Labor Day.

 Today is Labor Day in the Philippines and the government allowed the controversial Chinese POGO companies to operate. Supposedly, in the government's Enhanced Community Quarantine guidelines gambling operations are not allowed but they conveniently classified them as BPO (Business Process Outsourcing) just now. I will be blunt but I really don't like POGOs operating in the country because the business itself is shady because online gambling is not allowed in their home country China and yet we allow them here. There are also reports they don't pay taxes and have been linked with crimes such as human trafficking, kidnapping and prostitution. It really infuriates me that they have been allowed to go back to work while most of us can't which is actually the right thing to do because it's simply not safe yet to do so as we still have more than 200 reported confirmed new cases a day. Why allow them? Quick scan of the news and you will see multiple stories of people who lost their jobs/source of income due to the crisis. So many people hoping they will get the "ayuda" (government aid). There's so much pain and hardship right now. And you hear news like this where an inessential and questionable industry in a pandemic is allowed to operate and go back to business as usual. It's so unfair.

Stress Zone

So I survived the grocery and medicine purchase run today. With the confusing Cavite total lockdown May 1 announcement by the governor (which to be fair he later apologized on social media for bringing confusion) and the first confirmed case here in our barangay, it was really a stressful morning. I spent 2 hours lining up to a big grocery store BUT I was not allowed to enter because our quarantine pass has no address indicated. It's not our fault because that was issued by the barangay but the grocery security is now demanding certification from the barangay office where we live because they are banning the zone where the first confirmed case is living. I was so pissed but I just left because no energy to argue. Good thing the medicine purchase over at Mercury Drug was smooth sailing because I was buying on behalf of my senior citizen parents so there's a special lane. I was also able to buy some stuff there too because that branch also has a mini grocery. From then on I went from various stores in the nearby market area to buy some of the items in the grocery list then I went to other convenience stores to buy what I can't find there. It was such a hassle (especially in this heat!) but glad I was still able to buy most of what is needed in the list. We passed by the zone where the first confirmed case is living and they are on total lockdown, no one could absolutely leave for 14 days. But I feel there would be adjustments because how could people buy supplies and food? They set up their zone leaders and some counselors to help out to buy on behalf of them but can they sustain that? Hard to believe. 

When I got home I took a bath as soon as I can because it's so hot right now and paranoia as well because it's a different game now that we have a confirmed case here in our barangay. The threat is so near. Really praying hard this is an isolated case.  Praying our subdivision won't have a confirmed case ever. Or for that matter this whole barangay won't have another case anymore! I can't help but feel anxious. Also praying for the person who got infected and his/her family. Hopefully, there will be support but with the total lockdown of that area, I'm afraid they are at risk to be at the receiving end of stressed-out people. Maybe unavoidable as it is scary but I hope the neighbors won't vent their frustration out to the family. The barangay captain dispelled a fake news circulating on Facebook *where else?* that the person already died and was secretly buried in the nearby cemetery. So annoying because people are so gullible. I only get updates from the official local government pages, I don't join FB groups and group chats on messenger. So much rumors and fear mongering there. And worst, people  with toxic personalities are all over.

This crisis is just testing everyone's limits. Please let this be over soon. 

Crap!

So today it was confirmed that someone in our barangay is COVID19 positive. I can't believe that nasty virus reached here. And what a timing because on May 1 Cavite will undergo a stricter quarantine, sort of total lockdown and I was going to buy groceries and my parents' medicines tomorrow in preparation for the 2-week of lockdown.
 It will be HELL tomorrow.

I'm sure there will be panic buying and also paranoia because the virus has now reached us. I'm scared to go out tomorrow but I have no choice but to do it. Oh God please protect me tomorrow that I won't be able to get that nasty virus. I'm so stressed right now.

