Omicron

 So this new COVID19 has an official name OMICRON. I hope you won't be a household name like DELTA. I really hope the current vaccines will keep it at bay. I've accepted that this virus won't really go away but vaccines will keep it from being fatal thus less hospitalizations. Almost 2 years of this lifechanging event and just when you think it's finally coming to an end then boom another plot twist. But I hope it just us being so paranoid but in the end it won't really be the start of another nightmare. 

But...

So COVID19 cases reported today is just over 800 which is the lowest in a long time. The daily cases trend has been so good and I was really beginning to hope for a better 2022 but now the news of a new potentially deadly variant found in South Africa is dampening my mood. Hopefully, this won't be another cause of problem again. It's so tiring

Need to Feel

Christmas season is upon us! There will be caroling this year as allowed by the powers that be! I haven't been inside a mall lately but the decorations are all over from what I see outside. I sincerely hope I can feel more of the jolly holiday spirit and I get out of this sullen mode I've been lately. I'll try to get in the mood, maybe watch Christmas movies? I don't know. I really hope and pray the last month of 2021 will be saved from any worrying situation that will give me so much anxieties. Please Lord give this to me.

Tricky

 I'm in such a weird spot lately. I just feel so confused and messed up. There are so many things bugging my mind that I don't know what to do really. But I carry on each day facing life's uncertainties the best way I can. December is next week. It used to be my favorite month but I now feel so much dread. I'm scared of so many things that I can't enjoy life as it is. I always keep in mind things could be worst and yet I can't stop thinking what awaits could be terrible too. Oh Dear Lord please help find hope and peace.

No Way

  I think ahead and all I see is grim. How do you try not to think of darkness when it is seeping little by little overwhelming your senses. You know a moment of peace won't last, there's always something that's gonna ruin it eventually. You can't fully experience because there's always  a price for it. You want to be mad but you can't feel ungrateful that the worst has not happened yet. You always have to be the bigger person and handle everything as calmly as possible. But you are not made of stone despite trying to be that kind of person. You can't escape because even if you do there's no way you won't feel guilty so what's the point? Just endure as long as you can. Suck every single piece of frustration you have until you feel numb. There's just simply something you can't do. 

Not Happening

 I've been seeing this tweet going around about a breadwinner already traumatized to start a family of his own. I'm no breadwinner but currently carrying a big responsibility to my family that starting my own one is just nowhere near my future. And to be honest, I don't want to. I love the idea of having one though. I dreamed of it. It's just not something possible with my current situation and responsibilities. It does make me sad sometimes that I can't make my own path. 

Around

 I spent a good part of the afternoon watching documentaries on YouTube specifically human interest stories specific to a country. From the so-called leftover women in China, how dating works in modern Iran, water supply struggles in Pakistan, feminist movement and abuse of mentally disabled people in South Korea, rediscovering rural living in Japan, bleaching issues in South Africa to the pest struggles in the farms of Kenya! There's a lot of great professionally done narrative journalism you can find on YouTube these days and my mind is satisfied. 

Step Inside

 So I attended a meeting at my nephew's school and they encouraged for the students to go there too under safety measures of course. While my nephew was too lazy to come first, we convinced him to come because it will be the first time he will see his school since enrolling for his high school phase last year. Since he spent his pre-school and elementary years in a small school here in our subdivision, he was so amazed to be in a bigger school. I saw the excitement in his eyes! While they won't be coming back to face to face classes anytime soon as the principal announced earlier, they encouraged the parents to get the kids vaccinated as soon as possible to make this a reality. I really hope my nephew will have his real school experience next year at the very least!

Crack

 Something happened today which I'm not gonna lie is something I was hoping would happen just to shake those who refuses to see what's totally wrong. But I'm not trying to be hopeful that this could lead to a more meaningful mindset from the general public. I've been burned too many times but maybe this could be a game changer? I hope so. We desperately need  to get out of this darkness.

Defeatist

Negative thoughts are drowning me lately that a way for me to fight them off is to keep myself and preoccupied most of the time. It's really quite unhealthy that I always think of failing, of losing hope and letting the worst-case scenario grapple me. I'm just scared to think positive then ultimately end up losing. I'm so nervous about where everything is going. I need to stop accepting things if I can do something about it to change the fate. Oh God please guide me. 

You Need to Calm Down

 So after my meltdown last night, I have calmed down. Good thing I kept all those negative energy to myself and not let people know or feel what I'm going through because it would just create unnecessary stress. Unwanted tension. I had a good cry last night in bed trying to sleep and I woke up feeling better. I had a little mini meltdown to myself awhile ago too but my sensible side won thank God. I now go back feeling hopeful, very nervous but fighting for courage. I need to. 

Another L in the Forehead

 So I had this wake up call over a matter that has been an issue for years but I looked the other way so I won't get stressed about it and just hoped it would work out eventually. But now I'm facing the consequences of my negligence. I hope I can work this issue out soon enough. I'm a massive disappointment. I guess it's good I basically closed myself off from anyone so I embarrass myself less.  Or is it? I don't know. I'm just clueless.  

Sub

Yeah the expected political moves happened today and it's still worrying me a lot. I'm afraid that people already experience some form of freedom today will just ignore all the awful stuff that happened. The fanaticism on social media is alarming. So antagonistic. I'm scared, very scared.

Block

 Going to the office tomorrow because there's office service so I'll take advantage of that but honesty it's also a way for me to get distracted and avoid the news tomorrow which will definitely just stress me out because of one inevitable stunt coming to fruition. I feel so scared for next year because I do feel they will win. I have so many frustrations but feel so helpless. So I'll just try to escape at every opportunity.

Well, Well. Well?

