Never Be The Same Again

Just like that like that, July is nearing its end. I've been back working at the office for 3 weeks now. Three days only but still glad to have a sense of normalcy in my life again. But still. it's not the same anymore. Life has changed so much in the past 5 months. Aside from the disruption this pandemic brought to our lives, there's just so much going on in society that's been really affecting me a lot. Whenever this thing ends, it won't go back to that life I knew before this nightmare happened. Uncertainty is probably the word that best encapsulates this period of time. I have so many feelings that are all boiling inside me. I need to learn how to deal with this now, finally accept what's in store. But sometimes I still think I can't be that person for so long. I need to cling on to hope no matter how small it is. I need to prevent myself from falling to the jaded oblivion. Oh Dear Lord, please guide me. 

Maybe

I've been watching a LOT of  Abroad In Japan videos on YouTube the past 2 weeks and I feel like it's the type of culture that I could fit right in. Maybe I just long for a culture that's generally respectful and polite. I'm sure their culture ain't perfect as well but the good sides are so ideal for me. Maybe it's a factor of frustration I've been feeling lately as well. I'm seeking an escape so to speak. Maybe I'm just romanticizing a concept and I'm failing to see the flaws because the present is so disheartening. An escape is not the solution but sometimes it's just too much you just want to go a comforting spot. Maybe it's fine as long as you still stay with reality. Maybe someday I could feel so much better with what we have so I won't feel the need to escape. Maybe all these extraordinary circumstances will lead to something better and stronger in the future. Maybe all hope is not lost. I just need to cling on as long as I can

When Algorithm Worked

One recent discovery I had is the YouTube channel Abroad in Japan created by a British guy named Chris Broad who is living in Japan for 8 years now. I discovered it because YouTube recommended it to me maybe because I've been watching a lot of of Vox videos the past few months especially the ones that featured international stories. The video that was suggested to me was his latest upload why he does not like Japanese TV shows so of course it got my attention as I'm also fascinated with TV culture of other countries. The video was informative and funny! I really like Chris Broad's very British dry humor and that's when I fell to the rabbit hole of his videos. This guy is very smart and funny. Unlike most Youtubers these days, he makes really quality and well-thought of videos. Some of the stuff he produced are of high quality as well with top notch production quality. Most of all, his videos are immersive! It really gives a very good look on how life in Japan is. I got fascinated how the Japanese can be so modern in technology but still very traditional in a lot of ways Anyway, this YouTube channel is a delight and a good distraction/escape from the anxiety triggering recent events in this country.

Apathy

When I was in college and a campus journalist, one of the biggest issues is student apathy. The students just don't care about school issues outside their bubble. Voting turnout during student elections is nowhere near 50% even! I remember being a giddy, idealistic freshman getting frustrated that my block is also like that. As years went by, I was proven wrong as it took a certain point in time to see them be as passionate over matters of concern. I remember that time so preciously. I was full of hope and positivity. Now in my early 30s, I'm struggling to hold on to that passion and idealism I once had. ESPECIALLY NOW.  Witnessing horrid acts of selfishness and lack of empathy is seriously disheartening. I'm at this point that I really just want to let go and not care anymore. I will just mind my own business, take care of personal concerns, don't think about the whole picture. Nice guys finish last. I guess that's true. It's a cutthroat world and I don't have it. And I'm glad actually, I can't be that vicious.  If being polite, kind and understanding is not the way to move up then I guess I'm fine in my middling state. I don't know what I feel exactly right now. I accept defeats so easily in the past maybe because I'm a pushover? But this one, accepting this defeat is so hard. It hurts deep inside and now I think maybe being apathetic is the right way to go. 

Payslip

Today is payday and very glad when I saw that my salary for this period is in full. It just takes a whole new meaning these days. Very grateful I still have a job and they are still in good shape to give us full salaries. With what the world is experiencing right now, keeping a job is so important. My sister had to hustle hard with her online selling as her workplace is temporarily closed due to the pandemic. I honestly don't have the skills and confidence like my sister has to sell stuff to her friends, our relatives, and even just acquaintances. If I don't have a job, I honestly don't know how I can fend for myself with just diskarte. But the world today many people have their lives disrupted and finding ways to survive. Some have vulnerable jobs too with so much uncertainty (thinking about those who work for embattled ABS-CBN, the jeepney and UV express drivers, those who work for the tourism industry, those who work in entertainment, those in the food business and so many more). Yesterday, I noticed a sign over at Splash Island that says "Hope to see you December 2020", a marketing campaign that's hopeful but very cautious. I've never seen anything like that before. I do truly hope and pray we will be on the road to recovery by that time. I can't imagine the Christmas season under this devastating situation. 

Near

There's now a positive case here in our subdivision. Scary. We need to be extra careful now. Thankfully, there's no hard lockdown. That was my concern because I want to go the office still. We really need to learn how to deal with this without locking everyone down. The battered economy needs to move and can't afford another pause. Of course, we can't pretend this menace is over or even less threatening. We should always be careful and mindful of our surroundings. It is still of course frustrating that the country seems far from containing this. It makes me hopeless sometimes but that's why I need to be at the office and work. Even if it's just three times a week now because when I'm in the office I get to be more productive and forget about the anxiety I have in this situation. It's not back to normal as the office is half empty now  but at least I get myself preoccupied and not dwell too much with negativity. Working makes me feel hopeful that eventually we will be okay. 

Plug In

So my sister bought a desktop PC for my nephew and I was asked to set it up! I got pressured because I'm not really that type of guy who set things up. When I had a desktop PC in high school, my brother was the won who assembled it. Then I moved to laptop where I don't need any physical set up! Anyway, tt took me an hour to do so but it's working fine now! At least I had basic knowledge which cords and wires needed to be placed. Of course I didn't do it right away the first try, I needed to make mistakes like setting up the wi-fi!  My nephew is excited and glad I didn't disappoint him! My sister and her husband worked hard to get the money to buy this PC so the online school setup for my nephew will be more comfortable for him. It made me think of the other students this coming school, the vast majority won't be able to afford to buy this and also the needed internet connection. My mother even said that since my nephew is the only child this makes it easier, imagine if my sister had more kids, it would be extra complicated.

I worry about the upcoming school year. New system even for the teachers. I hope it can work out fine or at the very least the pandemic would be contained or over soon enough so face to face classes can resume now.

PEx @ 21!

Happy 21st anniversary to my beloved PinoyExchange!

Grateful to all the fun times I had here, all the stuff I've learned and the friendships I made both online and offline. I sometimes read old threads from many years ago for a nostalgia trip and to take a look back at a piece of history. I know it's not the same forum as it was before with Reddit and Social Media in general taking its place but PEx was here when the Internet reach among Filipinos was still very limited. For a time, it was the microcosm of the Philippine society and a witness to several key events. It's a time capsule and I honestly miss the time when message boards were the place where people communicate online and people wy anonymous. Social media has a lot going for it but nowadays it feels chaotic. PEx may be a thing of the past now, but I'm glad PEx is still around. 

Give me this

I had a personal matter that I hoped and prayed will have a positive result. Yesterday's big issue made me forget about worrying about it but later that night I had a hard time sleeping because I thought about that matter that really scared me. I was trying to prepare myself in case of bad news. I've been a big worry wart and "worst case scenario" type of guy as I grow older. It's so hard really but  I need to be tougher in life. I acknowledge that I still have a lot to work on that regard. Anyway, today I faced it and it is not as scary as I initially thought, there are some concerns but workable. Thank God. It's a sigh of relief. It's been tough emotionally. I have to be honest, yesterday's events really affected me so much. Mad, sad, scared. All those emotions I had it all boiled up and it probably affected on why I was so anxious because I just felt like everything is going wrong so perhaps that matter was the next one. Thankfully it wasn't the case. I needed a win.

The Sad Inevitable

So yeah the congress denied ABS CBN's franchise bill . It' done, they will no longer be back on Free broadcast television. I'm truly sad with what happened. No words. I'm tired as well. I expected this to happen but still when it was finally confirmed I can't help but feel heartbroken. This has so many implications really. I'm sad with those who can't feel empathy to those who will lose their jobs. I don't get how can someone be happy with this. Or maybe I can, I just can't  accept people can be like that. I'm not that brave person so I guess I will just do what they want, stay silent from now on. But can I do that? Can I take it? I should just focus with my personal life I guess, I have personal issues especially in the world we live in now. I have a lot of fears right now and I hate feeling this way. 

