Wavering

 I went back to the office today and my mind was occupied with work but I have this flickering moments where I suddenly think of my departed Tito again. Flashes of his final moments especially when he suddenly cried after a long moment of his eyes just staring blankly. That flash of emotion, his last one, really left a big mark on me. Those were tears of heartbreak as he is about to leave us. As much as I try to console myself that my uncle's passing is for the better, so that the pain of his bone cancer will no longer be felt, but still I'm still so heartbroken that I will no longer see him. That I will no longer hear his voice. Tatay said he just wants to pretend that Tito is just away at work so busy and has no time to visit us which was actually the usual thing with him. I wish it were true.

Strong

 My uncle was laid to rest today. Last night it was raining hard and we were worried that today will have a typhoon but thank God the weather was good and we were able to say our farewell without the difficulty that a rain could bring.

I'm gonna miss my Tito so much, he is young just recently turned 56 years old. I'm looking out over my father, his older brother, he handled it as best as he can but I know it was really hard for him to lose his youngest brother so early and add to the fact he lost his two other brothers, one just last month and the other exactly a year ago. Earlier on he asked me to delete the phone numbers of his deceased brothers on his phone. It made me sad to do that but I totally get where he is coming from. It's his process of letting go. He was really hungry when we ate a fast food after the funeral service. He didn't have an appetite earlier too and just ate one pandesal and drank milk. I was with him during the service and he was asked to speak but he could only last a minute before he passed the mic to a cousin. He was just emotional to carry on. He also couldn't look when Tito's coffin was being buried to the ground already. I went with him when we were standing under a tree nearby and chatted him to ease the burden. 

Dear Tito, please guide my father and help him stay strong. It will take a lot of time before he can get move on from this grief but please guide him from up there so he can stay strong. Don't worry as well, we will be there for Auntie Rose and Ralph & Daniel's family. 

No words can fully explain how I will miss you so much. 

Unfair

My uncle will be laid down to rest tomorrow Thursday because due to the pandemic protocols we can't have the traditional weeklong wake. Even if we could only have the wake for 2 nights still glad we still get to honor his life because if he passed on during the peak of the lockdown here, he will have to be cremated immediately even if the cause of death is not COVID19. I went to work today to fix some things needed because of course I will be there to witness his final resting place. Nanay won't come though because she will look over my nephew who still has online school to attend to. She also admitted that she doesn't want to see my uncle lifeless and wants to preserve his memory of being alive and healthy. My uncle is close to Nanay and one of his last requests was to have Nanay's homecooked meal of a fish dish he loves which Nanay of course willingly did it for him. Tatay is so far holding up fine, he is chatty person and was able to take care of the people who visited the wake today be it relatives or my uncle's co-workers. He actually met the company president of my uncle's workplace. He had  nothing but good words to my uncle and he expressed what I've been feeling as well that he truly didn't deserve to have such debilitating illness because of how hardworking, responsible and honest person he is.  Life is so unfair. 

Thank You Tito

 Today we lost our beloved uncle Tito Romy. An unforgettable moment because I was there on his last few moments. I heard his last breath. The last time he cried will forever be in my mind. It is bittersweet because the physical pain finally ended but still losing him will leave a big hole in our hearts. I'm looking out for my Tatay because he lost 3 brothers in a span of a year. So far he seems to be handling it as best as he could but I know he is in deep pain. I woke up early this morning because my phone was ringing and it was Tatay but I missed the call. I thought he was just waking me up to eat breakfast but when I went to the dining table, he wasn't there and Nanay said he went to Tito's house because my aunt called. After breakfast, I went there and saw my aunt crying and their neighbors and friends were all there consoling her. Tatay told me Tito is dying so he asked me to go to him and say my goodbyes. And there it was I saw my uncle having difficulty time breathing and his eyes were blank. I knew it immediately the end was near. I said to him that don't worry that we will look out for his family and that if he wants to rest, he can do so. I thanked him a lot for all the things he has done for us all these years. My father left because he had something to do at home and I stayed by my Tito's side while my aunt was calling her sons. My youngest cousin was driving because he just arrived at work when he was informed of my uncle's situation so he had to leave fast. My other cousin was on his way. My aunt was telling my uncle to hold on and wait for his sons to arrive but my uncle was struggling. One of their neighbors initiated a prayer and after the prayer ended, he held his last breath. We shouted his name but he was no longer responding. It hurts because his sons didn't make it on time to say goodbye. Tatay too wasn't there at his last moment but he did say his goodbyes earlier on. But maybe Tito wanted it that way, that his beloved Kuya and sons won't see him die in person. 

What made this day even sadder? Today is also my auntie's birthday. Did he fight to make it on her birthday at least? We will never know but I won't be surprised if in his heart he did try to make it to celebrate his wife's birthday but sadly he didn't make it the entire day.

 To be honest, I still can't fathom why a kind, responsible, and loving man had to suffer like that. Maybe I won't know the reason why it had to happen this way anytime soon. For now, all we can do is pray for his soul. Maraming salamat Tito. Mahal na mahal ka namin.

Quinta

 Typhoon Quinta hit hard last night and well until earlier today especially in the southern Luzon provinces. Here where I live we were on Signal #2 and last night the typhoon hit hard with strong winds pushing our windows. There was a short power interruption too! There were cancellation of classes too even if it is now remote/online because there could be power interruptions, floods at home and Interne signal problems too that will affect classes. Good thing I'm work from home today and tomorrow so I won't have to worry because this weather could be a reason to get a common cold or flu and that's a no-no during these times. 

To be honest, I prefer the inconvenience typhoon brings because at least we could still function normally unlike this pandemic with its long-term effects and endless uncertainty. Oh well. 

