Losing It

 Stressed out once more as I deal with anxiety. Not just my own but loved ones as well. I feel like giving up sometimes but I can't. I won't . But it's really testing me to be honest, I feel like breaking down. I try to console myself that there are other worst case scenario to take things into perspective but during the moments like this when I face yet another stressful situation, it's so hard to handle. It's so hard to stay sane. But I can't break down. I just can't. I don't want to. 

Sting

Quite a stressful day as I once again became the middleman of two conflicts. The root of the conflict is a very small thing but I don't know people seek drama or pride just gets in the way. This has been so repetitive so the best thing that I do is just not added fuel to the fire because I just want peace of mind. It's so tiring and it does not help my toothache has returned. Dealing with today has been such a hassle

Blind

 My brother shared how he overheard some of his co-workers bashing the "opponents" of the current regime. They are believing everything he says even if is already blatantly obvious how shady the deals of the people connected to him. Despite everything that is happening their really is still a lot of people supporting him no matter what. I don't understand why. We just had over 23K cases today. Second highest of all time. I feel so hopeless

Dim

 Here at the office and done with today's work. I'm actually just killing time now because my carpool will arrive at 4:30 PM.  There are a few people left  and half of the office is dark with the lights turned off. A year and a half later and I still can't help but feel with this so-called new normal. I got used to how to work now in a pandemic but I still long for the "before" times. Friday is even quieter these days as seen in the streets of Ayala. A strike contrast pre-March 2020 where Fridays are so hectic! I miss it a lot now. When will this end? How will it look once the dust settles? So much certainty. 

What I Want This Christmas

100 days before Christmas! Another holiday season in this pandemic. Managing my expectations but hoping for the best. Praying for stress-free Christmas. I hope Nanay's recovery will continue and all other health threats will be squashed. Same goes in general to my family, save us from a life threatening diseases That's truly what I want for this Christmas.

Good Doctor

 Nanay's checkout went well but some lab results for her diabetes management needs some work to get it back to the level three months go but the doctor was so reassuring and answered our every inquiry very well. That's the kind of doctor I really like and you could see how Nanay is comfortable with her too. That's really important. Glad Nanay decided to continue going to this clinic where her records are there and the clinic is so good. The doctor that handled her diabetes concerns at the hospital where she had her operation has a schedule that's way too packed that when we had her post-operation checkup we waited for nearly 3 hours for her to arrive and past 5PM too! Not ideal and honestly during the consultation I felt like she was rushing us off because of the queue of patients. Major red flag and her consultation fee is 700! In our regular clinic it's less than 400 pesos. It really was a no brainer and glad I didn't have to convince Nanay  because she made the decision herself.  Getting a good doctor is so essential and glad we found one that Nanay trusts and makes her feel safe. 

Worries, Worries

Nanay's regular checkup for her diabetes tomorrow. I checked the lab results and while I'm no expert but since I've been accompanying her for over a year now I have some idea how it works and I think the results are something that we should be cautious about but of course will have to wait for the doctor's professional advice tomorrow. I'm preparing myself now though but hopefully my worst fears won't come to fruition. It's been a challenge monitoring Nanay's health these days. She does look okay and not frail but I do feel she's quite worried about her health. I hate to see Nanay in that state but still it could have been worst and she's still in better condition. Oh Lord please bless Nanay. Tatay too whose experiences arthritis too but he's quite active doing some household chores so that's good I guess. I'm 34 and it's normal stage of life now but I sometimes I still feel nervous and pressured about looking after my parents' health. It's been one heck of an emotional ride and still surviving the best way I can. 

No!

 Nanay had trouble sleeping last night and got so anxious. Tonight she's sleeping well. She will have some routine lab tests tomorrow. Hoping and praying for good results. I was glad one medical decision I really wanted to happen but she rejected initially will now happen as she changed her mind earlier. I do think it's for the best and Nanay realized that too. It's been a challenge handing her recovery but she's in good spirits and sometimes I forget her condition because everything feels normal these days. But sometimes negative stuff crosses my mind, imagining a bad scenario. It's so hard to feel this way but I'm trying my best to fight it off because right now there's no room for that kind of bad energy. No way. 

