage of their lives.  I admit since I was a teen  I felt like I will still end up like this at this age, I think even blogged about it here. But of course deep in my heart I wished I was wrong. But oh well things happened as I've always predicted it would be. It sucks but that's life. Not really sure if that is something that could still happen in the future. But I have so many unfulfilled matters that to be honest that's the least of things I care about. But still I'm human and feels this kind of things when reminded of. It will pass like it always do but right at this moment writing about what I'm feeling helps me cope with the frustration. 

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I also recently found out one of my college professors migrated to Canada. I felt sad I was not able to see her before she left. She's one of my favorite professor because she was also part of my student journalist life and gave me all the support I needed especially during tough times. It also made me sad that she had to migrate so she can provide a better future for her family. It's totally understandable especially with the current political climate. To be honest I also thought about it. Moving to another country and start a new life. But I can't do it. I know I can't.  But you know what I never thought I would someday even entertain the thought of leaving the country. 

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I saw on social media that HF announced their Team 33 Editorial Board. It has been that long. I was part of Teams 20-22. Anyway, for some reason I had to urge to post congratulations to the exiting EIC and "words of wisdom" to the incoming EIC.  Those kids probably got weirded out that on old editor randomly commented. Thinking about it is kinda embarrassing because they don't know me and never met me!  I guess I just love my HF experience so much that I still try to stay connected with it somehow over a decade later but I should probably let it go and stop reliving that moment when I felt like I had the biggest achievement of my life because I admit my editorial stint was a disappointment. 

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July 1 marks my 9th year here at my job. I will definitely go for 10 years now that I have gone this far. I'm grateful that I have a stable job where I get to do something I like. I even survived the stressful years where our salaries were delayed for a year and I thought the company would close down. I experienced a lot in those 9 years. I treat a lot of the people I worked with as family.  But I'm sad that deep inside I still feel such a disappointment and that I sometimes I regret pursuing a job that I like than a job that's more financially rewarding. That feeling has been lingering inside of me for a long time already and despite my best efforts shoving it down it just won't die. 

Thursday, June 07, 2018

Vulnerable

 I'm 30 for crying out loud but I feel so inadequate. My life right now is on a loop but I hate to admit that I like the safe blanket I have right now. But I know something is lurking or the future is shaky if  I don't do something drastic. I worry a lot, I need to be ready but I can't make the first step. I second guess myself all the time. This is what frustrating me the most because the problem is me. I'm just so afraid of taking a risk. I really want to be selfish and do something that will only benefit me but I always think about them. They need me. I need them too. I hate to admit that I feel like I can't handle bigger adult problems. My confidence is at an all time low right now.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Stunted

I've been trying my best not to think about personal issues lately and I've been mostly successful as I focused more on work and other personal interests. But the previous day was rough it as if  life said to me "oh you think you can escape? Nope". But I think it's fine. Keeps me grounded. Keeps me from slacking off. Insecurity is such a nasty enemy that is so hard to defeat. But you just need to fight if off the best way that you can. I believe that acknowledging what you are truly feeling is a good step.
But for now, can I just wallow for  awhile? I'll get over this but for now I just want to put into words the feeling I have now. I'm drowning with "I'm a loser" thoughts right now. A few hours ago, I was folding our family's laundry which I usually do every Friday night.  The humid weather did  not help me as I just got more irritable and had these "poor me" thoughts. The thing is lately I've been witnessing friends entering new phases in their lives: Getting married. A baby on the way. A new job. Advancing in career. And where I am? Here perspiring like a mad man folding laundry. The truth of the matter this choice I made in my life is something I really don't hate or even regret lately.  I feel like I was really meant to be in this spot at this time. But damn I can't help but think of WHAT IF scenarios.

Friday, April 27, 2018

Drive

I want to learn to drive. I'm the only man in the family aside from my 9 year old nephew who doesn't know how to. No one ever encouraged me to do or even asked about it. I guess they know my fear. I want to learn but I'm afraid to drive. I'm a clumsy person. I'm afraid  of getting into an accident. Or worst run over a person. I know I'm so paranoid. But I just can't shake off the feeling

I know to get this over with. I have so many deficiencies in life and a lot of this is my fault because I let feat take over my life. I'm posting this so I can finally admit this fear in my life. I hope this is a first step.