Praying for a Miracle

I had a stressful morning today because of an uncle in a health crisis and there was some emotional moments that led to a misunderstanding. But good thing a bigger conflict was halted and cooler heads prevailed. It was just a conflict driven by the stress and frustration of what's currently happening to our uncle who is in a state that's so depressing to see him struggle. To  be honest, a miracle is needed to save his life. It's so painful to see him in pain, we don't want to give up but is better to let go? I really feel for my cousin and auntie, they are in an unbelievable situation right now. Oh Dear Lord guide us. It's against realistic odds but can there be a miracle, please? 

Groceries

I've been doing the grocery halfway when the lockdown started and continues to do so until now. My parents stayed in the car while I was inside the grocery. They just want to go out really even if they don't step outside. Totally understand, especially my mother who was mostly stuck at house due to the lockdown and the medical issues she had this year. She's already happy she can go to the market now. Anyway, since the provincial government already allowed entering the malls and groceries without quarantine pass, it was less strict to enter the grocery now. Just the usual temperature check and log in. I still wore our quarantine pass just to be sure really but inside I noticed I was the only one still wearing one! I like grocery shopping because it is kinda relaxing in a way? Ever since I was a child actually because I was one of those kids who rode the big cart when I was small! I've always accompanied my mother even in teenage years. We even had experiences of carrying 4-5 grocery bags while commuting from Alabang or even Makati to Cavite. The two jeepney rides we took and even crossing the streets! Quite a hassle really but looking back now I was trained early on! But damn what you could buy with 1000 back then but now oh well 1K won't be enough for a big family really. The experience I had doing grocery shopping by myself for the family is a good learning experience to me. 

Dim

 Traffic on the way home is horrendous. As if we are back to normal times. It annoyed me so much because while restrictions are loosened up, there are still restrictions. We are not back to regular programming despite the return of traffic back into our lives. The holidays will be guaranteed different now and it saddens me so much. No bright Christmas lights in malls can brighten up the atmosphere. 

When?

I'm not really an outspoken guy. I try to avoid toxic personalities. They stress me out. But sometimes I just can't handle it anymore. Especially in this era. I'm so sick of obnoxious people and the people who cheer them on. But I'm not gonna lie I'm scared as well because they have clout. They are in position of control. I'm not really brave. I worry easily. I chicken out of confrontations. I'm quite ashamed of this. It's so frustrating because there's so much maddening and alarming things happening around. I hate that they are winning. When will it end? When will common decency and respectful discourse return? 

Hopeful

 Jeepney rides from our place to Alabang will finally return tomorrow! Very happy for the drivers after those agonizing months of not being allowed to. Traffic will be a lot more difficult but hey people can finally have their livelihood again. The governor also announced today that malls in the province will no longer require quarantine pass to enter the mall. That's good for the business inside the malls, may they have a fighting chance right now. Today's reported confirmed cases is 1, 509 which the lowest since early September.  That's a good sign but of course nothing to celebrate just yet because tomorrow cases could go back to 3K again but really hoping it's truly a sign of a good downward trend. Life will still not go back to the normal we knew anytime soon but I'm holding on to hope that the worst could be over. Please dear Lord, please let this be the start of something better soon. 

New Ride

 We have a new carpool driver starting today as the previous one texted us passengers that he won't be available for the next two weeks. I didn't ask why but I'm a bit worried for him. I hope it's not a health issue. The past few months I've been riding his vehicle, I've felt really comfortable and safe to go to work. He really takes good care of his passengers so I hope the reason for his absence is not something delicate. Anyway, the new driver is also a good one alert and makes sure his vehicle is clean and he is quite OC so that's good. It was raining all day so having an accessible and comfortable way to commute is such a relief. 

Struggling

 My sister told us how the company she's working for is really struggling right now. It's a small company that was directly hit by the pandemic. The restrictions just made it more difficult for that line of business to survive. For now, her boss will try to make it work but the challenge is very high that her boss asked her if she's okay with a pay cut just until the company recovers. She agreed because well she wants to show her support to her boss. Tough times really. Recently, there was news that there are companies that may not able to give 13th month pay for the holiday season. It made me think of my company as well. I'm quite confident our big boss will of course give us one because even in the years the company had financial troubles, he still made it work. I feel the company right now is in good shape relatively speaking of course. I'm quite thankful for that really. The economic fallout of this pandemic will linger on for so long. I'm quite scared with what the future beholds. 

Snippets 6

 I was able to listen to mass today after SEVEN months! So glad the subdivision chapel finally had a mass. There's pandemic protocol of course, we had to register before entering and we were given "Seat numbers". The allowed capacity is a little over 100 people. In my estimate the total number of mass attendees were above 90. So not bad really and only two people were allowed each bench. Prayed hard today and it was soothing to the soul.

***

Nanay finally had to chance to go the market today! During the months that we were the ones doing it, we could never satisfy,there's always something wrong with the fish or produce we bought, hindi sariwa, masyado raw mahal etc. She's really good at this, she was able to haggle to such good prices to her sukis!. Glad she was able to finally do this again.

****

My sister needed something printed for work and all the Internet shops near us closed down during the lockdown. Found one with 15-20 minute walk from our house. Printing cost was cheap just one peso per page so it was worth the walk! The shop also issues receipts which my sister neede for reimbursement. The shop is a part of a family business located in one commercial space composed of a barber shop, pharmacy and sari-sari store. Glad to see some business thrive.

Some Steps

 Earlier I noticed the checkpoints here in our barangay have been dismantled. I guess it is because they have been causing traffic with more vehicles on the road now. But I did read in our official barangay Facebook that there are now 4 active cases and we haven't had a new case in a few days. So that's good news. Also read that the jeepney routes here to Alabang will come back soon! Happy for the jeepney drivers here, finally! I will still ride the carpool to be honest because it's more convenient but at least good to know I now have another option which hopefully will be cheaper. There was also an announcement that the chapel in our subdivision will finally hold mass tomorrow! Daily cases here in the country is still over 3K regularly so yeah still no signs of this virus not posing a threat anytime. But still, these pieces are good enough to give me some hope things will be fine eventually.

