Bye 2010s

Another decade has passed!

 The 2010s have been defined as me a working adult, facing life's challenges. Growing up and maturing. Realizing of the things I've missed out, missed expectations on life goals, general disappoinments! The latter half of this decade have been quite frustrating as shown on this blog! I started decade having this blog as a repository of pop culture interests and eventually became the place where I scream all my angst in life! But it has been very helpful at least.
 It freaks me out that I'm 32, a full-pledged adult. I sometimes I don't feel like one, sometimes I do. It has been a generally OK year to year if I'll be honest. A lot of challenges. Thankfully, I surpassed all of them. The latter half of the decade I truly felt how time is changing and saying goodbye to the ones that became a part of my life. Look back sometimes but always move forward,

2020s bring it on!

My 10 Favorite Movies of 2019

Another year of seeing fewer movies than I want to. Movies are just expensive! Anyway, my top 10 is again limited to what I just saw and it's really a slim selection😂


1. Quezon's Game

It's a fascinating look of a part of our history that seems have been forgotten. I never knew about this story until I've seen this film. This is a low budget but you won't feel, they maximized their resources to the full effect. Truly excellent.

2. Parasite
Thrilling with a great message of about inequality. Best seen with out any knowledge about it for full maximum surprise effect!

3. Toy Story 4

They did it again! Pixar once again formed a story with these lovable toys that resembles the journey of a real person in life. The theme about moving on to the next chapter of your life is someone will strongly feel connected to.

4. Edward
This film tells a whimsical story of a coming-of-age of a young teen boy in the midst of the seriously depressing world of public hospitals in the country. It has its whimsical charm despite the tragic stetting the character lives on. Very affecting film.

5. Alone/Together
I totally loved Tin's character journey here and how her idealism in her youth was crushed upon entering the real world. The circumstances leading to that felt a little contrived but the film totally got the feeling of disillusionment a young adult feels upon facing that being idealistic is so hard

6. Marriage Story 

This film perfectly captured how a strained relationship feels like and the conflict of doing what you heart desires vs what is practical. Excellent script and acting

7. Frozen II

A worthy follow up to the 2013 classic. While I feel the main storyline needed tightening, the powerful songs in the third act more than makes up for it. Show Yourself sequence alone is worth the ticket admission

8. Aladdin
This is so much better than initial promo suggested. I felt the production designed needed more oomph but this was such a fun remake. Will Smith's Friend Like Me is fantastic and A Whole New World still gave me goose bumps! The new song Speechless is simply divine as the re-imagining of Princess Jasmine in this live-adaptation works well

9. How to Train Your Dragon: Hidden World

The villain was a little weak but still the conclusion to this series ended on a perfect way as we see Hiccup and Toothless face the future as they follow their journey. Emotional finish but well-earned.

10. Hello, Love, Goodbye

A poignant look of the life of an OFW and how the idea of relationships in a temporary world could work (or not). I especially like how it ended, that sometimes you have to choose yourself and your dreams.

Favorites from the past years:

2018

2017

2016

2015
2014
2013
2012
2011

My 10 Favorite Comedy TV Series Episodes of 2019

Here is my annual rundown of my favorite episodes of the sitcoms/comedy programs I watched this year. Like in previous years for variety purposes I just chose one episode per show. Check out my top 10 lists over the years:  2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013,2012

1. Speechless Season 3, Episode 22 "U-n-r-Unrealistic"
The de-facto series finale of this wonderful sweet show had heartwarming showcase of the human spirit. Sometimes all you need is to believe that even the unrealistic could be conquered.

2. The Conners Season 2, Episode 7 "Slappy Holidays"
This episode had the perfect balance of capturing real life tension between family members without losing its comedy side. The confronation between Darlene and Jackie is such a TV moment that left me gasping. It felt so real.

3. Fleabag Season 2, Episode 6
I jumped the bandwagon with this show's insane hype this year and it lived up to it. The (series) finale totally embodies why this show captured the hearts of many people, a comedic take of things not going your way but hey life goes on. Fleabag represented a lot of us with a messy side but hopeful of the life ahead.

4. Young Sheldon Season 3, Episode 5 "A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship"
This episode left a mark on me because of a seemingly stray comment made by supporting character Dr. Sturgis referring to himself as "damaged goods". It's self-depreciating made with so much earnestness and touch of heartbreak. This show is underrated because it's such a good and heartfelt coming of age sitcom a kid with peculiar mindset.

5. Superstore Season 4, Episode 22 "Employee Appreciation Day"
This episode was thrilling, funny with a shocking end. The race to hide Mateo was so expertly executed and the final scenes will leave you in shock. I also appreciate how the show portrays the life of a regular worker and the complicated corporate world.

6. The Big Bang Theory Season 12, Episode 24 "Stockholm Syndrome"
The series finale of this 12-year old series was so sweet and true to itself. Ending it with Sheldon's speech appreciating his friends for all the years they have loved and cared for him in their special ways.

7. The Good Place Season 3, Episode 11 "The Book of Doughs"
I love how this dug deep into a person's character, that doing what's wrong and right is not all the time sometime you can judge in black and white. There's always a grey because life is so complicated

8. Mom Season 7, Episode 10 "Higgledy-Piggledy and a Cat Show"
The show rarely does holiday-themed episodes unlike other sitcoms so the fact that they made one this year piqued my interest quickly. This episode knocked it out of the park! Funny, heartbreaking and heartwarming. It was also good to see how far Bonnie and Christy have come.

9. Bob's Burgers Season 10 Episode 5, "Legends of the Mall"
This wonderful animated family comedy is always and the current season is an embarassment of riches. I ultimately picked this episode because of the subplot of Bob finding it hard to buy pants on his own. The episode also captured the charm of a mall to a kid which I could relate to a lot.

10. Kim's Convenience Season 3 Episode 8, "To Him It May Concern"
This sitcom I just discovered this year on Netflix and binged all three seasons. Of the episodes that their aired this year, I picked this one because it's funny but insightful look of the life of a migrant through the use of their adopted language "English". It shows that even if years have passed living in a foreign land, there are moments when you realized you are still an outsider and it's okay.

My Hot 100 of the 2010s (2010-2019)

1. Dati - Sam Concepcion and Tippy Dos Santos feat Quest (2013)
2. Just The Way You Are - Bruno Mars (2010)
3. Closer - The Chainsmokers feat Halsey  (2016)
4. Rolling in the Deep - Adele (2011)
5. Maybe The Night - Ben & Ben (2018)
6. Perfect - Ed Sheeran (2017)
7. Lost Stars – Adam Levine (2014)
8. Somebody That I Used to Know - Gotye feat Kimbra (2012)
9. Shut Up and Dance - Walk The Moon (2015)
10.  Lover - Taylor Swift (2019)

11. Moves Like Jagger - Maroon Five feat Christina Aguilera (2011)
12. Buwan - Juan Karlos (2018)
13. Uptown Funk - Marc Ronson feat Bruno Mars (2015)
14. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry (2010)
15. Some Nights - fun.   (2012)
16. Thinking Out Loud – Ed Sheeran (2014)
17. Remember Me - Coco cast (2017)
18. Versace on the Floor - Bruno Mars (2016)
19. Ikot Ikot - Sarah Geronimo (2013)
20.  Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi (2019)

21. Walang Natira - Gloc 9 feat Sheng Belmonte (2011)
22. Just Give Me a Reason - Pink feat Nate Ruess (2013)
23. Love The Way You Lie - Eminem feat Rihanna (2010)
24. Secret Love Song - Little Mix feat Jason DeRulo (2016)
25. Dahil Sa'Yo - Inigo Pascual (2017) 
26. All of Me – John Legend (2014)
27. Gangnam Style – PSY (2012)
28. Pumped Up Kicks - Foster The People (2011)
29. Mundo - IV of Spades (2018)
30.  Cake By The Ocean - DNCE (2015)

31. Hello - Adele (2015)
32. Shape of You - Ed Sheeran (2017)
33. Hey, Soul Sister - Train (2010)
34. Rude – MAGIC!  (2014)
35. Falling In - Lifehouse (2011)
36. Let It Go - Idina Menzel (2013)
37. When We We're Young - Adele  (2015)
38. Sila - Sud (2016)
39. The Greatest Show - The Greatest Showman Ensemble (2018)
40.  Tala - Sarah Geronimo (2016)

