Tuesday, October 28, 2008


I blogged a lot of times before about my (non existent) love life. As I look back it was a bit funny how I evolved haha. At first, I told that I never had a "real" crush ever (Romance Isn't Part of My Vocabulary)then over in time what seems to me as something not be bothered about did affect me eventually resulting to a confusing point of my life (Abnormal). As I grew old, I realized a lot of stuff and I admit back then when I wrote those blogs I was too naive, shy and too self conscious that's why my view on romance was a bit, well, distorted and hypocritical haha. A few months ago, I wrote an entry titled NGSB which was a good step for me towards the right direction. I'm starting to open up and speak what I really feel. But I still held back a little.
But now, I will make the big leap and admit this:
I did fall for a girl two years ago. I was too shy to admit it before. I think no one knew about this. Well some knew it was just a crush. I thought so too. And that's what I would like to believed before. Self brainwash haha.
I did dream that someday we could be together and I could confess what I feel. But I just hid it, I diverted my attention. I did not pursue it. I was scared. Scared of getting hurt, of ruining the friendship and lack of self confidence that I could handle a relationship. We became close friends. I don't know if she knew. Maybe she knew that I have a crush on her. But I guess she would never guessed that it was something more. She did have a boyfriend eventually. And well she and him did complement each other. Bagay sila. And the guy is great for her. I admit I got hurt thoug I conditioned myself not to be and ignored that feeling back then. She is happy with him, I could feel it and I'm happy for her. We are still friends and that is something I'm happy about not confessing what I really feel because the friendship is still intact. Let's face it, if I admitted it back then it will change the dynamics of our friendship. I would not want that to happen.
Why did I blog about this? Well, let us just say I had an "unexpected reminder" about that and it made me realize that for me to fully moved on I need to stop pretending and accept that yes I fell for someone and I got heartbroken which was my fault because I never tried, I was such a coward.
And this blog is my way to start letting go. Justify Full

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