Always Something There to Remind Me

 The latest season of The Amazing Race premiered yesterday and in the beginning of the program Phil Keoghan, the host, made a disclaimer that this season was shot before the pandemic. Actually, this was shot in 2018, it really got delayed for so long.   I was glad to have this show back on air, it gave me an escape from reality but I felt sad later on because I realized this could be the final season of the show as the show's concept is impossible to produced in a pandemic.

Sometimes I forget but there are reminders everywhere of what we are living right now. We are in the midpoint of October. The last two months of this unforgettable year are coming. Can there be a glimmer of hope?

Thank you and Goodbye Yahoo Groups!

I haven't been an active user in one for a decade already. In fact I rarely open my Yahoo Mail these days actually!  Still, the closure of this once popular Internet place makes me a little sad because it signals how much has changed over the years. I've been into a lot of interest type of groups and there were even classes back in college where we had this one and this where the professor sends files for us students! Those were the days! Thank you and goodbye Yahoo Groups!

 

Pause

I just stayed at home today as the carpool driver had a personal errand. There's another way for me to commute to work but I had qualms about it because it will take me 2 rides and it will be more expensive on my end. Thankfully, I didn't have an urgent task that needs my physical presence at the office so I can work from home for today. Also, it rained all day so not really an ideal weather to commute. I do love the cold breeze as it has a relaxing and calming effect however right now as I type the rain is pouring hard so it's stressing me a little. I will go back to the office tomorrow and hopefully the weather will be better.

Worry Less

So today I faced one of  the things that I've been worried about for months. It's a medical concern involving my mother and we had a lab test out today and THANK GOD my worst fears didn't happen. My mother will still be in regular maintenance medicines and will need lab tests every 6 weeks to monitor the situation but at least the bigger potential medical concern is ruled out and hopefully it stays that way and she maintains good health. It's a such a relief to me really. In this stressful year, my main concern is the health of my loved ones. Oh Dear Lord, please guide us each day and keep us way from big harm. 

Worry Again

Tomorrow there's something that it making me worry again. I need to prepare myself in case of the worst case scenario, hopefully I can handle the stress better and not fall apart. On the other side, maybe it is just me overthinking things again which I normally do. But this year, so many fears happened. So I can't be panatag, I should always be alert and mentally prepared. But please God, let tomorrow be not negative, please, please. 

Not Over

 There was a religious procession earlier in our barangay but of course due to the pandemic protocol, it was a different one without the usual karakol, the procession was done with people in motorcycles and vehicles. It was odd really. I understand this is a safety measure and they just want to salvage the tradition but it just doesn't have the same feeling. I've accepted that this is how life is gonna be for the foreseeable future but moments like this will remind you of what you can't have right now. Earlier this week I dined in at a fast food and I was the only one there. It felt so eerie and sad. A friend also told me a story about how one private hospital is struggling because they lack manpower now with some of the staff left due to various reasons like the fear of getting the virus or compensation dissatisfaction. it's not on mainstream news because the hospital is trying to keep the problem on their own for now. 

That's why I can't help but feel dread with the holidays coming. I hear a Christmas song but it just makes me sad. 

Reel Threat

 The new James Bond movie No Time To Die moved to next year, Pixar's latest SOUL will now be a streaming release in the US via Disney+, local microcinema Cinema Centinario closed down, a new mainstream local horror movie U Turn will now be on pay-per-view online and cable on demand. MMFF just announced that the annual December fest will go online. Major cinema chains in the US will close down for the time due to lack of new major releases. Here in the Philippines have closed down since March and still no signs of returning soon.

I'm worried for the cinema experience. I hope this pandemic won't kill it for good. 

Trying Hard

 Check out this web show my friend from the college student paper created and starred in! I'm envious to be honest because he is living one of the dreams I have hehe

Make no mistake though, I'm so proud of Gelo!

The first episode of TRYING HARD will be out on YouTube Oct. 11. Check out the trailer below!

Meet Makisig Bonifacio. Maki for short. A gay Filipino young professional living in Nashville, Tennessee.

Minority

There's this recent national survey that made me feel so frustrated. After all that happened the trust is still that high? I wish I could say it is fake and not really representing the general view but I have anecdotal experience with some people I interact with and yeah they still trust and defend him. I don't know what to say anymore. I feel hopeless. Will that perception ever change? 

My Last Movie Ticket.... For Now

 This is the last movie I paid to watch in a theater this year. Onward back in March. Just a few days before our lives changed in ways we didn't imagine. I miss the cinema. I miss being immersed in a world and escape reality. Watching a movie on your laptop much less your phone isn't the same. I hope this pandemic won't totally kill the movie theater industry. 

A2Z

 ABS-CBN will return -somewhat- to free TV this Saturday via blocktime deal with Zoe TV Channel 11 on Analog TV and their joint venture is called A2Z. A to Z get it? The name, aesthetically, looks a little off with 2 and Z looking so similar but hey small issue! What matters is that they will be able to get back in the free TV advertising arena. I hope the network can earn good enough to avoid a potential next wave of retrenchment. I still have friends working there and hopefully they can keep their jobs. Hopefully, there won't be any hindrance and those people will back off and leave the channel alone.

Why?

 So just awhile ago you saw someone in deep physical pain. You want to help but nothing you can do can make the person feel better. You could feel the frustration and all you can do is to reassure the person that it's fine, nothing to worry about. But the person isn't dumb, you could easily feel what people feel deep inside. Stress. Worries. Fear. All mixed into one ball of excruciating emotion. You don't want to lose hope yet all signs are pointing to a bad conclusion. How can you stir optimism with everything that is happening? You don't want to question life but you can't help but wonder why this is person is suffering like this. They don't deserve to suffer like this. They didn't live a bad life. Why?