At Wits' End

The lockdown has once again been extended from April 30 to May 15. I understand the need to do so and at least some areas in the country will not be part of it although it will still have quarantine measures but at least that is some semblance of good news in the midst of a stress-filled era. Honestly, I'm so uncomfortable with the tone of putting the blame to ordinary people "pasaway!". I do understand and get there are stubborn people that needs to take this seriously but there's just a lack of empathy these days. I'm tired of political conflict, how people are encouraged to pick sides. Blame game is so rampant. Treating each other as enemy. We need more understanding of the plight of the people now. Everybody is stressed. Everybody is so worried. The last thing we need is this type of mindset. But I don't know anymore. I feel so disillusioned right now. I still can't believe that this is happening. We are not equipped to handle this matter but I feel so worried that this is being handled the wrong way, so much fear and suspicions. I long for the day that I will have peace of mind. I'm tired of being terrified. 

Temporary Normal

Supposedly, the lockdown will end April 30. But signs are pointing to another extension. Logically, I understand as the new reported cases are still 200 plus everyday. I do believe we can really get back to what we use to call normal  but just not yet.  However, I constantly think about the economy I'm just so scared of the aftermath. Personally, our company was still able to give us salaries but for how long can they sustain us? I worry about that nearly everyday.

I worry for other people too. The small businesses like barber shops, can they survive this? The small vendors not selling essential goods. How can they survive this? The social amelioration won't be enough and it's already causing a lot of people to get angry already. The early promise of the labor department to help companies by giving a 5K aid to employees still not felt because as expected they got overwhelmed and can't help everyone. This is what I feel so troubled about, I don't want our fates to be reliant on the government. That's why I really want people to be able to go back to work. But the risk is just there and can't be denied. It's a lose-lose situation.

Earlier, I went to buy maintenance medicines for my mother and for the first time since I've been doing this for her, two of her medicines are out of stock. This has never happened before. Demand is high so getting the supplies is harder than ever. Going to the grocery is a nightmare now. I try to check out the smaller convenience stores but they barely have anything on stock these days.  Some of the items are also more expensive than ever now.

My nephew was supposed to graduate elementary last March 31 but everything's on hold now. He seems like he doesn't care when I asked him if he misses school though. He's constantly entertained with Minecraft and YouTube. He also even likes the reruns of May Bukas Pa and Wansapanataym these days too. Good for him though, it's better for a kid to still enjoy life. Let the adults do the worrying.

I was able to pay our electricity bill online, a first! I had to convince my parents that this is legit even without a paper receipt, I had to show them the 0.00 balance on my laptop screen to ease their worries. For water, well that will really have to wait because it's a local company and no way to pay online. They did assure no penalties and continous supply so that's fine.

I recently saw this video about an uncrowded Metro Manila in this quarantine era. seeing the parts around Makati made me emotional. My father worked here for 30 years so I'm already familiar with the area  before I even started working. Nearly 12 years of employment, my current and past jobs, were all located in Makati. This is the longest time since I started working that I haven't been in Makati. I miss walking the streets, the overpass and underpass, the random people asking me for directions etc. I miss even the traffic who would have thought? I just miss the normality of everyday life. I can't wait to go back and resume our lives. I really hope it's coming very soon .

Earlier I felt so anxious again and to fight it off. I took an afternoon nap. It didn't magically delete my worries away but at least for a few hours I had peace of mind.

Life On Hold

We are going 4 weeks under Enhanced Community Quarantine which is really just a sugarcoated term for lockdown. The original end date, April 12, is nearing but we all know it will be extended as COVID-19 cases continue to rise. It's just not safe to have the masses go out in public as the danger is still there. I won't deny this situation has given me so much anxiety. But as always I try too look things on the brighter side. For one, no one in my family is suffering from this virus and by the grace of God NO ONE WILL. It's almost a month since I was last in the office. I still continue to do work at home, I supervise a cable channel and up until this week I was able to schedule new episodes but except for one show, I have run out of new episodes to air so we will go on replays starting tomorrow. What my initial plan way back in February was to be able to submit a month advance worth of episodes in preparation for the Holy Week break but of course that is a distant memory now. To be honest, I'm afraid if our company can survive this crisis. Will I still have a job to go back to once the virus had been contained and we can go out in the public now? I know MILLIONS of people worldwide is worrying about the same matter. The fear of virus at the present is at its peak but the fear with what lies ahead in the future lingers around. I've blogged many times here how I feel discontented with how much I earn in my job and how I feel I've been left behind career-wise by  lot of my peers. But now I miss having those worries ONLY. I can deal with that but this anxiety brought upon by this pandemic is on another level mainly because everything is up in the air. We don't know when will this end and what a post-COVID19 world be.
Today is Palm Sunday and the first in my lifetime to not have the usual mass. It feels so strange to not do the usual things anymore. Not a day pass by without me thinking of this crisis and how it is shaping the future of the world. I'm very, very worried. So help us God.

