Saturday, August 24, 2019

Repetitive

It's so frustrating that you know that it's just not gonna change... ever. You should always be on alert or else chaos begins. So tired of it. I'm tired of sumbat. I'm tired of nothing is really sincere, there's always something you need to owe to someone. So tired of trying to make things OK but know their temper should always prevail and one must bow down to. So tried to bottling emotions up and keeping resentments at bay.  Oh what hell-ish life this is. You really try your best to ignore it because when everything pacifies, it's all okay. But it keeps on happening in your unguarded moments.

I'm so unhappy really. But you must not show it. I keep trying to remind other people have it worst over and over again so this feeling won't eat me whole and keep things in perspective. Most of the time I succeed but there are moments like this as I type this that I am reminded it's really not the case. I don't want to whine but I want to let it all out to keep me sane so I can keep the facade that I can face this and battle all the negative energy being pushed at me.

But for how long can I keep this?

Monday, July 01, 2019

I wish there wasn't a but

Today is my 10th anniversary working for the same company. I made a blog about my first day 10 years ago here.

To be honest, I have mixed feelings. Of course I'm grateful to have a stable job for a decade already. A job in an area where I have so much interest and the company has really been a family to me

BUT

There's a but

I wish there wasn't a but.

I just feel like I should be happier and not just be okay. I don't want to leave to be honest because I really like it here. yes I hate to admit I wish it was more financially rewarding. I just feel like I deserve it.  And yes a part of me is frustrated because I feel like I'm way behind where I am supposed to be financially speaking at this point of my life. I'm not broke by any means but I just have enough to be okay. I wish there was more. I wish my financial status is stronger than where I am now.  I wish I could have saved more. I have savings but it's not as big as I hoped it would be. I wish I could have helped more with my family. I wish I could buy more stuff for my parents. They don't ask me that much but I wish I was the child who could really spoil them and give them luxuries. But no I can only give a little more than enough. I wish I have more so I can replace my laptop monitor. I wish I have more so I can have a printer again. I wish I have more so I can buy my nephew his own laptop. I wish I had more so I won't feel stressed when the going gets tough. I wish there was for me to buy those large clothes and pants that I need because I'm so fat right now and plus size attire is just so expensive. And yes I wish there was more for me to afford to take a risk. Try a business venture or send myself back to school to take a Master's degree.I wish I had more that I won't feel so terrible when I make an impulse purchase. I wish I had more so I can see a movie in a theater on a regular basis. I wish I had more so I won't feel so bad when I want something but I can't afford to do so.

Today is a personal milestone and I hate that there's a part of me that feels this way. This was not what I pictured my life to be 10 years ago. I hate to admit but it is what I feel right now

I want to feel better. I really do. I don't want to feel this way every single time I blog.

Friday, May 10, 2019

Unchanged

Elections on  Monday and I dread the results more than ever. It will be disappointing for sure. I can feel it with actual people surround me. Their choices, the people they will vote for. Charisma is deadly. People CHOSE to ignore the obvious and believes on thing that aligns with what they want to hear.

And the "woke" crowd I find problematic as well. I'm all for educating and enlightening people but the tone is just too antagonistic most of the times. What a lot of people don't understand,the more you berate, the more they don't listen. There's that sense of arrogance and superiority complex that turns people off.  I

This is such a difficult time. I blame social media in a way, easier access to misinformation propaganda.

I'm scared with the future. But you gotta hope.  You need to.

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Embrace the Meltdown

So tonight my mood was again ruined. It's so tough to deal with out of the blue meltdown. The emotional torture is too much. But I have to be understanding. I have to be sensible. I have to be kind.
Think that other people have it worst! Think that life isn't that hard compared to other people. Just think that way.

Thursday, February 28, 2019

FOURTEEN

This month this blog turned 14 years old! I'm really happy Blogger still exists up to this day. I kinda regretted that some of my key blogs died with Multiply before, I should have backed it up here hahaha

Anyway, this place has become a safe place for me of some sort. I hope that I will be able to write better this year and less with angst. Writing my angst here has been a good outlet for me to feel catharsis. But I wish I will be able to write some happier things soon. Less angst, more hope.

