Adjustment

 I received some good news - salary increase! I had been in talks about this for months with the bosses and hit a couple of snags  and today I finally signed the document making it official. I felt crying earlier. My salary still pales in comparison with people working for a BPO  I admit but nevertheless I'm happy and satisfied. It's  something hard to ask in these challenging times so the fact I was still able to get one is such good news. I especially need it more than ever with the concerns at home. Thank you to the company so much and I will definitely work harder than ever. Thank you Lord for the blessing.

22K

Over 22K cases today. It was inevitable but nonetheless frustrating. Where are we going? Will we even have a HAPPY holiday season? I feel so sad and hopeless. How can we get out of this? Will enough people wake up? I want change so bad.

Desalmada

So glad to finish this side project ahead of deadline. Hoping it works out and that I get to do more so I can  earn more. The balancing act will be a challenge but I'm at this point of my life where I'm so determined to make things work. I hope this will be a start of something that can lead me to good things. I also hope the support I have gotten to do this continues, I'm really careful not to break their trust and mess any tasks that could lead to them questioning their decision. I hope this pays off. I deserve it.

Side

 I was busy doing something I had to go some process and get permission first because I don't want to get in trouble. I want things are cleared before I go to do this. I could have this done long ago in secret or downlow but I won't be comfortable at all. Honestly, if I didn't have to do the right process, I could have more money by now but yeah I'm not that kind of person (maybe to a fault sometimes). But I'm proud I still stuck to my principles no matter what and hopefully I gain something from this in the long run. It's hard to believe that doing the right process can you take to a road to success given how a lot of people do otherwise in the guise of diskarte. I'm quite jaded lately but I still hang on to whatever idealism I still have left. I have to. I need to,

Short

 So my father asked help from a neighbor who supposedly has connections with a politician for financial assistance for my mother's medical condition. The neighbor was helpful but I think he raised my father's hopes way too much that he will get immediate financial help which wasn't the case and we will still have to wait for awhile. My father was so disappointed and he rants about it everyday this week. It's quite tiresome because it has become repetitive and he just can't let it go. He gets irritated about other unrelated things too because of that. It tested my patience but I need to be the bigger person. It's a shame we have come to this, practically begging. I wish I had enough money that finances won't be a worry for Nanay's future treatments. It truly sucks. I avoid thinking about the future and I just value things one day at a time 

Occupied

Busy all day attending to family errands like going to the market, buying food, paying my nephew's tuition and at the same time doing some work from home stuff. It's hard to balance things out to be honest but I need to do what I have to do. Aside from that, I still do the usual dealing with other people's moods. It's a challenge really. But you gotta count the good things especially in these trying times. The pandemic, the scary prospect of the election results next year and of course facing a health crisis of a loved one. I need to stay busy so I won't go insane worrying endlessly. 

Moderna!

Tatay is finally vaccinated! He received Moderna which is even more amazing! The vaccination process here is so slow and still not open outside Senior Citizens so glad Tatay finally got one. I'm envious too because he got the brand I want too! Glad he got this dose which is at least one less thing to worry about.

 

Sick

 So the current president wants to run for vice president next elections. He is moving things like it is local politics where the political clans just exchanges positions and abuse the loopholes. While we saw this coming, the fact that this is confirmed now it just making me feel so bad. In normal times, this should not be allowed or that he should not win at all but different times. The blatant manipulation and power play is sickening. I feel so hopeless yet again. 

Bad Energy

 Another day when patience is tested. We already facing a major and the last thing is bad energy. I feared that this would happen because this behavior is so predictable. Yes it came out of love and concern but this is going overboard. It is becoming so embarrassing. Please dignity. 

Need

 So today was a test of patience and I almost broke down. But good thing I managed to stay on course, on what should be done. I had mini meltdowns to myself but I need to constantly remind myself when things could get worse. The stress led me to think about some hurtful thoughts which thankfully I kept to myself,, I would so regret if I said it out loud. Lord, please guide me, please give me strength. 

