Hotspot

 We had an electric fan fixed and when my brother claimed it earlier, the repairman after finding out where we lived remarked that our subdivision has a lot of positive cases lately. We knew there were cases and some on our street as well but I didn't realize it was that many. The barangay Facebook does not do the daily covid cases updates anymore and frankly I stopped monitoring long ago too. But I did see an update where there was a disinfection drive here last weekend. If this happened last year, we would definitely be on hard lockdown and just imagine my mother won't be able to come home just yet.

I don't know what to feel. Should I be thankful? But the cases are alarming. I'm getting paranoid to be honest. 

When?

Because of Nanay's situation, I've been trying to avoid the news about the rising cases of the delta variant because it just makes me even more anxious. But you can't get away it and you have to learn what's going on. It's alarming, It's scary. It's exhausting. When will this end?

Sir Jun

 Sad to learn that former ABS-CBN/CNN Philippines newsman Jun Del Rosario passed away. He was my college professor and I've always enjoyed his classes where he basically just shares his experiences. He was also such a nice man and so accommodating. I was able to interview Henry Omaga Diaz back in college because of him. I remember the ABS-CBN guard was so strict and he wouldn't allow us but one call from sir Jun and we were let in that easily. To be honest, he is not really academic type and his classes tend to go all over the place but I LOVE when he shares his experiences as a broadcast journalist. I learned a lot with his insights. He has also has this warm presence. 

It was a privilege to know you sir! Rest in Peace.

13

 My nephew turned 13 today! Our little boy is now officially a teenager! An angsty teenager at that! But he has a sense of maturity especially how he handled Nanay's situation. My nephew is a brave one. It sucks he is entering his teenage years in a pandemic and not interacting with kids his own age in person. He has a circle of online friends on Roblox which makes him happy and I definitely can relate to that as I have formed friendships online via forums, some even lasting more than a decade too! My birthday wish for my nephew is good health as always and that he can go back safely in face to face school at least first quarter of 2022 at least!

Hopeful

A full day of Nanay back at home and I'm really happy to see her recovering well. She just stays in the room as instructed by the doctor. So far she's handling things good. I was in a bad spot when I learned about the condition but seeing my mother's disposition is making me feel stronger and hopeful that she will beat this battle and come out victorious. 

Home!

After 3 weeks at the hospital, Nanay is finally home! She's so happy to finally be here and has positive attitude toward her recovery. Than you Lord! Please continue guiding my mother

 

Battle

 In the biggest challenge of my life, I feel like I'm losing. I'm managing to be tough and brave when talking to Nanay and my family but inside I'm losing it. I'm thinking a lot of negative scenarios. I'm just worried and so scared. To be honest, my faith is in crisis too. I just can't understand WHY. I hate feeling that. I hate questioning that. I'm shaken by everything that's happening. Lord please heal my Mother, I'm begging you. 

Fear

 I still can't accept Nanay has cancer. While I did research that the chances of beating this is high, I'm still scared. I'm worried for Nanay's mental health. I'm sure she's so scared right now. The same with Tatay. He lost 3 brothers the past 2 years and now his wife's health is in jeopardy. I'm so scared as well but I need to be brave for them even if I'm dying inside. I just talked to Nanay awhile ago and her voice is weak, granted she's in medication and still recovering from surgery but still I can't help but think that we are starting to lose her. NO! I want to stop thinking like this but I can't help it. Oh God please don't let it happen. 

Three

 My mother's breast removal surgery has just been finished and it was successful thank God. However, it was confirmed that she has cancer. Stage 3 breast cancer. She will have to go chemotherapy. I'm feeling a of emotions right now but what's important is for Nanay to survive. Please Lord guide and bless my mother. 

Mastectomy

 Nanay is scheduled for operation tomorrow. Talked to her a few minutes ago and she's more than ready. . My sister told me that at least it didn't reach her armpit which would make the surgery more complicated. I feel my father is nervous too so I need to boost his confidence tomorrow because it is a major operation so it will take longer than her biopsy and Tatay was so worried at that. After the operation, Nanay will have 3-4 days to recover and that will give us time to settle bills too. But I'm not gonna think deep about it for now and just focus on Nanay's operation tomorrow. Praying that everything will run smoothly and complication free

Pleas

 My sister told me that Nanay's biopsy results could finally be released tomorrow. Still not definitive but chances are good. To be honest, I'm quite nervous what the results will be but we need to know soon enough so we can proceed to the next procedure which is the operation. If she gets the results tomorrow, she could be scheduled for operation on Wednesday. I hope things will turn out fine. Please Dear Lord, listen to our pleas.

Protect

 My sister said Nanay's biopsy results could come out on Tuesday and operation the next or Thursday. Praying hard for favorable results. Also praying Tatay will finally get his first dose of the vaccine tomorrow too. Last week he planned to do so but no first dose was available. The rising cases of the delta variant is really worrisome, please protect my family particularly my parents dear Lord.

1-2-1

 Tokyo Olympics almost over and my country had its best Olympics performance ever with 4 medals (1-2-1) winning the Gold for the first time ever! Came close for a 5th medal at Men's Gymnastics landing 4th and in the top 10 for women's skateboarding and women's golf plus first pole vaulter to make it to the finals. I've followed the Olympics when I was 9 in 1996 when we won a silver in boxing but succeeding Olympics ZERO until 2016 with a surprise silver win in women's weightlifting who eventually gave our first gold this year! We won 3 more medals in boxing which were all so fun to watch. It was just so fun to follow this year because we are so used to losing lol. I hope this isn't just a fluke year and we could do as good if not better in 2024

Dealing withmy nanay's health issue plus with the rising COVID cases here again, my anxiety was on another level but the Olympics gave me a temporary reprieve.

Another Day 1

 First day of another ECQ and we basically stayed at home. Nanay was able to talk to Tatay via video chat this time around and they were quite happy about it. Still another day with no biopsy results but hopefully this is worth the wait. Favorable results please!!! Worked from home today and very glad I have a video editor who is so efficient. I can go to office actually but maybe just once a week, I'll observe first how this system work. I don't want so much hassle or stress from checkpoints and all. Day 1s are always messy. There are over 10K cases again today. What's worse pandemic never stops politicking. I'm afraid of next year's election. Please Lord, free the Philippines from this chaos. Let more people please see the light. I'm so worried and sick of everything that's happening. 