Edge

So tomorrow is the start of the classes for public schools and I've been watching the news and there is just so many challenges for both students and teachers. Majority have no access to a gadget much less Internet connection to do online school. Of course there is the physical module but still could students really learn by answering just the modules? A guidance is needed but a lot of parents are not equipped to teach as well due to various reasons as some are just too tired and exhausted working to have time to teach and o simply not understanding the lessons too as well. 

My nephew have been doing online school for more than a month now and so far he is doing alright. I'm glad since he is already in Grade 7 so he could adapt easily now but still being inside a school is still different and he misses it a lot too. But for now we have to deal with what we have right now.

I hope though before the school year ends, he will be able to go back to school safely and actually meet his teachers and classmates in person. 

Tree

 My brother put up our Christmas tree already and I was surprised because we usually  do the decorating post-All Saints/Souls Day but then again Undas is cancelled this year basically because the government are not allowing people to visit cemeteries this year to avoid spreading of the virus. But still I feel it is too early but I guess my brother wants to feel the Christmas spirit already. For me, I don't have any enthusiasm right now. I'm still sad that we have reached this far and no signs of going back to normal yet. There are so many things that frustrates me too. I wish I can avoid what I feel but I can't lie to myself.  Seeing Christmas decoration is just making me sad more than ever. Because I dread how will it look like in this horrible year. I wish when 2020 is actually over, we can have an actual restart in 2021 and things will better automatically. But life does not work that way.

Convenience?

So in Metro Manila apparently buses are now mandated to have contactless payments which actually is not a bad idea especially in this pandemic but I think the implementation is too sudden, they should have a slower rollout first like cash payments still allowed for a certain amount of time before going full contactless. Also, the transportation card must be affordable and there shouldn't be a convenience fee everytime you load up! I used to a ride Point-to-Point bus to work which uses a card too but there's option for cash as well. When you load up, there's no convenience fee at all! I hope they fix this soon enough, commuting is already hard so why add more burden? 

Snippets 5

 No office work tomorrow as the building will have full disinfection for precautionary measures. I got a little stressed because I have a pending task for tomorrow that I will have to do next week now. So I will have time constraints but oh well I'll deal with it next week. It's pointless to stress about something beyond my control. 

***

My sister will go back to working at the office next week but only on MWF while she works at home TTHS. While she got used to working at home now, going back to the office is still a good sign for their company's future at least. Having a stable job during this time is so essential.

***

I dined in at Jollibee this week and the branch where I ate was nearly empty. In  a way it is safe because few people means lower risk of the virus spreading but still makes me sad really how life has changed so much. Can we ever really go back to the normal life we once knew?

***

I was at the grocery earlier and they were playing ABS-CBN Christmas Station ID songs. It made me feel sad because well Christmas this year won't be the same due to the pandemic and well ABS-CBN's fate this year. I'm sure they would still try to produce one this year but I feel it will have a tinge of sadness to it because of what happened this year. 

***

I was listening to a podcast earlier and one of the host opined how she recently felt like her job is so inferior compared to her brother. It triggered something in me again because at 33 years old I just have many insecurities where my life is right now. Before this pandemic, my occasional blog posts mostly covered my insecurities and frustrations.  2020's horrible streak of events made me forget about those but  it came back to say hello today. I don't know if I can ever feel fulfilled again.

Negative

 My uncle who is sick is thankfully negative of COVID19, my aunt informed my father earlier. My uncle's sickness is not really connected to it but as a precautionary measure by the doctor he had a swab test. Thank God! My uncle needs personal care right now so if he was positive of the illness it would have been hard for his family to take care of him as he will be isolated from them. My uncle's journey in battling his illness still has a long way to go but at least one scary possibility has been eliminated already. Praying hard he will beat this life challenge.

***

My other uncle who passed away will be cremated tomorrow. My father was able to gather more than enough funds for it. He got stressed earlier because his SSS pension was delayed since normally it would be released a day or two before the end of the month. We have been checking his ATM for the past 2 days and nothing! Earlier this morning, still no pension! I went to SSS Facebook page and found it was not just him but seems like all pensioners had delayed release. My father would have used the money to help his my uncle's family so he was really frustrated when it was still not released. Thankfully around 3PM the pension has finally been transferred to his bank account. My father was still quite moody earlier tonight but I figured it out it is because his brother will be cremated tomorrow and he won't be there physically to say goodbye so I understand the frustration. My dear uncle Jesus please guide Tatay, he loves you so much. 

A Reminder

 Earlier I noticed my favorite canteen near our office building has a FOR LEASE sign now. They have been closed since the lockdown but I was hoping they will eventually come back when the situation gets better. But months have passed and things didn't get any better. The total cases in the country is now over 300K and there's still quarantine with no foreseeable. A lot of offices in our vicinity are still working from home or worst have closed down. Sad to say the canteen can't really go back in business because there's limited customers anyway. It's sad because that canteen had been present since I started working with the company for 11 years now. While I usually have packed lunches to save money but in the times I don't or I stayed overnight at the office, that's my go to place because of the home cooked meal feels it had and their place is so clean as well. We are entering the 4th  quarter of the year and I'm so close to giving up hoping that things will be better anytime soon. 

One Last Time

 My father was busy all day contacting relatives to inform them what happened to my uncle who passed away yesterday. He was also asking for financial assistance for the cremation and other needs of his family. The truth is my uncle didn't have a good reputation among our relatives with money matters. My father knows this but his love for his brother is strong enough to overcome any hesitation or shame to ask for financial help. I overheard him talking on the phone telling someone that despite all the problems my uncle had brought upon, I hope for one last time they could help him out. When he was able to gather over 20K today, I saw how his face beamed as we collected the money in the remittance areas and ATMs. I read a text message from my aunt thanking him profusely for all the help he did today. I haven't seen my father cry but I know deep inside he is grieving. He is dealing with this sadness by doing the best he can to help his brother one last time While my uncle gave him some problems too, my father never gave up and continued to support him until the end. 