I'm so behind a lot of things in life. There need to be changes. There must be

Saturday, April 21, 2018

You

You always try your best not to blame anyone but sometimes you just couldn't handle it anymore. You keep on thinking, if you did not let it happen, it wouldn't turn out to be this way. If you didn't let your paranoia creep into other people, maybe those people won't grow up being so.damned.afraid.of.doing.certain.things.. 

Of course you acknowledge that for things not to happen to you, you need to fight back the forces that brings you down or keeps you stagnant. You were simply not brave to test the waters and go against the grain. You choose to stay in the comfort zone to avoid stress, to avoid dealing with backlash, to avoid the possibility of failure. Instead of  thinking "what if it works", you automatically think "what if it doesn't" and bury your thoughts to the worst.case.scenario. 

 You let fear beat you to the punch until you realize one day time is running out. Or maybe it already ran out. You are not sure if there's still time. You are not sure where are you going to end up anymore. What's worse you keep on comparing yourself to others and see how you are so behind with everything. You try not to think about it anymore. Focus your attention to something else. Focus to what matters to you right now but then there always things, instance, people that will keep  reminding you of the shitty feelings you are trying to bury into oblivion.

You acknowledge that self loathing, whining and complaining will not help you get anywhere. But you just need to let it out because everything is all bottled up. You are second guessing yourself all the time. You like giving advice to other people when you yourself have so many issues to deal with. You hate looking yourself in the mirror. You look like crap. But you know that goes beyond the physical but your reflection speaks so much of what you have become. 

You hate that you are a cliche. You hate that you actually fell into a stereotype. But you are okay with living in mediocrity because  it's still not the worst case scenario, Sometimes you wish you didn't take a leap of faith before because in hindsight you didn't really have what it takes to be that person you thought you could be. You should have chosen the safer road.because you just set yourself up with disappointment by following what you think is closer to your heart. You now think you made a bad call despite that path gave you one of the best memories of your life. 

You continue to daydream yet you don't want to aspire anymore. You just want yourself to be completely OK with the present. Yet you still couldn't shake off the feeling but maybe things will still turn around. You pray so hard that this isn't i. You can't help but still hope maybe this is just a roadblock that you will look back in the future and smile because you have survived and beat your worst enemy - you. 

Friday, March 30, 2018

Random Ramblings 6

I tried to sleep earlier but I couldn't do so. Instead, my mind was preoccupied of things that bother me. Both shallow stuff and real life issues. Maybe because it's Holy Week and I'm in a contemplative mood. I dunno maybe it's just typical me.

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It's Holy Week and a lot has changed. When we were going to church yesterday we've noticed almost every fast food and grocery stores are open to business! Back in the day, there's hardly any business open and the atmosphere is quiet but now it feels like just a normal day. Back in the pre-Internet days as well, there's hardly any "entertainment" because the TV and radio stations go dark or have religious themed programming. Now it's just different. I admit I do like some of things we experience right now but I can't help but miss the simpler times. 

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On the 10th anniversary of my college graduation, I resisted the urge to post something commemorating it on social media. I know that post will lead me to a road I don't want to go. Even if I try to mask it with positivism I know it wont sound true and I'm just kidding myself because I will wallow in self pity and make things bigger deal than it really is. I was successful in "ignoring" it on social media. No post whatsoever but not gonna lie on that day (heck days leading to that) I would have random thoughts about it. I even made the mistake of reading old blog posts 10 years ago and I was reminded me of one error I committed on my campus journalist days which until now still haunts me of how I was such a weakling back then which was probably was a sign how I will fare in the real world I guess. I hope someday I won't feel this way anymore. I don't like feeling like such a big loser in life.

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My nanay is taking new medicines and we observed that she has been so moody and very impatient. I won't deny it's frustrating and draining. However, when she acts out I always think of the worst case scenario to put me in perspective and make me appreciate what I have now. "Others have it worst" I always say that to myself so I won't let my frustration beat me. It's really tough but you do what you have to do. 

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We watched the local movie SEVEN SUNDAYS on TV earlier, I found myself relating to one character. It's a family (light) drama and it strikes a chord. It also made me wish some things about my present that I wish went on a different route. Overall I enjoyed the movie.