Friday, June 22, 2018

Random Ramblings 7

I have three former classmates who got married recently. And as expected it triggered something inside of me. While browsing at their photos all I can think is that I could never afford this. Huh! Oh well I don't know. Okay I admit I feel a little envious they are entering that stage of their lives.  I admit since I was a teen  I felt like I will still end up like this at this age, I think even blogged about it here. But of course deep in my heart I wished I was wrong. But oh well things happened as I've always predicted it would be. It sucks but that's life. Not really sure if that is something that could still happen in the future. But I have so many unfulfilled matters that to be honest that's the least of things I care about. But still I'm human and feels this kind of things when reminded of. It will pass like it always do but right at this moment writing about what I'm feeling helps me cope with the frustration. 


I also recently found out one of my college professors migrated to Canada. I felt sad I was not able to see her before she left. She's one of my favorite professor because she was also part of my student journalist life and gave me all the support I needed especially during tough times. It also made me sad that she had to migrate so she can provide a better future for her family. It's totally understandable especially with the current political climate. To be honest I also thought about it. Moving to another country and start a new life. But I can't do it. I know I can't.  But you know what I never thought I would someday even entertain the thought of leaving the country. 


I saw on social media that HF announced their Team 33 Editorial Board. It has been that long. I was part of Teams 20-22. Anyway, for some reason I had to urge to post congratulations to the exiting EIC and "words of wisdom" to the incoming EIC.  Those kids probably got weirded out that on old editor randomly commented. Thinking about it is kinda embarrassing because they don't know me and never met me!  I guess I just love my HF experience so much that I still try to stay connected with it somehow over a decade later but I should probably let it go and stop reliving that moment when I felt like I had the biggest achievement of my life because I admit my editorial stint was a disappointment. 


July 1 marks my 9th year here at my job. I will definitely go for 10 years now that I have gone this far. I'm grateful that I have a stable job where I get to do something I like. I even survived the stressful years where our salaries were delayed for a year and I thought the company would close down. I experienced a lot in those 9 years. I treat a lot of the people I worked with as family.  But I'm sad that deep inside I still feel such a disappointment and that I sometimes I regret pursuing a job that I like than a job that's more financially rewarding. That feeling has been lingering inside of me for a long time already and despite my best efforts shoving it down it just won't die. 

Thursday, June 07, 2018


 I'm 30 for crying out loud but I feel so inadequate. My life right now is on a loop but I hate to admit that I like the safe blanket I have right now. But I know something is lurking or the future is shaky if  I don't do something drastic. I worry a lot, I need to be ready but I can't make the first step. I second guess myself all the time. This is what frustrating me the most because the problem is me. I'm just so afraid of taking a risk. I really want to be selfish and do something that will only benefit me but I always think about them. They need me. I need them too. I hate to admit that I feel like I can't handle bigger adult problems. My confidence is at an all time low right now.

Saturday, May 19, 2018


I've been trying my best not to think about personal issues lately and I've been mostly successful as I focused more on work and other personal interests. But the previous day was rough it as if  life said to me "oh you think you can escape? Nope". But I think it's fine. Keeps me grounded. Keeps me from slacking off. Insecurity is such a nasty enemy that is so hard to defeat. But you just need to fight if off the best way that you can. I believe that acknowledging what you are truly feeling is a good step.
But for now, can I just wallow for  awhile? I'll get over this but for now I just want to put into words the feeling I have now. I'm drowning with "I'm a loser" thoughts right now. A few hours ago, I was folding our family's laundry which I usually do every Friday night.  The humid weather did  not help me as I just got more irritable and had these "poor me" thoughts. The thing is lately I've been witnessing friends entering new phases in their lives: Getting married. A baby on the way. A new job. Advancing in career. And where I am? Here perspiring like a mad man folding laundry. The truth of the matter this choice I made in my life is something I really don't hate or even regret lately.  I feel like I was really meant to be in this spot at this time. But damn I can't help but think of WHAT IF scenarios.