Stop Think

I'm here at the office killing time while waiting for my videos to finish rendering. I'm quite happy that my goal to have all episodes set to air this month finished editing, so just in case there will be another lockdown or stricter restrictions will be in placed again, the cable channel I work on will have new episodes to air for the entire month while I can work on the daily program grids at home. I still hope it won't be the case although I understand that the rising cases are alarming, however,  we simply can't go back to square one now that the economy is suffering so hard. We are in a lose-lose situation no doubt. How can we balance public health and the economy? I don't have clear answers, to be honest. I'm still scared of course and God knows how much I pour alcohol on my hands lately. The scent of rubbing alcohol is already normal now and has a calming effect. For the first time since the pandemic began, I bought disposable face masks since my cloth masks are in the laundry bin and I was a little taken aback that five pieces now cost over 100 pesos. Just last December it was just 15 pesos for 3 pieces! It's not actually hard to find face masks of all kinds these days so I hope the abundant supply will lower the price eventually. I've also observed that alcohol supply is also good but most sold in stores are the little ones you can put in your pocket. I guess that's a way to keep the supply intact. I do see the bigger bottles but only a few are on display but there's no more panic buying at least. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the situation we are in. So much has changed and it pains me to think that the light is still so far away. For now, I pray hard that my family and loved ones will stay safe and healthy. I also hope by Christmas time, the situation will be better so we can celebrate Christmas the way we used to. This year's Christmas will definitely be different but more meaningful. 

Alarming

Over two thousand cases today and it is the single highest day of the country. Total of 50K cases now.

I don't know what to say anymore. I need to finish some stuff at work tomorrow because I do feel a lockdown in Metro Manila will be coming back again. Four months and no signs of ending soon. Four months and no signs of progress. Four months and looks like it will be back to square one. 

Horrible times.

Quieter Moments

It's been in a week since I returned working here at the office. Right now I'm actually here, I'm just waiting for the videos I edited to finish before I can go home. There are fewer people in the office than last Friday when I was here. I think we are just around 12 here. The near-empty office is seriously making me feel a little sad. It's just so different right now. As I was walking earlier to our office building I saw that the Burger King outlet near our office has closed down. Well, the sign says it's just temporary but who knows now. There are just a few people back in the office and for sure that affected their sales. And this pandemic is far from over. Cases continue to rise. When I'm busy I tend to forget about the world we live in right now but right now when I have nothing more to do that would occupy my mind these thoughts are returning. When can we ever go back to what it used to be? We all don't know the answer. I still refuse to accept this so-called "new normal", this is just temporary I keep telling it to myself. But am I just fooling myself? Will ever go back to that state again? This is such a big test for humanity. Four months of this, how long will this last?  

Seek

An old friend messaged me on Twitter because he wants someone to talk to about the current political situation in the country. We haven't talked in years since he left the company years ago but we still connect on social media from time to time but still not frequently. It surprised me a little but maybe a little flattered that he thought that I'm the right person to talk to, do I look smart enough? haha. Anyway, basically what I got from him is that from all the rage surrounding the current issues, he wants enlightenment, he wants clarity because all he can see are people mad. It was actually a nice experience to hear that kind of perspective really. He wants to understand both sides and I tried to share my insights as well but also was honest to him that at this point now I'm incredibly frustrated and full of angst with a lot of things that sometimes it's hard for me to give certain individuals the benefit of doubt because the wrong things are just so amplified it's so hard to ignore now. I hope he got something from me, maybe he did. I dunno. But what this little online conversation made me think so much the discourse problem we have right now. People asking but not wanting to hear something when it is not what they want to hear, people judging quickly without understand where all of this is coming from. We are really in a crucial point of history where critical thinking and sound reasoning is being engulfed by agendas and extreme opinions. I hope there will come a time, hopefully soon enough, that the level of discussion on issues will improve. 

Good New, Bad News

My uncle's gall bladder operation went smoothly today, thank God! My aunt said he's gonna be released tomorrow. He was supposed to be operated yesterday but got postponed as he was moved to another hospital as advised by the doctor as the original hospital he was confined in just had cases of multiple nurses testing positive for COVID-19 so the operation couldn't be done there and he had to be moved to another one where the doctor is also a resident. That was so scary and my father was visibly worried. He was in a daze that he got the operation time today wrong, he thought it was 6PM but it was actually 6AM. So when he called my aunt he was surprised when she said that the operation is over and it was a success. My father's mood definitely changed today as you can see he is happier now compared to yesterday where you could feel how he was worried for his brother. Thank God things went well.

Now for the bad news, the COVID19 cases in the country is in an all time high over 2,000 cases! Meanwhile, Thailand is now back to normal after more than a month of no new cases! I feel so envious. I don't know when this situation is gonna be contained here. I feel so restless. 

Decision

On Monday, the committee level will decide if ABS-CBN will be given a franchise or not. This is just the first level, there are still more to come before it can finally totally happen. I'm afraid with the way the hearings went, ABS-CBN will not be given one. It really makes me sad. For me, they answered all allegations of violations clearly and even have the backing of some government agencies to validate there was no violation in some of the issues. But it's clear those who were prominently involved in the questionings have already decided what they feel about this and just wants to provoke reactions. This week another blow hit the network when NTC ordered ceast and decease order to the network's digital channels in TV Plus digibox and their direct to home satellite service Sky Direct. This is after the Solicitor General suggested NTC to do so after some congressmen chastised them during the hearing. I don't know what to say anymore. There were multiple cases of lapsed franchise that were still allowed to broadcast as the case of their franchise renewal is still being discussed. The writing is on the wall.  What upsets me is that there are ordinary people enjoying this situation as if this would benefit their lives at all. No empathy to those who will lose their jobs. I don't know what to feel anymore. I will try to the avoid of news of this on Monday, my heart will just be broken. But who am I kidding? I won't be able to avoid this piece of news on Monday. I dread it. 

Read More?

Just noticed my previous blog posts have "read more..". I don't know why. I'm not a techie so I have no clue! Update: Oh I fixed it now, apparently accidentally put in a line break on the first line of the post!

 Anyway,  I'm here at the office and I was able to go to work thanks to company vehicle which goes to Makati from our Cavite satellite uplink facility once a week, he fetched some of us who live here in Cavite. There are 4 of us in the van so physical distancing was observed. On the ride to the office, I had a lengthy conversation with them, and it all boiled down to our shared anxieties during the lockdown and how life it is today. It actually feels better to be able to blurt it all out to another person and also hearing their stories.  It is somehow felt therapeutic. 

Adjustments

A talk I had with a co-worker today is about how much our lives have changed because of this virus and how some of our co-workers decided to leave because they have health concerns and working under this pandemic is not safe for them. It made me sad because one of those who left during the lockdown is our front desk personnel who is like a mother figure to us and it made me sad that we didn't have a proper goodbye here at the office. She's literally the first person I met in this company when I took the exam and had the job interview. But I do feel once everything is safer, our boss will definitely offer their jobs back if they want to.

The people who go to the office? Less than half so having the rule of having one per table at the pantry isn't hard to implement because we ate not many anyway. Some don't work 5 days a week, they rotate schedules. A lot continue to work from home. I would also not go to work 5 days a week because well I can't afford to do so because my current transportation expense doubled due to paying quite high for the carpool. My one day expense is equivalent to two days back in the "old normal". So I really worked hard the past 3 days to maximize my time. I'm in the office before 6:30 AM and I leave around 4PM. Today I was glad to meet some work goals because it will allow me to not go to the office frequently next week. I'm still terrified of the virus and I have been so cautious like I have face masks and face shield and it's quite uncomfortable when walking but hey little sacrifices. Each fast food and restaurant that I pass by makes me sad because there's so few people.  

I definitely miss the busy atmosphere and I hope sooner or later, I get to the feel that again.

Day 2

So my second day of returning to work and I maximized my time a lot. I've been doing the editing of the new episodes of the shows airing on the cable channel I coordinate for now since my editor is in his hometown in Tarlac and can't go here which I totally understand. I do think he is on the verge of resigning as well as some of his closest friends at work apparently resigned in the middle of the lockdown. I've been here for 11 years and I've noticed when there's a close group of young employees, once someone leaves eventually nearly all part of the group will leave one by one. Anyway, I'm not a video editing expert all I know is just the basics so yeah I have no choice but do the task now since the channel had been in reruns for 3 months already.

Walking the streets of Ayala Avenue on my way to my ride home felt sad because it's so empty. Not literally of course but there's a sense of quietness but not the calm kind. I've also seen so many convenient stores and jollijeeps closed and buildings with signs they have office spaces for leases. The road also feels strange not seeing any jeep around anymore. There are a few buses too. I terribly miss life before this nightmare happened.

