Should I?

 There was an incident today that's annoying but also worrying at the same time. I'm not sure if there's a truth with this person was claiming or just a case of being absent-minded. It's been a recurring incident over the years though and I'm worried if there's a bigger implication in the future. It is me again thinking the worst case scenario yet again but I can't help it. Oh dear Lord please don't let my fears happen.

Assist

 I've been helping my nephew with his modules because his computer broke down and is currently getting fixed but it will take a while because there's a major replacement needed and my sister is still looking for an affordable replacement. I've been downloading his modules and uploading them on their school's site. He does the modules on his phone, it's quite amazing how can he do it via MS Word app. I can never do that, I need a keyboard! Just two weeks left for this strange school year which even my nephew says doesn't feel like real school. I hope next school year he can finally return to school safely of course. This module mode is not working out in actually educating today's students. Just not effective. 

A Visit

 My nanay's Mother's Day was special because she had a surprise visit from her older sister after a year of not seeing each other! I definitely felt my mother's happiness to see her sister again. My auntie just decided out of the blue to visit because she and my cousin went to a place that's a littler near our town. They really had a long chat today and I'm very please to see how she's in a good mood afterwards. 

Snippets 13

 It's so hot today! It's almost 12AM as I type this and it's so uncomfortable with this humid! The weather is also one of the reasons I like working at the office with the cold aircon! Anyway, tomorrow is Mother's Day. Second one in quarantine. Nanay just wants pancit and of course we will buy one. But I do miss the times we used to go out even just in the fast food to eat out. I hope next year will be better!

****

My nephew's PC broke down and it's tricky to have it fixed due to the pandemic. Thankfully he can do his school stuff on his phone. Good thing he's so used to do this. I can't do typing stuff on phone! I need a keyboard! His school year ends later this month and he can't wait for it. He said to me he didn't like zoom school especially his Math class where he is not satisfied how it is being taught! I feel for him because math is better understood with a good teacher in person. I hope next school year will be better.

****

Elections a year from now. I'm so nervous but trying to remain hopeful things can change. It must change please.

The Boss

Today our big boss treated us with McDonalds for everyone present in the office to celebrate his birthday. He turns 76 tomorrow but he still has the same energy when I started working year nearly 12 years ago. God bless him more because he is the heart of the company. One of the reasons I've stayed here for so long because of my respect to him and his genuine care for his employees. Back in 2012 our company had a major financial crisis where I thought it's gonna be the end but I remember him entering our office and talking to one of out then senior employees and he apologized to her with our delayed salaries and promised he will do all his best to rise from this. I was really touched and a pivotal moment in my working career. Our company is not perfect and still has a lot to work on but I wouldn't stay here for this long if I didn't at home and he is one of the reasons why. 

Thank You!

So yeah today I made the payment for an online writing workshop  which I registered like two weeks ago but I only had the money just today to pay for it. I had to save up money for it but big thanks to a friend who also helped out after he read it here. His nice gesture was actually the driving force for me to push through. Truth be told, I don't receive this act of kindness often so I'm deeply touched. Thank you JP!

Whole Again

 It's been a year since ABS-CBN free TV and radio operations were shutdown. I spent the day reading stories about that fateful  day as past and present employees process their emotions then and now. The report TV Patrol had earlier left me with goosebumps. While they're down they continue to fight.  I'm glad they still exist in various platforms. They are scattered with pieces of what they used to be. Not as wide as they used to be but at least they're not totally out of the picture. I can't wait for the day when they can be whole again.  A vindication. 

Endure

Checking out the news is so exhausting because of the level of shamelessness and absurdity present. And the vitriol as well, so suffocating. I still can't believe there's millions of people here that is okay with how he handles everything. The excuses to justify bad behavior are insane. The incoherence. The trolling. The delusion. I'm seriously worried that pandemic will continue on until next year and they found to suspend the elections. Please God no. While it's not really an assurance things could change by next year's election given the ridiculous public support this person but still I'm clinging on to hope common decency can still prevail. Please. Let us see the light.

Not There

 Another night where I feel sentimental which ended up me enveloped in sadness. What's the reason? To be honest nothing in particular but more of a collective feeling from my various issues in life. A mix of personal drama and frustrations in society. I feel so incomplete. I have so many regrets. I'm trying to repress my frustrations because I can't do anything about it right now. There is always something in my life that will remind of what I don't have, of what I can't do, on how far I'm behind. It's so hard to catch up. 

Relief

So yesterday's alarming news had a good development and the worst fears didn't come true. What a relief because it was so worrying. It's quite exhausting but no complaints because things turned out fine in the end.  Thank you Lord!

Control

 So there's a cause of concern today and I really hope and pray the worst fears will not come to fruition. I got panicky and lashed out a little which I later on regretted and immediately made up for it. It really is quite hard for me to deal with stress sometimes because my mind automatically goes to the worst case scenario. I wish I would stop because it is really stunting my growth. Especially now as an adult I need to be more calm and patient. Or at least do a better job hiding my fear.

Oh my Dear Lord please protect him for any immediate danger. 

Spot

I was happy to know that barber shops and salons are now allowed to open because I badly need a hair shave. I'm balding and it's at the worst spot possible. I look so much older with my weight and hair. I'm not a cap guy that much too so I exposed my bad spots publicly! I don't care if I don't think about it or no one points it out. But of course not gonna lie it's a source of insecurity, I wish I had early onset of grey hairs instead of balding. But of course I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. But I can be shallow from time to time. 

Handle

 So this Medyo ECQ 2021 edition, I work from home from Mondays to Wednesdays and at the office Thursdays and Fridays where I handle tasks that are better done at the office where it saves times and I'm more efficient. During my office time, I also prepare materials I will need for my WFH sessions for next week which admittedly I sometimes do some advanced task a littler early during weekends to eased my load. I do really love working in the office, my attention is there and I don't get easily distracted by the real world. Today I was so happy to finish a specific task because it provides security for a major work responsibility. Then I got home and watched the news. Upsetting. I feel so frustrated and question life. Why do these bad guys always find a way to turn things around to their favor. And so many gullible people too hence they can do whatever they want and suffer no consequences at all.

Life today is just on another level of insanity. Working in the office keeps me sane. At this point it's now my escape. 