ECQ Eve

 Eve of the return of ECQ in Metro Manila while the status here in Cavite remains in question as there are talks that pushes to be move from GCQ to ECQ. I really hope not because it will add more difficulty especially as my mother is still in the hospital. It's been 2 weeks and Nanay is still in the hospital waiting for the biopsy results before she can proceed to the operation. Good thing is she is in good condition but the waiting for the results is a challenge. She could actually be discharged and come back when the biopsy results are out and to prepare for the operation but that means she'll have to take the COVID19 test again and room availability could be an issue. So we decided to just wait it out at the hospital for her safety especially with the delta threat. But the bills.... We are still managing the best way we can (thanks to those who helped around!) as Nanay's health is the priority. Tough but we are hopeful.

First Dose

 Finally had my first dose of the vaccine. It's not the brand that I prefer but it's hard to get vaccinated here. It took 2 months from registering to getting scheduled so whatever was available I took it. And to be honest, I really want to have a vaccination card since sooner or later it will really become essential on how things will operate here. The upcoming ECQ season 3 feels like it's gonna be messy so I decided to work from home tomorrow as it is the last day before ECQ in Metro Manila so I think it will be extra stressful going home. That's why I needed to have that vaccination card just in case it will be needed to move around and do stuff. 

Continuing to worry for Nanay's health in the middle of all this pandemix anxiety is really driving me insane. 

Please Please Please

 I received financial assistance from the office for my Nanay's hospitalization. Truly grateful for the company as it is a big help too as expenses pile up every day as we wait for her biopsy results and hence the operation schedule. It's hard to think about Nanay's health at the same time the expenses. My father was also busy trying to ask for financial help too and I really feel so bad that he has to do that because none of us 4 kids earned strong enough that this stuff should have not been a problem as we just prioritize Nanay's health and not worry about finances, worried about savings getting wiped out because of a medical emergency. This is truly one of my heartbreaks in this crisis we are experiencing. But anyway as long as Nanay will be safe and healthy in the end, nothing else matters. So please Lord listen to our prayers

Scheduled

 A few minutes ago I finally received the text message from Makati where I work that I finally have my schedule of vaccination on Wednesday 11AM at Makati Coliseum. Most likely I will get Sinovac which I won't like not my preferred brand but at this point I'll take what I can get because I just want to be vaccinated at this point especially with the Delta variant spreading like wildfire. 

Waiting Continues

 Nanay will have blood transfusion tomorrow while we're still waiting for the biopsy results. Hopefully, we get it next week and the schedule for operation too. Waiting is hard but we need to be patient. Today I went to the market and grocery. It's quite touching when the vendors ask where Nanay is especially Ate Aida, her suki for tilapia. She was so concerned. I hope Nanay will get home soon enough.

In Charge

 No results for Nanay's biopsy yet but I'm avoiding thinking about it lately to avoid getting stressed about it lately as to not affect Nanay and the rest of my family's mood as well. I went to Nanay earlier to give Tatay's monthly pension and may house contribution from my salary because Nanay is still in charge of managing the house expenses and not allowing her to do it will dampen her mood and that's what we are avoiding for her to feel too. She instructed me earlier about the grocery and the market purchases. Good thing I was basically her assistant since the pandemic began so I'm familiar with her suki and product preferences. Plus I know how to budget the money as well too

But still I hope we can do the grocery and weekly market visits soon enough.

Dear Lord please heal my mother as soon as possible.

Again

 ECQ is back next week in Metro Manila due to rising Delta variant of COVID19. It will be from Aug 6 to Aug 20. At least there's a week notice this time so I can prepare for work related stuff. But not gonna lie this new round of ECQ is already stressing me out. Thankfully, here in Cavite it will still be GCQ so visiting Nanay at the hospital won't be as complicated if it was ECQ.

Everything happening is just overwhelming. 

Coin

 It's been a week since we had the biggest scare of our lives. Nanay is doing fine at the hospital, preparing for her operation. We are still worried but we are getting by, hopeful that everything will be fine in the end. Thank you again to all who reached out and helped out. You all been a big help, not just financially speaking but also a morale booster as well. Kindness and compassion goes a long way.

***

I was at the bank earlier because I had to replace my payroll ATM card because for some reason any machine is rejecting saying invalid transaction and yet it is accepted when I use it as debit card (like in the hospital where my mother is confined) which was causing unnecessary stress at this time. Anyway, when I left the bank a little girl approached calling me "Sir" and asking for spare change.  I got emotional because the girl does not look like a typical street kid. She was dressed fine, clean and had a little sling bag. I dunno I felt like maybe this isn't really something she usually does and maybe she was forced to do it out of desperation and maybe there's a family emergency. I gave her a 5 peso coin and she was very thankful.  Maybe it's a hunch or maybe I'm just sensitive lately because of this current ordeal but I felt like I saw myself on that little girl. Doing something you don't normally do because of your family. I really hope the girl is in good hands. 

One Thing Over

 Nanay's biopsy was done late afternoon today and she was in recovery room for a couple of hours. I got a little stressed because Tatay was so anxious and worried. I'm sure he was thinking of the worst. When my sister finally texted that Nanay is already out of the recovery room and is now in her regular room, he was visibly relieved. They were able to talk awhile ago. Tatay is in a better mood now.

Next step is now we wait for the findings of the biopsy which will take a few days. Oh Dear Lord please guide my mother. It's gonna be a long wait but we need to be as calm as possible.

Next Step

 Nanay is scheduled for biopsy tomorrow. Praying for the least worrisome outcome. She'll stay there until the schedule of her operation because if she gets discharged and goes home, she'll have to get another swab test for COVID19 and the other pulmonary clearances and financially it will cost us more plus the health risk as well. We are preparing financially now, using savings and also asking for help. It really depresses me we are not in better financial state to not worry about this. But right now it's all about Nanay's recovery. Please Lord, guide my mother. 

GOLD

 The Philippines finally won a GOLD medal courtesy of weightlifter Hidilyn Diaz! I got emotional when it was finally official! What made Hidilyn's victory even more emotional is that she did against odds such as lack of funding and got red tagged by the government and was attacked by their troll army on social media wishing for her to lose. Also today is the last state of the nation address of our president which is torturous per usual but Hidilyn winning that elusive GOLD the same day, she stole the headlines rightfully so!