Return

I went back to the office today after 3 months of working from home. It was quite calming to just focus on the tasks that I can't do working remotely. It actually felt like a break from the anxiety of the current situation we are in. My mind was too occupied for me to get fixated over my anxieties.

Tomorrow also marks my 11th year with 20 Plus and I'm truly grateful to the company especially this year more than ever. I'm just happy and relieved to have a job to return to.

Inching Closer

Watched the first new episode of Ang Probinsyano to see how they pulled off shooting with "new normal" protocols. Most scenes are indoors (house or some room) The senior citizen and kid characters are gone (they are in the room one character explained). Each sequence only involves few people on screen, usually just three. Lots of phone calls. Social distancing is visibly seen. Oh wait one senior citizen character appeared briefly but he is in bed and alone with the lines in his mind only. There was a major action scene with Cardo is running while he is being shot by one villain with just 4 goons. The other villains are watching a "live stream" on their TV sets of the action which was funny to watch. All in all, it was a solid production given the limitations. 

****

After 4 months, I finally had a haircut (head shave in my case)! It feels refreshing really. Tomorrow, I will go back to the office in Makati. I bought a face shield just to be safe and will bring an alcohol and hand sanitizer with me. I've arranged my transportation tomorrow with a carpool of some sort but I need to wake up very early tomorrow again so after blogging this off to sleep!

***

I made a conscious effort today to avoid situations/things that would stress me out. These are stuff beyond my control anyway. I want to some peace of mind. But still hoping and praying everything will turn out fine in the end. 

Another Challenge

My uncle will have a surgery next week and his brother, my Tatay, is of course worried for him. My tito is the bunso and my father looked over him and helped him finish a vocational course. The operation is on his gall bladder and we were told it's not a really major surgery and he'll be perfectly fine after it. But knowing my Tatay I know he'll be so worried especially just last year he lost his oldest brother.

He visited him earlier (they live in the same subdivision) he offered words of encouragement to calm him down because my auntie said Tito is having trouble sleeping because he is worried too about the upcoming operation both on the actual operation and the cost of it. That's really one of the tough things when you get sick these days, you only not worry for your health but how much it will cost. That's one of my worries too. I wish it wasn't the case but that's the reality of life.

What a tough year but I'm positive my Tito will be fine. Lord please guide him.

Four

And now the confirmed cases here in our barangay is up to 4. Quite worrisome as this the location where the patient is living is near our subdivision. But apparently he got tested because he was about to work abroad and likely he has gotten it in Metro Manila. Hopefully, no local transmission. In some good news, our second case has recovered and it's a 76 year old woman so thank you Lord. Hopefully, our third and fourth cases will recover soon enough as well.

And another good news our barangay won Showtime's weeklong competition Barangay Fiestars and our barangay will receive our prize. I think it's medical aid, I forgot but that's still good news for our place. 

I will return to the office next week, likely Tuesday. There's bus I can ride now and I plan to catch the first trip 5:15 AM, hopefully not too crowded please. The fare is expensive since it's a point to point bus and I hope that's a factor so less people will try to do it, I'm scared of crowd especially at this time.

My plan is to go the office at least once a week, I won't be going everyday for health safety and also money because it's expensive to ride that bus. 

Three months of not going to the capital. I miss it but I'm worried as well. Please Lord guide me.

One Two Three

So our barangay reported its third confirmed case today who is a frontliner from another town. The location is still far from where we live but still I continue to worry. Gone are the days the country is averaging 200 cases a day. The number of cases are higher now, we have gone over 1K cases  recently. And yet because the economy is in shambles people are now slowly going back to work. Honestly, I probably would have worked back in the office earlier on if only they allowed jeeps to finally operate. But they are still left hanging along with UV Express vans. The past few days I've watched interviews of these drivers who are so devastated because of their current situation right now. My heart is broken. 

I don't know what to feel anymore. I still deal with some family stuff as well, not as worrisome as the past few weeks but it's still not back what it used to be Sometimes I feel it won't be going back to that phase anymore but I don't want to lose hope, I need to keep marching on. I need to.

Apt

Maybe I'm being over dramatic but this song just takes on a whole new meaning to me right now. I could feel every single word now more than ever. 

Ang layo layo pa talaga

Stepping Out

I had a slightly stressful day because of a work task I needed to fulfill. It was eventually taken care off but takeaway is that I need to go back to the office even for just a day this week or next week. Hopefully, this week I could return to the office. It depends if the company driver that is based on the Uplink facility near our place will go to the office this week so I could hitch a ride to go there! Public transportation is so limited especially for us here living outside Metro Manila but works there. Options are so few much more because traditional jeeps are still not allowed to go back, same with UV express vans. If there are only jeeps, I could have gone back to the office at least once the past few weeks. Oh well, this life is so challenging. Virus cases are still high in Metro Manila but it's been 100 days since we started quarantine and no improvement. I have no choice to be brave because at least I still have job security. So many people have lost their jobs this pandemic. Oh Dear Lord please guide me when I finally step out of this house and go to work, please keep me away from the virus.

Father's Day

Another special occasion that this pandemic has crossed. My brothers went home this weekend and bought food and other treats to celebrate the day. It's simple but still always good to have something this celebrate. I wish my Tatay good health he will turn 66 later this year and he still keeps himself busy watching over us and taking care of us. He will always be the head of the family. The fast few weeks had been rough because of Nanay getting sick and insomnia. Tatay worries A LOT even in under regular days so what more having a loved one have medical concerns in a pandemic? He has high blood pressure and the recurring pain from his hernia surgery a few years ago but he powers it through to be the source of strength of the family. I don't deny him being so overprotective at times irritated me especially as I grew up but now in my 30s, I appreciate it and I just feel lucky I have a responsible and caring father. I've met a lot of people over the years who have terrible fathers. I'm glad I'm not one of those. 

Dear Lord, please guide my Tatay and keep him strong and healthy. I still hope one day, I could repay him and Nanay for all the hard work they did to us. I know I've been a good son but seriously I lack more, I could give more.

Fixated

I'm fixated over an issue that's not directly affecting me but I think of the bigger picture and how it is very bothersome. It scares me because I know it won't be solved as soon as possible as the cut is so deep.

On The Losing Side

As much as I don't want to dwell with negative thoughts but I feel the need to process this for my well-being. I know it's normal to feel this way as we are in a middle of a pandemic, our lives have been disrupted and there is so much uncertainty of when will this end and when we can get the life we knew back again. But this feeling of hopelessness is creeping in. There is so much to worry right now. I don't feel secure the way the things are being handled. There is so much to question but one thing I've fully realized in this time that even if we are in this life changing crisis, there are still people who will take advantage of the situation to service their own agenda. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who are not brave enough to speak up. I try to avoid conflict so I stay silent. And by choosing to stay silent, I lose. I deplore what's happening and I'm so bothered that there are people are okay with it. Seriously, they're not seeing what's wrong here? I feel so hopeless. But I must not. I need to carry on. Deal with the present and hope for a better future. I just feel so frustrated right now.  So powerless. 

Pinch

Tatay was taking an afternoon nap earlier when he got woken up because Nanay shouted out loud to call me because there was someone in the gate (it was just a neighbor picking up an item he ordered from my sister who is into online selling now). Tatay got annoyed that his sleep was interrupted so he was quite moody when Nanay asked him what he would like for dinner. When Tatay answered with an irritated voice, Nanay responded asking him why is he answering like that she just was asking. It was striking because it was the first time I saw Nanay like that, her face was so sad. Usually, if you answer Nanay back with a raised voice, she would snap at you and put you in your place. But today was the first time I saw her like that. Tatay of course eventually apologized and things are okay now. However, I can't seem to erase in my mind how Nanay looked earlier. I'm so not used to Nanay being vulnerable like that, she has always been this strong woman and yes has a short temper that also easily subsides, she could berate you in the morning but then lovingly take care of you during meal time. I'm sure her recent health scare has affected her a lot. It's making me realize even more that right now I really have to be a stronger person now because my parents would need someone they can lean on as they grow old. I admit I'm a bit struggling with these responsibilities because I'm also scared but I need to be a full-pledged adult now. It's my turn to look after them. Oh God I'm quite nervous but please guide me. I know deep inside I have resentments but it's all okay now, I can deal with those things, accept how things are but please keep my parents safe and healthy.

