Change

There's a big major change happening near me. Objectively it's a good thing but I can't stop myself from feeling certain discomfort and from there a lot of unwanted feelings like resentment pop out. But hey I chose this because it's a security blanket. But I know deep inside I want more than this. I'm afraid of failing  though. I fear the unknown. I wish I can be brave enough but as I grow old my anxiety over negative results just grows and grows.

Levels

I don't like how I easily get stressed lately. Such small and minor things will lead me to think of the worst case scenario. I need to manage my emotions. Need to be braver. Need to be the rock they need me to be. I need to stop whining. I need to stop panicking. Breathe in. Breathe out. It's not a big deal. Don't make a mountain out of mole hills. Just no.

Discomfort

This never ends. The same crap happens over and over again. I predicted this to happen. I wanted to speak out but I want to avoid drama because there's no point. All those bad energies creeping into me again. They are always in a bad mood. I hate it so much. Then this one makes a messy decision again and drags us all over again. Why do you keep on doing this? I'm so tired of being the person to mediate and the be the shock absorber. I have no choice. This is it and I have nowhere to go. Sometimes I wonder if anyone of you thinks how your actions and decisions affects other people big time. Probably not. The cycle continues. I daydream of being away from here but it's not gonna happen. I can't do it. I can't leave them behind. I can't try to do things on my own. I can't. I wish I didn't feel this way but it's a losing battle. This is what I have become. It's good thing I kept a good distance from anything else. There's no point to be something else, to do anything else, to be somewhere else because I know I will always go back here. To look over them. To try to pacify the situation. To make them feel better. To make them worry less. Be not a problem. Don't be a hassle. Other people are doing it already. No need to add to the chaos anymore. You can't afford to be selfish.
Oh Lord please grant me the strength and more patience because it's just so hard to be this way, to feel this way. I can't lose my guard down. Can't afford it/

Random Ramblings 9

Tomorrow is October and the start of the last quarter of the year.. Not gonna lie I'm so looking forward to the Christmas bonus. I really need extra money to buy new eyeglasses. My current eyeglasses has a broken frame and is just being held together by a paper clip. Yeah poor me! I wanted to buy for so long but keep putting it off because the type I want is expensive so I'm saving up money for it but something comes along that needs money so yeah I can't gather the funds to get what I want. Yeah one of those times I feel really bad I don't earn that much to afford stuff like it.

***
 Watched Exes Baggage and I really like it. I admit the added factor that it stars two actors of my generation helps a lot. I love the music. I have been singing the movie's theme song Maybe The Night by Ben & Ben for days already. Beautiful music. As for the story I felt like it was able to capture a real relationship by regular folks in this modern era. And the ending I love it! Not exactly new but the way they build the scene was glorious.

***
I filed a leave tomorrow simply because I have too many unused vacation leaves and might as well used one to take a rest and yes save money from transportation. All the stuff I'm working on has been well taken care off so I'm free to do it. I really have no plans tomorrow but stay at home and do nothing of importance.

***
I turned 31 this month and honestly unlike when I turned 29 and 30, I didn't freak out this time around. Yeah older again but I don't feel as bad anymore that I haven't accomplished any of my dreams before. I don't know maybe I just accepted things as they are and just make the most of what I have right now. Or I gave up dreaming altogether.

***
I've been trying to ignore political news whether online or real life interactions. This is really the worst era I've experienced. I just can't believe how things are right now. It's so frustrating.

***
I'm so uncomfortable with changes lately but I've been doing a good job not panicking that much this time although there are stray moments where I go paranoid but I don't dwell on it as much as possible.

***
I ended a long time activity because I felt the interest already subsided and it's just not the same anymore. I felt that I made the right call because things went as expected. It sucks to accept that hey it's not the same anymore.

***
The new season of the Serial podcast is fantastic narrative journalism. The chances of me being a journalist is very low right now but hey but my love for well-researched and produced journalism will never die. I can't be one but I can support one. My blood boils how this era journalism is being degraded by fake news propaganda.

***
I hate to admit but I do like being in my comfort zone. It frustrate me at times that growth is stunted but I do like not being overwhelmed by another type of stress  I can deal with this empty feeling than get stressed again. I could not lose the last stands of hair I have in my head to stress.

***
For practicality purposes, i can't quit social media for good but I've successfully avoided lingering on Facebook and Twitter unlike before where I spend so much time wasted browsing the feed and feel bad about my life or get annoyed reading obnoxious opinions. It's a step. Social media is just too toxic for me nowadays.

Random Ramblings 8

Today is a holiday and I went to work. BUT I ACTUALLY ENJOY IT. The commute is so breezy. No heavy traffic and everything is so fast. Ayala Makati is also so serene that I liked walking to the office. Inside the office there's few people as well and I quite like the calmness of it all. Now I kinda dread going to work tomorrow because the commute will be stressful again.  Anyway,. In two weeks 10 years na akong parte ng working class! My first two jobs I lasted less than 9 months COMBINED then my third (and current) 9 years na ako! One thing I can say eh yung "iba na kapag real world" na sinasabi nila nung nag aaral pa ako eh TOTOO NGA! Iba nga talaga! There are things that you will learn about yourself and life in general as you go along. Minsan iniisip mo hindi ka pa mature to handle this and that but I feel na you won't really notice that you are maturing as it happens and in hindsight na lang marerealize na nag iiba na perspective of that you handle matters differently now. Of course there are regrets along the way, i think part naman talaga yun ng buhay but you really need to try your best not to to dwell on it too much. There's still a long road ahead and it's imperative to get rid of thoughts that will just keep you from moving forward.

***

Absorbing so much stress lately. So far I'm still holding on. I'm praying though one potential source of another stressful time will not come to fruition. I know it will be such a mess so i really hope it won't happen. This thing that may or may not happen already occurred years ago and it was just a mess I don't know why people can't learn from it. I see the rationale behind the trying again but why is the planning not any better? Why are people are in a rush to do things their way without going to the proper channels. I wish I can speak out but it's not gonna work out because I'm in no position to do so. I really hope that things will turn out in my favor

The Rock

I recently watched this movie SIGNAL ROCK about a guy and his small remote island community. I was able to relate to the lead character in a way as he is the one who absorbs  all the stressful stuff thrown at him. I'm not as strong and as skilled as him though. I'm so limited in a lot of ways but for some reason I have become some sort of shock absorber. I can not fall apart but I wish I could do something more. Financially of course.I'm stable but I wish had more disposable income. Life is harder today to be honest. Luckily I am still able to save some money but I wish I could save more. I've recently appealed for a salary increase which hopefully works out. I really need it. I thought of getting an SSS loan but you see I'm reserving that when there's really a big need. All I need now is better cash flow monthly and one time loan won't improve things.

As I type another stressful stuff is going on and the source if it all is just a small incident. It's actually not that a big of an issue but alas mood swings. You really have be so strong or maybe frigid to take it all in without breaking apart. I remember in December a small incident created such big chaos and it all started because I opened my mouth instead of just staying quiet or diverting the issue. I remember how emotionally damaging that day was. Of course in the end I've set my pride aside and did the move to make it all okay. And in the end all is okay as it often does when emotions are no longer high.  That moment taught me that it's not really worth it to fight back sometimes. I'm too weak and yeah a pushover. Just be quiet or talk minimally. Ignore since it will pass anyway. No need to let myself go through such an emotional torture for small things that could be ignored or not treat as a big deal. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore for less stressful existence.

Wall

I have a wall. I have a space left for myself. I don't let people come near it. I think it's for the better. I'm not totally alienated but I always keep a safe distance. I don't want to be too close for comfort. I'm an introvert but functions good enough socially to survive. Even during moments I let my guard down it's not 100%. This blog's recent posts are somewhat giving a glimpse of some of things that's inside the wall. That's why I keep this blog updated. This is where I let myself out in the open, where I say things I can't tell anyone directly. Although I know at this point there's few legit people reading this anymore. Maybe an old acquaintance or someone googles me discover this blog. Hi there. This is me. Don't get freaked out. I'm just full on angst and anxiety. I'm trying to work things out. Hoping and praying that one day I can be that man I wish could be. For now, i'm far from it. It's frustrating me a lot. Nearly everyday. There are things I'm trying to work on myself. I wish I could look back one day and read this post and smile because I was able to overcome this and be in a better place.