It was such a good personal mood booster to me too because while my mother is in good and stable condition, she will still have procedures on the horizon that's making me anxious but gotta stay strong for her and my family. This GOLD triumph at least gave me a pause of stressing things out 

1/3

It was  sight of relief when the COVID19 test result came out for Nanay and it was negative. It is mandatory to every patient who will be confined to have it and it was stressing us all out so surviving that at least gives us one less thing to worry about. Since she was no longer a PUI, she was moved to a room where visitors (one at a time) are allowed and I was able to visit. I was happy to see Nanay in good spirit and she looks better too. Still, we still have to wait some more test results for the next procedure of her condition. Praying hard for favorable result or the one that less worrying. I also settled some of the hospital bills today and 1/3 of  what I paid that came from people who helped me when they saw my tweet asking for help. It's such a big help to me and something I will never forget for the rest of my life. Deep inside I still feel ashamed that I had to resort to do that because it is a reflection of the kind of life I have but no regrets because I did this for my family. Although no one in my family knows I did this that's why I only did this on twitter and not on FB where they will know. I will never forget the generosity, compassion and kindness those people have shown to me. I promise that once our situation is better, I will find ways to give back or pay it forward.

The Long Wait

 I was quite embarrassed with what I did yesterday by asking for financial help here and on twitter but I just felt desperate, my mind is swarmed with so many thoughts, possibilities, problems. Nevertheless, I'm extremely grateful to those who were generous to share what they can, I even got help from total strangers. One day I will find a way to give it back and pay it forward as well. I will never those who didn't think and helped right away. Currently, we are waiting test results and I'm going mad waiting but when I talk to Nanay on the phone, I'm composed and positive because she's not showing any signs of fear and even still did her Nanay duties and remind us on what to cook, the laundry and stuff. Oh Dear Lord please heal my mother, please don't let the bad scenario happen. I'm begging you God please

Help

My mother was rushed to the hospital due to bleeding in her breasts. She will likely be operated. I never thought one day I would do this but tough times. If you can help us financially, please send it on my GCash 09154528448. Thank you and pls help pray for my mother too.

Pain

 Nanay is rushed to the hospital because one of her breast is bleeding. My siblings are with her right now and I'm here with Tatay and my nephew awaiting news. There's so much in my mind right now. Is it my karma for being irritated at her earlier? Why Lord? I did nothing but take care of her despite my frustrations, her healthy is always a top priority. Am I being punished for complaining about some of my grievances which in hindsight feels so small with what we are facing right now?  Oh Dear Lord please protect my mother, Please....

Comfy

Raining all day and there's a typhoon. I made sure to finish work tasks at the office today so I can just work from home tomorrow because it does not seem like the rain will stop tomorrow. The weather is so cold that I drank paracetamol because I felt cold and have some body aches, you know signs of flu but no coughs and colds so all good. You can't have flu at this moment of time really. And now I'm sleepy because of the medicine and the cold weather is so inviting to just stay comfy in bed. I do hope this won't be a disruptive typhoon.

Alarming

 It was raining all day and the tonight the weather is cold. I feel so sleepy but I'm still waiting for some work related thing. I hope it doesn't rain hard tomorrow so my commute to work won't be a hassle. I'm thinking of working from home tomorrow but I do have an urgent task I need to take care off early because delta variant cases are rising and I'm afraid another stricter quarantine is on the horizon and may affect my work. This endless cycle is so frustrating, non-stop worries. 

Delta

So the cases of Delta variant of COVID19 infections are rising all over the world. Alarming and exhausting. I do hope the countries with strong vaccination rates (of reputable brands) will see lower cases of  hospitalizations and more importantly death just to show how vaccination is important and the key to ending this nightmare. I'm still unscheduled for vaccination while I'm seeing a lot of people I know ,including my brother, got their second shot. I feel envious but I'm willing to wait of course and hopefully when the times I will get a vaccine brand I prefer where I feel safer. For now, all we could is not let guard down and continue to be cautious. But I admit I'm tired of this already but I've accepted the end is so far. 

Sneaky Introspection

 So I wanted something light, basic and familiar to watch to drown these sad feelings I've been feeling lately and I watched the 1996 romcom The Mirror Has Two Faces. The movie just came into my radar lately because of a day I went through Oscar trivia about Original Song nominees (this is the movie where FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE came from). Anyway, it's a New York based romcom and I'm sucker for this. It was also nice to see younger Barbra Streisand and Jeff Bridges do romcom. The movie had the centerpiece of being in a relationship (getting married) because of a personal connection beneath the sexual passion and how sex ruins romantic relationships. It's quite ridiculous on paper but how it actually played out to the story made some quite sense in a way and touches on inner insecurities and longing people do. Of course, it did end up the way you would expect a romcom would do and of course this is what I wanted when I wanted this movie. It made me feel good! Although there was scene with Barbra's character talking to her mother played by Lauren Bacall where the mother said about in hindsight at her age she felt bad when she realized she settled and maybe she could have done something more. She thought she had more time but now she's old and yet inside her she doesn't feel it. Oh yeah that was a gut punch. Funny how I wanted a distraction yet I still ended up making me think about stuff bothering my life lately!

Stare

 During a time like this where I have so much internal struggles, I often stare at nothing and daydream. I don't know if this is healthy or not but it is soothing sometimes to dream if my life went another way. Perhaps I'm romanticizing the what ifs of my life because I'm just at a low point. I don't share to anyone what I truly feel, I have a wall where I don't let anyone take a peek. Based on past experiences and observations in general, when you open a part of your life it really does not lead to anything that makes one feel better, It just reopens wounds. Or worst people just don't get where you are coming and in the end tables are turned against you. So why bother right now? To be honest, if only I could afford one I may have consulted a therapist to help me process my life. Back in college, I loved talking to the guidance counselor just to open up and unload. I wish I had that one now in my adult life. But everything has a cost and that's why I don't have anyway. It's the source of my struggles in fact. All I can do right now deal it with myself and hope for the best. Crying helps too even if I do it quietly and late at night where no one can notice which is what I am right now. I console myself by thinking have it worst. I need to take everything into perspective so I won't stir drama or mess up even more. Of course this blog helps too. This is my emotional band-aid. 

2 Weeks

So I was approached about this concern I have and at least I didn't have to make the first move again. Just as I suspected, it got lost and was forgotten but it will be given to me. I just have to wait yet again. Here we go again but at least there's progress now but I still continue to struggle. Such a difficult time and I can't unleash what I'm truly feeling as I'm afraid to get more problems or find things to get more stressed about. I'm having a hard time. That's pretty much it. 

Another One

And once again what I was hoping to get today didn't happen. I'm so tired. In typical fashion, I'm having apprehensions on what I should do next. How can I fight for myself? My emotions are high so I don't want it to overwhelm because I need to be as calm as possible. But what if because of this mindset I have to be careful with what I say, careful to not rock the boat, is what it is really hurting me all my life. The reason why I often lose in life. Turning 34 in 2 months, a full pledged adult yet I feel like I'm not one. I'm so sad right now. 