One

My nephew is the class valedictorian of his elementary class. And now he is trying to write his speech! At first my sister asked me to write his speech but I said my nephew should be the one to write this as this is his experience, seven years of his life in this school and so it should be his own words. I will help by editing it for clarity but I will definitely keep his words. He will have a virtual graduation so his speech will be shot on phone. His original graduation date was March 31 but we all know what happened. I remember I was about to file a leave so I could attend his graduation and also the blowout we were planning. But alas it feels like it was a lifetime ago now. It sucks we won't have a traditional ceremony for this but still very grateful. Glad to have something to celebrate in these hard times. 

Floating

There's a new confirmed case of COVID19 here in our barangay but the barangay has announced that the strict quarantine will just be implemented in the block that was affected. Such a bummer that after the first one didn't spread and recovered successfully we have another case a month later. Hopefully this one didn't spread and she recovers too. But still worrisome. Cases in the country continues to rise, no longer the 200 cases average but higher than that. I feel so hopeless with this pandemic. So envious of countries that have returned to relative normalcy.

Middleground

So Nanay has some Thyroid Nodules which the doctor said can be treated by medicines although he was honest as well that we should be cautious as well as it could lead to something more concerning but for now just medicines and we will just have a follow up check in 6 weeks.  Hopefully, medicines will be enough. Please Lord guide my mother and help her heal. I could feel my mother is very worried as well and I really need to try my best to not make her worry even more. Thankfully, she's been getting good sleep, still not as long as she used to before, but better than last week where she had little sleep.

It's so tough to have a loved one sick especially in a pandemic world.

Oh Dear Lord please let this end soon.

Worries

Worried about Nanay's health. We got her lab results today and nothing grave but still it reminded me how fragile she is right now with her high blood pressure and diabeter inevitably affecting her kidney as well. Doctor said it's a moderate case but to prevent further damage we must be very vigilant.

Nanay also had her thyroid undergo ultrasound to check if she has nodules. She has hyperthyroidism which has been affecting her sleep and why she's getting some tremors as well.  We find out tomorrow the ultrasound results and I really hope and pray it's not a complicated case too. I'm worried because Nanay is visibly worried, A while ago she had trouble sleeping again likely because she is worried about her health. Tried to calm her down but I think I got a little snippy which I deeply regret now. I was doing the same thing I hated when I got sick when i was a child and I see her snipping at me but I know it was because she was just too worried but back then I felt so guilty getting sick. Now it's the reverse.  I'm the person making her uncomfortable because I get too stressed about her condition. I feel so guilty. I need to calm down and be strong because Tatay and my siblings are worried too and I think for some reason I became THE person that should be the rock. Can I handle it? Oh dear Lord please guide me. 

***

In the middle of me accompanying my mother to the clinic I was reminded of some work duties and I know my manager didn't meant it but I felt so pressured today. I do really want to go back to the office but there's no public transportation available and I'm so afraid to travel Metro Manila and the thought that I might get stranded. I also feel uncomfortable not being at my family's side especially with Nanay's health concerns. I'm so torn.  This pandemic raised the stress level to a higher degree. How can I work this out? 

Tough

The past two nights I was basically sleepless because of Nanay's health concerns. We got rejected by two hospitals last night because they don't have the capacity anymore! Good thing when we found a hospital in Carmona that could address her concern immediately in the ER. We waited for about three hours to get the results and thankfully nothing major and my mother calmed down. The doctor said some of the stuff she's experiencing is likely due to anxiety which I agree. We got released around 2AM and got home safely. Tatay was so worried too and that's why I need to be the stronger and sensible one to handle this matter. I don't have the strongest personality but in  family crisis I need to toughened it up and not be panicky. I've never felt so "adult"  but it did give me a lot of perspective in life. I'm thankful to God Nanay is in generally safe state. Please continue to guide my family dear Lord.

Rollercoaster

So Nanay can't sleep again and blood pressure went up. We rushed to a small public hospital in nearby town which finally opened up to non-residents. Good thing there were basically no other patients when we came in. She was given medicine for high blood pressure while she rested on the emergency room. After an hour, her blood pressure went to normal again and we were sent home. Back at home, she lost consciousness in the CR and good thing I was there so a bigger accident was prevented. The sleeping pill she took the night before finally took in effect. But we panicked because it was first time we saw her like that so we tried to wake her up at first she didn't response but we screamed so hard she finally woke up and she didn't realize she has fallen asleep in the CR. Now in bed she got scared of what transpired and she couldn't sleep and she asked to be taken back to the hospital so we went there and nurse upon checking her up said all her vitals are fine that her only enemy is her mind and that she should ease up on her worries so she could sleep better.

We went home she was able to sleep but only a little but it's better than be totally sleepless. 

Yesterday she took some laboratory tests at Family Doc clinic so today we are waiting the text from them that the lab results and doctor are ready to check her up.

Please God don't let this be a  bad thing, keep my Nanay safe.

Vex

The past two days the humidity is unbearable. I feel like we are being boiled. It's so uncomfortable to do anything. Because of this my Nanay's blood pressure went up again and what's stressful that the clinic she usually goes to is temporarily closed because of lack of doctors due to the pandemic. The nearby small hospital is also understaffed. But good thing we found a good clinic earlier today - Family Doc - and she's feeling so much better now. I really like Family Doc, it's so professional and comfortable. My parents loved it too, nanay said that the clinic made her feel more at ease than the local hospital we went to which was quite a mess because it is under renovation. It's our first time to actually experience how hard the medical situation is right now. It's hard to get sick in a pandemic. 

***

My brother finally came home after a month of being stuck at work and avoiding to come home here due to the lockdown restrictions. The first thing he said to me is his frustration with what happened to ABS-CBN then general frustration with what's happening. I can tell he was holding this for so long because he can't share this to anyone at work to avoid political discussion. 

***

My video editor said to me he is planning to resign since he can't go back to the office because of the lack of transportation and his worries about the cases in Metro Manila. I said to him to think about it carefully first because it's hard to find a job these days although if he can't really find a ride to work or he is not comfortable just tell it to our managers first. They will understand because it's just so hard and risky.

I still continue to worry about our company's future.

***

Maybe I'm just in denial but I can't fully embrace the "new normal". I would just like to think of this period as "temporary normal". I don't want to lose hope, we can still go back to the life we knew before.

Fragile

A pandemic still very much a threat
A controversial bill that could threaten big time if misused
Protests all over the world due to racism

I'm overwhelmed with everything that is happening in the world today. I feel so uneasy with the future. I'm living in such a pivotal moment in history. Life will never be the same. Everything that's happening right now will change the course of all of our lives. I definitely long for the days of normalcy. But I should stop romanticizing the past now and face the future. Be brave but also be careful. We are on uncharted grounds. I'm nervous with what lies ahead but I really hope and pray the this too shall pass and we all survive this multilevel crisis we are experiencing.

Walking on Eggshells

Everything is so fragile. One need to be cautious or else a small mistake could lead to a fatal blow. It's hard both physically and mentally. Distractions don't have the same effect anymore. One needs to face everything. One can't escape the reality, the harsh reality. Try the very best to handle all the frustrations brewing up because that's the best way to cope with the struggle.

Hopes

Nanay is feeling better now and she's been getting good sleep again. Thank God. But I did notice she's more cautious now with what she eats so as not to trigger another blood sugar rise again. It makes me sad that she can't eat whatever she wants now but that's the sacrifice needed to stay healthy. Seeing my parents, both in their 60s, experiencing health vulnerability makes me worry all the time but I'm still thankful they're not suffering from bigger life threatening illness. Please God let them stay healthy for a long time. I may have some issues in the past with them worrying so much but I love my parents a lot, they may not be close to perfect they are good and loving parents and after knowing people who had difficult parents, I'm very grateful how my parents are not like that.

***

First day of GCQ and as expected many experienced commuting hell because of the limited public transportation available. I had the chance to go to work today because a co-worker could fetch me but I opted not to because of the recent health scare of my mother I want to stay home to help out and to be honest I'm not comfortable yet to go back to Makati which had a lot of confirmed cases. I have asthma and deathly afraid of contacting the virus for myself and my family. But I know eventually I will have to go back. Honestly, if public transportation is more accessible I probably take the risk. I miss working at the office but life post-pandemic has changed so much.

***

ABS-CBN franchise hearing today and once again their president Carlo Katigbak has shown so much class and intelligence answering each allegation with fact-based statement. He is respectful even if being taunted by the skeptics.  hope the network can get their franchise back.