So blogspot don't die. I want to be able to keep these memories online for years to come. It's a piece of me out there in the world.

Resisting Resentment

It's nearly an everyday struggle for me these  days to resist being resentful. I feel like I wasted so much time in my life. I missed out on possible opportunities. The feeling is something I try to escape from but it willl always find its way back to my mind. I distract myself. Focus on work. Listen to music and podcast. Watch TV. I need to keep my mind preoccupied because if I don't (like in  this moment as I type this) the resentments are attacking me at every corner. Yesterday was generally a good day, finally resolved a long time issue that actually quite inspired me to make a few more steps to do a thing I've been wanting to do for so long. However today I was reminded again why I couldn't do it in the past and why I stilll couldn't do it. There's a valid reason why I can't and there's no way I wouldn't choose it as my #1 priority. But then this thing I've been wanting so long is delayed for a decade already and I feel like time running out for that thing to happen, the window of opportunity lessens as days go by.
Maybe I should just accept that thing was possibly not meant for me. Maybe I should so I can start the process of moving on.

Random Ramblings 7

I have three former classmates who got married recently. And as expected it triggered something inside of me. While browsing at their photos all I can think is that I could never afford this. Huh! Oh well I don't know. Okay I admit I feel a little envious they are entering that stage of their lives.  I admit since I was a teen  I felt like I will still end up like this at this age, I think even blogged about it here. But of course deep in my heart I wished I was wrong. But oh well things happened as I've always predicted it would be. It sucks but that's life. Not really sure if that is something that could still happen in the future. But I have so many unfulfilled matters that to be honest that's the least of things I care about. But still I'm human and feels this kind of things when reminded of. It will pass like it always do but right at this moment writing about what I'm feeling helps me cope with the frustration. 

***

I also recently found out one of my college professors migrated to Canada. I felt sad I was not able to see her before she left. She's one of my favorite professor because she was also part of my student journalist life and gave me all the support I needed especially during tough times. It also made me sad that she had to migrate so she can provide a better future for her family. It's totally understandable especially with the current political climate. To be honest I also thought about it. Moving to another country and start a new life. But I can't do it. I know I can't.  But you know what I never thought I would someday even entertain the thought of leaving the country. 

***

I saw on social media that HF announced their Team 33 Editorial Board. It has been that long. I was part of Teams 20-22. Anyway, for some reason I had to urge to post congratulations to the exiting EIC and "words of wisdom" to the incoming EIC.  Those kids probably got weirded out that on old editor randomly commented. Thinking about it is kinda embarrassing because they don't know me and never met me!  I guess I just love my HF experience so much that I still try to stay connected with it somehow over a decade later but I should probably let it go and stop reliving that moment when I felt like I had the biggest achievement of my life because I admit my editorial stint was a disappointment. 

***

July 1 marks my 9th year here at my job. I will definitely go for 10 years now that I have gone this far. I'm grateful that I have a stable job where I get to do something I like. I even survived the stressful years where our salaries were delayed for a year and I thought the company would close down. I experienced a lot in those 9 years. I treat a lot of the people I worked with as family.  But I'm sad that deep inside I still feel such a disappointment and that I sometimes I regret pursuing a job that I like than a job that's more financially rewarding. That feeling has been lingering inside of me for a long time already and despite my best efforts shoving it down it just won't die. 

Vulnerable

 I'm 30 for crying out loud but I feel so inadequate. My life right now is on a loop but I hate to admit that I like the safe blanket I have right now. But I know something is lurking or the future is shaky if  I don't do something drastic. I worry a lot, I need to be ready but I can't make the first step. I second guess myself all the time. This is what frustrating me the most because the problem is me. I'm just so afraid of taking a risk. I really want to be selfish and do something that will only benefit me but I always think about them. They need me. I need them too. I hate to admit that I feel like I can't handle bigger adult problems. My confidence is at an all time low right now.

Stunted

I've been trying my best not to think about personal issues lately and I've been mostly successful as I focused more on work and other personal interests. But the previous day was rough it as if  life said to me "oh you think you can escape? Nope". But I think it's fine. Keeps me grounded. Keeps me from slacking off. Insecurity is such a nasty enemy that is so hard to defeat. But you just need to fight if off the best way that you can. I believe that acknowledging what you are truly feeling is a good step.
But for now, can I just wallow for  awhile? I'll get over this but for now I just want to put into words the feeling I have now. I'm drowning with "I'm a loser" thoughts right now. A few hours ago, I was folding our family's laundry which I usually do every Friday night.  The humid weather did  not help me as I just got more irritable and had these "poor me" thoughts. The thing is lately I've been witnessing friends entering new phases in their lives: Getting married. A baby on the way. A new job. Advancing in career. And where I am? Here perspiring like a mad man folding laundry. The truth of the matter this choice I made in my life is something I really don't hate or even regret lately.  I feel like I was really meant to be in this spot at this time. But damn I can't help but think of WHAT IF scenarios.

Drive

I want to learn to drive. I'm the only man in the family aside from my 9 year old nephew who doesn't know how to. No one ever encouraged me to do or even asked about it. I guess they know my fear. I want to learn but I'm afraid to drive. I'm a clumsy person. I'm afraid  of getting into an accident. Or worst run over a person. I know I'm so paranoid. But I just can't shake off the feeling

I know to get this over with. I have so many deficiencies in life and a lot of this is my fault because I let feat take over my life. I'm posting this so I can finally admit this fear in my life. I hope this is a first step.

I'm so behind a lot of things in life. There need to be changes. There must be

You

You always try your best not to blame anyone but sometimes you just couldn't handle it anymore. You keep on thinking, if you did not let it happen, it wouldn't turn out to be this way. If you didn't let your paranoia creep into other people, maybe those people won't grow up being so.damned.afraid.of.doing.certain.things.. 

Of course you acknowledge that for things not to happen to you, you need to fight back the forces that brings you down or keeps you stagnant. You were simply not brave to test the waters and go against the grain. You choose to stay in the comfort zone to avoid stress, to avoid dealing with backlash, to avoid the possibility of failure. Instead of  thinking "what if it works", you automatically think "what if it doesn't" and bury your thoughts to the worst.case.scenario. 

 You let fear beat you to the punch until you realize one day time is running out. Or maybe it already ran out. You are not sure if there's still time. You are not sure where are you going to end up anymore. What's worse you keep on comparing yourself to others and see how you are so behind with everything. You try not to think about it anymore. Focus your attention to something else. Focus to what matters to you right now but then there always things, instance, people that will keep  reminding you of the shitty feelings you are trying to bury into oblivion.

You acknowledge that self loathing, whining and complaining will not help you get anywhere. But you just need to let it out because everything is all bottled up. You are second guessing yourself all the time. You like giving advice to other people when you yourself have so many issues to deal with. You hate looking yourself in the mirror. You look like crap. But you know that goes beyond the physical but your reflection speaks so much of what you have become. 

You hate that you are a cliche. You hate that you actually fell into a stereotype. But you are okay with living in mediocrity because  it's still not the worst case scenario, Sometimes you wish you didn't take a leap of faith before because in hindsight you didn't really have what it takes to be that person you thought you could be. You should have chosen the safer road.because you just set yourself up with disappointment by following what you think is closer to your heart. You now think you made a bad call despite that path gave you one of the best memories of your life. 

You continue to daydream yet you don't want to aspire anymore. You just want yourself to be completely OK with the present. Yet you still couldn't shake off the feeling but maybe things will still turn around. You pray so hard that this isn't i. You can't help but still hope maybe this is just a roadblock that you will look back in the future and smile because you have survived and beat your worst enemy - you. 

Random Ramblings 6

I tried to sleep earlier but I couldn't do so. Instead, my mind was preoccupied of things that bother me. Both shallow stuff and real life issues. Maybe because it's Holy Week and I'm in a contemplative mood. I dunno maybe it's just typical me.