Crossed Fingers

 Tomorrow let's see if I will finally get what I deserve or will it be conveniently forgotten again. I hope if the latter happens yet again I will be courageous enough to be assertive. I've been struggling the past 2 weeks but maybe this is what I needed to feel to push myself and fight for what is due to me because I badly need. Please let me brave tomorrow in case the worst happens yet again. But it will be better if I just get it with no more stress and hassle. 

No Please

 So a recent survey came out for next year's elections and yeah not liking it. But I guess it's a consolation that the lead is not so wide so anything can happen in less than a year. Oh please something better good happen. I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of everything and I want to look forward to something better, someone new, someone I can find hope for. I'm so worried.

#PEx22

 I was not there when PEx started, I was just 12 and had no Internet access! But I learned about it because they had a radio show Speak Easy hosted by  Mister Dean. Joined in 2004, became a moderator in 2010. PEx will always be a home to me no matter what. I made a lot of real life friends here from this platform. Happy 22 years and MORE years to come!

Hanging and Floating.

Struggling lately with expenses. I'm not in debt or anything but so many responsibilities that I haven't been able to add money on my savings account for the past 2 months and it's really making me sad. But I'm surviving day by day.. I'm just afraid I'm not investing enough for my future though. So please Lord keep me and my family safe especially health concerns. 

That's why I need to keep my mind preoccupied as much as possible so I won't be alone with thoughts. I don't want to ponder so much anymore. I need to stop whining. 

Rotura

 I was planning to do something productive today but changed my mind! After running errands in the morning, I did nothing useful but listen to Spotify and fall into the YouTube rabbit hole. However, my idle time was partly connected to my work in a way I was adding songs on the TeleNovela Channel Spotify playlist and watched "entradas" of various telenovelas for nostalgia purposes and also checking out the others. I don't know why I subjected myself to this today but it was kind of fun. I've been doing this job which mostly exposed me to Mexican soaps and it's part of my system now! 

Chin Up

 Just finished doing a bunch of work a while ago! There were a lot of circumstances that tested my patience today but I carried with the goal of finishing everything I needed to do! No time to slack! It was good though because being preoccupied like this is quite good for my well-being. I do hope all this hard work will pay off soon enough. I'm so used to underselling myself but what I did this past few days I'm quite proud of and I really hope I get my due. I deserve it.

Pumped

Hectic day at work today because I had to help out with a co-worker's task who is on leave. I think she's preparing for her wedding and she actually invited me but I had to decline attending because well it's in Bulacan so travel will be hard especially in a pandemic. She understood it and I think she invited me out of courtesy which is nice of her. Anyway, back to today's job! I didn't mind helping out but it was quite a challenge managing time as I juggle various tasks! It didn't help me I had technical issues with the other task that I was helping out! But things got resolved before the end of my working day. I just finished some tasks too! I decided to do it tonight at home even if I can do it tomorrow but I have this work adrenaline right now so I continued. Hopefully tomorrow will be a less tight because of doing this advanced work earlier. Despite the little stress I had today, it felt good to be this productive. I have no time in my mind to dwell on my anxieties.  

RIP Nang Carla

 A neighbor who were closed to my siblings when they were teenagers passed away yesterday. She has been struggling with her illnesses for a long time already but she fought on. I still remember her pre-pandemic attending masses weekly in the chapel inside our subdivision. She was a subdivision and church leader so she was quite a prominent figure here in our place. She will be missed. Rest in Peace 'Nang Carla. God bless your soul.

Short End of the Stick

 While I did try to manage my expectations, I still can't help but feel disappointed when I didn't get what I was hoping to receive today. But what else is new? I always lose out. Maybe there are other days but I dunno maybe it won't happen anymore. I should be used to losing out at this point but I never learn and I always get my hopes up that maybe things would be in my favor for once but nope it rarely happens. 

Snippets 14

 So I received a text earlier which hopefully finally lead to the confirmation of something I've been wanting to have for the past 4 months. I should have followed it up more but I'm so apprehensive because  I don't know what the right approach is and I'm just shy sometimes even if I deserve this one. Hopefully, it will finally happen. 

***

Tatay is finally interested in getting vaccinated. Seeing our neighbors his age getting one helped a lot to convince him. We almost did it earlier but the line was so long and there's a lot of people so not yet because we are avoiding crowds. But at least he is decided to get one once the next schedule is up. Nanay I think is getting close to getting one. I don't want to be pesky because I want them to decide on their own because if we insisted, they will just push back.

***

ABS-CBN lost a top talent last week and it really made me sad because it is a testament of how much they have lost. It will be a year since the congress denied their franchise application. It still sucks a year later. I don;t know when they will ever get it back. I wish they do soon enough

Source

 Excellent investigative journalism former VOX reporter Johnny Harris! He has his own YouTube channel and it's so good and top content. In this video,  he is digging deep into the theories where COVID19 came from but without going the "conspiracy" route. And the comments are generally sensible and respectful. A YouTube rarity! 

Waiting Game...

I checked Makati's vaccination site to check my status and I'm not yet scheduled. It's only been a week since I registered but I'm definitely envious of those people I know who already have at least one dose. But well  I have no choice but to wait. I really hope when the time comes that I will be scheduled I will receive a vaccine I would prefer but yes I will accept whatever is given to me no doubt. 

Streak

 I've been blogging daily for over a year now. It has become a habit and while sometimes I forced myself to write something, anything, just to keep the streak going this has become helpful to me in a lot of ways. It helps me declutter my mind. It helps me to unload my emotion. It definitely keeps me in check as well. Maybe it helps me improve my writing as well? Nah, I'm still a mess. But anyway this blog has existed for 16 years there were a lot of years I've only written at the end of the year but then the pandemic changed that. I hope that I will be able to write less angst in the future but glad to have this outlet and hopefully Google will not junk Blogger anytime soon. This has been a nice time capsule. 

Pieces

 The second half of 2021 has started just like that. Everything still feels slow. Everything is still bleak. I'm not sure if I have adjusted with the current situation or I'm just going through the motions. I am trying my best to not fall completely to hopelessness but it's really hard to do so. I'm just incredibly frustrated from personal matters to the state of my country. I do remind myself constantly that my life is still generally okay. It truly is but I just feel incomplete. There's a missing piece or maybe even pieces. While listening to a podcast doing work, there was a topic about if you could turn back time what would you do? I've asked myself that question. What would have I done differently? 