Pandemic worries

Now COVID-19 / coronavirus crisis is at the peak.
Classes cancelled
Work cancelled
Malls closed
Luzon lockdown
Shows stopped production
So many worries online

I'm asthmatic so I'm vulnerable. My parents are over 60 and they are vulnerable

I'm so anxious lately. I miss the ordinary life of going to work and only dealing with traffic to stress me out. The uncertainty of it all is making me so nervous about the future. I took an afternoon nap today so I can keep myself from constantly checking the news. I tried watching entertainment stuff TV or movie and doing more household chores but I just can't keep my mind off things really

I now regret whining about trivial stuff and personal angst/insecurities now that a bigger than life problem is affecting us worldwide.

I desperately want to go back to the old life

Bothered

I feel so uneasy about how the world operates now. How perception is easily manipulated. Culturally, I feel that even if there are new and more convenient ways to communicate now, it becomes more dangerous. I'm rattled by the fact that people can set aside basic human decency and principles, just not to be proven wrong. Just not to be on a losing side. I'm so disappointed with the way people behave now. So irresponsible. So careless. Critical thinking is dying now. People cherrypick the information content they want to consume. Heck, even a clickbait title is enough for them to believe without reading a damn word. As long as it validates what they are feeling it must be true because this is what they have been suspicious about.

Fifteen

Hey! After I posted that angst-filled entry awhile ago I realized that TODAY is the 15th anniversary of my blog. My first post was full of angst, worries and fear. It's surreal to me that 17 year old me and 32 year old me feels basically the same but just on another spectrum. Different fears but same anxiety.

For what it's worth this blog is therapeutic to me. This is how I deal with overwhelming emotions. Shouting out to the void. It's the equivalent of literal screams. It helps me process my emotions and keeps me in check

So thank you FORG FILES. This blog had been through a lot but 'm happy you are still here with me in my life journey. Don't give up on Blogger, Google! Let us have this space.

Less

Today was another reminder how I lack a lot of life skills needed to be a legit adult and basically I'm useless.

Today was also a reminder how some of things I devoted time and effort to ended up pointless in the long run.

 Today I was a reminded how careless I've been in the past and how I'm suffering the consequences of those actions

 Today life reminded me that I needed to be fearless in order for me to achieve what I've been dreaming of.

 Today I feel so helpless.

What a start

Last day of January 2020 but the events that have unfolded already felt like it's been a year! So many things have happened from earthquakes, wildfires and recently a volcano eruption and a deadly virus!

It does feel scary to think about it but one needs to relax because panicking and going paranoid won't take you anywhere really. The Taal volcano eruption hit close to home but Thank God we didn't experience that much save for ashfall. My heart broke for all those people affected and glad a lot of them are finally on the road to recovery as the alert level have been lowered now allowing them to return to their homes. And now after that problem had been showing some signs of positivity then this coronavirus is becoming an alarming problem now. It's so weird to see a lot of people in the streets wearing face masks. I hope to God no one from my loved ones will get affected from this. It is scary but we need to calm down and hope for the best. The only thing we can do now is to do precautionary measures. 

Bye 2010s

Another decade has passed!

 The 2010s have been defined as me a working adult, facing life's challenges. Growing up and maturing. Realizing of the things I've missed out, missed expectations on life goals, general disappoinments! The latter half of this decade have been quite frustrating as shown on this blog! I started decade having this blog as a repository of pop culture interests and eventually became the place where I scream all my angst in life! But it has been very helpful at least.
 It freaks me out that I'm 32, a full-pledged adult. I sometimes I don't feel like one, sometimes I do. It has been a generally OK year to year if I'll be honest. A lot of challenges. Thankfully, I surpassed all of them. The latter half of the decade I truly felt how time is changing and saying goodbye to the ones that became a part of my life. Look back sometimes but always move forward,

2020s bring it on!