***

It's Holy Week and a lot has changed. When we were going to church yesterday we've noticed almost every fast food and grocery stores are open to business! Back in the day, there's hardly any business open and the atmosphere is quiet but now it feels like just a normal day. Back in the pre-Internet days as well, there's hardly any "entertainment" because the TV and radio stations go dark or have religious themed programming. Now it's just different. I admit I do like some of things we experience right now but I can't help but miss the simpler times. 

***

On the 10th anniversary of my college graduation, I resisted the urge to post something commemorating it on social media. I know that post will lead me to a road I don't want to go. Even if I try to mask it with positivism I know it wont sound true and I'm just kidding myself because I will wallow in self pity and make things bigger deal than it really is. I was successful in "ignoring" it on social media. No post whatsoever but not gonna lie on that day (heck days leading to that) I would have random thoughts about it. I even made the mistake of reading old blog posts 10 years ago and I was reminded me of one error I committed on my campus journalist days which until now still haunts me of how I was such a weakling back then which was probably was a sign how I will fare in the real world I guess. I hope someday I won't feel this way anymore. I don't like feeling like such a big loser in life.

***

My nanay is taking new medicines and we observed that she has been so moody and very impatient. I won't deny it's frustrating and draining. However, when she acts out I always think of the worst case scenario to put me in perspective and make me appreciate what I have now. "Others have it worst" I always say that to myself so I won't let my frustration beat me. It's really tough but you do what you have to do. 

***

We watched the local movie SEVEN SUNDAYS on TV earlier, I found myself relating to one character. It's a family (light) drama and it strikes a chord. It also made me wish some things about my present that I wish went on a different route. Overall I enjoyed the movie. 

Random Ramblings 5

Hey this blog turned 13 years old last Feb 5. I'm very glad blogger still exists despite social media stealing its thunder and people don't blog that much anymore in the traditional way (you know as an online journal). I hope blogger continues to stay for a long time. I would be sad to see it go like Multiply which had a lot of my college memories that went down with it when it closed down. This blog is my time capsule.

***

Also happy Pinoyexchange.com is still around. I've been a user since 2004 and a part of the moderating team since 2010. I admit I'm a little sad that the forum is not active as it used to be. I still keep in touch with a lot of friends I made there through social media. I've also been friends with the people behind the site and it's also a little sad because I was also a witness when a lot of them moved on to different careers and endeavors over the years. I wish for more years of PEx, this is also a great time capsule, not just personally but the Pinoy pop culture. I sometimes look up for some things and it's not unusual to see some old PEx threads show up. 

***

I had some mini-health scare recently. Well to be honest it really was just a simple coughs but I'm just really paranoid. What's great though is that I used our new HMO card for the first time and felt good to have to expensive lab tests free of charge. Medicines are expensive though! Still, I'm 30 and obese so I really have to take care of myself. I'm trying to lose weight, nothing drastic yet and it will take me a long time but I'm kinda proud of myself for eating more vegetables now. I just need more discipline with junk foods and sweets. Hopefully I can do it

***

I've been working for nearly ten years and I've been with my present company for nearly nine years and one thing I've noticed is that first quarter of the year is the "resignation season".  And as expected some office mates resigned in the past weeks. One of them is my video editor for TeleNovela Channel. I've been working with him I think almost four years. He was an intern that got absorbed in the company and is actually one of the longest video editor I had for this project. To be honest, it will be a hassle for me to deal with a new editor as I'm already used to our work rhythm but it was inevitable. People need to grow and sadly I know the video editing spot for this project doesn't offer that much in that regard. It's a good entry level job but has limitations . And the task gets boring as it really has a basic template on what to do. Wishing the best for my departing editor and hopefully the company will be able to hire someone as competent as him and easy to work with

***

I've been addicted to podcasts lately. At first it was because I just recentlyy discovered you can listento it on Spotify hahaha! The two I listen the most are Anna Faris' Unqualified which is celebrity interviews and counselling to callers and The Hollywood Reporter's Awards Chatter which is of course celebrity interviews but with focus on how they started in the industry which I find very interesting. I like celerity interviews on podcasts, the celebrities are more natural and less-PR driven. I like hearing their stories. 

And I also finally  understood the hype of the true crime podcast Serial which was so popular in 2014. I downloaded and listen to Season 1 and the case was really engaging and the production was top notch! But the case is sad and left me with a heavy heart. I probably won't listen to any true crime podcast anytime soon. I'll stick with the celebrity interviews

Random Ramblings 4

*Last week I did something that I was trying to avoid which was to watch 2 movies in the theater. I'm on a budget and watching movies especially in Metro Manila is just expensive to me now but that night I felt a little off for some reason so I needed an escape. I watched The Greatest Showman which got my interest because I really love the soundtrack and I love movie musicals. The movie was very enjoyable although I can definitely see why many critics did not like it. It felt a little rushed and there's some off pacing and story. I also read the real story behind the main character is so different than what was presented to the movie. But as a form of entertainment I really enjoyed. I liked most of the songs and I've been listening to the soundtrack on Spotify every day! The music is infectious!.

The other movie I saw is a local movie Ang Dalawang Mrs Reyes which surprised me a lot. The trailed made it look like a broad comedy about wives discovering that their husbands are gay and in a relationship. But the movie is so much more than that. It's a great dissection of not just sexual identity but also about relationships and dealing with pain. The "kabit" genre is so popular in Pinoy pop culture because A LOT of Pinoys could relate to it. The catty remarks these movies are so known for are probably a form of catharsis to a lot of Pinoys. But to be honest  most kinda felt shallow and does not really connect to a deeper level which what impressed me with Ang Dalawang Mrs Reyes because of the way they presented the pain that happens to people that got cheated on. It's thought provoking.On the sexual identity side, the movie was also quite educational. I didn't know there were so many facets to it. Not just gay, lesbian and bisexual. 

So yes I went over my budget but I somehow don't regret it because I watched two good movies. One great escapist entertainment and the other one made me ponder on things. How I wish I could afford to watch movies again on a weekly basis. Yes there are "ways" to watch at home but I love watching in the cinema. I feel more connected.

*The Good Place is one of my favorite TV shows right now and as the season comes to a close, I just want to say once again how this show fascinates. It's so unpredictable and I like how they discuss philosophy and ethics. Thought provoking but it never loses the humor.

*I had one tradition that I've been doing for the last few years that I thought of not doing anymore. It involves other people and I know the interest with this activity have dwindled over the years. I thought why should I bother anymore but I decided the last minute to continue doing it. The result is pretty much what I expected  but I'm okay with it and decided that I'll continue doing this as long as possible.  I still find it fun to do so it's OK if the interest is not as high as it used to be. 

*I hate looking myself in the mirror. I need to do something about this

Random Ramblings 3

*New year but still the same old feeling of discontent. I will do my best to get out of this phase as soon as possible. I was actually in good spirits for awhile because there were things to distract  me I guess. But today I blame my phone whose battery drained faster than usual so I was not able to listen to Spotify or radio on my commute back home. You see, I have at least an hour travel  and during the lull moments I often find myself thinking a lot of things so that's why I needed something to listen to so I won't have these thoughts overtaking my mind again. 

* A few weeks ago I had a chat with a friend and we were talking about her youngest kid who is entering senior high this coming school year. I asked what track is he planning to take and she said humanities because he wants to have a career in mass media. I jokingly told her that it's not the practical decision "look at me". We laughed it off. Earlier we had  a chat again and she told me that his son will still pursue that track even though she told him that it may not be practical and actually used my words as piece of advice. I was a surprised because I didn't mean to be that kind of cynical person who will trample on a young person's dream. What have I become? I admit I'm mostly pessimistic but of course deep in my heart I'm still a dreamer. 

*Browsing Facebook never fails to bring out a side of me I really hate. I rarely browse and the time I do I still stumble to something in my timeline that will once again trigger emotions I hate feeling. I saw a post from an acquaintance I met at a campus journalism workshop a decade ago. He is now based abroad and was interviewed by a local news channel to get his insights on a national issue. I was impressed and of course felt little again. He is going places and while I am basically.... I'll stop..

