So tonight I was again reminded why my life is this way. The truth is I know this for a very long time already but I try to avoid thinking about it so I shove all the resentments at the back of my head hoping it will just go away if I ignore it. But you see no matter what you do to avoid facing the truth, life will find a way to slap you the reality of your life. A small incident could trigger the deepest pain you have been keeping to yourself. Even if it is essentially a minor issue it could trigger a deep pain because a series of small pinches could lead to a bigger hole than you would realize.
A few days ago I saw a photo of my current self, it was sort of a stolen shot so what I saw was me in my unguarded moment. And that guy I saw is really just a shadow of what he used to be 10 years ago. I look physically dreadful, balding and overweight with really ugly skin. I don't want to self loathe but what I saw is harsh wake up call of what I have become. Here I saw the physical manifestation of my ugly life. I thought I already accepted my fate but no.
So to this person who I can never tell this personally because I will succumb to guilt, THANK YOU for reminding me how I feel pathetic I feel. I've been trying my best to suppress it. I've been trying my best not to blame you of what I have become because things happen because I allowed it but seriously you emotional blackmail over the years have left a lasting damage that I don't know if it can fully recover. There's so much resentment in my heart I've been wishing to go away because I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY . I swear I don't but you are not making it easy. I hope and pray that you will realize because I can never tell it personally, I don't have the guts and I'm just afraid it will just backfire and once again I suffer