Hard to Believe

 An uncle passed away today and another uncle is hospitalized with a life threatening illness. Both are the younger brothers of my father. My father is of course stressed and devastated with what's happening. Bakit sabay sabay? All we can do is support my father right now as he grieve while at the same worried with his other brother in critical condition. He is coping by contacting relatives to inform about the sad news and coordinating financial help. He sadly can't go my uncle who passed due to the pandemic. And he said to me, he is not sure he can handle his emotions and could cause his blood pressure to rise. Oh dear Lord please guide my father in this very difficult time. May my uncle rest in peace while my other uncle heal as soon as possible.

Tough times

Diffuse

 Earlier there was a tension at home because of the bad news we received yesterday. It was a result of the stress and sadness because of that news. I was the one who was in the middle to pacify the people involved. It was so stressful but hey I'm quite proud how I handled the situation because things did get better and the friction was resolved. By dinner time everything went back to normal. Emotions are just high because of yesterday's bad news. I guess that moment earlier was needed because there were pent-up emotions involved that needed to be let out. Tough road ahead but I know I need to be stronger than ever so I could be the rock they could lean on.

Numb

An hour ago I was informed of a very sad news. I won't go into details yet because honestly I'm still processing what I am feeling right now. It involves one of my greatest fears in life. While I already had a feeling this will happen but now that it is confirmed, I still feel shocked that it is happening. This year is just the worst. 

Stretch/Stress

 So I've been doing a lot of research about Plantar Fasciitis because of what I've experienced and I've really learned a lot and I must say YouTube has been quite helpful for me to understand about it. There's a lot of verified channels that discusses and shares tips on how to take care of it. I've been trying some of the stretches now and it has helped ease the pain. I was able to walk normally today although from time to time there are still pinches of pain but not that sharp anymore. One thing I've realized because of this ordeal is how poorly have I taken care of my feet. It will change now. 

***

I'm dealing with a new thing that's stressing me a little. To be honest, I really shouldn't but I don't know why my initial reaction with matters like this is skepticism. I always manage my expectations but maybe it's getting a little out of hand that I always set myself up for disappointment. I always think of the worst case scenario and the likelihood of failure is stronger. Some are just fear and lack of confidence I admit that but I feel that there are cases where I just don't see how it works out but I never tell it to the other people involved because I don't want to be that person who drags everyone down or be exposed as a coward. With this particular matter, I'm on the fence what's really bugging me about it. Oh well, no matter what I still gotta and work my best. 

Plantar Fasciitis

 So I found what this excruciating heel pain I've been experiencing is all about - Plantar Fasciitis! Sounds scary but thankfully it's not. It is when a tissue at the bottom of our feet gets irritated or inflamed that causes this sharp pain on my heel! It happens to athletes and well to fat people like me that the weight was just too much for my poor feet to handle so it gets strained. Also can happen when you wear a shoe that's too tight! Another check on my box. Anyway, to relieve the pain I've looked up measures to ease the pain and discovered a doctor's vlog on YouTube! The massage and stretching techniques she shared WORKED! Thank goodness because I had a hard time walking because of this heel pain!

 

Heel Pain

 Today was physically stressful because out of nowhere I had heel pain so walking was a struggle! I have no idea why I suddenly had this when I woke up. Could it be a bad sleeping position? In the morning, the pain was not that sharp but when I stepped off the van and walked to my office, dang! I felt a sharp pain when I tried to walk normally so yeah walking was quite a struggle. It was quite bothersome until I got home and my parents noticed I was walking weirdly. And my parents are such worrywarts that they thought I got hit by a car or something --- yes that negative on the first go! It was quite stressful but anyway explained to them it wasn't the case. My mother massaged my heel which gave me some relief. Right now,  the pain is not that sharp anymore and I could walk better now. Hopefully I'll be fully healed tomorrow.

72nd Emmys Reactions!

So the 72nd Emmys happened and my prediction flopped with only 11 correct ones! I must the awards show went smoothly as the production was competent and quite good given the circumstance. I liked that this still had the thrill of awards when most of the winners accepting their awards in real time even remotely. It was a clean 7/7 sweep for Schitt's Creek which kinda annoyed me because the final season of The Good Place went unrewarded! But I totally can't hate the show even if I'm not a fan (and haven't seen the latters seasons) because the show is a true underdog. As for Drama my favorite Succession but sad they lost in supporting acting because Matthew MacFayden and Sarah Snook are my favorite on those shows. I don't watch her show but Zendaya's win was a pleasure given her family's reaction, that was a sweet moment! My favorite bit though is Sesame Street's The Count showing up to show support for What We Do in the Shadows, clever! This tweet from nominee Ramy Youssef went viral because it showed that there was actually an Emmy intern outside his home in hazmat suit with Emmy in hand in case he wins and when he lost, the intern bid farewell and left! Bizarre but funny!

Anyway, I'm glad Emmys did deliver something not awkward to watch and as the Emmy host Jimmy Kimmel yeah giving awards in the entertainment world is of least importance especially in this world we live in right now but hey this brings in some form of fun and we need that right now.

My 72nd Primetime Emmy Awards Predictions

 The Primetime Emmy Awards happening tomorrow! It will air locally on FOX LIFE and I'm really glad unlike the Oscars, there's local coverage here! The awards night will be virtual given you know what so I'm curious how they will execute this one since they will do it mostly live and they have over 100 camera crews stationed to the nominee houses/hotels/wherever they are staying to capture their winning speech live. I'm more excited how they will pull it off than the actual awards! Anyway, since I'm back on blogging I might as well bring back the awards predictions I used to do here when I was an active blogger!

Here are my predictions!

OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES: 

Succession 

OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES: 

Schitt's Creek

OUTSTANDING LIMITED SERIES:

Watchmen

OUTSTANDING COMPETITION PROGRAM: 

RuPaul's Drag Race

OUTSTANDING VARIETY TALK SERIES:

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES: 

Eugene Levy, , Schitt's Creek

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES:

Catherine O'Hara, Schitt's Creek

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES: 

Steve Carell, The Morning Show

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES:

Jennifer Aniston, The Morning Show

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A LIMITED SERIES OR MOVIE

Hugh Jackman, Bad Education

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A LIMITED SERIES OR MOVIE

Regina King, Watchmen

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES

Mahershala Ali, Ramy 

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES

D'Arcy Carden, The Good Place

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES

Matthew MacFadyen, Succession 

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES

Sarah Snook, Succession 

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A LIMITED SERIES OR MOVIE

Jim Parsons, Hollywood

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A LIMITED SERIES OR MOVIE

Jean Smart, Watchmen

OUTSTANDING DIRECTING FOR A COMEDY SERIES

Modern Family, Finale Part 2

OUTSTANDING DIRECTING FOR A DRAMA SERIES

Succession, This is Not For Tears

OUTSTANDING DIRECTING FOR A LIMITED SERIES, MOVIE OR DRAMATIC SPECIAL

 Watchmen, This Extraordinary Being

OUTSTANDING WRITING FOR A COMEDY SERIES

Happy Ending, Schitt's Creek

OUTSTANDING WRITING FOR A DRAMA SERIES

Succession, This is Not For Tears

OUTSTANDING WRITING FOR A LIMITED SERIES MOVIE OR DRAMATIC SPECIAL

Watchmen, This Extraordinary Being

Snippets 4

My uncle had his MRI today as he had been experiencing extreme body pain that almost made him immobilized. Praying hard for good result. My uncle is such a nice, generous, and hardworking guy and he does not deserve to have such physical suffering. I really hope he will feel better soon enough and this sickness will be cured. 

***

There's a major change in a work project I have that made me a little sad but I know this will be for the better to help the project's sustainability. It's not really a bad thing but just a major change that I need to get used to. I can adapt with changes but I can't stop my emotion sometimes. 

***

For the first time since we've been using a prepaid Wi-fi modem over a year ago, we had connectivity problems today that only one phone was able to have a good connection while my laptop and my nephew's desktop struggled to connect and when we did, the connection was slow except for YouTube! It was so odd but we turned off the modem for nearly an hour, when we turned it on again, the connection was good just like it used to. Anyway, good thing it was a not big problem because we're still gonna stick with a prepaid  Wifi, cheaper! 

Productive

 Today was one of the busiest day I had at work during this pandemic and I absolutely loved it. I arrived at the office a little past 6 AM and was busy all the way until 3;30 PM! I juggled multiple tasks which were doing quality check for dubbing, video editing revisions, submission of videos to our uplink facility. supervising the task for my work from home video editor and some paperwork! I even found some time to ran some errands for my parents during my break. I totally maximized my day. What I love about being preoccupied is that I didn't have the time for soul-sucking sentiments which I have been dwelling on lately!

Enveloped in Sadness

 Gloomy weather today. It didn't rain but some drizzles. It's the type of weather I actually like: Cool breeze without the stress of hard rains. It's the perfect weather to walk around and relax. And yet with everything going on, it just doesn't feel the same. In fact, the cold weather worries me because I could get the sniffles and THIS IS NOT THE TIME to have one. Six months in and even if I've experienced some liberties now, I still can't shake this feeling off. The gloomy weather even added intensity to what I'm feeling inside. I was listening to a local podcast earlier and one of the host said that the one of the permanent things in our lives is uncertainty and this pandemic placed it on centerstage. So true. 

Counting the Days

So we are now on our 6th month of quarantine and coincidentally this day also marks the start of the traditional Christmas countdown with 100 days to go. Frankly, it's so hard to muster the enthusiasm for the upcoming holidays with the uncertain state we are in right now.

Today we were issued a new version of the barangay quarantine pass with QR code now. This pass is not just for a single person per household but for three people now. I should be happy about it because it is less restrictive than the old one but the fact we still need a quarantine pass 6 months later is not something to be happy about. I'm still not comfortable in this so-called new normal. I can deal with it but I can't accept it. 

I saw a mall a few days ago which already has Christmas decorations like we have our normal lives back. It looks so sad because yeah the decorations are festive but so few people inside. It feels like they were trying to get that holiday magic but who can experience that anyway? Still hoping and praying for the country - the world - will be in better shape to celebrate the holidays.

Borders

 I discovered the Vox Media online documentary series BORDERS during the lockdown this year and I was mesmerized~ This is basically a travel documentary that focuses on under reported stories about international cultures and conflict. This was so educational and immersive. Excellent journalism! Unfortunately, the show's host Johnny Harris announced on his YouTube channel that the series has now been cancelled due to recent events. He was not direct about the reason but safe to say it's a financial fallout due to the pandemic. Journalism is really hit had by this crisis. So frustrating. 

Manic Monday No More

I usually work from home on Mondays but because of an important task I went to the office today and it was first my time to commute to work on a Monday in the pandemic world. The last and only time I went to the office on a Monday during this "era",  I was fetched by the office shuttle along with other co-workers residing in Cavite. Today the travel was so light and it's a strange feeling since it's a Monday. I don't know why but I can't still fully accept the "normal" we have right now. It's been 6 months and all signs are pointing that we will gonna stay this way for the rest of 2020. Why am I still in denial? Why am I still resistant? 