*Which brings me to this: This March will mark the 10th year since I graduated from college. I will try not to feel bad that whatever my goal back then never happened nor am I near where I thought would be at this point of my life. I will try to avoid 'how time flies" or "napag iwanan" thoughts. 

*I made a big deal in previous posts about my year end chart tradition if I should stop or not. Well basically I didn't fully abandon it but made some changes. I no longer tried to listen and list down multiple radio year end charts at once. I just listened to one station at night and stopped when we were about to eat (in previous years I had my headphones while eating). I guess I can call it a progress. 

My Hot 100 for 2017

My favorite songs of the year!

1. Perfect - Ed Sheeran
2. That's What I Like - Bruno Mars
3, Remember Me - Coco cast
4. Sidekick - Dawin
5. Thunder - Imagine Dragons
6. Feels -  Calvin Harris Featuring Pharrell Williams, Katy Perry & Big Sean
7. HUMBLE. - Kendrick Lamar
8. Heavy - Linkin Park feat Kiarra
9. Dahil Sa'Yo - Inigo Pascual
10.Stay - Zedd & Alessia Cara

11. Shape of You - Ed Sheeran
12. Too Good at Goodbyes - Sam Smith
13. Slow Hands - Niall Horan
14. Despacito (Remix) - Luis Fonsi & Daddy Yankee feat Justin Bieber
15. New Rules - Dua Lipa
16. Truthfully - DNCE
17. Laro - Autotelic
18. Bahaghari - Sponge Cola
19. Reggaeton Lento (Remix) - CNCO and Little Mix
20. 1-800-273-8255 - Logic Featuring Alessia Cara & Khalid

21. He Like That - Fifth Harmony
22. Castle on the Hill - Ed Sheeran
23. Issues - Julia Michaels
24.  ILYSB - LANY
25. I'm The One - DJ Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper, Lil Wayne
26. Sorry Not Sorry - Demi Lovato

27. Rain - The Script

28. Rich Love - One Republic feat Seeb
29. Back to You - Louis Tomlinson feat Bebe Rexha
30.  Beautiful Trauma - Pink

31. Something Just Like This - The Chainsmokers and Coldplay
32. Malaya - Moira Dela Torre
33. Versace on the Floor - Bruno Mars
34. Believer - Imagine Dragons
35. Cut to the Feeling - Carly Rae Jepsen
36. Million Reasons - Lady GaGa
37, Young Dumb and Broke - Khalid
38. Feel It Still - Portugal. The Man

39. Tayo Na Lang Kasi - Kyla and Jason Dy

40. Havana - Camila Cabello feat Young Thug

41. Paris - The Chainsmokers
42  Titibo Tibo - Moira Dela Torre
43. How Would You Feel - Ed Sheeran
44. Lutang - Ely Buendia and Itchyworms
45. I Feel it Coming - The Weeknd feat Daft Punk
46. Water Under the Bridge - Adele
47. What Lovers Do - Maroon Five feat SZA
48.  Itulog Mo Na Yan - Moonstar 88
49. Mama - Jonas Blue feat William Singe
50. It's Goin Down - Descendants 2 Cast

51. Just Love Ngayong Christmas - Various Artists 

52. What About Us - P!nk
53. Swalla - Jason Derulo Featuring Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign

54. Attention - Charlie Puth
55. Bad Liar - Selena Gomez
56.  Balewala - Brisom
57. Two Less Lonely People in the World - KZ Tandingan
58. Tulad Mo - TJ Monterde
59. Symphony - Clean Bandit feat Zara Larson

60.  Kaibigan Mo - Sarah Geronimo and Yeng Costantino

61. You Make Me Feel Like Christmas - Gwen Stefani feat Blake Shelton
62. Misteryo - Sarah Geronimo
63. Sign of the Times - Harry Styles

64. Glorious - Macklemor feat Skylar Grey

65. I Like Me Better - Lauv

66, Super Far - LANY

67.  How Long - Charlie Puth
68. Ikaw at Ako Pa Rin - TJ Monterde and KZ Tandingan
69. Unti Unti - Up Dharma Down
70. Extensyon - Inigo Pascual feat Aikee

71. Hard Times - Paramore
72. No Promises - Cheat Codes feat Demi Lovato
73, Slide - Calvin Harris feat Frank Ocean
74. Down - Marian  Hill

75. Look What You Made Me Do - Taylor Swift

76. Touch - Little Mix

77. Errors - Dawin

78. Nasayang Lang - The Juans .

79. It Ain't Me - Kygo feat Selena Gomez

80. One More Light - Linkin Park

81. Evermore - Josh Groban / Dan Stevens

82. Too Much To Ask - Niall Horan

83. Wild Thoughts - DJ Khalid feat Rihanna and Bryson Tiller
84. Power - Little Mix

85. Honest - The Chainsmokers

86. Love So Soft - Kelly Clarkson

87. Down - Fifth Harmony feat Gucci Manne

88. Chained To The Rhythm - Katy Perry Featuring Skip Marley

89. Christmas Eve - Kelly Clarkson
90. Let Met Go - Hailee Steinfeld & Alesso feat Florida Georgia Line

91.  ...Ready for It - Taylor Swift 

92. Another Day of Sun - La La Land Cast

93. Cool Down - James Reid

94. Scared to Be Lonely - Martin Garrix feat Dua Lipa

95. Beauty and the Beast - Ariana Grande and John Legend

96. The Cure - Lady GaGa

97. Echame La Culpa - Luis Fonsi feat Demi Lovato'

98. I Don't Wanna Live Forever - Zayn and Taylor Swift

99. Friends - Justin Bieber feat Bloodpop

100. If I'm Lucky - Jason DeRulo

****

My Hot 100 for 2016

My Hot 100 for 2015

My Hot 100 for 2014

 My Hot 100 for 2013

My Hot 100 for 2012 
My Hot 100 for 2011
My Hot 100 for 2010
My Hot 100 for 2009  
My Hot 100 for 2008
My Hot 100 for 2007

My Top 10 Favorite Movies of 2017

Unfortunately, another year where I saw few movies (that I want to) in the theaters this year. I was especially disappointed I was not able to watch more movies in Pista ng Pelikulang Pilipino, Cinemalaya, Cinema One Originals and even MMFF (I haven't seen a single entry this year)

So my choices were not as vast but still these ten 2017 Philippine releases were really the highlights of my movie watching year

10. Baby Driver

- It's a conventional heist story but delivered with precision from editing to the use of music. A truly entertaining ride

9. Birdshot

- One of the two movies I've seen on Pista ng Pelikulang Pilipino last August and it was worth it. It started a little slow but the build up was intense and the climax had me at the edge of my seat

8. La La Land

- The Oscar front runner that lost the big award. I understand why there was an overrated backlash but without the awards standard it had to measure, this musical is pure delight. A lovely homage to the classic musicals while having its own unique touch.

7. Love You to the Stars and Back

- Don't mistake this movie as another love team vehicle for their fans' delight. This conversation-driven movie is an engaging philosophical journey of people dealing with things bigger than they could handle. 

6. Logan

- Hugh Jackman's iconic turn as Wolverine ends in a big way with this riveting story where we saw the famous character under a new light. 

5. War for the Planet of the Apes

The trilogy ends on top with a powerful conclusion headlined by another masterful performance from Andy Serkis,

4. Respeto

This year's Cinemalaya winner speaks a powerful message about the society today through  the poetic verses of rap. It's a mindblowing experience. 

3. Get Out

 A creepy movie but not in the way you expected. The movie haunts the viewer on a visceral level.

2. Wonder

Based on the best selling children's book, the movie spoke to me in a way I didn't expect. I simply love the movie's core message that each one of  us is battling our own personal issues so as much as possible always choose to be kind.

1. Coco

Yes another year where an animated movie tops my list but what I can do, these movies really captures my heart and always leave a lasting impression to me. Coco is a visual masterpiece as one would expect from a Pixar production but this one was just so good that I had to watch it twice. And both times I saw it, it left me teary eyed. The story is conventional but the heart is the right place. I love its message about the importance of honoring the memory of our loved ones.

****

Favorites from the past years:

2016

2015
2014
2013
2012
2011

My 10 Favorite Sitcom Episodes of 2017

Here is my annual rundown of my favorite episodes of the sitcoms I watched this year. Like in previous years for variety purposes I just chose one episode per show. 

