Exhausted

...... in more ways than I can handle.

I'm training myself to not care that deep anymore even though it's in my nature. Maybe caring a little less will make me happier or at the very least not to sink further in the abyss of frustrations. How much can I even do anymore at this point? Maybe just caring right in the middle will make me feel less troubled. I should give some space for selfishness.... or self care whatever. Maybe apathy is the way to go? I don't know, I'm just sick of the cycle. 

Medium

 So some family members are having conflict right now with each other that I'm the one being the bridgeway for them to communicate.  All the issues are so so shallow but I don't know pride takes over? I know it will eventually die down and they will just talk normally as if nothing happened. It's a common thing here, it's so exhausting but what can I do and be the mature one? I can't afford to be annoyed, I can't afford to blow up, I have to be the one who will give way, I have to be the one to understand. It's so stressful to be the shock absorber but I can't not care at all. It's in my nature. Nothing ever changes.

Connected

 My nephew is turning 13 in a 2 months and yeah I definitely see the teenager now. While I do like that he is becoming more independent with some stuff but I do miss the kid in him. We used to love watching  movies but now he's kinda over it as he is into more playing Roblox with his friends online. It makes sense of course that he is finding where he fits in and in a pandemic this is the way kids socialize now and I like that he finds a group where he is having a good time. I can't help but feel sentimental though because I've been part of his life every step of the way. I'm not sure I'll be a parent of my own but glad I had a taste of being one as I help raised my nephew. Now that his childhood is essentially over, I do hope I can help guide him the best way I can in his teen years too because it's a tricky phase of one's life. May God bless my nephew always. 

Shieldless

So hot topic today is if face shields will be no longer be enforced to be used by the general public. And various people from the admin are giving different answers. What else is new? Personally, I don't mind face shields but I don't want it to be mandatory, let people choose if they want so or not. Face masks are fine of course. But seriously over a year of this crisis and this is the stuff we are talking about. So exhausting. 

No Changes

 It's been almost a year since I went back to the office after a 3-month work from home setup due to the virus. Time flies yet it feels so slow. It's been a year of hearing "unti unti pagbubukas ng ekonomiya"  and  yet there's no real progress. The streets of Ayala are still sad to look at. It's been almost a year of going to the office twice or thrice a week because carpool is expensive so I can't do it everyday. it's been almost a year of surviving and struggling. Almost but still not quite enough.

More Push

 So once again I didn't do something I should have done long ago: speak up about a concern. I just feel so apprehensive and afraid of rejection. I've been through a lot of those in my life that I always condition myself of losing before even finding the result is, lower expectations, lower chances of feeling bad? Not really but I still do to it myself over and over again. Okay maybe tomorrow, I'll finally do it.

Good Push

 Mother's checkup went nice today thankfully. We also got an explanation why the clinic branch near us is temporarily closed due to lack of staff and doctors as some are doing vaccination drives and some doctors (including my nanay's favorite) left. Her diseases are controlled although her sugar level was a little hight compared to three months ago but not on an alarming level yet. The doctor also gave sound advice regarding vaccination and hopefully Nanay will be convinced later on take it.

Tomorrow Too Please

 So a felt better, there's still some pinches of pain from time to time but overall all was good and no excruciating life wrecking tooth ache. Thank God! Tomorrow, I pray for favorable results too. I always get nervous and trying my best to stay positive by not dwelling too much with thoughts like this. But it always lingers,  But please Dear Lord, don't my worries happen tomorrow. 

Sting

My toothache was really a challenge today! I did some errands for the family and it was struggle to function. I drank paracetamol and there was some relief but it wouldn't last that long. I will do ponstan tor advil tomorrow if the pain still persists. I know the best option is to go to a dentist but I can't afford to do so right now. My health card has dental but on select dental clinics only and they're in NCR so accessibility is an issue too and based from an officemate our dental package does not cover all fees especially during this pandemic with added protocol-set added fees to be shouldered by the patient. So I really hope this toothache like the previous ones I had won't last long or gets more complicated. I can't right now. 

ComebACHE

 My tooth ache is back after months of not having it. The sting is punching! What's weird is that this came back a day after I talked to a friend who was waiting inside a dental click to have his tooth extraction. What kind of signal is this? 

Out of Comfort

So the routine medical test for my mother had an unexpected hurdle because her clinic is closed and won't re-open until next year due to some unexplained reasons! We were recommended to another branch nearby which was fine but their lab tests services are currently on hold for unexplained reasons again! I don't know what's happening but I'm guessing it because this clinic chain is reconstructing as their old name was dissolved and now carries the name of the bigger health care organization. But it's  hassle because my mother likes going to this clinic as she feels more comfortable and my mother being comfortable is my #1 priority. Anyway, we will do a lab test on another clinic which she is fine with tomorrow but still have her checkup and read of the lab results at the other branch of the clinic she likes. Anyway, like always I pray to God that her lab results will be not alarming. We do this every 3 months but I can't help myself from worrying but of course I hide it from her because that's the last thing she needs. 