Friday, April 27, 2018


I want to learn to drive. I'm the only man in the family aside from my 9 year old nephew who doesn't know how to. No one ever encouraged me to do or even asked about it. I guess they know my fear. I want to learn but I'm afraid to drive. I'm a clumsy person. I'm afraid  of getting into an accident. Or worst run over a person. I know I'm so paranoid. But I just can't shake off the feeling

I know to get this over with. I have so many deficiencies in life and a lot of this is my fault because I let feat take over my life. I'm posting this so I can finally admit this fear in my life. I hope this is a first step.

I'm so behind a lot of things in life. There need to be changes. There must be

Saturday, April 21, 2018


You always try your best not to blame anyone but sometimes you just couldn't handle it anymore. You keep on thinking, if you did not let it happen, it wouldn't turn out to be this way. If you didn't let your paranoia creep into other people, maybe those people won't grow up being so.damned.afraid.of.doing.certain.things.. 

Of course you acknowledge that for things not to happen to you, you need to fight back the forces that brings you down or keeps you stagnant. You were simply not brave to test the waters and go against the grain. You choose to stay in the comfort zone to avoid stress, to avoid dealing with backlash, to avoid the possibility of failure. Instead of  thinking "what if it works", you automatically think "what if it doesn't" and bury your thoughts to the 

 You let fear beat you to the punch until you realize one day time is running out. Or maybe it already ran out. You are not sure if there's still time. You are not sure where are you going to end up anymore. What's worse you keep on comparing yourself to others and see how you are so behind with everything. You try not to think about it anymore. Focus your attention to something else. Focus to what matters to you right now but then there always things, instance, people that will keep  reminding you of the shitty feelings you are trying to bury into oblivion.

You acknowledge that self loathing, whining and complaining will not help you get anywhere. But you just need to let it out because everything is all bottled up. You are second guessing yourself all the time. You like giving advice to other people when you yourself have so many issues to deal with. You hate looking yourself in the mirror. You look like crap. But you know that goes beyond the physical but your reflection speaks so much of what you have become. 

You hate that you are a cliche. You hate that you actually fell into a stereotype. But you are okay with living in mediocrity because  it's still not the worst case scenario, Sometimes you wish you didn't take a leap of faith before because in hindsight you didn't really have what it takes to be that person you thought you could be. You should have chosen the safer road.because you just set yourself up with disappointment by following what you think is closer to your heart. You now think you made a bad call despite that path gave you one of the best memories of your life. 

You continue to daydream yet you don't want to aspire anymore. You just want yourself to be completely OK with the present. Yet you still couldn't shake off the feeling but maybe things will still turn around. You pray so hard that this isn't i. You can't help but still hope maybe this is just a roadblock that you will look back in the future and smile because you have survived and beat your worst enemy - you. 

Friday, March 30, 2018

Random Ramblings 6

I tried to sleep earlier but I couldn't do so. Instead, my mind was preoccupied of things that bother me. Both shallow stuff and real life issues. Maybe because it's Holy Week and I'm in a contemplative mood. I dunno maybe it's just typical me.


It's Holy Week and a lot has changed. When we were going to church yesterday we've noticed almost every fast food and grocery stores are open to business! Back in the day, there's hardly any business open and the atmosphere is quiet but now it feels like just a normal day. Back in the pre-Internet days as well, there's hardly any "entertainment" because the TV and radio stations go dark or have religious themed programming. Now it's just different. I admit I do like some of things we experience right now but I can't help but miss the simpler times. 


On the 10th anniversary of my college graduation, I resisted the urge to post something commemorating it on social media. I know that post will lead me to a road I don't want to go. Even if I try to mask it with positivism I know it wont sound true and I'm just kidding myself because I will wallow in self pity and make things bigger deal than it really is. I was successful in "ignoring" it on social media. No post whatsoever but not gonna lie on that day (heck days leading to that) I would have random thoughts about it. I even made the mistake of reading old blog posts 10 years ago and I was reminded me of one error I committed on my campus journalist days which until now still haunts me of how I was such a weakling back then which was probably was a sign how I will fare in the real world I guess. I hope someday I won't feel this way anymore. I don't like feeling like such a big loser in life.

My nanay is taking new medicines and we observed that she has been so moody and very impatient. I won't deny it's frustrating and draining. However, when she acts out I always think of the worst case scenario to put me in perspective and make me appreciate what I have now. "Others have it worst" I always say that to myself so I won't let my frustration beat me. It's really tough but you do what you have to do. 