My 10 Favorite Movies of 2019

Another year of seeing fewer movies than I want to. Movies are just expensive! Anyway, my top 10 is again limited to what I just saw and it's really a slim selection😂


1. Quezon's Game

It's a fascinating look of a part of our history that seems have been forgotten. I never knew about this story until I've seen this film. This is a low budget but you won't feel, they maximized their resources to the full effect. Truly excellent.

2. Parasite
Thrilling with a great message of about inequality. Best seen with out any knowledge about it for full maximum surprise effect!

3. Toy Story 4

They did it again! Pixar once again formed a story with these lovable toys that resembles the journey of a real person in life. The theme about moving on to the next chapter of your life is someone will strongly feel connected to.

4. Edward
This film tells a whimsical story of a coming-of-age of a young teen boy in the midst of the seriously depressing world of public hospitals in the country. It has its whimsical charm despite the tragic stetting the character lives on. Very affecting film.

5. Alone/Together
I totally loved Tin's character journey here and how her idealism in her youth was crushed upon entering the real world. The circumstances leading to that felt a little contrived but the film totally got the feeling of disillusionment a young adult feels upon facing that being idealistic is so hard

6. Marriage Story 

This film perfectly captured how a strained relationship feels like and the conflict of doing what you heart desires vs what is practical. Excellent script and acting

7. Frozen II

A worthy follow up to the 2013 classic. While I feel the main storyline needed tightening, the powerful songs in the third act more than makes up for it. Show Yourself sequence alone is worth the ticket admission

8. Aladdin
This is so much better than initial promo suggested. I felt the production designed needed more oomph but this was such a fun remake. Will Smith's Friend Like Me is fantastic and A Whole New World still gave me goose bumps! The new song Speechless is simply divine as the re-imagining of Princess Jasmine in this live-adaptation works well

9. How to Train Your Dragon: Hidden World

The villain was a little weak but still the conclusion to this series ended on a perfect way as we see Hiccup and Toothless face the future as they follow their journey. Emotional finish but well-earned.

10. Hello, Love, Goodbye

A poignant look of the life of an OFW and how the idea of relationships in a temporary world could work (or not). I especially like how it ended, that sometimes you have to choose yourself and your dreams.

Favorites from the past years:

2018

2017

2016

2015
2014
2013
2012
2011

My 10 Favorite Comedy TV Series Episodes of 2019

Here is my annual rundown of my favorite episodes of the sitcoms/comedy programs I watched this year. Like in previous years for variety purposes I just chose one episode per show. Check out my top 10 lists over the years:  2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013,2012

1. Speechless Season 3, Episode 22 "U-n-r-Unrealistic"
The de-facto series finale of this wonderful sweet show had heartwarming showcase of the human spirit. Sometimes all you need is to believe that even the unrealistic could be conquered.

2. The Conners Season 2, Episode 7 "Slappy Holidays"
This episode had the perfect balance of capturing real life tension between family members without losing its comedy side. The confronation between Darlene and Jackie is such a TV moment that left me gasping. It felt so real.

3. Fleabag Season 2, Episode 6
I jumped the bandwagon with this show's insane hype this year and it lived up to it. The (series) finale totally embodies why this show captured the hearts of many people, a comedic take of things not going your way but hey life goes on. Fleabag represented a lot of us with a messy side but hopeful of the life ahead.

4. Young Sheldon Season 3, Episode 5 "A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship"
This episode left a mark on me because of a seemingly stray comment made by supporting character Dr. Sturgis referring to himself as "damaged goods". It's self-depreciating made with so much earnestness and touch of heartbreak. This show is underrated because it's such a good and heartfelt coming of age sitcom a kid with peculiar mindset.

5. Superstore Season 4, Episode 22 "Employee Appreciation Day"
This episode was thrilling, funny with a shocking end. The race to hide Mateo was so expertly executed and the final scenes will leave you in shock. I also appreciate how the show portrays the life of a regular worker and the complicated corporate world.