44th

 Today is my parent's  44th wedding anniversary and we treated them with a simple handa of  roasted chicken, pancit bihon and cake. I hope they had a good day. My world right now basically revolves looking after their concerns and while I admit there are times I feel frustrated because of some limitations in life but at the end of the day, I have no regrets this is the path I chose. I won't deny that there will always be time I will feel sad and frustrated but deep inside I know I'm doing the right thing. I love my parents so much and I always pray to God to keep them healthy always. In this pandemic, I've been protective of them the most and dear Lord please my protect my parents, my entire family always. 

A Taste

 Today is the 2nd wedding anniversary of my brother. They got married in Bohol were my sister in law lives. All of the family except me went to the wedding because I decided to stay due to work and also I'm worried of no one is left in the house for 3 days. It was my first time ever to be totally alone at the house for such long period of time (well not counting our dog who was still alive then). At 31, I felt some kind of independence and it was kind of exciting! I cleaned the house, did laundry too! But I didn't cook but just ate boiled eggs I placed in the rice cooker and also bought takeout food. It was funny how my parents were worried at first like I'm a teenager! Two years later, I did miss being totally alone with just my thought for a longer period of time but with the current pandemic where a lot of us feel isolated, yeah I appreciate not being alone. 

A Bad Milestone

 The country has reached the inevitable 1 million COVID19 cases. Saddening. Maddening. Frustrating. 

Over a year later and we are nowhere near the end.

Snippets 12

* I find it endearing that my father is worried about our neighbor who owns a bakery because there's a new bakery in the subdivision. He observed how there are fewer people buying pandesal lately. He feels that that he could lose a lot of business and may end up letting go of some our neighbor's employees. My Tatay is such a good and caring friend. He does not need to worry about this stuff but he does.

* Tomorrow is the Oscars and first time after a decade that I won't be a doing a Oscar Pool at Pinoyexchange. I decided to end it last year due to declining interest. I miss doing it but it was past its prime. 

* I prepared some work from home stuff last Friday that I will do tomorrow but I decided to some of it this weekend and felt good really to accomplish some stuff early on. 

* April is about to end and it will be a year since our baranggay had its first COVID case. It still felt like yesterday. The panic that ensued after that. Nowadays even if we're still in this neverending quarantine, things are less restrictive but still sad.

Groceries

 It's been over a year that I took over handling the grocery for our household and I learned so much really over the past year. I've been my mother's companion to the grocery since I was a kid and I honestly liked doing grocery, it's fun! But now that I've been the major contributor of the grocery budget, it gave me  whole new perspective. I've been really cautious now with prices and such, I've been familiar with basic expenditures costs and also how to maximize a good "sale' deal on the grocery. I'm not expert because at least I'm not clueless impulse buyer anymore. I've been really cautious. I should have learned this long ago, I've been too reliant and I lacked some practical skills now. One thing this extraordinary year deal taught me is to step up more and not be complacent anymore. 

Loss

 I was about to finish a task earlier at the office when Kuya Bernie approached me to help him write the message he will post on the special dedication board the office is setting up in memory of Kuya Pat, our dearly departed co-worker who passed away a few weeks ago. The message is humorous with him telling Kuya Pat that if he misses him he's free to visit him anytime. But you know what I could definitely feel Kuya Bernie's sadness and his eyes were misty despite making jokes. He then shared that he does not even look at Kuya Pat's photo posted in the office door because it makes him feel sad and I told him I feel the same, he then replied "Di ba lang no" and you could see in his eyes that this feeling of sadness is something he is keeping inside and when I said I felt the same way he sort had a feeling of validation. They were really close friends. They're both in their mid40s and shared a lot of interests. I still can't believe Kuya Pat's gone. Life is so fragile. 

A Nice Gesture

So this new carpool I'm in now the regulars passengers are already so close to each other. I think most of them live in one subdivision but I'm not sure because I don't engage in small talk too unless someone initiates to talk to me. I'm quite an introvert that way. Today someone treated the driver and passengers with milk tea and donut and the person included me even if I've only ridden this carpool just three times in two weeks. I didn't even have time to beg off because they were quick and I said a big thank you. I thin that maybe that was intended to another regular passenger who didn't come in on the ride home but still the fact that this person offered it to me is touching. Any act of kindness is appreciated especially in this world we live in right now.

Playbook

 I read the Vox The Pandemic Playbook series which is a series of comprehensive reporting of how 6 countries handled the COVID19 pandemic. Two stories are now featuring South Korea and Germany. Four more articles will come about UK, US, Senegal and Vietnam. It's such an engrossing read and learned a lot on how South Korea and Germany handled this pandemic, their mistakes and also the right things they have done. The articles also highlighted the human conflict involved and as with the case of Germany on how after successfully containing it early in the pandemic, politics and public exhaustion led to a surge bigger than the first wave. South Korea's story is a fairly successful one as they learned from previous virus surge however there were questions raised on how their intense contract tracing system are violating privacies. Looking forward to read the rest of the series. Great journalistic work! Reading it is also break too from the frustrating situation this country is in right now. 

Community

 Today's hot issue is the red tagging of the community pantry in QC that started it all. Another day, another head ache inducing national concern. Although to be honest when this community pantry eventually jump started a nationwide movement I knew it was too good to be true. I knew that eventually some people will abuse it, twist its motive and use the movement for political maneuvering. It sucks all these negative thoughts I have actually happened. That's how predictable everything is right now. So depressing.

On the good side awhile ago I received a social media private message from a schoolmate  asking for donations as he will also spearhead a community pantry here in our area. I donated via GCash because I trust this person even if we don't really know each on a personal level but he has a track record of good leadership and social responsibility. In this small way I can show my support and also keep me from being totally jaded.  

Keeping it Together

 Yeah today a family member had a mood swing and made out of the blue tantrum that gave me some stressful moments but in the end nothing really bad happened and we just dropped this subject. I guess this is the effect of the pandemic right? Yesterday, it was my nephew who shared to me his frustrations and now this other family member acting out. It really is struggle to keep your sanity on in these trying times. 

Advice

 So today my nephew opened up to me that he's feeling a little bad because he got reprimanded by my sister due to the time he spends with the computer and when he defended himself, he got even more trouble because  my sister said that his tone was not good and he was talking back to her. I told him that it's normal for mothers to be that way and I told him that's how Nanay is to us too. I also said to him that sometimes we get to be the shock absorbers too for other stuff our parents are stressed about. But I did let him speak up what his heart feels and I said that it's good that he talks about it and allow himself to be sad and frustrated but after you should also learn how to deal with it and not let it consume your life. I didn't tell my sister anymore what my nephew told me because I knew my nephew told this to me in confidence. It will blew over anyway but this day just made me realize how my nephew is growing up now. He'll turn 13 this August and I'm now witnessing in real time as he is entering the angst-filled teen years. I made a mental note to not be hard on him because he is on those delicate period where he figures himself out and I won't add to the pressure he will be facing transitioning to teen years. 