A1

 My laptop keyboard is having issues with letter A and number 1. Sometimes they don't appear as instant as it should. It's making some of my work quite a hassle. Yeah I really need a new laptop but I can't afford right now. Things like this makes me frustrated. What to do but deal with it the best way I can. It's still function decently but days like this makes me wish I'm in a better financial state. 

26, 303

 Record breaking COVID19 cases today in the Philippines! Meanwhile, admin is busy defending their shady deals in relation to the pandemic deals, attacking those who are scrutinizing their very very very questionable transactions. One official too was caught bad mouthing health workers for daring to demand what they deserve. We are truly living such horrible times. May pagbabago ba next year? Sana meron

Floating

 Went to the office today and definitely made the right call as I was so engrossed with work today that I didn't have time to linger on unhealthy thoughts. I definitely more focused when I'm at the office. More productive too. I can't work regularly at the office for a lot of reasons from financial to family matters to attend at the house and of course it still isn't safe with the never-ending nightmare of this virus. I don't really know when things can go back to how it used to be. Will it ever go back? I sure hope so. 

Overwhelmed

I'm trying to stay positive despite all the negative stuff surrounding me. It's hard really to have a happy disposition when I have so many worries in life. Personal to National. Maybe even  the world. I don't know why I feel this way. Drowning with so much anxiety but I need to stay strong. Being patient is hard as well. But I keep reminding myself about worst situation. I'm torn of whether to seek for personal happiness as well, I just can't right now. 

Necessary Distraction

 Typhoon hit parts of the country today. I was supposed to go to the office but didn't push through thankfully as commuting would have been extra hard. I'm a bit swamped at work due to an additional task but honestly I don't mind because it keeps me busy to not dwell with the frustrating news each day/ Things are so much worst right now that's really driving me mad. I'm so tired of feeling this way. God please help this country. 

Messy

 So after a backlash and a lot of concerns, Metro Manila won't go back to GCQ tomorrow. What a mess. Good thing I was so preoccupied at work today so I didn't have the time to bury myself deep into the ever confusing pandemic management. I'm really scared where we really are heading. So disorganized. 

Face palm

Over 22,400 cases today. All time high yet restrictions will loosen up in Metro Manila and then flights coming to the country will be more open than ever. I don't know that plan anymore. Is there a plan really? My brother told me a Facebook post of a college classmate where he is ranting about the VP, yeah of all the issues in this country, it's the VP she's ranting about because according to him all she does is to be a contrarian. . That person is an OFW by the way. He's not here experiencing the hell we are going through. This kind of thinking just makes me more nervous for next year's elections. God help us

34

 34 today. My birthday wishes are:

1. Good health for my family especially Nanay who is recovering from her operation last month 

2. This pandemic finally ends. 

3. Meaningful and sensible change for 2022.  

On Hold

Nanay is doing good so far recovering from her operation but we still need to get clearance from the doctor on what to do next. So we are still waiting but I'm hopeful that everything will be fine soon. But not gonna lie from time to time scary thoughts cross my mind but please Lord don't let my fears happen. 

20K

 Over 20K covid cases today, 2nd highest of all time. And you could feel how fast it is spreading now. I've known so many people who have caught it recently. Thankfully a lot of them vaccinated so it didn't get worst and mostly mild cases. But damn this is so scary. When will this end? I'm so tired of this feeling. 

Fighting Hopelessness

May 2022 scares me. They are just too powerful that they can still win or find ways to stay in power. Even with all the blatant faults and issues, they are unwavering and they still have support. They have mastered how to control everything that benefits them. I'm so scared of them staying in power but one thing I can't afford it to lose hope that we can still have meaningful change. They can't take that away from us. I feel so much despair but I can't let it affect how I view things in the future. Please I hope I'm not wrong.

VaxMas

 Received my second dose of the vaccine today and hopefully COVID and its Delta variant backs off! At the vaccination site earlier they were playing Christmas song. Yeah the ber months have started but it's an even harder sell than last year. It's gonna be hard to have the holiday spirit. The pandemic, the political situation dampens everything. But really as long as my family especially my parents are in good health status, I'll be so happy. Please Lord bless my family and guide my parents most especially