God please guide me

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Ten


On my first job interview, I was asked how do I see myself 10 years from now. I remember answering it confidently, “I will be working here on a managerial position fulfilling my passion as I lead the company to greater heights”. I pictured myself earning so well that I’ll be raising my own family with a comfortable lifestyle.  Flash forward today and those 10 years have already passed. This coming March, it had already been eleven years since I graduated from college. So where am I at this point in my life? 

 I was hired by that company but I lasted only three months because I felt that the working culture does not suit me. A few weeks later I accepted a job that is barely connected to the degree I finished but the salary was above average for an entry-level employee so why not? I did very poorly on that job and I resigned after five months. I wanted to spare myself of the embarrassment of getting fired so I quit before they could even do so. In less than a year after I graduated, I already had two short stint jobs. Things are not going the way I was hoping. Scratch that, my life is not heading to the path I wanted. I was so frustrated because back in school I was a very diligent student. I make cautious decisions because I want everything in order and fool-proof. Back-to-back failures are something I didn’t expect I would face post-graduation. Still, I marched on hoping to eventually find my place in the working world. 

One day I actually found myself facing an opportunity to work for a dream company. A job that I’ve been dreaming of since I was a child. But before I could say “yes”, the person interviewing me asked if I’m okay with the starting salary.  Only at that moment did I realize that I didn’t think what I will be earning. I was just too excited that I’m so close on finally landing that dream job. When I found out how much it is, my heart sank.  It was too low.  The interviewer was frank and told me that financial growth in that industry is slow and that only passion can help you last longer.  With a heavy heart, I declined the job offer. On my way home, I kept on thinking if I made the right choice. What if that was the only window of opportunity to pursue my passion? My heart wanted to take the risk but my brain stopped me. It was simply not practical to pursue a job where I would be on the losing end financially. Passion will not pay the bills. Back in college, I was so committed to pursuing my passion but the real world will indeed find a way to challenge the way you view life. 

Letting go of a lifelong dream was hard but I had to move on. When I entered my third job I swore to myself that no matter what challenge or stressful situation I face I won’t back down easily. Fortunately nearly ten years later I’m still here doing a job I’m interested in with a good enough income.  But am I near where I envisioned myself ten years ago? Not even close. Now in my early 30s it does worry me that I may never reach that goal. As much as my idealism withered over time, there’s still that fire in my heart telling me to not give up. Perhaps it will take another ten years or so before I will be the person I wanted to be ten years ago but I will continue walking forward.

Monday, December 31, 2018

My 10 Favorite Podcasts of 2018

My new passion this year is listening to podcasts! It started when I discovered there are available podcasts on Spotify and then I fell deep into the rabbit hole and discovered a lot of podcasts about a lot of things. My particular topic that I'm very into is narrative journalism! Podcasts are perfect to listen while I do paperwork at work and commuting (it actually takes my mind off traffic!). Anyway, here are the podcast that got my ears busy this year!

1. This American Life
- My absolute favorite because it is narrative journalism at its finest. This is a radio that started over 20 years ago and tells various stories under one theme each week. My favorite are the slice of life stories the best

2. Heavyweight
- This podcast features stories of individuals trying to resolved something in their past that was left unresolved. Each episodes are funny and emotional and I absolutey the host's dry humor as well.

3. Kind World 
- Short stories of people extending their hand to other people in various ways. This podcast somehow help restore my faith in humanity in this era of outlandish aggressive toxic behavior

4. Household Name
- Each a popular company brand is featured and unknown story about them is told. The often tell fascinating and engaging stories

5. Reply All
- A podcast about the Internet but not strictly about it as well. I love the episodes when they feature Internet subcultures I don't know existed and also stories about how some online event has led to bigger impact in real life

6. Serial
-of course the most popular podcast of them all. The first season is the most popular one and that's not a suprise because the way they narrated the crime was really engrossing. The latest season released this year was also fantastic as well as it deals with the criminal system

7. Start Up
- The podcast about starting a business, the first season was about the podcast company itsefl Gimlet and it was such an engaging journey. The later seasons were more flexible and not just strictly about start ups and business just like this year they released seasons about starting a Church and a charter school.