Errands

 It is exceptionally hot today especially because I went out to do errands (market, grocery, medicines, withdrawing my sister's salary). But I do really like doing errands like this because it feels normal. But of course I know it is not, I've felt uncomfortable earlier with how packed the market is that I hurriedly left the vegetable stall I was in without even checking if what I bought was weighed properly and priced accordingly  because there were too many people! Grocery and pharmacy trip was more relaxing because fewer people but the ATM line was so long! Anyway, compared to last year's very strict lockdown today was a walk in the park. The confirmed cases are over 10K the past few days and I find it alarming that things are not getting any better and the handling messier than ever. I'm tired of ranting about this but I can't help but feel it. I minimized my news exposure especially whatever uncouth words that person has said again public, Nothing has changed. Tired. So tired.

A few kinks

I had a new carpool ride starting yesterday because my old carpool is on hiatus due to few passengers because of the quarantine. Good thing I still found a new carpool shuttle though my drop off point is not exactly as near to where I live compared to my previous carpool but still better and most importantly safer way to commute in this scary pandemic times. Yesterday's start wasn't smooth one as there was a miscommunication regarding pickup time. He was so apologetic when he arrived that whatever annoyance I had evaporated and I assured him that everything's fine. We live in such stressful times, let's pick our battles. We all just starting to survive in this tough world we are in right now. Anyway, today's ride was smoother because miscommunication like what happened yesterday helps work out the issues and improve. If I choose to be hot headed, it would just cause unnecessary stress from the both of us. 

Lead

 So today my video editor for 2 years handed his resignation letter as he will soon leave the country to migrate to Canada to be with his mother. This editor started here when he was 20 years old and it really showed a couple of times how young and unpolished he is but despite that I have a soft spot for the kid because he is genuinely nice and quite talented too, just unfocused haha. I hope I made some good impact being his direct head for the past 2 years. I sometimes think I'm too nice but I just don't want to be the person who puts unnecessary pressure. Although, I did realized I can't be too lenient as well for the benefit of the staff as well. Last week, I received some kinds from a college friend, a co-staff at the college student publication where I became EIC in my senior year and he said that I was the best editor he had. It really meant a lot of me because I felt like my EIC stint was a big disappointment but hearing that I least somewhat made a good impact to someone warms my soul. 

Upended

 Going back to the office tomorrow to do task I can only do there. Looking forward to it because to be honest, I just feel more comfortable working at the office. Of course, the virus scare still looms so praying hard I will be safe from it. How long will this uncomfortable situation last? I will never get used to living this way really even if it's been over a year. It's quite depressing to see so many "condolences" on Facebook while so much frustration and anger on Twitter. Then I went out earlier to buy some stuff for the house and the emptiness of the stress gave me a gut punch. 

Survive

 Just finished work at this ungodly hour! This is really what I don't like working from home because it extends my working time but what is important is that I get the job done. We are now back to Medyo ECQ so restrictions are a little loose especially curfew which has been a hurdle for my carpool shuttle! It's now back to 10PM here in Cavite and 8PM in Metro Manila, more reasonable time but I still think curfews and checkpoints are not really needed and they have became avenues for power tripping but oh well what can I do right? Nothing but do my best to deal with each's day struggle

Morale Boost

 Today I received a very touching gesture from a friend. It was so unexpected especially in a time like this where many people are struggling. I've been feeling so down lately that this unexpected surprise gave me a morale boost. Thank you and I will make sure this act of kindness will not go to waste. 

Tipping the Balance.

 So yeah that fleeting feeling I had yesterday of signing up to that online writing workshop faded away. I just returned to reality that I just can't afford it. My practical side always win. Not gonna lie it makes me sad that I can't do it due to financial constraints but hey I needed the money to help out house expenses and maintenance medicines for my parents too. The money I would have paid for that seminar could already buy many of my mother's prescriptions. Our car will need oil change soon as well so i contribute on that. Then of course bills after bills. Not gonna lie I do dream of living an independent life you know where all I think about is just me. But I don't regret looking out for my parents' welfare and really I could have done more if I made better career choices, money wise.  I really won't stop feeling inadequate so pursuing something of personal interest at the expense of general family needs is something I just can't do. It hurts when I think about it so I just avoid so I won't drown. 

Versus

 I saw that Fully Booked will be holding online writing workshops. The setup is actually something that is suitable for my preference. I'm highly interested because I want to seek knowledge because I feel like I'm in a rut right now, jus going through the motions and just dreaming but with no action. It is not for free though which actually works form me because if I shell out money, I'll be more committed to it. But well sadly I can't easily spend 2,500 pesos (the early bird discount) because of life's responsibilities and limited financial capacity I have.  But my heart really wants to try this out and  maybe it can help ignite a fire in me that I know is still there. Sadly, my practical side is really giving me a pause. I should be looking for additional source of income instead of spending with not essential stuff especially in this time. On the other hand, maybe I should see it as an investment to myself? Maybe I should dare take a risk like this one.How I wish I was  rich  so this stuff won't bother anymore. 

Abhor

 This pandemic is scarier than ever especially now more than ever with a lot of people knowing someone who already passed because of this disease. Then the politics, those people in power have no shame anymore. No sense of humility. not even that apologetic or reassuring. Some people in power peddling a so-called medicine that says that cures COVID and not even backed by science. Regulatory board bending their rules to accommodate it half heartedly. Vaccine rollout quite a mess with people just now accepting this vaccine with questionable reason why it's here because there's no other choice. Kung ano na nandyan tanggapin na lang. I hate it so much. Especially because its comes from a place that is power tripping right now. Of course it was tolerated and coddled before so we are not even surprised anymore. I don't know how can ever we rise from this. 

Relief

 Thanks to company service today I was able to go back to the office! I really needed it because there's still a lot of pending stuff that I can only do at the office. And also good for my mental health to be honest. The past few days I have this recurring body pains from various body parts but today NOTHING. I was so busy today catching up with work load that I didn't think much of the CHAOS happening in this country. 