Test

Nanay's blood pressure and blood sugar went up last night and it was really so stressful as we rushed her in the nearby clinics but both were closed this quarantine period. They were 24 hours before. So we went to the nearby small private hospital. She was given medicines and injections but her blood pressure was still up and my mother asked if she could be confined but the hospital begged off because apparently they think they're too small to handle it and could be risky. So went to a hospital in Dasmarinas, when she was checked upon by the nurse her blood pressure went down although still above the safe zone. The nurse told that she could go home and just take a rest and take maintenance medicines. Nanay wanted to be confined just to be safe but the nurse told her that due to the pandemic their protocol is to have anyone take the COVID-19 test before they get confinement. Of course my mother begged off. We signed a waiver that it was her decision not to take the test.

We got home around 2AM and my mother didn't have a good sleep because she was worried. We barely slept as well. Later this morning we checked her blood pressure and it was high again so we rushed to the clinic and she was given advice to just take the maintenance medicines and take a rest. She went home and she finally had a good nap. When she woke up, she's feeling better now. Right now as I type this she's taking a rest. I'm so worried but I need to calm down. God will protect Nanay.

***

Tomorrow office resumes but I won't be able to go due to lack of transportation. And honestly I just don't feel safe to be out there and get exposed. I want to go to back to the office badly but I don't have the means. It's making me feel so torn but what can I do really.

***

June is coming and usually around this time I often feel like time flies so fast. But not this year. It's so slow. 

Worried

Nanay can't sleep so we had her blood pressure checked and she has high blood pressure. She feels some chills so Tatay and Ate is currently bringing her to the nearby clinic. Hopefully, it's nothing major really. But I'm terrified. It's not the best time to get sick. Please God let not this be a big health issue.

1K

DOH delayed their daily reporting of new cases from the usual 4PM to past 9PM tonight.  They said they wanted to validate the backlog of cases and add more context in the reporting separating the "fresh" cases which are recently validated from the "late" cases.

Fresh or late, over 1000 confirmed new cases are STILL ALARMING!

Chaos

So June 1 Metro Manila will now be in GCQ. Work will resume but public transportation will be restricted and honestly I don't know if there's  a way I can go to work with vehicles limited in capacity. In the "old normal" commuting is already hard and that's with several PUVs available in full capacity. I will not to go to work on June 1 yet, too risky. But I know I eventually will have to go back to the office because the past days working from home's limitations have  stressed me out. I'm willing to go to work but HOW CAN I GO THE OFFICE? That's the question.

Proud

Today is Nanay's birthday and she ordered food for her handa from the  mother of  my brother's childhood friend. She never does this because she loves to cook or at least buy takeout at the fast food she loves. She'll never admit it but I know she did it to help someone out in this trying time. Tatay meanwhile had been consistently buying merienda from someone in the subdivision who had been selling it house to house. Sometimes we already ate but when this person comes in, he will still buy. I'm very proud of my parents, their heart is in the right place.

Dread

The anticipation of something negative happening is giving me so much anxiety. I wish I could think positively but I just feel like the forces against are just too strong. It sucks so bad. And I'm not really exactly directly affected but this dilemma just have a bigger stakes in the general scheme of things so I'm worried what happens today. I'm praying for a good result but I just don't want to raise my hopes up. It's hard to be at the bottom fighting your way up. This period just made me further realize how weak I am that in certain high moment of pressure.

Hopefully

I hope to hear good news tomorrow although all signs are pointing the opposite direction. Or maybe I'm just too pessimistic these days but it's hard not to when those who are up feel like they value being on the good side of a certain authority than be objective and think of the bigger picture. I'm dreading the worst possible outcome but I'm still trying to muster a glimmer of hope that hey maybe it could be different, maybe they will do the right and humane thing. Maybe I can still believe that there's hope that common decency can still prevail in this atmosphere where I feel the majority is complicit because it's the easy thing to do or they can't let go of an ideology that they defended to death is the right one even the signs telling it ain't so are so glaring. I don't know. I feel so restless.

Documented

This is the headline of the Sunday issues of the New York Times. No photos, no graphic but a powerful headline humanizing this crisis we are in. They are not just statistics, they are human beings we have lost due to this pandemic.  The article listed the names of people who died as earlier published in various obituaries in regional US newspapers. I've read some and it's heartbreaking. 

I applaud The New York Times for doing this, this newspaper headline is a time capsule, people in the future will see this and they will instantly find out how TRAGIC this crisis is.

I hope a local newspaper will do the same here as well.

***

One of the reasons I'm blogging again constantly is that I want to capture what I'm feeling in this life changing situation we are in right now. I want this to serve as my time capsule for me to look back someday. I really hope that future will be better and when I read all these posts I made during this pandemic it will serve as memory on how I dealt with this and what I've learned from it. I've often shared in this blog how time flies by and I can't see to catch up with it. Now everything is so slow and I'm so scare of the future.

What's the truth?

The past two days have been so alarming because of the health department lead conflicting statements. First is that we are supposedly in the second wave but other people in the government contradicted him later on so he then took his words back. Then this chief had a dangerous statement that asymptomatic COVID19 people have not been proven infectious. What on earth is that statement? I remember way back in January when the outbreak started how he was downplaying the situation and then how our country is ready for this. I'm so infuriated because IF ONLY if we had a more proactive head maybe by this point easing the lockdown would be more organic and safer than this when there's so much left to worry about when there's an average of 200 confirmed cases each day! Last week of May next week, can we really go their marketed New Normal by June? I'm afraid not. So nervous.

What else...

I minimized my exposure to news today both online and on TV. It just so upsetting. There's so much uncertainty. There's so much mess. There's so much despair. There's so much stress. Two months in and I feel there's no improvement. I feel like a lot of people are just hanging by a thread. The waiting game on what to do, on how to handle the world in disarray. There's so much nastiness as well. There are times where I feel hopeless. This pandemic exposed a lot. You can separate who can inspire and not just intimidate. But those who just intimidate are the ones in the spotlight. It just gives me more anxiety.

***

Went out to buy medicine for parents earlier today. I usually go early because of the lines but when I arrived I was first in line. The nearby grocery also didn't have its usual long lines, just two or three waiting to enter once someone goes out. Nice to see a sense of calmness.

What now?

• ABS-CBN franchise bill discussion on the congress today and once again the old accusations were raised as if it was never addressed in the senate hearing in February. There was this section on the bill that also requires them to give 10% of their airtime for free to the government. What for?I feel nervous for this network if they can get their frequencies back again or what compromise they need to do to get it back. It's been two weeks since their broadcast production was shut down, each day lost is a big damage. I know there are other avenues and channels to choose but there are areas in the country that only their local affiliates can reach to. It was evident in Ambo typhoon where there were areas that they covered and people said that they are the only ones that were  able to reach them. Sometimes this urban/city mentality is  so predominant that rural areas are often forgotten like they don't exist or worse matter to the powers that be. 
• So the spokeperson said that the government has no plans for mass testing right now and that private companies should do the testing for their employees which was also "recommended" by the labor department. I'm not surprised this happened but still so disappointing. Companies are struggling right now especially the middle to small range companies. How can they afford that?  So frustrating and I'm afraid it would cost more companies to shut down for good.
• Cavite governor shut down mall operations today due to social distancing and other quarantine violations observed over the weekend. At first I totally get the decision but then when I read the rationale one thing that I noticed is that it tried to connect that the 40 new cases is because of the GCQ over the weekend. That's likely not true because test results takes time and incubation period is 14 days. I get that the  governor is just being proactive to avoid further spread but he should be careful to use and not misrepresent information just to support a narrative. We are living in age where misinformation is so rampant.
• Our office management went to work today to discuss how operations will work out. No official announcement  relayed to us employees yet, maybe tomorrow or anytime this week. I'm torn because I wanna go back to work but I'm so afraid to commute. I want to help our company rise from this setback. I definitely see them in a new light because despite this crisis they still tried to make it work and provide for the employees. 
• One thing I don't look forward when I get back 'out there' is to actually hear thoughts I highly disagree with from random people or worst people I otherwise like. After this ordeal I dunno if I can handle problematic opinions anymore.

What If?

Private companies are encouraged to do COVID19 tests to their employees before they go back to work. It's a sound idea but how many tests are available? I'm afraid some will seize this as an income opportunity. I guess can't blame them given how the economy has collapsed but still mass testing should be free but the progress is just so slow. Not a lot of private companies can afford this but do they have a choice if they want to go back to operations? How frequent would the test be needed? Of course it can't be just one and done because you'll never know if you can catch it eventually after testing negative then you go out in the world. There's just so many things to think about in this crisis. 