We watched the local movie SEVEN SUNDAYS on TV earlier, I found myself relating to one character. It's a family (light) drama and it strikes a chord. It also made me wish some things about my present that I wish went on a different route. Overall I enjoyed the movie. 

Monday, February 19, 2018

Random Ramblings 5

Hey this blog turned 13 years old last Feb 5. I'm very glad blogger still exists despite social media stealing its thunder and people don't blog that much anymore in the traditional way (you know as an online journal). I hope blogger continues to stay for a long time. I would be sad to see it go like Multiply which had a lot of my college memories that went down with it when it closed down. This blog is my time capsule.


Also happy is still around. I've been a user since 2004 and a part of the moderating team since 2010. I admit I'm a little sad that the forum is not active as it used to be. I still keep in touch with a lot of friends I made there through social media. I've also been friends with the people behind the site and it's also a little sad because I was also a witness when a lot of them moved on to different careers and endeavors over the years. I wish for more years of PEx, this is also a great time capsule, not just personally but the Pinoy pop culture. I sometimes look up for some things and it's not unusual to see some old PEx threads show up. 


I had some mini-health scare recently. Well to be honest it really was just a simple coughs but I'm just really paranoid. What's great though is that I used our new HMO card for the first time and felt good to have to expensive lab tests free of charge. Medicines are expensive though! Still, I'm 30 and obese so I really have to take care of myself. I'm trying to lose weight, nothing drastic yet and it will take me a long time but I'm kinda proud of myself for eating more vegetables now. I just need more discipline with junk foods and sweets. Hopefully I can do it


I've been working for nearly ten years and I've been with my present company for nearly nine years and one thing I've noticed is that first quarter of the year is the "resignation season".  And as expected some office mates resigned in the past weeks. One of them is my video editor for TeleNovela Channel. I've been working with him I think almost four years. He was an intern that got absorbed in the company and is actually one of the longest video editor I had for this project. To be honest, it will be a hassle for me to deal with a new editor as I'm already used to our work rhythm but it was inevitable. People need to grow and sadly I know the video editing spot for this project doesn't offer that much in that regard. It's a good entry level job but has limitations . And the task gets boring as it really has a basic template on what to do. Wishing the best for my departing editor and hopefully the company will be able to hire someone as competent as him and easy to work with

I've been addicted to podcasts lately. At first it was because I just recentlyy discovered you can listento it on Spotify hahaha! The two I listen the most are Anna Faris' Unqualified which is celebrity interviews and counselling to callers and The Hollywood Reporter's Awards Chatter which is of course celebrity interviews but with focus on how they started in the industry which I find very interesting. I like celerity interviews on podcasts, the celebrities are more natural and less-PR driven. I like hearing their stories. 
And I also finally  understood the hype of the true crime podcast Serial which was so popular in 2014. I downloaded and listen to Season 1 and the case was really engaging and the production was top notch! But the case is sad and left me with a heavy heart. I probably won't listen to any true crime podcast anytime soon. I'll stick with the celebrity interviews

Monday, January 29, 2018

Random Ramblings 4

*Last week I did something that I was trying to avoid which was to watch 2 movies in the theater. I'm on a budget and watching movies especially in Metro Manila is just expensive to me now but that night I felt a little off for some reason so I needed an escape. I watched The Greatest Showman which got my interest because I really love the soundtrack and I love movie musicals. The movie was very enjoyable although I can definitely see why many critics did not like it. It felt a little rushed and there's some off pacing and story. I also read the real story behind the main character is so different than what was presented to the movie. But as a form of entertainment I really enjoyed. I liked most of the songs and I've been listening to the soundtrack on Spotify every day! The music is infectious!.
The other movie I saw is a local movie Ang Dalawang Mrs Reyes which surprised me a lot. The trailed made it look like a broad comedy about wives discovering that their husbands are gay and in a relationship. But the movie is so much more than that. It's a great dissection of not just sexual identity but also about relationships and dealing with pain. The "kabit" genre is so popular in Pinoy pop culture because A LOT of Pinoys could relate to it. The catty remarks these movies are so known for are probably a form of catharsis to a lot of Pinoys. But to be honest  most kinda felt shallow and does not really connect to a deeper level which what impressed me with Ang Dalawang Mrs Reyes because of the way they presented the pain that happens to people that got cheated on. It's thought provoking.On the sexual identity side, the movie was also quite educational. I didn't know there were so many facets to it. Not just gay, lesbian and bisexual. 
So yes I went over my budget but I somehow don't regret it because I watched two good movies. One great escapist entertainment and the other one made me ponder on things. How I wish I could afford to watch movies again on a weekly basis. Yes there are "ways" to watch at home but I love watching in the cinema. I feel more connected.