 I jumped in the All Too Well 10 Minute Version bandwagon! Say what you want about Taylor Swift but she has really this storytelling power! This song is quite affecting in this major extended edition! It's #1 on Spotify Worldwide which is impressive because in the screaming age, the shorter the song, the more the streams it gets so for a 10-minute song to go #1 is mighty impressive!

***

Crazy days at my country. Political moves that are widely expected but still infuriating. I admit I'm scared they will win. But still clinging to hope there it won't be the case 

Still...

Traffic is really back but while there less restrictions. It still doesn't feel close too normal to me. It just is. 

Office began putting up Christmas but it just made me sad. Second year of a Christmas like this. But I will try to beat this sadness I feel and muster up as much enthusiasm as I can. 

Five

 My family received an unexpected blessing today that made my parents so happy! Whenever I see Nanay and Tatay happy, my heart is full as well. I hope this is a good sign of better days because this has been a tough year. While there will always worries, I fight each day to stay positive and hopeful and a good day like this helps me not to lose hope completely.

New connections

 So today I applied for a bundle cable TV service and fiber Internet connection from a new company that is entering our town. It's local-based company and I've read reviews from its sister company from another and mostly good reviews so I can't wait to have this installed in our house. Our current cable sucks so much ever since they got bought out by a larger company, they were better when they were just a small company, good thing we never upgraded to include Internet service because all I hear about their service is horrible. Hopefully, the fiber internet connection will be good too because the prepaid WiFi we've been using for 2 years now have been failing us lately! 

Solidify

So I was just reminded literally a few minutes ago why I should never be complacent. Absorbing another person's anxiety is so tough but I need to do it. No room for myself to be honest. I need on constant alert all the time. I have such big fears of what is ahead that I just try to avoid thinking about it but I can't escape from it. I'm living it each day. At least my gut feel over a major call is making more sense each day.  It needs to be done for everybody's sake.

Here for the Season

 Yeah, they are still the ones that can produce a Christmas that truly makes me feel like it is the yuletide season. There's always something enchanting and sincere about it. Their song always connects to me.

A Lesson Learned

 I  was watching the news earlier and they were asking common people what they want from a candidate. There was this man who I judged that is in the same "political fandom" just because of his background in life and how he talks but boy I was wrong. He made so much sense and very sensible with his opinions too. Not driven by propaganda, not driven by hate, not driven by antagonism but he became from a place where he just had enough of the hardships in life and simply wants accountability and fairness. I really should not judge people easily. What he said made me ponder if I am also falling in the trap of judging people easily because of how others behave. I should not be blinded by the loud antagonism and bending of truth by people out there. There are real people out there who are not easily swayed by those. And hopefully there are more.  

Timing

  So one thing didn't go as planned today and that led to some consequences. Not MAJOR consequences but still substantial enough to stress me out so much. Admittedly, my anxiety is rooted to my incessant overthinking! I hope it will be settled tomorrow because prolonging this will just lead to unnecessary agony. 

Roundup!

With the cancellation of Mom, Superstore, American Housewife and Brooklyn Nine Nine, my regular comedy schedule has slimmed down but I still continue to watch what's left! So thoughts on the current US Broadcast live action comedies

The Goldbergs - The season premiere tribute to George Segal was so heartfelt and a great way to honor his legacy! After that, it's the same old Goldbergs formula. Sometimes it still hits those funny bones but the same beats over and over again is just tiresome

The Wonder Years 2021 - Generally good show that explores coming-of-age topics so well and sensibly but I gotta admit it's really not LOL funny, it's amusing at best. But still a pleasant show watch.

The Conners - The Darlene storyline has potential especially with her exploration of faith and existential crisis but the character is just annoying and she deserves what Ben is giving her right now! Dan-Louise wedding was the highlight of the season so far, it was so hilarious! Laurie Metcalf continues to deliver the big laughs each episode, she's just amazing!

Home Economics - The show is trying to do a mix of Happy Endings and Modern Family but the problem is? Weak cast chemistry!

The Neighborhood - It's really a good joke/banter-heavy sitcom. Pretty basic but lovable cast.

Bob Hearts Abishola - The wedding episode was so vibrant and a pleasure to watch. Now the main couple is married, they are entering interesting plotlines so far.

Young Sheldon - This season is really handing the build up to Sheldon's dad fate really well with careful study of why George is facing a crisis that will ultimately end up to what Sheldon told us on Big Bang Theory. Also like Georgie's storyline too!

Ghosts - Best broadcast comedy of the moment! The latest episode made me tear up at the same time making me laugh out loud with that Bachelor-type show the ghosts were watching!

B Positive - The second season has a major pivot! It shifted from kidney donation to now being set at a senior home! The first episodes were rough to be honest as they wrap up the previous central storyline and builded the blocks to the new focus of the show. But the last 2 episodes when they finally focused with the new setup has been good so far with new senior characters introduced with interesting storylines. However, the love angle between the leads is tiresome!!!

Side note: They changed the opening from the bloody animated organ operation to a broadway-inspired number with Annaleigh Ashford front and center and I love it!

Of the non-US broadcast comedies I've enjoyed Ted Lasso, What We Do in the Shadows, The Other Two and my favorite Only Murders in the Building!  I'll write some thoughts maybe some other day

Unseen

 So last night Ayala avenue had its annual street lights started already. I just saw it in the news and not in person though because I was working from home yesterday but even if I work at the office I go home before 5PM so there's just no way for me to see it anymore. So for the second year in a row, I won't be able to see it again because there's no way I would stay late in the office these days. But damn 2 years of not experiencing this is making me a little sad. It was always a lovely thing to see and somehow makes me feel in the holiday spirit. Yeah, those days. Even if they are loosening up restrictions now, it's still far from normal, the real normal and not this new normal crap. I'm not sure if I will ever go back that way too. So much has changed.