This is also got me thinking what if our company will do this, will I be comfortable taking a test? What if it I test positive and I need really do a hard quarantine? Can my messy emotional state handle this? Imagine if the barangay and subdivisions finds out, I would cause a lockdown here and our family will be ostracized for sure. It terrifies me just thinking about the possibility. I'm scared of the virus and the fallout it will cost if I test positive. 

I often read "I'll miss _______ when this nightmare is over" and I fee iffy. It feels like counting chickens before the eggs hatched. Don't look forward to missing something we are currently experiencing right now because of this pandemic. It feels wrong really but I guess that's how other people cope in this situation. Nearly 3 months of this nightmare, WHEN WILL THIS END? 

I'm so tired really. 

Eased?

Today the restrictions during this quarantine have been eased under the Modified Enhance Community Quarantine for places like NCR and General Community Quarantine for us here in Cavite and other provinces too. What I've observed on social media posts and the news is that people flocked to the stores and there has been traffic as well. That's scary actually because this country is under tested while it continues to have more than 200 confirmed cases a day. On the other hand, I understand why we need to get economy back and running again because we simply couldn't sustained a quarantined life. Social distancing and work from home is a privilege a lot of Pinoys can't afford to so. The Social Amelioration Program has been quite a mess, so many people complaining about the system and those who were able to quality had to endure just to get the pay-out. Our government simply can't afford to give us consistent aids so people need to get back to work. We are such in a lose-lose situation.

Thinking about the "new normal" guidelines the office sent yesterday  and I continue to ponder if we can pull that off.  I know that the guideline that restricts the pantry to one person per table won't be a problem for me because I already do that but that would also require for people to eat fast to accommodate everyone. Can they really avoid eating alone and not chatting another person?  Another guideline, is that there will be one cubicle separating the employees which already works for me because the past year the two people seated next to me resigned so my desk is socially distant already. I actually used that empty cubicle next to me as an extension of mine and placed my belongings there! But how would that work out as a whole? Will the other employees moved or will there be scheduling who can on work on that and who could not to limit the number of people in the office?

 I'm just thankful I have an office to go back to. But I don't know when I can be there though. I miss it but I'm afraid to commute because the risk is still high. I'm so torn what to feel right now. I desperately want things to go back to what it used to be or at least close to it but I know we are still probably in the middle of this life changing historical moment. It's not over. Far from it.

Daze

Typhoon Ambo  hit hard today! Well, in our place just manageable rains but the other provinces the typhoon was so strong. Can you just imagine being one of the families that have to evacuate and in a middle of a pandemic. Although, most of the province hit hard by the typhoon had minimal COVID19 cases so hopefully the virus was really contained there, so not another problem. Like what choice do you have? The typhoon is also hitting Metro Manila now, the potential flooding it would cause. Right now as I type this the rains have subsided and I hope in other places too. The challenges just keep on coming. 

****

Today I also faced a surprising urgent task while working at home. It was quite stressful because of the limitations of the quarantine. I can't fully control the things I need to settle but I think it turned out fine oh well at least it didn't turn out that messy.  Well, I truly hope so but I really miss being at the office. My manager also sent guidelines for 'new normal" office operations. It's so intensive and tricky but needed. Like one person per table during lunch time, no more socializing, just eat. I mean I do that on a regular basis but for all people to do that, oh wow it would be so weird. It's gonna be so interesting how this will all work out. 

Another Level

So today our country was hit by a storm. Our province is Signal #1 but it didn't actually rain, just rain showers and it was gloomy all day. It didn't alleviate the heat though. It was still so humid. I watched the news earlier and just realized how hard the storm was in the other provinces. Those provinces gravely affected have minimal cases of COVID19 so thank goodness because can you just imagine how horrifying the situation would be for a place hit hard by the pandemic then a typhoon comes in? How would evacuation work with social distancing measures? It's so gonna be hard. The country's epicenter NCR is in Signal #1 as well but no hard rains thankfully. Just imagine the horror if they were savaged by the typhoon, the floods, the people living dense places will have no choice but to risk it all. The challenges this pandemic brought in is just endless.

Tomorrow is the last day our province will be in Enhanced Community Quarantine and we go to the next stage of General Community Quarantine. So curious how this will work out. Hopefully for the better. Authorities continues to warn to be careful for a second wave. We haven't really successful exited first wave yet to be honest, still another 200+ cases reported today. I'm envious of Southeast Asian neighbors Vietnam and Thailand who have successfully contained the virus and is now having a taste of normalcy.  The Philippines has a long way to go.

Glimmer

The first and only confirmed COVID19 case here in our barangay has now recovered. Thank God! We didn't have additional cases as the other suspects have tested negative so hopefully we stay COVID19 free. Thankfully that one case seems isolated and it didn't spread out. 

I'm warming up to the General Community Quarantine, looks like we will have a clearer guidelines tomorrow once our municipality is done setting those. I hope it won't be unreasonably strict. I'm absolutely in favor of social distancing and other safety measures but hopefully it won't go to authoritarian.

Also today my manager messaged me to inform that our company was granted SSS financial assistance and it was already transferred to our payroll ATM accounts. I haven't gone out yet so I haven't check it (no online access to it because I'm generally paranoid but maybe that should change really) but glad our company was granted that and hopefully it  helped kept our company stay afloat financially as the lockdown continues. I really miss the office, longest period of time I haven't seen it. If this crisis taught me something is to appreciate the company I work. I have lots of frustrations over the years but in this crisis, they didn't abandon us and made sure we are financially supported despite the lack of business operations. I really hope and pray our company will survive the post-pandemic aftermath. I will do my best to help out.

Lastly, the congress made a bill to grant ABS-CBN a provisional franchise that will last until 5 months. Why shorter than the 25-year application because they say they need time to discuss and for ABS-CBN to answer the alleged franchise violations in congress.. The speech made by the speaker was irritating but hey at least  finally there's some progress. Their battle isn't over yet because it's just basically a 5-month extension and they are still essentially hostage but one day at a time I guess!

Nothing

So our province Cavite will be "downgraded" to General Community Quarantine on May 16 but still basically the same really they just added some industries could now open (which still be in discussion) so some could work. But basically it's just the same. Over 200 confirmed cases again today. Two months of lockdown and it feels nothing has truly changed really. Oh wait, the major CHANGE in this two-month lockdown is the shutdown of ABS-CBN. One week has passed since they have been shutdown but the congress still not discussing their franchise, all you hear is we support ABS, we support press freedom, but no legit action has been made. The TRO appeal has made no progress at the Supreme Court. I'm afraid they are done. I hope I'm wrong. 

I've been reading news how New Zealand, Vietnam and Australia are on their way to normalcy and I'm so envious. As an archipelago I believe the Philippines had a good chance to not be affected this hard by the coronavirus, if only we were proactive back in January. If only.  

I know life will never be the same again but I still can't accept that this is our reality now. Praying for a miracle.

Changes

My nephew will enter high school and one potential school my sister is looking in to enroll him has a detailed plan for "New Normal" setup. Saw it and I like that they have a plan for students with no Internet access. But this setup still makes me wary if it will be effective. It's a small local private school which won't have that much students but what about public schools? How will a new normal school setup look like? And private school enrollment will definitely decline due to the crisis so it will clog public schools even more. Thinking about the changes schools will have to face because of the pandemic fallout is making me sad. I know it's a different situation but school done remotely is just different from having face-to-face interaction with the teachers and classmates. But what options do we have right now? School year won't start until August 24 and I really hope this virus can be contained or have a medicine already. My prayer is for it to be nearly eradicated! I want schools to have a sense of normalcy. Well, everything basically but schools are different setting. The changes this world will face after this nightmare keeps me up at night sometimes. 

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day! Nanay wanted Big Mac but the McDo near us has no stock anymore so we bought Quarter Pounder instead. She liked it but I think it made her crave for Big Mac more. Hopefully we could do more for her birthday later this month. But I do feel that the limitation of our movement is really frustrating her a lot. She can't visit the market and do groceries, those are big deals to Nanay and I hope she can do it again very soon. 

I'm gonna say it, I hope our province will be on GCQ after May 15. I expected Metro Manila to stay under ECQ but I really hope Cavite won't. I just want the checkpoints out really. Of course social distancing will still be there but checkpoints for me have been the source of a lot unnecessary stress. I'm still so frustrated that in a medical crisis a militaristic approach to lead people is what they think is the right way to go. I do get the idea for discipline but intimidating and scaring people off is causing more problems on top of the problems we already have.

For a person like me who worries a lot back in the "old normal", this extraordinary circumstance is nothing but a series of tests: of character, of patience, of faith, of where you stand under immense pressure. It's been really tough and sometimes I feel defeated but I know I need to keep the fire burning. I must.