Flashback

 Back in 2005, I was one of the chosen staff by my college student publication Heraldo Filipino to attend UST's Inkblots National Journalism Fellowship. It was my first ever seminar related to journalism and I was really excited! During that 3-day symposium, I attended lectures by seasoned journalists from print to broadcast like Shiela Coronel, Marites Vitug, Glenda Gloria, Jiggy Manicad, Charie Villa, Ruel De Vera, Nestor Cuartero, Quinito Henson and Christian Esguerra. My favorite lecture was from Christian Esguerra because he is eloquent and insightful (He was a PDI reporter back then and now he is hosting an ANC show and has a podcast too where his sharp interviewing skills are on display). The sessions of Quinito Henson and Nestor Cuartero were also memorable because we had mock press conferences featuring Purefoods basketball team and Champ from the band Hale. My most unforgettable session though was Editorial Cartooning  with Philippine Star's Rene Aranda. We weren't supposed to attend it because we are not visual artists but all the writing related sessions that day were not available anymore. However, we didn't regret attending because Mr. Aranda is such an engaging speaker. After his discussion, he asked the delegates to make an editorial cartoon about Calibrated Pre-emptive Response and I was so shocked when he picked my work as third best (My fellow news writer Em Sipin  placed second too!). I have NO drawing skills at all so I just worked around with what I can draw and hopefully not embarrass myself! Anyway, I was just rummaging through my stuff earlier and found this still in good condition. I really should frame this because it is a reminder of my 18-year old self when I was not jaded in life yet!

RIP Bradpack

 A co-worker passed away yesterday. I've worked with him in various projects and he's always efficient and on time. He's a chatty guy and always so nice. He would call everyone "Bradpack" which was his version of "bro" and "pare". I checked his Facebook and saw his son posted a farewell tribute to his dad. I read the comments and said his father died of COVID. Devastating. It's my first time to know someone personally who died because of this deadly disease. It just makes things feel more real to me. Since I'm work from home now so I didn't get exposed and honesty I didn't even have that much interaction with him lately as well because his shift was later in the afternoon back then. Still, once I go back to the office knowing he won't be there anymore is just making me feel so sad. 

I will miss you Kuya Pat. Rest in Peace.

KJ

 The past few days, I made a conscious effort to minimize my exposure to social media because the situation right now is just making me so anxious and hopeless. However, out of necessity,  I decided to check a few official government pages to get a specific information but I got lost reading a lot of comments from ordinary people. There's a lot of stress, distrust and hardship right now.  I actually got annoyed whenever I see meme/hugot/harot posts in the middle of more serious concerns and insights being shared.  I know that's how some people deal with tough situations - finding humor. But I don't know, it's been a year of this never-ending nightmare that I'm finding it hard to find something to laugh about.

Unchecked

Last Wednesday, I saw a tweet with a photo of long lines in the bus terminal last Wedneday. This is a nightmare back in the normal times but now with added anxiety of catching the virus and getting reprimanded because of an impractical curfew for the working class. This is a clear case of lack of foresight of those who set the rules. Our governor recently made a post about checkpoints that have caused heavy traffic and basically the blame was again placed to the ordinary people. It's harder to be part of the working class in this ordeal we have right now.

Extended Stress

 So today it was announced that the Enhanced Community Quarantine has been extended for another week. It was inevitable with over 10K for 3 days now.  It stresses me out both health concerns and economic issue. I'm not sure if I can go back to the office next week but I really want to. So unbelievable that I'm in this situation yet again

15K

 Yeah another record high, over 15K. Over 3K is backlog from March 31 but still not reassuring. How are we going to deal with this anymore?

Silence

 Today is Maundy Thursday and the start of April. Second holy week and summer season in a pandemic. This week is traditionally quiet and somber but the silence right now is deafening than ever. I hope and pray next year will be better.

Heard

 There was a survey by the municipality that was conducted here in our subdivision today. My mother thought it was for  "ayuda" so she was really excited when she told me to go to our multipurpose area after she was informed by someone from our homeowners association. I didn't think it was the case but I didn't want to burst her bubble. Anyway, the survey was about to ask feedback if our the projects of the mayor's office is effective and my response was that I'm not fully aware of the projects to give an informed opinion. Next, I was asked if I think the National ID project will be difficult to obtained and I said yes and the officer didn't ask me further. To be honest, I think that's really unnecessary since there's UMID already that's really should be the one that covers all government offices so what's the purpose of this really?  Lastly, I was asked if we are willing to get vaccinated and my response was yes but will depend on what brand they will administer especially for my senior parents. I want to make sure the vaccine is a reputable one and also to be honest I just have big reservations of the one brand widely available that they want to us to settle for. I don't know how this survey will turn out but I'm glad my voice (and my family as well) was heard today

Bumps

Today was such a challenging day for work-home balance. My work from home task were interrupted because of house errands and also looking over my parents that are not in good terms because of a shallow issue but being forced to stay home right now is definitely a factor why the mood swings are so insane. Then around  the afternoon, my Internet connection was poor so I had difficulty downloading some videos I need for work. So stressful really. That's why I really want to work at the office, I get things done with less distractions and also better for mental health to be honest. For now, I don't have a choice but really hoping I can go back to the office next week.

10K

 First day of ECQ Season 2 and over 10K cases today! Yep. This is going to get worse each day. Of course aside from that health crisis, we are also riddled with so much politics, misguided defense, stupid excuses and general hopelessness. Back working from home for now as well and it's really more difficult like I just finished a task few minutes ago . When I'm at the office I can finish everything before I leave and don't take home any job normally. But what can I do right? So stressful. God please help us

Same, Same

 So on the day before ECQ returns, we went to the market like we normally do a Sunday but as expected there were more people than usual. I also went to the drugstore to stock up on some medicines for my mother and thankfully it was not chaotic and I was like one of four customers. I did a quick run at the grocery too to buy some stuff and when I entered, there were no lines but when I left, there's already a long queue both a the store entrance and the nearby ATM. Yeah people in panic mode.  More people close to each other. Now tell me if this decision is really a good thing. But what I can do really at this point but just deal with it and stay sane as I can in this never ending ordeal. 

No Path

 So yeah starting on Monday, BACK on ECQ again. Hopefully, it won't last longer than Holy Week because the economic fallout will be hard. I saw this coming so I made some early preparations both at work and home. However, now that this is a reality it really sucks so bad. Same worries as last year. Nope, maybe even worst.  I'm really afraid where we are heading. 