Happy Birthday Tay!

 Tatay's 67th birthday today! Thank you Lord for keeping him healthy and strong. Please guide him always.

Paved

I had a good chat with an officemate today on how her family is affected by a road widening in their hometown and how they are getting the short end of the stick! They won't get compensated properly with the land they own that will be affected by it and those in power even insinuated that their land ownership over that was wrong in the first place. This a land their family owned for so long and it is only now really? She suspected that this so called widening is just for the benefit of one company because once the road widening their commercial property will now be accessible! I've read stories about this but now that I know someone personally that will get affected I really can't help but feel so frustrated even more! Are we really that powerless now?

Unknown

The start of the final 2 months of 2021! Hoping and praying things will get better personally! I want badly things to go back to normal but I also acknowledge it will never go back the way it once before. So I try my best to manage expectations, as long as it is not as terrible as I feared it will be okay. But I do wonder if this defeatist attitude will be good in the long run? Probably not but I always think of what's best for the moment. It's hard to plan for the future when a lot of things are uncertain. I do wish I was less afraid. It's so frustrating my issues are still the same all these years but my situation has gotten more complicated so whatever dreams I have are further away from reality. 

Both Sides Now

 I watched the movie CODA today and absolutely love it. Truth be told, it didn't reinvent the coming-of-age drama wheel but it has an interesting POV as it is from a Child of Deaf Adults and they casted legit deaf actors for the role so it was more authentic. The story basically tells on how pursuing one's path but is hard if you don't want to leave your family behind because they badly need you in their lives. Are you selfish for thinking your own personal interest? How the story panned out was admittedly predictable but still it was such well done movie that the ending was earned. The last part were so moving, a scene where the father is feeling her daughter's vocal chords while she is singing absolutely destroyed me! And the final musical moment involves the song Both Sides Now that was so affecting and has now led me to singing the Joni Mitchell song frequently now! The movie is streaming worldwide on Apple TV+  if you wanna check it out!

Another Dose

 My brother finally got his first dose of vaccine today. So that's just leave Nanay and my 13-year old nephew unvaccinated. Nanay's case we have to wait for her doctor's advice first but hopefully soon. Same with my nephew now that his age group will be allowed to get vaccinated soon. I really hope by 2022 things can have a true semblance of normalcy. 

Goes On

 So today was officially the last day of my co-workers who were retrenched.  Some approached to say goodbye and I really felt sad. And I just spent the last few hours reading their farewell messages on Facebook and sending my regards too. I don't show it that much in person but I'm sentimental  so I can't help but feel this way whenever people leave especially the ones I've worked with and have known for many years. And honestly even the ones I never had the chance to work with because we've seen each other's faces for a long time  so there's always that familiarity. I've been with the same company for 12 years so I've seen so many people come and go but each exit will always bring out a level of sadness.

Exits

 Some of my co-workers who got retrenched said their goodbyes. I'm not really close to anyone of them to be honest but still you've seen each other's faces for years in the same office so it's still sad really especially how it's not really their choice and not what the company prefers too. It's just necessary in order to survive in this tough economic situation. November is about to begin and all I can hope is that a promise of a better tomorrow is ahead. 

A Year Gone

 Today marks the first death anniversary of my beloved Tito Romy. I was there when he passed away and I will never forget his last few moments, the struggle he was facing and the moment he cried for one last time. Those images you just can't forget it. I miss Tito a lot. I still can't believe he is no longer with us and his last few months he was physically suffering because of his illness. He didn't deserve it. Hope you are at peace up there Tito, I will never forget you

Blocked

 The minor roadblocks in life these days give me a hard time inside. I feel like I should never be happy because there could be something in exchange for it. I need to be cautious, I need to guard my thoughts. The past few months were just so traumatizing that I can't shake this feeling of dread all the time. I'm always  worried and scared but I can't allow myself for anyone to know that. 

Wood Knock

 Got stressed today because I could feel her anxiousness. But in general at least it was still manageable and she seems to relax now. Whenever I'm facing this, I can't help but imagine the worst case scenario. I don't know why I do this to myself. I'm scared everyday and I distract myself everyday. But you can't escape it really. Oh Dear Lord please soothe our souls. 

Divide / Conquer

 Since restrictions have loosened there are now recreational areas in NCR open to the public even kids and seniors. There's this controversial "beach" that is now swarmed by people. Quite scary looking actually. A potential super spreader event. It does bother minors are allowed there and yet schools are largely closed. Oh well, it's really hard to love the country and general public these days.  But I really need to fight feeling this way to the common Pinoy. We are all being manipulated one way or another. I watched this documentary earlier about the conflict of Greek Cypriots and Turkish Cypriots in Cyprus and one comment struck me and it came from an old woman who witnessed the conflict all her life and she said politics found a way to to instill hate toward each other to better control us. I can feel that more than ever. 

Priorities

 Finished a work task that I was supposed to be done with yesterday but I had concentrating problems. It's due on Monday so I still had enough but I was hoping not to do any work stuff on a weekend! That's really a big challenge working from home, so many distractions at home to be honest. Usually I get things better at night when there are no more errands to do. Not complaining of course and I'm just glad I have work that allows me to do a hybrid office-home setup especially with what happened to my personal life this year, I really need to have a lot of time spent at home taking care of family needs. 

Pondering

 I made a choice although I'm not the prime decision maker but I made my voice heard and seems we're on the same page as well. To be honest, it's a scary choice but the thing is I'm trusting my gut. It also came with the sad acceptance of the inevitability. But not gonna think about it too much because it will drive me mad. But fear is engulfing me too. Lord please give us a sign it's the right choice.