*The Good Place is one of my favorite TV shows right now and as the season comes to a close, I just want to say once again how this show fascinates. It's so unpredictable and I like how they discuss philosophy and ethics. Thought provoking but it never loses the humor.

*I had one tradition that I've been doing for the last few years that I thought of not doing anymore. It involves other people and I know the interest with this activity have dwindled over the years. I thought why should I bother anymore but I decided the last minute to continue doing it. The result is pretty much what I expected  but I'm okay with it and decided that I'll continue doing this as long as possible.  I still find it fun to do so it's OK if the interest is not as high as it used to be. 

*I hate looking myself in the mirror. I need to do something about this

Tuesday, January 09, 2018

Random Ramblings 3

*New year but still the same old feeling of discontent. I will do my best to get out of this phase as soon as possible. I was actually in good spirits for awhile because there were things to distract  me I guess. But today I blame my phone whose battery drained faster than usual so I was not able to listen to Spotify or radio on my commute back home. You see, I have at least an hour travel  and during the lull moments I often find myself thinking a lot of things so that's why I needed something to listen to so I won't have these thoughts overtaking my mind again. 

* A few weeks ago I had a chat with a friend and we were talking about her youngest kid who is entering senior high this coming school year. I asked what track is he planning to take and she said humanities because he wants to have a career in mass media. I jokingly told her that it's not the practical decision "look at me". We laughed it off. Earlier we had  a chat again and she told me that his son will still pursue that track even though she told him that it may not be practical and actually used my words as piece of advice. I was a surprised because I didn't mean to be that kind of cynical person who will trample on a young person's dream. What have I become? I admit I'm mostly pessimistic but of course deep in my heart I'm still a dreamer. 

*Browsing Facebook never fails to bring out a side of me I really hate. I rarely browse and the time I do I still stumble to something in my timeline that will once again trigger emotions I hate feeling. I saw a post from an acquaintance I met at a campus journalism workshop a decade ago. He is now based abroad and was interviewed by a local news channel to get his insights on a national issue. I was impressed and of course felt little again. He is going places and while I am basically.... I'll stop..

*Which brings me to this: This March will mark the 10th year since I graduated from college. I will try not to feel bad that whatever my goal back then never happened nor am I near where I thought would be at this point of my life. I will try to avoid 'how time flies" or "napag iwanan" thoughts. 

*I made a big deal in previous posts about my year end chart tradition if I should stop or not. Well basically I didn't fully abandon it but made some changes. I no longer tried to listen and list down multiple radio year end charts at once. I just listened to one station at night and stopped when we were about to eat (in previous years I had my headphones while eating). I guess I can call it a progress. 

Sunday, December 31, 2017

My Hot 100 for 2017

My favorite songs of the year!

1. Perfect - Ed Sheeran
2. That's What I Like - Bruno Mars
3, Remember Me - Coco cast
4. Sidekick - Dawin
5. Thunder - Imagine Dragons
6. Feels -  Calvin Harris Featuring Pharrell Williams, Katy Perry & Big Sean
7. HUMBLE. - Kendrick Lamar
8. Heavy - Linkin Park feat Kiarra
9. Dahil Sa'Yo - Inigo Pascual
10.Stay - Zedd & Alessia Cara

11. Shape of You - Ed Sheeran
12. Too Good at Goodbyes - Sam Smith
13. Slow Hands - Niall Horan
14. Despacito (Remix) - Luis Fonsi & Daddy Yankee feat Justin Bieber
15. New Rules - Dua Lipa
16. Truthfully - DNCE
17. Laro - Autotelic
18. Bahaghari - Sponge Cola
19. Reggaeton Lento (Remix) - CNCO and Little Mix
20. 1-800-273-8255 - Logic Featuring Alessia Cara & Khalid