8. Endless Thread
- A podcast about stories that were found on Reddit! It's kind like Reply All in a way because it stories that stems from the Internet. The topics are as wide as the scope of Reddit is and the stories are always so fascinating especially when they get to interview the people behind the usernames

9. Imagine Life
- This is a narrative podcast where the listener is told the story of a famous person in second person point of view and they only reveal who the person at the end of each episode This is an immersive listening experience and it's actually quite fun when you figure out who the person is before the reveal due to the context clues they drop in.

10. Dr. Death 
- This is a podcast that really made me so mad as it is about a surgeon who is so inept that ultimately led to serious damage to a lot of patiens and worse death to some. What's more infuriating about this is how the system of being afraid to fire a doctor enable him to do this big damage.

My Top 10 Favorite Movies of 2018

Another year where I watched fewer movies than I would want . Anyway, there are 2017 releases but I've only seen them this year (or was released just this year). From the movies I've seen in the theater this year here are my 10 favorites of 2018!

10. Incredibles 2
- A fun and action filled sequel to the Pixar classic.

9. The Greatest Showman
- The story is just okay but the SONGS! The musical sequences elevated it to me.

8. Teen Titans GO! To The Movies
-Teen Titans Go! To The Movies is indeed a movie about getting a movie made. It sounds a little crazy on paper but it totally worked on screen as the humor is so wicked and sharp

7. Searching
Searching is a nifty modern thriller with strong emotional core that will you keep engaged from start to finish.

6. Ralph Breaks The Internet
- An imaginative and action filled sequel to the 2012 original. The sequence with the Disney Princesses was the highlight, so funny!

5. Smallfoot 
Smallfoot is a pleasant surprise as it went beyond simple kiddie entertainment as it explored deep ideas of bending the truth and blind faith

4. Exes Baggage 
I felt that this movie was able to capture a relationship by regular folks in this modern era and the soundtrack just added to a fantastic movie experience. And the ending I love it! Not exactly new but the way they build the scene was glorious.

3. Ang Dalawang Mrs Reyes
The movie was marketed as a broad comedy about wives discovering that their husbands are gay and in a relationship. But the movie is so much more than that. It's a great dissection of not just sexual identity but also about relationships and dealing with pain.

2. Changing Partners 
This Cinema One original is a fantastic and unique musical which tells the story of four couples of various gender and age gap (played by four actors switching characters) and firmly expresses that no matter what the differences, romantic relationship have similar struggles and challenges.

1. Signal Rock
-The story of the go-to guy of a remote community. This movie perfectly captured what it's like to be the shock absorber and how one takes the extra mile just to solve out problems and issues even if you are not really directly involved. It is also a loving portrait small town life and how the social community functions.

Favorites from the past years:

My 10 Favorite Comedy TV Series Episodes of 2018

Here is my annual rundown of my favorite episodes of the sitcoms/comedy programs I watched this year. Like in previous years for variety purposes I just chose one episode per show. 

(Check out my top 10 lists over the years: 20172016201520142013,2012)

1.  The Middle Season 9, Episode 24 "One Heck of a Ride"
- The final episode of one of my all time favorite TV shows. It was perfect end to this simple but relatable show. The finale had a great final shot of just the Hecks in a car where there best scenes of the series usually occur. I will definitely not forget this show.

2. Young Sheldon Season 2, Episode 3 "A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens"
- Sheldon's mother Mary had a crisis of faith and Sheldon unlikely helps her restore it. This is such a sweet episodes that showcased that no matter what the difference of beliefs, love can unite us all.

3. Superstore Season 4 Episode 5 "Delivery Day"
- Dina and Amy goes to labor at the same day and the episode showcased in a funny yet enlightening way the importance of health insurance you get from work and how drastically different it is for the working class. 