Check Up

Tatay renewed his driver's license today and a medical checkup was needed and for the first time since 2018 he finally consulted a doctor again! Thank God he is generally in good health and still fit to drive. Underlying issue is high blood pressure where doctor gave him new maintenance medicines. It's a relief and may God bless Tatay and let him have continue to have good health 

Safe Watch

Today media release from Cinema Exhibitors Association of the Philippines references a recent study in Germany which concluded cinemas are safer than almost any other indoor environment, as long as safety guidelines are followed like mask-wearing and proper air ventilation

Quoting the press release:

The same German research took into account the following factors in its conclusion:

1. People spend an average of only two hours at a cinema 

2. People inside the cinema simply sit down and face the same direction which is known to reduce transmission risks

3. People are not talking to each other during a movie, which minimizes possibility of infection

And the protocols that will be admitted that was patterned set by America’s National Association of Theatre Owners (NATO) and endorsed by epidemiologists. 

Monitoring of moviegoers’ body temperature as they enter the cinema

Moviegoers to present authentic vaccination card

Implement regulations set by the IATF and LGUs on facial coverings

No eating inside the cinema

Enforce socially-distanced seating

Encourage contact-less transaction in ticket-purchasing

 Improved air ventilation

Availability of hand sanitizers at the cinema entrance

 Mandatory hand-washing every 30 minutes for cinema employees

Deep cleaning between screenings

 

And as the president of the Cinema Exhibitors Association of the Philippines said

“We have devoted the past 19 months of cinema closure identifying solutions and precautions based on science.  We will implement these measures to confidently welcome back movie fans to cinemas and send them home safe.”

So yes I'm definitely in favor of the reopening of the theaters, give them a chance to prove they can do this safely! An estimated 300K lost their jobs due to the cinema closures so this would help them.

It was already announced that November 10 would be the reopening date followed by Warner Bros Philippines announcing Dune will be one of the movies opening that day.

Rooting for a safe return to the cinemas!. 

Not Quite

 I asked a person in the know and he said to me that like almost all cinemas are still not open despite being allowed  because well basically they have no manpower anymore. And still waiting if they can remain open for good. A lot of cinemas invested in safety protocols back in February in anticipation of a March reopening and we know what happened with that. It really crushed the hearts of many workers. Now a lot of them aiming for November reopening if things can go well but they remain skeptical and that they will be closed again. Hopefully this will work out smoothly soon enough, for people to get their jobs back and restore the way movies are best seen. Safely of course! I heard that local movie distributors are already preparing their titles! Hoping for the best really

Reel

Big thanks to my video editor James patiently searching all the hard drives on my vault to compile the title cards of the all of the programs we aired on TeleNovela Channel Philippines Our little channel's history in the decade of its existence! I'm a proud channel coordinator! :)
 

Sent!

 Whew, that work task I procrastinated yesterday is finally done! I worked on it all day and finished just right now. But I didn't cram the work and I honestly said was very focused and didn't rush stuff. I was keen on the details because I don't want to mess this up as this could be a start for additional task that will honestly benefit me in the long run so hopefully my work will have good feedback so I can expect more to come!

A Little Pressure

 I was supposed to do a work-related stuff today but I put it off because I just want to relax for the day but tomorrow I NEED to finish this task which is halfway done so hopefully I can pull it off.  I need to concentrate so I can do it well. It's not an easy task to be honest and I really should have worked on it today. I feel guilty but I've worked hard this week so I justify my procrastination that I need some time to do something that can relax me! Hopefully, it won't bite me in the end. Can't afford to mess this up

Curtains Up

 Cinemas are finally allowed again in Metro Manila starting tomorrow. Only fully vaccinate can enter with a limit of 30% capacity. That's reasonable. I haven't read any report anywhere in the world linking an outbreak in cinemas so I think the risk is not as high as people feared because I've read some violent reactions with this. I understand the concern but how about giving the industry a chance to prove they can open safely too? Too many jobs lost already and having this industry finally opening up again will be a small but good help to all those who lost their jobs due to the closure to get it back again. 

Tantrum

 After a tiring commute because of rain and traffic, I got home facing stress. It's not a big issue but I had to deal with mood swings and really tested my patience. I almost lost it but was able to save a bigger problem in the end. It's so tough, I feel like giving up sometimes but I can't and won't do it. But I can't help feel this way each time I face a problem like this. Just tired and frustrated and sad and scared. 

Juggle

 Work from home today and it was quite hectic because our globe prepaid WIFI is having technical issues so the Internet is slow. Good thing we recently bought a Smart-PLDT prepaid WIFI too for backup so my nephew's online classes was not interrupted. I'm the one using the Globe WIFI and while it was spotty around lunch it eventually got better but still not as fast as it used to be. It has been an issue for 3 days now. I hope this is just temporary thing. Working at home ain't easy because in the middle I do house errands like buying meds and some stuff needed at home. Work load is quite hectic because I have another task on hand which I ain't complaining because it will be added income. Life is so hard so you really gonna make things work. Since we recently had retrenchment news too so I'm just thankful I'm not part of it. But still sad those who will leave in the coming weeks. There are just 7K reported cases today and hopefully start of the downward trend please

Caught a vibe

 Checked out what the kids are listening to these days and Meet Me At Our Spot grabbed me instantly at first listen! Apparently this song was released early 2020 but this live performance went viral on TikTok (which has become the hit generator of this era) and now the record label is now promoting it as official single now. The lady Willow, is Will Smith's daughter and had a hit novelty song Whip Your Hair when she was a child. What a total turnaround! Her voice is so good for alternative/rock genre!

10!