41. Shake It Out - Florence + The Machine (2012)
42. Sana - I Belong to the Zoo (2018)
43.Say You Won't Let Go - James Arthur (2016)
44. Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen  (2012)
45. Stay With Me – Sam Smith (2014)
46. That's What I Like - Bruno Mars (2017)
47. Love Yourself - Justin Bieber (2015)
48.  Mahal Ko o Mahal Ako – KZ Tandingan (2014)
49. Clarity - Zedd feat Foxes (2013)
50.  Kung 'Di Rin Lang Ikaw  - December Avenue feat. Moira Dela Torre (2018)

51. Triangulo - Thyro & Yumi feat Jeric Medina (2015)
52. Kilometro – Sarah Geronimo (2014)
53. Never Enough - Loren Allred (2018)
54. Someone Like You - Adele (2011)
55.  Love Me Like You Do- Ellie Goulding (2015)
56. Hangover - Sugarfree (2010)
57. It's Time - Imagine Dragons (2012)
58.  Di Lang Ikaw - Juris (2010)
59. Counting Stars - One Republic (2013)
60. Sa’yo – Silent Sanctuary (2014)

61. Shake It Off – Taylor Swift (2014)
62. Airplanes - B.o.B feat Hayley Williams (2010)
63. Payphone - Maroon Five feat Wiz Khalifa (2012)
64. Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots (2016)
65. Bang Bang - Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj and Jessie J (2014)
66. Royals - Lorde (2013)
67. High Hopes - Panic! at the Disco (2018)
68. Ikaw – Yeng Constantino (2014)
69.  In The Name of  Love - Martin Garrix feat Bebe Rexha  (2016)
70. Thunder - Imagine Dragons (2017)

71, Sugar - Maroon Five (2015)
72. Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke feat Pharell & T.I (2013
73. Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO feat. Lauren Bennett and GoonRock (2011)
74. She's So Mean - Matchbox Twenty (2012)
75. Sidekick - Dawin (2017)
76, Rumour Has It - Adele (2011)
77. Pyramid - Charice feat Iyaz (2010)
78. Happy- Pharell Williams (2013)
79. Hotline Bling - Drake (2015)
80. Price Tag - Jessie J feat B.o.B (2011)

81. Buko - Jireh Lim (2013)
82. She's Kinda Hot - 5 Seconds of Summer (2015)
83. Love Runs Out – One Republic (2014)
84. Between the Raindrops - Lifehouse feat Natasha Bedingfield (2012)
85. Circles - Post Malone (2019)
86. Nothing - The Script (2010)
87. Mirrors - Justin Timberlake (2013)
88. Pagtingin - Ben & Ben (2019)
89. It Will Rain - Bruno Mars (2011)
90. Girls - 1975 (2014)

91. 20 / 20 - Pupil (2011)
92. Bad Guy - Billie Eilish (2019)
93. Hurricane - Lifehouse (2015)
94. Kahit Ayaw Mo Na - This Band (2018)
95. Rhythm of Love - Plain White Ts (2010)
96.  If You Ever Change Your Mind - Marion Aunor (2013)
97. Where My Love Goes - Lawson (2016)
98. I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz (2012)
99. Heavy - Linkin Park feat Kiarra (2017)
100. Somebody To You – The Vamps feat Demi Lovato (2014)

My Hot 100 for 2019

My favorite songs of the year!

1. Lover - Taylor Swift
2. Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi
3. Circles - Post Malone
4. Pagtingin - Ben & Ben
5. Bad Guy - Billie Eilish
6. Hindi na Nga - This Band
7. Ikaw at Linggo - Eamarie Gilayo
8. I Love It - Rob Thomas
9. Speechless - Naomi Scott
10. Blow - Ed Sheeran feat Bruno Mars & Chris Stapleton

11. Bulong - December Avenue
12. ME! - Taylor Swift feat Brendon Urie
13. Walk Me Home - Pink
14. Sunflower - Post Malone & Swae Lee
15. Here With Me - Marshmello feat CHVRCHES
16. Raise Your Flag - KZ Tandingan feat Kritiko
17. Truth Hurts - Lizzo
18. Balang Araw - I Belong to the Zoo
19. Dulo ng Hangganan - IV of Spades
20. Kahit Na Anong Sabihin ng Iba - Unit 406

21. Wow - Post Malone
22. I Don't Care - Ed Sheeran feat Justin Bieber
23. Memories - Maroon Five
24. Dancing with the Stranger - Sam Smith feat Normani
25. Goodbyes - Post Malone feat Young Thug
26. Ex - Callalily feat Yeng Constantino
27. Beautiful People - Ed Sheeran feat Khalid
28. Di Ba Halata - Agsunta
29. I'm So Tired - Lauv & Troye Sivan
30. Call You Mine - The Chainsmokers feat Bebe Rexha

31. Please Me - Cardi B & Bruno Mars
32. Timebomb - Walk The Moon
33. Talk - Khalid
34. A Whole New World - Mena Massoud and Naomi Scott
35. Di Na Babalik - This Band
36. Patawad, Paalam - Moira De La Torre and I Belong to the Zoo
37. Nagbabalik - Rico Blanco and IV of Spades
38. Ikaw at Ako - Moira Dela Torre & Jason Marvin
39. Lie to Me - 5 Seconds of Summer feat Julia Michaels
40. Bad Liar - Imagine Dragons

41. Timeless - Rob Thomas
42. Paalam - Moira Dela Torre and Ben&Ben
43. Dahan - December Avenue
44. Simula ng Dulo - Davey Langit
45. Sweet But Psycho - Ava Max
46. Into the Unknown - Idina Menzel and Aurora
47. Senorita - Shawn Mendes and Camilla Cabello
48. Slow Dance - AJ Mitchell feat Ava Max
49. Lost in the Woods - Jonathan Groff
50. Trip a Little Light Fantastic - Lin-Manuel Miranda

51.  Before it Sinks In - Moira Dela Torre
52. Masyado Pang Maaga - Ben&Ben
53. A Cover is Not a Book - Emily Blunt and Lin-Manuel Miranda
54. Branches - Ben&Ben
55. You Need to Calm Down - Taylor Swift
56. Hey Look Ma, I Made It - Panic at the Disco
57. One Less Day (Dying Young) - Rob Thomas
58.  How Do You Sleep - Sam Smith
59. Take That Man - IV of Spades
60. Show Yourself - Idina Menzel

61. Lost in the Middle of Nowhere - Kane Brown feat Becky G
62. F*** I'm Lonely - Lauv and Anne-Marie
63. Araw Araw - Ben&Ben
64. Con Calma (Remix) - Daddy Yankee feat Katy Perry
65. Hello My Love - Westlife
66. Never Really Over - Katy Perry
67. Old Town Road (remix) - Lil Nas X feat Billy Ray Cyrus
68. Di Ka Mahirap Mahalin - Silent Sanctuary
69. Mabagal -  Moira Dela Torre and Daniel Padilla
70. Where I Belong - Simple Plan, State Champs, We The Kings

71. Motivation - Normani
72, Talk of the Town - Andy Brown
73. Stay Around - American Authors
74. If I Can't Have You - Shawn Mendes
75. Who Do You Love - The Chainsmokers and 5 Seconds of Summer
76. Pauwi Na Ko - PDL, Skusta Clee et al
77. Hanggang Dulo - Paraluman
78. Better Man - Westlife
79. Juice - Lizzo
80. Love Me Anyway - Pink feat Chris Stapleton

81. Alaala - Alekzandra
82. Sucker - Jonas Brothers
83. One Thing Right - Marshmello feat Kane Brown
84. Kills You Slowly - The Chainsmokers
85.  So Am I - Ava Max
86. 7 Rings - Ariana Grande
87. Carry Me Away - John Mayer
88. Ano Bang Meron - Rayt Carreon
89. Good As Hell - Lizzo
90. Pangarap Kong Pangarap Mo - Zephanie

91. Lose You to Love Me - Selena Gomez
92. Boy with Luv - BTS feat Halsey
93. Pag-ibig Fortune Cookie - MNL48
94. Harder - Jax Jones feat Bebe Rexha
95. Kill This Love - Blackpink
96. 3 Nights - Dominic Finke
97. Christmas Tree Farm - Taylor Swift
98. Dance Monkey - Tones and I
99. 10,000 Hours - Dan & Shay feat Justin Bieber
100. The Ballad of the Lonesome Cowboy - Chris Stapleton

***

My Hot 100 for 2018

My Hot 100 for 2017

My Hot 100 for 2016

My Hot 100 for 2015

My Hot 100 for 2014

 My Hot 100 for 2013

My Hot 100 for 2012 
My Hot 100 for 2011
My Hot 100 for 2010
My Hot 100 for 2009  
My Hot 100 for 2008
My Hot 100 for 2007

Believe

One of my favorite modern Christmas songs. It just speaks to me on a deeper level now that I'm an adult.