4.  Will & Grace Season 10 Episode 4 "Who's Sorry Now" 
-  Grace reads an old letter from Will back in the day they were dating and how he was struggling to tell her who he really is. I've been enjoying this series' revival and I'm glad that in an episode like this they never forger the root for the duo's strong friendship

5. The Big Bang Theory Season 11 Episode 24 "The Bow Tie Symmetry" 
- Amy and Sheldon gets married! Such a fun episode and glad to see it didn't have the classic sitcom wedding hijinks because that would be predictable. Later on they released two scenes that didn't make the final cut and it's a pity because those scenes involve MeeMaw and the late Stephen Hawking

6. The Good Place Season 2 Episode 9 "Leap of Faith"
-  In this episode, Michael reveals to Eleonor and company that they are indeed in the bad place and just when you thought the story jumps the shark but nope it takes them to another level which is exciting. I'm constantly amazed how this could reboot itself and still not run out of creative ways to move the story forward.

7. Speechless Season 2 Episode 18 "N-o-Nominee"
JJ wins two awards at a film festival and discovers one chose him because of his disability. I'm impressed with how the show handles having the central character with special needs without the usual patronizing like a lot of shows do and this episode perfectly showcased it

8. Bob's Burgers Season 9 Episode 3 "Tweentreprenuers"
- The Belcher kids encounter a taste of "corporate life" for a school activity. This show is just so clever on how they presented the essence of corporate politics on an Elementary school setting. 

9. Mom Season 6 Episode 9 "Jell-O Shots and the Truth about Santa"
- After nearly two years of absence, Christy talks to her daughter Violet again but in a podcast! This episode is again another example of how the show masterfully balances comedy and it's more serious tone of the struggles of redemption.

10. Disenchantment Season 1 Episode 1 "A Princess, an Elf and a Demon Walk into a Bar"
- My favorite new show of the year is this animated comedy from Netflix, Disenchanted is not the fairy tale you expect s it shakes up the medieval fantasy genre with its brand of imaginative wit and sharp puns

Sunday, December 30, 2018

My Hot 100 for 2018


My favorite songs of the year!