 The Cable TV industry is facing a lot of challenges these days so for our little channel to last this long is a blessing! I was not part of the channel's team from day one but I'm the longest at 9 years! I've learned a lot overseeing the channel's operations over the years. Thank you to all people I've worked with: the production assistants, video editors, producers, engineers, OJTs, our clients, our bosses, the pay TV operators and of course the viewers! Happy 10th anniversary TeleNovela Channel. We are seen on Sky Cable Ch. 81, Cignal Ch. 126, SatLite Ch. 92, Cignal Play Premium and various local cable operators nationwide 🙂

A little escape

 This afternoon I spent watching TV shows - Ghosts (US), The Other Two, The Conners, What We Do in the Shadows. All comedies because that's why I need right now. Light and easy to consume shows. I've also been watching documentaries on YouTube as of late Most if is about other countries, their issues and such. Maybe I just wanted an escape from this country's issues by finding out what's going in other countries. 

Noise

 The political talk very heated now on social media and hence I'm avoiding it. I'm just not in the proper mindset to deal with the stress of political talk right now. I wish I was eloquent enough to speak my mind in a way I could convince or at least make people ponder on their choices. But I'm not. I'm meek. I can get discouraged easily in heated talks. This time is tougher too so many  aggressiveness and obnoxiousness, I can't deal with it, I get anxious and stress and I have enough stress in personal life to add that. But I'm definitely scared how social media can affect voting choices. 

Rock

So on the last day of filing of those who want to run for office, there was a last minute "stunt", someone you didn't expect to run for the top position did and it honestly felt like a mockery. He was even a mess when being interviewed. But I'm sure some people found it funny. A lot of us suspect that this is just temporary, a placeholder for a substitution. Another stunt. Same playbook from the last time. Oh goodness, please not the same result too.

Pink

 Finally someone I like has made a decision to run for top position at next year's election. A quick scan of my social media and I see there's a lot of support but I won't be confident because the opponents are vicious and they are loud. I will be anxious until the results are in. I'm trying to manage my expectations but I really want a change to happen next year. I'm nervously hopeful. So tired of obnoxiousness and rampant anomalies center and front. Oh Dear Lord please guide the country to the right path. 

Clenched

 The filing of those who will run for the elections is making me so anxious! I'm just really scared those people will win again. You could feel how heavy their campaign on social media is, bot-like behavior now and of course they are clearly influencing the masses now. I overheard our van driver telling he would vote that person, I wish I was eloquent enough to speak out but I'm not. He is a very nice guy so you can't really judge their whole personality just because of this problematic politics. How many good-natured people could be influenced just like that? Oh Lord please enlighten the voting public, please.

Maybe next time..

 There's this buzz about this new Netflix Korean show Squid Game and isn't just here in Asia but around the world it has topped Netflix charts. Call it FOMO or what but naturally I got curious too but upon seeing the clips online, this show is not for me at this period of time. I sure get the thriller part of it but not too keen on watching a show about people experiencing so much misery. This isn't the escape I want right now. Life right now whether personal or national, there's just too much frustrations and fears that I just don't want feel or bad in my scripted media consumption for now. 

Frustrating

 Current news is so infuriating like this turn of events that a supposed whistleblower changed her story! But it's so predictable because she's now in the custody of their allies! I still can't believe that stuff like this that usually happens just on TV and movies are now happening in real life! I can't help but continue feeling hopeless 

Inadequate

 Yeah, one of those nights that I'm falling into deep into my insecurities and frustrations. I lack a lot of eveything needed in life and all I do is just whine about it. I have nothing to offer. When challenging times like this happen, I feel so helpless. I can only do so much with so little. 

Same Old

 So filing of candidacy started yesterday and all the usual stuff. Today there was even a stunt from someone saying he won't run, whatever! We already saw this same gimmick but of course there will be people who's gonna eat this up! Yes, I'm scared that there won't be a meaningful change next year. 

Shaky

 Found out that the company will lay off some people to cut costs. Oh well, times are truly hard and I really feel bad to those who will lose their jobs. This is the second time in my 12 years with the company that this happened. The last time though our company was saved from total bankruptcy when we scored a big client - ABS-CBN. While ABS is still our client but given their state as well, the projects we have with them are not as big as before. Yeah that's why I'll forever be mad to those who rooted for their franchise denial. There are rumors that we might move to a new office too although thankfully still in Ayala, Makati. I won't deny I feel worried. I hope we survive this soon enough. 

Extended

 Today was supposed to be the last day of registration for new voters as well as those who moved to new places or re-active theirs after skipping an election. But the unexpected turnout of people plus the loss of days due to lockdown has led to its extension until next month. I'm pleasantly surprised with how many people were willing to line up as early as dawn just to get registered. I hope I'm not romanticizing it but I feel like there's this clamor to seek a change after all that we have been through. I'm still trying to manage my expectation as the past 6 years have taught me well that things could really get to worst than one can imagine but I'm clinging to this ray of hope that I'm seeing. Oh Dear Lord please a positive change happen next year

Trying

 It's really unsettling to see fear in her eyes. This time I have to be the grown up and I'm not sure if I have what it takes. I'm somehow in denial of everything. I know and accept what the deal is but I'm not mentioning it because it just makes things feel more real. See this blog post, I'm being vague because I can't type out the true words because it makes me feel so sad and scared. I'm such a coward but still trying my best to be brave. I don't want them to feel how scared I am.

Constant Worries

 Nanay is having trouble sleeping lately again and it is mostly due to anxiety. She is just worried about her health constantly and it pains me to see her this way. Physically she's in good condition but she's currently just staying in her room as advised by her doctor. Radio and TV keeps her entertained but that can only do much because she's just not used to doing nothing so I get her frustrations. It is hard balancing comforting her but also being strict as well because sometimes she does not want to take some of her meds or wants to eat something not good for her. It's been really hard to be honest but we're making it work. Oh Dear Lord please bless my mother and soothe her soul. 