In just a few hours, it's Christmas. It just not the same but you know I'm thankful because despite my general feeling of negativity the past few years, I still get to spend Christmas with my family who are all healthy and away from harm. I feel so ungrateful at times when I feel so resentful about certain aspects of my life but times like this, it does give me a reminder of what I have and how I should cherish the moment,

Major

So I tomorrow I will try to end one of the things that is holding me back. It's a repercussion of me playing things safe. It's a big move from me and it involves money. I have limited funds so this decision is giving me so much anxiety right now. I could have solved this long ago if I made better decision and took risk earlier but it's too late. Now I have to salvage it before things get even more complicated and give me more anxiety.

Cycle

Well, I'm blogging because as expected I'm once again feeling crappy. My backpack which I have been using for years broke big time today. I had to commute so  I placed my bag on a paper bag and just when I was about the ride the van home the paper bag broke, so yeah it was such a hassle. Things got even worse because I had to give up my seat in the van to a middle-aged married couple can seat together. I could't say no because you know an adult man saying no to that is impolite. And it's really no big deal anyway. But the seat I had in return was so cramped. I'm a fat guy so I squeezed myself as tight as possible. And I had to hold this broken paper bag holding my broken bag. My butt and legs were aching all throughout the trip. Add to the stress is I learned my parents had a fight today due to a small thing actually. I filed a leave tomorrow because my parents asked me to look after my nephew because they have something to do but now that they're not in good terms, I had to accompany my father tomorrow because my mother won't go. I was planning to do some work-from-home stuff but I can't say no of course because there would be conflict. I can't openly express my feelings because if they noticed this could lead to another unnecessary issue. I don't want any of that. And it's really just a small thing so yeah as I always I need to adjust so everyone can be comfortable. I know these so-called problems is really just a small thing compared to what other people are experiencing so I need to keep things in check. But man sometimes it's just hard for me dealing with this kind of stuff. The past few years, as shown on this blog, I've been tormented by my frustrations in life. I cope up with this avoiding thinking this way, removing myself from situations where it could be triggered. Distracting myself with the frivolities of life. But ultimately I always end up feeling this way. My insecurity has gotten worst to be honest. You see whenever I see a balding man on the street, I can help but look at their bald spots and imagine that's how I look like now. I thought I could handle balding better but no. I know this is such a small issue but you see I can't deny it anymore that I feel so devastated going bald this early. Why even in this I can't catch a break?
Overweight, balding with a so-so financial status. Oh wow, I do deserve this mediocre life because I'm lazy to take risks. Such a weakling.

Damaged Goods

I watched the latest episode of Young Sheldon earlier and unexpectedly got me emotional because of one character. Dr. Sturgis is an old scientist who broke up with Sheldon's grandmother because he is "damaged goods". He had mental health issues and decided that he could not put someone else in this kind of relationship.  She was his first ever girlfriend in his senior year at that! He felt that he is better off alone and not trouble anyone else. Now that he found someone for him, he let it go because he does not want to be the person that drags someone down with him. This show is generally a likable pleasant comedy but it has a lot of heart which is why I'm into it. But I didn't expect to be affected this way. It was the way Dr. Sturgis described himself as "damaged goods" that touched a nerve. It felt like the perfect words to describe how I sadly see myself. I'm damaged goods so I'm better off alone and not pull someone else down with me to the gutter. For the longest time, I thought I'm okay with this. I thought about how I will be at this age back in my teens. But I know in my heart that  I hoped it won't be the case. But looks like it is where I am heading to. I've come to terms with it long ago and but maybe it wasn't really the case because how could a random moment like that on a TV show gave me such feels?

Honestly, I was planning not to dwell with this thoughts but I came home and felt anxious because of an incident. And now here I am typing my feelings away in this blog that has become a repository of my recurring and never-ending anxiety-filled thoughts.

Bury it deep.

Sucker

 Some random thing could trigger this feeling again. I feel so inadequate. At 32 years old, I haven't really achieved anything. In my college days, I felt like I was probably never going to get married and now I'm at the age where a lot of friends and acquaintances are married and raising their  own families and I feel envious. I don't admit it to anyone but yeah I do. I wish I am that stage of my life. I thought I've conditioned myself to have this fate but when reality kicks in, it hits hard. I know married life and raising a family is no walk in the park but still I wish I was in the position where it could be possible. I know still not yet late but I just feel it ain't happening. I just have no capabilities financial and emotional for that kind of life.

I wish I was at least rich you know where I could give at least my parents a luxurious life and where I can give them money that they request me without feeling a little anxious because I don't have that much. I wish I'm the child who was able to give them a lot more of they deserve. They are good parents especially for a sickly child like me. They are now in their 60s and I could definitely feel they are getting old and not the same as they used to be. I'm still able to help financially but just enough to cover the house expenses. I barely have extra to give them more. I wish I was the kind of child that could give my father a new car or  the very least afford all the car maintenance. I wish I was the kind of child that could give them vacations to their beloved hometown or even anywhere.  I wish I could buy my mother a new washing machine or microwave. I wish I could give my father new clothes and shoes. I wish I was able to be the child who spoils them as they enjoy their senior year. But the truth is I just give. enough to pay my share of the electricity, water bill and groceries. Just that and nothing more. It depresses me sometimes that I just can't afford it. '

I feel so envious whenever I see people my age who can buy their own car, own their own house and travel to places for vacation. I can't even shell out money these days to buy new shows and large clothes. I can't even watch a  lot of movies liked I used to. I can't even subscribe to Netflix because too expensive for me.


I really hate how I look. Obese and balding at 32. I look so older than I am supposed. Facing the mirror depresses me so much. I try to be self deprecating about it but this really bothers me a lot. But it's my fault I stress eat. My mother gave me a word earlier because I was this large bag of chips I got annoyed but I stayed quiet because what she is true. I eat too much garbage food and I'm to lazy to stop. I feel heavy. Both literary and figuratively

Earlier I was listening to the radio and the DJs were talking about them getting stressed as they balance work, life and going back to school to take master's. That dream of me again studying again came back and you know I really want to do it but guess can't afford it again.

And there's my journalist dreams. Everytime I read a great piece or listen to a podcast or a great TV show. I wish I can be the who could author that. I wish at least that even if I'm not, I have this great work of passion to be proud about. But I have nothing but just daydreams.


Yes I admit I feel so much envy these days. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I try to contain these feelings but I can't escape from it. It keeps on haunting me.


I know the reason I'm not really successful in life because I play it safe. So afraid of risk. So afraid of rocking the boat. So afraid of change.

Most importantly, I just don't have the right attitude to succeed. I'm okay with mediocrity. That's why I will  never be on top.

Recurring

Now 32 years old.

And I still have the same issues hovering my mind and my heart. I hate this feeling. On the day itself, I tried to do things to relax which I had for a few hours but then I went back to that nagging feeling of distress that I can't seem to escape. There's always discomfort. There's always that worry. 

I have a weekly source of stress lately. It's so frustrating. It happens over and over again. Last week I tried to escape but it literally welcomed me back. And now I went to do stuff then went back to that again. Can't I catch a break? 

I made certain decisions for the convenience of others. I don't want to deal with the stress that comes with pursuing something that will make others uncomfortable. I'm a pushover. I hate it but I just want things to be as calm as possible. I don't want stress and anxiety anymore so I try to control things to avoid that but there's truly no escape because it keeps on coming back. It finds way to taunt me over and over again. 