(Check out my top 10 lists over the years: 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013,2012)

1. The Good Place Season 2, Episode 3 "Dance Dance Resolution"

I had a hard time picking among three episodes as the season 1 finale and season 2 premiere were so so outstanding that left me lasting impressions. Ultimately, I chose the current season's third episode because I was so impressed how the show was so clever enough to pull off another organic surprise from the already wickedly surprising Season 2 opener. I love twist when it' is executed masterfully that you could feel that the writers have a clear game plan on the show will pan out. 

2. Master of None Season 2, Episode 3 "Religion"

This Netflix comedy is very different from that typical sitcom that I like. It's unconventional and adventurous. It's hard to predict what will they do next but what I love with this show is even with its experimental approaches it never loses the humor completely. This is my favorite episode of the current season because of the excellent way they handled the story of a person's spirituality.  Not preachy. No mocking of one's faith. Just pure human approach. In a year where obnoxious aggressive behavior and mindset took the center stage, an episode like this exploring a sensitive topic in a level headed and sensible way is what we need.

3. Will & Grace Season 9 Episode 6 "Rosario's Quinceanera"

The big comeback of this beloved classic 11 years after it went off the air. However, the actress who played the charming Rosario declined to return due to retirement so this episode was [SPOILER ALERT]  a fond farewell to a beloved character. Karen's eulogy is full of heart and yet never loses the barbs their relationship is known for.

4. Superstore Season 2, Episode 21 "The Tornado"

Just like last year, Superstore's season finale ended in a BIG way. The execution of the tornado scenes caught me by surprise of how intense it was, I was at the edge of my seat. And yet the funny moments still kept on coming with my personal favorite involving the silent scene stealer Sandra. 

5. The Middle Season 9 Episode 9, "The 200th"

Now on *sniffs* its final season, I knew The Middle's 200th episode will be special and I definitely was not disappointed. The episode's highlight is Mike's unexpected speech telling how special Orson and the importance of the sense of community.

6. Brooklyn Nine Nine Season 5 Episode 4, "HalloVeen"

This show's Halloween Heist episodes were always fun but this year they took it up a notch with such crazy hilarious episode that featured one of the best spoof of Emmy winning drama The Handmaids and manage to pull a MAJOR surprise in the end. 

7. Trial & Error Season 1, Episode 13 "The Verdict"

This hilarious mockumentary is one the underrated new gems of the year. This Whodunnit comedy features a great cast and riveting murder mystery with hilarious twists and turns and the season finale where we finally found out who the murderer is was executed to perfection.

8. Speechless Season 2, Episode 10 "S-i-Silent Night"

This family comedy's Christmas episode is my favorite of the holiday-themed episodes I've watched this year. Funny, warm and tender. I love how this episode gave a "voice" to a person who can't speak and was able to send its message across in a big way. And yes this episode left me teary-eyed!

9. Downward Dog Season 1, Episode 4 "The Full Package"

 Yes the show's main character is a talking dog but it's not in the cute kind of way. The dog is full of angst but he delivers it a very witty way and was truly engaging to "hear". In this episode, the show touches the issue of one's insecurity and it really struck a chord. This show has been canceled which is unfortunate but the show's eight episode run was so special and hopefully gets discovered eventually by a wider audience someday.

10. Mom Season 4, Episode 12 "Wind Chimes and a Bottomless Pit of Sadness"

The show completely shifted its focus to Bonny and Christie's Alcoholic Anonymous group which I can't blame the show because it is really the show's strength. In this episode, the ladies got accidentally high and while this is Sitcom 101 plot, the execution, cast chemistry and acting were top notch that just remembering the scenes in my head already had me laughing. 

Random Ramblings 2

In my previous post I talked about our company finally having HMO but may not push through because of unfavorable reactions from my coworkers. I thought it was not happening anymore but I WAS WRONG. The company found a package suited for our company's size and also generally favorable to the employees needs and demands. I can't describe how happy I was when I received the HMO card with my name printed on it. This is a best Christmas gift I could possibly have this year. I've been wanting this for so long and finally years of patience finally paid off. I won't deny that over the years I've been thinking of quitting and moving on. But for a variety of reasons, I always choose to stay and finally having the security of medical insurance gives me more reason to not think about quitting anymore. 

***

Today I went on vacation leave mostly because I just want to avoid the Christmas mad dash traffic. And also to save money as well by avoiding temptations (aka malls!). I'll be back at work next week and will not really take a long break. I personally don't want long breaks to be honest (unless needed). And based on the past years, the days between Christmas and New Year are laid back and stress free at work (and the commute is not stressful)

***

In my previous post I also shared about thinking of ending my yearly tradition listing radio year end countdowns but I thought why not end it on the 20th year which I mistakenly thought was this year. As a friend pointed out, the 20th year of my tradition was actually last year because I started at 10 years old so last year was the 20th time I did it. My mind just automatically thought since I'm 30 now, it will be my 20th year of doing this. It's a little bizarre I have a numbers-related hobby when I'm poor in Math. 

Anyway, I'll probably won't do my Dec. 31  tradition anymore. Maybe I'll eat my words and still do it when the day comes. For now, I think I will stop now. Or maybe just listen to it casually and literally not list it anymore. I don't know.  A part of me still wants to continue this tradition but it's just different now. The excitement I used to have just isn't there anymore. Honestly I kinda felt it in the two years or so but I continued out of habit  and I have nothing better to do on that day. I'm still indecisive right now. It's annoying because it's so shallow but I feel like it's such a big deal to me. I feel like it's letting go of my childhood or an old passion/dream. Who knew listing music countdowns would mean so much to me right? 

***

A few days ago an officemate asked me why I don't go out and have drinks with them. I have a few reasons, some weird, some practical. First,I don't drink alcoholic beverages mostly because I don't like the taste. I tasted it before but I really don't like it so there's that. Another reason is that I've interacted with people who are intoxicated / drunk in some instances already and more often than not they say things which would make me uncomfortable. Sometimes offensive. I know it's likely just the booze talking and I should not take it against that person. I'm mostly level headed and understanding but I prefer to avoid a situation like that for the better. Lastly, I don't like staying that late as commute to home will be hard. I know this is a bonding experience for most where people let their guard dow But honestly I can have that even without drinking. I like talking to friends, sharing personal stories and insights. I love connecting to people despite my introvert, loner-ish personality. 

***

Christmas is almost here. Yes, I don't feel as excited as I used to be but I try my best not to be a scrooge anymore so I try to get the Christmas spirit going. I love this season to be honest, it's so festive and gives me good vibes.

***

I was an intern for Journal Group of Publications where I mostly did proofreading. The interns were given a chance to write for the Christmas supplement of People's Journal. My pieces (one I co-wrote with my classmate Giselle) were published 10 years ago this week

Random Ramblings

I got my Christmas bonus and 13th month pay last week and very thankful. I already gave a portion to my family and also savings. There's still some left but I'm afraid of spending it because I feel like I could end up regretting it. I don't have that much disposable income. I wish I have but the truth is I don't so I need to be wise with spending. I'm always paranoid with finances. So afraid of going broke. . I just need to maximize what I have and I'm good at that. I still have some extra like when I feel like riding the P2P bus to work which is more expensive (but so comfortable) . But for anything else I'm always cautious. One thing that made me sad about cutting down on expenses is that I rarely go to the movies anymore. I love watching in the cinema but the prices are just not practical to me anymore. 

***

I've been researching of finding ways to earn extra money or even a good investment. But it's hard to find something that I can do or not too risky. Sometimes I think of risking again and start a small business but the pain of our failed family business still haunts me to this day. I hope in 2018 an opportunity arises or that I will be brave enough to take a risk.

***

I've been vulnerable to insecurity lately and one major trigger is Facebook. So I'm detaching myself to that as much as possible. I hate feeling envious especially to the people around my age. It's a bad feeling and it does not help me grow and instead just makes me weaker. I don't want to be that kind of loser in life. 