A Year

 So today marks the first year of my hybrid work from home and office setup. It's been really a challenge, commuting is quite expensive because of carpools, managing to maximize my time in the office and of course the dangers of being out there in the public. In that one year, I've experienced two return to ECQs that added another difficulty in fulfilling tasks but I honestly prepared for those instances thankfully because I don't want to be caught off guard and have my work affected. Anyway, despite the challenges of the past year, I'm very grateful to have a job these days. And hey it will be my 12th year working here. It amazes me that I lasted this long to be honest but I'm grateful to find a home. 

Cracks

A political squabble happened today and it's such a headache. The elections is less than a year away so the knives are out. I'm really terrified of what will happen next year. Could we really go even lower than were we already are? There's was also a recent arrest of a YouTuber for cyber libel. That person immediately spilled the beans that he is a paid troll from a political figure. It's not shocking anymore but to have it confirmed just makes me feel so frustrated. Oh dear Lord please guide this country's voters. Please....

Long Lasting

This pandemic definitely has changed me a lot, as I really have more worries personally and in the grand scheme of things in my country

I will now forever be worrying about my parents' health now more than anything really.

Worried for my nephew and generally the young students here, online school/module learning just isn't it. The quality of education for the middle and lower class is struggling pre-pandemic what more now?

So many businesses closed, struggled, just getting by. I've been back working at the office for nearly a year now and this business district where our office is located is still so eerily quiet.

The pandemic also has been used by our corrupt politicians, they just got more powerful. The elections are next year I'm worried about what the results will be. I don't trust how the general populace thinks here. I mean despite all the mishandling, once they received cash aids they are all so thankful  and forgetful like we owe it to the politicians because they are so kind and not because this is their responsibility. 

The relationship between the government and the general public here is so emotionally abusive.

More than the health hazards really, I'm just more worried and angrier with our current political climate as a result of the pandemic management. That's gonna stick for a long time I'm afraid.

What It Is

It is looking vaccination here in my hometown will take a lot of time so I decided to register in Makati because they vaccinate non-residents who are working there. I was hesitant before because the brand of vaccine they've been administering is not my preference But upon doing research, I made peace with the possibility of getting this vaccine because it still provides some protection... better than nothing. I hate that I had to lower my pride and likely settle for it but I need to thin of the bigger picture. A lot of my officemates got scheduled for vaccination quickly upon registering so that was an encouragement too. I hope I get scheduled next week. Not gonna lie, still hoping and praying I would land on a vaccine brand  I prefer just like my brother who got vaccinated this week, he was expecting that widely available but less desirable brand but surprised he got the most trusted one! May the odds be in my favor too but if not I'll accept

Decency

 Today the 15th president of the Philippines Benigno Simeon "Noy" Aquino III was laid to rest today. I didn't expect to be this emotional while watching it. As I've said before I didn't vote for him and was not really passionate with his term but after what I've witness the past 5 years, I have a new perspective now. All day people close to him or admired him would say the word 'decency'. He truly was a decent man. We can criticize him and his decisions without fear of getting trolled or attacked by 

"And I will never be dominated!"

I've been so busy at work this week that I've been in the office everyday because I need to take care of a lot of important matters including launching THREE new shows in a month! Of the new shows, this one LA CANDIDATA is my favorite because it's such a different premise for a telenovela! It's edgy and intriguing!  Below is the trailer we made and I'm really glad my new video editor is so easy to work with and is passionate with TV shows too so I have no problems with him at all! He is actually not a new editor but he is new to this project and really glad I'm now working with someone that's adaptable and truly understands what is needed for this channel! 

 

Farewell PNoy

 Former president Noynoy Aquino died today. I was shocked. While I admit I didn't vote for him and I did had my fair share of complaints during his administration but in hindsight, he is a competent and most importantly a decent man. I miss having common decency with those people in power. I long for those times especially during the last 5 years. Farewell PNoy, you are missed. 

PreVax

 I'm so excited to get vaccinated! But the demand is high right now and I have no schedule yet but a lot of people surrounding me are getting vaccinated so I really hope to get one soon but I really want to get a brand I like!!! But I'm coming to terms that whatever I'll get, I'll accept as long as I get the protection. But please let an ideal brand land on my shoulder once the time comes!!! I've been reading and watching materials relating to COVID19 vaccines to get myself educated. I trust science of course and never really doubted it despite so much skepticism is being spread around. But researching is helping me better understand this and also if I ever be in the situation where I have to explain this to people who are skepticl or worst fear mongering, I have a fact-based statements to say! This one from VOX which explains why side effects are a good thing is so educational and made me understand our immunity system more.

FOMO

 I'm definitely feeling envious about getting vaccinated now but I really need to time it carefully when the vaccine I'm more comfortable with is widely available. The demand right now is very high but hey I need to be patient and also careful as well. 

Conscious Effort

If the past days are telling me something is that today will be hell and I'm escaping it. Just for a couple of hours today because I will still deal with endless stressful situations later on but I choose not to bury myself with stress all day. I've had it. I need a break for a few hours. 

Exhausted

...... in more ways than I can handle.

I'm training myself to not care that deep anymore even though it's in my nature. Maybe caring a little less will make me happier or at the very least not to sink further in the abyss of frustrations. How much can I even do anymore at this point? Maybe just caring right in the middle will make me feel less troubled. I should give some space for selfishness.... or self care whatever. Maybe apathy is the way to go? I don't know, I'm just sick of the cycle. 

Medium

 So some family members are having conflict right now with each other that I'm the one being the bridgeway for them to communicate.  All the issues are so so shallow but I don't know pride takes over? I know it will eventually die down and they will just talk normally as if nothing happened. It's a common thing here, it's so exhausting but what can I do and be the mature one? I can't afford to be annoyed, I can't afford to blow up, I have to be the one who will give way, I have to be the one to understand. It's so stressful to be the shock absorber but I can't not care at all. It's in my nature. Nothing ever changes.

Connected

 My nephew is turning 13 in a 2 months and yeah I definitely see the teenager now. While I do like that he is becoming more independent with some stuff but I do miss the kid in him. We used to love watching  movies but now he's kinda over it as he is into more playing Roblox with his friends online. It makes sense of course that he is finding where he fits in and in a pandemic this is the way kids socialize now and I like that he finds a group where he is having a good time. I can't help but feel sentimental though because I've been part of his life every step of the way. I'm not sure I'll be a parent of my own but glad I had a taste of being one as I help raised my nephew. Now that his childhood is essentially over, I do hope I can help guide him the best way I can in his teen years too because it's a tricky phase of one's life. May God bless my nephew always. 