Looming

I'm worried again. I feel so anxious worrying about the worst case scenario. I should relax and think positively but my fear is overpowering me. I'm already thinking on how I would handle the scenario in case it happens. Can I keep myself together if my worst fears come to fruition? If that happens I really need to be strong and calm because everyone else will be in shambles, so I need to be the rock. This pessimism is really just killing my zest for life.

Yesterday I decided to do something personal to take a break from the anxiety but just as soon as I got home instantly stress welcomed at me at the door. I can't catch a break. Like I can't really do something for personal entertainment, The happiness is just fleeting so why even bother.

Now, I'm in a bad spot again but I gotta be strong and keep that facade because hey I have no choice but be that person.

Outdated

Turning 32 a week from now.  Nothing special planned.  I'm gonna be busy at work because Thursday is always the day where my tasks are piled up. So yeah it will be an ordinary day. I will visit the chapel near the office to pray. My birthday wish is always good health for me and my loved ones and that we  are always away from any form of harm. Everytime I feel so frustrated with some family issue, I always keep in mind that this is still a minor problem and be thankful because things could be worst. And it calms me down and puts me into perspective. So when I feel upset I just keep it inside and just write my frustrations away here on this blog which I believe no I know reads anyway. Blogging in this form is kinda dead.  In a way I like it. I can be open to the universe but barely anyone can read it anymore so I can be more free? I dunno, it's silly I know but it helps me.

I've been having such petty problems that really frustrates me. The shoes I use are damaged, I can still use it so I do. But it frustrates I can't replace it immediately. I can't afford it. My belt is broken too, a superglue just keeping it together. It can't handle my fat. Speaking off, I have a pair of pants that are damaged too. The price I pay for my gluttony.

I have been conscious with my baldness now. I used to be okay with it but I now I wear a cap or beanie in the office. Well, it's cold because of the aircon and yeah I just hate how I look now. I look older than I really am because of my weight and my bald spot. I used to not care but then I had this moment where I looked myself in the mirror and really noticed how ugly I look with this balding hair. I look better with a cap or beanie on covering it. I feel less conscious. I hate the fact that I've lost my hair so young. So frustrating. I don't know what I could have done to stop this. Genes and stress, how can I really fight it.

I'm now again feeling frustrated with my financial status. I've been thinking of talking to my superiors to ask for a raise. But I don't know. I'm too shy and conscious. Last year I did it via e-mail but nothing really happened and I didn't follow it up anymore. So this time I need to tell them personally but I admit I feat of getting rejected. I will feel so bad and maybe resentful. But that's me thinking way too negative early on. Lord please grant me courage.

I don't want to think about it but I can't lie to myself. I feel sad that I will turn 32 in a week and I still feel I haven't achieved anything noteworthy. I'm scared where my future is heading. I feel like I have't really matured enough.  And yeah I feel so lonely. I wish it wasn't this way but it's a lingering feeling I try to fight each day.

Repetitive

It's so frustrating that you know that it's just not gonna change... ever. You should always be on alert or else chaos begins. So tired of it. I'm tired of sumbat. I'm tired of nothing is really sincere, there's always something you need to owe to someone. So tired of trying to make things OK but know their temper should always prevail and one must bow down to. So tried to bottling emotions up and keeping resentments at bay.  Oh what hell-ish life this is. You really try your best to ignore it because when everything pacifies, it's all okay. But it keeps on happening in your unguarded moments.

I'm so unhappy really. But you must not show it. I keep trying to remind other people have it worst over and over again so this feeling won't eat me whole and keep things in perspective. Most of the time I succeed but there are moments like this as I type this that I am reminded it's really not the case. I don't want to whine but I want to let it all out to keep me sane so I can keep the facade that I can face this and battle all the negative energy being pushed at me.

But for how long can I keep this?

I wish there wasn't a but

Today is my 10th anniversary working for the same company. I made a blog about my first day 10 years ago here.

To be honest, I have mixed feelings. Of course I'm grateful to have a stable job for a decade already. A job in an area where I have so much interest and the company has really been a family to me

BUT

There's a but

I wish there wasn't a but.

I just feel like I should be happier and not just be okay. I don't want to leave to be honest because I really like it here. yes I hate to admit I wish it was more financially rewarding. I just feel like I deserve it.  And yes a part of me is frustrated because I feel like I'm way behind where I am supposed to be financially speaking at this point of my life. I'm not broke by any means but I just have enough to be okay. I wish there was more. I wish my financial status is stronger than where I am now.  I wish I could have saved more. I have savings but it's not as big as I hoped it would be. I wish I could have helped more with my family. I wish I could buy more stuff for my parents. They don't ask me that much but I wish I was the child who could really spoil them and give them luxuries. But no I can only give a little more than enough. I wish I have more so I can replace my laptop monitor. I wish I have more so I can have a printer again. I wish I have more so I can buy my nephew his own laptop. I wish I had more so I won't feel stressed when the going gets tough. I wish there was for me to buy those large clothes and pants that I need because I'm so fat right now and plus size attire is just so expensive. And yes I wish there was more for me to afford to take a risk. Try a business venture or send myself back to school to take a Master's degree.I wish I had more that I won't feel so terrible when I make an impulse purchase. I wish I had more so I can see a movie in a theater on a regular basis. I wish I had more so I won't feel so bad when I want something but I can't afford to do so.

Today is a personal milestone and I hate that there's a part of me that feels this way. This was not what I pictured my life to be 10 years ago. I hate to admit but it is what I feel right now

I want to feel better. I really do. I don't want to feel this way every single time I blog.

Unchanged

Elections on  Monday and I dread the results more than ever. It will be disappointing for sure. I can feel it with actual people surround me. Their choices, the people they will vote for. Charisma is deadly. People CHOSE to ignore the obvious and believes on thing that aligns with what they want to hear.

And the "woke" crowd I find problematic as well. I'm all for educating and enlightening people but the tone is just too antagonistic most of the times. What a lot of people don't understand,the more you berate, the more they don't listen. There's that sense of arrogance and superiority complex that turns people off.  I

This is such a difficult time. I blame social media in a way, easier access to misinformation propaganda.

I'm scared with the future. But you gotta hope.  You need to.

Embrace the Meltdown

So tonight my mood was again ruined. It's so tough to deal with out of the blue meltdown. The emotional torture is too much. But I have to be understanding. I have to be sensible. I have to be kind.
Think that other people have it worst! Think that life isn't that hard compared to other people. Just think that way.

FOURTEEN

This month this blog turned 14 years old! I'm really happy Blogger still exists up to this day. I kinda regretted that some of my key blogs died with Multiply before, I should have backed it up here hahaha

Anyway, this place has become a safe place for me of some sort. I hope that I will be able to write better this year and less with angst. Writing my angst here has been a good outlet for me to feel catharsis. But I wish I will be able to write some happier things soon. Less angst, more hope.

God please guide me

Ten

On my first job interview, I was asked how do I see myself 10 years from now. I remember answering it confidently, “I will be working here on a managerial position fulfilling my passion as I lead the company to greater heights”. I pictured myself earning so well that I’ll be raising my own family with a comfortable lifestyle.  Flash forward today and those 10 years have already passed. This coming March, it had already been eleven years since I graduated from college. So where am I at this point in my life? 

 I was hired by that company but I lasted only three months because I felt that the working culture does not suit me. A few weeks later I accepted a job that is barely connected to the degree I finished but the salary was above average for an entry-level employee so why not? I did very poorly on that job and I resigned after five months. I wanted to spare myself of the embarrassment of getting fired so I quit before they could even do so. In less than a year after I graduated, I already had two short stint jobs. Things are not going the way I was hoping. Scratch that, my life is not heading to the path I wanted. I was so frustrated because back in school I was a very diligent student. I make cautious decisions because I want everything in order and fool-proof. Back-to-back failures are something I didn’t expect I would face post-graduation. Still, I marched on hoping to eventually find my place in the working world. 