***

I've once dreamed of becoming a college professor but that's probably not going to happen anymore. Could not afford master's degree and I'm not even sure I still have that A student inside of me. Plus I don't feel like I have what it takes to hone young minds. I have no cred so to speak. So with no master's degree and no cred, I have no business of becoming a professor.

***

It's the year end countdown season and it makes me sad that I'm not as excited as I used to be. Maybe it's the age. I will still be listing year end radio countdowns on Dec. 31 which I have been doing since I was 10 years old but this is probably the last time I will be doing it. I like even numbers so I want to end this tradition at exactly 20 years. Something about turning 30 this year that made me reconsider some things in my life which includes that year end tradition. Can I really let go of something that has been part of my life for so long? Maybe. I'm no longer that interested in following daily and weekly music charts aside from Billboard which I'm losing a little interest as well as streaming era makes the chart stagnant. Billboard Hot 100 Philippines launched this year and it was underwhelming for me. But maybe because in general the whole pop music scene is not connecting to me that much anymore. I do think I'll forever be a chart geek but maybe not as passionate as I used to be, I need to move on at some point.

***

One disappointment I had this year is that when our company finally decided to have HMO, majority of the employees rejected it so it's now in limbo and probably not happening anymore. Hopefully not and the company is just looking for better HMO provider that would please the majority but I'm afraid it's not gonna happen anymore. I'm still shocked with how much my other co-workers didn't warm up to it. Hopefully they just want a better plan and not really dislike the idea of having one. But it was truly something I really felt so sad about. I thought it was something  a lot of us wanted t but I was shocked that it was not the case.

***

On the positive side, I 'm thankful my family, especially my parents, had generally good health this year. No major health scares and visits to the hospital like in previous years. Whenever I feel so down or frustrated with my life, I remind myself that  one of my big fears in life (major family heath scare) is not happening so I should be grateful.

***
Ten years ago I was an intern for Journal Group of Publications. I mostly did proof reading job but for their Christmas supplement I was able to write two articles and both were published on People's Journal! I was so thrilled to see my byline on a national newspaper. Ten years later, print media is almost dead and it really makes me sad. I also miss the young me who dreamed of becoming a journalist. I did become a writer professionally but it's not journalism. My current job duties no longer involves writing so my writing skills (along with my grammar) is rusty now. 

***

I sometimes wish I'm typical. Regular. Ordinary. Predictable. Normal. But I'm not. I wish it was in a "cool, edgy" way but no. I'm not typical in the most pathetic way I could imagine. It sucks that I feel this way about myself. I swear this line of thinking is something I've been trying to avoid or get rid of permanently but I don't know I feel like there are constant reminders that prevent me from doing so.

Here it goes

So tonight I was again reminded why my life is this way. The truth is I know this for a very long time already but I try to avoid thinking about it so I shove all the resentments at the back of my head hoping it will just go away if I ignore it. But you see no matter what you do to avoid facing the truth, life will find a way to slap you the reality of your life.  A small incident could trigger the deepest pain you have been keeping to yourself. Even if it is essentially a minor issue it could trigger a deep pain because a series of small pinches could lead to a bigger hole than you would realize.
A few days ago I saw a photo of my current self, it was sort of a stolen shot so what I saw was me in my unguarded moment. And that guy I saw is really just a shadow of what he used to be 10 years ago. I look physically dreadful, balding and overweight with really ugly skin. I don't want to self loathe but what I saw is harsh wake up call of what I have become. Here I saw the physical manifestation of  my ugly life. I thought I already accepted my fate but no.
So to this person who I can never tell this personally because I will succumb to guilt, THANK YOU for reminding me how I feel pathetic I feel. I've been trying my best to suppress it. I've been trying my best not to blame you of what I have become because things happen because I allowed it but seriously you emotional blackmail over the years have left a lasting damage that I don't know if it can fully recover. There's so much resentment in my heart I've been wishing to go away because I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY . I swear I don't but you are not making it easy. I hope and pray that you will realize because I can never tell it personally, I don't have the guts and I'm just afraid it will just backfire and once again I suffer

Almost 30

Note: This is originally posted on my Facebook

When I turned 29 last year all I can think about is turning 30. And now it's almost here. As I near the end of my 20s there’s so much in my mind so let me share some random thoughts:

1. I’m time conscious in general but sometimes hindi mo rin talaga marerealize how time passes by until a thing or an event will remind you so. Simple stuff like na pa-obsolete na ang CD, DVD and digicam or yung mga stores sa malls na kinalakihan mo eh nag sara na. And of course mortality. May neighbor kami who passed away a few weeks ago. Hindi naman kami close pero sanay kasi ako since bata pa na nakikita ko sya sa tindahan nila nanonood ng TV lalo na sa gabi so the first night na nadaanan ko yung store nila and saw someone else watching TV, it made me sad because she’s really gone and it will never be the same again.

2. In connection to that, sometimes you won’t realize that the window of opportunity is closing because you keep on second guessing yourself thinking “next time na lang” or “someday I will” kaso lumipas na panahon wala ka naman ginagawa. One of my simple dreams before eh ma-publish sa Young Blood section ng PDI but I never tried submitting until a few weeks ago. I attempted when I was a student but I couldn't finish anything because most of the time I don’t feel confident na worthy yung sinusulat ko hanggang sa hindi na ako nag attempt pa and tuluyan na nawalan sa isipan ko until a few weeks ago kasi na realize ko na 29 years old nga pala cut off. So finally I submitted for the first and last time. Realistically I don’t think I will be chosen kasi rushed yun because I simply wanted to at least try while I’m still qualified and let's be honest that's not the foundation of a well-written and worth-reading piece. May regret ako kasi dapat noon ko pa rin talaga sinusubukan until mapili but oh well lesson learned. Seize an opportunity while you still possibly can and don’t let the fear of failure stop you from taking a chance.

3. I have a love/hate thing with social media. I’m not talking about the political divide that is very present here (that’s another issue) but more on a personal level. I love how it can connect you to people in such an accessible way. It’s good to still be a witness sa happenings sa buhay nila but downside is sometimes hindi mo rin talaga maiwasan hindi i-compare ang buhay mo sa buhay nila. I know I should not let insecurity get me but there are times I just can’t help but feel envious and say to myself “Ay buti pa sila”. I hate feeling that way kaya I try to lessen my time browsing the feed or dwell too much with certain updates. I know it's human nature but it's a feeling that you should not let take over your mindset.

4. It’s a sad reality that over the years you could grew apart with some people who were close to you at one point in your life. Walang away, walang issue pero kapag nagkita kayo nakakailang na. Worst feeling yung magkikita kayo sa jeep or a gathering and you try to strike a conversation beyond the initial kamustahan pero it’s a struggle to keep it going kasi hindi na talaga kayo click. On the flip side, I have friends na kahit once a year lang kayo nagkikita or even years apart eh parang walang nagbago. You are so comfortable with each other as if kahapon lang kayo huli nagkita.

5. Nostalgia is a nice feeling. Na-appreciate mo yung mga bagay na dati you just take for granted. But it’s a double edged sword kasi nostalgia can also blind you from appreciating the present. May mentality din kasi tayo na “mas mabuti pa dati” pero minsan hindi naman yun totally totoo kasi may tendency tayo na naaalala lang natin yung positive highlight ng past kaya naro-romanticize natin yun. If you are struggling at present, the past glory of course would look better. But struggling is necessary to achieve glory. Looking back should never keep you from moving forward.

Yes, i Can't Shut Up About It!