Shieldless

So hot topic today is if face shields will be no longer be enforced to be used by the general public. And various people from the admin are giving different answers. What else is new? Personally, I don't mind face shields but I don't want it to be mandatory, let people choose if they want so or not. Face masks are fine of course. But seriously over a year of this crisis and this is the stuff we are talking about. So exhausting. 

No Changes

 It's been almost a year since I went back to the office after a 3-month work from home setup due to the virus. Time flies yet it feels so slow. It's been a year of hearing "unti unti pagbubukas ng ekonomiya"  and  yet there's no real progress. The streets of Ayala are still sad to look at. It's been almost a year of going to the office twice or thrice a week because carpool is expensive so I can't do it everyday. it's been almost a year of surviving and struggling. Almost but still not quite enough.

More Push

 So once again I didn't do something I should have done long ago: speak up about a concern. I just feel so apprehensive and afraid of rejection. I've been through a lot of those in my life that I always condition myself of losing before even finding the result is, lower expectations, lower chances of feeling bad? Not really but I still do to it myself over and over again. Okay maybe tomorrow, I'll finally do it.

Good Push

 Mother's checkup went nice today thankfully. We also got an explanation why the clinic branch near us is temporarily closed due to lack of staff and doctors as some are doing vaccination drives and some doctors (including my nanay's favorite) left. Her diseases are controlled although her sugar level was a little hight compared to three months ago but not on an alarming level yet. The doctor also gave sound advice regarding vaccination and hopefully Nanay will be convinced later on take it.

Tomorrow Too Please

 So a felt better, there's still some pinches of pain from time to time but overall all was good and no excruciating life wrecking tooth ache. Thank God! Tomorrow, I pray for favorable results too. I always get nervous and trying my best to stay positive by not dwelling too much with thoughts like this. But it always lingers,  But please Dear Lord, don't my worries happen tomorrow. 

Sting

My toothache was really a challenge today! I did some errands for the family and it was struggle to function. I drank paracetamol and there was some relief but it wouldn't last that long. I will do ponstan tor advil tomorrow if the pain still persists. I know the best option is to go to a dentist but I can't afford to do so right now. My health card has dental but on select dental clinics only and they're in NCR so accessibility is an issue too and based from an officemate our dental package does not cover all fees especially during this pandemic with added protocol-set added fees to be shouldered by the patient. So I really hope this toothache like the previous ones I had won't last long or gets more complicated. I can't right now. 

ComebACHE

 My tooth ache is back after months of not having it. The sting is punching! What's weird is that this came back a day after I talked to a friend who was waiting inside a dental click to have his tooth extraction. What kind of signal is this? 

Out of Comfort

So the routine medical test for my mother had an unexpected hurdle because her clinic is closed and won't re-open until next year due to some unexplained reasons! We were recommended to another branch nearby which was fine but their lab tests services are currently on hold for unexplained reasons again! I don't know what's happening but I'm guessing it because this clinic chain is reconstructing as their old name was dissolved and now carries the name of the bigger health care organization. But it's  hassle because my mother likes going to this clinic as she feels more comfortable and my mother being comfortable is my #1 priority. Anyway, we will do a lab test on another clinic which she is fine with tomorrow but still have her checkup and read of the lab results at the other branch of the clinic she likes. Anyway, like always I pray to God that her lab results will be not alarming. We do this every 3 months but I can't help myself from worrying but of course I hide it from her because that's the last thing she needs. 

Planet

 So today I paid our cable service at their office because as per their social media they have billing issues that  prevents paying via third party like online wallets like GCash or even Bayad Center. You can only pay through their app or website which based on the comments on their social media pages have issues too! So no choice but to go straight to their office so I can get paper receipt as well just in case! Our cable service was better channel lineup, signal and customer service before when they were just simply an independent company but since they got acquired by a bigger company the service have gone worst. Good thing we never subscribed to their internet service which is expensive but has mediocre connection based on the hundreds  of complaints on their social media page! I thought of cutting this connection too  but the monthly fee is cheap and it never changed since we subscribed to them back in 2007. Our only other pay TV option is Cignal which is appealing but they don't have certain channels we regularly watch (ANCT/Teleradyo/MYX/C1). I'll considering leaving if they force us to move to digital cable because we are still in analog SD cable system. If I'm gonna go digital might as well go for the superior service. For now, like most aspects of my life gonna frustratingly settle for mediocrity. 

Interlaced

 I made some technical errors at a work task which sucks because I had to redo everything that had an error. However, with these mistakes, I do learn more especially a lot of things I wasn't aware of before and that keeps me more alert to not make the same mistake again and I learn more. I need to be more like this and make each mistake into something more on the positive side instead of beating myself up over and over again. I gain nothing from it but additional angst which just keeps me from moving forward. Note to self: More of this, less of that

Faith

 This vlog of Nicole Hyla had me in tears! I can't imagine  going through this kind of ordeal. Same time last year, we had major health issues with Nanay and I was so scared what more a parent of a child going through a life threatening illness! This was heartbreaking to watch also inspiring that fight for your faith because it's really hard these days but when you see stories like this, it gives you hope

Resisting

 I posted this on Facebook exactly a year ago

Maybe I'm just in denial but I can't fully embrace the "new normal". I would just like to think of this period as "temporary normal". I don't want to lose hope, we can still go back to the life we knew before

 I still feel the same a year later. I'm dealing with it because I have to and I have no choice. But I can't accept that this is the "normal", no way it is and should be that we just give up that there's a road to go back to a life without these restrictions, without these fear.. I need to keep hope alive.

Menial

 I watched a TV show today that made me reflect about my life. I love and hate it at the same time. I love because a good show like that stimulate one's mind but hate because it ends up making me evaluate my life's choices again. It sucks because it just reminds me what I don't and can't have. It's an ongoing cycle too that just have pauses because hey pandemic and frustrating government! I really should have been doing more productive things in my life than watch TV.  I wanted an escape but reality won't really let me do it. I hate feeling this way over and over again. No real growth and I just continue to beat my self up everyday. 

Step Back

I'm in a dilemma right now on how to speak up over a concern. I know I have a point but I feel so apprehensive saying it because I just think it won't work out in the end or I don't know if I have the right words to say. to send my message across. Also I'm shy. Or scared?  I'm 33 and I can't really be assertive sometimes. That's why I never get ahead in life because my fears control my decisions in life. The fear of making things more complicated than it should be. Afraid to rock the boat. I always do. 