One day I actually found myself facing an opportunity to work for a dream company. A job that I’ve been dreaming of since I was a child. But before I could say “yes”, the person interviewing me asked if I’m okay with the starting salary.  Only at that moment did I realize that I didn’t think what I will be earning. I was just too excited that I’m so close on finally landing that dream job. When I found out how much it is, my heart sank.  It was too low.  The interviewer was frank and told me that financial growth in that industry is slow and that only passion can help you last longer.  With a heavy heart, I declined the job offer. On my way home, I kept on thinking if I made the right choice. What if that was the only window of opportunity to pursue my passion? My heart wanted to take the risk but my brain stopped me. It was simply not practical to pursue a job where I would be on the losing end financially. Passion will not pay the bills. Back in college, I was so committed to pursuing my passion but the real world will indeed find a way to challenge the way you view life. 

Letting go of a lifelong dream was hard but I had to move on. When I entered my third job I swore to myself that no matter what challenge or stressful situation I face I won’t back down easily. Fortunately nearly ten years later I’m still here doing a job I’m interested in with a good enough income.  But am I near where I envisioned myself ten years ago? Not even close. Now in my early 30s it does worry me that I may never reach that goal. As much as my idealism withered over time, there’s still that fire in my heart telling me to not give up. Perhaps it will take another ten years or so before I will be the person I wanted to be ten years ago but I will continue walking forward.

My 10 Favorite Podcasts of 2018

My new passion this year is listening to podcasts! It started when I discovered there are available podcasts on Spotify and then I fell deep into the rabbit hole and discovered a lot of podcasts about a lot of things. My particular topic that I'm very into is narrative journalism! Podcasts are perfect to listen while I do paperwork at work and commuting (it actually takes my mind off traffic!). Anyway, here are the podcast that got my ears busy this year!

1. This American Life
- My absolute favorite because it is narrative journalism at its finest. This is a radio that started over 20 years ago and tells various stories under one theme each week. My favorite are the slice of life stories the best

2. Heavyweight
- This podcast features stories of individuals trying to resolved something in their past that was left unresolved. Each episodes are funny and emotional and I absolutey the host's dry humor as well.

3. Kind World 
- Short stories of people extending their hand to other people in various ways. This podcast somehow help restore my faith in humanity in this era of outlandish aggressive toxic behavior

4. Household Name
- Each a popular company brand is featured and unknown story about them is told. The often tell fascinating and engaging stories

5. Reply All
- A podcast about the Internet but not strictly about it as well. I love the episodes when they feature Internet subcultures I don't know existed and also stories about how some online event has led to bigger impact in real life

6. Serial
-of course the most popular podcast of them all. The first season is the most popular one and that's not a suprise because the way they narrated the crime was really engrossing. The latest season released this year was also fantastic as well as it deals with the criminal system

7. Start Up
- The podcast about starting a business, the first season was about the podcast company itsefl Gimlet and it was such an engaging journey. The later seasons were more flexible and not just strictly about start ups and business just like this year they released seasons about starting a Church and a charter school.

8. Endless Thread
- A podcast about stories that were found on Reddit! It's kind like Reply All in a way because it stories that stems from the Internet. The topics are as wide as the scope of Reddit is and the stories are always so fascinating especially when they get to interview the people behind the usernames

9. Imagine Life
- This is a narrative podcast where the listener is told the story of a famous person in second person point of view and they only reveal who the person at the end of each episode This is an immersive listening experience and it's actually quite fun when you figure out who the person is before the reveal due to the context clues they drop in.

10. Dr. Death 
- This is a podcast that really made me so mad as it is about a surgeon who is so inept that ultimately led to serious damage to a lot of patiens and worse death to some. What's more infuriating about this is how the system of being afraid to fire a doctor enable him to do this big damage.

My Top 10 Favorite Movies of 2018

Another year where I watched fewer movies than I would want . Anyway, there are 2017 releases but I've only seen them this year (or was released just this year). From the movies I've seen in the theater this year here are my 10 favorites of 2018!

10. Incredibles 2
- A fun and action filled sequel to the Pixar classic.

9. The Greatest Showman
- The story is just okay but the SONGS! The musical sequences elevated it to me.

8. Teen Titans GO! To The Movies
-Teen Titans Go! To The Movies is indeed a movie about getting a movie made. It sounds a little crazy on paper but it totally worked on screen as the humor is so wicked and sharp

7. Searching
Searching is a nifty modern thriller with strong emotional core that will you keep engaged from start to finish.

6. Ralph Breaks The Internet
- An imaginative and action filled sequel to the 2012 original. The sequence with the Disney Princesses was the highlight, so funny!

5. Smallfoot 
Smallfoot is a pleasant surprise as it went beyond simple kiddie entertainment as it explored deep ideas of bending the truth and blind faith

4. Exes Baggage 
I felt that this movie was able to capture a relationship by regular folks in this modern era and the soundtrack just added to a fantastic movie experience. And the ending I love it! Not exactly new but the way they build the scene was glorious.

3. Ang Dalawang Mrs Reyes
The movie was marketed as a broad comedy about wives discovering that their husbands are gay and in a relationship. But the movie is so much more than that. It's a great dissection of not just sexual identity but also about relationships and dealing with pain.

2. Changing Partners 
This Cinema One original is a fantastic and unique musical which tells the story of four couples of various gender and age gap (played by four actors switching characters) and firmly expresses that no matter what the differences, romantic relationship have similar struggles and challenges.

1. Signal Rock
-The story of the go-to guy of a remote community. This movie perfectly captured what it's like to be the shock absorber and how one takes the extra mile just to solve out problems and issues even if you are not really directly involved. It is also a loving portrait small town life and how the social community functions.

Favorites from the past years:

2017

2016

2015
2014
2013
2012
2011

My 10 Favorite Comedy TV Series Episodes of 2018

Here is my annual rundown of my favorite episodes of the sitcoms/comedy programs I watched this year. Like in previous years for variety purposes I just chose one episode per show. 

(Check out my top 10 lists over the years: 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013,2012)

1.  The Middle Season 9, Episode 24 "One Heck of a Ride"

- The final episode of one of my all time favorite TV shows. It was perfect end to this simple but relatable show. The finale had a great final shot of just the Hecks in a car where there best scenes of the series usually occur. I will definitely not forget this show.

2. Young Sheldon Season 2, Episode 3 "A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens"

- Sheldon's mother Mary had a crisis of faith and Sheldon unlikely helps her restore it. This is such a sweet episodes that showcased that no matter what the difference of beliefs, love can unite us all.

3. Superstore Season 4 Episode 5 "Delivery Day"

- Dina and Amy goes to labor at the same day and the episode showcased in a funny yet enlightening way the importance of health insurance you get from work and how drastically different it is for the working class. 

4.  Will & Grace Season 10 Episode 4 "Who's Sorry Now" 

-  Grace reads an old letter from Will back in the day they were dating and how he was struggling to tell her who he really is. I've been enjoying this series' revival and I'm glad that in an episode like this they never forger the root for the duo's strong friendship

5. The Big Bang Theory Season 11 Episode 24 "The Bow Tie Symmetry" 

- Amy and Sheldon gets married! Such a fun episode and glad to see it didn't have the classic sitcom wedding hijinks because that would be predictable. Later on they released two scenes that didn't make the final cut and it's a pity because those scenes involve MeeMaw and the late Stephen Hawking

6. The Good Place Season 2 Episode 9 "Leap of Faith"

-  In this episode, Michael reveals to Eleonor and company that they are indeed in the bad place and just when you thought the story jumps the shark but nope it takes them to another level which is exciting. I'm constantly amazed how this could reboot itself and still not run out of creative ways to move the story forward.

7. Speechless Season 2 Episode 18 "N-o-Nominee"

-  JJ wins two awards at a film festival and discovers one chose him because of his disability. I'm impressed with how the show handles having the central character with special needs without the usual patronizing like a lot of shows do and this episode perfectly showcased it

8. Bob's Burgers Season 9 Episode 3 "Tweentreprenuers"

- The Belcher kids encounter a taste of "corporate life" for a school activity. This show is just so clever on how they presented the essence of corporate politics on an Elementary school setting. 

9. Mom Season 6 Episode 9 "Jell-O Shots and the Truth about Santa"

- After nearly two years of absence, Christy talks to her daughter Violet again but in a podcast! This episode is again another example of how the show masterfully balances comedy and it's more serious tone of the struggles of redemption.