Burnout

I just feel so exhausted with everything right now. The pandemic, quarantine restrictions, the societal problems, worries about the future, my disgust for certain actions and behavior, the soul-sucking hot weather, everything. I feel so defeated right now. I feel so hopeless. The past 2 months are nothing but a series of tests, a test of character, a test of faith, a test of one's self worth. It's been really tough. This week probably was the worst, triggered by what's happening with the country, those people in power, the divisiveness, the apathy, the selfishness, the willingness to be submissive, the general lack of kindness, the entitlement, the shrewdness, the pure nasty behavior I've been witnessing. I'm living in a moment of history that will be discussed for years and I hope to God this will have a good conclusion. But this is life and nothing ever really concludes so I guess what I'm saying is that years in the future when this is studied I hope we are at a better point in the society, better than what we are living right now.  I hope we are an evolved society by that time and I hope I will be there to witness it. If there's one thing I've learned this week is that when your hunch tells your something's gonna be wrong, follow it. If ever life will give me a chance to raise my own family, I will do my damn best to be a good model of a decent human. A person who has empathy for others' plight. A person that will not cause great suffering to a lot of people. A braver person.

Endless Worries

So there's news today that Metro Manila will likely extend the quarantine until June 15. A one month extension again. Honestly, I understand the risk is still high for a second wave as the daily confirmed cases have not dropped and Metro Manila is the epicenter. We haven't flatten the curve. So what now? I really don't know if the company I work can survive this. I'm just scared of the uncertainty.

Another thing I'm scared of? Yeah the ABS-CBN shutdown is still a cause of concern for me. The congress Speaker said he will try to fix this mess but I haven't seen anything that he has done to make progress. As expected the TRO appeal to Supreme Court is not a "priority". This is just alarming that the people in the authority are not doing ANYTHING. Do I have just to accept  that this is really the reality, they control everything. If they can do something as grave as this, what's stopping them from escalating it even further? There are so many enablers as well and not treating this matter seriously.

I honestly feel so frustrated right now with how society works. When I was a young teenager, when EDSA Dos happened, I felt so inspired with the peaceful movement that it can be done. Now that's never happening. In a way I guess a lot of people felt fatigue because life post-EDSA Dos disappointed as well. But still life and discourse RIGHT NOW is so much more toxic. 

I need to stop thinking "when this is all over I will..." because I don't feel it will be over anytime soon. I'm just raising my hopes up for nothing. I feel so defeated. But I'm still clinging to hope somehow because if I don't I will go nowhere. I need to keep this fire burning and not let it die.

Semi Comeback

So TV Patrol returned tonight but not on the main channel of course because it has been shutdown. It returned online and on cable channel ANC. It felt good to hear the main theme again. Tomorrow DZMM Teleradyo will return on cable and TV Plus. I guess they went off air to double check if they are covered by the NTC shutdown. They really need to get back on air even under this format so this issue will still be in circulation and not be swept under the rag. Until today the congress leader is still NOT DOING ANYTHING about years old franchise bills, not even scheduling a day to discuss it even if it is now a pressing concern. To be honest, I'm not sure if ABS CBN can get their franchise back but I hope they do access to information is important and the job protection of thousands of people too. 

***

I also saw in the news today that the government is already setting up how transportation will work out in the trains once NCR moves to General Community Quarantine which is marketed as the new normal. I'm not sure if this will work, I could just imagine the commuting nightmare this will entail but we really need to get a semblance of normalcy again, so we can get the economy running again and secure our finances as well, we can't rely on the government cash aids which distribution has been marred by controversies. Next Friday, May 15, is the supposed last day of the Enhanced Community Quarantine and the government is already starting to warm people up that it won't be extended anymore and will move to GCQ with less restriction. However, two days of over 300 new cases. Are we really ready to open up the economy? I'm torn really, I want to go back to work but I'm afraid of a potential second wave. This is so stressful 

Rattled

The first full day with ABS CBN off the air. I didn't expect to be affected this way. All day this was on my mind totally eclipsing my COVID19 worries now. I'm just bothered the way it was taken off the air. I'm so disgusted there are people who are celebrating this shutdown. Sure there are the copy/paste trolls but there are still actual people enjoying the misery of people who could lose their jobs for good. Heartless. I'm bothered how misinformed people are, like some of the allegations why they should not be renewed have been answered way back in February and there were no oppositions that time during the Senate hearings because they were able to give credible responses point by point. But those were all thrown away, lumabas sa kabilang tenga! 

I have a friend in college who works at the Metro Manila radio station of ABS CBN as a DJ. He just joined this year and of course there were people asking if he regretted his decision and he answered that he knew this was a risk but he is fulfilling a lifelong dream to be part of that FM station so no regrets and he is willing to go on this fight. I got teary eyed when he was explaining earlier on their FB Live show. He is just one of those people  affected by this shutdown. But they were inessential i guess. There's this "law is law" propaganda on social media conveniently forgetting that law is law only applies to their self interest. Like a few days ago the big issue was the added contributions in Philhealth as set by law! I was actually on their side that this should not be implemented at this trying time and their thoughts were heard. But this nope, even if NTC earlier issued all permits that will expire during the ECQ will be extended until after the ECQ is lifted but nope they conveniently forgot that.

There are just so many questionable things that were done so this shutdown would be fulfilled. But people don't bother to research anyway. People have short term memories especially if you have a specific bias you want validated. 

This shutdown is not just about liking the company or not. This goes beyond that, there are valid more deeper concerns because of this precedent. Some people are not realizing that and it's driving me insane. 

Shutdown

Today NTC shutdown ABS-CBN because their franchise expired yesterday and the congress didn't approve a renewal nor even start preliminary discussions despite bills for renewal filed for years already. In a national health and economic crisis, always remember that some people prioritize closing a company that employs thousands of people, even for that reason alone, no flexibility. But for Chinese-run POGOs, so much flexibility and leeway to accommodate them despite their questionable reputation. This media company, whether you like them or not, in February, during senate hearings were able to give fact-based and legally binding proof against allegations. But still congress didn't bother to even start discussing the franchise renewal. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. 

The company I work for was struggling around 7 years ago and what saved us from totally shutting down is when ABS-CBN became our client for subtitling services. Until now they remain a client. So on a personal level this shut down of this media giant hurts. On the grand scheme of things, this shutdown is a very bad precedent. This isn't about liking the company or not. Rooting for a company which employs thousands of people to shutdown is just pure heartless. 

I am so frustrated right now. I can't believe that this is happening. This is so scary because it's a show of force, of what they can do. I'm devastated as well that there are actually regular people thinking this was the right move. 

I am so sad they won.

Hopefully, not for long. 

Sub-optimal

It was so hot today, I was perspiring heavily doing a simple task like washing the dishes. It was so humid that I took bath twice. Drank so much water that of course made me pee frequently. I'm craving for Zagu, Coke Float or any kind cold shake really. But of course I can't during this quarantine. It's not essential reason to go out there. Not gonna lie, my cravings reminded me of the things I miss pre-COVID19 quarantine. That luxury and freedom to move without fear of checkpoint personnel being unreasonable and this unseen enemy that could threaten life. 

Some provinces in the country now are in General Community Quarantine which is what they are marketing as "new normal" where there are still restrictions but loosened up because some of the industries can now open and public transportation will be available but with limited capacity. I have a bad feeling it will be executed so poorly when the time comes that NCR will be under that. They are teasing that after May 15 the rest of the country will be under GCQ. I'm skeptical but we'll see how it works. I have mixed feelings because there's still more than 200 cases each day and there's a chance it would still be like that in 2 weeks time. However, I understand that a lot of people need to work now and support their families.  There have been news of people dying due to heart attack while in line for the government cash aids. All you can hear on listener feedback in radio shows and comments on LGU Facebook pages are about the cash aids mostly because they haven't received or not even qualified. A lot of frustrated people right now. And just imagine you are so anxious about your day-to-day survival then this heat torturing you physically.

When I think of what other people are going through right now, it really makes my issue of being uncomfortable with the heat and not being able to go out freely so minuscule. There are lot of  issues in this pandemic that have frustrated me so much but seeing how people are suffering more gives me perspective to check my privilege.  I do believe that we have the right to complain and criticize but still we need to get a reality check as well so you won't across as a self-absorbed whiner.

Still, I wish for this nightmare to end soon or at least a light of hope that eventually things can go back to the "old" normal. 

Labor Day.