Planet

 So today I paid our cable service at their office because as per their social media they have billing issues that  prevents paying via third party like online wallets like GCash or even Bayad Center. You can only pay through their app or website which based on the comments on their social media pages have issues too! So no choice but to go straight to their office so I can get paper receipt as well just in case! Our cable service was better channel lineup, signal and customer service before when they were just simply an independent company but since they got acquired by a bigger company the service have gone worst. Good thing we never subscribed to their internet service which is expensive but has mediocre connection based on the hundreds  of complaints on their social media page! I thought of cutting this connection too  but the monthly fee is cheap and it never changed since we subscribed to them back in 2007. Our only other pay TV option is Cignal which is appealing but they don't have certain channels we regularly watch (ANCT/Teleradyo/MYX/C1). I'll considering leaving if they force us to move to digital cable because we are still in analog SD cable system. If I'm gonna go digital might as well go for the superior service. For now, like most aspects of my life gonna frustratingly settle for mediocrity. 

Interlaced

 I made some technical errors at a work task which sucks because I had to redo everything that had an error. However, with these mistakes, I do learn more especially a lot of things I wasn't aware of before and that keeps me more alert to not make the same mistake again and I learn more. I need to be more like this and make each mistake into something more on the positive side instead of beating myself up over and over again. I gain nothing from it but additional angst which just keeps me from moving forward. Note to self: More of this, less of that

Faith

 This vlog of Nicole Hyla had me in tears! I can't imagine  going through this kind of ordeal. Same time last year, we had major health issues with Nanay and I was so scared what more a parent of a child going through a life threatening illness! This was heartbreaking to watch also inspiring that fight for your faith because it's really hard these days but when you see stories like this, it gives you hope

Resisting

 I posted this on Facebook exactly a year ago

Maybe I'm just in denial but I can't fully embrace the "new normal". I would just like to think of this period as "temporary normal". I don't want to lose hope, we can still go back to the life we knew before

 I still feel the same a year later. I'm dealing with it because I have to and I have no choice. But I can't accept that this is the "normal", no way it is and should be that we just give up that there's a road to go back to a life without these restrictions, without these fear.. I need to keep hope alive.

Menial

 I watched a TV show today that made me reflect about my life. I love and hate it at the same time. I love because a good show like that stimulate one's mind but hate because it ends up making me evaluate my life's choices again. It sucks because it just reminds me what I don't and can't have. It's an ongoing cycle too that just have pauses because hey pandemic and frustrating government! I really should have been doing more productive things in my life than watch TV.  I wanted an escape but reality won't really let me do it. I hate feeling this way over and over again. No real growth and I just continue to beat my self up everyday. 

Step Back

I'm in a dilemma right now on how to speak up over a concern. I know I have a point but I feel so apprehensive saying it because I just think it won't work out in the end or I don't know if I have the right words to say. to send my message across. Also I'm shy. Or scared?  I'm 33 and I can't really be assertive sometimes. That's why I never get ahead in life because my fears control my decisions in life. The fear of making things more complicated than it should be. Afraid to rock the boat. I always do. 

Then and Now

 Just finished attending the virtual premiere of the digitally restored and remastered SOLTERA staring Maricel Soriano. This year I've been lucky because I've attended a lot of digital premieres  this year thanks to the generosity of the ABS-CBN Film Restoration head Mr. Leo Katigbak! I knew Sir Leo when he was still the head of Studio 23 and he would post on the channel thread at Pinoyexchange! I was able to interview him too for my thesis and I feel flattered that he still remembers me! Anyway, we are Facebook friends so after I've watched three digital premieres this year (Radio Romance, Tinimbang ang Langit and Soltero) , he have been inviting me to their digital premieres this year. And I've watched the digital premieres of Separada, Hey Babe, Paano Kita Iiibigin, Prinsesa at ang Pulubi and now Soltera. It's been my theatrical experience this year and great trip back memory lane. This movie SEPARADA I've actually watched in a theater when I was a kid back in 1999! My mother wanted to watch it so she tagged me along so I really didn't have a choice haha! Anyway, it's such an experience to watch a movie again now that I'm older and have more experience and insights so to speak! Anyway, the Sagip Pelikula Film Festival continues on KTX.ph and for this week here are the featured films! 

Cooler

 So it rained hard today and thankfully on my commute to the office and back home it wasn't  because that would have been stressful! Earlier tonight though the rain and winds were strong and there was another power outage! I actually fell asleep and just woke up a few minutes ago because power's back. And now I can't sleep so I opened my laptop and here I am! The rains have subsided though and I hope there won't be  hard rains again tomorrow. But at least the weather is cooler now after weeks of torturous heat! I was planning to do some work tonight but hey the brownout prevented me so there's that. 

Power

So today we had power outage for over 2 hours in the afternoon this is because of the rotational brownout that's happening right now because of the energy crisis! Oh my goodness, another one to make our lives harder than it already is. The heat is unbearable and without electricity it's becoming more intolerable! Of course, the disruption with  people working from home and studying from home. And you know what the Energy department secretary was doing yesterday instead of addressing this issue - a political party meeting in preparation for next year's elections. I am so frustrated. When will this end? Will it ever end?