6. The Big Bang Theory Season 12, Episode 24 "Stockholm Syndrome"
The series finale of this 12-year old series was so sweet and true to itself. Ending it with Sheldon's speech appreciating his friends for all the years they have loved and cared for him in their special ways.

7. The Good Place Season 3, Episode 11 "The Book of Doughs"
I love how this dug deep into a person's character, that doing what's wrong and right is not all the time sometime you can judge in black and white. There's always a grey because life is so complicated

8. Mom Season 7, Episode 10 "Higgledy-Piggledy and a Cat Show"
The show rarely does holiday-themed episodes unlike other sitcoms so the fact that they made one this year piqued my interest quickly. This episode knocked it out of the park! Funny, heartbreaking and heartwarming. It was also good to see how far Bonnie and Christy have come.

9. Bob's Burgers Season 10 Episode 5, "Legends of the Mall"
This wonderful animated family comedy is always and the current season is an embarassment of riches. I ultimately picked this episode because of the subplot of Bob finding it hard to buy pants on his own. The episode also captured the charm of a mall to a kid which I could relate to a lot.

10. Kim's Convenience Season 3 Episode 8, "To Him It May Concern"
This sitcom I just discovered this year on Netflix and binged all three seasons. Of the episodes that their aired this year, I picked this one because it's funny but insightful look of the life of a migrant through the use of their adopted language "English". It shows that even if years have passed living in a foreign land, there are moments when you realized you are still an outsider and it's okay.

My Hot 100 of the 2010s (2010-2019)

1. Dati - Sam Concepcion and Tippy Dos Santos feat Quest (2013)
2. Just The Way You Are - Bruno Mars (2010)
3. Closer - The Chainsmokers feat Halsey  (2016)
4. Rolling in the Deep - Adele (2011)
5. Maybe The Night - Ben & Ben (2018)
6. Perfect - Ed Sheeran (2017)
7. Lost Stars – Adam Levine (2014)
8. Somebody That I Used to Know - Gotye feat Kimbra (2012)
9. Shut Up and Dance - Walk The Moon (2015)
10.  Lover - Taylor Swift (2019)

11. Moves Like Jagger - Maroon Five feat Christina Aguilera (2011)
12. Buwan - Juan Karlos (2018)
13. Uptown Funk - Marc Ronson feat Bruno Mars (2015)
14. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry (2010)
15. Some Nights - fun.   (2012)
16. Thinking Out Loud – Ed Sheeran (2014)
17. Remember Me - Coco cast (2017)
18. Versace on the Floor - Bruno Mars (2016)
19. Ikot Ikot - Sarah Geronimo (2013)
20.  Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi (2019)

21. Walang Natira - Gloc 9 feat Sheng Belmonte (2011)
22. Just Give Me a Reason - Pink feat Nate Ruess (2013)
23. Love The Way You Lie - Eminem feat Rihanna (2010)
24. Secret Love Song - Little Mix feat Jason DeRulo (2016)
25. Dahil Sa'Yo - Inigo Pascual (2017) 
26. All of Me – John Legend (2014)
27. Gangnam Style – PSY (2012)
28. Pumped Up Kicks - Foster The People (2011)
29. Mundo - IV of Spades (2018)
30.  Cake By The Ocean - DNCE (2015)

31. Hello - Adele (2015)
32. Shape of You - Ed Sheeran (2017)
33. Hey, Soul Sister - Train (2010)
34. Rude – MAGIC!  (2014)
35. Falling In - Lifehouse (2011)
36. Let It Go - Idina Menzel (2013)
37. When We We're Young - Adele  (2015)
38. Sila - Sud (2016)
39. The Greatest Show - The Greatest Showman Ensemble (2018)
40.  Tala - Sarah Geronimo (2016)