10. Disenchantment Season 1 Episode 1 "A Princess, an Elf and a Demon Walk into a Bar"

- My favorite new show of the year is this animated comedy from Netflix, Disenchanted is not the fairy tale you expect s it shakes up the medieval fantasy genre with its brand of imaginative wit and sharp puns

My Hot 100 for 2018

My favorite songs of the year!

1. Maybe The Night - Ben & Ben
2. The Greatest Show - The Greatest Showman Ensemble
3. Buwan - Juan Karlos
4. High Hopes - Panic! at the Disco
5. Mundo - IV of Spades
6. Sana - I Belong to the Zoo
7. Never Enough - Loren Allred
8. Finesse (Remix) - Bruno Mars feat Cardi B
9. This Feeling - The Chainsmokers feat Kelsea Ballerini
10. Eastside - Benny Blanco, Halsey and Khalid
11. New Light - John Mayer
12. Isa Pang Araw - Sarah Geronimo
13. The Middle - Zed, Marren Morris and Grey
14. Akala - Marion
15. Solo - Clean Bandit feat Demi Lovato
16. Kung 'Di Rin Lang Ikaw  - December Avenue ft. Moira Dela Torre
17. This is Me - Kealla Settle 
18. Rewrite The Stars - Zac Efron & Zendaya
19. Kathang Isip - Ben & Ben
20. Done for Me - Charlie Puth feat Kehlani
21. Happier - Ed Sheeran
22. Sit Next to Me - Foster the People
23. Takipsilim - Autotelic
24. Sa Ngalan ng Pag ibig - December Avenue
25. Girls Like You - Maroon Five feat Cardi B
26. Hunger - Florence + The Machine
27. Have it All - Jason Mraz
28. Connection - One Republic
29. Cebuana - Karencitta
30. Kababata - Kritiko feat Kyla
31. Dura - Daddy Yankee
32. Say Amen (Saturday Night) - Panic! at the Disco
33. These Days - Rudimental feat Jess Glyne and Macklemore
34. Ako Muna - Yeng Constantino
35. Stay - All American Rejects
36. Di Na Muli - Itchyworms
37. Don't Go Breaking My Heart - Backstreet Boys
38. All The Stars - Kendrick Lamar feat SZA
39. A Million Dreams - The Greatest Showman cast
40. One Kiss - Calvin Harris feat Dua Lipa
41. Give Yourself a Try - 1975
42. Say Something - Justin Timberlake feat Chris Stapleton
43. Rise - Jonas Blue and Jack & Jack
44. Happy Now - Zedd and Elley 
45. Just My Type - The Vamps
46. Psycho - Post Malone  feat Ty Dolla Sign
47. I Like It  - Cardi B, Bad Bunny and J. Balvin
48. Pinipigil - Yeng Constantino
49. One Day - Logic feat Ryan Tedder
50. In My Prison - IV of Spades
51. Fix You and Me - Kyla
52. Kahit Ayaw Mo Na - This Band
53. Happy for You - Jayda
54. Side Effects - The Chainsmokers feat Emily Warren
55. In My Feelings - Drake
56. Boo'd Up - Ella Mai
57. Youngblood - 5 Seconds of Summer
58. No Tears Left to Cry - Ariana Grande
59. Happier - Bastille
60. Thru These Tears - LANY
61. Para sa Tabi - BoybandPH
62. Sa Mga Bituin na Lang Ibubulong - JM De Guzman
63. Love Someone - Lukas Graham
64. Di Ba Halata - Agsunta
65. Tagpuan - Moira
66. Taki Taki - DJ Snake feat Selena Gomez, Ozuna and Cardi B
67. IDGAF - Dua Lipa
68. No Excuses - Meghan Trainor
69. Capital Letters - Haille Steinfeld
70. Meant to Be - Bebe Rexha feat Florida George Line
71. Never Be The Same - Camila Cabello
72. I'll Be There - Jess Glyne
73. Shallow - Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga
74. Malibu Nights - LANY
75. If You Leave Me Now - Charlie Puth and Boyz II Men
76. Want You Back - 5 Seconds of Summer
77. No Apology (Wala Akong Paki) - Karencita
78. In My Blood - Shawn Mendes
79. Sangria Wine - Pharell Williams feat Camila Cabello
80. I'll Never Love Again - Lady Gaga 
81. Only Gonna Love You - Kyla feat Req
82. Whatever It Takes - Imagine Dragons
83. Mic Drop (Steve Aoki Remix) - BTS
84. Level Up - Ciara
85. Come on To Me - Paul McCartney
86. Di Na Muli - Janine Tenoso
87. Nadarang - Shanti Dope
88. Lake Effect Kid - Fallout Boy
89. 2002 - Anne Marie
90. Natural - Imagine Dragons
91. You Are the Reason - Callum Scott
92. Mas Mabuti Pa - Janine Berdin
93. Love Lies - Khalid and Normani
94. Lumang Tugtugin - Inigo Pascual
95. Tahimik - Yeng Constantino
96. Better Now - Post Malone
97. End Game - Taylor Swift feat Ed Sheeran and Future
98. Without Me - Halsey
99. Midnight Sky - Unique
100. Going Going Gone  Maddie Poppe

Past Lists:

My Hot 100 for 2017

My Hot 100 for 2016

My Hot 100 for 2015

My Hot 100 for 2014

 My Hot 100 for 2013

My Hot 100 for 2012 
My Hot 100 for 2011
My Hot 100 for 2010
My Hot 100 for 2009  
My Hot 100 for 2008
My Hot 100 for 2007

Cold Uncertain

There's a cold war from two people close to me and it all started from such a petty issue but harsh words were said (on text!) and now pride couldn't make them set their differences aside. It's affecting the people surrounding them. I want to make a move to patch things up but not working. It's hard to be in the middle of such conflict. It makes me so uncomfortable and what sucks is that literally the day after I had a good day that incident happened. I can't be fully happy. It seems like there are things always stopping me from feeling complete bliss. I can't win.
I've been praying so hard the two work their issue out. Please let them work this out. Let me have this at least

***
Another key part of my life will undergo another change. I'm very worried about it to be honest. Not only my status there but that place as whole. All the people I knew who took care of that place have left one by one and now who is there left to take care of things? I'm so worried that it's the start of the end. The place is actually so different. A shadow of its former glory but it is still thriving and I hope in years to come

So much changes happening

***

Moments ago I tried to do something to fix an issue but looks like it failed. I don't know if I can handle this anymore

Free

I have a dream where I can be free
Free from emotional drama
Free from being a shock absorber
Free of anxiety
Free of insecurity
Free of resentment
Free of guilt
Free of fear
But it's only a dream
Because life will never be totally free

Change

There's a big major change happening near me. Objectively it's a good thing but I can't stop myself from feeling certain discomfort and from there a lot of unwanted feelings like resentment pop out. But hey I chose this because it's a security blanket. But I know deep inside I want more than this. I'm afraid of failing  though. I fear the unknown. I wish I can be brave enough but as I grow old my anxiety over negative results just grows and grows.

Levels

I don't like how I easily get stressed lately. Such small and minor things will lead me to think of the worst case scenario. I need to manage my emotions. Need to be braver. Need to be the rock they need me to be. I need to stop whining. I need to stop panicking. Breathe in. Breathe out. It's not a big deal. Don't make a mountain out of mole hills. Just no.