Smile in The Middle of Stress

 Received some good news today. My sibling who had a health scare earlier this year had a good medical checkup today which is a big relief! With the rising cases of COVID (another all time high today with nearly 10K!), health is such a big concern right now. Tatay also received some good news from his former workplace's cooperative. He is annoyed that he can't go outside now as he is 66 and part of the list now allowed by the government to go out so this good news is such a blessing in this frustrating and scary times we live in. 

Another All Time High

8,773 confirmed cases today.  I already know some acquittances who tested positive. Thankfully, I  haven't been exposed to anyone who tested positive, hopefully forever. Scary times. Depressing times. As I walk to my shuttle's parking space, I can't help but feel sad once again seeing the many struggling business I see. One year later and we are in such dire state. 

Longer

 Today's confirmed cases is 6,666. Yup, the joke is on us now. Lots of chaotic and stressful things happening right now because of this surge. So much mismanagement. So much distrust. So much excuses.

Cling

 Moderna just announced that the Philippines secured 7 million doses of their vaccines thanks to a partnership with the private sector. Thank goodness! I hope they get to this country soon enough and I really it won't be delayed anymore especially if for some nonsense reasons. Let the private sector do it, it's obvious the powers that can be has mishandled this so gravely.  Today is the second day of the GCQ with Additional Restrictions and I went back to the office. Thankfully, my shuttle ride didn't experience any checkpoint hassle and it was just a regular ride. The last thing I need right now is to face that kind of stress. It's hard but you gotta keep fighting 

Enough

 My father was watering the plants when a casual friend walked by and was about to start a political discussion but tatay, who usually engages in small talk, brushed him off   "Sorry may gagawin pa ako sa loob", he said . My tatay is not here for his loyalist crap anymore. He voted for him but less than a year in position, he regretted it so much. I'm really relieved that he was not as easily persuaded by his peers, while he never debates or goes into arguments, he never really agrees with political statements he clearly opposes, he either changes the topic or gave vague non-answers to not encourage the conversation but today was the first time I saw him totally reject someone attempt for chit chat. Yeah, today we just have over 8K cases, messy quarantine measures and just general sense of dread, he can't be chill anymore with someone still believing he's not doing anything wrong. 

With Add Ons

 NCR and nearby provinces including Cavite are back to GCQ tomorrow but this time with added restrictions. All industries and public transportation are still available so I can still go to the office although for tomorrow I opted to work from home because I don't have immediate work task that I'm need to be physically present at the office and of course I want to observe as well how this GCQ with added restrictions play out tomorrow.  I really hate this, I hope checkpoints won't return. 

7,999

 That's the number of cases reported today and I'm more annoyed that really it had to end with 999? What is this sales marketing trick because 8000 cases look more horrifying?  Nevertheless, we are really spending the pandemic anniversary with no positive signs or any progress at all. I feel so scared and hopeless. 

Circle

After yesterday's angsty post, today was back to normal as if nothing happened last time. It's normal and I'm used to it but I don't know each time it happens it really pushes my buttons. Incidents likes will still happen in the future and dear Lord please guide me more patience and strength because I love them so much and I don't want to feel what I felt last night again

In other news, over seven thousand confirmed cases! It never ends. 

Tired

 One of those days where I once again question myself if I made the right decisions in life. Two small incidents where I got castigated. The first one is a simple mistake on a matter which to be honest is so inessential but I tolerated and perhaps spoiled him because  he had a terrible time last year and all I can do is to make him feel better. But because I forgot one of his request I got berated by hurtful words. I don't deserve it but I stayed quiet and apologetic so the issue won't be big but I'm getting the cold treatment right now. The second one is I got accused, although not directly, that I'm stealing money  because I was questioned of the price of a medicine I've been regularly buying and for some reason she didn't understood the quantity and prices.  I have receipts of course and explained things thoroughly and I just got a dismissive "ok" response but I still feel like I did something wrong.  I don't deserve it but I got to stay the mature one as I'm the younger person  and the one who should be patient that maybe because they are getting older, they are more sensitive and paranoid. But it's hard especially because I feel so insecure where my life is right now. I could have reached for the stars but I kept thinking about their welfare so I adjusted my life choices so I can look after their concerns. I want to say that I don't have regrets because ultimately I love and care about them so much but moments like this where I feel like I'm being treated unjustly makes me ponder what if I made the call to prioritize what I really wanted to do even if I had to leave them behind. Would I be happier?

Light

 Just talked to a friend working at a Los Angeles hospital and she's really optimistic because the cases in their hospital dropped dramatically in the last few weeks and this is the effect of more people getting vaccinated. If the trend continues, she's hopeful by May there would be a legit semblance of normalcy. That really made me feel better at least because my country is such a mess right now, cases rising again, very few vaccines available (the one available here has shady dealings that makes people really uncomfortable) and a very horrible government. I need to see some light in this dark alley. 

Deep Well

 Once again I'm fighting hard not to fall hard with my cynical thoughts. Anxiety is through the roof with the never ending pandemic, never ending mismanagement, never ending patronizing and enabling. I'm tired of overthinking. I'm tired of thinking the worst case scenario. I'm tired of feeling so frustrated all the time. So many problems. So many worries. So many insecurities. 

Brink

 No office work tomorrow due to disinfection as precautionary measure to the rising cases of COVID yet again. Some of notable public figures reported that got infected as well. Confirmed cases today is nearly six thousand. Alarming and worrying. A return to stricter quarantine measures is inevitable. I feel so hopeless. 

Home

 My brother is back home after staying a month in Bohol to be with his wife. When I told nanay earlier that tatay texted that my brother already arrived, she said out loud "SALAMAT SA DIYOS". She was really worried because of the complications that pandemic brought in. Much more know with the alarming rise in cases and stricter lockdowns are making a comeback. The anxiety from one year ago is really returning and having your family as close as possible really matters these days. 