In less than 2 months, I will turn THIRTY YEARS OLD. Honestly last year all I can think about is turning 30 this year. Just see the previous posts I had.   I tried my best to contain my insecurities but dear Lord I can't help but feel like a loser. Sometimes I think I'm okay then some minor thing would pop up out of nowhere and trigger these emotions yet again. I'm not gonna l that where I am right now is truly my fault. I played it safe. So afraid to make a  move. So afraid to take a risk. Too lazy. No one to blame but myself.
But reaching this milestone age should give  me the push to do better in life. Stop whining. Do something. Take a risk. Stop fearing the world HASSLE. Just stop

Reflect

I seriously need time to reflect. Turning 30 this year and I'm freaking out. I'm nowhere near my life goals. I'm constantly worried about how my life in general. Nine years since I graduated from college and one thing I really missed is my idealism. I’ve felt this beaten long ago but I refused to acknowledge it because choosing to do so could be the start of something that I will regret in the long run. It’s a feeling that I’ve been trying to shrug off as just a phase but I just can’t deny it anymore. Nine years ago, I had a game plan on how I will live my life and at present I’m nowhere near what was my dream before. “Was’ because right now I don’t feel that it’s my dream anymore. I don’t feel the same drive and enthusiasm that I used to have. I won’t deny that at one point my life I regretted some of my past decisions that were fueled by passion. I wish I was more practical and realistic back then. Maybe if I were that kind of person I wouldn’t feel this way anymore. However if I look back during those times and if I ask myself did I regret having those memories? I can honestly say that the answer is no. I had the time of my life and I learned so many lessons. Truth be told, maybe it is part of the reason why I feel this way right now. I’ve set myself up for disappointment. Maybe it’s not yet late, maybe I could still be that optimistic fresh graduate that I used to be. But right now I’m struggling to hold on what little drive that I still have inside

I'm good!

Thank you the concerned person who commented on my last blog entry. I really appreciate it. I didn't think anyone is still reading this blog actually since I don't post often anymore and if I do, it's just full of angsT ;) But to give an update on my last entry, I'm doing good now. It turns out I had thick phlegm issues causing me to have those episodes but the doctor just prescribed me anti biotics and all is well. Than k God!

Anyway, last month this blog turned 12! It's been so long :D.  I started this blog when  I was 17 and now I will turn 30 in September! Time flies! Sometimes I still can't believe I'm already this old, I still feel a little young haha but hey growing old is a privilege and I thank God for that!

Breathe

For the second day in a row, I woke up suddenly gasping for air. It was scary. I felt suffocated. It lasted only a few seconds but it was scary. I will have  a medical check up later. I dread it so much. I know I need it but I fear that my already limited life will once again take a setback. And of course this reminded me how I hate that we don't have HMO in the company I work with. I'm afraid of getting sick because of that. I'm not protected. Still I'm afraid of leaving my job because I can honestly say that despite the lack of good benefits I love my job and I'm great at it. And it's a job that's a fit for my interest. But I hate that it isn't practical. I hate that I have regrets that I pursued a career that's not financially rewarding. I hate that I wish I took a different path. I feel so unlucky in life. Oh I know other people have it worst but right now I just feel so down. I can't catch a break.. I want to stop feeling this way. I really do. Oh Lord please guide me today. I hope my worst fears will not be realized, So worried. So stressed. So miserable.

My 10 Favorite Sitcom Episodes of 2016

My annual rundown of my favorite episodes of the sitcoms I watched this year. As usual for variety purposes I just chose one episode per show. Lots of new shows on my list this year :)

(Previous lists: 2015, 2014, 2013,2012)

1. Mom Season 3 Episode 7: Kreplach and a Tiny Tush

- This episode features one of my all time favorite sequence! The dinner scenewhere Bonnie and Christie hosted for Violet's visiting boyfriend and mother was so well executed with non-stop laughs from start to finish. It also manifests why the old school multicam style format still works with the right writing, acting and directing.

2. Bob's Burgers Season 6 Episode 19: Glued, Where's My Bob

- I binge watched this animated comedy this year and immediately climbed to one of my all time favorites. I initially thought this show was like Family Guy which was too racy and hyper for my taste but this show is indeed excellent. This episode where Bob find himself stuck in a toilet bowl and became a news item was so hilarious

3. Superstore Season 1 Episode 11: Strike

-  My favorite new comedy this year featuring an excellent ensemble led by Ugly Betty star America Ferrera. This workplace comedy is set in a big box store and this episode is the season 1 finale where the crew goes on strike after their manager got fired for giving a new mother vacation leave which is against corporate rules. This is the episode where the show found the right balance between comedy and real life issues.

4. The Good Place Season 1 Episode 1: Everything is Fine

- The pilot of this afterlife comedy just won me over from the first sequence alone. It's whimsical with sharp wit that showcases a pitch perfect role for Kristen Bell. I can't wait what will happen next as the show teased a potential awesome showdown with "The Bad Place" as it returns from hiatus next month.

5. The Middle Season 8 Episode 1: The Core Group

- Of course one of my all time favorite comedies is stil present and as usual I had a hard time picking one episode I loved the most this year. Anyway, I ultimately chose the Season 8 premiere as the Hecks dealt with the realities of life that they are growing older and that the "core group" will no longer be just them as the kids are now having lives of their own. As someone who watched this show started 8 years ago, it hit me big time (as it also relates in my real life).

6. Speechless Season 1 Episode 8: R-R-Raycation

- This new family comedy is about a family with a teen that has Cerebral Palsy. What I like about this show in general is that they don't make the show to be to schmaltzy and preachy. JJ (the one with the disability) is basically like your regular teen who wants to as normal as possible. This episode deals with his first heartbreak and it was so well done. It was heartwarming but not patronizing at all. 

7. American Housewife Season 1 Episode 2: The Nap

- The pilot had mixed reviews so I really had not expectation as long as it is enjoyable enough. I liked the pilot so I decided to continue but wow as early as the 2nd episode the show already found its comedic voice that made me think oh this show will be one of my favorites. This episode deals with how the mother is having a hard time just to have a simple nap because of all the errands and responsibilits she has to do. It's a very simple premise but they hit the right comedic tones that resulted to a very funny (and relatable) episode.

8. Black-ish Season 2 Episode 16: Hope

Hope-This much talked about episode of Black-ish is more serious than usual as it deals with conflicts African American face with police officers. It's a hot and potential polarizing topic but the way they handled it with the just the right amount of seriousness without going too preachy  and most importantly not forgetting the humour. 

9. Mike & Molly Season 6 Episode 13: I See Love

- The series finale of this underrated comedy is sweet and funny as Mike & Molly welcomes their child. I loved that it featured all the recurring characters as well. It also showcased the program's strength, it's strong ensemble that made this show not just about people poking fun at people, It's a romcom the eventually morphed into a family comedy. I miss this show. 

10. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Season 1 Episode 13: Josh and I Go to Los Angeles

Not a 30-minute sitcom but I just love this musical comedy so much I can't leave it off the list. The songs are just so well-produced and most importantly funny! I chose this episode because it featured my favorite song and musical moment of this show so far: JAP Battle! JAP means Jewish American Princess. The song is just funny and the musical number it self was so hilarious. 

My Top 10 Favorite Movies of 2016

The 10 movies that I've seen in the theater this year (which sadly was not a lot!) that left a lasting impression! 

10. The Jungle Book
-  Wonderful production, breath taking technical achievement!

9. Moana
- The story is nothing new but the songs were fantastic and the animation was just on another level

8. Room
- Heartbreaking story with two terrific performances that will trigger all kinds of emotions from your inner being.

7. Finding Dory 
- The sequel that did not disappoint!

6. Everything About Her
- My favorite local mainstream movie. Funny, tender and heartbreaking.

5. Your Name
- My first anime film in the big screen! A very engaging movie from start to end.

4. Train to Busan
- It lived up to the hype! One of the most thrilling and entertaining theater experience this year. Reminds you the joys of watching a movie with a receptive audience.

3. Spotlight
- The current Oscar Best Picture winner! Once upon a time I dreamt of becoming a journalist and this film reminded me why.

2. Sunday Beauty Queens
- The best picture on this year's MMFF! This documentary will get you a true glimpse of how our fellow Filipinos deal and survive working and living in a foreign land. No melodrama but just real and pure emotions.

1. Zootopia
-  A film that is more than just cute animals talking! With how intolerance and misinformation are putting the society backwards these days, this animated movie couldn't be more apt.