Then and Now

 Just finished attending the virtual premiere of the digitally restored and remastered SOLTERA staring Maricel Soriano. This year I've been lucky because I've attended a lot of digital premieres  this year thanks to the generosity of the ABS-CBN Film Restoration head Mr. Leo Katigbak! I knew Sir Leo when he was still the head of Studio 23 and he would post on the channel thread at Pinoyexchange! I was able to interview him too for my thesis and I feel flattered that he still remembers me! Anyway, we are Facebook friends so after I've watched three digital premieres this year (Radio Romance, Tinimbang ang Langit and Soltero) , he have been inviting me to their digital premieres this year. And I've watched the digital premieres of Separada, Hey Babe, Paano Kita Iiibigin, Prinsesa at ang Pulubi and now Soltera. It's been my theatrical experience this year and great trip back memory lane. This movie SEPARADA I've actually watched in a theater when I was a kid back in 1999! My mother wanted to watch it so she tagged me along so I really didn't have a choice haha! Anyway, it's such an experience to watch a movie again now that I'm older and have more experience and insights so to speak! Anyway, the Sagip Pelikula Film Festival continues on KTX.ph and for this week here are the featured films! 

Cooler

 So it rained hard today and thankfully on my commute to the office and back home it wasn't  because that would have been stressful! Earlier tonight though the rain and winds were strong and there was another power outage! I actually fell asleep and just woke up a few minutes ago because power's back. And now I can't sleep so I opened my laptop and here I am! The rains have subsided though and I hope there won't be  hard rains again tomorrow. But at least the weather is cooler now after weeks of torturous heat! I was planning to do some work tonight but hey the brownout prevented me so there's that. 

Power

So today we had power outage for over 2 hours in the afternoon this is because of the rotational brownout that's happening right now because of the energy crisis! Oh my goodness, another one to make our lives harder than it already is. The heat is unbearable and without electricity it's becoming more intolerable! Of course, the disruption with  people working from home and studying from home. And you know what the Energy department secretary was doing yesterday instead of addressing this issue - a political party meeting in preparation for next year's elections. I am so frustrated. When will this end? Will it ever end? 

Nice!

 Received my digital certificate a few minutes ago! I feel like my grade year old excited for school medals  haha! It's a nice to feel that again though - be enthusiastic about something again. I hope this will lead to somewhere. It depends on me I know.

Transition

Today made me clearly see how my nephew is entering his angsty teenage years now after how I see him react after he got reprimanded by his mother. I found it cute at first but then I realized I should take it more seriously since he is confiding his frustrations to me. I should definitely listen to him and guide him as good as possible. This is  very important period in his life as he gets to know himself. I should be glad he chose to open his heart to me, that's a good thing! Anyway, by the end of the day whatever tampo he had with my sister largely disappeared as my sister's foul mood subsided already but I will definitely be on the lookout with my nephew. Time flies, the little kid who loves to watch cartoons on TV and play with his blocks is no longer there a Roblox-loving preteen is here now and about to enter the precious teen years which will have an unusual beginning with no face-to-face classes yet. May God bless my nephew always and keep him on the right track. 

Smile

 "Congratulations, Jec, for finishing the course! I went through your remaining exercises. I enjoyed seeing the development of your plot outline on the travails of multi-level marketing. I personally liked the unsuccessful but happy ending."

"I hope that you enjoyed the course and that it gave you the needed respite from the daily grind of work during this pandemic. Cheers!"

Messages I received a while ago from the workshop admin. She was just probably patronizing or massaging my ego so I'll enroll in another  class soon enough but maybe I stop with the cynicism and I appreciate the kinds words I've read. It did gave me a smile.

Push

Done doing the writing exercises for the online writing workshop I joined before the grace period ends tonight at 11:59PM. I'm eligible for a digital certificate! Yay! Although to be honest I'm not really after it but I'm for the experience and glad I pursued this one because I love the learning experience I had here. The Google Classroom setup was perfect, the teacher explained the course so coherently and I feel like it was done in person. The online video conference Q&A was also insightful. The exercises while quite lengthy actually helped to collect my thoughts and ideas in a gradual process. I'm planning to sign up for another basic writing workshop which is scheduled in September so I still have time to save up for the fee!

Once again thanks to my friend JP who gave a contribution so I can pursue this workshop after reading it here on my blog! While I'm a little embarrassed that he had to read my rants here, I'm so grateful for the kindness. What he did really gave me the push to do something that my heart wants. 

MBTC

 Nanay was moody yesterday so I was worried that her birthday will be spoiled thankfully it wasn't the case! Although early in the morning she was still testy like she was saying that we should not post on Facebook that it's her birthday (my older brother who's not living with us already did but I didn't tell her) but later on her mood suddenly got better. I spent the morning buying her handa while she and tatay wait on our vehicle. We bought dishes from Fish to Go, Chooks to Go, Chowking, a panciteria and the local bakery for puto. My brother in law bought the cake. All in all, it was a good day. As always, my birthday wish for my mother is good health.. I can tolerate her mood swings even if it's quite hard at times as long as she is healthy. Oh Dear Lord please guide and protect my parents at all times. 

SPAM

 So I received a text message earlier from an unknown number and the content basically connecting the availability of vaccines to next year's elections. Oh my goodness, they really have a team set up for this, eh? I'm afraid of what will happen next year. I'm scared that my worst fears will happen yet again. I'm praying for a sign of hope. Please, this can't last longer than it should have right?

Hectic

 I worked at the office today which was unplanned but I decided to take care of task earlier on because I won't go to the office on Thursday because it's Nanay's birthday so will give her a treat. I did a lot of things today and time wasn't even enough so I took home some work and will also go to the office again tomorrow to finish more stuff. But no complaints, glad to have work and love to be in the office really. As always, I just feel more productive there! I had so many things to do and yet I didn't feel that stressed. Maybe because it's a taste of normalcy. Oh how I miss the old life.

With Reservations

 So a loved one is trying a new business venture and to be honest I'm not confident with it but I don't want to give out negative energy so I didn't speak up about it. It's still starting though and I could be wrong so I don't want to discourage her as she's so enthusiastic about it. And who am I to speak against it considering I would never dare take a big risk in my life? But I worry as always that this will not yield favorable results but I really hope and pray I am wrong, oh God please let me be wrong. 

