During a time like this where I have so much internal struggles, I often stare at nothing and daydream. I don't know if this is healthy or not but it is soothing sometimes to dream if my life went another way. Perhaps I'm romanticizing the what ifs of my life because I'm just at a low point. I don't share to anyone what I truly feel, I have a wall where I don't let anyone take a peek. Based on past experiences and observations in general, when you open a part of your life it really does not lead to anything that makes one feel better, It just reopens wounds. Or worst people just don't get where you are coming and in the end tables are turned against you. So why bother right now? To be honest, if only I could afford one I may have consulted a therapist to help me process my life. Back in college, I loved talking to the guidance counselor just to open up and unload. I wish I had that one now in my adult life. But everything has a cost and that's why I don't have anyway. It's the source of my struggles in fact. All I can do right now deal it with myself and hope for the best. Crying helps too even if I do it quietly and late at night where no one can notice which is what I am right now. I console myself by thinking have it worst. I need to take everything into perspective so I won't stir drama or mess up even more. Of course this blog helps too. This is my emotional band-aid.