Discomfort

This never ends. The same crap happens over and over again. I predicted this to happen. I wanted to speak out but I want to avoid drama because there's no point. All those bad energies creeping into me again. They are always in a bad mood. I hate it so much. Then this one makes a messy decision again and drags us all over again. Why do you keep on doing this? I'm so tired of being the person to mediate and the be the shock absorber. I have no choice. This is it and I have nowhere to go. Sometimes I wonder if anyone of you thinks how your actions and decisions affects other people big time. Probably not. The cycle continues. I daydream of being away from here but it's not gonna happen. I can't do it. I can't leave them behind. I can't try to do things on my own. I can't. I wish I didn't feel this way but it's a losing battle. This is what I have become. It's good thing I kept a good distance from anything else. There's no point to be something else, to do anything else, to be somewhere else because I know I will always go back here. To look over them. To try to pacify the situation. To make them feel better. To make them worry less. Be not a problem. Don't be a hassle. Other people are doing it already. No need to add to the chaos anymore. You can't afford to be selfish.
Oh Lord please grant me the strength and more patience because it's just so hard to be this way, to feel this way. I can't lose my guard down. Can't afford it/

Random Ramblings 9

Tomorrow is October and the start of the last quarter of the year.. Not gonna lie I'm so looking forward to the Christmas bonus. I really need extra money to buy new eyeglasses. My current eyeglasses has a broken frame and is just being held together by a paper clip. Yeah poor me! I wanted to buy for so long but keep putting it off because the type I want is expensive so I'm saving up money for it but something comes along that needs money so yeah I can't gather the funds to get what I want. Yeah one of those times I feel really bad I don't earn that much to afford stuff like it.

***
 Watched Exes Baggage and I really like it. I admit the added factor that it stars two actors of my generation helps a lot. I love the music. I have been singing the movie's theme song Maybe The Night by Ben & Ben for days already. Beautiful music. As for the story I felt like it was able to capture a real relationship by regular folks in this modern era. And the ending I love it! Not exactly new but the way they build the scene was glorious.

***
I filed a leave tomorrow simply because I have too many unused vacation leaves and might as well used one to take a rest and yes save money from transportation. All the stuff I'm working on has been well taken care off so I'm free to do it. I really have no plans tomorrow but stay at home and do nothing of importance.

***
I turned 31 this month and honestly unlike when I turned 29 and 30, I didn't freak out this time around. Yeah older again but I don't feel as bad anymore that I haven't accomplished any of my dreams before. I don't know maybe I just accepted things as they are and just make the most of what I have right now. Or I gave up dreaming altogether.

***
I've been trying to ignore political news whether online or real life interactions. This is really the worst era I've experienced. I just can't believe how things are right now. It's so frustrating.

***
I'm so uncomfortable with changes lately but I've been doing a good job not panicking that much this time although there are stray moments where I go paranoid but I don't dwell on it as much as possible.

***
I ended a long time activity because I felt the interest already subsided and it's just not the same anymore. I felt that I made the right call because things went as expected. It sucks to accept that hey it's not the same anymore.

***
The new season of the Serial podcast is fantastic narrative journalism. The chances of me being a journalist is very low right now but hey but my love for well-researched and produced journalism will never die. I can't be one but I can support one. My blood boils how this era journalism is being degraded by fake news propaganda.

***
I hate to admit but I do like being in my comfort zone. It frustrate me at times that growth is stunted but I do like not being overwhelmed by another type of stress  I can deal with this empty feeling than get stressed again. I could not lose the last stands of hair I have in my head to stress.

***
For practicality purposes, i can't quit social media for good but I've successfully avoided lingering on Facebook and Twitter unlike before where I spend so much time wasted browsing the feed and feel bad about my life or get annoyed reading obnoxious opinions. It's a step. Social media is just too toxic for me nowadays.

Random Ramblings 8

Today is a holiday and I went to work. BUT I ACTUALLY ENJOY IT. The commute is so breezy. No heavy traffic and everything is so fast. Ayala Makati is also so serene that I liked walking to the office. Inside the office there's few people as well and I quite like the calmness of it all. Now I kinda dread going to work tomorrow because the commute will be stressful again.  Anyway,. In two weeks 10 years na akong parte ng working class! My first two jobs I lasted less than 9 months COMBINED then my third (and current) 9 years na ako! One thing I can say eh yung "iba na kapag real world" na sinasabi nila nung nag aaral pa ako eh TOTOO NGA! Iba nga talaga! There are things that you will learn about yourself and life in general as you go along. Minsan iniisip mo hindi ka pa mature to handle this and that but I feel na you won't really notice that you are maturing as it happens and in hindsight na lang marerealize na nag iiba na perspective of that you handle matters differently now. Of course there are regrets along the way, i think part naman talaga yun ng buhay but you really need to try your best not to to dwell on it too much. There's still a long road ahead and it's imperative to get rid of thoughts that will just keep you from moving forward.

***

Absorbing so much stress lately. So far I'm still holding on. I'm praying though one potential source of another stressful time will not come to fruition. I know it will be such a mess so i really hope it won't happen. This thing that may or may not happen already occurred years ago and it was just a mess I don't know why people can't learn from it. I see the rationale behind the trying again but why is the planning not any better? Why are people are in a rush to do things their way without going to the proper channels. I wish I can speak out but it's not gonna work out because I'm in no position to do so. I really hope that things will turn out in my favor

The Rock

I recently watched this movie SIGNAL ROCK about a guy and his small remote island community. I was able to relate to the lead character in a way as he is the one who absorbs  all the stressful stuff thrown at him. I'm not as strong and as skilled as him though. I'm so limited in a lot of ways but for some reason I have become some sort of shock absorber. I can not fall apart but I wish I could do something more. Financially of course.I'm stable but I wish had more disposable income. Life is harder today to be honest. Luckily I am still able to save some money but I wish I could save more. I've recently appealed for a salary increase which hopefully works out. I really need it. I thought of getting an SSS loan but you see I'm reserving that when there's really a big need. All I need now is better cash flow monthly and one time loan won't improve things.

As I type another stressful stuff is going on and the source if it all is just a small incident. It's actually not that a big of an issue but alas mood swings. You really have be so strong or maybe frigid to take it all in without breaking apart. I remember in December a small incident created such big chaos and it all started because I opened my mouth instead of just staying quiet or diverting the issue. I remember how emotionally damaging that day was. Of course in the end I've set my pride aside and did the move to make it all okay. And in the end all is okay as it often does when emotions are no longer high.  That moment taught me that it's not really worth it to fight back sometimes. I'm too weak and yeah a pushover. Just be quiet or talk minimally. Ignore since it will pass anyway. No need to let myself go through such an emotional torture for small things that could be ignored or not treat as a big deal. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore for less stressful existence.

Wall

I have a wall. I have a space left for myself. I don't let people come near it. I think it's for the better. I'm not totally alienated but I always keep a safe distance. I don't want to be too close for comfort. I'm an introvert but functions good enough socially to survive. Even during moments I let my guard down it's not 100%. This blog's recent posts are somewhat giving a glimpse of some of things that's inside the wall. That's why I keep this blog updated. This is where I let myself out in the open, where I say things I can't tell anyone directly. Although I know at this point there's few legit people reading this anymore. Maybe an old acquaintance or someone googles me discover this blog. Hi there. This is me. Don't get freaked out. I'm just full on angst and anxiety. I'm trying to work things out. Hoping and praying that one day I can be that man I wish could be. For now, i'm far from it. It's frustrating me a lot. Nearly everyday. There are things I'm trying to work on myself. I wish I could look back one day and read this post and smile because I was able to overcome this and be in a better place.

So blogspot don't die. I want to be able to keep these memories online for years to come. It's a piece of me out there in the world.

Resisting Resentment

It's nearly an everyday struggle for me these  days to resist being resentful. I feel like I wasted so much time in my life. I missed out on possible opportunities. The feeling is something I try to escape from but it willl always find its way back to my mind. I distract myself. Focus on work. Listen to music and podcast. Watch TV. I need to keep my mind preoccupied because if I don't (like in  this moment as I type this) the resentments are attacking me at every corner. Yesterday was generally a good day, finally resolved a long time issue that actually quite inspired me to make a few more steps to do a thing I've been wanting to do for so long. However today I was reminded again why I couldn't do it in the past and why I stilll couldn't do it. There's a valid reason why I can't and there's no way I wouldn't choose it as my #1 priority. But then this thing I've been wanting so long is delayed for a decade already and I feel like time running out for that thing to happen, the window of opportunity lessens as days go by.
Maybe I should just accept that thing was possibly not meant for me. Maybe I should so I can start the process of moving on.