 Today is Labor Day in the Philippines and the government allowed the controversial Chinese POGO companies to operate. Supposedly, in the government's Enhanced Community Quarantine guidelines gambling operations are not allowed but they conveniently classified them as BPO (Business Process Outsourcing) just now. I will be blunt but I really don't like POGOs operating in the country because the business itself is shady because online gambling is not allowed in their home country China and yet we allow them here. There are also reports they don't pay taxes and have been linked with crimes such as human trafficking, kidnapping and prostitution. It really infuriates me that they have been allowed to go back to work while most of us can't which is actually the right thing to do because it's simply not safe yet to do so as we still have more than 200 reported confirmed new cases a day. Why allow them? Quick scan of the news and you will see multiple stories of people who lost their jobs/source of income due to the crisis. So many people hoping they will get the "ayuda" (government aid). There's so much pain and hardship right now. And you hear news like this where an inessential and questionable industry in a pandemic is allowed to operate and go back to business as usual. It's so unfair.

Stress Zone

So I survived the grocery and medicine purchase run today. With the confusing Cavite total lockdown May 1 announcement by the governor (which to be fair he later apologized on social media for bringing confusion) and the first confirmed case here in our barangay, it was really a stressful morning. I spent 2 hours lining up to a big grocery store BUT I was not allowed to enter because our quarantine pass has no address indicated. It's not our fault because that was issued by the barangay but the grocery security is now demanding certification from the barangay office where we live because they are banning the zone where the first confirmed case is living. I was so pissed but I just left because no energy to argue. Good thing the medicine purchase over at Mercury Drug was smooth sailing because I was buying on behalf of my senior citizen parents so there's a special lane. I was also able to buy some stuff there too because that branch also has a mini grocery. From then on I went from various stores in the nearby market area to buy some of the items in the grocery list then I went to other convenience stores to buy what I can't find there. It was such a hassle (especially in this heat!) but glad I was still able to buy most of what is needed in the list. We passed by the zone where the first confirmed case is living and they are on total lockdown, no one could absolutely leave for 14 days. But I feel there would be adjustments because how could people buy supplies and food? They set up their zone leaders and some counselors to help out to buy on behalf of them but can they sustain that? Hard to believe. 

When I got home I took a bath as soon as I can because it's so hot right now and paranoia as well because it's a different game now that we have a confirmed case here in our barangay. The threat is so near. Really praying hard this is an isolated case.  Praying our subdivision won't have a confirmed case ever. Or for that matter this whole barangay won't have another case anymore! I can't help but feel anxious. Also praying for the person who got infected and his/her family. Hopefully, there will be support but with the total lockdown of that area, I'm afraid they are at risk to be at the receiving end of stressed-out people. Maybe unavoidable as it is scary but I hope the neighbors won't vent their frustration out to the family. The barangay captain dispelled a fake news circulating on Facebook *where else?* that the person already died and was secretly buried in the nearby cemetery. So annoying because people are so gullible. I only get updates from the official local government pages, I don't join FB groups and group chats on messenger. So much rumors and fear mongering there. And worst, people  with toxic personalities are all over.

This crisis is just testing everyone's limits. Please let this be over soon. 

Crap!

So today it was confirmed that someone in our barangay is COVID19 positive. I can't believe that nasty virus reached here. And what a timing because on May 1 Cavite will undergo a stricter quarantine, sort of total lockdown and I was going to buy groceries and my parents' medicines tomorrow in preparation for the 2-week of lockdown.
 It will be HELL tomorrow.

I'm sure there will be panic buying and also paranoia because the virus has now reached us. I'm scared to go out tomorrow but I have no choice but to do it. Oh God please protect me tomorrow that I won't be able to get that nasty virus. I'm so stressed right now.

At Wits' End

The lockdown has once again been extended from April 30 to May 15. I understand the need to do so and at least some areas in the country will not be part of it although it will still have quarantine measures but at least that is some semblance of good news in the midst of a stress-filled era. Honestly, I'm so uncomfortable with the tone of putting the blame to ordinary people "pasaway!". I do understand and get there are stubborn people that needs to take this seriously but there's just a lack of empathy these days. I'm tired of political conflict, how people are encouraged to pick sides. Blame game is so rampant. Treating each other as enemy. We need more understanding of the plight of the people now. Everybody is stressed. Everybody is so worried. The last thing we need is this type of mindset. But I don't know anymore. I feel so disillusioned right now. I still can't believe that this is happening. We are not equipped to handle this matter but I feel so worried that this is being handled the wrong way, so much fear and suspicions. I long for the day that I will have peace of mind. I'm tired of being terrified. 

Temporary Normal

Supposedly, the lockdown will end April 30. But signs are pointing to another extension. Logically, I understand as the new reported cases are still 200 plus everyday. I do believe we can really get back to what we use to call normal  but just not yet.  However, I constantly think about the economy I'm just so scared of the aftermath. Personally, our company was still able to give us salaries but for how long can they sustain us? I worry about that nearly everyday.

I worry for other people too. The small businesses like barber shops, can they survive this? The small vendors not selling essential goods. How can they survive this? The social amelioration won't be enough and it's already causing a lot of people to get angry already. The early promise of the labor department to help companies by giving a 5K aid to employees still not felt because as expected they got overwhelmed and can't help everyone. This is what I feel so troubled about, I don't want our fates to be reliant on the government. That's why I really want people to be able to go back to work. But the risk is just there and can't be denied. It's a lose-lose situation.

Earlier, I went to buy maintenance medicines for my mother and for the first time since I've been doing this for her, two of her medicines are out of stock. This has never happened before. Demand is high so getting the supplies is harder than ever. Going to the grocery is a nightmare now. I try to check out the smaller convenience stores but they barely have anything on stock these days.  Some of the items are also more expensive than ever now.

My nephew was supposed to graduate elementary last March 31 but everything's on hold now. He seems like he doesn't care when I asked him if he misses school though. He's constantly entertained with Minecraft and YouTube. He also even likes the reruns of May Bukas Pa and Wansapanataym these days too. Good for him though, it's better for a kid to still enjoy life. Let the adults do the worrying.

I was able to pay our electricity bill online, a first! I had to convince my parents that this is legit even without a paper receipt, I had to show them the 0.00 balance on my laptop screen to ease their worries. For water, well that will really have to wait because it's a local company and no way to pay online. They did assure no penalties and continous supply so that's fine.

I recently saw this video about an uncrowded Metro Manila in this quarantine era. seeing the parts around Makati made me emotional. My father worked here for 30 years so I'm already familiar with the area  before I even started working. Nearly 12 years of employment, my current and past jobs, were all located in Makati. This is the longest time since I started working that I haven't been in Makati. I miss walking the streets, the overpass and underpass, the random people asking me for directions etc. I miss even the traffic who would have thought? I just miss the normality of everyday life. I can't wait to go back and resume our lives. I really hope it's coming very soon .

Earlier I felt so anxious again and to fight it off. I took an afternoon nap. It didn't magically delete my worries away but at least for a few hours I had peace of mind.

Life On Hold

We are going 4 weeks under Enhanced Community Quarantine which is really just a sugarcoated term for lockdown. The original end date, April 12, is nearing but we all know it will be extended as COVID-19 cases continue to rise. It's just not safe to have the masses go out in public as the danger is still there. I won't deny this situation has given me so much anxiety. But as always I try too look things on the brighter side. For one, no one in my family is suffering from this virus and by the grace of God NO ONE WILL. It's almost a month since I was last in the office. I still continue to do work at home, I supervise a cable channel and up until this week I was able to schedule new episodes but except for one show, I have run out of new episodes to air so we will go on replays starting tomorrow. What my initial plan way back in February was to be able to submit a month advance worth of episodes in preparation for the Holy Week break but of course that is a distant memory now. To be honest, I'm afraid if our company can survive this crisis. Will I still have a job to go back to once the virus had been contained and we can go out in the public now? I know MILLIONS of people worldwide is worrying about the same matter. The fear of virus at the present is at its peak but the fear with what lies ahead in the future lingers around. I've blogged many times here how I feel discontented with how much I earn in my job and how I feel I've been left behind career-wise by  lot of my peers. But now I miss having those worries ONLY. I can deal with that but this anxiety brought upon by this pandemic is on another level mainly because everything is up in the air. We don't know when will this end and what a post-COVID19 world be.
Today is Palm Sunday and the first in my lifetime to not have the usual mass. It feels so strange to not do the usual things anymore. Not a day pass by without me thinking of this crisis and how it is shaping the future of the world. I'm very, very worried. So help us God.