5,000

 So today the reported new COVID19 cases reached 5,000. It's odd that it's a flat number so kinda makes me a little suspicious but to be honest the total reported cases of over 600K cases in the past year or so I feel does not reflect the whole picture, maybe we are over 1M cases already if there were more tests done. Anyway,  this so stressful but I'm hopeful there won't be a super strict lockdown again that hurts the economy and much worst be a platform for abuse of power

One Year Later

 Last year when the community quarantine was announced to take effect on March 15 I was really worried because this is something I have never experienced in my life. A lockdown, what a concept. And a lot of fears came to fruition. I was worried about my job, me, and my family's safety and the country, the world, in general. I knew that life will never be the same again. It sucks that my fears about the aftermath in society came true and until now there's so much suffering everywhere while there's a lot of side issues as well that's raising my frustration to another level. But of course, there are things to be thankful for, I and my family's health are good although there were non-pandemic health concerns last year that became complicated because of the restrictions but still, it could have been worst, and thank God it wasn't. My country is still a mess and right now the restrictions are making a comeback with the rising I cases. I still stand my ground that a medical problem should not be managed by using a militaristic style but what can I do but just bite my tongue and hope for the best. One year later I'm still scared. 

Roadblock

 I had some issues with the carpool ride today. The driver is new although we are still coordinating the original driver so there was some miscommunication early in the morning which was a little irritating. Then today on our way home, he informed us that for today we will be dropped off to a spot where we still had to ride a jeep to get to our barangay. Very annoying. He was apologetic because to be fair there was only three of us today destined to that location so I guess he wants to save gas or what. Our fare was not the same too so we weren't cheated on but still it was my first time to ride a jeep again and while being an open air vehicle is good for virus safety, I still felt uncomfortable. The original driver would have still driven us to our location even if we were only that few because he did it before. The timing was just not good considering the rise of COVID cases again. Oh well. I hope this was just an isolated case and won't be a regular thing. 

Square One

 So yeah almost a year after the first community quarantine was imposed, NCR cases are surging, local officials imposing localized lockdown again, the police wants to prohibit public display of affection, some areas will have checkpoints again and there's that feel again of Deja vu. We are going back how we started. For now Cavite won't be as strict again and I hope it stays that way because I don't know if I can handle that again, the anxiety of being in a strict lockdown is too much. So damn frustrating really. 

Alert

 So PHIVOLCS has raised Alarm Level 2 (increasing alert) on Taal Volcano so meaning there's imminent danger of another eruption. It happened in January last year before the pandemic started and while our place was not directly affected we witnessed ash fall! It was surreal to witness that in my life. Our subdivision chapel became a temporary evacuation center for some people in Batangas Oh Dear Lord please don't let it happen again. Please protect us from this.

'

So tired

 I try to avoid or not too think much about current events lately because it's so frustrating but the heartless justifications of EJKs. I can't believe I live in such a time when people just shrug it off or worst defend it. Honestly, I'm more affected that there are a lot of people still standing by this person. Unbelievable. It's not just online but people in real life. How can they digest all this rampant toxicity? Because that person make them laugh with offensive, in your face, insensitive, crass jokes? I can't believe anyone still believes that everything is alright, that everything is being handled well. I'm so angry and frustrated. Hopeless because there's nothing much I can do but just witness how everything is unfolding before my eyes.

Remember

My nephew reminded me today that it's been a year since our dog of more than a decade passed way. He called the dog "Bow wow wow" when he was a little and we stuck with that name too. I was really sad when the dog passed away even if I never really touched him over the years because I'm asthmatic and I'm generally afraid of getting bitten. But he was a constant  presence in our family, so it felt like it was losing a loved one. Little did we know that the dog's death will be just the beginning of such terrible year. 

Still Hanging

 Metro Manila mayors decided to not open the cinemas again  due to rising cases the past week or so. Such awful timing and I really feel bad for the theaters. While there has been legal streaming now but let's face it a lot will not shell out money for that instead wait for pirated stuff on line commonly seen on Facebook which has always been awful in guarding pirated content. While cinemas are open in MGCQ areas but without the capital open, big movies won't dare open as the biggest market is NCR. Oh well, the fact the cases are rising again dampens my hope that we could see a road to recovery. 

P360

 I'm in a moment where I should have moved forward on a decision that I thought of earlier. I should have trusted my guts but oh well what kept me from doing it because it involved finances and I want to save money so I didn't push through with it. Now, I'm regretting that I didn't make that decision but already stuck so just gonna deal with this matter right now. I really hate that my limited financial capability is making some simple decisions more difficult than it should have. Even the little things like this situation I'm in at the moment frustrates me big time. 

More, More, More

 Astra Zeneca vaccines arrived in the country a few hours ago. That's one of the brand of vaccines I'm more confident about! Hopefully, Pfizer, Moderna and Johnson & Johnson brands will find their way here too very soon. Anyway, supply is limited so likely won't get vaccinated anytime soon but having a vaccine gives me hope things could be relatively normal by year's end

Verified

 So I have to verify my GCASH account so I can do money transfer. It was stressful at first because the app won't accept the screen shot of my ID then I figure out maybe because I have an old smart phone and it doesn't capture clear enough photos so I borrowed my brother's phone to do it and it took me multiple tries actually before it got accepted. Then came the selfie verification and it took a few more hours before I received a text notification that my selfie verification was rejected! I thought maybe because I have a beard and I looked different from my ID photo? So I shaved! Maybe it worked because my selfie verification was approved in just a few minutes! Anyway, I tried the bank transfer  and it was smooth flowing! I'm quite behind with all these things but better late than never!

Aid

I'm quite relieved right now because my work load is lighter because there are people who are helping me with some of the tasks. I still micromanage stuff but at least not everything all depends on me. The truth is I'm always hesitant to ask for help because I don't want to be a bother but this pandemic era made me realized that I need to be more assertive for my own welfare. I need to learn to let things go and trust people more. 

March To Where?

 First day of March and in 2 weeks, it would have been a full year since the community quarantine and the normal life we knew changed forever. So where are we heading? So messy. So alarming. So infuriating. Aside from the fear of getting the virus itself, the mental toll this ordeal has put upon is excruciating. No thanks to so many questionable decisions. My frustration just grows each day. It's hard not to lose hope. It's such a big test to hold on despite everything/. 

Lukewarm

 So today the first COVID vaccines finally arrived in the country. But it's the least desirable brand with only 50% effectivity. Not surprised so many are hesitant about it at all. But it also sucks that there's a lot f fear with vaccines right now in general. Likely an effect of the the Dengvaxia issue that had misinformation and fear mongering surrounding it. I grew up with the late DOH Secretary Juan Flavier and he really a very effective information drive to encourage people for vaccines that reached even the remote areas. It sucks that all the hard work he did had been tarnished with the general public's fear of vaccines right now. Of course it does not help that a questionable vaccine brand is the one that got here, way to intensify the anxiety!