Go Away Negative Thoughts

 So our relative who is sick right now is worrying us a lot right now. I'm trying to calm my parents down by assuring them that everything will be fine and that he will be cured eventually but they are skeptical and seems to be losing hope. Our relative is bed ridden now, I don't know why he is not being rushed to the hospital but my guess is because of fear of COVID19 as well as the possibility that they could be turned away too because of the pandemic and beds could be full. Our relative is just in pain and has expressed he wants to have peace now, scary thoughts really. My parents are visibly worried and anxious. I'm afraid the stress will affect their health too. That's why I'm pushing for optimism because we can't lose hope.

 Oh dear Lord please save him and let him survive this ordeal.

Snippets 3

Water and Electricity bills came in today and paid them right away via Paymaya! We've been paying via those platforms since April and will definitely stick with it for the foreseeable future. My parents who used to be hesitant with paying without a paper receipt are now comfortable with this system 

***

A close relative is sick and not in physical good condition. It's quite worrying. I hope and prays he recovers soon enough. I couldn't stress enough how getting sick in the middle of a pandemic is just so complicated and adds more tension

***

My nephew had his first week of live Zoom classes and I asked him how was it and it was fine. The classes are from Monday to Wednesday and only in the morning. Just 30 minutes per subject. It's more really like a warm up, to test the new way of teaching. This academic year is just so hard because of how everything is so unprecedented. 

***

I don't have high hopes that things will be better in 2020 but I can at least hope it won't get worse anymore. Let us see the light please.

Normal But Not

Today the office shuttle was back so I went to work at the office instead of at home which I normally do on a Friday. I had an important work task that I need to do in the office anyway. To be honest, I could have gone home earlier via carpool because there's less traffic on SLEX which is the route to our town. In the office shuttle, I'm the last one to be dropped off as most of my co-workers riding the shuttle are from Imus and nearby areas so we go there first where traffic is just more headache inducing. But of course I can save money via the office shuttle so I wouldn't pass that opportunity. Traffic was indeed horrendous!  Before when I get stuck in traffic, it is because there's so much activity going on outside but not the case this time. We were still in the road by 6:30 PM and the malls are already closed or most of their establishments are. It's just a weird look to have a "normal traffic" but the surrounding's atmosphere is not the same busy and active life anymore. During the early days of lockdown, I once said to myself that I miss the normalcy of the traffic! I've experienced heavy road traffic again but definitely it's not a sign of things really going back to our pre-pandemic lives The torture of traffic just found a way to insert itself in this so-called new normal. 

Headline

I was buying something for my parents at the nearby grocery earlier when I saw a single copy of The Philippine Star broadsheet and out of impulse bought it. After what's happening to journalism this year, I have the urge to help out the best way I can which is actually buying printed editions. The newspaper as expected is so thin and my father was also surprised when he saw it when I brought it home. I skimmed the pages and it is very noticeable that they have lesser ads than usual. Damn. I hope the newspaper can still survive. They still bring in quality writing and thorough reporting which you don't find that much online with the fight for clickbait titles and going viral overshadows actual article, so many people comment based on headline alone and not even bother reading the article!

Anyway, PhilStar's headline today is another one that made me sad! Hundreds of private schools ceasing operations!!! I knew this was bound to happen because the challenges of education in this pandemic is unprecedented and difficult to sustain. But there's something jarring to witness several schools closing down. The possibility of this even happening is something that never crossed my mind until this nightmare disrupted our lives. 

What a year this has been, the foundations of many industries are tested to the core. Such a pivotal moment of how we will live in the future. 

On Shaky Ground

 Retrenchment on ABS-CBN, Inquirer and now GMA News TV. I bought Philippine Star last Saturday and it only had 3 sections with 22 pages. Comparing it to the March 13 issue (pre-lockdown) that had 9 sections and 64 pages. Challenging times for journalism. No wonder my course was dissolved, it's hard to attract students to study journalism with fewer options left for a career. I'm afraid where the industry is going. 

Snippets 2

My nephew had his exam earlier with the school delivering the exam straight to our home. GrabExam? LalaExam? Such strange times we are living. My nephew seems to be able to adjust through with this setup at least. 

***

Glad and relieved my mother's lab test results are generally fine. Lots of maintenance medicines but still better than a more worrying-inducing situation that I cooked up in my mind. 

***

I accepted a new job responsibility because they requested help. I like the task but this one needs careful time planning. Anyway, it's sort of a good problem because it shows the company is busy and that's good business. 

It? No.

 So today the president gave a pardon to an American soldier who killed a Filipino transgender back in 2014. His justification why he gave the pardon is one you would expect from him. Of course, it is the hotly debated topic now on social media and as expected it went ugly especially those supporting the decision. I know transgender is a concept that won't be easy to grasp here in the country but the hate I'm seeing right now, unbelievable. Personally, I've only learned to understand transgenders fairly recently as well but still we are talking about living people here. They're not an "it" like how that person referred to the victim. 

It's so hard not to be jaded. The negativity never stops. 

Eleven

Just like the good old days of Friendster survey, my friend nominated me for this survey chain. Unfortunately, I may stop the chain because I don't know that many people who are still blogging on a personal level, nasa twitter na sila lahat! But I like the questions so here I go

1. If you can blog about something that no one can ever read, what would it be?

Detailed regrets and resentments in life. I sometimes share it here but I try to be vague.

2. What would have been your job if not for your current one?

A regular rank and file employee in an office.

3. Seeing how the pandemic has affected everyone in the world, would you consider migrating to another country?

Before I would say no but now I'm thinking if only I can afford to do so I would. Not really because of the pandemic but because I would want to go to a place with less stressful political environment. 

4.What do you think would have kept your preoccupied if there was no coronavirus?

Watching movies in the cinema maybe every week.

5. What skills would you love to learn?

Driving. I'm just really, really scared of getting into an accident.

6. If you can forget someone in your life, who would it be and why?

Someone that I unwittingly embarrassed because I made a poor decision on a tricky subject where I didn't trust my gut

7. If you can change one person today, who would it be and why?

Myself. I want to be braver in life

8. If you die now, would you like to have another shot to live? If so, would you like to continue living as yourself, or live as a new person?