Shaken

 There was an earthquake around 1AM today, it was quite scary and woke me up from my sleep. It lasted only a few seconds but it was so memorable. Probably the hardest earthquake shake I've ever felt in my life. Thank God nothing bad happened. A life shattering earthquake is something I will never want in life

Alert

 I wish I could stop worrying. For now everything seems fine and that worries me because of what lies ahead. Too good to be true. I don't want to be too comfortable because I'm afraid of the possibility that I get caught off guard. I don't want to feel this way all the time but I need to be prepared nowadays. I hate living a life in fear of the worst case scenario 

Crucial

Presidentiables are popping left and right but I'm worried that this will just pave the way for them to remain in power. I'm keeping myself from obsessing about it too much because it ain't healthy. I already have a lot of personal things to deal with so no need to add more to my anxieties. But still I can't help worry where things will go. I hope this won't be a losing battle, we need meaningful change next year. 

Cable

 Real life is quite stressful these days but I'm managing things as best as I can. I'm doing a lot of work stuff lately and it's helpful to take my mind off my anxieties. Majority of my work load right now is watching/previewing TV shows. Mexican, Chinese and Filipino! It's so helpful to make me not dwell on negative thoughts! Speaking of work, new shows on TeleNovela Channel have occupied a lot of my time lately! The channel will turn 10 this year! I've been a part of this project for 9 years, supervising for  6 years. It's quite a miracle we are still here especially with many cable channels closing lately. The team working on this channel's operations is small and we have limited resources. Multitasking is the norm. I'm proud though how we manage to keep this running as smooth as possible despite the limitations. Over the years, I've worked with around 15 video editors and many engineers (mostly just e-mail / text interactions though since they are on a remote site). Also loved meeting the provincial cable operators during conventions which won't be happening anytime soon. Although the last cable convention in 2019 was smaller in scale compared before. Now with Solar channels down to 2, FOX international channels and many more  gone if there will be another convention some day it will be so different. But the cable business has changed too. More are pivoting to providing Internet as top service with pay TV just a side offering and not the focus anymore. 

It was a busy day today so I was just in random work-related nostalgic mode. 

Switch

 Nanay's blood sugar is now on a good level after skyrocketing last week but she does have mild anemia now which the doctors say is normal for a person who went through a major operation and blood transfusion. She prescribed vitamins. I've also learned Nanay's father, my grandfather who passed away way before I was born, also had anemia. Nanay got a little anxious although the doctor said not to. When she's anxious it's really a challenge to calm her down. Not gonna lie it really puts my patience to test. I have to be stricter with her too because sometimes she does not want to take her medicine. Back when I was a child she would reprimand me when I struggle drinking my medicines especially capsules and those syrup with awful taste. Things have changed now and sometimes I still feel uncomfortable in this position now. Says so much how I matured right. Anyway, my mother's health is my top concern now and please Lord keep her healthy. 

Results

 Tatay is fully vaccinated now with the hard to get Moderna! He was so happy that he got his Vaccination card laminated so he could wear it as an ID of some sort! It's a sigh of relief that he had added protection. Nanay's lab results are out too, I could understand one part of it which shows good development but of course I'm no medical expert so will have to wait for the doctor explanation tomorrow for her check up. Hoping all is good.

Worried/Relieved

Another test tomorrow and I'm really hoping and  praying for favorable results . I always get stressed but I never show it to avoid inciting panic but I struggle with this inner worries each time. Oh Lord please guide my Nanay.

Meanwhile, Tatay will get his second dose of the Moderna vaccine tomorrow too! I feel so happy that Tatay didn't have to wait a long time to get fully vaccinated especially since his vaccine is quite hard to get here. 

Losing It

 Stressed out once more as I deal with anxiety. Not just my own but loved ones as well. I feel like giving up sometimes but I can't. I won't . But it's really testing me to be honest, I feel like breaking down. I try to console myself that there are other worst case scenario to take things into perspective but during the moments like this when I face yet another stressful situation, it's so hard to handle. It's so hard to stay sane. But I can't break down. I just can't. I don't want to. 

Sting

Quite a stressful day as I once again became the middleman of two conflicts. The root of the conflict is a very small thing but I don't know people seek drama or pride just gets in the way. This has been so repetitive so the best thing that I do is just not added fuel to the fire because I just want peace of mind. It's so tiring and it does not help my toothache has returned. Dealing with today has been such a hassle

Blind

 My brother shared how he overheard some of his co-workers bashing the "opponents" of the current regime. They are believing everything he says even if is already blatantly obvious how shady the deals of the people connected to him. Despite everything that is happening their really is still a lot of people supporting him no matter what. I don't understand why. We just had over 23K cases today. Second highest of all time. I feel so hopeless

Dim

 Here at the office and done with today's work. I'm actually just killing time now because my carpool will arrive at 4:30 PM.  There are a few people left  and half of the office is dark with the lights turned off. A year and a half later and I still can't help but feel with this so-called new normal. I got used to how to work now in a pandemic but I still long for the "before" times. Friday is even quieter these days as seen in the streets of Ayala. A strike contrast pre-March 2020 where Fridays are so hectic! I miss it a lot now. When will this end? How will it look once the dust settles? So much certainty. 

What I Want This Christmas

100 days before Christmas! Another holiday season in this pandemic. Managing my expectations but hoping for the best. Praying for stress-free Christmas. I hope Nanay's recovery will continue and all other health threats will be squashed. Same goes in general to my family, save us from a life threatening diseases That's truly what I want for this Christmas.