41. Shake It Out - Florence + The Machine (2012)
42. Sana - I Belong to the Zoo (2018)
43.Say You Won't Let Go - James Arthur (2016)
44. Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen  (2012)
45. Stay With Me – Sam Smith (2014)
46. That's What I Like - Bruno Mars (2017)
47. Love Yourself - Justin Bieber (2015)
48.  Mahal Ko o Mahal Ako – KZ Tandingan (2014)
49. Clarity - Zedd feat Foxes (2013)
50.  Kung 'Di Rin Lang Ikaw  - December Avenue feat. Moira Dela Torre (2018)

51. Triangulo - Thyro & Yumi feat Jeric Medina (2015)
52. Kilometro – Sarah Geronimo (2014)
53. Never Enough - Loren Allred (2018)
54. Someone Like You - Adele (2011)
55.  Love Me Like You Do- Ellie Goulding (2015)
56. Hangover - Sugarfree (2010)
57. It's Time - Imagine Dragons (2012)
58.  Di Lang Ikaw - Juris (2010)
59. Counting Stars - One Republic (2013)
60. Sa’yo – Silent Sanctuary (2014)

61. Shake It Off – Taylor Swift (2014)
62. Airplanes - B.o.B feat Hayley Williams (2010)
63. Payphone - Maroon Five feat Wiz Khalifa (2012)
64. Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots (2016)
65. Bang Bang - Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj and Jessie J (2014)
66. Royals - Lorde (2013)
67. High Hopes - Panic! at the Disco (2018)
68. Ikaw – Yeng Constantino (2014)
69.  In The Name of  Love - Martin Garrix feat Bebe Rexha  (2016)
70. Thunder - Imagine Dragons (2017)

71, Sugar - Maroon Five (2015)
72. Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke feat Pharell & T.I (2013
73. Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO feat. Lauren Bennett and GoonRock (2011)
74. She's So Mean - Matchbox Twenty (2012)
75. Sidekick - Dawin (2017)
76, Rumour Has It - Adele (2011)
77. Pyramid - Charice feat Iyaz (2010)
78. Happy- Pharell Williams (2013)
79. Hotline Bling - Drake (2015)
80. Price Tag - Jessie J feat B.o.B (2011)

81. Buko - Jireh Lim (2013)
82. She's Kinda Hot - 5 Seconds of Summer (2015)
83. Love Runs Out – One Republic (2014)
84. Between the Raindrops - Lifehouse feat Natasha Bedingfield (2012)
85. Circles - Post Malone (2019)
86. Nothing - The Script (2010)
87. Mirrors - Justin Timberlake (2013)
88. Pagtingin - Ben & Ben (2019)
89. It Will Rain - Bruno Mars (2011)
90. Girls - 1975 (2014)

91. 20 / 20 - Pupil (2011)
92. Bad Guy - Billie Eilish (2019)
93. Hurricane - Lifehouse (2015)
94. Kahit Ayaw Mo Na - This Band (2018)
95. Rhythm of Love - Plain White Ts (2010)
96.  If You Ever Change Your Mind - Marion Aunor (2013)
97. Where My Love Goes - Lawson (2016)
98. I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz (2012)
99. Heavy - Linkin Park feat Kiarra (2017)
100. Somebody To You – The Vamps feat Demi Lovato (2014)

My Hot 100 for 2019

My favorite songs of the year!

1. Lover - Taylor Swift
2. Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi
3. Circles - Post Malone
4. Pagtingin - Ben & Ben
5. Bad Guy - Billie Eilish
6. Hindi na Nga - This Band
7. Ikaw at Linggo - Eamarie Gilayo
8. I Love It - Rob Thomas
9. Speechless - Naomi Scott
10. Blow - Ed Sheeran feat Bruno Mars & Chris Stapleton

11. Bulong - December Avenue
12. ME! - Taylor Swift feat Brendon Urie
13. Walk Me Home - Pink
14. Sunflower - Post Malone & Swae Lee
15. Here With Me - Marshmello feat CHVRCHES
16. Raise Your Flag - KZ Tandingan feat Kritiko
17. Truth Hurts - Lizzo
18. Balang Araw - I Belong to the Zoo
19. Dulo ng Hangganan - IV of Spades
20. Kahit Na Anong Sabihin ng Iba - Unit 406