Living with myself as long as it is with my family all intact and safe.

9. What is your idea of afterlife?

Peace.

10. If you can talk to anyone in the past, who would it be and what would you tell them?

A certain political figure and I would say to them "Foresight!"

11. Name a song that best fits your life so far

Malayo Pa Ang Umaga

11 Facts About Me

1. I started losing my hair in my late 20s and now I have a terrible bald spot like a middle-aged man. It's a source of insecurity to be honest

2.  I don't drink alcohol simply because I don't like the taste

3. I have two old model of smartphones.

4. I have Globe and Smart SIM cards. The Smart number I've used since college and the Globe one for nearly 10 years now.

5. I have no Facebook/Twitter apps on both my phones mainly because my internal memory is limited

6. I've been wearing eyeglasses since I was fourteen.

7. I have no Instagram because I'm not really a photo person

8. I don't like looking myself in a mirror because I hate looking at myself. 

9. I have an irrational fear of LPGs because I feel like it could explode anytime. 

10. My laptop has flickering monitor for over a year now but I have yet to get it fixed because it's still workable enough. 

11. Knocking on wood each time an extreme negative thought crosses my mind helps me deal with anxiety. 

XXXIII

1. I wish I can go out without a face mask/shield again
2. I wish I can go to mass.
3. I wish I can watch a movie at the cinema.
4. I wish I can commute the way I used to.
5. I wish I can see more people around the office.
6. I wish I can see a crowded mall again.
7. I wish I can go to an establishment without registering.
8. I wish I can get a body massage again.
9. I wish I can see kids playing outside again.
10. I wish students can be in school again.
11. I wish senior citizens can go out safely again.
12. I wish I will finally have the courage to learn to drive.
13. I wish ABS-CBN to return to the airwaves soon.
14. I hope this nightmare will be over soon enough.
15. I hope for more empathy.
16. I hope for more critical thinking.
17. I hope for healthy discourse.
18. I hope for more open-mindedness.
19. I hope for accountability.
20. I hope for being assertive without arrogance.
21. I hope for clear and decisive planning.
22. I hope for realizations of what's really wrong.
23. I hope for an awakening.
24. I hope for justice.
25. I hope for peace.
26. I pray for my company to continue to be in a good financial state
27. I pray for me and my family to stay in a good and stable financial situation.
28. I pray that I stay safe and healthy
29. I pray for my siblings and their partners to stay safe and healthy
30. I pray for my nephew to stay safe and healthy
31. I pray for my parents to stay safe and healthy. 
32. I pray that I can be more daring and courageous in life
33. I pray that I can handle the challenges that life will throw at me and will never give up no matter what. 

Eve

So it's my birthday tomorrow and per usual I have no plans especially now in the state we live in. I will have the usual cake, pancit, and all those food items to share with my family but nothing really special. I like having low key birthdays. Part of my introvert nature really. Also, I will accompany my mother tomorrow for her routine lab tests and hopefully, nothing scary comes out of it. My family's safety and health are basically my birthday wish every year.

So I will turn 33 tomorrow and geez I am at my father's age when I was born! I still sometimes can't fathom that I am this old, a full-fledged adult but here we are. Not gonna lie this wasn't the life I pictured myself in when I'm this age already but you know what with everything that happened this 2020, I have a new appreciation with my life. All my complaints and whinings before seem so futile right now. I have a lot of things to be grateful. 

But of course, while I'm basically contented where I am, I still dare to dream and hopefully I can manage to reach that even if it's gonna be difficult but reach for the stars, right?

Thank you Dear Lord for another year.  

My Top 5: Rubbing Alcohol

Aside from face masks/shield, the must have this pandemic season isrubbing alcohol. I've been the one doing the purchasing and stocking up of at home and I've tried nearly every brand available! Here are my top 5 picks

1. GREEN CROSS

2. CLEENE

3. BAND AID

4. CASINO

5.  HYGIENIX

Reactivate

So  I activated my dormant GCASH. I had it since 2017 as part of a promo when I watched Coco in Ayala cinemas. I had my ticket discounted 50% when I downloaded the app as a GCASH freebie! But I didn't it use that much after my initial use for mobile load. I just liked Paymaya better because it had a virtual card I can use for Spotify subscription. Actually, only this year due to the lockdown that I used my Paymaya outside of paying for Spotify! Paymaya was very useful in paying bills! Back to GCash, I decided to reactive it since it seems to be the more popular mobile wallet app and you never know I might have the need to use it so I better have it back.

The other online portal I reactivated is my Paypal! I actually had it since 2008! I think it was the time I was thinking of monetizing this blog so I signed up for one. But I didn't move forward because I got lazy to be honest so my Paypal became useless and eventually forgotten. When I reactivated GCASH, I've read that I can link it on Paypal so there, I was reminded I had one before! When I tried to reset my password, the mobile number saved there was my old one that I don't have anymore! But good thing, I answered the security questions correctly but it took me a second try! I reactivated Paypal because well just in case I will need it. There's no specific reason just yet but I just felt like I need to reorient myself with digital money transactions because it is essential in the world we live in right now. To be honest, I still don't fully get how Paypal works so let me study it!

Please Ber With Me

Ber months are here! Honestly, the endless and tiring Jose Mari Chan jokes has run its course! But I do love Jose Mari Chan's Christmas in our Hearts album. Whenever I listen to it, it gives me warm feelings. I will not listen to it yet, just not in the mood It's already a given this year's holiday season will be so different. I've accepted it. I hate it but what can I do right? I just hope and pray that me and my loved ones will stay healthy and away from any life threatening disease. That's all I want for Christmas.

I will listen to this though to kick things off. It's still my favorite not-so old Christmas song. I love the message it wants to send across. I need to be reminded to keep on believing even if the present feels so difficult and jaded. I need to believe.