Good Doctor

 Nanay's checkout went well but some lab results for her diabetes management needs some work to get it back to the level three months go but the doctor was so reassuring and answered our every inquiry very well. That's the kind of doctor I really like and you could see how Nanay is comfortable with her too. That's really important. Glad Nanay decided to continue going to this clinic where her records are there and the clinic is so good. The doctor that handled her diabetes concerns at the hospital where she had her operation has a schedule that's way too packed that when we had her post-operation checkup we waited for nearly 3 hours for her to arrive and past 5PM too! Not ideal and honestly during the consultation I felt like she was rushing us off because of the queue of patients. Major red flag and her consultation fee is 700! In our regular clinic it's less than 400 pesos. It really was a no brainer and glad I didn't have to convince Nanay  because she made the decision herself.  Getting a good doctor is so essential and glad we found one that Nanay trusts and makes her feel safe. 

Worries, Worries

Nanay's regular checkup for her diabetes tomorrow. I checked the lab results and while I'm no expert but since I've been accompanying her for over a year now I have some idea how it works and I think the results are something that we should be cautious about but of course will have to wait for the doctor's professional advice tomorrow. I'm preparing myself now though but hopefully my worst fears won't come to fruition. It's been a challenge monitoring Nanay's health these days. She does look okay and not frail but I do feel she's quite worried about her health. I hate to see Nanay in that state but still it could have been worst and she's still in better condition. Oh Lord please bless Nanay. Tatay too whose experiences arthritis too but he's quite active doing some household chores so that's good I guess. I'm 34 and it's normal stage of life now but I sometimes I still feel nervous and pressured about looking after my parents' health. It's been one heck of an emotional ride and still surviving the best way I can. 

No!

 Nanay had trouble sleeping last night and got so anxious. Tonight she's sleeping well. She will have some routine lab tests tomorrow. Hoping and praying for good results. I was glad one medical decision I really wanted to happen but she rejected initially will now happen as she changed her mind earlier. I do think it's for the best and Nanay realized that too. It's been a challenge handing her recovery but she's in good spirits and sometimes I forget her condition because everything feels normal these days. But sometimes negative stuff crosses my mind, imagining a bad scenario. It's so hard to feel this way but I'm trying my best to fight it off because right now there's no room for that kind of bad energy. No way. 

A1

 My laptop keyboard is having issues with letter A and number 1. Sometimes they don't appear as instant as it should. It's making some of my work quite a hassle. Yeah I really need a new laptop but I can't afford right now. Things like this makes me frustrated. What to do but deal with it the best way I can. It's still function decently but days like this makes me wish I'm in a better financial state. 

26, 303

 Record breaking COVID19 cases today in the Philippines! Meanwhile, admin is busy defending their shady deals in relation to the pandemic deals, attacking those who are scrutinizing their very very very questionable transactions. One official too was caught bad mouthing health workers for daring to demand what they deserve. We are truly living such horrible times. May pagbabago ba next year? Sana meron

Floating

 Went to the office today and definitely made the right call as I was so engrossed with work today that I didn't have time to linger on unhealthy thoughts. I definitely more focused when I'm at the office. More productive too. I can't work regularly at the office for a lot of reasons from financial to family matters to attend at the house and of course it still isn't safe with the never-ending nightmare of this virus. I don't really know when things can go back to how it used to be. Will it ever go back? I sure hope so. 

Overwhelmed

I'm trying to stay positive despite all the negative stuff surrounding me. It's hard really to have a happy disposition when I have so many worries in life. Personal to National. Maybe even  the world. I don't know why I feel this way. Drowning with so much anxiety but I need to stay strong. Being patient is hard as well. But I keep reminding myself about worst situation. I'm torn of whether to seek for personal happiness as well, I just can't right now. 

Necessary Distraction

 Typhoon hit parts of the country today. I was supposed to go to the office but didn't push through thankfully as commuting would have been extra hard. I'm a bit swamped at work due to an additional task but honestly I don't mind because it keeps me busy to not dwell with the frustrating news each day/ Things are so much worst right now that's really driving me mad. I'm so tired of feeling this way. God please help this country. 

Messy

 So after a backlash and a lot of concerns, Metro Manila won't go back to GCQ tomorrow. What a mess. Good thing I was so preoccupied at work today so I didn't have the time to bury myself deep into the ever confusing pandemic management. I'm really scared where we really are heading. So disorganized. 

Face palm

Over 22,400 cases today. All time high yet restrictions will loosen up in Metro Manila and then flights coming to the country will be more open than ever. I don't know that plan anymore. Is there a plan really? My brother told me a Facebook post of a college classmate where he is ranting about the VP, yeah of all the issues in this country, it's the VP she's ranting about because according to him all she does is to be a contrarian. . That person is an OFW by the way. He's not here experiencing the hell we are going through. This kind of thinking just makes me more nervous for next year's elections. God help us

34

 34 today. My birthday wishes are:

1. Good health for my family especially Nanay who is recovering from her operation last month 

2. This pandemic finally ends. 

3. Meaningful and sensible change for 2022.  

On Hold

Nanay is doing good so far recovering from her operation but we still need to get clearance from the doctor on what to do next. So we are still waiting but I'm hopeful that everything will be fine soon. But not gonna lie from time to time scary thoughts cross my mind but please Lord don't let my fears happen. 

20K

 Over 20K covid cases today, 2nd highest of all time. And you could feel how fast it is spreading now. I've known so many people who have caught it recently. Thankfully a lot of them vaccinated so it didn't get worst and mostly mild cases. But damn this is so scary. When will this end? I'm so tired of this feeling. 