****
Favorites from the past years:
2015
2014
2013
2012
2011

My Hot 100 for 2016

My Favorite Songs for 2016

1. Closer - The Chainsmokers feat Halsey  
2. In The Name of  Love - Martin Garrix feat Bebe Rexha 
3. Say You Won't Let Go - James Arthur
4. Sila - Sud
5. Versace on the Floor - Bruno Mars
6. Where My Love Goes - Lawson
7. Secret Love Song - Little Mix feat Jason DeRulo
8. Drive It Like You Stole It - Sing Street
9. Ambon - Barbie Almabis
10. Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots
11. Don't Let Me Down - The Chainsmokers feat Daya
12. Middle - DJ Snake feat Bipolar Sunshine
13. Nobody's Better - Z feat Fetty Wap
14. 24K Magic - Bruno Mars
15. Hymn for the Weekend - Coldplay
16. Send My Love (To Your New Lover) - Adele
17. Can't Stop the Feeling - Justin Timberlake
18. Waste a Moment - Kings of Leon
19. Pariwara - Ely Buendia and Itchyworms
20. Bitter Song - Callalily feat Maychelle Baay of Moonstar88 
21. We Don't Talk Anymore - Charlie Puth feat Selena Gomez
22. Rock Bottom - Hailee Steinfeld feat DNCE
23. Something I Need - Morisette Amon and Piolo Pascual
24. Piece by Piece (Idol Version) - Kelly Clarkson
25. Kids - One Republic
26. All I Ask - Adele
27. Cheap Thrills - Sia feat Sean Paul
28. Love Yourself - Justin Bieber
29. When We Were Young - Adele
30. Stitches - Shawn Mendes
31. Jet Black Heart - 5 Seconds of Summer 
32. Let It Go - James Bay
33. Ambon - Stark
34. 7 Years - Lukas Graham
35. Cold Water - Major Lazer feat Justin Bieber & Mo
36. One Dance - Drake feat Wiz Kid and Kyla
37. Work - Rihanna feat Drake
38. Monumento - Kyla and Kris Lawrence
39. Trumpets - Sak Noel & Salvi feat Sean Paul
40. Starving - Hailee Steinfeld feat Grey and Zedd
41. I Found a Girl - The Vamps
42. Gold - Kiarra
43. Good Grief - Bastille
44. The Sound - The 1975
45. Ride - Twenty One Pilots
46. Close - Nick Jonas feat Tove Lo
47. Heathens - Twenty One Pilots
48. Starboy - The Weekend feat Daft Punk
49. Jumpshot - Dawin
50. Nobody But Me - Michael Buble
51. Weird People - Little Mix
52. Rockabye - Clean Bandit feat Sean Paul & Anne Marie
53. Try Everything - Shakira
54. Kiss It Better - Rihanna
55. Cake By The Ocean - DNCE
56. Alexander Hamilton - Hamilton Cast
57. Hiling - Mark Carpio
58. Wag Mong Aminin - Rico Blanco
59. Up - Sing Street
60. Paasa (T.A.N.G.A) - Yeng Constantino
61. How Far I'll Go - Auli'i Cravalho / Janella Salvador
62. All We Know - The Chainsmokers feat Phoebe Ryan
63. Bawat Daan - Ebe Dancel
64. We Know The Way - Opetaia Foai and Lin Manuel Miranda
65. Perfect Strangers - Jonas Blue
66. My Shot - Hamilton Cast
67. You're Welcome - Dwayne Johnson
68. The Greatest - Sia feat Kendrick Lamar
69. Shout Out to My Ex - Little Mix
70. Pillowtalk - Zayn
71. Adventure of a Lifetime - Coldplay
72. Water Under the Bridge - Adele
73. i hate u, i love u - gnash feat Olivia O' Brien 
74. Sit Still Look Pretty - Daya
75. Dalawang Letra - Itchyworms
76. Me, Myself & I - G-Eazy x Bebe Rexha
77. Roses - The Chainsmokers feat Rosez
78. This is What You Came For - Calvin Harris feat Rihanna
79. Pasensya Ka Na - Silent Sanctuary
80. Tala - Sarah Geronimo
81. Isang Pamilya Tayo Ngayong Pasko- Various Artists
82. History - One Direction
83. Just Like Fire - Pink
84. All Night - The Vamps
85. Black Beatles - Rae Sremmund feat Gucci Mane
86. Youth - Troye Zivan
87. Treat You Better - Shawn Mendes
88. Oh Pag Ibig - Bailey May and Ylona Garcia
89. Still Falling For You - Ellie Goulding
90. Into You - Ariana Grande
91. Side to Side - Ariana Grande feat Nicki Minaj
92. Jap Battle - Crazy Ex Girlfriend Cast
93. The Horns - DJ Katch
94. Perfect Illusion - Lady GaGa
95. In The Night - The Weeknd
96. Wherever I Go - One Republic
97. Me Too - Meghan Trainor
98. My House - Flo Rida
99. All In My Head - Fifth Harmony feat Fetty Wap
100. Lagi Mong Tatandaan - Parokya ni Edgar

***

My Hot for 2015

My Hot 100 for 2014

 My Hot 100 for 2013

My Hot 100 for 2012 
My Hot 100 for 2011
My Hot 100 for 2010
My Hot 100 for 2009  
My Hot 100 for 2008
My Hot 100 for 2007

As Usual

Stagnant.
This is how my life has been. I'm scared of major changes to be honest. But there's a part of me that wants to explore life. It's not practical though. So much needs. I need to look out on people.
Lately I'm just distracting myself and allowing my self to engage with guilty pleasures and shallow stuff. But still don't get me wrong I'm grateful for a lot of things especially my family's safety and generally good health.
Oh well in less than a month I'll be 29. I feel like I need to learn so much  more that I haven't had the chance to do so I'm such a mess right now.

Frustrated

So yes I'm blogging again because I'm so frustrated with my life right now.  Still struggling with my finances. I tried to look for another job but to no avail. I wish my current company has better benefits and higher salary so I don't have thoughts of leaving  but what can I do. I do love the people here and respect the bosses, but I constantly worry about getting stuck on a dead end. My salary is just enough for helping out my family with out expenses, with a little extra to save up but it's not growing the way I hoped it would be.
I'm sad because none of my plans when I graduated 8 years ago happened. I felt so envious when I saw some college friends getting their masteral degree already. That was my plan and probably it's too late for it to happen anymore. I don't have the money to finance it and frankly probably I don't have the drive anymore. There are just so many things to think about first.
My parents are getting older and I don't want them to worry about me and my other siblings but I know they always worry about us. My two older siblings have volatile careers. My sister is once again about to go jobless again since our business folded up two years ago. I get so frustrated but what can I do. I always help her get a job by clicking on job listings online. Since the business ended, she had like 4 jobs, nothing that lasted a year. And she's nearing 40 years old, opportunities are getting slimmer as year goes by. I don't like the feeling but I can't help but feel resentment about that business, it was such a big blow, we haven't fully recovered until now. The failure still stings up until today. Our lives could have been so different if the business worked out the way we hoped it would be.
I hate checking Facebook these days seeing how my friends in school are doing well in their life now. Whether they have good careers or they have seemingly happy families of their own right now. I feel envious. Probably some of those are just facades but what  do I know? I know I have nothing to brag about my life right now. Because my life  is mediocre.Of course I know others have it worst but still, it's a struggle.God please guide me.

That strange feeling

Hey it's not the end of year and I'm blogging hahaha. I don't know I just need to write this down. I just feel incredibly  frustrated and sad today. It's kinda rooted in  money. I'm not broke or anything but I'm not growing. So stagnant. I constantly worry that I may have financial problems eventually. I like my current job but I feel like there's just no growth financial wise.  I'm turning 29 this year and I worry about the future. I have savings of coruse and it's a good amount. I rarely spend money on "wants"these days but I could be spending my money better like lessen buying sancks and fastfood. Oh well. I actually don't have a problem at present, my money is managed well, i get to help around the house expensives, buy essentials. But I wish there was more, I feel like I deserve more. I want financial security. I want to learn about investment but I'm so scared with all the scams I've been reading.
You know sometimes I regret choosing a path that's not really financially rewarding. I regret thinking that but I can't help but feel it. I'm such a weakling.
Maybe this is just normal to feel because of my age.
There are so many things that gets me frustrated. My balding hair, my weight, being stupid in a lot of stuff, Internet speed, the elections, being such a coward, disorganized, caring too much, passiveness, not speaking out, my What Ifs in life.