Friday, April 04, 2008

I want to feel normal again

This is the third day that I am feeling this way. I feel so sick. Not just medically speaking. But sick, emotionally sick. Here I am again , going to this very disturbing phase. I feel like my life is put on hold. I could not tell to anyone exactly what I feel. I am a shock absorber from my family to my friends. But what about me? This blog is my shock absorber.
There are stuffs that helped me divert my attention for a while: TV, radio, Internet. But the effect will only last for a short while then I will go back to whining, being paranoid and crying.
I'm a great pretender. No one knows exactly what I am going through. I don't like sharing it that much. I would like them to see me as "business as usual" but I'm hurting inside. Sometimes I would like to blame people why I feel this way but later on I would take it back. I just like to blame people coz I want to feel better but I did not feel any better at all.
The thing I am struggling right now is my fault. I want to redeem myself but it's too late or I'm too scared to take the risk again. I'm a coward.
God help me survive this ordeal.

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