21. Wow - Post Malone
22. I Don't Care - Ed Sheeran feat Justin Bieber
23. Memories - Maroon Five
24. Dancing with the Stranger - Sam Smith feat Normani
25. Goodbyes - Post Malone feat Young Thug
26. Ex - Callalily feat Yeng Constantino
27. Beautiful People - Ed Sheeran feat Khalid
28. Di Ba Halata - Agsunta
29. I'm So Tired - Lauv & Troye Sivan
30. Call You Mine - The Chainsmokers feat Bebe Rexha

31. Please Me - Cardi B & Bruno Mars
32. Timebomb - Walk The Moon
33. Talk - Khalid
34. A Whole New World - Mena Massoud and Naomi Scott
35. Di Na Babalik - This Band
36. Patawad, Paalam - Moira De La Torre and I Belong to the Zoo
37. Nagbabalik - Rico Blanco and IV of Spades
38. Ikaw at Ako - Moira Dela Torre & Jason Marvin
39. Lie to Me - 5 Seconds of Summer feat Julia Michaels
40. Bad Liar - Imagine Dragons

41. Timeless - Rob Thomas
42. Paalam - Moira Dela Torre and Ben&Ben
43. Dahan - December Avenue
44. Simula ng Dulo - Davey Langit
45. Sweet But Psycho - Ava Max
46. Into the Unknown - Idina Menzel and Aurora
47. Senorita - Shawn Mendes and Camilla Cabello
48. Slow Dance - AJ Mitchell feat Ava Max
49. Lost in the Woods - Jonathan Groff
50. Trip a Little Light Fantastic - Lin-Manuel Miranda

51.  Before it Sinks In - Moira Dela Torre
52. Masyado Pang Maaga - Ben&Ben
53. A Cover is Not a Book - Emily Blunt and Lin-Manuel Miranda
54. Branches - Ben&Ben
55. You Need to Calm Down - Taylor Swift
56. Hey Look Ma, I Made It - Panic at the Disco
57. One Less Day (Dying Young) - Rob Thomas
58.  How Do You Sleep - Sam Smith
59. Take That Man - IV of Spades
60. Show Yourself - Idina Menzel

61. Lost in the Middle of Nowhere - Kane Brown feat Becky G
62. F*** I'm Lonely - Lauv and Anne-Marie
63. Araw Araw - Ben&Ben
64. Con Calma (Remix) - Daddy Yankee feat Katy Perry
65. Hello My Love - Westlife
66. Never Really Over - Katy Perry
67. Old Town Road (remix) - Lil Nas X feat Billy Ray Cyrus
68. Di Ka Mahirap Mahalin - Silent Sanctuary
69. Mabagal -  Moira Dela Torre and Daniel Padilla
70. Where I Belong - Simple Plan, State Champs, We The Kings

71. Motivation - Normani
72, Talk of the Town - Andy Brown
73. Stay Around - American Authors
74. If I Can't Have You - Shawn Mendes
75. Who Do You Love - The Chainsmokers and 5 Seconds of Summer
76. Pauwi Na Ko - PDL, Skusta Clee et al
77. Hanggang Dulo - Paraluman
78. Better Man - Westlife
79. Juice - Lizzo
80. Love Me Anyway - Pink feat Chris Stapleton

81. Alaala - Alekzandra
82. Sucker - Jonas Brothers
83. One Thing Right - Marshmello feat Kane Brown
84. Kills You Slowly - The Chainsmokers
85.  So Am I - Ava Max
86. 7 Rings - Ariana Grande
87. Carry Me Away - John Mayer
88. Ano Bang Meron - Rayt Carreon
89. Good As Hell - Lizzo
90. Pangarap Kong Pangarap Mo - Zephanie

91. Lose You to Love Me - Selena Gomez
92. Boy with Luv - BTS feat Halsey
93. Pag-ibig Fortune Cookie - MNL48
94. Harder - Jax Jones feat Bebe Rexha
95. Kill This Love - Blackpink
96. 3 Nights - Dominic Finke
97. Christmas Tree Farm - Taylor Swift
98. Dance Monkey - Tones and I
99. 10,000 Hours - Dan & Shay feat Justin Bieber
100. The Ballad of the Lonesome Cowboy - Chris Stapleton

***

My Hot 100 for 2018

My Hot 100 for 2017

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Believe

One of my favorite modern Christmas songs. It just speaks to me on a deeper level now that I'm an adult.