21. He Like That - Fifth Harmony
22. Castle on the Hill - Ed Sheeran
23. Issues - Julia Michaels
25. I'm The One - DJ Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper, Lil Wayne
26. Sorry Not Sorry - Demi Lovato
27. Rain - The Script
28. Rich Love - One Republic feat Seeb
29. Back to You - Louis Tomlinson feat Bebe Rexha
30.  Beautiful Trauma - Pink

31. Something Just Like This - The Chainsmokers and Coldplay
32. Malaya - Moira Dela Torre
33. Versace on the Floor - Bruno Mars
34. Believer - Imagine Dragons
35. Cut to the Feeling - Carly Rae Jepsen
36. Million Reasons - Lady GaGa
37, Young Dumb and Broke - Khalid
38. Feel It Still - Portugal. The Man
39. Tayo Na Lang Kasi - Kyla and Jason Dy
40. Havana - Camila Cabello feat Young Thug

41. Paris - The Chainsmokers
42  Titibo Tibo - Moira Dela Torre
43. How Would You Feel - Ed Sheeran
44. Lutang - Ely Buendia and Itchyworms
45. I Feel it Coming - The Weeknd feat Daft Punk
46. Water Under the Bridge - Adele
47. What Lovers Do - Maroon Five feat SZA
48.  Itulog Mo Na Yan - Moonstar 88
49. Mama - Jonas Blue feat William Singe
50. It's Goin Down - Descendants 2 Cast

51. Just Love Ngayong Christmas - Various Artists 
52. What About Us - P!nk
53. Swalla - Jason Derulo Featuring Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign
54. Attention - Charlie Puth
55. Bad Liar - Selena Gomez
56.  Balewala - Brisom
57. Two Less Lonely People in the World - KZ Tandingan
58. Tulad Mo - TJ Monterde
59. Symphony - Clean Bandit feat Zara Larson
60.  Kaibigan Mo - Sarah Geronimo and Yeng Costantino

61. You Make Me Feel Like Christmas - Gwen Stefani feat Blake Shelton
62. Misteryo - Sarah Geronimo
63. Sign of the Times - Harry Styles
64. Glorious - Macklemor feat Skylar Grey
65. I Like Me Better - Lauv
66, Super Far - LANY
67.  How Long - Charlie Puth
68. Ikaw at Ako Pa Rin - TJ Monterde and KZ Tandingan
69. Unti Unti - Up Dharma Down
70. Extensyon - Inigo Pascual feat Aikee

71. Hard Times - Paramore
72. No Promises - Cheat Codes feat Demi Lovato
73, Slide - Calvin Harris feat Frank Ocean
74. Down - Marian  Hill
75. Look What You Made Me Do - Taylor Swift
76. Touch - Little Mix
77. Errors - Dawin
78. Nasayang Lang - The Juans .
79. It Ain't Me - Kygo feat Selena Gomez
80. One More Light - Linkin Park

81. Evermore - Josh Groban / Dan Stevens
82. Too Much To Ask - Niall Horan
83. Wild Thoughts - DJ Khalid feat Rihanna and Bryson Tiller
84. Power - Little Mix
85. Honest - The Chainsmokers
86. Love So Soft - Kelly Clarkson
87. Down - Fifth Harmony feat Gucci Manne
88. Chained To The Rhythm - Katy Perry Featuring Skip Marley
89. Christmas Eve - Kelly Clarkson
90. Let Met Go - Hailee Steinfeld & Alesso feat Florida Georgia Line

91.  ...Ready for It - Taylor Swift 
92. Another Day of Sun - La La Land Cast
93. Cool Down - James Reid
94. Scared to Be Lonely - Martin Garrix feat Dua Lipa
95. Beauty and the Beast - Ariana Grande and John Legend
96. The Cure - Lady GaGa
97. Echame La Culpa - Luis Fonsi feat Demi Lovato'
98. I Don't Wanna Live Forever - Zayn and Taylor Swift
99. Friends - Justin Bieber feat Bloodpop
100. If I'm Lucky - Jason DeRulo


My Hot 100 for 2016