Distract

 Back on Netflix lately to watch films with Oscar buzz and some shows too. Last time I was on Netflix was last April in the middle of the hard lockdown. Another reason I went to Netflix as well because my brother was curious with the Korean drama Crash Landing on You after finding out the story involves North Korea because he is fascinated with that country's mystery, so I lent my account to him. He got laid off recently so he's been at home lately and I've noticed he watches a lot of political stuff on YouTube which really gets him mad which I can't blame him really given how frustration the situation is. So yeah when he mentioned about his interest about the show so I though this is a good way to give him a nice distraction from everything. He actually enjoyed the  show and binged it in three days. He's watching various stuff on Netflix which is good although he is still into current politics but at least it does not consume him that much like before. 

1/3

 Today our salary was given in cash instead of ATM due to some technical issues with the bank. And having my salary in physical form is a different experience. I did a literal budget separated the paper bills to three groups: savings, house expenses, cash on hand. I allocated 1/3 each and it depressed me a little because money is so hard and I really have little room for extra cash. Of course, I'm thankful to have a job in this time but still I can't help but feel so insecure about my financial state. I hate this feeling so much,

35

So today is the EDSA People Power 35th Anniversary and I'm so sad that the memory of that historical moment feels like an afterthought now and some even degraded it. I can't believe that a time like this would happen in my lifetime. When will this madness end?

Fast and Slow

 February is ending this week and here comes March which also signals the first anniversary when COVID19 was pronounced a pandemic and lockdowns begin all over the world.  How could time fly so fast and yet it feels so painfully slow. There's still a lot of mess around vaccines and when and how to open the economy. Then what's really annoying that hey politicking is still pretty present, unwavering. So frustrating really and that I really just want to avoid the news altogether but you need to be informed so yeah just have to control what type of news can consume you and not let it drag everything down. But man it's just so hard. 

Bare

 Something I was putting off I finally made the move today and it wasn't what I hoped for. I got heartbroken but I prepared myself for that turnout eventually. However, a twist of events led me to actually getting something else and at the same time, I was able to open up all these pent-up emotions I've been storing inside me for weeks... for months. It was embarrassing but it felt good to speak it all out. Thank you.

Again and Again

I don't know if this is because of this never ending pandemic and political problems but I just feel so down lately again. I continue to worry about a lot of things to from national concerns to personal problems. I wish it stops because it's quite hard to deal with it on a constant basis while pretending in front of other people that everything's OK. There's just a lot things that remind how everything is right now. How our lives have changed so much. And how it can never be the same again.

Damaged Souls

 As we near the anniversary when the community quarantine order was announced, the more I feel really sad. One year and things just got worse. Somehow it feels like time flies but at the same time everything moves so slowly. Our lives permanently changed. One or way another, we will never come out of this the same people we were before everything went to hell!

Dash

 Went to the grocery with Nanay today and there were barely any people. In a way it's relaxing and those early lockdown days where going to the grocery felt like going to war is long gone. But still it made me think if partly the reason with the lack of people earlier is that people are just struggling right now. We are less than a month away from the 1st year anniversary of the ECQ. Time flies but everything feels so slow. The vaccine rollout is quite messy so another thing to get stresses about really. Is this what it feels like to live in a historical moment. There are so many things I have learned from this but I can't feel at ease because of the uncertainty and general lack of proper guidance and trustworthy leadership. 

Foresight

 Today there was a decision made for the future and while it is needed, I felt pressured and of course for the inevitable but I don't want to happen anytime soon. I don't know why I always think of the bad implications first even if there's a positive direction behind this particular decision. With these decisions as well, I need to be more proactive as well and accept and handle more adult decisions. I'm 33 for crying out loud so it's overdue really but I just feel like I can't handle what lies ahead. I'm just scared of the future but I should change that attitude and be braver. Dear Lord please guide me and my family. 

Knock

 I want to make one move that could help things improve but I can't shake off the feeling of fear and thus keeping me from making the first step. I keep delaying what I should have done long ago. I fear rejection. I fear the spotlight would be put on me when I want to stay as private as possible. But I badly the door that this thing will open if I can be just brave enough to knock. 

Decline

 According to WHO, the GLOBAL  number of new coronavirus cases has declined by 16 percent  and the number of deaths declined by 10% too! This is a promising development and I hope the downward trend continues. This is giving me hope that maybe by the end of the year a semblance of the old normal will return. Please oh dear Lord, let this be the start of the end of this nightmare. 

Snippets 11

 - Cinema reopening in Metro Manila is on hold due to concerns by the mayors. It sucks but I get it and I do hope they find the right measures so the cinemas can open safely like in the provinces. I really want this industry to survive, streaming is great and accessible but also prone to piracy so there's that. 

- Tomorrow is my sister's birthday and of course my birthday wish/prayer is good health after the medical concerns she had early this year. 

-Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, the lenten season is here. Last year's Lent fell in the middle of the strict lockdown and it was such an eerie feeling especially during Maundy Thursday and Good Friday our subdivision went on full lockdown. Now it's almost a year later. It's not as strict anymore but still nowhere near the old normal. And we don't know for how long

Off

Today started a little rough then it didn't help my toothache is back! At work I drank paracetamol to relieve the pain but the effect is I got sleepy! It was so hard to work while fighting off antok! Of course rhere are things that annoyed me throughout the day as well. It was an off day. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

Scary thoughts

 My father had a dream last night about his departed siblings. He said it seems like they wanted to take him too. He got scared of course and we told to him to relax and don't think negatively. Admittedly, I got scared too but I didn't want to show it and I shifted topics because I don't want him to dwell on those thoughts. However, my mother got scared and she manifested it by being irritated at my father, telling him he should have a check up if he is feeling something off and stop thinking negative thoughts. It was quite stressful to be honest. I know my father is just feeling sad after losing his 3 brothers in a year. That's something he won't be able to move on easily especially the death of his youngest brother because it was so unexpected and we saw him suffer so much. It still makes me cry when I think about it so what more Tatay? Dear Lord please guide him at all times. 