Keep Hope Alive

 Nanay had her follow up check earlier and things went fine. The doctor is really nice and accommodating. He makes Nanay feel relaxed so that's a good thing. She was allowed to do some simple things like taking a bath. Nanay is strong so nice to see. We still have to wait for the next step and the doctor will just inform when is the next checkup. Oh dear Lord please let this be the start of a good path to full recovery. 

17K

 Today's COVID19 cases hit an all time high of 17, 231 cases. So scary So frustrating. So maddening. It's been two weeks since Tatay inquired to get vaccinated and they told him to just come back to see if a first dose is already available again. Nothing!. That's why I get annoyed with "magpabakuna na kayo!' and proposals of separating vaccinated people in some services. Fix the supply distribution first! Sure there's antivaxxers but how about focusing on those millions who are still waiting to get vaccinated first? I don't know when and how will this end. It's just making me feel so hopeless. 

Hotspot

 We had an electric fan fixed and when my brother claimed it earlier, the repairman after finding out where we lived remarked that our subdivision has a lot of positive cases lately. We knew there were cases and some on our street as well but I didn't realize it was that many. The barangay Facebook does not do the daily covid cases updates anymore and frankly I stopped monitoring long ago too. But I did see an update where there was a disinfection drive here last weekend. If this happened last year, we would definitely be on hard lockdown and just imagine my mother won't be able to come home just yet.

I don't know what to feel. Should I be thankful? But the cases are alarming. I'm getting paranoid to be honest. 

When?

Because of Nanay's situation, I've been trying to avoid the news about the rising cases of the delta variant because it just makes me even more anxious. But you can't get away it and you have to learn what's going on. It's alarming, It's scary. It's exhausting. When will this end?

Sir Jun

 Sad to learn that former ABS-CBN/CNN Philippines newsman Jun Del Rosario passed away. He was my college professor and I've always enjoyed his classes where he basically just shares his experiences. He was also such a nice man and so accommodating. I was able to interview Henry Omaga Diaz back in college because of him. I remember the ABS-CBN guard was so strict and he wouldn't allow us but one call from sir Jun and we were let in that easily. To be honest, he is not really academic type and his classes tend to go all over the place but I LOVE when he shares his experiences as a broadcast journalist. I learned a lot with his insights. He has also has this warm presence. 

It was a privilege to know you sir! Rest in Peace.

13

 My nephew turned 13 today! Our little boy is now officially a teenager! An angsty teenager at that! But he has a sense of maturity especially how he handled Nanay's situation. My nephew is a brave one. It sucks he is entering his teenage years in a pandemic and not interacting with kids his own age in person. He has a circle of online friends on Roblox which makes him happy and I definitely can relate to that as I have formed friendships online via forums, some even lasting more than a decade too! My birthday wish for my nephew is good health as always and that he can go back safely in face to face school at least first quarter of 2022 at least!

Hopeful

A full day of Nanay back at home and I'm really happy to see her recovering well. She just stays in the room as instructed by the doctor. So far she's handling things good. I was in a bad spot when I learned about the condition but seeing my mother's disposition is making me feel stronger and hopeful that she will beat this battle and come out victorious. 

Home!

After 3 weeks at the hospital, Nanay is finally home! She's so happy to finally be here and has positive attitude toward her recovery. Than you Lord! Please continue guiding my mother

 

Battle

 In the biggest challenge of my life, I feel like I'm losing. I'm managing to be tough and brave when talking to Nanay and my family but inside I'm losing it. I'm thinking a lot of negative scenarios. I'm just worried and so scared. To be honest, my faith is in crisis too. I just can't understand WHY. I hate feeling that. I hate questioning that. I'm shaken by everything that's happening. Lord please heal my Mother, I'm begging you. 

Fear

 I still can't accept Nanay has cancer. While I did research that the chances of beating this is high, I'm still scared. I'm worried for Nanay's mental health. I'm sure she's so scared right now. The same with Tatay. He lost 3 brothers the past 2 years and now his wife's health is in jeopardy. I'm so scared as well but I need to be brave for them even if I'm dying inside. I just talked to Nanay awhile ago and her voice is weak, granted she's in medication and still recovering from surgery but still I can't help but think that we are starting to lose her. NO! I want to stop thinking like this but I can't help it. Oh God please don't let it happen.