Fighting Hopelessness

May 2022 scares me. They are just too powerful that they can still win or find ways to stay in power. Even with all the blatant faults and issues, they are unwavering and they still have support. They have mastered how to control everything that benefits them. I'm so scared of them staying in power but one thing I can't afford it to lose hope that we can still have meaningful change. They can't take that away from us. I feel so much despair but I can't let it affect how I view things in the future. Please I hope I'm not wrong.

VaxMas

 Received my second dose of the vaccine today and hopefully COVID and its Delta variant backs off! At the vaccination site earlier they were playing Christmas song. Yeah the ber months have started but it's an even harder sell than last year. It's gonna be hard to have the holiday spirit. The pandemic, the political situation dampens everything. But really as long as my family especially my parents are in good health status, I'll be so happy. Please Lord bless my family and guide my parents most especially

Adjustment

 I received some good news - salary increase! I had been in talks about this for months with the bosses and hit a couple of snags  and today I finally signed the document making it official. I felt crying earlier. My salary still pales in comparison with people working for a BPO  I admit but nevertheless I'm happy and satisfied. It's  something hard to ask in these challenging times so the fact I was still able to get one is such good news. I especially need it more than ever with the concerns at home. Thank you to the company so much and I will definitely work harder than ever. Thank you Lord for the blessing.

22K

Over 22K cases today. It was inevitable but nonetheless frustrating. Where are we going? Will we even have a HAPPY holiday season? I feel so sad and hopeless. How can we get out of this? Will enough people wake up? I want change so bad.

Desalmada

So glad to finish this side project ahead of deadline. Hoping it works out and that I get to do more so I can  earn more. The balancing act will be a challenge but I'm at this point of my life where I'm so determined to make things work. I hope this will be a start of something that can lead me to good things. I also hope the support I have gotten to do this continues, I'm really careful not to break their trust and mess any tasks that could lead to them questioning their decision. I hope this pays off. I deserve it.

Side

 I was busy doing something I had to go some process and get permission first because I don't want to get in trouble. I want things are cleared before I go to do this. I could have this done long ago in secret or downlow but I won't be comfortable at all. Honestly, if I didn't have to do the right process, I could have more money by now but yeah I'm not that kind of person (maybe to a fault sometimes). But I'm proud I still stuck to my principles no matter what and hopefully I gain something from this in the long run. It's hard to believe that doing the right process can you take to a road to success given how a lot of people do otherwise in the guise of diskarte. I'm quite jaded lately but I still hang on to whatever idealism I still have left. I have to. I need to,

Short

 So my father asked help from a neighbor who supposedly has connections with a politician for financial assistance for my mother's medical condition. The neighbor was helpful but I think he raised my father's hopes way too much that he will get immediate financial help which wasn't the case and we will still have to wait for awhile. My father was so disappointed and he rants about it everyday this week. It's quite tiresome because it has become repetitive and he just can't let it go. He gets irritated about other unrelated things too because of that. It tested my patience but I need to be the bigger person. It's a shame we have come to this, practically begging. I wish I had enough money that finances won't be a worry for Nanay's future treatments. It truly sucks. I avoid thinking about the future and I just value things one day at a time 

Occupied

Busy all day attending to family errands like going to the market, buying food, paying my nephew's tuition and at the same time doing some work from home stuff. It's hard to balance things out to be honest but I need to do what I have to do. Aside from that, I still do the usual dealing with other people's moods. It's a challenge really. But you gotta count the good things especially in these trying times. The pandemic, the scary prospect of the election results next year and of course facing a health crisis of a loved one. I need to stay busy so I won't go insane worrying endlessly. 

Moderna!

Tatay is finally vaccinated! He received Moderna which is even more amazing! The vaccination process here is so slow and still not open outside Senior Citizens so glad Tatay finally got one. I'm envious too because he got the brand I want too! Glad he got this dose which is at least one less thing to worry about.

 

Sick

 So the current president wants to run for vice president next elections. He is moving things like it is local politics where the political clans just exchanges positions and abuse the loopholes. While we saw this coming, the fact that this is confirmed now it just making me feel so bad. In normal times, this should not be allowed or that he should not win at all but different times. The blatant manipulation and power play is sickening. I feel so hopeless yet again. 

Bad Energy

 Another day when patience is tested. We already facing a major and the last thing is bad energy. I feared that this would happen because this behavior is so predictable. Yes it came out of love and concern but this is going overboard. It is becoming so embarrassing. Please dignity. 

Need

 So today was a test of patience and I almost broke down. But good thing I managed to stay on course, on what should be done. I had mini meltdowns to myself but I need to constantly remind myself when things could get worse. The stress led me to think about some hurtful thoughts which thankfully I kept to myself,, I would so regret if I said it out loud. Lord, please guide me, please give me strength. 

Keep Hope Alive

 Nanay had her follow up check earlier and things went fine. The doctor is really nice and accommodating. He makes Nanay feel relaxed so that's a good thing. She was allowed to do some simple things like taking a bath. Nanay is strong so nice to see. We still have to wait for the next step and the doctor will just inform when is the next checkup. Oh dear Lord please let this be the start of a good path to full recovery. 

17K

 Today's COVID19 cases hit an all time high of 17, 231 cases. So scary So frustrating. So maddening. It's been two weeks since Tatay inquired to get vaccinated and they told him to just come back to see if a first dose is already available again. Nothing!. That's why I get annoyed with "magpabakuna na kayo!' and proposals of separating vaccinated people in some services. Fix the supply distribution first! Sure there's antivaxxers but how about focusing on those millions who are still waiting to get vaccinated first? I don't know when and how will this end. It's just making me feel so hopeless.