Next Picture

 Cinemas in NCR are finally allowed to open! Looking forward to see what releases will be in play. Whule there were cinemas open in provinces since last quarter of 2020, there were no major releases as the top marker - Metro Manila - is not open. I understand there are still health concerns but as far as I know there's no reported outbreak anywhere in the world where cinemas are open and for sure protocols will be strictly enforced so theaters deserve to get a chance to regain business. I wish them well! 

Sixteen

I've been blogging for everyday now and I STILL forgot this blog's anniversary last February 4! SIXTEEN YEARS. This blog has existed for so long. I've neglected for years but I made a comeback last year and it helped me cope with the anxiety of the pandemic. It's just so cathartic. Thank you  Google for keeping Blogspot still alive all these years haha!

Anyway, thank you who maybe reading this :)

Productivity

 I had very busy day at work because tomorrow is a holiday (Chinese New Year. Why it became a holiday here I dunno haha!). I can't believe I did 10 program grids, cut-to-cut video editing for 20 episodes and quality check for 5 episodes all in one day. But good thing actually that the bosses told me I could ask for help from the special projects who are currently in between projects so at least my burden was lessened. But I love being busy today, it felt like I was back in the pre-pandemic times. I also didn't have the time to linger on thoughts that upset me lately. 

Hanging

I was reminded how one of my concerns is far from over. It was tough but I need to deal with the reality of life. I don't know for how long can I endure facing this matter. Everything is up in the air. It's hard not to lose hope, It's hard not to feel defeated. It's hard not feel the anger that's brewing inside of me. Why did this have to happen? Why do they always win? Why are they empowered? I'm terrified of what the future awaits. 

Product of Its Time

 

So yeah I watched another Digital Premiere of a Restored Filipino film earlier tonight! And just like time, it's a movie before I was born Tinimbang Ang Langit in 1982. This is a more commercial movie, so think of Viva/Regal movies of this era. It's light drama about romance and music. To be honest, I wasn't really captivated  by the story but I enjoyed it because I love seeing how contemporary 1982 looked like in clear resolution! The use of phones, the dialogue and I was also fascinated by how some aspects felt like it hasn't changed today. There was one though that clearly wouldn't fly today! There was a song featured here with a title "Try a Little Suicide" and to be fair the song is not really advocating suicide but it's a metaphor about taking a risk. The song is actually good but with that title, nope! It's not just about being politically correct but also sensitivity. But can't blame the songwriter and the movie though because back then it was just different context. That's what I love about seeing movies likes this set in the past, you'll have learnings along the way. 

Peaceful Trip

 Today I found out my original shuttle ride driver Kuya Rems passed away. I knew he was sick that's why he stopped his shuttle services but I didn't expect he will leave us soon. Life is so fragile. Rest in Peace Kuya Rems, thank you for safely driving us your passengers for all these years. I will never forget you.

LDR

 My brother went to our province Bohol today to be with his wife as they haven't seen in each other in over a year due to the pandemic. Currently, he is in quarantine in the LGU where they live in Bohol. After that he will stay there for a few more weeks before going back here because of his work. But I do think eventually my brother will reside in Bohol for good to be with his wife because I don't think my sister in law will leave there as honestly she has the more stable job right now while my brother's company is not in good shape. Plus they should be together raising their own family together. I really hope they'll have their own kid soon because my brother will definitely be a good father as he is a caring brother, son , husband and friend. I want to have another nephew or niece too! I'm glad though their year apart together is over now because love is hard to maintain when you are not together physically. 

Mercedes!

 Our company did the dubbing for this and I'm part of the team working on this as the Quality Checker. One thing I can say for sure is that iba talaga charisma ni Thalia. Whille previewing the episodes, I can't but for her charms here. Anyway, this is a good project for the company and glad to be part of it!

Red Lights, Stop Signs

 The current #1 on various international charts and I'm loving this song. The bridge is my favorite, there's just something that's captivating from it. I know there's Gen Z love triangle behind this song which probably helped this song gain buzz but the song is simply good that it wasn't just a one week wonder. It shows how music can be an effective storyteller.  I heard this song on the radio for the first time this week and it's sound so good there. Anyway, here's Olivia Rodrigo's first live TV performance of this song and she did really great, amazing vocals. She has so much potential at 17.

Unfulfilled

. Am I just tired? Physically? Mentally? Emotionally? I don't for know sure what the answer is. I just feel... empty. I wish I could achieve some I can be so proud of anytime soon. I'm probably in one of the lowest points of my life. Work keeps my mind busy where I do a lot of things right now. But the problem is the time I spent commuting because there's a lull and listening to music or podcast does not do the trick anymore. In that amount of time, I ponder on a lot of things and go to unpleasant phases. It's a recurring feeling I've pre-pandemic and now it's even harder because the pandemic just things so much complicated. I worry about the future. I feel so tense about the present. I feel so much regrets about the past. Horrible. Just plain horrible.

Microcosm

 So on tonight's PBB episode, this guy housemate started to act coldly to a girl housemate because he does not feel comfortable with the housemates teasing them. That I could understand but he went on and said a very problematic statement where he dissed the girl's looks. Later on the two had the chance to talk but I honestly didn't feel that he truly understood what's problematic with his behavior and instead made it about himself in the end. What I saw triggered me because I felt like there are lot of people like him out there who don't have awareness on what's wrong with their behavior and mindset. And that's dangerous. On a grander level, we are in this quite messy situation because many people behave like that.  PBB in general is a fluffy reality show but a moment like that is what draws me into the show 15 years in. Once in awhile, there's an incident that would really make me things on a deeper level. 

Familiar

 One of my longtime and closest co-worker went back to the office today after working from home for half a year. She's back working at the office fulltime now because thankfully we have a lot of projects now and she's needed to be in the office due to logistics of the project. We had a good catching up earlier too because we haven't seen each other in months! My video editor also dropped by today. He also works remotely because he went back home in Tarlac when the lockdown began . He is in NCR this week due to processing of her documents abroad (where his mother petitioned him) and decided to go to the office today to work. It's good to see him again and be able to instruct him in person in some of the tasks that was honestly hard to work out online. It's still different when you get to see the people you work with in person. Today is still far from normal but familiar, I'll take it. 

Lousy

 I feel off again today. It's a combination of frustrations on so many things in my life right now. Plus, the never ending despair I feel for the country. Earlier, I saw this news feature of struggling small time businesses in Cebu and one vendor said that she cries everyday with the low sales and my heart broke.  And then another news feature mentioned a statement from a WHO official saying that life won't truly return to normal until after 2 years. Oh my God.