Worth It

One tip about concentration I got yesterday actually worked and my progressed with the writing activities improved so much today. I've been quite productive doing the writing exercises today. I do really need heart pumping music when I write! It helps set the mood when I type! I'm really liking the writing exercises because it's so step by step and the written explanation is great too! It really is helping me organized my thoughts. I can happily say the money I paid for this is worth it! Anyway, halfway done with the exercises and my target is to finish everything by Thursday a day before the deadline. Wish me luck

Notes

 Just finished the Q&A session with the workshop facilitator and it was done via Google Meet. It's actually my first time to do an online group video conference although I turned my video and audio off because I'm comfortable just listening and just posting my thoughts/queries on the chat box. I posted a question about tips on improving concentration when writing because God knows I need one and learned some insightful tips. I jot down notes via notepad because when I was a student this helped me process information. I'm gonna post the notes I took as it is as reminder to myself:

Ideas can not be copyrighted

Tangible things only can be copyrighted

Authenticity over originality

same premise but not necessarily same beats/ending

Motive will give to potential

Action give you trajectory

Look 4 elements work in the logline, must exciting

if it doesn't push you to write, then rewrite the logline

nuances make the difference

if you are concrete, you avoid being a clone

not being about the best, but be good with the writing

if you are not good enough, start by drawing inspiration

allow influences to guide your writing

Pace

 I've been slow in handling the writing exercises on the online workshop I'm in right now. It is self-paced though so there's no really time pressure but there is reward if you finished early like if I finished all the writing exercises by tonight I would have an-eBook about Creative Writing from the workshop lecturer who is a Palanca winning writer! But I'm not even halfway yet! I did attempt to cram but I took a step back because this isn't the right way to handle this and it's a bad habit I want to free myself from. This is not the end result I want when I signed up for this. The online lectures and writing exercises are great. Forget the rewards and focus on your creative progress - that's what I've been telling myself. Tomorrow, there's an online Q&A session and looking forward to it. I sent in a question about tips about concentrating when writing. I hope to get a good insight because I badly need it. 

Racing

 Quite a hectic day  as I finished a couple of work tasks and I really feel more productive at the office. The energy is just different when I'm there. Currently, I work from home Mondays to Wednesday and at the office Thursdays and Friday. It's working out for me but I wish I could be in the office more but of course safety first and also financial reasons as well. I still feel so sad about my financial situation but I felt happy earlier because after 2 months I was finally able to deposit in my savings account again. Of course, not gonna lie whenever I see my passbook  I wish there were more but hey I worked hard for it and maybe in time I'll feel very satisfied whenever I look at my bank account but for now I'm just glad I'm getting by.

Apprehensions

 Vaccination drive started already here in our barangay and ours is AstraZeneca but sadly both my senior citizen parents are no comfortable getting vaccinated due to side effects fear. I tried to convince them that it is safe and recommended for their age and not a health risk at all but I could see their apprehension and didn't want to push them into doing something they are so anxious about that could raise their blood pressure. Hopefully in time when they see more people they know vaccinated with no side effects they'll be more comfortable to do so.

Lanes

The past 3 days have been quite hectic as I balance my fulltime work, my part-time gig and activities catering to areas of interests and family duties. I also admit I have been distracted too that led to me wasting some precious time. The Internet speed at night lately haven't been kind as well! My connection right now is so intermittent and slow it's really frustrating. All day the connection was good then turned to crap tonight. Whenever I face stressful situations like this it also leads me to thinking frustrations beyond what I'm currently facing. It does not help that person in authority had another stunt last night that's really maddening and yet powerless. 

Introduction

 Today there was  thread on the Google Classroom of my writing workshop where we were ask to introduce ourselves and state our goals why we signed for the workshop  and just like back in my student days, I was the first one to raise my hand and posted away. Last I checked the responses was just 6 and I am the oldest at 33! It made me conscious to be honest but hey learning has no age limit! But it does kinda reflect how I am so late in so many things. No point pondering about these useless things anymore but I can't help it.  Carry on, that's all I can do.

Stimulated!

Just finished the first lesson on my writing workshop and I really like how this virtual workshop is set up! At first I got confused how to work around Google Classroom but thankfully I figured it out. I had trouble concentrating at first but I kept rereading the first to get in the groove and I did! And the explanations really are so good, it does feel like something a teacher would say in front of a class. It's so professionally done and really worth the money! I finished the first two short prep exercises and I honestly feel thrilled to a student again!. I still have a lot of things to do for this but glad my first day on this was good. The setup of doing it at your own pace is so convenient to me and the Google Classroom is a great platform for virtual learning!

First line

 My Storywriting Basics: Story Design online workshop started today with the lectures and writing exercises now uploaded on Google Classroom. The administrator also contacted to schedule a 30-minute live session and my preference of just phone call and not video call was accommodated too. What I read so far is very detailed and educational but I have to admit I have trouble concentrating but hey I remind myself I paid for this (plus a friend helped out) so I need to persevere to make it all worth it.

Cash Out

 My family finally received that financial aid from the government aka ayuda. We will use it to buy groceries and pay the water bill for this month. My parents are really happy about it, they've been waiting for so long. I have mixed feelings. This is very needed of course in a time like this but I'm not really comfortable with the way people have been reacting based on what I read on the mayor's FB page. Some feel too entitled, some are too judgmental, some are too accusatory, some are totally twisting this to favor a political flavor and most of all I feel a lot of sadness behind this. There's something off even if ultimately this is a good thing. 

Slow

So annoying that the past three days our Internet is so slow. My other family members can do their video streaming and zoom stuff but on my end it takes longer than usual. It's so frustrating but good thing our Internet is just prepaid and on an affordable because if this is postpaid and we get this kind of service while paying a high monthly fee it will be so stressful. I was a postpaid Internet user via Smart Bro canopy and the earlier years but turned crap when they merged it to PLDT Home Bro and I had a stressful time with customer service even until the disconnection request! I really got traumatized since then, I hate dealing with CSR and template replies! 

I really hate having third world Internet!

Manageable

I'm currently being challenged financially yet again. I hate that I feel a little resentful that I'm getting the lion's share of the burden but I need to be the one to understand everyone's situation. I hate that I feel I'm being tricked. Perhaps that thought is something of an excuse I made because I'm so frustrated. I wish my financial situation was better so I won't feel bad for feeling this way. Still, I just think that in the grand scheme of things this is not that big of a problem and I'm just stressing myself out for something that is manageable anyway. I just need to tighten my belt even further and be more patient. Also, I better control myself so it won't show that I feel a little resentful because I know I'm in the wrong here. I don't want to ignite anything that would just add more to my anxiety. Hey, that's why I write it even if I do vaguely because it helps process what I feel and feel a little better. Or as better as one I could hope for.