  1. Maybe The Night - Ben & Ben
  2. The Greatest Show - The Greatest Showman Ensemble
  3. Buwan - Juan Karlos
  4. High Hopes - Panic! at the Disco
  5. Mundo - IV of Spades
  6. Sana - I Belong to the Zoo
  7. Never Enough - Loren Allred
  8. Finesse (Remix) - Bruno Mars feat Cardi B
  9. This Feeling - The Chainsmokers feat Kelsea Ballerini
  10. Eastside - Benny Blanco, Halsey and Khalid
  11. New Light - John Mayer
  12. Isa Pang Araw - Sarah Geronimo
  13. The Middle - Zed, Marren Morris and Grey
  14. Akala - Marion
  15. Solo - Clean Bandit feat Demi Lovato
  16. Kung 'Di Rin Lang Ikaw  - December Avenue ft. Moira Dela Torre
  17. This is Me - Kealla Settle 
  18. Rewrite The Stars - Zac Efron & Zendaya
  19. Kathang Isip - Ben & Ben
  20. Done for Me - Charlie Puth feat Kehlani
  21. Happier - Ed Sheeran
  22. Sit Next to Me - Foster the People
  23. Takipsilim - Autotelic
  24. Sa Ngalan ng Pag ibig - December Avenue
  25. Girls Like You - Maroon Five feat Cardi B
  26. Hunger - Florence + The Machine
  27. Have it All - Jason Mraz
  28. Connection - One Republic
  29. Cebuana - Karencitta
  30. Kababata - Kritiko feat Kyla
  31. Dura - Daddy Yankee
  32. Say Amen (Saturday Night) - Panic! at the Disco
  33. These Days - Rudimental feat Jess Glyne and Macklemore
  34. Ako Muna - Yeng Constantino
  35. Stay - All American Rejects
  36. Di Na Muli - Itchyworms
  37. Don't Go Breaking My Heart - Backstreet Boys
  38. All The Stars - Kendrick Lamar feat SZA
  39. A Million Dreams - The Greatest Showman cast
  40. One Kiss - Calvin Harris feat Dua Lipa
  41. Give Yourself a Try - 1975
  42. Say Something - Justin Timberlake feat Chris Stapleton
  43. Rise - Jonas Blue and Jack & Jack
  44. Happy Now - Zedd and Elley 
  45. Just My Type - The Vamps
  46. Psycho - Post Malone  feat Ty Dolla Sign
  47. I Like It  - Cardi B, Bad Bunny and J. Balvin
  48. Pinipigil - Yeng Constantino
  49. One Day - Logic feat Ryan Tedder
  50. In My Prison - IV of Spades
  51. Fix You and Me - Kyla
  52. Kahit Ayaw Mo Na - This Band
  53. Happy for You - Jayda
  54. Side Effects - The Chainsmokers feat Emily Warren
  55. In My Feelings - Drake
  56. Boo'd Up - Ella Mai
  57. Youngblood - 5 Seconds of Summer
  58. No Tears Left to Cry - Ariana Grande
  59. Happier - Bastille
  60. Thru These Tears - LANY
  61. Para sa Tabi - BoybandPH
  62. Sa Mga Bituin na Lang Ibubulong - JM De Guzman
  63. Love Someone - Lukas Graham
  64. Di Ba Halata - Agsunta
  65. Tagpuan - Moira
  66. Taki Taki - DJ Snake feat Selena Gomez, Ozuna and Cardi B
  67. IDGAF - Dua Lipa
  68. No Excuses - Meghan Trainor
  69. Capital Letters - Haille Steinfeld
  70. Meant to Be - Bebe Rexha feat Florida George Line
  71. Never Be The Same - Camila Cabello
  72. I'll Be There - Jess Glyne
  73. Shallow - Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga
  74. Malibu Nights - LANY
  75. If You Leave Me Now - Charlie Puth and Boyz II Men
  76. Want You Back - 5 Seconds of Summer
  77. No Apology (Wala Akong Paki) - Karencita
  78. In My Blood - Shawn Mendes
  79. Sangria Wine - Pharell Williams feat Camila Cabello
  80. I'll Never Love Again - Lady Gaga 
  81. Only Gonna Love You - Kyla feat Req
  82. Whatever It Takes - Imagine Dragons
  83. Mic Drop (Steve Aoki Remix) - BTS
  84. Level Up - Ciara
  85. Come on To Me - Paul McCartney
  86. Di Na Muli - Janine Tenoso
  87. Nadarang - Shanti Dope
  88. Lake Effect Kid - Fallout Boy
  89. 2002 - Anne Marie
  90. Natural - Imagine Dragons
  91. You Are the Reason - Callum Scott
  92. Mas Mabuti Pa - Janine Berdin
  93. Love Lies - Khalid and Normani
  94. Lumang Tugtugin - Inigo Pascual
  95. Tahimik - Yeng Constantino
  96. Better Now - Post Malone
  97. End Game - Taylor Swift feat Ed Sheeran and Future
  98. Without Me - Halsey
  99. Midnight Sky - Unique
  100. Going Going Gone  Maddie Poppe

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Cold Uncertain

There's a cold war from two people close to me and it all started from such a petty issue but harsh words were said (on text!) and now pride couldn't make them set their differences aside. It's affecting the people surrounding them. I want to make a move to patch things up but not working. It's hard to be in the middle of such conflict. It makes me so uncomfortable and what sucks is that literally the day after I had a good day that incident happened. I can't be fully happy. It seems like there are things always stopping me from feeling complete bliss. I can't win.
I've been praying so hard the two work their issue out. Please let them work this out. Let me have this at least

***
Another key part of my life will undergo another change. I'm very worried about it to be honest. Not only my status there but that place as whole. All the people I knew who took care of that place have left one by one and now who is there left to take care of things? I'm so worried that it's the start of the end. The place is actually so different. A shadow of its former glory but it is still thriving and I hope in years to come

So much changes happening

***

Moments ago I tried to do something to fix an issue but looks like it failed. I don't know if I can handle this anymore

Sunday, December 02, 2018

Free

I have a dream where I can be free
Free from emotional drama
Free from being a shock absorber
Free of anxiety
Free of insecurity
Free of resentment
Free of guilt
Free of fear
But it's only a dream
Because life will never be totally free