Random Ramblings 7

I have three former classmates who got married recently. And as expected it triggered something inside of me. While browsing at their photos all I can think is that I could never afford this. Huh! Oh well I don't know. Okay I admit I feel a little envious they are entering that stage of their lives.  I admit since I was a teen  I felt like I will still end up like this at this age, I think even blogged about it here. But of course deep in my heart I wished I was wrong. But oh well things happened as I've always predicted it would be. It sucks but that's life. Not really sure if that is something that could still happen in the future. But I have so many unfulfilled matters that to be honest that's the least of things I care about. But still I'm human and feels this kind of things when reminded of. It will pass like it always do but right at this moment writing about what I'm feeling helps me cope with the frustration. 

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I also recently found out one of my college professors migrated to Canada. I felt sad I was not able to see her before she left. She's one of my favorite professor because she was also part of my student journalist life and gave me all the support I needed especially during tough times. It also made me sad that she had to migrate so she can provide a better future for her family. It's totally understandable especially with the current political climate. To be honest I also thought about it. Moving to another country and start a new life. But I can't do it. I know I can't.  But you know what I never thought I would someday even entertain the thought of leaving the country. 

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I saw on social media that HF announced their Team 33 Editorial Board. It has been that long. I was part of Teams 20-22. Anyway, for some reason I had to urge to post congratulations to the exiting EIC and "words of wisdom" to the incoming EIC.  Those kids probably got weirded out that on old editor randomly commented. Thinking about it is kinda embarrassing because they don't know me and never met me!  I guess I just love my HF experience so much that I still try to stay connected with it somehow over a decade later but I should probably let it go and stop reliving that moment when I felt like I had the biggest achievement of my life because I admit my editorial stint was a disappointment. 

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July 1 marks my 9th year here at my job. I will definitely go for 10 years now that I have gone this far. I'm grateful that I have a stable job where I get to do something I like. I even survived the stressful years where our salaries were delayed for a year and I thought the company would close down. I experienced a lot in those 9 years. I treat a lot of the people I worked with as family.  But I'm sad that deep inside I still feel such a disappointment and that I sometimes I regret pursuing a job that I like than a job that's more financially rewarding. That feeling has been lingering inside of me for a long time already and despite my best efforts shoving it down it just won't die. 

Vulnerable

 I'm 30 for crying out loud but I feel so inadequate. My life right now is on a loop but I hate to admit that I like the safe blanket I have right now. But I know something is lurking or the future is shaky if  I don't do something drastic. I worry a lot, I need to be ready but I can't make the first step. I second guess myself all the time. This is what frustrating me the most because the problem is me. I'm just so afraid of taking a risk. I really want to be selfish and do something that will only benefit me but I always think about them. They need me. I need them too. I hate to admit that I feel like I can't handle bigger adult problems. My confidence is at an all time low right now.

Stunted

I've been trying my best not to think about personal issues lately and I've been mostly successful as I focused more on work and other personal interests. But the previous day was rough it as if  life said to me "oh you think you can escape? Nope". But I think it's fine. Keeps me grounded. Keeps me from slacking off. Insecurity is such a nasty enemy that is so hard to defeat. But you just need to fight if off the best way that you can. I believe that acknowledging what you are truly feeling is a good step.
But for now, can I just wallow for  awhile? I'll get over this but for now I just want to put into words the feeling I have now. I'm drowning with "I'm a loser" thoughts right now. A few hours ago, I was folding our family's laundry which I usually do every Friday night.  The humid weather did  not help me as I just got more irritable and had these "poor me" thoughts. The thing is lately I've been witnessing friends entering new phases in their lives: Getting married. A baby on the way. A new job. Advancing in career. And where I am? Here perspiring like a mad man folding laundry. The truth of the matter this choice I made in my life is something I really don't hate or even regret lately.  I feel like I was really meant to be in this spot at this time. But damn I can't help but think of WHAT IF scenarios.

Drive

I want to learn to drive. I'm the only man in the family aside from my 9 year old nephew who doesn't know how to. No one ever encouraged me to do or even asked about it. I guess they know my fear. I want to learn but I'm afraid to drive. I'm a clumsy person. I'm afraid  of getting into an accident. Or worst run over a person. I know I'm so paranoid. But I just can't shake off the feeling

I know to get this over with. I have so many deficiencies in life and a lot of this is my fault because I let feat take over my life. I'm posting this so I can finally admit this fear in my life. I hope this is a first step.

I'm so behind a lot of things in life. There need to be changes. There must be

You

You always try your best not to blame anyone but sometimes you just couldn't handle it anymore. You keep on thinking, if you did not let it happen, it wouldn't turn out to be this way. If you didn't let your paranoia creep into other people, maybe those people won't grow up being so.damned.afraid.of.doing.certain.things.. 

Of course you acknowledge that for things not to happen to you, you need to fight back the forces that brings you down or keeps you stagnant. You were simply not brave to test the waters and go against the grain. You choose to stay in the comfort zone to avoid stress, to avoid dealing with backlash, to avoid the possibility of failure. Instead of  thinking "what if it works", you automatically think "what if it doesn't" and bury your thoughts to the worst.case.scenario. 

 You let fear beat you to the punch until you realize one day time is running out. Or maybe it already ran out. You are not sure if there's still time. You are not sure where are you going to end up anymore. What's worse you keep on comparing yourself to others and see how you are so behind with everything. You try not to think about it anymore. Focus your attention to something else. Focus to what matters to you right now but then there always things, instance, people that will keep  reminding you of the shitty feelings you are trying to bury into oblivion.

You acknowledge that self loathing, whining and complaining will not help you get anywhere. But you just need to let it out because everything is all bottled up. You are second guessing yourself all the time. You like giving advice to other people when you yourself have so many issues to deal with. You hate looking yourself in the mirror. You look like crap. But you know that goes beyond the physical but your reflection speaks so much of what you have become. 

You hate that you are a cliche. You hate that you actually fell into a stereotype. But you are okay with living in mediocrity because  it's still not the worst case scenario, Sometimes you wish you didn't take a leap of faith before because in hindsight you didn't really have what it takes to be that person you thought you could be. You should have chosen the safer road.because you just set yourself up with disappointment by following what you think is closer to your heart. You now think you made a bad call despite that path gave you one of the best memories of your life. 

You continue to daydream yet you don't want to aspire anymore. You just want yourself to be completely OK with the present. Yet you still couldn't shake off the feeling but maybe things will still turn around. You pray so hard that this isn't i. You can't help but still hope maybe this is just a roadblock that you will look back in the future and smile because you have survived and beat your worst enemy - you. 

Random Ramblings 6

I tried to sleep earlier but I couldn't do so. Instead, my mind was preoccupied of things that bother me. Both shallow stuff and real life issues. Maybe because it's Holy Week and I'm in a contemplative mood. I dunno maybe it's just typical me.

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It's Holy Week and a lot has changed. When we were going to church yesterday we've noticed almost every fast food and grocery stores are open to business! Back in the day, there's hardly any business open and the atmosphere is quiet but now it feels like just a normal day. Back in the pre-Internet days as well, there's hardly any "entertainment" because the TV and radio stations go dark or have religious themed programming. Now it's just different. I admit I do like some of things we experience right now but I can't help but miss the simpler times. 

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On the 10th anniversary of my college graduation, I resisted the urge to post something commemorating it on social media. I know that post will lead me to a road I don't want to go. Even if I try to mask it with positivism I know it wont sound true and I'm just kidding myself because I will wallow in self pity and make things bigger deal than it really is. I was successful in "ignoring" it on social media. No post whatsoever but not gonna lie on that day (heck days leading to that) I would have random thoughts about it. I even made the mistake of reading old blog posts 10 years ago and I was reminded me of one error I committed on my campus journalist days which until now still haunts me of how I was such a weakling back then which was probably was a sign how I will fare in the real world I guess. I hope someday I won't feel this way anymore. I don't like feeling like such a big loser in life.

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My nanay is taking new medicines and we observed that she has been so moody and very impatient. I won't deny it's frustrating and draining. However, when she acts out I always think of the worst case scenario to put me in perspective and make me appreciate what I have now. "Others have it worst" I always say that to myself so I won't let my frustration beat me. It's really tough but you do what you have to do. 

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We watched the local movie SEVEN SUNDAYS on TV earlier, I found myself relating to one character. It's a family (light) drama and it strikes a chord. It also made me wish some things about my present that I wish went on a different route. Overall I enjoyed the movie.