In just a few hours, it's Christmas. It just not the same but you know I'm thankful because despite my general feeling of negativity the past few years, I still get to spend Christmas with my family who are all healthy and away from harm. I feel so ungrateful at times when I feel so resentful about certain aspects of my life but times like this, it does give me a reminder of what I have and how I should cherish the moment,

Major

So I tomorrow I will try to end one of the things that is holding me back. It's a repercussion of me playing things safe. It's a big move from me and it involves money. I have limited funds so this decision is giving me so much anxiety right now. I could have solved this long ago if I made better decision and took risk earlier but it's too late. Now I have to salvage it before things get even more complicated and give me more anxiety.

Cycle

Well, I'm blogging because as expected I'm once again feeling crappy. My backpack which I have been using for years broke big time today. I had to commute so  I placed my bag on a paper bag and just when I was about the ride the van home the paper bag broke, so yeah it was such a hassle. Things got even worse because I had to give up my seat in the van to a middle-aged married couple can seat together. I could't say no because you know an adult man saying no to that is impolite. And it's really no big deal anyway. But the seat I had in return was so cramped. I'm a fat guy so I squeezed myself as tight as possible. And I had to hold this broken paper bag holding my broken bag. My butt and legs were aching all throughout the trip. Add to the stress is I learned my parents had a fight today due to a small thing actually. I filed a leave tomorrow because my parents asked me to look after my nephew because they have something to do but now that they're not in good terms, I had to accompany my father tomorrow because my mother won't go. I was planning to do some work-from-home stuff but I can't say no of course because there would be conflict. I can't openly express my feelings because if they noticed this could lead to another unnecessary issue. I don't want any of that. And it's really just a small thing so yeah as I always I need to adjust so everyone can be comfortable. I know these so-called problems is really just a small thing compared to what other people are experiencing so I need to keep things in check. But man sometimes it's just hard for me dealing with this kind of stuff. The past few years, as shown on this blog, I've been tormented by my frustrations in life. I cope up with this avoiding thinking this way, removing myself from situations where it could be triggered. Distracting myself with the frivolities of life. But ultimately I always end up feeling this way. My insecurity has gotten worst to be honest. You see whenever I see a balding man on the street, I can help but look at their bald spots and imagine that's how I look like now. I thought I could handle balding better but no. I know this is such a small issue but you see I can't deny it anymore that I feel so devastated going bald this early. Why even in this I can't catch a break?
Overweight, balding with a so-so financial status. Oh wow, I do deserve this mediocre life because I'm lazy to take risks. Such a weakling.

Damaged Goods

I watched the latest episode of Young Sheldon earlier and unexpectedly got me emotional because of one character. Dr. Sturgis is an old scientist who broke up with Sheldon's grandmother because he is "damaged goods". He had mental health issues and decided that he could not put someone else in this kind of relationship.  She was his first ever girlfriend in his senior year at that! He felt that he is better off alone and not trouble anyone else. Now that he found someone for him, he let it go because he does not want to be the person that drags someone down with him. This show is generally a likable pleasant comedy but it has a lot of heart which is why I'm into it. But I didn't expect to be affected this way. It was the way Dr. Sturgis described himself as "damaged goods" that touched a nerve. It felt like the perfect words to describe how I sadly see myself. I'm damaged goods so I'm better off alone and not pull someone else down with me to the gutter. For the longest time, I thought I'm okay with this. I thought about how I will be at this age back in my teens. But I know in my heart that  I hoped it won't be the case. But looks like it is where I am heading to. I've come to terms with it long ago and but maybe it wasn't really the case because how could a random moment like that on a TV show gave me such feels?

Honestly, I was planning not to dwell with this thoughts but I came home and felt anxious because of an incident. And now here I am typing my feelings away in this blog that has become a repository of my recurring and never-ending anxiety-filled thoughts.

Bury it deep.